#I started this so long ago while reminiscing on my italy trip

[juminies]

when it rains

storms and how to dance in them

♡ — jumin han x reader, 1500 words. happy valentines day!

♡ — dividers by @/cafekitsune

“Have you ever experienced a place like this during a thunderstorm?” Jumin had asked you two days ago. It was a passing question if anything, sitting on the tiny dock out back, hidden from the wandering eyes of old walls by an unkempt weeping willow. Your feet barely grazed the water below you—toes shallowly submerged in the cool of the lake accompanied by a shallow jealousy of Jumin’s requirement to roll up his slacks so as to not get the bottoms of them soaked.

“I haven’t. I’ve never experienced anywhere like this at all.” This is something he knew already, you’re sure. “Without you, at least.”

“Then perhaps you’ll witness it. Storms are relatively common around this time of year.”

You had pulled your legs up after that; carefully turned on the rough oak below you to throw wet feet over Jumin’s lap and wiggle your toes in a weak attempt to shake off the water. Jumin laughed and leaned in to kiss your forehead, easily ignoring the damp patches it left on his thighs.

He had simply not elaborated on why he’d ask such a thing in the first place.

The rain starts while you’re eating out. Tucked away in a cosy Michelin star place that Jumin had taught you how to properly pronounce the name of during the walk over, hands interlocked as he tapped the syllables against your thumb. One side of the restaurant half overlooks the lake through floor-to-ceiling windows and the clouds had seemingly come from nowhere, cloaking the sun as they did. As it turns out, however, the drizzle adds a pleasant atmosphere that makes your lunch feel more intimate even amongst the other diners’ soft chatter.

“I believe a Pinot Noir is an appropriate choice in both warmth and rain, no?” Jumin says as you scan the menu.

“Sure,” you hum. “You know I’ll always trust your judgement on wine. It’s sort of a shame about the weather, though.”

Jumin smiles, a sparkle in his eyes captured by the accent lighting. “It could snow for the rest of our trip and still I would rather be here with you than anywhere else.”

Both food and conversation are delightful as expected; so much so that the rain is resigned to nought but ambient noise or a light accompaniment to the live piano. You drink maybe one too many glasses of wine, maybe eat a little more than you had planned. Jumin even lets you pick his dessert for him when you can’t decide between two but insist it would be a waste to buy both just for yourself. You end up ordering a tiramisu alongside something with raspberry and chocolate—significantly sweeter—and you don’t quite manage to polish off both even between the pair of you.

There’s a shift in the atmosphere when you have to leave. You stare at the way dark clouds seem to roll ever closer as Jumin quickly converses with a staff member to inquire about getting his hands on an umbrella.

Your husband’s left hand is in yours and his right holding the newly acquired (very graciously borrowed) umbrella over the both of you as you start the walk back to the villa. His wedding ring is cool between your fingers as you lightly swing your connected hands with each step.

“Do you think the rain will slow anytime soon?” you ask. Jumin shifts the umbrella further over you, fully exposing his own shoulder to the elements. A few drops of rain stick strands of hair ruffled by the breeze to his skin.

“It’s difficult to say. It looks as though it should continue for a few hours at least,” he says.

It only picks up as you walk, and though the air stays warm you both decide after a little while longer that calling a taxi is more reasonable than walking the remaining thirty minutes.

“We’re going to have to run,” you tell Jumin as the car approaches the house.

Jumin chuckles in return—a deep, rich noise—and says, “I do have an umbrella.”

“We’re going to have to run,” you reiterate, and pluck the umbrella from his lap.

“I see. So we took a good man’s umbrella for nothing?” he says, a hint of playfulness in his tone.

“Of course not. We can leave it here for the next poor soul who gets caught in the rain.”

Jumin is enamoured by every word you speak. He smiles and it reaches his eyes in this pleasing little way that is reserved for when he looks at you. “Then it looks like we will have to run.”

And when you do it’s an intimate moment in its own way: the coveted Jumin Han and his wife hand in hand as they traverse a little winding path in the pouring rain. You both squeeze into the alcove the entrance is set into as he unlocks the door, water not quite sinking into your hair or clothes just yet but threatening, threatening.

No sooner than the front door is shut behind you Jumin finds himself being pulled through the hall to the glass doors that open out onto the back garden. Lightning flashes distantly.

“Dance with me,” you say, hand on the door.

“My love,” Jumin says. It’s just barely a warning.

A low rumble outside startles you and then keeps going, loud and disconcerting, and as you grip just that bit harder onto his arm Jumin grins. “The mountains function almost like a bowl surrounding us. The sound echoes.”

There’s a minute or so where you remain behind the glass, one hand on Jumin and the other on the door. You wait for another flash, and when it comes it’s just visible across the vast expansion of the lake. When the thunder booms again you look over to Jumin and find his eyes already fixed on you, as though he’s waiting for something.

“Dance with me,” you echo; words affectionate in a way the thunderstorm does not know how to reach nor infiltrate.

Jumin looks up at the clouds. The sun filters delicately through gaps in them and creates a stark contrast to the way the rain falls. “It would be irresponsible,” he says, but rests his hand over yours on the door handle.

“We’re already wet.” You lift his arm to illustrate your point and a well timed droplet falls from his sleeve.

“So this was part of your plan?” Jumin asks, an eyebrow raised in amusement.

You laugh and Jumin shakes his head. He drags the door open despite himself and water immediately finds you both, pattering against the tile in the entryway.

You dance in the rain the way you dance together in your front room late at night. Jumin had taught you basic ballroom steps properly years ago, but this– it’s this casual thing that’s reserved for each other’s company as opposed to a ball. Still methodical but less calculated and formal. It’s a step that’s exclusive to the two of you, one that falls naturally, one with more spins than are really necessary and little to no space between you where possible. The feel of Jumin’s fingers against the small of your back is all the more obvious through the wet fabric melded to your shape.

When you slow a ray of sun pours through the raindrops as clouds shift above you, and it rests so perfectly over Jumin’s face that you could almost believe it was a purposeful choice on the sky’s part.

If any artist, I am partial to sculptors, Jumin had once told you. You had been in a small, ornate gallery in France with V where Jumin, quietly admiring a marble statue, had seemed to fit in almost perfectly. That’s what he reminds you of now, too. His features could have been carefully crafted with a chisel—they’re bright and purposeful against a backdrop of messy grey. Beautiful. Untouchable.

Except you can touch him, and you do, swiping a strand of soaked hair away from his eye before draping your arms over his shoulders. A droplet of rain glistens as it runs down his nose and you laugh when it falls from the end.

“Whose idea was this?” Jumin asks.

“Mine.” You beam. Lightning flashes again somewhere over the mountains as Jumin runs his hands to the back of your thighs and lifts you to wrap your legs around his waist in one swift motion. The soaked fabric of your dress bunches strangely around your hips and yet you can’t find it in yourself to pay it much mind.

Jumin ducks his head and kisses your clavicle. “I am somewhat concerned,” he murmurs, then presses another kiss to your shoulder. “What if you catch a cold?”

“If that happens, it was your idea,” you say. He laughs against your neck, his breath hot on your skin.

Thunder rumbles again and the echo follows suit. When Jumin leans in to kiss your lips in the midst of it he still tastes like tiramisu and Pinot Noir. The latter does most definitely work well in both warmth and rain, you decide.

You sigh into his mouth and he grips your flesh a little tighter, wringing water out of your dress in tandem as if to prove a point.

“In that case I feel it’s only my duty to get you out of these wet clothes, is it not?”

[doyouever-daydream]

Friends with Kids.

A/N  I re-watched Friends with Kids for the firs time in years and I came up with this, if you, like me, love rom-coms I highly recommend it, therefore if you don't want spoilers for the movie, go watch it and then come back here to read this! For the sake of the story there might be some OOC moments, don't kill me. Also there are many time-jumps so I hope it’s not too confusing. English is not my first language so bear with me, I try my best, I'm still working on it. I enjoyed writing this so much! I started last month and it was a blast so hopefully you enjoyed it as well, if you did, let me know! Thank you for reading this super long oneshot. P.S. This is the first work of the Movie AU series that I've been planning (if you pay close attention, without intending to I wrote a couple clues about others stories I'm working on (Movie AU's as well) 👀

P.S. 2 You should go and check this post and this post and help if you can ❤

ALSO this is another entry for my @cmbingo​ card, the square is Friends to Lovers.

Summary: After seeing all of their friends having kids, Penelope and Luke decide that since none of them seem to have found their person, they agree to have a child of their own. Having a kid with your best friend can't be that bad, right? (Movie AU: Friends with Kids)

Pairing: Penelope Garcia x Luke Alvez (with a little bit of Jemily 🤭)

Warnings: Cursing, mentions of sex, bad jokes, SLOWBURN, some angst I guess, some grammar mistakes.

Word count: 15410 (y’all told me to post it as a one instalment lmao 🤯🤯🤯)

Masterlist (You can also find this and other fanfics in my AO3 acc )

Luke didn’t need to look up to know that Penelope was finally down in the lobby, the sound of her high heels gave it away, he pocketed his phone and got up, ready to go and meet their friends.

“Hello chica” He kissed her cheek and she returned the gesture.

“Hi newbie, I’m sorry it’s so late, I got caught up at work, let’s go”

“After you” Once they were outside their apartment building, they called a cab, eager to get to the restaurant and catch up with their friends.

“How was work?” Penelope asked him as she put on lipstick.

Luke shrugged “Same as usual, nothing exciting happens, what about you?”

“Terrible day, I can’t wait to drink a couple glasses of wine” Luke snorted and raised an eyebrow “Or five”

“It’s Friday so I’m also thinking about getting a little tipsy” She placed her lipstick in her purse and rested her hands in her lap with a smile on her face.

“It’s been so long since the eight of us have gone out to dinner, I miss everyone”

“I know, I don’t think I’ll recognize their faces anymore” Penelope rolled her eyes instead of going along with it.

They remained in a comfortable silence the rest of the time, saving everything else they had to say until they were with the rest. Penelope and Luke saw each other much more often than the others, mostly because they lived in the same building, just an elevator ride apart, Penelope’s place was on the third floor while Luke’s was on the seventh. Another reason as to why they didn’t see each other that much was because half of the gang, Matt, Kristy, Derek and Savannah were now parents and they didn’t have as much free time time as before.

Once in the restaurant, Penelope walked as quickly as she could, Luke following close behind careful to act if she tripped or something. Penelope’s smile fell just a little when she only saw Emily and JJ sitting at the table.

“Hey, you guys are here” Emily and JJ quickly rushed to them, and after a round of greetings and hugs, the four sat down.

“Where's the rest of the gang?” Luke asked, looking around to see if they were by the bar or coming from the bathroom.

“Yeah, we can’t be the awesome eight when there are only four of us here” Penelope stated as she nicely signaled the waiter to come over.

Emily bit her lip and looked at JJ “They called to inform us they can’t make it tonight” The blonde woman informed them.

“Kristy’s not feeling well and Matt has to be there to take care of the kids and Derek and Savannah couldn’t find a sitter” Emily added carefully watching Penelope, they all knew she had been looking forward to this dinner for a few weeks now.

“Oh” Penelope forced a smile “It’s ok, I get it, things happen” Under the table, Luke took her hand and squeezed it, she looked at him and smiled a little less forced this time.

“We’ll be the fabulous four tonight” JJ raised her glass and Penelope remembered she hadn’t seen them in a few months so it was still exciting getting the chance to see them.

“I’ll drink to that” They all proceeded to order their drinks and dinner, ready to make the most of the evening.

They spent the next hour and a half talking about how life was, JJ and Emily told them about the trip they made to Italy to celebrate their three years of marriage, Penelope told them a funny story about a blind date gone wrong, Luke shared he was getting promoted at work, overall life was good for all of them and it made the evening much more pleasant even though four of their best friends weren’t there.

“There’s this guy at work who I think would be great for you” JJ commented while eating her dessert.

“I don’t know if I should trust you to set me up anymore, last time was horrible” Penelope replied remembering the last date she had with one of JJ’s prospects for her.

“No, this time it’ll be better, I promise” 

“I think you’d like this guy, Pen” Emily said while sipping on her glass of wine.

Luke nudged her with his elbow “Come on, chica, let JJ set you up, it can’t be worse than the time the guy bursted into tears when you told him you were a Libra”

They all laughed, followed by a loud sigh from Penelope “God, I missed this so much, being with you, laughing at my terrible luck when it comes to dating”

“I missed it too” Emily interjected “Being together not laughing about your love life”

“I gotta say it” Luke started “I love our friends’ kids so much but I miss the times when it was just the eight of us, you know?”

Before JJ or Emily said anything Penelope spoke “I know, I mean I’m also super grateful those little sweethearts joined the fam but on nights like these I get all nostalgic reminiscing the pre-babies era”

JJ and Emily shared a look and both Penelope and Luke knew something was up “What’s that?” Luke wondered.

Emily took JJ’s hand “Well, one of the news we wanted to share tonight was that JJ and I are adopting” Penelope and Luke were wide eyed “We actually started the process a few months ago but didn’t know when we were going to be matched and we didn’t expect it to happen soon but we’ve been matched, it’s sweet one year old girl” JJ finished telling their news to their friends.

“Her name is Emerson and she’s coming home with us in a couple weeks” Emily waited anxiously to see their reactions.

Penelope was the first one to speak “Oh my God, you guys, congratulations, a new addition to the fam” She was genuinely excited with her news and so was Luke.

“It’s great to hear this, you’ll be amazing moms” He turned to Penelope “We’re getting a new niece”

“I know, I know, look about what we said earlier-” JJ cut her off.

“Oh, it’s ok, we know kids aren’t really your thing so it’s alright” Luke was the only one who noticed how Penelope’s face changed for one second, she quickly smiled again, hoping no one noticed the flash of disappointment in her face at JJ’s words.

After saying their goodbyes and promising to reunite once Emerson was settled with JJ and Em, Luke and Penelope took another cab to go back to their apartments. She was silent and Luke didn’t know if it was a good idea to ask what was on her mind, he debated whether or not to start a conversation.

Before thinking it twice he started “So was it true?” Luke questioned and Penelope tilted her head.

“What do you mean?” Luke licked his lips.

“What JJ said about kids not being your thing” Penelope sighed and bit her lip, of course Luke had noticed her expression when she heard their friend saying this.

“She was referring to both of us, Luke” She tried to avoid answering his question.

“I know but in my case she’s wrong I would like kids” She looked at him with raised eyebrows and a smirk in her face.

“I didn’t know that, newbie” Luke shrugged “I honestly assumed you were the no kids kind of guy” 

“Are you kidding me? My mom would never forgive me if I never gave her grandchildren” Penelope laughed imagining Elena, Luke’s mom, lecturing him to give her grandchildren.

“So you’re doing it for your mom then?” 

“No, I really wanna be a dad, someday, a tiny human that’s half me, that would be great” She patted his shoulder.

“You’re right, that would be great” He looked at her expectantly “What?”

“What about you, Penelope? Would you like to have kids?” She pressed her lips together.

“Yes, I would love that” She admitted after a few seconds of being silent “The thing is I have no one, sometimes I think I should’ve said yes to Kevin when he proposed, I’d have children by now”

“You’re gonna find someone” She rolled her eyes “You will, you are gorgeous and an amazing woman” 

“Have you ever wondered if you’ve already met your person? You know, the one you’re gonna end up with?” Penelope questioned.

“No, I haven’t met my person, I know that much, but I will and so will you, Pen, you’ll see” He put his arm around her and she rested her head on his shoulder, starting to feel sleepy, they remained like that until they got home, said goodnight and went to sleep to their apartments.

Almost four months later, Luke and Penelope were hosting a baby shower for Matt and Kristy, it turned out that time they had cancelled dinner with them was because Kristy was having a hard time during the pregnancy.

Everyone was there, including friends they hadn’t seen in a while, all of them with their significant others: Spencer, Tara, Alex, Kate, David, Aaron and Elle.

At one point of the party, Penelope escaped from the conversations about marriage and kids, and she stood in a corner trying to go unnoticed, during the entire gathering Luke had kept an eye on her, since they were planning the party, he noticed the subject was still a sensitive for her.

“We did good” He said as he leaned against the wall.

Penelope looked around his place, everyone seemed to be having a good time “Yeah, I think it turned out pretty well” He offered his glass of wine, it was almost full “Thank you” 

“I’ve always known we were a dynamic duo” This earned him an eye roll from Penelope, he expected her to say something else but she remained quiet and so did he.

She took in the scene of her friends with their children, the look on their eyes were like nothing she had ever seen before, she knew these people from a very long time and there was always a huge difference between the before and after having kids.

“I want this” Penelope said out of the blue.

“Ok” Luke said unsure as to what she was referring, he thought about it for a second “I can plan a birthday party for you next year, Pen”

“Not a party, I want to have a baby” He didn’t know what to say to that but just in that moment JJ walked over to them with Emerson in her arms.

“This little one is looking for her fairy godmother” Emerson reached her arms to Penelope and she happily took the one year old in her arms.

“Did you, little Em?” She kissed her goddaughter’s head “I was missing you too” The baby babbled, content to be with her auntie.

“I’ll go grab some cake” JJ turned around and walked towards the kitchen and Kristy came to join the three of them.

“Thank you guys so much for this” She offered a warm smile “I promise you we’re done after this one” She announced while she rubbed her round belly.

“Oh don’t mind us, you have as many babies as you guys like” Luke joked and when they laughed, little Emerson joined them with a giggle.

“No, we’re definitely done, it’s your turn to find someone and start giving us nieces and nephews, right, Emerson?”

“I think this one will get a little sister or brother before we know it, Em and JJ are over the moon being moms” Penelope stated.

“I know” Kristy agreed “It’s been really touching seeing them in this new phase” 

“I hope someday you guys get to see me being a mom” The nostalgia was obvious in her voice.

“It’s gonna happen” Kristy assured her “And I can’t wait, Penelope” She smiled to her and then proceeded to go with her husband.

