#I rly dont understand why there are so many of u like 50 isnt that big for a lot of blogs but I never expected this to get any recognition

[terriblekakyoin]

“Thanks for 50+ followers gamers!”

[haeroniel-doliet]

gah another 5 am post eh fellas

fuck i really wanna do ballet. i really rarely become obsessed (if ever) with anything, but for once i’m so so so so soso wanting to do ballet. so bad. i know i might hate it bc im fucing not musical at all, so not in shape, so not comfortable or etc. but at least im 18,(wait fuck 19 now)  and not 45 trying to get in it all stiff and stuck and i think based on all the sweet positivity to adult ballet starters beginners and sure i wont perform professionally but fuck man i dont think i need that. i just want that grace and flexibility and elegance and gah itd be fabulous. i mean even now im pretending to look for turn out and walk around the house like they do in point shoes and i try fix my posture tothe advice by a ballet dancer youtuber who ive been watching so much of. i just i really wanna do it. 

saddest fucking thing is guys, that i could’ve had the chance to go to the fucking royal ballets adult absolute beginner classes. in london. i could have. fuck. u wanna know what happened? i found out about it like a month or two ago and was fucking psyched bc its one of those things that just is too good to be true. the best company in uk?? w adult classes? while im in london?? yeah id have to miss a few weeks bc. whoops i gotta go back up to do my exams,but i couldve at least done a few weeks, come back and done a few last so i’d have had the best opportunity to give this a go in the best environment and then have a kindling to go off with to other available ballets. and not start with some barely managing person in a shitty studio thing. idk. sure so i tell my parents so fuckin excited bc look! its possible! but yeah its expensive, wouldve been abt 90 pound w me being a student and id have to miss 3/10 classes. but still! thin of it gah its making me so sad happy. sad bc guess its now sold out. of fuckin course it is. i told my mom and she just was uhmm ohh i dunno i dunno, oh its adults i could do it, and thinking that maybe getting her involved would mean i have a better chance of going, dont care much for her company but if shed take it as a bonding thing hell, i’ll probably do better than her in class and minor confidence boost as well as if they all others are old old i wont be alone. and she could pass over what they learned when im up in scotland. Guess that was a fuckin mistake. she got all nervous and self concious and put it off with a we’ll see we’ll see about it im thinking. and making it a whole thing like instead of me wanting to go so bad and offering for fun that shed join me, as if im trying to pressure her into doing it and would only go along to make her feel better. uh.... fucking wrong! im so mad actually. bc of course, no matter how often i mentioned it she wouldnt take it seriously to even consider booking me in! no no of course not we’ll see. and then i check before im coming back, dreading and being right that yep. theyre fucing sold out. of course they are its such a fanstastic opportunity! my only fucking opportunity! when ever again am i going to live in london with weeks free to go participate in that? when ever again? never. theyre moving out of london this summer and fuck. just doing some research and the scottish ballet is in fucking glasgow. yes i was supposed to get there if i hadnt been so shit with studying for my exams. (sure i wouldnt be doing archery and wouldnt have all the other wonderful things i now enjoy in aberdeen but fuck its frustrating) and ofc. aberdeen seems to have: one shady dance company that offers ballet fusion. not adult ballet classes. another shady school that practices at robert gordons that have no website nothing. no info how to sign up or if they have adult classes or when its so stupid and weird. maybe ill have to contact them directly idk. sure my uni has a what seems to be a thriving dance society that i have a glitched out membership for. (its 50 pound a year and i have cerrainly not paid that) and i guess they do ballet on the side. but again from a glance around, looks its only intermediate. not beginners. dont think theres that many uni age girls who just wanna start ballet now. 

