#I normally don’t really consider myself a big stan of certain artists

[quinnsteria]

Thank you for tagging @snuize !!! Let’s see now…

🌟 One on the left = snuize’s chart that I filled out, one on the right = blank for anyone who wants to do this! 🌟

And this is mine all filled out!

🌟 TAGGING:

@greerbaiting @thelocalfrogman @pastelarts12 @mlgmi316 @mintcrows @deeloveskiss !!!

[2996-sana]

Lucky - Jisoo

request: Please can you write some fluff/angst where Jisoo finds out her girlfriend used to have a bp stan account and had Chaeyoung as her bias so Jisoo gets jealous/insecure and starts acting differently? Thank you!!!

i kinda went another way but it still has the same gist, really ! only that the reader didn’t have a stan account hehe 

p.s. i have received the requests for rosé and jennie but i will be doing a lisa request first since i haven’t put one out for her yet but i am still accepting requests atm

You would like to consider yourself lucky. You were currently in a very happy and healthy relationship with someone who you share an effortlessly rock-solid bond with. Someone who appreciated you for you and prioritized you over everything else. Your friends would always point out how smitten you both were but you never did pay it no mind – they could only wish to have a love as resilient and fun.

Oh yeah, and the person in question? Kim Jisoo. One of Korea’s most sought-after idols.

No big deal. Adding the fact that you were a fan before getting into a relationship with her, you would say lucky is an understatement.

If it wasn’t for your close friendship with Soojoo (who is one of Jisoo’s best friends in the industry) and your persistence to be introduced to the girls of Blackpink, you wouldn’t be where you are today. It took the right timing and the decision to come over at Soojoo’s apartment, only to find out she already had a certain guest over, for fate to lay a hand. Though your constant flirting also definitely helped create a permanent spot for you on Jisoo’s mind.

It wasn’t everyday someone had the guts to flirt with her and usually when someone did, she never had any trouble turning them down. She had bigger and better things to focus on: her career and her Blinks. She had no time for silly relationships at her young age, especially since they were at their peak, but there was something about you that kept her coming back.

That was over a year ago and the relationship that you both have built still leaves everybody in awe. You give majority of the credit to Jisoo who knew exactly how to handle you. She dealt with everything with a maturity you could only wish to have. Although you’d like to think it was already rubbing off on you. Something that your parents will forever be grateful to Jisoo for.

Your girlfriend carried with her a very laid back and goofy disposition. You’ve always admired how calm she was during times when you’d expect the exact opposite and loved her ability to bring comfort to those who weren’t, especially to her own members. Even her fans noticed how caring and protective she became when needed. You always chalked it up to her being the eldest in the group and feeling the need to be the one stable thread that kept everyone together. She was always the strong one when everything seemed to be falling apart.

But this also meant not a lot of people get to see Jisoo the way you do. Because with you, she allows herself to completely break down the walls she surrounds herself with when she’s at work. Gone is the Kim Jisoo of the biggest girl group in the world. All you were left with was Jisoo – your girlfriend.

The first time you saw Jisoo cry was a turning point in your relationship.

You and Jisoo were lounging on your couch on one of her few days off. Both of you were directing your attention to the documentary playing on the TV when you all of a sudden hear sniffles coming from your right. You immediately face the girl you have been seeing for a few months and see her fixing her gaze on her lap whilst she played with her fingers. Her eyes glazed with a glassy layer of tears. As she blinked, they dripped from her eyelids and slid down her cheeks. She bit her lip tightly in attempt to hide any sound that wanted to escape from her mouth

“Jisoo?” you hesitated. At this point, your mind was going wild with the probable reasons why she was suddenly upset. Your brain cogs turning trying to remember if you did anything wrong or maybe she was going to break things off. Of course, she was too busy and didn’t have time for a relationship. Why did you even think this would work out?

“Y/N…” Jisoo’s eyes moved slower and always more down-cast, skimming the floor, rarely raising to eye level as more tears started to fall. It was in her voice too, quieter, with a meekness that wasn't usually part of her speech patter. This was very unlike the Jisoo you were used to. She was sad in a way you hadn't seen before. She brought her hand to intertwine yours together, taking a deep breathe to calm herself.

“Talk to me,” you whispered. “You never have to be afraid to open up to me.”

It was this that made Jisoo’s tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down her face. The muscles of her chin trembled like a small child and it took everything in you not to start crying too. It was not the time.

“I’m just tired,” she mumbled. “There’s been a lot of stress about the album process being delayed again and everyone is just so drained.” she leaned backwards, letting her head fall on the back of the couch and closing her eyes. “I’m so tired.” she emphasized, wiping her tears. You let her cry for a few more minutes waiting until she calms down as you put your arms around her shoulder.

“I will never understand firsthand what that feels like as an artist to go through that but I want you and the girls to know that so many people believe in you,” you consoled. “This is what you guys have been waiting for and you deserve it and more. The process was never gonna be easy but I know that you all love what you do and it will all be worth it because of that and your fans.”

She let out a shaky sigh before turning to face you. She studied your face silently for a second before giving you a small smile. “Thank you. I honestly went to see you tonight because I didn’t wanna be upset in front of the girls. Not right now when they’re all feeling really down too.”

She leaned forward to wrap her arms around you in a hug. “You’re my safe place.”

Before you, Jisoo didn’t think she could ever find a soul, aside from her members, that would ever understand the things that brought her pain.

To be the one Jisoo was able to turn to during her toughest moments was a badge of honor you would gladly wear everyday for the rest of your life.

Right now, you joined the Blackpink girls in their dorm chatting over some chicken and soju. You were all on your fourth bottle and you could sense how tipsy Rosé was becoming, but you knew Jennie and Lisa weren’t too far off either.

“I think its so funny how Y/N was annoying Soojoo to introduce her to us and now she’s practically married to Jisoo unnie,” Jennie giggled, raising the shot glass to her mouth.

Both Rosé and Lisa apparently thought this was the funniest thing ever because they laughed their little hearts silly.

“Oh my god!” Rosé squealed. “I was your bias remember?”

You hid your face on your hands as you shook your head, “Jesus, you’re super drunk.”

“Still doesn’t change the fact I was your bias!” Rosé laughed, putting her head on your shoulder.

“Yah, unnie, look!” Lisa slapped Jisoo’s shoulders, staring at her wildly. “Rosé is trying to steal your girl.” she pointed towards the both of you.

Jisoo only raised an eyebrow towards you before giving Lisa a smile but you knew Jisoo well enough now to differentiate a real smile from a fake one and that did not look genuine at all. Before you could scoot over to your girlfriend, Jennie decided to dig your hole a little deeper.

“I never knew that before Y/N. Why Rosie?” Jennie glared. “Why not me?”

“Yeah! Tell us!” Rosé exclaimed clapping her hands.

And that started a round of chants asking you to tell them the reason.

“Just tell them, babe.” you hear your girlfriend say. You look at her searching for signs not to but she only nodded in encouragement. You knew she was only doing so to appease her wasted members.

“I…I don’t know,” you stammered, looking at everyone. “She just caught my attention, I guess. That was way before I knew you guys though and what you were like. Everything is different now.”

“Well duh, you’re like in love with Jisoo unnie now,” Rosé drunkenly whispered.

You smiled at her words pulling Jisoo closer to you, “That I am.”

•

It was around 3AM when you and Jisoo arrived at your apartment after putting the drunk girls to bed. You and Jisoo decided to spend the night together since it had been weeks since you saw each other. You’ve noticed how quiet Jisoo had been after the whole Rosé being your bias thing and you couldn’t help but worry and wonder why. You’ve caught her in moments of reflection for the rest of the night before remembering where she was and trying to act normal.

You were in bed when you find her uncharacteristically quiet and staring up at the ceiling.

“I know you’re not okay,” you deadpanned, laying on your side to face her. “What’s on your mind?”

“It’s stupid,” she sighed as the words slowly made its way out of her mouth.

“You know I would never invalidate your feelings, right?” you questioned, reaching up to caress her cheek.

“Why me?” she said quietly. “I always asked myself that when we first started dating. Whenever Soojoo mentioned you, she would always talk about your obsession with Chaeyoung and we’d both laugh about it. When I first met you and you started showing interest, I thought you were only using me to get closer to Chaeyoung.” she laughed but you could sense no humor behind it.