Seeing Penelope with Emerson and the rest of their friends’ children left him thinking, after the baby shower was over Penelope stayed to help him clean even when he told her to call it a night and go to  get some rest, but she refused, they spent the next couple hours tidying up the place, once they were done Luke offered to order takeout but she didn’t accept and went to her apartment.

Luke tried to get some sleep but he kept turning and tossing in his bed, his thoughts not letting him rest, he tried everything but ultimately failed, he looked at his alarm clock, it was almost 2:00 AM. Unable to get his idea out of his mind, he got up and walked towards the elevator, he needed to tell Penelope what was happening on his mind.

Once he got down to her floor, he stood outside her door for a few minutes thinking maybe it was too out of line to make her the proposition he was thinking about. He pressed his lips together and rubbed his palms in his pajama pants, trying to muster enough confidence to knock on her door.

  He sighed and knocked a couple times.

Luke tried a few more times, wanting to tell Penelope what he was thinking about, after all it was his best friend, if she didn’t accept, they could laugh it up and continue as if nothing happened. 

Penelope opened the door “What’s up, Luke?” She put on her glasses as her eyes adjusted to the light.

“Can I come in?”

“Yeah, what’s wrong?” Penelope yawned.

He stared at her and took a deep breath “I want a baby” Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“Are you… Drunk?” She questioned and he shook his head.

“I want to be a dad” He blurted. 

“Ok? Well I know everyone calls me the fairy godmother but it’s not like I can make a baby appear and give it to you”

“What if you could?” Luke objected.

Penelope let out a frustrated sigh “Are you high?”

“No, Penelope, you want to be a mom and I want to be a dad, we haven’t found our person but we’re best friends I thought maybe we could try this” 

“How would that even work? Luke, what the fuck?” 

“Look, there are different types of families, two best friends having a kid and then finding their person doesn’t sound too crazy to me” He insisted.

“Are you being serious right now?” Penelope wondered, trying to examine his face to see if he was messing with her.

“I am” He walked to her and took her hand “Think about it, we’re best friends, we have a baby and we split everything 50/50 costs, responsibilities, and it will be good because we’re not attracted to each other, we won’t get to have married couple fights and all the complicated part” He offered a small smile to his friend who looked at him open-mouthed trying to process everything he was saying.

“I need some time to think about it” Luke smiled when he heard those words and let go of her hand.

“Alright, that’s ok” He walked towards the door “Let me know what you decide on, you know where to find me” As he was about to leave, he turned around and quickly walked to her to hug her.

“Go to sleep, Alvez”

“Garcia-Alvez has a nice ring to it” He whispered in her ear before she swatted at his chest, he rushed to the door and closed it behind him, leaving Penelope standing there, shocked at his proposition but also thoughtful, she walked to her bedroom and snuggled once again in her bed, trying to regain her sleep before Luke came to disrupt her mind.

Penelope and Luke were busy with work for the next couple weeks, until one night she texted him if she could come up to see him, he instantly replied with a yes and Penelope was on her way with an answer to his proposition. She let herself in and walked to his living room, he was watching TV.

“Hello stranger” He patted the couch, inviting her to sit beside him.

She plopped next to him and Luke put his arm around her without taking his eyes from the screen “How’s… life?” 

“Good I guess?” He quickly shot her a look with an eyebrow raised “How about you?”

Penelope played with her hands “Did you mean what you said that other night?” Luke turned to her and took the remote control turning the TV off and giving her his undivided attention.

“About having a baby with you? Absolutely” His voice was firm and his face was serious.

“I’ve thought about it” She looked at him and he was waiting for an answer.

“And?” He questioned with raised eyebrows.

“Ok” Penelope stated in a whisper.

Luke smiled “Ok?”

“Ok” She returned the smile “You are right, there are different type of families and two friends having a kid doesn’t sound like the worst idea”

He leaned forward to her “Should we get to it? Like now?” Penelope jumped.

“No, not now but soon I guess, I’m not sure” She was suddenly self conscious, thinking that in an attempt to have a baby together, they’d need to have sex.

“We could do those fertility tests to know when you’re ovulating” Penelope looked surprised.

“How do you know about those?” She asked with amusement.

“What? Because I’m a guy I can’t know? Come on, Pen, I’m a modern men” She chuckled and looked at him waiting for the truth.

“Ok I saw it on a movie but I do want to know more about this, I plan on being there for you during the pregnancy, Lamaze classes and all”

“Alright, we can talk about all of that later, I’ll just go have dinner now” As she was about to get up, Luke took her hand.

“Don’t go, we can order something or I could cook something for you”

“Didn’t you already had dinner?” He nodded 

“But you can have dinner here, you don’t need to eat all by yourself”

“Alright I’ll go check your fridge, I’m sure there’s some leftover takeout I can eat” Penelope went to the kitchen and Luke started to look for something she could also enjoy on the TV, this was their routine, having dinner at each other’s apartments whenever they could, talking about life, family, dates they’ve been, adding a baby to their dynamic didn’t sound like the worst idea.

“We are having a baby” Penelope announced to their friends, Luke was a little bit terrified of Derek’s reaction to the news, Penelope and him were very close.

“So you’re finally together?” Savannah said with a smile on her face.

Derek who was sitting beside his wife started grinning, he knew this day would come “I’m happy for the both of you”

“Uhm, no, we’re not together, we’re just having a kid” Savannah’s and Derek’s face changed into frowns.

“Oh” Savannah said smiling again, trying not to show her confusion, she wanted to be supportive of her friends, especially Penelope, she was Derek’s best friend.

“So how far along are you, baby girl?” Derek wondered with a more serious expression.

“I’m not pregnant yet, we just decided to have a baby”

“It’s because we both want to be parents so w-we came up with this idea” Luke added.

“Well, that’s great, isn’t it, babe?” Savannah squeezed Derek’s knee for him to say something supportive.

“Yeah, yeah, it is” He tried his best to offer an honest smile “Hank would love to have another cousin, especially coming from his fairy godmother”

Penelope smiled at Luke reassuring him that everything was ok, he had expressed his concerns over Derek’s reaction but as close as Penelope and Derek were, this was her decision. 

Later that evening Penelope offered to help Derek to do the dishes and he was glad he would have a moment alone with her.

“Are you sure about this, baby girl? The whole having a baby with Luke thing?” She noted the worry in his voice, she finished drying the last plate.

“I am, it’s not like we are getting any younger” She shrugged and leaned on the kitchen counter, he shot her a concerned look “Hey, if you weren’t married I’d go to you for this” She joked nudging him with her elbow “Just imagine your DNA and mine, that kid would be something else” They both laughed.

“I can only imagine how that’d conversation would go” Derek commented while drying his hands.

“I actually can’t, I mean Luke was really the one that came up with the subject”

“Was he now?” He asked with an arched brow

“Stop it, it’s not like that” She rolled her eyes “We’re friends, that’s all we are and all we’re going to be”

Derek shook his head and let out a sigh “Alright, if you’re sure then just know you have us for support, questions, help, anything you need, sweetness, and I better be godfather”

Penelope got teary eyed, it was really important to her to count on Derek for this new adventure, he was her most precious friendship, so listening to him saying those words made her feel more at ease, she was sure of her decision but that didn’t mean she wasn’t terrified of the changes coming up.

Soon all of their friends heard the news from Penelope and Luke, Matt and Kristy were very supportive, mostly because in their eyes those two belonged together, they thought that maybe for them the baby had to come first then they’d realize how perfect they were for each other despite their differences. A contrast from Emily’s and JJ’s reaction, JJ had always been super protective of Penelope, and she thought this was a terrible idea where Penelope would end up being hurt, Luke was her friend as well and knew he wasn’t a bad guy but raising a kid with someone was complicated even when you were in a serious relationship with someone you were in love with, Emily wasn’t a fan of the idea either, someone was bound to get hurt and no matter who, their kid would have to pay the consequences, they didn’t explicitly voiced their concerns but neither did they applaud their decision.

Kirsty, JJ brought their kids at Savannah and Derek’s for a playdate, and it was only a matter of time before the subject was brought up.

“So what do you guys think about Pen and Luke’s plan?” JJ asked watching Hank helping Emerson to get the toys she wanted.

“Well I hope she gets pregnant soon, so their baby can be close to this little one in age” Kristy replied while rubbing her stomach.

“It’s gonna be interesting” Added Savannah while taking a sip of wine.

JJ squinted and looked at them “Don’t you think it’s crazy for them to go through it? Penelope is too sensitive, I’m not even sure she’s not feeling something for him already, what if she gets her heart broken?”

“It may not be ideal but…” Savannah shrugged her shoulder and pressed her lips “It’s their decision and I don’t think anything we say will change their minds”

“They want to be parents, they are planning this and seemed excited, I don’t think it’s the worst thing”

The blonde woman remained silent, she was still unsure it was the right choice but everyone seemed to be on board so she tried to be supportive of Luke and Penelope, hoping with all her heart they they’d prove her worries were silly and that they would make it work.

The day had finally come, they were trying tonight and Penelope was a bundle of nerves, Luke on the other hand was excited, lately his desire to be a father was getting stronger, all of his co-workers talked about their experiences in fatherhood and even though they shared both, the good and the bad, he was anxious to experience it firsthand.

“Alright I’m ready” Penelope announced as she entered his apartment in her mermaid nightie and fluffy robe with unicorn slippers, Luke smiled at the sight of her, soon with all the confidence she had mustered, Penelope straddled his waist.

“A ‘hello, how are you?’ would be nice” He joked and she lost all confidence, the blood traveled to her face and she stepped away from him but Luke took her hand and pulled her so she was sitting next to him “I’m kidding, it’s j-just I don’t know, I’m using humor to lighten up the mood”

“I’m mortified, Luke” She admitted with closed eyes “We’re having sex”

“It can’t be that bad, I know it won’t be bad” Penelope opened one eye.

“How could you know?” Luke shot her a smirk and a wink.

“If we’re comfortable enough to have a baby together then I’m comfortable enough to confess I’ve had some dreams”

Her eyes shot open “LUKE!” Penelope’s voice raised with surprise.

“That’s exactly how it sounded” He joked and if Penelope wasn’t red before she was now.

“Oh my God, stop, I don’t know if that makes me feel better or not” Luke laughed, not really understanding why she was so worried.

“Come on, chica, it’s gonna be alright” He placed a strand of her out of her face.

She sighed and sat up straighter “Ok, let’s do it”

Luke caressed her cheek “Are you sure?” 

Penelope swallowed and nodded, he went on to kiss her and after a few seconds she started laughing.

“Pen, this is not helping my confidence” He commented as he pulled away, Penelope rested her forehead on his.

“I’m sorry, it’s just, you know I laugh when I feel awkward” Luke softly placed his hands on her shoulders and got up.

He extended out his hand to her “Let’s go to the bedroom” Penelope looked hesitant “If you don’t feel like doing this today, we can do it some other day, it’s ok”

“No, I want to, it’s just… Weird” 

“So I shouldn’t have lit the candles or put a million rose petals on the bed then?” Penelope rolled her eyes, he was teasing her to that one time a guy had done that and it was a huge turn off for her.

“Shut up, shut up, shut up, I hate your mouth so much”

Luke loved to mess with her “I bet you a hundred bucks you won’t be saying that in a few”

“Fuck you, newbie” Penelope spat.

HIs hands signaled to himself “Be my guest” This time he saw the eye roll on her face accompanied with annoyment and he decided to stop his teasing “Alright, alright, look, I know you like fresh sheets and I even used that softener you like, let’s go to bed and… Do this”

“I need a minute” She went to the bathroom and Luke sat on the edge of the bed, waiting for her, he licked his lips, hoping she wasn’t regretting everything, soon Penelope came back and stood between his legs.

“Ok, shut up for real this time and let’s do this” She placed her hands on each side of his face.

“One baby coming up” Penelope facepalmed “... In nine months, th-” She kissed him in an attempt to shut him up for good, Luke immediately responded and placed his hands on her hips.

Once they were done, they remained on his bed, both were hopeful that everything was on their side so within the next couple months they could see a positive pregnancy test, Penelope’s awkwardness was all gone, she figured she was making a big deal of the whole thing, having sex with Luke wasn’t bad and she actually had enjoyed it more than she thought she would.

“Shouldn’t you lift your legs up or something?” Luke suggested.

He didn’t see her rolling her eyes “Is this another thing you saw in a movie?”

Luke turned to her “Maybe”

“Let’s go to sleep Luke” She turned to the other side and fell asleep easily.

That night Luke had another dream with Penelope, except this time, in his dream they were a family, they were even married and had twins, he woke up in the middle of the night thinking about it, he remembered the joy he felt in his dream and allowed himself to imagine how life would be if that scenario became a reality, after a few minutes he shook his head, Penelope was just his friend, there was no interest in being more than that from either side.

They decided to give it a few tries, to increase the chance for them to get pregnant, the next times weren’t awkward except for one time where Luke came in unannounced.

“Pen” He called for her entering her apartment “Chica, let’s get to baby making, there’s a game I really want to catch later” As he finished his sentence he reached Penelope’s living room only to find her sitting there having dinner with a guy, Luke’s eyes widened, she was going to kill him probably.

“Uhm, I think you already have plans for tonight” The guy said while getting to his feet.

“Wait, Joe, it’s-” Penelope didn’t know exactly what to say.

“No, no, it’s ok, I’ll go, it was nice meeting you” He hurriedly got his messenger bag and walked out of the apartment.

Luke immediately apologized “I should’ve knocked, sorry, I’m really sorry” Penelope waved him off.

“A mutual friend set us up, she insisted a lot and I ended up saying yes” She sighed “But right now, I’m not interested in dating, not when I’m trying to have a baby with my friend, so it’s ok” He still felt terrible so he decided to skip the game and stayed to have dinner with her.

“Pen” Luke squeezed her hand “Are you actually gonna take the tests or are you just gonna stare at them?” She looked at him.

“Maybe if I stare them long enough they’ll get some sort of vibes from me and show us if that week of trying worked or not” He smiled sympathetically, six weeks had passed since that week and Penelope avoided taking the pregnancy tests, even though her period had been late, she was scared of seeing the results, Luke was understanding and supportive, he had a good feeling but he put himself in Penelope’s shoes.

“Come on, let’s go” He took the bag of pregnancy tests he had bought and tried to guide her to the bathroom but she didn’t move an inch “It’ll all be ok”

“What if it’s not?” Penelope asked in a whisper.

“Then we’ll get through it, together” She felt tears coming to her eyes, she was terrified of the results, whatever they may be, she knew they would have an impact to her.

Luke was open to keep trying if the results were negative but he didn’t know what Penelope wanted so he wanted to know what the tests actually ended up showing before bringing up the conversation. A few minutes later, he was waiting outside the bathroom for her, he was starting to get worried, she was silent.

“Penelope, can I come in?” No response, that didn’t help his nerves “Ok, I’m coming in” When he entered, he saw her face filled with what he believed to be surprise.

She barely smiled “It’s positive, all of them are actually” Luke’s lips spread into a wide smile.

“I knew I had a good feeling about this” He hugged her and kissed her hair, they were going to be parents.

The next few months flew by, soon they were getting ready to welcome the little one, true to his word Luke had been with Penelope as much as he could, whenever he wasn’t at work he was beside her learning together, reading books, attending classes, building baby furniture, reading Penelope’s favorite children’s books to the baby, feeling the baby kick for the first time, discussing names, imagining how life would be once the baby arrived.

None of them had been really interested in meeting new people during the pregnancy, until Phil, Luke’s friend insisted on setting him up with a doctor, after much insistence Luke accepted, not without asking first Penelope for advice on whether he should go out with her or not.

“She sounds great, you should do it, it’s been an eternity since you’ve gone on a date” Penelope mentioned rubbing her belly “I miss listening to your disastrous dates stories, they are quite entertaining” Luke glared at her and handed her the ice cream pint she had asked for.

“Ha-ha, you’re very funny” He pursed his lips together “I think I’m gonna tell Phil yes”

Penelope winked at him while licking ice cream off her spoon “Great, I’ll help you choose a nice outfit”

A week later Luke was out with Lisa, Phil’s friend, she was really nice, easy to talk with and gorgeous, she didn’t seem to freak out entirely when he brought up that he was about to be a dad, he was actually enjoying the night, for a second he saw that she seemed distracted and looking behind him.

“I’m sorry, Luke” She cut him off “I think there’s someone trying to get your attention” His brows furrowed as he turned around to find Penelope carrying her hospital bag, this immediately made him panic as he rushed to her.

“Are you in labor?” He took her by the shoulders and examined her.

“Yes, my water broke” Luke was in shock for a second “An hour ago but it is until now that the contractions are getting frequent and…” She placed her hands on her shirt and clutched the fabric  “...Stronger” 

“Oh my God, you should’ve called me the minute it happened, let’s go” He tried to take her hand but she managed to remind him to give an explanation to the nice woman that looked at them with empathy in her eyes.

Soon they were settled in the hospital room, Penelope wasn’t ready to push yet but both her and the baby were doing fine.

“You were supposed to go into labor in two weeks” Luke was scared this was a sign something was wrong but after some tests, doctors and nurses assured them everything looked normal.

“I guess we already know newbie junior is antsy like daddy” 

“We don’t even know if the baby’s a boy”

“Oh newbie is gender neutral, I’ve been calling them this without actually thinking it’s a boy or a girl”

Luke smiled and started to push some strands of hair out of her face “You’re being a champion, Pen, you’re handling everything amazingly”

Penelope laughed as she took deep breaths “Oh, don’t be fooled newbie, I’m freaking out and I might pull one of those ‘what have you done to me? I hate you’ lines just like in the movies” 

“I’ll take it, chica, you can even punch me if you want, so I can experience at least a little bit of pain with you”

“I’ll keep that in mind” She joked.

Soon Penelope started to push and not even once she cursed at Luke, he held her hand, cleaned the sweat off her forehead and kept encouraging her to trust her body, Penelope was exhausted and sometimes she felt like she couldn’t go through it but then she remembered that after all the pain she would finally look her baby in the eyes and fall in love like she had never done before, she tried to remember everything she had learned from her doula, and within the hour she heard her baby’s cries.