so it looks bleary. even in finland, i cant understand body parts in finnish so that might just be frustrating if i could even find a place that offers it. not that i’ll have long at all in finland. ill be there barely a month before heading back to uni and i come back holidays. if i wanted to take one of these eleven week courses, i think id have to geta fuckin liscence and a car and drive to glasgow 3 hrs both ways for a class once a week and that sjust stupid. im so fucking mad about this missed opportunity. like my muscles are itching and aching to do it. my legs want to work out in ballet positions. they just rly do. yeah maybe ill have to start doing barre at home from videos to try ease that, but its not gonna be the same and ill do it all wrong bc i have no teacher to direct me or anything. correct either. sure if i had done it and loved it i might still be mad that i have no opportunities to continue like i want to, but at least id have that expereince and could keep practicing at home based off of it.  i am genuinely upset okay. upset betrayed disappointed sad twitchy and ugh. sure tickets go on sale today to swan lake after exams. and by fuck will i go see it. and ill get all the background before it and know it inside and out before i see it (already kinda do) and i will love it. ill bemaybe more upset and more twitchy that i cant do it, that i cant be lie them and that rly sucks. i really really wish by some miracle the school would offer summer courses so that i could just, get myself after exams into one. also another frustrating thing not quite so pressing on my mind is how my dad wants me to get summer jobs, maybe even two. one here and one in finland. sure it should theoretically be easier getting it here, esp. since im 19 now and yeah. i could work in a cafe or store just to get money and have smth to put on a cv thats not 2 weeks. but i dunno i dont particularly want to, i was hoping in london i could get the most of it culturaly (considering ive been a pouting and sad whailer whos not done anything for the last two years) then again i have p much no friends here so if i did go work somewhere theres a slight chance thered be someone i get along with and could hang out w. or visit if i needa back in london. i dunno. things are weird. sure i could try get an admin job w nhs like some lady suggested but its one of those too much responsibilty things, consdiering im shit with work i kinda would prefer to do some physical job like stacking shelves in a shop bc im good at that. but thats not gonna help me in the future. money yes, but cv building or careers wise? nah. i should owrk in hospitality or smth i dunno even i can barely get thru my work to pass rn so  i dunno about job searching. im jsut a mess am i not. regardless maybe i should look if theres other ballet schoolsin london. be desperate, get a job and a ballet class going over summer and do art on the free time i guess. 

okay so fer now ive found a course for like fucking 156 pound thats a 2 day full days course that looks mad cool for having different classes to learn vocab and etc and then a bit of fucking swanlake like yooo.. best thing its in like july but thats also possibly bad bc its july 28-29 and july 30 we move out. man it could be cool tho. then they offer there as well a taster session p much every other week and then a full 8 weeks of class p near by to me. sure this is specifically taught by a man and id prefer a woman but, i guess. since its ideal timing and place. and i got wondering why thats 150 and the national ballet wouldve been abt 90 and i guess there i get concession and it wouldve been only 6 classes considering the dates they had off. i should rly ask if they do do concession bc 150 is a bit steep still. for 8 classes thats almost 20 pound for 75 mins. its kinda insane. theres probably more companies i havent looked at but there is one other thats like a drop in thing 10 pound cash each class and thats a 90 mins so it might be better. ofc. obv. fault being that its drop in so being an absolute beginner w likely a lot older adults idk how id fit in or keep up or get hte most of it. i think ill go try it once regardless. then when back in abdn ask around for taster sessions and beginner ballet. worst comes to worst i wait another 4 years till i get to a big enough city that they have a nice ballet company and somewhere i can live like an adult but also get in on adult ballet and enjoy myself. maybe my industrial placement city will have  a ballet company idk. 

all i know is that im a bit obsessed and everyone says to go for your dreams etc. and as much as i enjoy archery (slowly gonna dedicate to it) and aikido (though training can be frustrating and training with old men isnt that fun) and ice skating is another less of a dream but in the same realm as ballet. that im gonan get new skates for and give it a better try. i just think ballet could  be so fucking rad and im sad that its not so easy rn. and that my mom fucked me over. for that one course that couldve been cheap and amazing and mindchanging. to go to the ballet knowing what some of it feels like would be great. sure id love  a chance to do some after as well u know. ofc it sucks it might cost a couple hundred over summer to these hobbies and i feel iffy spending 180 on a quality waterproof jacket. sure. they spend it but, im v concientious and dont wanna spend much of their money esp cus im not making my own. i guess logically, i should put a bunch of effort to getting thru this term rly well without lies and get a sumemr job. that way, i could theoretically take loan from my parents  and pay back with summer job money w some left over to do as i like with (yeah i should save it for sensible shit but idk) also considering how nice i am my dad might not even want me to pay back. look i dunno. thats an idea. be good, be rewarded w ballet classes and an unstrained relationship w my parents, joyously move back to finland and start next term w a clean slate, hopefully more help and new determination into hobbies. maybe i wanna do 4 sports since i never did much as i was younger. tho sure, i did aikidos cousin taekwondo. ive shot a bow and arrow whenever i had a chance. ive skated since literally like 3 yrs old. and i used to take a form of dance a alot younger. sure no musicality but i think the exercises would be great for my knees and legs and butt and torso and posture. htese are fun sports since i dont like to work out. and since im not comfortable enough in myself to go swim. 