You wanted to interject and tell her how wrong she was but you sensed she had more to say.

“So, I put you in arm’s length because of that. I didn’t think you had the best intentions towards me. It was okay at first until I really started to get attached to you too and I thought ‘great, I like someone who is probably into Chaeyoung’. Chaeyoung was your type and I couldn’t be more different from her. I was so confused and didn’t know what your deal was. I started to get really scared when I realized you had to meet the girls.” she recounted. “I was scared that you’d start to like her for real and that she was what you were after all along. I felt lost and confused, but at the same time happy and certain that I really wanted things with you to work out.”

She turned to face you for the first time since she started talking, “I was wrong. You had the most genuine intentions towards me and you proved that time and time again. I guess that tonight, that irrational fear just crawled back to me like a shadow of what I used to feel and that freaked me out.”

After that, you slipped off the blankets and got on top of her, grabbing her face and bringing it closer to yours. “You are the best thing to ever happen to me, Kim Jisoo. I fucking mean that, you know that, right? The moment we met, we clicked, you know that. You were all I could think about the moment I step foot out of Soojoo’s apartment. The only reason Rosie was my bias was because I didn’t know any better. I literally knew jack shit about you guys but the more I got to know you, the more I knew I wanted to be with you. It was never about Blackpink, it was about me getting to know another human being that I adored and respected.”

You were looking down at her probably looking at her like the sun came out of her ass but Jisoo wasn’t complaining. “You curse a lot, you know?” she giggled.

You rolled your eyes, “I come up with that great speech and you choose to talk about a couple curses.”

She leaned up and pressed your lips together.

“You’ve never failed to make me feel that, Y/N. Thank you for putting up with me when I get bouts of insecurity and doubt.” she smiled. “You know I’ll do the same for you too.”

“Yeah, you’re gonna be doing that a lot more for me because you guys are only going up from here,” you pouted. “I’ll have more people to compete with especially with your new drama coming. Your male lead better watch out, whoever he is.” you scoffed.

“There’s no competition in the first place,” she flicked your forehead. “And if there was, it would be a no brainer to know who would win.”

You smirked from above her, “Sure win?”

She crinkled her nose at how corny you were but gave you the biggest smile nonetheless, “You know it, babe.”

[your-brilliant-lady-m]

South Korean music industry at a glance: an outsider perspective

I watched one particular AMV last week. The song used for the video was “I’m afraid” by Korean rock band DAY6. I was pleasantly surprised as someone who values lyrics in song first and foremost. The music itself was great. I’ll listen to their songs again. It’s a nice fit for my music taste. Naturally, YouTube’s algorithm decided that I’m a fan of everything Korean after 1 video and started spamming my recommendations with k-pop songs, documentaries and everything in-between. 

I watched a couple of videos, listened to some songs and discovered fascinating patterns. So, I went down to the comment section. And it was rather interesting experience, should I say? The concept of entertainment industry in South Korea simply begged to be explored more after this. I dug deeper and visited Tumblr k-pop tags and briefly glanced upon Instagram and Twitter. And, oh...

I am a big picture person and I enjoy both studying and creating systems. This one was particularly fun to explore. I discovered a lot of new things for myself. Perhaps, you can discover something new for yourself too or take a step back and look at this from a new angle. 

Disclaimer: it’s impossible not to offend someone on Tumblr, so keep that in mind. That being said, I do NOT intend to insult of offend anyone. It’s just a little research done for fun, because I love research with a purpose. This post is NOT A HATE post. No hate intended for fans, artists or other people involved. It’s meant to be a discussion, nothing more and nothing less. If it sounds like hate, it’s just my sarcastic sense of humour.

Content Warning: I mention suicide, death, depression, rape in a couple of sentences. There’s nothing major or graphic, but it’s there. 

In this long post I decided to share with you my opinion, a so-called outsider perspective, on the world of music entertainment industry in South Korea and people involved in it on different levels. I use the word “outsider” mainly because, that’s exactly what I am in this case, as someone who is in no way involved in k-pop community. I can’t name you a single band or their members. I don’t know any solo artist and can’t neither sing nor name you any song. 

And to be completely honest, I don’t think I will set my foot into k-pop fan-circles ever again after everything I saw. 

Think of this as “In this essay I will...” meme, except there’s an actual essay.

As far as I know, in South Korea “k-pop” refers to all music produced in SK, including solo artists, various bands, singers-songwriters. It doesn’t even have to be pop music. Koreans include in this definition all genres of music. However, around the world “k-pop” means primarily music made by idol groups and bands marketed for children, teenagers and younger people. In this post I use the latter definition, because that’s how most people understand “k-pop” in other countries. Therefore, my statements, opinions and conclusions here would concern only idol music. 

The music industry in South Korea is heavily influenced by culture and traditions of the country, just like all things are. And there’s nothing wrong with that. After all, different backgrounds are what makes people so interesting and unique. However, when combined with consumer mindset, desire to generate profit at any cost and fast-paced nature of modern life these neutral cultural elements could produce something concerning, and it can lead to disastrous consequences. 

1. Idol

These people are called artists, musicians, singers, bands, groups, performers. In South Korea and in Japan, however, people call them Idols or Stars. I’ve also seen Muses, Princes and Queens. Interesting, isn’t it? The terminology used to describe these musicians in South Korea is one of the key elements in this whole entertainment system. You’ll see why.

But who or what is an idol exactly? Let’s take a basic definition from Wikipedia.

“In the practice of religion, a cult image or devotional image is a human-made object that is venerated or worshipped for the deity, person, spirit or daemon ... that it embodies or represents. In several traditions, including the ancient religions of Egypt, Greece and Rome, and modern Hinduism, cult images in a temple may undergo a daily routine of being washed, dressed, and having food left for them. Processions outside the temple on special feast days are often a feature. Religious images cover a wider range of all types of images made with a religious purpose, subject, or connection. In many contexts "cult image" specifically means the most important image in a temple, kept in an inner space, as opposed to what may be many other images decorating the temple.

The term idol is often synonymous with worship cult image. In cultures where idolatry is not viewed negatively, the word idol is not generally seen as pejorative, such as in Indian English.”

Cambridge Dictionary defines idol as follows:

And here’s the definition from Oxford Dictionary: 

This is a centrepiece of this tapestry. Surely, you have noticed by now what these definitions have in common. 

Idol = a cult image of a god, a deity 

By calling these musicians “idols” industry makes society and audience treat them in certain way, namely as gods. What characteristics do gods possess? They are beautiful, talented, funny, confident and graceful, blessed by eternal youth of immortality. Gods have no flaws, they do not bleed, they are above human concerns. They are an embodiment of perfection. They are stars, you could not reach. 

But real people are not like that. They can be sad and angry, insecure. People don’t have perfectly symmetrical faces. They can’t dance in sync without preparation. They can’t sing like angels at any given moment throughout the day.

What happens when idols accidentally reveal their humanity? What happens when people see, that they make mistakes and do stupid things, that they need to train hard to appear graceful on stage? 

I will tell you. And it’s not pretty. But, first, let’s look at other elements of this system. 

2. Y/N and Self-insert fantasy

Aside from the music, K-pop sells the self-insert fantasy to the audience. It’s carefully arranged to appear real, where the cracks are masked and every word is scripted. The reality is so vivid that one doesn’t even have to use imagination all that much, because all scenarios and decorations already exist. Countless interviews for TV and magazines, fan meetings, talk shows, reality shows made sure people are privy to all juicy details of personal lives and opinions of musicians. And also one word - merchandise. Some of that merch made me question my life choices. Some of it is, ah, creepy or has weird vibes. All of this provides plenty of material for people to work with. Fans can effortlessly imagine themselves beside their idols or even in their place. 

In a highly competitive society, where people throw themselves into studying and work since young age, forming deep and lasting connections with others is very hard, sometimes impossible. As a result, people long to have a group of close friends with similar interests, a loving partner who would cherish them endlessly. People want to be rewarded for their backbreaking efforts to succeed by the carefree life of fame and music, everlasting friendships and love. And in a way you can’t really blame them for his. 