Luke swore it was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard, while Penelope’s eyes focused on the baby who was being all cleaned up.

“Congratulations, it’s a boy” Doctor Kim said as she placed the newborn on his mother’s chest.

“Hello you” Penelope whispered with tears on her eyes, and Luke stood over her head watching his son “You couldn’t wait to meet us, little one” The small baby fuzzed.

“It’s alright, we couldn’t wait to meet you either” Luke said while seeing him open his eyes for a brief moment before he closed them and nuzzled to her mom’s chest.

“He’s here, Luke” She stated without taking her eyes off her boy “We did it”

The following morning, the new parents were still living in their own bubble with their son, he was healthy and so was Penelope.

“Ok so we agreed on Bowie, right?” Penelope tried to see if Luke would budge.

“No, sorry chica, we didn’t”

“Alright, Ziggy then” Luke laughed softly, she kept suggesting those ever since she got pregnant.

“Nope”

“Ok…” She tapped the baby’s little nose “David it is”

“What about Julian?” He suggested and Penelope felt in her heart that was perfect for him.

“Julian” She bit back the smile and thought about messing with him for a little “I guess we’ll go with your suggestion”

“Hey, I’m trying to-” Penelope finally looked up to him and smiled widely.

“I’m kidding, I love it, he looks like a Julian” His tiny lips turned up in what looked like a tiny smile “See? Jules agrees” She passed the tiny bundle to Luke and he happily held his son.

“Hello young Julian Garcia-Alvez, we love you more than you could ever imagine”

Later that day Derek and Savannah came to visit, they couldn’t wait one minute more to meet the new addition to their lives.

“Hello, hello” Savannah announced as she carefully opened the door and peeked her head “We’re here to meet the handsome boy”

“Ah! We were waiting to see you” Penelope was beaming at the thought of her found family meeting her boy “Come on in”

Derek entered eyeing the three of them, he was glad for her best friend, she had always wanted to be a mom and now she had finally become one.

“Look at that, my baby girl had a baby boy” Derek saw the tiny baby in Luke’s arms, he was familiar with the look on Luke’s face, it was one of pure love and adoration, the one he had for Hank when he had been born.

“Let me present to you to Julian Garcia”

Derek raised an eyebrow at Penelope “It’s Julian Garcia-Alvez but I guess Luke’s too lazy to say the full name”

Luke didn’t even seem to hear them mention his name, he was to absorbed in his son “I love the name, he’s gorgeous, congratulations guys” Savannah squeezed Penelope’s shoulder.

After a conversation about how Penelope had to interrupt Luke’s date and how was Julian’s birth, all while his auntie held little Jules, Savannah suggested Luke to go and get some tea and muffins, she wanted to give Derek and Penelope a moment so they could have a conversation of their own, ever since she had started dating Derek she knew him and Penelope shared a really special friendship and that sometimes they needed a moment just them alone to talk about life.

“We’ll be right back” Luke glanced at Penelope and Julian and smiled at them before closing the door behind him.

They remained silent for a few minutes as they only focused on Julian who was now wide awake.

“How are you feeling?” Derek asked softly.

“I feel like I’m in a dream” She admitted “I can’t believe this sweet little boy was given to me”

He placed his hand in the side of her face “I already know you’re gonna be the most amazing mom to Julian” Penelope leaned into his touch.

“Thank you for being there, both you and Savannah were the two people that were the most supportive, I’m still not sure JJ and Em are totally on board with this and Matt and Kristy they have five kids now so we don’t get to see them much but you and Savannah were always there for us”

“And we plan on continue being there for the three of you” Penelope couldn’t hold back her tears “May I?” She carefully handed Julian over to him.

“Can I confess something? I’m scared about how this is gonna go, I mean with Luke, how we’re gonna make this dynamic work”

“Baby girl, are you sure you don’t have feelings for him?” Penelope smiled.

“I love the guy, I mean he’s the father of my baby but no, there’s no feelings there” She was being honest but still Derek felt uneasy, thinking the situation could change and Penelope would end with a broken heart. 

“Ok, well I’m sure you will make it work, maybe it won’t be easy but both of you are very determined and at the end of the day it’s this little guy you’ll be doing everything for so I’m sure you’ll be ok”

“Oh, chocolate thunder, you always know what to say” Penelope stated seeing Derek smiling at Julian “I wanted to ask you something, well, Luke and I did” 

“Anything”

“We were wondering if Savannah and you would like to be Jules’ godparents?”

“Oh, Penelope, I would’ve disowned you if you hadn’t asked, of course, we would be honored to be his godparents” 

“I love you, Derek Morgan” She reached out for his hand.

He looked at her and squeezed her hand “And I love you Penelope Garcia” He looked down at his new godson “I love you too Julian”

That day after Derek and Savannah, Luke’s family, and the rest of their friends had visited them to meet Julian.

Penelope came out of Julian’s room, she had put him down to sleep, already knowing he was going to wake up in a few hours, three months had already come and gone, neither could believe how fast time was passing by, they had adjusted quite nicely.

“Ok, I have some more things I need you to store in your apartment” She signaled some things next to the door, they were some coats, a pair of skis, shoe boxes, even her ukulele was being forgotten at the moment and since it was taking space it had to be stored on Luke’s place, they had been doing that ever since they’ve brought Julian home.

“Have I ever told you you own way to many shoes?” Luke commented rubbing his eyes.

“All the time” She smiled “I still don’t care”

“Alright, I’ll take them now and don’t worry about waking up later, I’ll come down to feed him” She raised an eyebrow.

“Are you sure?” 

“Of course, it’s around 2 when he wakes up, right?” Luckily for them, Julian was the greatest baby, he easily fell into routine, he woke up around the same time each night, so Luke had alarms and he came down so it wasn’t only Penelope waking up at night.

“Yeah”

“Ok, goodnight”

For Luke it felt as if he had just closed his eyes when the alarm went off, he quickly got up and went to Penelope’s place, he opened the fridge to find the different bottles, each of them were labeled:

One glass of wine.

Couple of Margaritas.

Pure.

Stressful day.

Pure.

He snorted and grabbed one of the bottles labeled as ‘pure’ and proceeded to warm it, he didn’t hear any crying when he came in so he assumed Julian had yet to wake up demanding to be fed, a few minutes later the three month old woke up and Luke was ready to feed him, he sat in the rocking chair with the baby to his chest, once Julian was done with the bottle, he burped him and sat a little bit more with him, he loved those moments were he could hold his son and sing the lullabies his mom and grandma used to sing to him when he was a kid.

He was loving being a dad and co-parenting with Penelope, he practically lived there, he would leave only at night but even then, he’d come back and sometimes would end up crashing at the couch waking up at Penelope’s. Luke placed Julian on his crib and left the room, as he walked out of the room he saw a photo of the three of them in the hallway and smiled, everything felt right.

Luke hurried through the stairs, he was coming home from work and Penelope was calling him nonstop to get home, he didn’t wait for the elevator and took the stairs, once he opened the door, he was met by a crying Julian and a crying Penelope.

“I’ve done everything and he won’t stop crying, he hates me, Luke” She said through her sobs.

Luke felt bad for Penelope, she was more sensitive than usual, the hormones were to blame, he went to them and took Julian in his arms.

“I’m his mom and he already hates me” She cleaned her tears off her face.

Luke started to sway him from side to side “He can’t hate you now, wait until he’s sixteen”

“LUKE!” Soon Julian stopped crying in Luke’s arms “How the fuck did you do that?” She asked in surprise.

“Oh, I don’t know I guess he loves me but he hates you” He saw the tears on her eyes “I’m kidding, I’m kidding”

Penelope sighed and sat on the couch “I’m returning to work soon and we don’t have a nanny yet”

“I know, I asked around some of my coworkers and they recommended me some agency” She smiled.

“That’s great, but we need to be clear on something” He looked at her with a frown “You can’t fuck the nanny”

“Penelope! I wasn’t planning on doing that”

“Ok, just saying, newbie”

By the end of the week they had hired Max to be Julian’s nanny, Penelope was faced with another challenge, learning how to manage going to work and being a mom, soon she discovered it was hard but she could handle it, she missed going to work, seeing her co-workers and having an excuse to actually put on some decent clothes and makeup.

 Matt, Kristy, JJ, Emily and their six children were visiting Luke, Penelope and Julian, they hadn’t seen them since the hospital, they were curious to see how ‘the experiment’ as Emily called it was going.

“I’m not gonna lie, I think the reason they didn’t invite us over sooner it’s because they’re having a hard time adjusting” Emily spoke up.

“You think? I don’t know” Matt replied.

“I mean it wouldn’t be a surprise, becoming a parent it’s not easy” Kristy added to Emily’s comment.

“We’re about to see” JJ said as they all stepped out of the elevator, it took five seconds for Penelope and Luke receive them, he had Julian on a baby carrier close to his chest.

“Hello!” They said in unison, after a round of hugs and greetings, they went to the living room.

“Please, get yourselves some drinks, I made some tapas, I’ll go get them” Penelope announced and JJ joined her in the kitchen.

“Hey, everything looks great” She meant it.

“Thanks, we manage to keep everything in place but Jules is about to start crawling so next time you won’t find a tidy place” Penelope laughed.

JJ frowned “Is Luke living here?” 

“No, well, kind of, he spends a lot of time with Jules” She shrugged it off, it wasn’t a big deal for them.

“Penelope…” JJ sighed “What’s this that you have going on?” Penelope rolled her eyes at her words, it wasn’t the first time she questioned it and certainly wouldn’t be the last.

“We’re raising a baby, he stays over, sue me” JJ’s eyes widened “No, he stays over but nothing happens, I’m not attracted to him and he’s not attracted to me, it’s all fine” 

“Ok, then it’s time for you to get yourself out there again”

“Actually I’ve been thinking about it”

“Say no more” Her friend winked at her and Penelope just went long with it, JJ said about a co-worker of hers that sounded dreamy. Once they returned with some appetizers, everyone was settled, Luke had taken the older kids to the other room where they put on a movie for them and gave them some sandwiches and toys so they could be entertained.

“It looks like you’re doing amazing, man” Matt said as he placed Rose on the ground, she was eager to follow Emerson,

“Yeah, it is, Pen and I are convinced we got very lucky with Julian, he’s great”

“Wait until he starts walking” Emily commented while she watched Emerson closely, she was walking around the adults, observing what she could grab, unfortunately for her, the apartment was childproof so there was nothing she could really play with other than Julian’s toys and her own.

“I know I told Luke that by then I’m sure I’ll have to give up my high heels” Penelope said while sitting down next to him and absentmindedly resting her hand in Luke’s thigh “Can you imagine me running around a kid in five inch heels?” They all laughed and Luke placed an arm around her, everyone could see the look on his face as Penelope continued talking, Matt and Kristy shared a knowing look and JJ was just starting to think Penelope was lying about “nothing going on”.

The rest of their visit went by quite quickly, all of them enjoying their time together, at some point, Penelope realizes it’s their first time her and Luke can relate to the parenting experiences and struggles, even though Derek, Savannah and Hank couldn’t make it, her heart fills with joys as she sees most of her found family together.

“You’re almost there, buddy” Luke was sitting on the floor, multitasking, he folded laundry and watched Julian as he tried to stand using Luke’s arm as support.

“Breakfast is ready for my favorite guys” Penelope announced carrying two plates “Here, put these on the coffee table, I’ll go get Jules’ plate” She leaned down to carry him “Come on little guy, let’s get those hands clean”

While Luke and Penelope both sat on the floor, Julian used the coffee table for support and finally managed to stand up and grab some of his breakfast, he was a good eater, they stared at him, amazed by the little boy who owned their hearts.

“Can you believe he’s almost nine months? He’s getting so big” She sighed nostalgically.

“I know, I feel like in no time he’ll be going to preschool” Luke added as he took a bite of his own breakfast.

“Don’t even start” Jules looked up to his mom “Yeah, baby, what if we slow down a little with this whole growing up so fast? Can you do that for mommy?” Luke was also looking at Penelope, he was thinking about how wonderful the last year and a half of his life had been, since finding out about the pregnancy to that very moment, he felt extremely content to have Julian and Penelope in his life.

“Ma!” He exclaimed and went back to grab a fistful of scrambled eggs.

Luke smiled at his son then he turned to Penelope “You know? I don’t think it’s been that hard, all of this”

“Right?” She took a sip of juice “I feel the same, we make a good team, newbie”  Just as Luke was about to say something else, Penelope’s phone dinged, she quickly took it and smiled at the screen, he remained silent and took Julian and sat him between his legs and put his plate in front of him so he could continue eating his breakfast.

“You’re done, Julian” He said to his son as the baby looked up to him with wide eyes “Yeah, it’s gone, it’s all in your tummy now, come on, let’s get you changed”

“Oh, I can change him, don’t worry” Penelope took her eyes off her phone.

“Alright, I’ll go wash these” He said as he took the dishes into the kitchen, trying to think who was Penelope texting.

A very happy Penelope entered the kitchen carrying a very happy Julian, they went to stand beside Luke as he finished drying the plates.

“You’re in a good mood” Luke stated trying to seem nonchalant.

Penelope couldn’t hold back the smirk “I am, I need to tell you something” She sat Julian in the kitchen counter “I’m going out with someone tonight”

Luke wasn’t sure why he felt a stinging sensation in his heart “Oh” He couldn’t think of something else to say.

Her smile soon changed into a frown “Is that ok? I thought this was my free night, but if you’ve got plans I can- “ Luke interrupted her.

“No, no, no, no plans at all” He tried his best to fake smile “It’s great, I’m happy for you, who’s the lucky guy?”

“His name is Sam, JJ set us up, we’ve been texting these past couple weeks and we decided to go out today”

“Great” Luke said without looking at her nor sounding very cheerful but Penelope failed to notice that.

Later that evening Penelope was a nervous wreck, she had facetimed JJ and Emily to voice her concerns about going on a date, she felt like she didn’t even remembered how to go on a first date, she remained sat on her bed, with her robe on, looking at the outfit her friends had helped her choosing, she thought about calling Derek, he was great at helping her when she wasn’t feeling her best self, as Luke passed her bedroom after putting Julian to bed, he stopped and saw that she didn’t have the happy look she had that morning.

He opened the door a little bit more and peeked at her “Hey, how is getting ready going? Everything good? Did he cancel?”

Penelope quickly looked up “No, it’s just that I’m nervous” As soon as she said she felt a little embarrassed “That’s stupid, isn’t it? Oh God” Luke entered and sat beside her and took her hand.

“Not at all, it’s normal to be nervous before going on a first date, but I’m sure you’ll be fine, from what I gathered he’s a great guy”

Her eyebrows raised “Did you eavesdropped my conversation with the girls?”

“Pen, you were literally sitting across Julian and I”

“Oh, that’s true, sorry, I was a little distracted then” She confessed running her hands through her hair.

“Should I prepare some tea for you and your nerves?” He suggested, not liking to see her stressed and thinking she shouldn’t be worrying, it was impossible she wouldn’t blow the guy’s mind, she was a catch.

Penelope placed one hand on the side of his face “Luke, that would be wonderful, you are a gift” 

“Alright, you continue getting ready and I’ll bring your tea in a moment” Just as he was about to leave, Penelope called him “Yeah?”

“Nevermind” She sighed and stood up to start doing her hair.

“Penelope? Come on, you can tell me anything” He leaned in the door frame, waiting for her to say something, instead she turned around and opened her robe, she was in her underwear.

“Do you think my body is ready to, you know, get out there?” Luke ignored the sensations the image in front of him caused to his body and walked to her, putting his hands on either side of her face.

“You are beautiful, Penelope, don’t ever think you’re not, you could’ve gone out on a date the next month after having Julian for all I know” She blushed and looked down “I mean it, you are the whole package, you’re smart, kind, witty, and sexy as hell so stop doubting yourself and if for some reason this guy doesn’t seem to be into you, then we’ll tell JJ, her friend is out of his mind” He kissed her hair.

“You really have a way with words, Alvez” She managed to look up and smiled “We need to find you someone as well” He pressed his lips together and that’s when he knew he didn’t want someone else, he wanted Penelope.

As he prepared her tea, he sat on a stool and tried to think when his feelings for her had changed, he was sure he didn’t feel that way before, or maybe he was but didn’t realize? He was so deep in his thoughts he didn’t listen the kettle whistling, he rushed to it so it wouldn’t wake Julian up but he was late, he went to get him and later appeared in Penelope’s room with Jules attached to his hip and nuzzled in his neck in one arm and a mug in the other.

“Here you go” He said placing it on her vanity. 

“Oh thanks” She glanced at him through the mirror “And thanks for getting him, I can’t exactly stand up fast and move freely with these attached to my boobs” She laughed.

“It’s ok”

“Isn’t this sexy?” She joked “Hair curlers on my head, makeup half done and pumping breast milk” Penelope laughed, she felt much more relaxed after Luke’s words.

He managed to smirk, it was an amusing image but in that moment it was also a beautiful one to him, even though in some part of his heart he felt it was wrong seeing her getting ready to go out with someone else.

“Your mom doesn’t believe what I tell her, Jules, please don’t be like her when you grow up” Penelope swatted his stomach.

“Hey! Don’t put my baby against me” She reached to Julian and Luke got him closer to Pen “Go to sleep, my sweet boy, I love you” The sleepy baby barely registered his mom kissing his forehead.

Luke put Julian to sleep and half an hour later saw Penelope walk out the door, he tried to watch TV but got distracted every few minutes by his thoughts who were set on Penelope and how her date was going, he glanced at the clock every frequently and even at the door, hoping to see her come in and say she wasn’t going out anymore because she had realized it was him she wanted to be with.

He leaned back on the couch “Stop, Alvez” He said to himself, he thought about calling Matt but it was kinda late, so he decided against it, after what it seemed like an eternity, Penelope walked through the door, she quickly took off her shoes and coat, she didn’t see Luke until he spoke.

“Hey, how was it?” He said rubbing his eyes.

“Oh, sorry I didn’t mean to wake you”

 “It’s ok, I wasn’t sleeping well anyway, so did you have a good time?” Penelope smiled widely and nodded.