[kyohiba]

Xue Yang’s 420 Punishing Reincarnations AU

REINCARNATION AU

but who is he if he doesnt ruin it all tho

ssyifpfff🌙 OH YES

35m 34 minutes ago yeeting patriarch he ruins some stuff but not on the Did Everything Wrong & Ruined Everything level like he did

he could reincarnate n still find song lan bc hes..... basically immortal now

ssyifpfff🌙 n he helps heal xxcs n a-qins soul

34m 33 minutes ago yeeting patriarch like? mass murder of a sect over his pinky? Ok. using the goodness of xiao xingchen and breaking his soul beyond repair?? Too Much

ssyifpfff🌙 yea tht sect was full of dicks tbh but xxc was Angel

33m 33 minutes ago YES

what about xue yang paying off with some reincarnations

with each of them, he learns something

yeeting patriarch and pays for what he did and starts to Realize

ssyifpfff🌙 SLOW BURN CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT ASDFGHJK

32m 31 minutes ago yeeting patriarch in all those reincarnations, he meets painful ends

ssyifpfff🌙 in one of them he goes blind

32m 31 minutes ago but each makes him Learn And Pay

HOLD UP

and then, in the one where he manages to help song lan with the souls of xxc and a-qing

his next one, where the three meet again song lan

HES BLIND

hes still pretty much a petty grudge holding chaotic bastard little shit but with no murder or scheming

but his pay offs didnt end

yeeting patriarch with xxc and a-qing back, he still gotta pay off for what he did

ssyifpfff🌙 once he helps rebuild their souls they should b able to reincarnate too, n they can find each other u___u

29m 28 minutes ago xue yang: *reincarnates again* ayyy wassup song lan song lan: song lan: There We Go Again

wait i think people shouldn't have their past life memories right

yeeting patriarch BUT XUE YANG GETS THEM AS A PART OF HIS PUNISHMENT !?

xue yang in every reincarnation: ah shit here we go again

YES HE NEEDS TO AS PUNISHMENT

WHO PUNISHES HIM??? WE DO

ssyifpfff🌙 GET FUCKED XUE YANG LMAO

26m 25 minutes ago IFENSKSITNESOZFWJKSHS

yeeting patriarch xue yang we love u but u DESERVE

BITCHES GET STITCHES

in one of his reincarnations he trusts some1 n they betray him by killing him

in another one he is born into a loving family but they all get murdered

ssyifpfff🌙 dam thts a lot of years of damage if hes gonna rmmbr them all lmao

23m 22 minutes ago ssyifpfff🌙

22m 21 minutes ago IGEBEKIDTVEKSOZGBSLSUGWKS

It's What He Deserves

it's all for him to Learn

yeeting patriarch learn to accept his punishment, learn about the wrongdoings he did...

ssyifpfff🌙 learn to love back u_u and to accept kindness

20m 19 minutes ago learn to forgive n move on

"i have nvr in my life yelled at a girl like this. whn my mama yell at me its bc she love me. i was rooting for u we were all rooting for u hOW D

ssyifpfff🌙 LEARN FROM THIS"

19m 18 minutes ago the reincarnation he finally meets xiao xingchen again and a-qing he holds grudges like a normal person. and it's just ur average tsundere

yeeting patriarch we cannot wipe out completely the chaotic bastard essence he has

ssyifpfff🌙 DO THEY RECOGNIZE HIM???

18m 17 minutes ago OH MY GOD

yeeting patriarch DO THEY

mayb its like those AUs where they DONT exactly but

they Know theres some1 in there they met once

theres a familiarity

ssyifpfff🌙 he Knows its them tho

17m 16 minutes ago yeeting patriarch it would be Too Cruel for xiao xingchen to remember him...

TRUUUU

GASP Maybe to help xxc n a-qins soul he has to give up his own

ssyifpfff🌙 i mean, give his life

16m 15 minutes ago so they only get that Familiarity Vibe

maybe some fragmented dreams

yeeting patriarch FUKC

ssyifpfff🌙 YESSSS DREAMS

15m 15 minutes ago then, after he gives his own life to help xxc and a-qings souls