Does this dream life sound familiar? We are looking at K-pop bands here. It doesn’t really matter if their members don’t always get along or that they can live in debt, that fame is fickle and adoring fans can tear your self-confidence to shreds. Audience wants the glamour of fantasy and the industry is more than happy to cater to these desires. 

Perhaps, knowing that even for idols this fantasy is sometimes unattainable makes the whole set up feel just a little cruel. 

3. Fans, stans and fandom culture

We’ve already established earlier that idols are gods in the eyes of people and listed traits they must possess. So, what else do gods need to exist? Worshippers. Because a cult is worth nothing without its followers. Gods need a group of people to worship them and spread their beliefs. The role of worshippers is performed by a fans in this case. 

Apparently, there is a running joke that girl groups need to win a general public popularity and boy bands need a big passionate fandom. It seems to be true according to my observations. 

In k-pop fandom people use the word “stan” to state that they like or support particular group. Now, I am sure everyone here knows that in other fandoms, dedicated to movies, shows, books and games there’s an important distinction between being a “fan” and a “stan”. What is it? 

A fan is someone who likes a ship or character, creates and/or consumes fandom content, supports certain ideas, discusses things they enjoyed and disliked, criticises canon. Stans, however, are a different breed. They engage in all typical fandom activities, but their support and enjoyment becomes obsession. Stans believe their favourite characters and ships are immune to criticism, that they are superior no matter what others say. Stans start shipping wars, send anon hate, death threats over fictional characters and hurt real people. Stans are considered toxic fans. And majority of normal civilised people don’t like them and try their best to let stans hang out in their echo chamber by themselves. 

In other fandoms and communities, to be a fan means to love, support and enjoy something, while to stan means to obsess over and hyperfixate on these same things. Words “I stan” rarely mean “I support” for most people, and if they do mean that, it’s only used in a joking manner (”We stan procrastination legend!”, “I stan our miscommunication kings”).

Everywhere else “stan” has only negative connotations, except in k-pop. But what has changed? What’s the difference? Why do international fans scoff at “shipper stans” and then turn around calling themselves “stans of X k-pop group” at the same time? Does it make you wonder? 

And this is another core theme of k-pop, in my opinion. In fandom where stan = obsession = support, you can see interesting patterns. 

Fandom loves their flawless gods. But watching them from afar is not enough for some people, because unlike deities in different religions, these gods live among us. People are very much aware of that. Industry has created a cult and laid the groundwork for worshippers to express their adoration in every way including personal contact. And who wouldn’t want to meet their god? Who wouldn’t want to know more about them or tell them how much you love them? In talk shows and fan meetings there is only so much one can do after all.

People desire to know more, to have more so much that their obsession transforms into concerning stalker tendencies. These crazy individuals follow idols, stalk them on social media, in hotels, research flight numbers, bribe security. Musicians were attacked and poisoned. I strongly suspect there were cases of rape that no one knows about. There is even a special term for these fans - “sasaeng”. 

Is there a definition for stalkers of actors or musicians in western world? No, I’m pretty sure there isn’t. They are just called “invasive/obsessive fans” or “stalkers”.

Also, there are sasaeng memes. Yeah, you heard that right. I enjoy some classy dark humour as much as the next person, but there is a fine line between normal and questionable. 

Back to the topic of stalkers. Do you realise how disturbing that is? Such behaviour is so common that there is a term for it. You create a fandom-cult, encourage people to worship k-pop idols as gods and then act surprised when members of said cult become fanatics and their adoration becomes obsession.

And it’s so easy to step on this slippery road. The system makes it ridiculously easy. Lines begin to blur. How much is too much? Where do you draw the line? 

While sasaeng fans engage in extreme real-life obsession, people online aren’t that far off, to be honest. I’ve seen it all: imagines, headcanons, fanfiction, real-person shipping, reactions. Real person shipping is a controversial topic. Some people support it, others don’t. I suppose I’m among those who don’t get it. I’m not exactly against it, but I find it strange. Mainly because it’s based on assumptions made by fans about personalities and behaviour of real people. 

Assumptions. Dear me! K-pop fandom has this thing with video compilations. I’ve never seen this phenomenon being so widespread in any other community or fandom. Basically people edit together a collection of short clips from talk-shows, interviews, Instagram stories, some YouTube videos, etc and then proceed to analyse every gesture, word, facial expression of idols and provide both audio and on-screen commentary. These videos and many other forms of similar analysis allow people to imagine what kind of personalities idols have, what kind of life do they live. It’s the source material for fanfiction, imagines and headcanons. 

But it’s not real. It’ll never be real. It’s an illusion, an image, a stage persona. They fall in love with a face and made up personality. And I think that when people create this content they can forget this. Fans can develop certain emotional dependence and unhealthy attitudes in the long run. In some YouTube comments even supportive and encouraging words sound whiny and obsessive. And semantics of being a “stan” of certain group or individual doesn’t help. 

4. Industry, companies and liars 

At last we arrive at the most important aspect of music entertainment industry - its creators.

Have you seen “The Road to El Dorado”? It’s one of my all time favourites. It has iconic characters, adult jokes that I didn’t get as a child and iconic soundtrack. I’ll quote “It’s Tough To Be A God” a lot here. 

In South Korea music industry is a factory, the production line to be exact. This kind of set up affects everything in the grand scheme of things. Companies and agencies play the role of training centres and record labels. And there are so many of them that a whole new scamming system developed based around fake idol agencies. It implies that there are people who fall for offers of these agencies and continue to do so. I suspect that victims must pay a fortune upfront before they realise their mistake. Are there any kind of legal protection against such scams? How can people verify the authenticity? Because a well masked scam can exist for a long time before someone discovers it and calls them out on their nonsense. 

As far as I understand legal companies work like this. After high school, which is often focused on performing arts (and private schools can get away with using talents of students for personal gain, which is totally not surprising), young people can audition for an agency and become an idol in training or idol-trainee. And passing audition is hard. But good recommendations can help, connections too. 

During training you don’t get paid. Only a few companies pay aspiring musicians. People can spend years in training and don’t debut. But rent, necessities, clothing and food (not that you need much of it, but more on that later) cost a lot. Where do you get the money to live then? Support from parents, one or two part time jobs at most and bank loans. Surprise! We found an unexpected (just kidding, it’s very obvious) party, who reaps benefits from the system. 

You need skill to be an idol. Natural talent helps too. The more skills you have, the cheaper and faster your training is. To level up your game you attend classes every month offered by your agency, which are not cheap (dance classes range from 400$ to 1000$ per month, sometimes more). There are four main categories in evaluation process: vocals, rapping, dancing and visuals. Idols are multitaskers, to have a chance on stage one must be perfect at everything. And people are ready to invest thousands of dollars into their kids training so that they could have a chance in entertainment industry. South Korea thrives on revenue k-pop industry generates every day.

Let’s pause here for a second and think about what kind of people come to these agencies. The answer is easy. People who have a dream, a desire, a real goal. You don’t wake up one day and decide to become a k-pop idol. Sometimes people get invited by agencies (after prior acting, modelling career or any other form of exposure). These people are usually very young. Some start straight after high school, some after university, but 25 years old is considered a late start. Compare that to western musicians who start singing at any age and still become famous. 

But why this age limit? Because idols are eternally young. So that in public eye musicians are remembered as 20 year old gods. People would listen to their music and imagine a young attractive face. Career in k-pop is short, it lasts 5-7 years, rarely longer than that. It’s even less than modelling or acting can offer. And professional sportsmen retire in their late 30′s. Some play longer, but usually, that’s it.

If you live in Los Angeles and say that you want to be an actor or performer, no one would bat an eye. It’s like saying that you want to be an engineer or accountant. Similarly, in South Korea becoming an k-pop musician is a real career. Because part of the self insert fantasy that the industry sells is the idea that anyone can be an idol. It’s easy after all. Anyone can pass auditions and become a trainee. A trainee with no guarantee of debut. But one should never underestimate the power of idol-dream. After all, idea is the most resilient parasite.   