“JJ was right, he’s amazing, I-I think he could be the one, and I know it sounds precipitated to say that but...” Luke felt his heart break and couldn’t even focus on what she was saying, he felt his world starting to crumble down “Luke? Are you hearing what I’m saying?”

He snapped out of it “Yeah, yeah, I’m glad, Pen, uhm I guess we won’t have to complain to JJ about it” He rubbed his palms against his jeans and got up “I’m gonna call it a night, I’m gonna go up, ok? I’ll see you guys tomorrow”

“Ok, have a good night” She replied with the smile that had never left her lips since her date started, she really felt a connection with Sam.

A few weeks passed by and Luke called Matt to ask him if he wanted to go shoot some hoops with him, Matt found the urgency in his voice odd and was sure it was a bad sign, he agreed and met him at the basketball courts they frequented. As they started, Luke tried to tell him how he had felt ever since Penelope had started seeing Sam, he was going around about other things without saying what he actually meant.

At one moment when Luke tried to take the ball from Matt, he abruptly stopped and went to the bench signaling Luke to go with him.

“So you have feelings for Penelope” It was a statement not a question.

“That’s not what I-” Matt rolled his eyes.

“Cut the bullshit, Luke, I wasn’t asking, I know for a fact you do, it was bound to happen and that time we all went to your house, you looked at her the way I look at Kristy, the way Derek looks at Savannah”

“You should’ve told me then, maybe then she wouldn’t have gone out with mr. Wonderful”

“Hey, it wasn’t up to me to get your stubborn ass to come to terms with your feelings, it was something you had to figure out on your own, unfortunately you did until you saw her with someone else” He drank water as Luke sat beside him running his hands through his hair.

“Should I talk to Derek? Ask him some advice?” Matt snapped his head at him.

“About what? Winning her over? I hate to say this but if she’s happy with this Sam guy, you shouldn’t interfere” Luke looked at him feeling almost betrayed “Dude, I know she’s feeling very happy, she’s talked to Kristy and she seems hopeful to see where it leads”

Luke sat with his head in his hands, not liking what he was hearing but knowing Matt was right, Luke himself had witnessed Penelope’s new happiness and excitement over the relationship “Why do I have to be so fucking stupid? Imagine if I had known before, maybe it would’ve been us in a relationship” Matt patted his shoulder.

“Hey, their relationship is fairly new, no one knows, maybe they’ll be done in a few months and you’ll have your chance, don’t lose all hope but don’t interfere”

He sit up “I guess you’re right”

“You should try and find someone as well, give it a try and see where it goes”

“Yeah, maybe I will, I don’t know” Matt got up.

“Alright, let’s resume the game ‘cause I’m beating your ass, Alvez” Luke rolled his eyes and followed his friend.

A few days later, after getting some groceries Luke had encountered with Lisa, the woman he was on a date with the day Penelope had gone into labor, he remembered how nice she was and they agreed on meeting again sometime, soon after that they were dating and although he knew he still had feelings for Penelope, she was very happy with Sam, he had met him and he hated the fact that there wasn’t much to dislike about him. He was amazing to Penelope and Julian, he was attentive, very respectful, kind, and the list went on, Luke was starting to come to terms that maybe Penelope and Sam were going to become permanent at some point and it did hurt him to think about it, but then he remembered he had Lisa, who was also an incredible person that was very understanding of his co-parenting situation.

It was almost New Year’s and the entire gang were going to a cabin to spend it together, it was the first trip since Julian was born and Penelope and Luke brought significant others, everyone was excited to spend the holiday together.

Penelope was packing her suitcase for the trip, Luke had packed Julian’s the day before so she only had to worry about her stuff, she remembered Luke had her skis and went up to ask him if he could take them in his car. As the door opened she was met with a smiling Lisa, the one year old in Penelope’s arms squealed happily.

“Isa!” He extended his arms to her and Lisa looked at Penelope to which the blonde nodded and allowed Julian to go with her before asking to be down.

“Pen! You’re here, are you ready?” Luke greeted her.

Penelope swallowed unable to get her eyes off Lisa who was helping Julian to walk “Uhm yeah, almost ready, I was wondering if you could take my skis?”

“Sure thing, I already loaded them in the car”

“Alright, we’ll get going” Penelope announced wanting to have his son back in her arms.

“Hey, if you want we can take Jules” Luke suggested and before Penelope could say anything Lisa spoke.

“Oh, absolutely, we could do that” Penelope gave them a tight lipped smile and clasped her hands together.

“Alright if you want to, it’s alright, I mean, if you’re sure”

“Of course, he’s the sweetest boy, aren’t you Jules?” Julian hugged Lisa’s leg and Penelope felt something she didn’t know how to label.

“Ok then, I’ll see you guys later”

“Wait Pen, I’ll go down with you to get Jules’ stuff” Luke walked with her to the elevator and for the first time in years, there was an awkward silence, at least that’s how it felt to Penelope whereas to Luke was just a normal silence.

“Is it okay that Julian goes with us, right?” He turned to her.

“Oh, yeah, totally” She mirrored his actions.

“I’m really looking forward to this trip, it’s the first time JJ, Em, Derek and Savannah are gonna meet Lisa” Penelope shot him her best forced smile and nodded.

Luke was in fact, telling the truth, his relationship was in a good place, he felt hopeful about a future with Lisa, she was very clear by telling him that she was looking for something serious and it came as a surprise to him when he found himself telling Lisa, he was also expecting to be with someone for the long run and that they should work towards a relationship of that kind, he was finally moving on from Penelope.

Or so he thought.

The cabin they rented was beautiful, it was big but cozy at the same time, everyone, adults and kids, were excited to be spending the next few days there, getting to know Sam and Lisa a little bit more since everything indicated they could eventually be more present in their lives. Matt and Kristy entered carrying, what it seemed like twenty bags, followed by their five kids, David holding little Rose’s hand who was excited to be walking in the house.

“The Simmonses have arrived” Derek yelled as he walked over to them to help with their stuff.

“We have and we are ready for the kids to be with their uncles and aunts while mom and dad rest” Kristy joked placing the bags on the floor.

“You definitely deserve some relax time, you guys are saints” JJ said hugging the kids.

“Where are the others?” Mat asked.

“We’re here!” Penelope announced appearing from the kitchen walking hand in hand with Sam “I’d like you to meet Sam”

“Oh we’ve heard great things about you, it’s great to finally meet you, I’m Matt, this is Kristy, and these are Jake, David, Lily, Chloe and Rose” Sam shook hands with the married couple and high fived the kids.

“Nice to meet you all, I was looking forward to finally see you, I have two boys myself that are actually your age I think” He said to Jake and David “So if you want to play something maybe I can join you” Both kids eagerly nodded.

The next couple days, almost everyone seemed to be having a great time, except for Emily and JJ, they seemed a little bit off but no one dared to ask why, it was only at moments they would be quiet than usual and seemed to be a little bit out of it, they tried to put pieces together but no one seemed to have a clear idea of what was going on, they didn’t look distanced from each other nor from Emerson, so they tried to not interfere.

“Oh, I’m happy to see you’re feeling better, babe, are you joining us for breakfast?” Penelope said to Savannah who had missed previous breakfasts.

“Yes, I’ll be down in a minute” She replied while tapping Julian’s nose.

Penelope went down and found Sam helping the kids with their breakfasts, it was a funny and sweet sight, Jake, David, Chloe, Lily and Hank gathered around him as he placed pancakes on all of their plates.

“Look at you JJ, you finally got it right with Sam” Kristy teased her, JJ had the worst record setting up Penelope and it was a never ending joke between the group of friends.

The blonde woman rolled her eyes and smirked “If you ever decide to have a kid, Pen, I must be the godmother” She half joked.

“I don’t know, maybe eventually” Both Kristy and JJ snapped their heads at her “What? I think this is going somewhere, he has two kids, I have one but I don’t know”

“I can’t believe there’s something you don’t know, Pen” Luke’s voice made them turn around to see him walking from the hallway, having listened only the last part of what Penelope was saying “Good morning ladies, I made some coffee if you want”

“Thanks Luke, where’s Lisa?” Kristy questioned.

“Oh, she’s getting ready for the day, she’ll be out in a few”

Once they were all sitting in the large dining table, Derek called their attention, both him and Savannah had big smiles on their faces.

“We would like to tell you that next year we’ll need a bigger cabin” Savannah taking her husband’s hand.

Derek continued “There’s going to be not one, but two new Morgans causing trouble” The entire group erupted in cheers and congratulations, JJ’s eyes went immediately to her wife, she knew her and knew that it took everything in Emily to smile, they were going through some stuff.

Part of the group had decided to go skiing while the others preferred to stay at the cabin and drink some hot chocolate, Matt, Derek and Luke walked a few feet behind Sam, Lisa and JJ.

“So Morgan’s party of five? How are you holding up?” Matt asked Derek, he remembered the surprise, nervousness and excitement that came when receiving the news he was going to have twins.

“Oh man, I can’t believe it, I still am processing all of it, Hank’s four so I’m not even sure I remember exactly how life with a newborn is, let alone two” All along Luke and Matt noticed how his features softened.

“I bet you and Savannah will get the hang of it” Luke assured him.

“You know we got you guys, so anything we can help with, I’m sure there’s some stuff we have that we don’t use anymore but it’s in great shape that you could use” Matt added and Derek felt thankful for them, all of them.

“Now that I have a son maybe you’ll finally trust me to babysit” 

“I’m not sure, we’ll see, we’ll see” Derek teased him and Luke scoffed.

“I vouch for him, Derek, I’m actually sort of proud of you, dude” Matt turned to Luke “It’s really warming to see you with Julian”

“I gotta agree with that, I was just messing with you Luke, what Matt is saying it’s true, I’ve loved to witness both you and baby girl, as parents to Jules”

“Thanks guys, it means a lot to have your support and to have you as a part of Julian’s life” Luke spoke from his heart but he also needed to point something out “Not to end the soft moment here, but did you see Sam’s face the other night when you called Penelope ‘baby girl’?”

“Oh I did, it took everything in me not to burst into laughter, Kristy actually kicked me in the shin beneath the table” Luke laughed.

“Honestly I’m so used to it that I didn’t notice but Savannah did and she told me to do something about it but Penelope assured me that she had explained everything to him and that he seemed fine with it, but I’ve toned it down a lot, I don’t know, I think this could be it for Penelope you know?” Luke swallowed, he had thought about it but wasn’t sure what to make of it.

Matt spoke up “They seem to be very serious, I like him”

“I guess I do too?” Derek shrugged, his mind remembering how just a few months ago he was convinced Luke was the one for Penelope, Luke and Matt eyed him curiously and that made him rephrase his words “I-I do like him, it’s just I’m super protective of her but he makes her happy so yeah” Luke refrained from offering his thoughts on Penelope’s relationship, he wasn’t sure what he made of it, how he felt, just then Lisa called out for him and he remembered he had an amazing woman in his life.

It was finally New Year’s Eve, the kids were all asleep and the adults were planning on enjoying dinner and drinks together, they were halfway through their dinner when Sam brought up an interesting subject.

“I have to say, I’ve been curious how did you come up with the idea of having a child together? Whose idea was it?” He wondered genuinely interested in listening the story.

“I… Don’t remember” Penelope tried to shrug it off, not wanting to discuss that in front of everyone.

“It was me actually, I had the idea, she had talked to me about wanting to be a mom and I wanted to be a dad and next thing we know we had Jules” Luke replied nonchalantly.

“The truth is he wanted this genepool for his kid, I mean, can you blame him?” Penelope joked while signaling herself.

“And have you thought what exactly are you gonna tell him when he’s older? About his parents being with other people” Lisa inquiried, her tone wasn’t rude at all.

The rest listened and focused on their plates, that was until a tipsy Emily decided to jump in the conversation.

“Oh, I want to listen to this, I bet they didn’t think about it”

“Well we might have talked about it once or twice but didn’t came up with a plan exactly” Penelope replied nervously, thinking it wasn’t any of their business, except Luke and hers.

“I’m sure you’ll do great, at least you were always aware that you were going to have the conversation, I never believed I had to until I got divorced” Sam interjected, regretting bringing up the subject.

“No, but that actually makes more sense to me, I mean why you decide that you’ll bring a child into a world with someone you don’t love” The alcohol started to make Emily talk way more than she intended to

JJ tried to stop her, she took her hand “Babe, stop” Emily shook her hand and ignored her suggestion.

“You were in love with your wife I assume, I understand shit happens, people get divorced all the time and have to talk about this with their kids but doing it deliberately? I can’t fucking understand it”

Luke cleared his throat “Em, with all due respect, that’s how you think but-” Emily cut him off.

“No, not only me, everyone on this table believed you were crazy for doing this” She slurred “We all thought having a kid with someone you don’t love wasn’t the brightest idea”

Penelope who had remained silent, couldn’t hold it anymore and started to speak “Ok Emily but how are you so sure we don’t love each other? I’ve known Luke for more than half of my life, he’s one of my closest friends” She took a deep breath trying not to raise her voice and continued “He has been there through the good and the bad more than any of you have, sure it’s because we’ve been practically neighbors for years but that doesn’t make it less valid, I know pretty much anything there is to know about him and I love him for who he is, I know why when we first met him he was kind of a loner, I know he’s not a great cook but he does a mean lasagna, I know he’s loyal and honest and has one of the kindest hearts ever, we have the same values, we have the same sense of humor, I know his position on just about everything and I wholeheartedly agree with him, what better man could I have possibly chose to be the father of my son? Huh? So please refrain from giving your opinion on something that’s not your business at all, Em” Luke seemed to be at loss of words, many different emotions were going through his heart, for a second he forgot why was Penelope telling all of this, because of Emily, and everyone else seemed to fade into the background, he wasn’t moving on with his life, he was deeply in love with Penelope Garcia.

“Well-” Penelope cut Savannah off

“And I know, I just know that no matter what happens in a year or two or ten, we’ll be fine, because we love each other” She finished feeling how her pulse had quickened.

Emily snorted “Alright if you say so, but let me tell you something, you seem fine now but life gets complicated, friends” She addressed the entire gang “You don’t know it yet but it does” She rushed to their bedroom and JJ goes after her not before muttering apologies to Penelope, Luke and the rest of their friends, everyone is uncomfortable and confused by Emily’s outburst.

Penelope is excited to see everyone and celebrate Luke’s birthday together, she’s rushes out of the cab to the restaurant, only to find Luke in the waiting area of the restaurant.

“Hi, happy birthday” Luke hugged her “Where’s everybody? I thought I was going to be the last one here?” She breathed out.

“Oh, it’s just us tonight” Penelope frowned but didn’t say a thing “Julian seemed really happy to be with his grandma” Luke tried to change the subject so she wouldn’t question him. 

“Aw, he does love her, how’s your mom?” He took the chair out for her and then proceeded to take his sit.

“She’s doing alright, she asked me to say hi to you” He passed the message, knowing his mom wouldn’t forgive him if he forgot to do so.

“I should go and visit Elena one of these days, talking to her always lifts my spirits”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

“Yeah, I’m sure she’d be thrilled to see you, she loves you, Pen” He leaned against the table and took her hand in his.

“She’s the sweetest, really” She adjusted her glasses and opened the menu “And where’s Lisa?” 

“No Lisa tonight, she’s on duty” He lied, rubbing his beard. 

Penelope pouted “Oh, I’m sorry, Luke” When he saw her sympathetic look he decided to cut the act.

“Don’t be, because it’s actually not true” Her face filled with confusion.

“Oh no, what happened?”

“Nothing, everything was great, she’s great” Luke looked down and felt it coming.

“Then what’s wrong?” Penelope asked with a furrowed eyebrows.

“Nothing’s wrong, I’m sure my mom would’ve loved her but…” He looked in her eyes and once again grabbed her hand “All I do when I’m with her is think about you and only you” Penelope mouth fell open, she felt the air removed from her lungs “I didn’t want her here tonight nor anyone really, I broke things off with her, I wanted my family with me and I realized you are my family” His voice broke “You and Julian are everything I need to get through life” The moment Penelope realized there were tears on his eyes, her own vision became blurry, she moved her chair to be next to him and leaned her head in his shoulder. 

Next thing she knew Luke was lifting her chin and searching for her lips, she pulled away even before their lips touched “Luke, I’m with Sam”

“Oh, yeah, sorry I should allow you to talk to him before-” Penelope closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

“We’re moving in together” Luke forgot how to breathe for a moment “I met his kids a few months ago and we’ve been talking about taking the next step ever since and we found a great place, I’m sorry, Luke”

He looked confused “But what about all you said that time Emily questioned us?”

Penelope look dumbfounded “I-I, it wasn’t a lie, I meant everything that I said, I love you but I-I’m not-” She took the hair out of her face “I love you so much as a friend, I thought we were on the same page, I don’t know what-” Luke let her go and got up, he needed to get out of there “Luke, wait” Before Penelope could walk to him, he was gone, and she was left there not knowing what to do of his confession.

The truth was her and Sam were in a great place, they were looking forward to start a life together, they had even discussed marriage, Julian loved him, she loved Taylor and Benji, Sam’s kids, everything seemed to fall into place with him.

The next months after that, Luke and Penelope barely spoke unless it was regarding Julian, the times where they would just spend weekends together with their son were long gone, Julian still spent a lot of time with his parents just separately, Penelope was starting to pack their stuff, she felt terrible and she wanted Luke to lash out at her, to tell her off, yell at her for taking Julian to another house, instead all Luke ever did was remain distant, she couldn’t blame him but she missed her best friend.

Penelope sighed “What’s going on in that beautiful mind of yours?” Derek said, he had offered to help her packing the last stuff before she was out of the apartment.

“Do you think I’m making a mistake by moving in with Sam?” He frowned, not knowing exactly where that was coming from, she had seemed when she told him and Savannah the news.

“I think you should do what makes you happy, if-” Penelope didn’t let him finish his sentence.

“Do you think I should’ve given Luke and I a chance?” Derek’s eyebrows raised, he was surprised at her question.