the next reincarnation

where the three are all born again

yeeting patriarch he Finally doesnt remember all his past lives

THEY JUST FEEL FAMILIAR TO EACH OTHER

ssyifpfff🌙 Y A S

14m 7 minutes ago there is still stuff for him to go through

he finally paid off most of his punishment

yeeting patriarch THE STRINGS OF FATE BRING THEM TOGETHER

ssyifpfff🌙 oooOOOOOOOH

13m 6 minutes ago yeeting patriarch im so sorry for song lan tho boi deserves his Rest & Fresh New Reincarnation too :(

maybe this time he has to Work to be loved. whn he met xxc he was just accepted w/o question. this time he needs to earn love

yea............. idk how it would work w a fierce corpse

guess he would have to Perish first

oH MAYBE

bc theres 2 souls to heal (xxc and a-qin) there needs to be 2 sacrifices

ssyifpfff🌙 thus song lan needs to Perish n then he can re enter the reincarnation circle

11m 4 minutes ago yeeting patriarch I NEED TO COPY, PASTE & EDIT THIS WHOLE CONVO. WE CANNOT LET THIS AU BE LOST IN OUR DMS

DO IT NYARI SAFE GUARD IT

ssyifpfff🌙 N USE IT TO CONVERT PPL INTO XUE YANG CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AU

9m 2 minutes ago WE ARE AT IT AGAIN BEING DOGS

GODS******

yeeting patriarch quite literally being gods and doing what we want with the characters fates

DOGS

the only dog here is xue yang lmao

ssyifpfff🌙 if we dont, whos gonna do it????

4m 6 seconds ago OH ALSO

in all those punishing reincarnations, xue yang has quite a short lifespan

yeeting patriarch he never lives up his 30s

he has to die at more or less the same age as in his first go

so yea not to his 30s

ssyifpfff🌙 "he has to die" lmao sorry boi.............

3m 4 seconds ago how old was xue yang again

hes quite young right

yeeting patriarch on his 20s

ssyifpfff🌙 :/ im not sure

2m yeeting patriarch let's make it up he wont reach the 30s and it's ok

YEA LMAO

tbh idk the ages of any of the characters

only jin ling

ssyifpfff🌙 n sizhui

57s yeeting patriarch going thru the 20s only so many times is some punishment ksjdhgfshdj

LMAO TBH

WE RLY MAKING HIM GO THRU HIS TEENAGE YEARS N THN HIS 20S N THTS IT

ssyifpfff🌙 thts the cruelest thing we ever done

OH

yknow The Final Reincarnation

xxc, song lan and a-qing have this sense xue yang is Familiar

xue yang does as well

but hes the only one who gets the most fragmented dreams

the others get fragmented blurred light memories in dreams

this makes them Question xue yang

and thus this time he has to Work to have their affection

mostly xxc's, ofc

with song lan and a-qing it'll be a bit of a cat and dog frenemies thingy

yeeting patriarch (xue yang as the cat, ofc)

frenemies is all he has lmao + xxc

song lan.......................................... he wont rmmbr righgt¿

asdfghjfhg the fragments he gets are gonna be abt him n xxc too

ssyifpfff🌙 thts gonna Hurt

1m 10 seconds ago YESSSSSSSSSSS

all of them are Clean of Full Past Memories

yeeting patriarch but FATE will bring them all together (modern setting au)

song lan we will find u love this time around

10m 50 seconds ago xxc, song lan and a-qing will all get all the good stuff

only xue yang will still go thru some Missions

well.

if we will have poly xxc with song lan and xue yang

song lan will get some Punishment by default GSDHJFOISU9DYFGHJDS

it's okay, xue yang will be 69x times better this life around, so

he will only have to up with xue yangs dramatic ass in the name of love for xxc

yeeting patriarch i mean back then he did leave xxc and only came back yeeeaaars later in Regret

ssyifpfff🌙 ACTUALLY UR RIGHT HE MESSED UP TOO

6m yeeting patriarch enduring an updated and polished xue yang is OK

ssyifpfff🌙 bsides ..... whn they work together to bring xxc n a-qins soul back they're gonna start getting along a bit more

5m yeeting patriarch YES

ssyifpfff🌙 xue yang will have gone thru development by tht point

5m yeeting patriarch he will witness the path of xue yangs reincarnations

OMG IMAGINE THEM HAVING TO GO ON ADVENTURES TOGETHER FOR XXC

OMG SONG LAN THE SILENT WATCHER OF XUE YANGS STRUGGLES

ssyifpfff🌙 MAYHAPS HE MIGHT EVEN COME TO FEEL FOR HIM

4m by the time they all reincarnate, his sense of familiarity will be Different from xxc + a-qings