“My friends started training in kindergarten. They have wanted to become idols since young”

“A lot of young kids get interested in Korean music” 

A 6-year old child sees the performance of k-pop group for the first time on TV. Let’s say it’s a girl. She is enraptured and decides that she will be like that too someday. She grows up, while being part of the fandom, just like all idols are in one way or another and whose fan-obsession transforms into desire to succeed. Her parents spend time and money to find her tutors, to fund dancing and singing classes. Perhaps in high school this girl decides to fix the shape of her eyes and make nose straighter. She trains hard and passes the auditions in her dream agency. And during training this girl faces the reality of behind the scenes life in music industry.

“Why are you crying? I’m not even pushing you”

“How many times have I told you? The rest are doing it perfectly”

“She is dancing like an elementary school student“

“I watched your performance as a spectator who bought a ticket to your concert. I want a refund“

“You make my ears hurt. I don’t want to listen at all”

“Listening to you was tiring”

“I’ll kick you out instead. You won’t debut”

“I thought I was going to die. That’s how determined I was” 

While I do understand that keeping a high quality standards in media industry is important, there are more productive and healthy ways to motivate someone to improve and be more passionate, you know? Constantly insulting people with sadistic glee and putting them down at every opportunity or calling them ugly to their face doesn’t do much. 

Do you think that children know about this? Do they know about soulless teachers and belittling managers? Do they know about friends who are really your competition, so you shouldn’t get attached? Do they know about living in debt? Do they know any of this? No, I don’t think they do. 

Children dream about the stage, about the sea of lights and crowds who chant your names. They want adoring fans and photoshoots. They want to appear on TV and magazine covers. Teenagers want the thrill of performance, they want to share their music and dancing with others. 

“I don’t know how many times I cried alone”

The truth is cruel. But they won’t give up easily even if it means sleeping 4-5 hours and consuming no more than 500 calories per day. Because giving up means that your whole life was a lie. One can’t afford not to be good enough. Giving up means admitting that all efforts and money your family invested into your dream were in vain. It means losing face before your family and friends - a fate worse than death. Imagine living this idol dream and building your whole future around it and then being told that you’ll never debut because of the circumstances outside of your control or something minor, like face shape or 1 kg of weight that your body refuses to lose. It can break you. Especially if you are like 18 or something. 

5. “And who am I to bridle if I'm forced to be an idol If they say that I'm a God, that's what I am”

“I don’t think there’s anything a tough as being a trainee in Korea”

Once you are a trainee at the agency your personal life does not belong to you anymore. You can’t go out without permission of the agency. You phone is taken away. Your diet and weight are monitored. Bad habits are not allowed (no smoking, drinking or drugs). Oh! I think I found the good thing in the system! Unfortunately, it won’t last. Trainees can’t date or meet with family without permission of agency. Dating is very taboo. Even established idols can’t openly date. 

Why is that? Because gods can’t belong to anyone. Their lives are property of the fandom. Because openly dating idols destroy the self-insert fantasy. There was a former idol girl who dated another musician. She was called a whore by her fans, her loving and adoring stans. You might know who I am talking about. Would you call an American actor or singer a prostitute for dating someone?

Trainees sign the contract. And how can a young person straight out of school or university know much about what makes a good contract in entertainment industry or what makes a good contract in general? Even if you do understand the terms fully you would still sign it because if you have come so far, you can’t let your dream slip this easily. There isn’t a choice. Not really. If you want to debut, you will agree to anything.

What about life after debut? You have to pay off your loans. And company takes 60-70% of your group’s earnings. Artists themselves get 30-40% and split it between themselves. K-pop groups have from 5 to 10 members or more than that. Each person gets less than 6%. Idols are not filthy rich. They are not. These earnings are practically nothing compared to the work you have put into this. 

Idols are musicians, who often don’t even write their own songs, music or create choreography. But if public doesn’t like the song and musical number the company created, they blame idols for the failure. Such an amazing logic we see right here. But people say that sharing music is the best part of idol life. But whose music? 

Models on catwalk are not there to demonstrate their physical beauty, they are blank canvas for works of clothing designers. Same with k-pop musicians. They act like puppets in a way, whose faces and voices are used to show audience someone’s music and songs. Some groups do write their own music and lyrics and it’s nice to know that. But those, who don’t are rather unfortunate. It’s a nice tool of psychological control and pressure for an agency. They can hold it over group and use the following rhetoric: “We gave you everything! Why can’t you follow the simple instructions” or “Where would you be without us? It’s not even your music!”

I called k-pop industry a factory. That’s true. Dozens of people become trainees every year. These talented young people are fully prepared to do anything to achieve their goal. They are ready to practice until they collapse, starve themselves and pour themselves into every song. Companies know that. Tell me why would they value their idols as individuals, as people, as human beings if they always have a replacement? Why bother with mental health of their artists if next year they could have a fresh set of people, who are younger and prettier? Why try to improve relationships inside groups if you could fire any member and replace them within a month or two?

In western countries famous bands have different stories. Some were friends since high school, who played in bars and during festivals and then they were noticed by some representative of label company, who offered them a contract. Some groups were formed by like-minded people who bonded and decided to share their music with the world. There are many stories, but ultimately the have one thing in common. Bands in the West often form themselves. These people had time to bond, connect, discover each other, solve some disagreements and learn to work around their differences. 

K-pop groups are formed by their agencies. They are their property in a way. Company selects the best and puts together these total strangers, appoints the leader with marketable face and personality and then expects them to work together like a well-oiled machine. No one has time to bond during training, because other people are you competition, not friends. And then you must learn to work as a team and be best friends on camera for the audience to support the self-insert fantasy. It’s no wonder that k-pop groups don’t get along sometimes. And every member knows that they are replaceable. It doesn’t help in forming connections. Groups can’t just terminate contract and go to work with another agency. I heard it happens sometimes, but it’s not a done thing. Unlike in other countries where bands just sign the deal with a different label and release their music under their name if they don’t like the old conditions. 

“It's tough to be a God But if you get the people's nod Count your blessings, keep them sweet, that's our advice Be a symbol of perfection Be a legend, be a cult Take their praise, take a collection As the multitudes exalt Don a supernatural habit We'd be crazy not to grab it So sign up two new Gods for paradise”

But is it really a paradise?

Idols are expected to act cute, to match personalities created for them by fans or media. They have to act according to the concept of their group. They have to be a symbol of perfection: skinny, single and with a face perfected by surgery. They are allowed to mess up, but only in a cute way. They can break down and cry, but only if it’s “aesthetic”.

Weight issues are a separate topic. Sometimes I wonder whether managers in companies understand how weight loss or human body in general works. To be honest, I think that scales in agencies are rigged. And only managers know that. I know it can be done from personal experience. Some beach resorts tweak their scales and make them show 4-6 kg less than actual weight, so people wouldn’t get upset if they gain some. There is no way a girl as tall as I am (173 cm) could weigh like 47-50 kg and be able to perform complex choreography on stage and sing without being out of breath, visit the gym on a regular basis and generally function as a normal human without fainting every other day.

“I developed a lot of eating disorders”

“I think I consumed about 300 calories today“

“Someone, please, trim the fat off her arms”

If you grow up thinking of idols as gods and then, when you become one of them you think that you must act as one too. But being an easily replaceable god is a heavy burden. The industry, companies and audience want you to be perfect, to always be on your best behaviour. And the thought of not being good enough or divine enough terrifies you, because stans have no mercy (black ocean concept is the most stupid thing ever by the way). This kind of pressure can destroy even the most resilient. And it does. 

Almost everyone knows that situation with mental health in South Korea is not the best to put it lightly. In many ways it’s a cultural thing. But in k-pop mental health issues are treated with even less care. Gods are not supposed to be depressed or suicidal. They are not supposed to have fears or insecurities, can’t be upset or angry. They try hard to be this deity, this image. So, even when they realise they need professional help or even a friend to talk to, they either won’t seek said help or reach out only to be met with silence. Some agencies disapprove or forbid therapy altogether. 

Sometimes fandom becomes self-aware.

“Don’t forget that idols are people too!”

“Your favourite idols are running out of breath just to keep you entertained“

“They are humans, who have feelings!”

Oh, but here’s the thing, my friend. The industry doesn’t want you to think of them as people. Companies and media repeatedly reinforce the idea that they are not people, they are your idols. And strangely enough, the audience supports this idea. People continue to call them idols, developing worshiping tendencies in the process, imitate them, scrutinise their flaws and triumphs. Because, you know, only “real and ordinary humans” can have flaws, not “idols”.