“Why are you asking this?” Penelope bit her lip and then sat down on the floor, since there was no couch or chairs left, and proceeded to tell him what had happened a few months ago, as Derek listened he didn’t have it in him to be surprised by Luke’s feelings nor Penelope’s second guessing her decision.

“Look, baby girl” He started as he cleaned the tears falling on her cheeks “I still think you should do what makes you happy, and follow your heart, you shouldn’t do something because you feel obligated to, you know? Moving in with Sam because you already leased the house or give Luke a chance because he’s the father of your son” Derek wrapped an arm around her “There’s nothing more I want than to see you happy, whether is with Sam, Luke, only you and Jules, look, even if you wanna go back to what’s-his-name let’s go live in a farm guy?” She laughed through the tears “I want you to be happy and I’ll be there for you, ok?”

“Ok” She managed to say “Kevin, he was the one that wanted me us to go and live in a farm”

“Alright, well if you wanna go live in a farm I’m sure Julian will love all the free space to run around” They laughed and Derek kissed her forehead, hoping she’d follow his advice and go with whatever made her truly happy.

Penelope was meeting Emily for drinks, she entered the bar to see Emily already sitting there, she greeted her and they started to catch up, it had been a really long time since they last saw each other, once again, life making it complicated to hang out more often.

“So” Emily started “I don’t think I ever actually apologized about that one time” She felt embarrassed reminiscing her behaviour during that New Year’s.

“Come on, Em” Penelope waved her off “It’s ok, you don’t have to say anything”

“No, but I do, I was- we were going through a difficult time, JJ and I were going through the adoption process for Nick and we weren’t getting matched and there were a lot of setbacks, that’s why we didn’t tell any of you at the time but it was difficult for us and of course, JJ was way better than at handling everything and I just let out my frustration that time when it wasn’t my place to say anything, I was an asshole to you” Penelope placed a hand on her shoulder.

“Don’t say that, Emily, we all snap sometimes, I’m sorry you were going through that but now you have Nick and he’s a great kid” Penelope smiled remembering the curly boy.

“I didn’t mean anything that I said, I mean, we did have our doubts but you proved it was possible to do what you did”

“Oh no, I actually think you were right, it’s a bit of a mess right now” Penelope looked away.

“I... Know, and even though the situation is not great right now, I’m sure you’ll get through it” Emily gave her a sympathetic smile and Penelope nodded “I gotta say one more thing though, I’ll never understand why you guys didn’t even try”

The blonde woman just shrugged, at that point neither did she “It’s just, we’ve been friends for half of our lives, it would’ve been, I don’t know, weird? We’ve seen each other at our worse and our best, he’s like always been there” As much as Penelope tried to convince herself it wouldn’t have worked out, she never actually did it.

“Babe, I don’t see how that’s bad” Emily commented taking a sip of her drink, her words echoed in Penelope’s head.

Luke opened the door and Julian immediately launched himself at him.

“Daddy!” He clung onto Luke’s neck while Penelope awkwardly stood there.

“Sorry I couldn’t pick him up tonight” Luke said, looking at Julian instead of her, he was still hurt but really trying to move on this time.

“Don’t worry, it’s ok” Luke expected to see her turn around and go back to her place but she remained there “I found this at my place, it’s your birthday present from last year, you never actually got it so I thought I should bring it” He saw the bag in her hands and it just reminded him of the day he had gotten his heart broken.

“Oh, Penelope, I appreciate it but I’m fine, I don’t need anything”

“Please, I insist” She offered it to him and Julian was fast take it.

“Open it, daddy!” He started to kick his legs so Luke would put him down.

“I’ll open it tomorrow, bud, it’s time for bed now” He could see Julian was not happy about it. 

“NO!” Julian dropped to the floor “Open it! Open it!” The terrible twos were not a joke, he started to throw kicks and Luke kneeled to his level.

“Jules, it’s time to go to bed, come on” He grabbed him in his arms.

“Open the pwesent” Luke sighed.

“I’ll make you a deal, we open it and then you go to bed” Julian seemed to calm.

“I’m gonna get going now, good night Jules, have sweet dreams, my love” She took a step to them and leaned to kiss Julian’s head, when she was about to step away she grabbed her sweater.

“Stay!” Penelope softly took his little hand and let herself free from his grasp.

“I can’t, I gotta go, baby” Julian started to cry.

“Maybe you can stay and help us with bedtime” Luke suggested, Penelope silently agreed.

They walked towards Julian’s bedroom and Penelope felt like an outsider, it had been a long time since she had walked inside Luke’s home, once they got there, she helped Julian to put on his PJ’s while Luke watched them and untuck his bed covers. 

“Pwesent!” Julian said once he was underneath his blankets, each of his parents sat on either side of the bed next to him.

Luke opened the bag and put out something that look like a binder? Photo album? ‘Luke + Jules + Pen’ was engraved on the cover, when he opened it, he saw it was a scrapbook, it had photos of him and Penelope when they first met back in college, ticket stubs of that time when Penelope was in different plays, from when all of the gang had gone to see the Yankees, Luke’s favorite baseball team, photos of them with their friends and then it was Julian’s first sonogram, photos of Penelope pregnant, photos of their baby shower, their first picture the three of them that Savannah had taken at the hospital, all of it was filled with memories.

Luke closed it abruptly, it was all too much for him “Alright, bud, it’s time for you to sleep, we’re picking up Roxy from the shelter tomorrow, remember?” A sleepy boy nodded and just when Penelope and Luke thought they had won, Julian spoke again.

“Mommy, stay!” Penelope tried her best to smile.

“I have to go to your other home, remember?” Luke noticed how Penelope’s voice faltered and decided to back her up.

“Julian, remember what I told you about your two houses? That only the most special little boys get two, so Mommy needs to go and take care of your other house”

“I want Mommy to stay!” He demanded, starting to cry again.

It took everything in Penelope not to tell him that he wanted to stay as well so she just held him and sang the lullaby Luke used to sing to him when he was a baby, it didn’t take long until he fell asleep, Penelope kissed his forehead and silently left the room with Luke behind her.

Before she could speak Luke beat her to it “Drive safe, I’ll take him to you on Sunday” He said and Penelope could only nod as she walked out of the door an to her car.

She sat there for a few minutes, not realizing tears were rolling down her cheeks, when she calmed down she started to drive home, it took her ten minutes to decide she was not going home, she made an u-turn to go back to Luke’s place.

She knocked, unsure what she was going to say but trusting it would be the right thing.

“Penelope? Did you forget something?” Luke asked, confused as to why she was back.

She walked right past him into his apartment “Remember when I asked you if you had met your person?” She said with tears in her eyes.

“Yes” He breathed out.

“We both said no” Penelope stated “Can you ask me if I’ve met my person, please?” Luke felt some sort of anger form in his chest.

“Why? So you can tell me it’s perfect Sam? I don’t under-”

“Please” She interrupted him “Please ask me”

“Have you met your person?”

“Yeah, I have, for a long time now, but I was an idiot and I didn’t realize it until just recently” She said through her sobs, Luke forgot how to breathe, playing her words over and over again “When I found your present and looked through it I realized it’s you, it has been you all along, Luke, you’re my person”

Luke didn’t waste no time and kissed her, feeling his heart being mend with every second that passed, when they pulled away, he asked “What about Sam?”

“He’s been out of the picture for months” She admitted and Luke resumed their kiss only to pull apart immediately.

“You’re my person, Penelope, always have, always will” He choked out.

“I love you, Luke” She caressed his face in her hands.

Luke closed her eyes, her words giving him a joy he didn’t knew existed “I love you too, Penelope” 

“So… Can I stay?” She chuckled through her tears.

“Only if you stay forever” Luke answered and took her in his arms, planning to make up for all the lost time where he wasn’t able to show her how much he loved her.

“Home, let me come home, home is wherever I’m with you” 

Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros

[binboozlebob]

Present, Past, Future

THE DAY HE COMES BACK

Incheon Airport looks different the moment Wonpil lands his foot on the ground. Probably the new structure of the building? Or is that new burger chain restaurant? He is not sure anymore, but the only thing he is sure for now is, he is finally back.

To be honest, Wonpil is anxious to be back home. It's been too long. It's long enough for him to forget how it feels like to be Korean. Italy had changed him to a completely different person. Nonetheless, he is still excited. He is finally able to see his family again not through phone screen.

He is walking slowly to claim his luggage and queue for a taxi. Thank God, he doesn't forget his mother language after staying abroad, so he doesn't find any hassle in catching a taxi. The taxi drives through the busy street of Seoul and all the skyscrapers flashing in front of him. They look so different from the last time he saw it. He doesn't exactly remember how it was, but seeing his hometown again after a really long time feels strange.

His mind wanders to the reason why he left. Why he sacrificed his family for living alone somewhere far away instead. He wanted to make peace with himself. He wanted to be able to accept and love himself first. When he finally found his inner peace after thirteen years, that’s also when he decided to go home for good.

The trip doesn't really take a long time though. He doesn’t realize he has reached his destination in twenty minutes. After saying thanks to the driver and taking his luggage from the trunk, he pulls it to a front door of a house. The house isn't too big, but it radiates warm energy. It's not only a house for Wonpil, it's a home that he misses the most.

He knocks on the door but no one answers it at first. He knows it will happen since he doesn't tell anyone he will come home. He knocks again when a middle aged woman appears from the house.

“Who— Oh my God, my son!” the woman hugs him immediately. Her hug is tight and Wonpil can feel his shoulder is getting wet from his mother's tear. It makes him cry too.

“Why don't you tell me that you will come back, Wonpil?” his mother pats him on his cheeks and inspects his face, cannot believe that her son is finally here.

“To surprise you?”

“What kind of surprise is this? I haven't cook anything for you and you look so skinny”

“Mom...” he whines, “but yeah, I lost some weight while living in Milan. There's no delicious food there and I need to be on a strict diet for my job.”

“Come here, I will cook you a lot of food then,” she says while opening the door wider so Wonpil can pass through it with his big luggage. She disappears to the kitchen then, probably preparing meals for him.

While everything in Seoul seems to change, his home stays the same. The wallpaper, the floor, even the furniture are still the same like the last time he was there. God, he really misses this. It's not like Wonpil never called his family in the last thirteen years. He called, but everything is different when he's actually there.

Wonpil is too immersed in his own nostalgia, he doesn't hear small steps coming from the bathroom.

“Grandma, where are you? We haven't washed our hands yet!”

A small boy, probably 7 years old, is running in his house and suddenly stops in front of his face, he looks scared like he sees a stranger. Well, he is indeed a stranger in his own house.

“GRANDMA! THERE'S A WEIRD AHJUSSI HERE!” he screams and walks slowly to the corner of the room.

“I'm not weird ahjussi, Dowoon-ah”

“Who are you then? Why do you know my name?”

“I'm Uncle Wonpil, you don't remember?” he speaks with a fake hurt tone.

“Uncle Wonpil? Mom's brother?”

“Yeah, he is your mom's brother,” his mother comes back from the kitchen, probably remembering that his grandson was still in the bathroom before.

“Grandma, why did you leave me suddenly? We haven't finished washing hands”

“I know, Grandma is sorry. But I heard the knocking on our door so I opened it and Uncle Wonpil was there. I think I was too excited so I forgot you,” she chuckles while pinching the chubby cheeks of Dowoon. “I will continue cooking and you will wash your hands with Uncle Wonpil, okay?”

The little kid only gives a small nod and walks to the bathroom. Wonpil follows him and helps him to stand near the sink.

“Are you really Uncle Wonpil?” Dowoon asks. His eyes are skeptical and Wonpil wants to laugh.

“Of course I'm Uncle Wonpil! Why do you keep asking that?”

Dowoon only shrugs. He doesn't ask anymore and wash his hands in silence. After they finish with their hands, Wonpil comes to the kitchen while Dowoon sprints off to somewhere in their house.

In the small amount of time, his mom manages to cook so many dishes and it makes his stomach growl. “Eat a lot,” she says and Wonpil doesn't need to be told to inhale all those food. He almost tears up again because he really misses his mom's cooking.

Later that night, he surprises the rest of the family. To say they are shocked when Wonpil appears for his bedroom is understatement. His father hugs him immediately, telling him that he is proud of Wonpil for finishing his college and surviving alone in another country while his older sister messes his hair and pinch his cheeks, saying she misses his annoying little brother.

He catches up with the whole family while eating dinner. From the conversation, he knows that his father started to have interest in gardening so he planted a lot of things in their small garden in front of the house. His older sister got promoted not long after she gave birth to Dowoon and Wonpil says sorry because he couldn't go home for her labour. His brother-in-law was moved to another branch of his company, it's a little bit further so he is stressed with the traffic jam every day. It's also the reason why he isn't there. And Dowoon, well he says he made rocketship in his class.

Wonpil sees his family chatting happily and he is glad he makes the right decision to come back home and stay here.

---

THE DAY HE REMINISCES

He tries to sleep that night but he can't. He doesn't know whether it's because jet lag or the heaviness in his heart. Yes, he is glad he is at home with his family, but there's an unsettling feeling inside. His thought flies away to the reason why he left this country thirteen years ago and a question suddenly pops in his head, “what if he meets him again?”

Funny enough, the reason why he applied for that scholarship in the first place was to avoid this city. No, he didn't hate Seoul, nor have problems with his family. He only wanted to avoid this particular person because he knew, everywhere he went, if it's still in Seoul, there's a slight chance that he would meet him and he didn't want that.

Now he is back for good, there's possibility that he will meet him somewhere, someday. He is not sure if he will be ready or not. He only hopes he will.

Since the sleepiness doesn't come anyway, he decides to take a midnight walk to get some fresh air. He wears his coat and leaves his house to any places where his feet bring.

It ends up in an empty park near their high school. A pair of familiar swings welcome him. The swings are still the same but the paint is already worn off and it's rusty. The saddles also remain the same although it's a little bit dirty and old.

He sits in one of the swings and swinging lightly. A wave of memories suddenly come crashing and it takes him to thirteen years ago, to a boy named Park Sungjin, the Busan guy who sat beside him for three years of high school. His seatmate who had allergy for his aegyo but actually cared a lot. The one who played guitar and had a sweet voice.

Also Park Sungjin, the guy that he tries to avoid the most. The guy behind the reason why he took the scholarship to a strange land. His only crush but also the one who broke his heart because he likes girls and Wonpil is not a girl.

He sighs, Park Sungjin, how is he doing right now?

The sky is so pretty that night, he looks it up and he remembers clearly what happened years ago in this place.

###

It was also late night when he walked home with Sungjin from the music store where they used to hang out to play the instrument. It was a good day, at least for Wonpil because he didn't have to hear Sungjin talking about his crush all the time.

But the good day had come to an end in the worst way.

They were in the middle of talking about the guitar that Sungjin played at the store, the one he said he wanted to buy it, when suddenly Sungjin's steps came to halt. Wonpil didn't know what made him stop until he was following Sungjin's sight.

Sungjin was looking at this swing, the exact same swing that Wonpil is currently sitting in the present time, but his eyes fixed on someone. It was the girl, his long time crush. She was talking with Younghyun, the loner of the class. From Wonpil's eyes, they seemed talking animatedly, which was weird because Younghyun never talked to anyone at school.

When Wonpil looked at Sungjin's face, his mood turned somber. There's no longer happy Sungjin like few minutes ago. A mixture of pain, sadness, and disappointment appeared clearly on his face.

And it was hurting Wonpil all over again. Sungjin deserved someone better than her, someone that truly cared about him. If Wonpil could be selfish, he wished Sungjin would look at him instead like they way he looked at the girl. Wonpil wanted to know how it felt like to be that girl. To be someone that could make Sungjin's heart flutter and the only thing he's talking about all the time.

He took a deep sigh and put his ego aside. He should be the best friend that Sungjin needed. After all, Sungjin still needed him even though not in a way that Wonpil needed him.

“You are done mopping?” he walked closer to Sungjin. His sudden existence surprised him and burst out his bubble.

“Yeah, let's go home,” they continued their walk in silence. At first, Wonpil tried to make a conversation so it wouldn't be awkward, but Sungjin only answered him in short sentences. Therefore, Wonpil stopped trying and Sungjin didn't say anything afterwards.

Their great day had ended and Wonpil remembers it as an awful memory.

###

A strong blow of wind makes Wonpil shivers. He tightens his coat and smiles bitterly. He was a fool who used to wish he could heal Sungjin's pain. However, being his best friend was even worse because along the way, he got hurt instead.

Wonpil gets up from the swing. He doesn't want to be drowned in painful memory anymore. He continues his midnight walk to somewhere that won't hurt him.

He walks through a small mini market, cafe, and arcade where he used to spend his time after school. Everything remains the same, maybe there are some slight changes that go unnoticed by Wonpil, but he doesn't really care.

His feet bring him further until they stop at the end of the bridge that connects to another neighborhood. He looks straight and all his defenses crumble. This place is the hardest.

He takes a deep breath, walks in small steps until he reaches the middle part of the bridge. Then, he leans himself on the railing. He tries to look under the bridge, wondering if the small river is still the same or not, but he cannot see anything since it passed midnight.

The memory is still vivid in his mind even after thirteen years. The last moment they spent together on the bridge, a place where they used to meet for 'emergency' situations.

###

Sungjin was late at that time but Wonpil didn't really care because he had something more important to tell. He was panicking inside.

“Sorry, I'm late,” he said while leaning on the railing. His elbow knocked on Wonpil's and it made him jump a little.

“It's okay.”

There was only silence lingering around them. The air was heavy but none of them tried to break it off. Sungjin was waiting for Wonpil to speak but he was too scared that it would lead to something bad.

Wonpil gathered up his courage and gave him the little bunny keychain from the night before. His palm opened up and Sungjin took it. He was looking at it with a sad smile on his face, the memory of last night came flashing.

“I was rejected you know. I mean, I've seen it coming. I've seen the way she was looking at Younghyun and I knew I had no chance. But I still did it anyway,” he let out a small chuckle, “I just... I didn't want to regret if I never confessed to her. I'm a fool, right, Pil?”