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

HOLY FUKC YESSSS NYAURORA YES

we did it, we made this amazing poly fucking work

WHAT ABOUT

THIS FINAL REINCARNATION

they kinda get those Family Vibes

a-qing comes a bit later on

yeeting patriarch 2 and a half dads and their daughter

ssyifpfff🌙 2 AND A HALF DADS ASDFGHGHKLJFA

2m yeeting patriarch (and a half because even so much reincarnations, xue yang isnt a proper dad)

hes like a k00l uncle

ssyifpfff🌙 a bit of a bad incluence uncle

2m yeeting patriarch actually this does song like a father to me

ssyifpfff🌙 but tbh if not for his bastardy, xue yang n a-qing would get along so well

1m the fuck up

SOUND*

LIKE

since he will have to earn for a-qings affection

the start will be rough

but later on, theyll be the Chaotic Duo

yeeting patriarch since this time around our xue yang is updated and polished to be the bastard on the right level

IMAGINE

one day into a distant future

all four together

yeeting patriarch with peace, happiness and warmth

ssyifpfff🌙 listenin to mcr?

3m and then

all of sudden

tears start falling from xue yangs eyes

yeeting patriarch hes all ???? about it

ssyifpfff🌙 NYARI

2m yeeting patriarch and the other three are just as shocked

ASDFGHJHG DONT

HES SO HAPPY

THIS TIME AROUND HES HAPPY FINALLY

ssyifpfff🌙 CENTURIES OF HURT

1m yeeting patriarch he doesnt understand why he got so overwhelmed

ssyifpfff🌙 OF HARD WORK TO BE BETTER

1m he cant make the tears stop

xxc gets super worried asking where it hurts

but... nothing hurts

yeeting patriarch THEN HE CRIES HARDER

ssyifpfff🌙 n thts whats making him cry!!! nothing hurts finally n hes glad!!

26s 3 seconds ago yeeting patriarch NOTHING FUCKINF HURTS NYASSHOLE. THIS IS HAPPINESS

ssyifpfff🌙 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

19s 3 seconds ago yeeting patriarch HOLY SHIT WE DID DONE THAT

the first few reincarnations and how hard it was for xue yang

the stages of grief but thru his many reincarnations

with the last one, before the Modern Setting

him breaking down in front of song lan

finally it all hit him and he gets it

when they manage to sacrifice their souls for xiao xingchen and a-qing's, he even wishes to not be reincarnated again so they can be At Peace without him

yeeting patriarch their lives*

OMG XUE YANG WISHING HE JUST REMAINS DEAD. NOW THT HE HAS FINALLY GOTTEN XXCS SOUL THE LAST TEST IS AN ACT OF REAL SELFLESSNESS.

ssyifpfff🌙 its would b so good?? bc whn he first get introduced to xy his motivation as a character is to get xxcs soul so he can use it for his own good

42m 41 minutes ago n at the end he would GIVE his soul for xxc, for THEIR own good

ssyifpfff🌙 did we just invent character development?

42m 41 minutes ago yeeting patriarch WE MF DID DONE IT AGAIN

ssyifpfff🌙 also purple420 lmao

41m 40 minutes ago yeeting patriarch he Finally embraces all the grief he felt when xxc died

ssyifpfff🌙 HE RECOGNIZES IT AS GRIEF!! BC BFORE HE JUST FELT ANGER AT XXC OF ALL THINGS

41m 40 minutes ago back then, the emotional constipation got in the way and he fucked up

but after so many punishing reincarnations, he finally came to take it all in and Understand

imagine him breaking down so many nights begging to xxc to forgive him in a desperate prayer

and song lan then one day witness it

yeeting patriarch fukc the road with song lan was also such a hard one

song lan seein xy chara development from afar is the best idea weve had in a long time nyari

ssyifpfff🌙 we did that

38m 37 minutes ago in the first few... idk, 10 reincarnations, song lan was so angry. 'why does he keep coming back? why does he have his memories?'

yeeting patriarch fates would always put song lan in xue yangs path

ssyifpfff🌙 Fate (us)

36m 35 minutes ago yeeting patriarch how Dolce it is to imagine xue yang finally taking in grief and regret and it all and breaking down... *kisses fingers like a chief*

by that last time, song lan and xue yang sacrificed their lives, even song lan was already suffering seeing the punishments of all xue yang's reincarnations

he witnessed all of them

yeeting patriarch and saw with his own eyes, ops! with xiao xingchen's eyes, nyeheh. how much xue yang learned and changed