So people who say “they are human too” and people who say “wow, this concert was amazing, but vocals in the beginning were so off-key, I simply can’t” are one and the same.

This thought process would have been funny if it wasn’t so disappointing. But that’s just my observation.

And here’s another thing about sexualisation. I said before how appearances are everything, marketable face and body could drastically improve your chances to succeed. Companies know about this too and concepts and aesthetics of groups are designed accordingly. Girls are dressed in skimpy outfits, their dances are unnecessary suggestive, they wear heavy make up and try to have “mature” vibes. Boys don’t avoid such objectification either: suits, tight pants and dress shirts along with make up and hairstyle to give audience a promise of the things to come. Grown adults are not supposed to lust after 15-17 year olds. You can’t just create a sexy stage persona for teenagers. Do you remember my earlier words about creepy merch? Yeah. All of it neatly plays into the self-insert fantasy and encourages obsessive behaviour. 

This happens in western countries too. In some way that’s understandable. Beautiful and sexy image with a hint of innocence attracts more people and sells, because it caters to one of the base human instincts. But some things make your skin crawl. 

Sponsorships are another topic. Some k-pop bands seek out sponsors to provide financial aid and cover expenses, when earnings are not enough. Sometimes these sponsorships are fine, perfectly civil. But sometimes it’s a prostitution. Girl groups receive money and provide sexual favours to their patrons. It’s a way for the group to gain financial support and even find new opportunities in the industry. Companies can encourage such deals. Let that sink in for a moment. 

6. “Any advice to those who want to become a k-pop idol?”

A lot of former idols and trainees have similar responses to this question. 

“I don’t want to discourage anyone, but think twice”

“You only see the glamorous side, but don’t see all the hard work that goes into it”

“It’s not what you think”

“They think ‘Since I am good looking and can sing and dance really well, maybe I should become an idol?’, but there is much more to it“

“They think it’s something that is easy and will keep their family set for life financially”

And this implies that most people don’t know what kind of lifestyle k-pop stars truly have, despite the amount of information available online about “behind the scenes” proceedings.

7. Moving on

I am a practical person and every decision I make is subjected to scrutiny. And after seeing everything I can't help but wonder whether idols believe it's truly worth it. What keeps the industry alive is the idol-dream, the wilful ignorance of its reality and youthful idealism, the beautiful naïve belief that it'll get better, even if it never does in the end.

Sure no one would ever admit it out loud, because it's one of those things you never say on camera, no matter how sincere you have to be. It's the matter of professionalism after all, and idols have it spades. And also, because admitting this would equal admitting that you spent your best years doing something you both loved and hated, admitting that this was a mistake.

When you grow up in a society where appearances matter the most, where saving face and being polite is more important than staying true to yourself, where individuality is tolerated only to a certain point, it takes a lot of courage to admit that you need a break. I greatly respect those who decided that idol lifestyle is not for them and moved on.

8. Conclusion

To sum up, I hope you enjoyed my small research and this perspective, since you have read it all the way to the end.  

You have noticed that entertainment industry is an intricate system and its every component makes sure nothing changes. Companies have power over idols and audience, fandom has power over idols and their careers, and musicians themselves have fame and their music, but not always the promised fortune or happiness. 

It’s important to understand the big picture to draw your own conclusions and encourage positive and heathy attitudes in fandoms. Being open minded and allowing people to make mistakes and live their lives the way they want to is a part of being a decent person. People don’t owe anything to others. Art is about sharing your thoughts and feelings, promoting ideas and spreading beauty. It’s not always about money. And I think that this is what k-pop lacks as an industry. It turned dreams and human need for self-expression into business. Here everything is turned into a product. Everything idols touch can be sold, sometimes literally. Industry created problems, which can’t be solved anymore, because doing so would topple the system. And I find it tragic. Trapped in an endless chase after perfection creators of k-pop forgot that beauty lies in the eye of the beholder. 

If you take a look at comment sections and posts on different platforms, what will you see? What kind of things resonate with audience? What makes people laugh and cry? When people start to appreciate the substance?

“Everyone needs to hear this song in their darkest moments”

“Thank you for your music!”

“They always deliver! These guys can’t make a bad song!”

“It inspired me to write again!”

“Their songs brought me and my sister together once again”

“This is what happens when you let groups write their own music - they make incredible things”

“They really are legends of k-pop! I love that they are not afraid to show their inner strength”

“Stay strong! You rock!”

I believe that the answer is quite simple: when it’s real, sincere. It’s all about the message you choose to send to your audience, because only superficial things cause obsession. When you say that the sparkly façade is all that matters, then that’s the only thing people will ever care about. Your audience will never give a damn about the meaning behind dancing, music or lyrics, if you tell them that performance is more important. No one would praise WHAT k-pop idols sing, instead they would prefer wasting breath to criticize HOW they sing or look or move. 

I dare the k-pop industry to prove people that it’s not just about looks or perfection, or laser shows, or being a branding machine. Prove to your fans that k-pop artists are also passionate people with big dreams and talent, who love every moment of their job, who live and inspire, who are human just like us and whose humanity is real!

Do it, you cowards!

And now, I’m finished. I can hear the raging crowd of k-pop fandom in the distance, which means it’s time to hide. See you some other time! 

[buckskinblues]

i feel like i’m a right-winger of the kpop fandom cuz most stans are against stans who do things that are consider toxic or inherently horrible, like having different opinions. i don’t post or tweet crazy stuffs like my faves hate cishets or useless phrases whereas most fans including non-kpop stans tweet the same stuff to make people angry and straight up being asshole. one of the main reason why I dislike the kpop fandom is because of the demonization of men

cont. [what i mean by that is when i see a tweet that talks down about male bands and other anti-male bullshit while they ironically like a male celebrity. i even feel bad for liking male bands (i also like female bands as well, i just wish kpop stans, especially gg stans will stop pitting every group against each other, like no need to be hostile to others), the fandom is becoming politicize for me and i hate myself so much]

I feel you, anon. I really do. Though I do consider myself more of a moderate, I definitely come across as more conservative to people who are really invested in the social justice/SJW/activism side of the left. I used to think I was leaning more left too, until I started to take a look around and realized I don’t actually agree with a lot of what they say. Regardless though I stay away from labeling myself as much as possible.

I don’t think it’s just Kpop though, a lot of fandoms have seemingly become politicized. It’s partly just the climate and also just a by product of the ways fandom on social media has changed things too. Attaching more of your real world, personal self into fan activities has become common, even expected--and with that comes inserting our political views and ideologies in there as well. I don’t really agree with this because it has a lot of nasty side effects (like a lot of people who are really young feeling like they have to take a stance without maturing and thinking things through for themselves...there are a lot of really young fans in Kpop and none of them should really be forced into picking up a mantle...just let them enjoy music and gush over their favorites like normal kids FFS). But suffice it to say I don’t think fandom is any place for that sort of stuff. It’s just a bunch of individuals who like [x] thing and that’s really all it should be seen as. Regardless people should be able to get along despite differing political ideologies--it’s what we do in meatspace and any halfway adjusted adult is able to do it, it’s essential to navigate life. You can’t spend 25/8 and every conversation you have with every person being defensive and on high alert for whether they have a different perspective. Every conversation turns into a battleground this way. It’s dumb AF.

I really hate the generalizations that both sides do, though, as far as Kpop goes. Each fandom for a different group is so busy throwing accusations of “hypocrite” at each other that they don’t even stop to consider whether their mudslinging is necessary or the fact that fandom isn’t an identity...at least, it shouldn’t be. Saying “[x fandom] is [y]” is usually always a bad take (and usually always just to make the other person feel better because they aren’t [x fandom] and don’t do [y] so they can pat themselves on the back). It gets even more ridiculous when so called “gg stans” and “bg stans” throw hissy fits? That’s not even a fandom, honestly. It’s so broad. Just like Kpop fandom isn’t really one cohesive group of people, just a way to group in all the people who like all the different groups together into one big pile. It’s like saying “anime fandom” or “comic fandom” or “video game fandom”--it’s a way to round up all the people who like a certain genre or type of thing but it’s rarely a good why to categorize people because it simply cannot pinpoint anything. It’s almost like Kpop fandom (or individual group fandoms for Kpop artists) don’t even know how to do fandom, honestly. But the [x] is a bad person and are terrible because they think [y] is a thing that’s been around for a while and isn’t particular to people in Kpop.