“No, you are not. Because if you are fool, I am too.”

Sungjin looked at him puzzled as he waited for Wonpil to continue his talk. He couldn't look at Sungjin, too afraid that he would undo his plan because he was too coward.

He took a deep breath and let it out. Here goes nothing.

“I like you. I like you more than as best friend or brother. I like you the way you like her,”

From the corner of his eye, he could see Sungjin opened up his mouth to say something. So he continued, stopping Sungjin from saying anything that potentially could hurt him more than this.

“You don't have to answer it. I know you don't feel the same way. Like you said, I don't want to regret never telling you my feelings.”

He finally looked at Sungjin. His face was full of confusion, but there's no disgust there and it made Wonpil a little bit relieved.

“I... I'm sorry, Wonpil”

“It's okay, I'll be fine,” he put a fake smile on his face to cover the sadness he felt inside, “I'll be going home first, okay. Take care!”

He straightened himself out of the railing and walked away from the bridge. Leaving the boy whom he just confessed drowning in his own bewilderment.

The next day, Wonpil left the country without telling goodbye to Sungjin.

###

He doesn't know why he sighs over that memory, but it's still hurting him as if it's a fresh wound that just happened yesterday.

The fact that he is still longing for Sungjin irks him. Even after all these years, when he thought he would finally be able to move on from him, he cannot do that.

And if someone asks him whether he has made a peace with himself or not, the answer is actually no.

His heart remains the same, it's aching for Sungjin.

---

THE DAY THEY MEET

It has been 6 months and Wonpil has settled in Seoul. He got a stable job as a model that paid him well. He moved to a small studio apartment in the heart of Gangnam. The most important thing, he didn't meet Sungjin at all.

He thinks maybe, just maybe, Sungjin moved back to Busan after they graduated and settled there. He is thankful if he really did that.

His life is almost perfect until he gets a homecoming invitation from Jae, his former classmate. He is contemplating whether he will come or not. He really wants to come but he is afraid that he will meet Sungjin.

After a long consideration, he decides to come. It's time for him to stop avoiding his problem and face the small fear inside of him instead.

The homecoming takes place in a restaurant around Itaewon. He comes a little bit late because a magazine photo shoot holds him for a while. When he arrived, he could see almost all of his classmates are there, except one person. It actually eases his worry.

It's all fun until a familiar figure enters the restaurant in the middle of the event. He is late again.

Wonpil recognizes him, though. Even after all these years, he still knows the owner of that broad back. The back he used to hug only to annoy him.

“Oy, Park Sungjin, you are late!” someone shouts from the crowd.

“I'm sorry, but the traffic jam is the worst,” he lets out a small laugh while scratching the back of his neck.

God, his laugh is still the same. It's blaring with a hint of playfulness in it. His habit of scratching his neck when he feels embarrassed also remains the same. He doesn't change at all.

Wonpil doesn't realize he is staring at Sungjin, but when he is awake from his trance, the said guy was also looking at him. He cannot read Sungjin's face, but there's a really tiny smile in the corner of his lips.

During the homecoming, Wonpil doesn't talk to Sungjin. He tries to make himself invisible and avoid any conversation. He only needs to survive until the end of this event.

When everyone is ready to go home, someone taps his shoulder and somehow it makes him anxious. His stomach churns and his palms turn clammy. He prepares himself for the worst. He turns his back and sees Sungjin is standing right behind him.

“Can we talk?” It's a simple question and Wonpil can make any fake excuses not to talk to him.

But here he is, in the small stairs beside the restaurant with Sungjin. The air around them reminds him of what happened thirteen years ago, of all the things that better be remain unsaid.

“You never tell me why did you move back then. Heck, I didn't even know you got a scholarship in Italy until I saw your Instagram post,” he sounds upset, but Wonpil cannot blame him though. He left so suddenly without warning.

“You know the reason, Sungjin. It's complicated. I just... I wanna make peace with myself at that time.”

“How's Milan, then?” he suddenly turns their conversation to something lighter. Something that doesn't remind them about the last time they meet.

He sighs, “It was good. The city was beautiful. The food was okay even though it's not as good as Korean food. How's yours?”

“Never been better,” there's a proud smile on his face. He seems like he wants to elaborate further when his phone suddenly rings. Sungjin picks up his phone and suddenly there's a voice of a little girl jarring from the call.

“Dad, where are you? Why is it so dark? I cannot see your face!”

“Dad is outside with his friend. It's dark because the lighting is dim, sweetie.”

This side of Sungjin is foreign to Wonpil. It's totally different. Sungjin never talks to someone this sweetly before and it's a surprise for him to see the soft side of Sungjin.

What's shocking the most is how Sungjin addresses himself as 'dad'. His mind cannot catch up with this new information. It's short circuited until he realizes there's Sungjin's phone in front of his face.

“Eunji-ya, say hi to Uncle Wonpil. He is dad's best friend from high school,” Sungjin says excitedly.

Wonpil wants to scoff but when he sees the screen, there's a cute little girl around 3 years old smiling at him. He doesn't have the heart to do so.

“Hello, Uncle Wonpil!”

“Umm... Hi, Eunji-ya?” he says awkwardly. At this point, he is not sure what to feel anymore. His heart is a mess and he wants to go home right now.

“Dad, when will you go home? I'm sleepy while waiting for you”

“Dad will be home soon! I will talk to you later, okay?”

“Alright! Love you, Dad!”

“Love you too, Park Eunji,” he blows a kiss for his daughter before hanging up the call.

“Hey, Pil, I'm sorry, I need to go home now. My daughter is waiting. We gotta catch up someday. See you soon!” he says abruptly.

He sees Sungjin makes a little run to the parking lot without waiting for his reply. The same thing he did thirteen years ago in the bridge when he left him.

He scoffs for real this time. Who is he kidding for holding on to the same silly hope.

While everything changes, one thing still remains. Sungjin would never be his. Not in the past, not in the present, not in the future.

[spauldingsimonson]

A new hobby and seeing myself in Spaulding

Well well well, hello again tumblr. I don’t even know if anyone will ever read this beside myself, but as much as possible I will type away and act like this will be the beginning of my autobiography. I have always been into them when I was a kid but as I’ve lost time and squandered some of it, I decide now to not completely waste it as I don’t see any cons in finally writing about my life. 

“ And I flat out refuse to have one of those lives that I wouldn’t even read about.”

- Sonya Sones, One of Those Hideous Books Where the Mother Dies

During this quarantine, I have been trying my best to read more books and catch up on shows and movies I have not given myself the indulgence to spend time on, as school and realities usually deprived me of the time. But not to forget that I am both lazy and impulsive with plans, accumulating in a very fast forward tick of time and me, just trying to grasp everything as much as I can.

A week ago I think, or maybe more than that... (I have lost track of time) I read Seth Greenland’s book, I Regret Everything: A Love Story. It’s a story about a 33 year old trusts and real estates lawyer Jeremy Best who falls in love with the 19 year old Spaulding Simonson, who is his boss’s daughter. These are what struck me out from the beginning to read the book, cos well this is what I want in life - to just be a young girl who catches the attention of a man who is older than me and be completely enamored by my wit and charm. Let me get this straight, I know what is creepy and what is not. I would never want to be with someone who just sees me as an easy admirer. If I can miraculously find this with someone my age, I’d be game. It’s just that there’s more to older men and the game you choose to play with someone you would think to be off limits.

Jeremy, who secretly moonlights as a poet named Jinx Bell, starts the narrative and he explains how he loves and gives high regard to language and is a patron for the arts, giving 50-100$ bills to street musicians. You also get to see a person who always picks the safe choices in life. He even chose to bid farewell to an adventurous life with a woman who was in love with, as he sees the grand act of her leaving her husband for him and touring Africa, “operatic” and uncharacteristic. 

“Regret expands. It matures. It accrues strength and mass. It is a living organism.”

Then there is Spaulding Simonson, the 19 year old daughter of his boss, the managing partner to the well-known successful firm Jeremy works for. On the outside, she is who I want to be. She doesn’t think she’s THAT pretty but as you read from the book, everyone does seem to think she is. A lot of people always tried to hit on her, charming, rich, studied in a boarding school in Switzerland, goes to Italy as her school field trip, has an apartment for rich people in Manhattan, smart, got into Barnard. But behind all this, her mother is selfish alcoholic and a dad who think she’s crazy, a loved but absent brother, no permanent address, pushed to go to boarding school. She only got into a mental hospital because of the sad accumulation of her anxieties that made her swallow too much pills on Christmas that resulted in having her stomach pumped.

As i feel like I’m gonna write the whole book as I’m enjoying reminiscing the story, I’ll fast forward. He learns he that he has cancer, fights his feelings between being rational and having a good chance to be a partner, and falling in love with Spaulding. A lot of events happen and it’s their narrative of how they feel that I thoroughly enjoyed despite the hard words used by Greenland (I was quite the slow reader as I had to find the meaning with a lot A LOT of words). You get to see that Jeremy, with his life-long regrets, tries to act now as he is not sure about his mortality, Spaulding being an ever-present model for life and youth. All while still trying to be characteristically rational. After a long time of repression and a lot of events, he finally gives in, they go to Italy, and well... the end. I won’t post the ending here as I might spoil some people even though as of right now, I think and might maintain that this site be anonymous and not shared.

While I was at the last chapter and been having bad feelings about the incoming eventualities, I was already crying. For real this time as my friends know that I do have a hard time spilling tears. After I finished it in bed with tears, the words and events had me thinking so much about my life and what I would’ve done in Spaulding’s situation, complete with music that made me even sadder and more pensive. I was very moved by the book that I had posted my first long review on goodreads, all up to still thinking about it a week or more later that I write about it this detailed and naming my blog over the girl protagonist. It annoys me a bit that the title says “A Love Story” because even though it is, I think there’s so much more to it - our choices, our upbringing, growing up, and so much more. There’s so much good lines that after I write this, I’m going to add more quotes to my goodreads profile. Thank God truly to iBooks highlights, notes, and goodreads quotes.

I’m going to end this post with the quote I started my goodreads review with:

“Our lives are lived with the illusion of control and then there are moments rare as wisdom when we abandon the pretense that we are masters of our fate. Despite all of my finely honed instincts of self-preservation, the chorus of inner voices imploring me to run in the opposite direction, and every iota of common sense, I had fallen in love with Spaulding Simonson.”

[seulserenity]

Obligation - Krystal scenario

[a/n] I've wanted to do a mafia au for a long time now, the prompt for this is "I was supervising, not participating"

Working for the sicilian mafia had always been something of a challenge for you as a child, it was the ultimate quest you had to defeat and now aged 26 you were finally finishing the challenge. As you sat in your chair overlooking the sicilian streets you reminisced on your first days with this crew, your crew. Aged 19 you joined the mafia, located in Naples and working with burly men your father's age. You performed the menial tasks, fetching the money and land off of scammers and families indebted to the group however when you were 20 it no longer was viable to live the way you did within that mafia. Indeed as a child you had been told stories of great gangs that dominated Italy but as you grew so did the world around you and as it evolved mafias began to die out, their services and even their threats dwindled with time.

At that point you moved to Sicily, the sicilian mafia was still widely known and respected and it seemed that the work would be profitable there. Landing a role within the group was easy enough and by 22 you were a fully fledged member of their close knit group; life seemed to be floating by but you didn't mind. That exact October you met her for the first time, Krystal Jung Soojung. She owned the antique/rustic Italian 2 storey terrace that you were sent out to with some lemons and an envelope filled with cash. It was no secret that to survive and thrive in sicily as a town member you'd have to cooperate with the mafia, the residents and mafia coexisted with both sides benefitting from the almost business like deal between them. It seemed this derelict and depleted mansion was only occupied for a few weeks each year by the mysterious Miss Jung and that when she was on the island your boss had urged you to deliver these parcels despite knowing you were higher in the ranks than a mere messenger.

You remembered knocking on the door that time and seeing her in a silk robe, purple face cream painted her face and she had resting on her head a pink band that pulled back her dark brown hair away from the purple cream. She had welcomed you in and even offered you some rosé seeing as it was after 9 so surely you'd have been clocked off. You let yourself be pulled in for a glass or two and you spent the evening getting to know the Korean beauty. Every holiday she visited, you would always offer to deliver the envelopes regardless of your position in the gang and slowly you two formed a bond. She was the closest friend you had in Italy other than your gang and the old lady you checked up on for your boss each week.

Aged 26 you were settling into a new role in the mafia, just last month the boss had assigned you as his successor purely based on your managerial skills and knowledge of the clients in the area. Stepping up to the bat had never been more terrifying, in fact taking on this large position felt even more daring than when you had first go in contact with the mafia in Naples. Hundreds of men and women relied on you and listened to your every command before dutifully following it out. Not only were you in control of your own people though but you also assisted with the general management of trade and daily life on the small island. Krystal was due to arrive this summer, you couldn't wait to see one of your closest friends again, especially since she had been thrilled to know of your promotion (she'd heard of this news through a crappy touristic postcard that you'd found was the easiest way to keep in touch with the busy Korean idol) and what better way to describe your new role then to show her. The new role as a boss came with a suite on the top floor of a mafia run hotel and you thought it was about time she came to yours for a drink. In the past she'd always invited you to hers for it was unsafe to reveal your accommodation while you worked as an assassin, now you had the protection of many other men and women you were finally able to bring her round.

Unbeknownst to you Krystal had always admired you, it had started with a mere fascination of your job and the sacrifice you made for the mafia. As your friendship grew and the two of you became inseparable when she visited Krystal felt the admiration turn into something slightly more. The longing to stay with you in Sicily rather than returning to Korea often tugged at her heart and the little habits you'd developed endeared her. One of these quirks would be holding your hand as you wandered through markets or when you dozed off whilst watching movies and all the time you saw these as friendly or meaningless gestures Krystal had put meaning behind each action.

She arrived at the airport wearing tiny denim shorts and a figure hugging tank top, her dark hair was pulled back taut in a high ponytail and she wore a face full of makeup (something about being an idol she would say) and even though you'd seen her before like this somehow she looked so good. Shrugging it off you ignored it for the sake of your friendship, your strong arms circled around her small waist and grazing under the back of her sweatshirt you held her close to you. Memorising her scent and mapping out the contours of her body against yours, she felt like she was meant to be in Sicily with you. Once you released her you grabbed her luggage and both of you headed for your favourite ice cream bar; it was a large chain on the island and offered so many flavours that both of you were sure you'd never run out of options. A strawberry cone and oreo tub glided across the counter whilst you slid some coins to the flirty cashier, as soon as you could you both left the little shop giggling at the very obvious cashier. Krystal led you to the park in front of her house where she promptly laid down the toy story 4 blanket which she'd brought in Walmart. The afternoon merged into evening and still you laid in the park on Forky and Rex's faces but as the night crept in Krystal checked her expensive watch and nagged at you to leave for your shift. You bid her goodnight in the park and watched as she unlocked her peeling door and slipped into the shadowy building.

At 1:00 your crew had rushed upstairs with news of a new rival gang attacking one of your clients. At once you rose from your chair and asked for an address of the client, the eldest in the gaggle of men spoke. " Its no. 10 opposite the park." immediately your brain spun, confusion and possibilities swirled around like a merry-go-round. You wondered how a rookie gang could even know what your biggest weakness was or whether it was pure luck, if so the bastards were so very lucky but now you'd teach them a lesson. You ordered for your best snipers to be on watch nearby before commanding some of the lower rank members to go and drag the gang away before beating the new gang to a pulp after all the Sicilian mafia weren't known for simply managing business, the reputation of being the most powerful gang came with incredible fighting skills.

Krystal heard five men barge down the door and within minutes the rival gang was squirming on the floor with hands twisted behind their backs and weapons cast under her old creamy sofa. Looking at their faces Krystal recognised them but y/n was nowhere to be seen amongst them. Krystal thanked them in Italian before going to open the door and let them out with their new victims, as she opened the door y/n strolled through.

"Are you okay?"

Krystal scoffed, was this all y/n could say? She'd always fought for Krystal but this new promotion seemed to cause a separation between them.

" Why weren't you here? Maybe then you'd have known that just 7 minutes ago I was not even remotely okay!" Krystal seethed.

" I know what happened Krystal, I was supervising, not participating. My new role means I need to oversee rather than..."

"For once I hate this new promotion, I thought you would still be here to protect me. I thought I meant something to you, I was something more than just a fucking friend to you but it seems I'm just another client you have to deal with. I mean do you even know how confusing you are? Like genuinely, or is your head stuck so far up your mafia ass that you can't even see the mixed signals you gave off. You know what, fuck you y/n! I was hoping this summer something would actually happen between us, I waited so long and finally this year I was gonna make my move but you went first. Congratulations, dickhead. "

Her lithe figure stomped upstairs to her room and you were left looking at five very uncomfortable henchmen. The eldest and your longest confidante murmured "We'll leave you boss and take the idiots, I promise we'll do a clean up tomorrow as long as the Missus doesn't mind?"

"That's the furthest thing on her mind right now, don't worry. I'll close up after you."

" Boss, stay and sort her out, we'll be fine on our own and we can cover you for tonight."

With a simple nod at him you headed up the old trodden stairs to her room, hangul was sloppily painted on the door and you vaguely recalled Krystal painstakingly trying to teach you her language. Pushing the door open you heard a sniff before the cheetah print pillow was lobbed at you, laughing at the meagre attempt you padded into the room. Maroon carpet swallowed your footsteps as you walked over to the double bed, you sank next to Krystal on it.

"I think we both need to clear the air Krys."

Suddenly you were jolted out of your trip down memory lane by two arms which looped around your neck. Words were muffled by your skin as she burrowed into your exposed neck

" Whatcha thinking about beautiful?"

"You and my mafia days, love" you murmured back to her before gently bringing her cheek across to kiss you. As you pulled away you stood up from your chair and let Krystal drag you out of the hotel. Yelling a goodbye to your crew as you were eagerly pulled out of the building some wolf whistles could be heard. The pair of you ran to the little ice cream store, this time only ordering one cone with two scoops. One scoop oreo and one strawberry and when you reached the cashier Krystal pulled your face in for a huge sloppy kiss before grabbing the cone and walking out the door.

