#I promise you he ate a bunch of raw egg yolks like cereal once in front of Aziraphale once

[skiptomyylu]

While I do enjoy the theory/headcanon of Crowley not eating because he was cursed for his food to turn to dust/taste like dust (that's a theory people have right- I'm not imagining it?) I feel like it's a bit simpler.

I feel like for Crowley it's just too much of a hassle really. Like he doesn't hate it and he'll try food if it looks interesting. But I feel like for him it's as interesting or satisfying as waiting for your dentist with that thingy holding your mouth open. It just isn't all that fun for him. For various reasons.

(Aka: My Headcanon as to why Crowley doesn't like food + foods I feel like he enioys)

1. Tongues and Teeth

- I feel like Crowley probably ended up constantly biting his tongue whenever he did eat. Not even little bites either. Those deep bites you can feel in your ear.

- I also think he must've been annoyed with food stuck in his teeth

- I feel as though he also just doesn't like the way certain foods leave a film over your tongue and/or teeth

2. Temperatures and Food Safety

- Many foods that are only safe to eat hot, Crowley like best cold or/raw

- Many foods that would be ruined if heated up, he likes them best hot

- And I'm sure there's at least two inedible (to humans) things that he'd love to have cooked in with an edible good item

- None of these things would kill Crowley. But Crowley doesn't cook. And there are very few chefs in the world who'll make you "Boiled ice cream" or "Egg yolk cereal" or "Lomein Noodles with General Tso Erasers"

3. Textures

- Textures are too unexpected for him cause he has a hard time guessing what they could be just by looking at them

- He doesn't like one texture randomly interrupting the one he's already gotten used to- especially when it's not meant to be there. So say he's eating chicken and there's suddenly a crunch

4. Chewing

- He finds chewing boring

- He feels like it makes eating a task

- I feel like once he decided to just swallow foods instead of chewing them. And food certain things it worked

- He would take the food, let it rest on his tongue. Maybe swish it around his mouth, and then swallow

- But I feel like he did in fact choke and it was the most embarrassing discorporation hell had seen for YEARS

- "What's the point of the stupid digestive system if you've gotta chew whatever goes through it first?!" He had grumbled "The esoph..sofo...sif...FOOD TUBE THING shouldn't be subjected to the sloppy seconds of bloody mouth bones!"

For foods Crowley likes, I believe they've got to be prepared by the same chef the exact same way it was when he first had it and he always uses minor miracles to ensure it happens. It was always a shame when a good chef passed away. And if that chefs family ended up inheriting a large sum of money from a mysterious person with red hair and dark glasses at the funeral- don't look at Crowley. Why would he know anything about that.

Foods I think Crowley might enjoy:

- Smoothies! I feel he had a smoothie phase at one point

- Cut up fruits

- Soups

- Deboned Raw Fish

- Spicy Noodles

- Rice

- Boiled Ice Cream

- Seaweed

- Whatever foods Aziraphale cooks (whenever Aziraphale remembers he can cook that is). He often wonders if Aziraphale puts miracles on his food or if the angel is really just that good at knowing what Crowley might like.

On the topic of Aziraphale: He LOVES watching Aziraphale eat. Well not LOVES...more like...it fascinates him. For three reasons

1) Eating is one of the few times Aziraphale is properly at ease and allows himself to selfishly enjoy something without worrying about what heaven might say. Seeing the Angel indulge (so much so that he makes sounds and does little wiggles) puts Crowley at ease. Knowing it was him that introduced him to it makes his heart swell.

2) He's a little self conscious as to how he's so particular about foods (there's no need to be Crowley! You're not alone). So he kind of watches and waits to see if there's anything special Aziraphale is doing that makes him enjoy food so much. Or maybe there's at least one food out there the Angel doesn't like

3) Wouldn't you like to know? (Iykyk)

I didn't mean to type this much...

...Whoops