Don’t feel bad about yourself though. You aren’t doing anything wrong. You should be able to like what you like and express your enthusiasm for it. Fandoms are supposed to be fun. Don’t let other people make you feel guilty for believing what you believe. People who hate on bg groups simply because there’s boys in them are sexist--simple as that. People who constantly hate on men in general I see as miserable people. Hating half the world’s population isn’t going to get you anywhere and honestly? frothing at the mouth over something (let alone making it a part of your identity or personality) poisons you, so despite the fact it’s terrible to think about other people it’s also terrible for the person doing it too. Honestly I tend to ignore what other fans are up to most of the time. I do this for almost anything I’m into. It’s a headache otherwise.

Anyway, long story short: those other fans who hate men, get political, or get angry there are people with differing views can stay pressed. I still like some Kpop groups and I sleep perfectly fine at night despite being moderate/more conservative (in any case we all know that the reason they want everyone to be far-left is just that being a Super Progressive Woke Activist is in-style and there’s a lot of pressure to be either or...a lot of people probably wouldn’t even give two shits to the wind about it otherwise). Bitches stay bitchin but I’m doing fine.

[bunny-rambles]

my asks are getting so long that i literally need to reread your answers thrice to remember what i have to answer to Lord help me—

let's try to be organized (something i am really not lol)

1. i am, indeed, a huge tea lover. most importantly i am a huge tea drinker because guess what caffeine makes me sleepy instead of active and thus i like to drink a bunch of tea before going to bed despite me being italian i actually do not like the taste of coffee lmao

and people that know me also know i overshare a lot about things i like so yeah. green tea is one of my faves to drink like, without any alterations! any type of green tea and earl gray tea are high on my personal favourites — i also love roasted varieties like japanese genmaicha but they do taste real strong for beginners and people that don't really enjoy bitter flavours like i do. hhh if you've drank green tea and liked it that's good tho! even tho, despite matcha being green tea, it does taste like 5x stronger any tea you might've had in your life (it's also pastier on average bc it's not brewed like you usually brew normal tea)

white tea is also not the easiest to find but it's really sweet! totally recommend it if you like gentler flavours :3

2. now that i've ended the unnecessary long tea ramble, i do like to thing scara actually loves theatre. my reasoning being, his harbinger name / like literally that of every harbinger / comes from the italian tradition of commedia dell'arte, which is a type of theatre (even tho scaramouche got the french version of the original italian name), and even his given name kunikuzushi (literally country destroyer bc he's edgy like that) comes from a japanese theatre archetype! that man bathed in theatre references his entire life lmao also ye he's the balladeer

oh ye that french!genshin au was so filled with stuff... off the top of my head we had painter albedo, xiao and kaeya as decadent poets (literally one of my favourite french poetry style sigh), art critic zhongli, and then all the harbingers worked as actors at the opera as a sort of cover up for a criminal organisation let by the tsaritsa lmao. oh, and we had traveling merchant kazuha and rich son of the chinese aristocracy who fled to france to become an artist xingqiu which was so cute. they met every night at diluc's bar and made art and diluc pretended to be annoyed by it

3. smol language parenthesis, i actually found spanish harder than french lmao. like, rn i consider myself to be fluent in both but God if certain spanish grammar rules are filled with bullshit. but at the end of the day everyone is different so good luck with your spanish studies if you ever do commence them!

4. where i forgot what i was meant to be writing ah, yes!! the scara piece made me tear up a lil but it goes without saying as i am a massive scara stan and you, my friend, are a very good writer. and nothing thanks for the scara food which i absolutely enjoyed :33333

with this i'll go for real. first of all, because i have written way too much once again, and second of all i have forgotten if there was anything else in your original reply ahah. but i do, really, enjoy just talking like this with you!! our nightly exchanges always make me go to bed with a smile on my face ahah

with this i'll wish you good night! in italian we'd say ti voglio bene, which is kind of i love you but like, for friends? (it literally means i wish you well, it's funny because we're the only language i speak that actually does have a platonic ily)

with this, i wish you well a whole lot!

- 🍓

I have also been scrolling up to see what I need to reply too but no matter what the topic is, it’s always nice to talk to you <3 so I don’t mind at all

1. I’m also a big caffeine addict but I’m not sure it gives me the energy boost I need and it makes me pretty sleepy too. Hm, tea is starting to soy d rather tempting now.

1.2) the green tea I had really didn’t taste of much, it was a very subtle taste that I didn’t get, it was like drinking water,,, so it would be interesting to try it without any filters. I’ve heard matcha is good though !! So maybe I’ll have to give that a try when I’m ‘more experienced’ hehe. I like flavours I can taste, but I’ll still give anything a try.

2) I actually didn’t think of his real name also being a theatre reference, ah my little dramatic balladeer <3 I would watch him perform. But I did know about the Italian theatre that inspired the harbingers, and it’s all very interesting. Confusing, but interesting.

2.1) of course zhongli is the critic lmfao I love that, and Diluc still having a bar even in a completely different universe - that man is destined to be around alcohol even if he hates it. But the harbingers working as secret theatre performers? Goodness I’m so intrigued. Like this AU sounds really thought out and I’m so???? Like??? Hello what happens next??? Why are they undercover??? If you ever write snippets of this please just send some because I really love this idea. And Kazuha, my wanderer, oh I’m so soft for him just living his life and painting things because it makes him happy <33 I wonder if he writes poems on the side too? All of them sound wonderful, but I couldn’t help but giggle at Zhongli

3) I’m doomed if it’s not easy OTL, maybe I’ll just stick to flowery English that no one seems to understand sometimes like kazuha and call it a day ): but I’ll most likely try to take up learning a language when I start university this year so we’ll see which one I pick

4) berrryyyy… making me blush and smile and nearly cry from this. I liked writing it and I love hearing how much you and others liked it so you’re very welcome for the food<33 hope you’re not full though because there’s two more I have to write

5) this also makes me smile when we speak like this, a shame I’ve been so low on energy lately. I really didn’t want to make anything I said depressing so I just wait until I feel okay enough to reply.

- ti voglio bene, I really like that :,) it’s exactly what I mean instead of saying I love you, but platonic, so I might start signing our exchanges with that <3

-

For now, until I get to the second part, ti voglio bene, berry <3

[violetsystems]

#personal

I write here sometimes because it’s incredibly satisfying to be understood.  Some people take pictures.  I took pictures for years.  For a time I really believed that what I was doing was connecting with the world.  I traveled all over.  Spent weeks at a time in Asia by myself just wandering.  I shared it with ghostly friends and attachments.  I had understood it to be a precursor to a real connection.  That I was putting out this information on the internet to connect with someone.  Much like I had tried to make it in the music scene at one time to find likeminded people.  The one thing I’ve learned through failure is it doesn’t always work out the way you want it to.  It may just be from repetition that I’ve become more talented writing about the things I see and feel.  I’m never good enough at anything to be recognized or treated with some value in the real world.  I’ve had some of the same cryptic names cycle through my dash for years.  I’d argue sometimes that media here isn’t very social.  It’s rather communal.  A shared almost secret history of memes, idols, art and music.  You never have to clarify much.  Something here is cringe to one person and high art to others.  There’s this silent understanding that we’re all trying to move closer to what moves us.  We’re adrift in hidden connections plugged together like a Rhizome.  It’s all romantic shit if you grew up reading Gibson playing pen and paper Cyberpunk with a bunch of nerds.  But the world gets harder and harder to plug back into outside these delicate ebbs and flows of information.  I never really spent much time on Usenet back in the day other than to dig for mp3′s.  I grew up running Bulletin Board systems with my mother.  I was always writing.  I almost got expelled from a Christian High School for publishing a zine.  Some younger kids on my bus got a hold of it and claimed it was Satanic.  Half of the zine was about illustrations from people I met in real life.  Most of them were reminiscent of Pushead.  Very gory skate graphics.  The guy who drew them also designed flyers for punk bands.  Decades later I don’t really think there’s much difference between Tumblr and Zine culture.  Of all the things you’d have to wear the badge from high school, nobody really empathizes that I have become the patron saint of zine culture.  Of all the shit people could talk about me over the years.  He was a jungle dj.  Oh he was a footwork dj.  He was a white rapper.  He tried to skate but my friends are better than him.  He tried to make his own shirts.  I sold a lot of those here on Tumblr.  More so than knowing anyone in real life.  People get the impression I’m a lot of things.  I’m that guy you see helping the lady in the wheelchair in the grocery store find help.  This happened yesterday.  The woman thought I worked there.  There was an awkward sign on the door looking for a security guard for hire.  I spoke with the deli and got someone to assist.  For some reason everyone made the mistake of labeling me as a graffiti artist for years.  The police didn’t help.  I’ve had varying degrees of mistaken identity and my share of surveillance.  But I’ve never done anything other than run an apartment gallery for street art.  I was in the walk thru for an outside atm yesterday.  There was an angry white man scrubbing off some purple tags  with some orange zep.  I joked and said “get the led out!  He didn’t think it was funny.  He replied the people who lived in this neighborhood should do something about this.  I replied I lived here and there’s not much you can do.  He scolded me saying Chase could remove the atms as punishment.  He didn’t work for chase.  I told him I was more of a JP Morgan kind of guy.  Everybody on the internet thinks I’m the next roaring kitty but doesn’t want to admit it.  Or is that the other way around.  One thing I’m for certain.  I’ve been a lot of things and someone always tries to outdo me at being me.