As you headed to the park you saw that same kiddish blanket on the grass and you smirked, no matter what distance you two might suffer you'll always have these moments and these sort of moments made you feel you'd last forever.

That was how your fiancée Krystal Jung Soojung made you feel, cringy as it was.

Fin

[thewondersofsmut]

Wars

Summary: "War is war, it's the reality of it."

Pairing: Damon x Reader

Warnings: swearing, deaths

Word Count: 1993

This fic tackles two major topics rather than how I intended for it to be but hopefully you guys enjoy it!

(gifs not mine, credits to owners)

"I'm trying to explain! I'm not yelling at you, you just wouldn't listen!" He argued. "You're raising your voice and you're telling me that you're not yelling at me?!" You argued back. "Like you listen to me too?!" You added. "No one ever listens to me and all you fucking do is give me attitude." He said. "Well, if you actually let me explain shit rather than assume–" "Oh, babe, you do that shit too! And don't even bother denying it–" "I'm so done." You muttered. "So you're done with this relationship–" "No, I'm done with how you're always fucking acting." You expressed, walking away and into your bedroom. You hid yourself under the covers, something you tend to do, not letting tears slip down your face, but nevertheless it did. Damon closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose, deeply sighing. He hated arguing with you yet it was unavoidable. He clashed so much with you sometimes he wondered why you were still here after all those arguments.

He walked towards the bedroom fully knowing you'd be crying under the covers. "Please don't cover yourself." He nicely asked. "It's not good for you." He added. He sighed sitting close to you only for you to push yourself further away from him. "Please come here." He asked softly. You wouldn't budge and your stubbornness prevails. "I don't want to hurt you." He added. You clenched your jaw. Tears slipping down the side of your face. He gently yet strongly pulled you to his side, almost cradling you in his arms. He uncovered your face and hurt flashed across his face, he didn't like seeing you in this state. "I'm sorry baby." He whispered, kissing the side of your head. He wiped your tears off your face and faced you to him. "I'm sorry too." You whispered. He kissed your forehead and hugged you tight. "I love you." You whispered. Three soft words that somehow, even after being together for 73 years, makes him smile. "I love you too." He whispered back.

June 1944

"Each path we take often leads to something greater, and that 'greater' was you two finding each other in a world taken under chaos, where war is prominent, your love stands out the most." This day was special but also shattering; it was your wedding day and the end of your human days, your first day to eternity. In your family's eyes, you had died aiding for the war, which you did, and therefore, only Stefan, Damon's brother, and Alexia, their, and now your friend to see the day you and Damon tie the knot. "Do you take this woman as your wife, to care for her in the years to come?" The pastor asked Damon. "I do." "And do you take this man as your husband, to tend to him for the years to come?" "I do." You smiled as did Damon, a few tears slipping down his face. "I now pronounce you, husband and wife." The pastor cheered. Damon softly took your face in his hand, kissing you with passion. "I love you." You whispered, making his smile wide. "And I love you too." He whispered back.

"Cheers, my brother." Stefan started, lifting up his mug. Damon smiled and lifted his mug as well. "To a wonderful wedding." Stefan cheered. "And to my death." You silently, grievingly muttered, fully knowing they would hear it either way. Damon looked at you, hurt flashing through his eyes. Everyone fell silent and Damon looked at you. "I'm sorry." He said. "At least I saved people." You said. "And you're here now, (y/n)." Alexia added, putting her hand on top of yours. "My little siblings, I won't get to see them anymore. My brothers, blaming themselves over my death, to follow them to war–" "War is war, (y/n/n), it's the reality of it." Stefan said. "I want to see them one more time." You said. Damon looked at you. "They cannot know." He said. "Can't we compel them, at least let them remember a more peaceful death than simply losing me from war, something greater, something they will even include you." You said. He nodded, a small smile on his face. "For now, lets celebrate your wedding." Stefan said, rubbing your shoulder. You slightly smiled but nodded, letting the good thoughts sink in.

Amidst your transitioning, looking over your family from a far, war once again took a member of your family. You saw the people who had told your family of your death at the front steps. You were breathing heavily, trying not to think so bad, that your brothers or father is just merely injured, just to tell your mother that they are fine and that they can see them now, but that wasn't the case. "I'm sorry, Mrs. (y/l/n)." Your mother stood her ground, looking stronger than ever, not letting her guard down, not while she grieves over your death. "Whom did I lose this time?" She asked. There was bitterness to her voice, almost like anger. You can hear your younger sister and younger brother playing inside, lucky to not be aware, to not understand the situation. "It's your husband and your second son." The man whispered. You heard her swallow, to take in the information. You looked at Damon and he held you strong as you cried, punching the tree, hurting yourself. In the corner of your eye, you saw your mother broke down in front of the officers, them tending to her like Damon is to you. You wanted to comfort her, to lessen her pain, but you knew it wasn't right.

"I should've been there!" You said to Damon. "Feed them my blood, give them another chance to live!" You cried. "Turning them to vampires is not giving them another chance!" Damon said. You didn't want to accept it but you knew he was right, you knew deep down, it was a burden knowing your family is going to grow old unlike you. "I want to hug her." You whispered. "I just want to tell her everything is going to be fine." You asked Damon. Pain was evident in your cries and giving you this opportunity is lessening the chance of you turning your humanity off. "I will go with you. Let me compel her first." He said and you nodded.

"(Y/n)?" She asked once she saw you. "I thought you were aiding." She said, hugging you tight. "I was." You whispered. "Your father and your brother–" "I heard." She cried into your arms as you did to hers. "Everything is going to be fine. Dean is going to take care of you and the little ones." You cried. You closed your eyes and looked at Damon. You hugged and kissed and said your last goodbyes to your younger siblings. You then looked at your mother and kissed her forehead. "I love you." You said and she smiled sadly. "I always will love you my dearest." She whispered. You looked into her eyes and sighed, your eyes dilating. "You will never remember me being here, this was all a dream. Sam, father, and I are at peace now, and soon you will be fine too." You compelled. After kissing her head one more time, you swiftly left with Damon, face wet from tears.

"I want to go." You whispered. Damon looked at you questioningly. "What do you mean?" He asked. "Europe?" You asked. "Why?" He asked, his voice ringing a little stronger. You gave a humorless laugh. "Either you take me away from here to forget or I turn it off." You said and he hit the breaks abruptly. "This is not some joke, (y/n). Your humanity is all you have left." He said, looking at you dead in the eye. "And this is not something I can handle! My family is gone! I'm gone!" You said, crying once again. "The taste of feeling nothing is so sweet at this point." "And you would put down your feelings towards me?!" He asked, hurt almost slapping him. "This is not about you!" "Your humanity is towards everything, not just your family but everyone and everything around you, and that includes me!" He argued. "Well, you're being selfish and insensitive right now!" "So what if I am?! I'm not the only one going to be affected with it! You think not caring about your family is better, you're the one who's selfish!" He exclaimed.

You closed your eyes and breathed, not doing anything but trying to calm yourself down', silently crying. "I'm sorry for saying that." You whispered. He faced you to him, wiping the tears on your face. "I understand you, princess. But never ever threaten to turn it off." He whispered, kissing your forehead. "We can go first thing tom." He said and you nodded.

"Remember when we went to Italy?" He asked, stroking your arm. "When my brother and my father died?" You asked and he softly nodded. "That was the first big argument we had after getting married." He said and you nodded. "But you were so strong. I wouldn't have been so surprised if you turned it off." He reminisced. "I don't know what you would have done to make me turn it back on." You said. "What would you have done?" You asked. "Some things are better off that you don't know." He said. "Im sorry we fought on our anniversary." You whispered. He kissed your temple. "Do you want to visit the cemetery next week?" He asked. "It's been a few years since you came back to your home town." He added. "True. I guess we can make a day trip there." You said, smiling up at him. "There's that smile." He said, tangling your hands with his, playing with the ring he gave you the same day, 73 years ago.

The drive there wasn't too long since it was Damon driving but other than that, the odd thing you noticed was the two people standing and looking down at you parents' grave, along with Sam's, and then Dean's, the last you visited. You walked towards them and your eyes grew wide. "Why hello there." The lady greeted. "Do you know our parents?" The man asked. You were speechless, tears brimming your eyes. Damon looked at you in realization to who they were. "They were my grandfather's friend back in the war." Damon said. "Charlene, Robert?" You spoke, looking at them in awe. They were still alive and well, visiting your and their parents and brothers. "Yes, dear." Charlene said. You went into their arms and hugged them, they were just toddlers when you left. Without hesitation, they hugged you back, just as lovingly as you did to them.

"You remind me of our sister." Robert said. You smiled and then looked at your gravestone. "My grandfather told me that, he liked her before." You said. "And if I could find photos of her with mother you would really be shocked." She said and you smiled. Damon looked at you, seeing new kind of happiness he hasn't seen in you before. "It's best we go, my sister." Robert said. "It's nice meeting you, dear. Until we see each other again." Charlene said. When they left you knelt in front of the gravestones. "They're okay." You whispered. "My little twins." You added. "I'm so happy for you." Damon whispered, lovingly placing his hand on the back of your neck. "Thank you for bringing me here." You said, looking up at him. "You deserve the best, my love, absolutely anything for you." He said. You stood up and kissed him. "I wouldn't want anyone else but you, even with all the wars we fight everyday." You said. He kissed your forehead, holding your hand softly as you thought and reminisced your days with your family and being thankful for the family you have now.

[nelliievance]

Tour of Specialized Headquarters

We are fortunate to have the world corporate headquarters of Specialized Bicycle Components here in Morgan Hill. They have a really nice museum you can drop in and see anytime, but it’s even better to arrange a formal tour with them. We were guided by Bob Friedrich, one of their product managers, who was gracious, funny, and knowledgeable. My “old goat” riding buddies went for a shorter version of our Tuesday ride for about an hour, to leave time for the tour, which took about 90 minutes. The tour was a bike nut and enginerd’s dream. We started out in the museum, learning a bit about the history of the company. I was familiar with it overall, but learned some more tidbits.

A replica of Mike Sinyard’s hippy-mobile which he sold to get his business going.

Mike Sinyard, the founder of Specialized Bicycle Imports, graduated from San Jose State. Upon graduation, he wasn’t sure what to do with himself, but since he as a bike fanatic, he hoped it would have something to do with bicycles. He went to visit Italy in 1974 after graduation, selling his VW bus to fund the trip. There he met  Cino Cinelli. a famous Italian maker of high-quality components, Mike became Cinelli’s sole US importer, and founded “Specialized Bicycle Imports” to sell parts to bicycle aficionados. He did not have a motor vehicle, so made his first deliveries, in a territory ranging from San Francisco to Monterey, using a trailer attached to his bike.

The First Specialized delivery van

By 1976 the company was importing other high-quality brands as well, and began having its own parts manufactured. In 1981 the company started selling its first two bikes, the Sequoia, a touring bike, and the Allez, a road bike. But the big breakthrough was when they introduced the Stumpjumper later that year, the first mass-produced mountain bike. All three are still in the company’s product line, and the original versions are shown in the museum:

Left to right Stumpjumper, Sequioia, and Allez

Surprisingly, the Stumpjumper’s success was not immediate. Mike had to tour all over the state convincing dealers, who were all road-bike oriented at the time. The initial production run of 700 was sold out before they arrived from Japan, and no further convincing was needed. It took the company several years to catch up on the backlog of demand. As an aside: In 1977, my wife bought a bike, because she wanted to have fun rides around the neighborhood and do errands. The bike shop sold her a bike with drop bars, which she hated (they also caused her some shoulder pain). Bike shops did that to everyone back them. I swapped them out for flat bars and then she was comfortable.Although some of success of the early mountain bikes was due to people wanting to ride off road, I think a lot of people just wanted a more comfortable riding position.

There were other fun aspects to the museum I’ll cover below. Before we saw them, we took a trip over to Specialized’s wind tunnel, which they let you stand in while it is turned on. They ramped it up to 67 mph while we were in there.

The inlet to the wind tunnel is the far wall, which is honeycombed to produce smoother airflow.

The honeycomb inlet

The fans on the opposite wall

The airflow sucked one of our members glasses off his head and flung them towards the fans, which are protected by netting. It took a few minutes to find them afterwards, fortunately intact.

Now it was back to the museum My favorite was the actual bikes on display that were ridden to success by Specialized’s sponsored riders.

The great time trial rider Fabian Cancellara, aka Spartacus, got one of his four stage wins at the Tour de France on this bike:

Legendary mountain bike Ned Overend won the first ever “fat bike” championship (on snow) on this bike. He won overall, at age 59:

There were several other notable bikes, including one that Peter Sagan used in his unprecedented three-peat at the world Championships, plus the one he used to win Paris-Roubaix. Peter, from Slovakia, is well known in cycling circles for being quite a character. There was a great quote on the wall from him: “They laugh at me because I am different. I laugh at them because they are all the same”. There was also the bike Tom Boonen used to win Paris-Roubaix, and the one Gwen Jorgensen used to win the gold medal in triathlon in Rio.

The other fun aspect of the museum was the display of concept bikes from over the years by their brilliant designer Robert Egger. Here is a small selection of many:

The Morgan Hill PD asked for a special police bike. They liked it when it was unveiled, until they noticed it had a donut holder instead of a bottle cage. Apparently they were less amused than Robert about that:

A racing tandem from more than 20 years ago. It has some innovative features still in use, such as an handlebar stem assembly reminiscent of Specialized’s modern “Shiv” design:

Ned Overend still works at Specialized as a product tester. Out of respect for his age, Robert made a replica of his first bike:

If you ever visit Morgan Hill, the Specialized museum is a must-see, which you can do on a drop-in basis. If you want the full-blown tour you just have to give them a little advanced warning, like maybe call the day before.

After the tour we had lunch. I took the long way riding home, inspired by all the photos of world class riders and seeing their bikes in person.

Tour of Specialized Headquarters published first on https://steroidsca.tumblr.com/

[robertshugartca]

Meet Lauren, Who What Wear fashion editor  and co-founder of The...

Meet Lauren, Who What Wear fashion editor  and co-founder of The Devils Wear Zara . Lauren is so obsessed with Zara that we started calling her the Zara Scout . Now she’s turning the nickname into a franchise so she can regularly share her insider knowledge of the brand—including all her hacks, secrets, and must-haves—with you.

The other day, I was rummaging through my closet attempting to clean it out (which didn’t go very well) and ended up reminiscing over a handful of Zara pieces I’ve had for years and still absolutely love. I feel like it’s more common to keep investment pieces for years on end versus extremely affordable Zara finds, but it was those pieces I found myself loving all the same.

Since Zara is constantly churning out new products every couple of weeks, it’s easy to lose sight of those fan-favorite items that once were, which is why I thought it would be interesting to reach out to all of our followers on The Devils Wear Zara and ask them to send pictures of their all-time favorite Zara items. Some of the pieces they picked were new, and some were really, really old, but seeing how happy the women ahead look while wearing their most beloved Zara items kind of made what the product itself not even matter. Scroll down. You’ll see.

“In love with this jacquard suit that I can easily dress up/down. Effortlessly chic and makes me feel like a boss.” — Nikita McElroy “My favorite piece from Zara is this little bright pink beaded bag. It adds a pop of color to any outfit and the beading makes it stand out from other bags.” — Phillipa Roper “This is my fave piece from Zara! Organza top with a clean shape, but the dramatic sleeves and the sexy back make it so special. It looks totally vintage but also 100% up to date. I’ve been looking for smth like this for so long!” — Amelie Stanescu “My favorite and most useful Zara piece ever was from this past spring/summer. It’s a black, boxy, structured straw bag with a top handle, crossbody, and turn-lock closure. The dual functionality of the bag, having a cute top handle and a chain crossbody strap, made the purchase perfect for walking around home in NYC and for my trip to Italy. It’s small and compact, so it fits all of my essentials but was still a really easy and chic way to polish off my outfit. I wanted to buy into the straw-bag trend but get a piece that was both affordable and timeless.” — Brittany Segal “Favorite Zara item—this yellow power suit! I have been obsessed with it ever since I bought it and have never received so many compliments from an outfit! It’s the perfect combination of funky and edgy, yet it’s classic and timeless. If you don’t have a pantsuit from Zara yet, you need to invest in one!” — Caroline Coons “This is the perfect white midi dress. It’s classic and breezy with button details—a staple when exploring Florence!” — Laura Weinberg “This dress is my favorite because it reminds me of my magical summer when I spent two weeks in Italy! The colors and lightness of fabric were simple yet made a statement. I felt feminine and beautiful while walking down cobblestones streets, eating endless pasta, and soaking in the warm Italian summer air.” — Jacqueline Black “These are my all-time favorite Zara pants! I found them during the summer sale last year. I love fun pants!” — Symphony Knight “I loved this but was hesitant to spend on it, but have already worn it like a hundred times. One of my favorite buys in general in a while!” — Lauren Black “The material is so comfy and dresses are always my favorite.” — Kaen “They are the perfect linen yellow pants. Every time I wear them, people compliment them.” — Olivia Ribera “These were my fave purchase from a year ago. I still wear them once a week at least. Love the ‘70s menswear vibe—makes for a unique but powerful corporate look.” — Katie Whelley “Snakeskin midi skirt with buttons down the middle—my all-time fave!” — Caroline Grace  “Got this sweatshirt back in October, and it’s my go-to. I love the versatility, comfort, and colors of it. I will cry the day I don’t have it with me anymore. The jeans and sneakers are from Zara as well.” — Alana Beatriz “The whole outfit is from Zara. I love it so much, I literally changed my clothes in the store after I bought it.” — Nicole Villacís “This black knit from past season! So warm and goes literally with everything.” — Núria Garcia “I wear this basically everywhere.” — Samruddhi Karandikar “The sock boot–heel hybrid is my absolute favorite Zara piece I own, and I frequent Zara almost weekly. Although a bit extreme, they go with almost anything and can be worn in any season. As soon as I put them on, I feel like a boss lady that can do anything.” — Noelle Taylor  “This sweater is four years old. I have it in two colors and have sewn it back together three times. I truly fear for the day I can no longer rely on it to go perfectly with anything and everything.” — Ayesha Siddiqi Next up, shop the It shoes of 2019 .

source https://gothify1.tumblr.com/post/183418504455

[ive-always-been-a-pirate]

The Other Prince + A CS Modern Royal AU [Chapter 3]

Modern Royalty AU: HRH Prince Killian has grown up in the shadow of the crown while enduring tragedy and the burdens of being the spare to the heir. With a desire to escape his past, he agrees to play host to the visiting general's daughter in exchange for an eventual life outside royal bounds. Moving on is never that easy though and he quickly learns that being the 'other' prince is even more difficult when you find yourself falling for the girl everyone wants your brother to marry.