I write here to parse the reality that nobody keeps score.  I keep track of my finances often.  For some reason, I’m doing about the best fiscally I’ve ever done just waiting for Godot.  I spoke with my dad last night about things.  I’ve had four packages go missing since mid April.  I’ve had people follow me around and give me weird looks.  I’ve had my locks tampered with.  I’ve had consistent fraudulent charges I’ve had to contend with.  It never ends.  It’s like a literal nightmare shit show outside the door at every moment.  I write here about it to simply let people know I do not think any of it is normal.  And generally, I start to believe that it never was.  I don’t drink anymore.  I don’t really have a problem with people who do.  But when people overdo it they forget how far they cross the line.  My biggest fear for this summer is the yolo effect.  That people will be so frustrated with being held back that they will use this summer as their ultimate party bus.  The shoe will be on the other foot.  If you wear a mask you are crazy to them.  Everyone will have the chance to speak their mind in public now.  They’ve been practicing on Facebook for fifteen months to tell you off.  Sometimes I feel like there’s a whole generation of people who think they stan me here.  Who go out into the wild and whisper what they think they’ve learned through reading comprehension about me.  I relish this.  Sort of like how Zizek talks of surveillance.  Let the dogs and the secret police learn something I say!  And you put it out there on the internet in any fashion and they will learn.  Often not in the way you want them to.  Which is why as a writer, obfuscation is the biggest weapon you have against nosy neighbors and pinkerton spies.  If I am even a writer at all.  This kind of activity just like my music isn’t considered anything of a skill.  There are a lot of people out there who can’t even reply in an email on LinkedIn with the spell check on.  If I have all these skills.  If I have all these things I’ve been.  Why am I in this situation particularly?  Why hasn’t anyone noticed how badly it is I am suffering on the inside?  Technically I’m not suffering as near as I was a year ago.  I’m out of debt.  I’ve gotten rid of a lot of excess baggage.  I’ve kept healthy by working out in my home.  I’ve adjusted to the reality that nobody ever gets it but me.  I’ve plugged myself into investments that I took the full risk on.  I’ve literally crawled from the ashes of a situation meant to break me.  And my consolation prize is that nobody ever.  And I mean EVER.  Talks.  About it.  What happened to me.  How fucking horrible it is.  How fucking wrong it all is.  All the way back to when I first started trying to be recognized as me.  To be valued.  I have to stop myself there.  I write here often and I feel to a certain group of dear friends it is valued.  That my context is understood a little more deeply than “maybe we can use this guy.”  I’ve been used on levels that would make you vomit in public.  And I’ve been gaslighted enough to know that there’s no use in trying to prove it.  I’m supposed to move on and understand the rules.  There are no rules out here.  There’s a semblance of order when people stand in front of cameras or their zoom mic.  When they’re shouting from their “platform” to change the world.  Nobody ever talks.  Nobody really listens.  And for that I feel we’re all growing tired of a world that simply shouts out it’s demands.  I wake up to the same reality every morning.  Nobody texts.  Nobody invites me out to socialize.  Everybody has something to say to me and it’s never “How are you doing?”  None of it really matters to me from simple statistical observation.  If I haven’t changed your mind by now, you don’t really want to know what I’m thinking.

When you get stuck.  And who knows if you will.  But when you get stuck like me.  It takes a lot of positivity to stay focused.  I go out and try to do things often.  But people will spoil that solitude with some bullshit excuse like “This is America.  I’m free to do what I want when I want.”  At the expense of others.  And out here, I’d love to tell you how I survive when nothing changes.  I stay out of the way.  I am so fucking disassociated from this place that it feels evil.  I’ve been in this city over two decades.  You would think a person like me would have some kind of culture other than being hunted and tested every turn.  Who knows who the ring leader is anymore.  People read what I write and then take it their own way.  Nobody really cares for my well being out here.  That’s self love talking.  And I am being real.  People have manipulated my entire life and put my safety at risk for the sake of some sort of performance.  Some of that is just life.  Some of that I accept because it’s the way this lane operates.  But nowhere in this journey have I sacrificed my authenticity for some big payoff.  I don’t even know what the fuck is going on with people anymore.  It is okay to remove yourself from a series of toxic situations.  It is okay to reset.  It is okay to understand that the pandemic might have reset everything for you back to square one.  It is okay to let go of social obligations that never valued you as a person.  It is okay to keep wearing a mask.  It is okay to say no.  It is okay to walk away from a disrespectful situation and rely on yourself.  It is also hard as fuck in practice.  If anyone can learn anything from me it is that you literally are asking for it.  The old fuck around and find out.  Except I’ve found out a lot more than just how charming I can be to the right person by being thoughtful and consistent.  I’ve learned the FOMO of trying to participate in a pyramid is not the kind of leverage I’m interested in.  I’ve learned that debt rhymes with net.  I’ve learned how to keep that somewhat stable in one of the most fucked up economic shitstorms in America.  I’ve learned I’m not eligible for the things people assume I’m on.  Like unemployment.  I’ve learned health insurance costs as much as my rent.  Which is a great deal on rent.  I’ve learned that making hamburgers and freezing them are delicious.  But even then you’d have to pay me more than fifteen dollars an hour.  I’ve learned this entire thing is my fault.  And I’ve written about it for years.  And yet nobody seems to want to have a conversation about it.  They just keep on assuming.  People are sleepwalking out there.  Some people are really good at faking it.  But then you follow their lead and end up in the same laugh out loud shit show.  When you get stuck, it’s best to count your blessings.  At least people might somewhere understand why I do the things that I do.  Why I think it’s completely futile to try to do anything drastic when everything always fails.  Why I’ve given up on believing that people have my best interest at heart in a city that’s ignored me for over a year.  I write to keep a clear narration of how I’m trying to tackle a problem far bigger than me.  I deal with it by staying out of the way.  Out of sight.  Trapped in a corner shack lighthouse in a highly accessible city.  With no end of people trying to access me.  To chip on through.  I wonder if you got to the center of all this.  If you really solved the mystery.  I wonder if you’d finally break down and cry.  That you’ve been wrong about me for this long.  There’s no mystery to solve about me other than why I keep writing on a dead platform.  And why the general public secretly pays so much attention to every word I type.  I don’t really “wonder” anymore.  I just know.  <3 Tim

[yaysehun]

something abt exo i guess

I don’t know where this will go or what this even is, but I just need to rant about these nine men. These nine men include Kim Junmyeon (Suho), Kim Jongin (Kai), Byun Baekhyun (Baekhyun), Park Chanyeol (Chanyeol), Do Kyungsoo (D.O.), Oh Sehun (Sehun), Kim Jongdae (Chen), Kim Minseok (Xiumin), and last but most definitely not least, Zhang Yixing (Lay). Some others might count three more men, all from China, as well as Yixing—Wu Yifan (Kris), Lu Han (Luhan), and Huang Zitao (Tao). I’ll talk about those three later. Otherwise, you could say all twelve had made me happy and changed my life, but for now, we’ll address the current nine.

It was a normal night. February 8, 2017. I had just come home from my piano lesson, and I was bored, and decided to watch an online series called “Youtubers React.” The particular episode I had been watching was youtubers reacting to K-Pop. As you can probably guess, the first video shown was EXO’s “Monster.” The production and vocal of the song immediately caught my attention, for it sounded somewhat like the electronic music I had enjoyed at the time. I added it to my playlist, became in love with it, and it stayed on that playlist for a month.

A month went by, and during those thirty days, I had been in love with BTS, or Bangtan Sonyeondan. They are another K-Pop group, one that is often compared to EXO. With that, I had become biased towards Bangtan, often having bitter thoughts about EXO. I would tell myself, “They’re nothing next to BTS,” or “I’d never stan them.” Boy, was I wrong.

The amazing song that is Monster almost forced me to listen to more of their songs. I checked out their most recent album, “Ex’act.” I listened to “Lucky One” and I fell in love. Then, I clicked on more songs that were intriguing just by their name. I listened to “Artificial Love”, which turned out to be another hit with me due to its deep-house vibe. It immediately reminded me of something Disclosure or Oliver Heldens would produce—two EDM artists I had loved (and still do). Then, I listened to tracks “Heaven” and “Stronger.” As you could expect, they both impressed me. So I figured I’d just listen to the whole album.

That led me to the repackage of Ex’act, “Lotto.” I listened to the title track—Lotto—and didn’t like it. But, I still went on and listened to the rest of the album. I remember songs “They Never Know” and “Can’t Bring Me Down” sticking out to me. Over time, I got familiar with those seven songs that I really enjoyed.

The next couple weeks consisted of me trying to learn each member’s name and their appearance. I will not lie—that was quite a task. I remember always mixing up Suho and D.O., along with Lay and Baekhyun. But eventually, I got it down. I declared Chanyeol as my bias, for he is a rapper (I always love the rappers most), and you can’t resist his adorable eyes and smile. He just stuck out to me.

More and more days turned into weeks, that resulted in me learning each member’s names and distinguishing their faces. That’s when a certain someone began to stick out to me—none other than EXO’s maknae, Sehun. I seemed to fall in love with him. With his somewhat closed-off personality, which eventually turns into a bright and outgoing soul, along with absolutely perfect face, I fell head over heels. He kind of trapped me. That’s a very true statement, for I still love him to death, and he always seems to be the one catching my eye. Every time I see him, I just get a warm and fuzzy feeling, I can’t help but smile, because that’s just what he does.

Not only him, but the group’s one and only leader, Junmyeon. I always had a soft spot for him, for he is the leader, and I’ve always thought he was not only cute/attractive, but I could just sense something about his morals and the love he has for his members. I could sense that it was passionate and genuine. I found myself falling in love with him more and more each day, and this feeling is quite fresh, for I still don’t know if I consider him an ult-bias or not. You could probably say that I can, because I appreciate him more than anyone else.

Over the past four/five months, you could easily say that a large majority of these 150+ days have consisted of me listening to EXO. I don’t think I have ever listened to a single artist as intensely as I have been with EXO. This is mainly because their music has come so far. They have a wide variety of styles when it comes to their music. With their very first album, “MAMA”, we got your normal upbeat pop, along with a hardcore title song, and more relaxed ballads.

With “XOXO”/”Growl”, we heard more upbeat pop.

Their next mini-album had one of their first electronic styled songs, “Overdose.” We also heard R&B styles with “Thunder.” After the release of this mini-album, we’d have to continue to hear more music from EXO without two members, Kris and Luhan. Their lawsuit against SM Entertainment put a big weight on not only the shoulders of the EXO members, but the fandom as well.

We move on with the ten remaining members with more relaxed R&B sounds. Their next album, “Exodus”/”Love Me Right” also had some dark and heavy songs on this album, such as “Hurt”, “Transformer”, and “El Dorado.” The variety of music on this particular album is what makes it my favorite out of the ten they have released.

Soon, Tao would file a lawsuit, joining Luhan and Kris. At this point, EXO had become stronger than ever. They lost ¼ of their group. On another group of people, losing even one member could break them down. Not EXO.

Months later, they release their second Christmas album, “Sing For You.” This is probably one of my favorite EXO albums of all time. I personally believe that the title track, “Sing For You”, is one of EXO’s best songs ever. The musicality is graceful and just beautiful. Also, we got to hear all nine members sing. That includes Sehun. Every time I hear his voice in this song particularly, I get that same warm and fuzzy feeling. His voice is so soothing and warm, I wish I could listen to it forever.

The next year, they released their third full-length album, “Ex’act.” Their lead single, “Monster”, absolutely changed me. This song became an addiction. I could ramble on about this song for hours. From the musicality to the production to the vocals, it seemed to indulge my entire being. I still am addicted to this song. This is the first time I’ve been so obsessed with a song. Monster has been on my playlist since I first heard it, and still, I don’t ever skip it. I will even listen to it more than once in a row. Otherwise, Ex’act will really hold a special place in my heart, for it gave me a dosage of the music I’ve loved for four years—there were so many songs that had the production of a electronic/deep house song. “White Noise”, “Monster”, and “Artificial Love” specifically gave me EDM vibes.

On a different note, throughout my discovery of my love and passion for EXO, I was finishing my final year of middle school. I’m not gonna sugarcoat it—throughout the past three years, I’ve felt shittier than ever. Sixth grade was probably the worst. I fell into depression and my anxiety spiked. You’d probably think that’s a young age to be diagnosed with such illnesses, but, I was a year older than everybody in my class, and I always will be. Maybe even throughout college. That’s because I have severe social anxiety. It’s so severe that my mother held back a year in school. I didn’t have friends for a long time. Around second/third grade, I made a few friends. Those are people I’m still friends with today, for I just can’t talk to people because of my anxiety. Throughout the past three years in particular, I’ve felt so alone. But since February of this year, eighth grade, I stopped feeling so alone. Because I had EXO.

I don’t know if this will ever resolve. But honestly, I’m not scared. I’ve made so many friends in the EXO fandom who are there to remind me that I’m cared for. If I don’t make any new friends in real life, I may not be okay mentally, but at the end of the day, there’s an entire playlist full of EXO, Kris Wu, Z.Tao, and Luhan waiting for me. They can take my mind off of just about anything.

The final part of this letter is somewhat hard to write due to the unknown.

Tomorrow, EXO is releasing their next song, “Ko Ko Bop”/”The War.” This will be the first comeback I get to witness with EXO and all my EXO-L friends. I can’t wait. This comeback is already so special to me, mainly because it’s the first time I’ll get to look forward to hearing new music, the first time I get to watch the clock turn 11:00, the first time I get to feel giddy and excited for EXO. I didn’t think my love for their music would reach to this extent, but it did. Who knows if I’ll like EXO at the end of the year. Either way, they will definitely be a group that I hold near and dear to my heart. This is special, for the list of bands/DJs/singers/groups I listen to is endless. My love for music varies from alternative, to EDM, to singer-songwriter, and of course, K-Pop. And it’s easy for me to say that EXO have impressed me more than any other musician I listen to, and are definitely my favorite of all time.

Another thing I want to say is something that I’ve learned over the past five months. That is, it does not matter at all how long you’ve been into a musician/group. I’ve seen fans who have been here as long as I have, then there are some who have been an EXO-L for years. Sometimes, I feel guilty because I’ve only been here for 150 days. But, I’ve learned that time is just another component in life. Seconds continue to pass, and those seconds turn into days, and those days turn into months. Which is what I’ve learned since discovering EXO. Time doesn’t matter. Because a passion larger than life can grow within those months.

Thank you EXO for becoming my best friends, thank you for your amazing music which has healed me in more ways than ever, thank you for sharing your beautiful personalities with us, thank you for being strong. Most of all, thank you for being you—Kim Junmyeon, Kim Jongin, Byun Bakehyun, Park Chanyeol, Do Kyungsoo, Oh Sehun, Kim Jongdae, Kim Minseok, and Zhang Yixing.