Catch Up On Previous Chapters: One, Two Also on FF.net and AO3.

Word Count: 5,064

Alright, here's the next Killian chapter! Lots of backstory and setting the stage for what’s coming - I know a lot of you are anxious for Killian and Emma to meet and I promise, it’s coming! Stick with me :]

The route to the palace was a familiar one and Killian wagered little had changed since the first time a driver escorted him from Kensington to the heart of Westminster. The streets of metropolitan London were busily lined with citizens taking full advantage of the near noon bustle, scurrying along to various shops and pausing for late breakfasts at any one of the various cafes found in the downtown district. Their lives seemed casual and enviously simple, a fact that Killian tried not to harbor on as he stared out the window of the unmarked black car Liam had sent for him. It was highly likely that his dutiful brother was already well immersed in whatever task list a future king gets handed when he shows up at Her Majesty's headquarters very bright and far too early.

Such a stubborn arse, Killian thought as he ran a hand over his unamused eyes. It was probably for the best that the Queen was part way around the globe for now. The absence of their lovable yet all too proper Gran and the steaming cup of coffee Marco had brought along were the only two things lending him luck at the moment.

"Around to the back gate, your highness?"

"Aye," Killian nodded, glancing up toward the rear view mirror with an arched brow. "But are we ever going to agree on you calling me 'Killian'? I'd thought we were well beyond formalities by now, mate."

He caught the humored smile of the man in the driver's seat via the reflective overhead glass, accompanied with familiar eyes set in typical analysis and a beard almost all white as a reminder of just how long the loyal confidante had been chauffeuring the royal family around. Marco was a former carpenter and had come from Italy right around the time of the last elaborate royal wedding, beginning his work initially in one of the palace's many gardens on instructed maintenance and upkeep. It hadn't taken long for the flower loving and recently wed princess to prod him into an unlikely friendship, one that was built around what blossomed on royal grounds but eventually extended into a bond akin to family.

Killian had heard many tales of those simpler times from Marco on their countless drives together, his favorite including a time when building a royal crib suddenly became a request for the man who was more accustomed to being asked to pull weeds. He had told Killian so much about his mother over the years - how she lovingly bossed him around when it was time to select what to plant for spring, how she'd all but demanded that he attend every holiday banquet as an esteemed guest of their family, and how he'd helped her learn bits of conversational Italian while escorting her between the regal grounds and whatever location she was destined for. It was this kindly man who'd migrated to London only a few decades earlier who had been instrumental in their lives for a number of critical years, certainly long enough to see the high points and the extremely low ones. He'd claimed teasingly several times that there were very few rides more unpleasant than the time he drove the royal couple and their second newborn baby boy - one with 'strong lungs and even stronger opinions on London traffic' - home from St. Mary's on a very snowy January morning.

Killian tried often not to think about how another more devastating trip fell into the 'very few' category. Marco had been asked to escort two young princes that sad day almost fifteen years ago to the same hospital for a very different reason - one that quickly defined tragedy for all of them. His trying wasn't usually successful and today, he quickly learned, would be no different.

"Beautiful day outside today, sir," Marco commented with a nod toward the regal building. "I trust you're planning to make the most of it?"

"Aye," Killian sighed. "Always do."

The longtime royal chauffeur was like clockwork, always refusing to drop the formalities and always offering the same simple statement as he pulled up to one of the palace's many concealed enough entrances. They were words Killian had heard for years now - mostly in a resounding reminiscence - and ones he'd always struggled to take into account, despite what he'd just told Marco.

Make the most of every new day, my stubborn little prince.

Yes, his driver's encouragement sounded similar to something his mother would have prompted him with all that time ago, but as years went by, he started to notice that he couldn't be completely sure just what exactly she used to say. The memories were fading more as time carried on, her voice becoming softer in his lonely mind.

He dreaded that realization. He couldn't bear the idea of losing those last pieces of her - not when he still needed the comfort of his recollections the way he always had and not when the echoes of his mother were the only thing that made this place still feel like home.

"I've told Liam to let me know the schedule for the day once the morning gets all….straightened out," Marco said, clearly at a loss for the appropriately easy phrasing as he hit the unlock button. "Happy to take you home whenever you're ready, your highness. Are you sure you wouldn't prefer for me to get the door-"

"I've got it," Killian answered as he gave up the name battle and shoved the car door open. "I'll let you know when we're done. I'm guessing it won't be long at all."

The man's nod was slight as Killian rose from the leather backseat with little optimism, the gravel under his feet crunching while his eyes darted toward one of the distant gates. He grumbled a bit at the sight of lingering paparazzi and strode to the door in hopes of avoidance. The cameras flashing from beyond the barriers and a few faint calls of his name were surprisingly easy to ignore as he moved out of sight.

Well, at least he wouldn't have to face that type of annoying confrontation. He would never be lucky enough to escape the other sort - the kind waiting in the open entryway in the form of his sharp dressed and almost always critical brother.

"Well, you're looking a little better."

Killian fought the urge to glare at him as he all but stomped inside. Despite Liam's curt and somewhat condescending tone, he knew that he had cleaned up quite nice. He'd gotten dressed in a bit of a rush after standing in his conflicted shower for far too long and he had been immediately grateful to notice that his irritatingly attentive sibling had sent over some fresh dry cleaning that morning - a navy blue button down and some well tailored jeans that were still probably pushing it as far as the royal dress code was concerned. He'd been grateful for his ability to look the part of prestigious prince despite his terribly rough evening as he hurried out the door not long earlier, his hands quickly foregoing the execution of an expected Windsor knot with the tie he'd decided not to wear.

Not today, he'd decided after a final look in the mirror before tossing the striped fabric onto his dresser. He wasn't out to impress anyone.

"Too bad the same can't be said for your mood, but I'll take what I can get," Liam taunted, nodding absently to the side. "Alright, brother, while we don't have time for-"

"I am well aware of what the clock says and just how much she hates waiting, Liam," he replied sharply. "Now let's get this over with."

He'd no sooner headed for the central hallway when he caught a glimpse of her in the not too distant doorway, his brother's footsteps faltering behind his own. She was put together ostentatiously, the combination of her detailed black blouse and a deep red jeweled necklace offset only by the predatory look on her face. The sight of another woman standing where his mother should have been always made his eyes burn, but it never did change.

With a slight grimace, Killian began to move toward the woman who frankly had no business even being a part of their scheduled brunch - Cora, the deemed Duchess of his father's peerage and his consequential stepmother.

"Well, good morning, boys - so wonderful to see you both," she commented firmly, a hint of venom in her stare as she alluded to her apparent eavesdropping. "We weren't sure you'd make it given the past twelve….very interesting hours."

It had always been easy to bequeath her as the villain of some lost fairytale and adding an 'evil' to her title was often far too tempting for Killian. Liam was better at turning a blind eye to the woman who'd swooped in to nurse their father's broken spirit not long after the tragic loss of his wife, but Killian had spent plenty of time cataloging the quiet damage she'd so carefully created for nearly twelve years now. With everything from the decline of his father's health to her ways of subtly devaluing everything the beloved departed princess had built, it had become almost impossible to trust her or the motives she likely had. Killian still wasn't sure how the public had learned to accept her as his mother's replacement, but she'd managed to gain respect through use of her dishonest charm and the sob story of her deceased first husband. The woman had a way with earning sympathy and it was something she'd always taken full advantage of.

There was a definitely a reason she'd been quickly deemed the Queen of Hearts by the people, but it was only the royal family that knew just how appropriate the name actually was.

"We'd never intend to miss out," Liam answered for both of them, his smile nervous as he nodded toward their father's second wife. "Apologies if we're late."

"None necessary, my dear," Cora replied as she glanced in Killian's direction. "We'll save those kinds of formalities for other matters."

The words were icy as ever, but they sparked a burning fire deep within him - the kind that seemed to always simmer and then spike when he was in the presence of the woman who'd surely piss him off before the morning became afternoon. Killian tried not to meet her persistent stare as he passed by, his shoulder almost bumping hers as he walked into the large dining area where they'd shared several tense meals before.

The bright room was busy with several familiar servants who'd obviously been prepping the beautifully accented space with red linens and crystal glasses all morning. The seating was limited for this particular occasion and the dark walnut table held only a fraction of its usual gold decor and antique candlesticks. Fresh white roses had been left at the center of the wood surface and Killian noted silently that such a thing would have made his grandmother quite happy.

She always did love gifts from the palace's endless gardens - much like another royal woman once had. Watching Cora fiddle with the arrangement briefly in irritation was further proof of how drastically opposite she was of the women Killian cared greatly for and it didn't take long to surmise just how much that was about to infuriate him.

"Your father should be down soon - one of the doctors stopped by to quickly check in on him," she explained, trying to catch Killian's participating eyes. "Coffee, Killian? You….seem like you could use it."

Feeling his fingers flinch at his sides as they tried to resist the fists he was tempted to make, he ignored the warning in his brother's stare and instead met Cora's goading gaze. They'd come to secure the plans for the upcoming weekend's annual Royal Navy gala and that discussion was not going to start a feud if Liam's cautioned expression was any indication.

Just brunch, Killian reminded himself as he exhaled calmly.

"Sounds great," he finally said, taking the chair closest to the door. "If it's not too much trouble."

Cora smirked conspicuously before waving over one of the workers currently waiting for orders. No, it obviously wasn't much trouble for her to take to bossing the staff around despite the lack of their fragile father's presence, but maintaining a calm facade as she did so with that dominating glare might be - and Killian could only pray that he'd be able to get out of there before the actual impending trouble evolved.

Well, he'd tried - he truly had. Convincing himself of such a conclusion wasn't holding much reassurance though as Killian strode angrily out of the first floor dining room, but he was struggling to care as he shook his head in well known frustration.

Damn that woman and her ability to push all the wrong buttons - and damn his temper for being unable to tolerate it.

His slightly louder than necessary feet carried him down the long corridor that led out to the gardens, his steps purposeful and quick as his head pounded. Sure, the lingering effects of his long night had already put him in an irritable state, but fighting his mood in regards to his line crossing stepmother wasn't a recent undertaking. They'd been on hostile ground for years and the possibility of all out war seemed to always hang in the air despite the interferences of Liam or their ailing father.

Killian had little desire to exist in even the shadow of the crown, but the hottest parts of hell would most certainly freeze over before he'd ever let Cora wear it.

He had done his best to quell the fury in his veins throughout the course of their morning meal, trying to focus on the snippets of political this and that his brother was offering the table rather than addressing the multiple other topics waiting to be braved. It was nice to see his father in a fairly optimal state, only a dark layer of stubble covering his face and a slight cough suggesting that he'd been worse for the wear lately. Weathering more bad days as his poor condition progressed was something several doctors had told them all to prepare for, but Killian had mostly left that optimism to Liam while he tried to distract himself from Cora's judgemental expression. He'd done okay, eating enough to keep his stomach stable and sipping at a new cup of coffee as he waited for dismissal.

Unfortunately, those departing words didn't arrive before Cora decided to overstep the bounds she still didn't appear to understand. The defensive retort and subsequent act of storming out may have been a bit dramatic on his part, but enduring silently while she brought up the possibility of canceling a scheduled crucial event that he and Liam had been planning for a year wasn't something he could manage. She'd innocently claimed it was in light of the unexpected attention the family had just gathered courtesy of his wild night out, but the purpose behind her cruel conversation was pretty obvious.

She wanted him to react. She wanted him to be what half of London probably assumed he was - the rebellious royal son of the ailing heir apparent who still couldn't keep his temper in check after years of demonstrating just that. An incoming phone call for his father announced by one of the palace staff had given Killian an out and he'd taken it with a quick rise from his chair and a final, frustrated glance at the bold woman who seemed so keen on complicating his life.

"I know it means a lot to you both, but a memorial gala for your mother at a time like this will only give the public a chance to question the rather….inappropriate choices you're both unfortunately being judged for. I realize you've spent a lot of time arranging it, but holding a large event seems unwise to me given the attention recently shed on this family. I doubt that's what she'd want-"

He hadn't stuck around to hear the rest, his own halting voice cutting off hers angrily before he left the room. Cora didn't know anything about his mother or what she'd want and whatever made her think she had the right to assume anything wasn't something he could confront calmly. He'd left in a huff, but it was for the best - or so he hoped.

The walk hadn't amounted to much by the time Killian felt his pace slow. He hadn't meant for it to, merely needing to cool his nerves and create some necessary distance after the harsh exchange. He'd just reached the side exit of the long hallway when his clumsy foot tripped quickly over a corner of one of the palace's elaborate burgundy rugs - and maybe his hastily tied shoelace. The graceless move caused him to stumble slightly and after letting out a frustrated grumble of frustration, Killian plodded over to a familiar velvet tufted bench. The red material was smooth beneath him and his hand traced the grooves of the intricate stitching as he glared down at the canvas laces of his oxfords. Annoyance battled embarrassment as he reached down to tie them up while letting out a quiet curse or two. It didn't take long to do something so simple - and it took even less time for his eyes to meet the opposite wall, confirming his exact location.

Of course he'd end up here.

It was almost startling just how automatically he'd picked the route out of the palace that would lead him to pass by this particular spot. It was a well known path and one he'd chosen time after time while visiting Buckingham as a boy. Killian pursed his lips as he recalled the story surrounding the bench he was currently stationed on. He'd always loved hearing his mother recount that tale - the one about her overly curious five year old who explored every inch of the royal grounds until he eventually wound up face to face with one of history's bravest kings. Well, a portrait of him anyway.

She had always held such adoring wonder in her eyes when she told Killian of how she'd found him gazing up in mesmerizing awe at the towering collaboration of paint and historical legend that was King Richard I. Killian had never been able to fully recall that first encounter with the painting of one of England's most notorious kings, but it hardly mattered - his mother did that well enough for both of them.

He was never completely sure how she could have come to know quite so much about the fearless, controversial leader that had captivated her youngest son, but evidence from a few afternoons of research was held together in books piled high on the shelves in his father's Kensington office - her determination to learn of the fearless man's life a task she took on until she could recite his biography with adept accuracy. She'd done just that each time they'd journeyed to the palace, inevitably making their way to the company of that coveted artwork. Her words in those moments were ones he held onto with precious might, the stories resounding in Killian's mind even after all these years.

The man on the wall had been a courageous king - a militant leader and a warrior with fierce beliefs and bravery rivaling most others, she'd told him. He had a wild spirit that struggled to be tamed despite constant critique from his consorts though and his impulsivity often took the best of him, invoking a rebellion against his father from a young age and leading him into a life of warfare he'd never escaped. The stubbornness that seemed to hinder the young king - his mother had explained with a knowing look in her gaze - kept him from accepting the love of his family at times and pushed him into a world of loneliness Killian had to empathize.

It had taken some time over the years to piece together what she was truly saying, her comforting arms holding him close as she'd offered what eventually seemed like a paralleled warning. The questions he'd asked were ones he couldn't forget and they echoed through his memory each time he studied the man in the royal colors trapped within the painting.

"So he was always alone?"

"Well, not always - but mostly yes I suppose. He didn't have to be though."

"Did the people like him?"

"I like to think so. He was never the most honorable or favored of King Henry's sons, but he was fearless in protecting his kingdom - a bit relentless like someone else I know."

Killian smirked, knowing now that she had been referring to him all along. He and the historical king were perhaps a lot alike - a fact that became more obvious as time marched on and a comparison he'd come to treasure, even if it wasn't the best role model to value..

"I kind of like him though, mama, even if he wasn't always the best."

"Well, all great men have flaws, but they can always choose a proper path, son. It might not be right all the time, but the history and beauty are in those imperfections."

"Do you think one day I'll be a hero, mama? Like he tried to be?"

"I think you'll be even better, Killian. Just remember who you are - a leader of your country, even if people don't always believe in you."

"I'll never be king though, mama. That's Liam's job."

"But you'll always be something just as important, my sweet boy. You'll be a loving brother and my son, two labels a royal man can wear proudly."

An emptiness filled his mind as he followed the details of the picture with his distracted eyes - the red cloak with its gold trim, the blue uniform, the bold crown set atop a warrior's armor - and reveled in the words of his mother's final sentiment. It was what she'd often called him up until the day she had left without a fair fight and forgetting the loving sound of her voice during those little moments was high on his list of fears.

"So you think people will like me as much as Liam?"

"I know they will, my little Lionheart."

My little Lionheart, he thought silently once more as his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes began to hurt with painful silence. It hadn't been wise to find this somewhat hidden spot after the argument he'd nearly just fallen into. It wasn't fair to chance sullying such a fond yet painful memory while regret and fury battled within his broken soul, but where else could he have gone?

He couldn't avoid the opportunity to retreat to the one place in the palace that had always made things seem alright in the past - even if the unfair realization he'd be doing so alone now wasn't exactly encouraging.

"Should have known I'd find you here."

The voice was sudden yet unmistakeable and Killian let out a breath as his blinked back the moisture almost clouding his eyes. He knew he wouldn't get far before someone came hunting for him, though he'd truly expected it to be a rather irate Liam. The alternative was definitely surprising, but as he glanced to the side with an expression he hoped wasn't too guilty, Killian realized that the company he was about to gain was some he hadn't had for a while now.

"Dad," he acknowledged quietly with a nod as he fought the urge to fidget. "Sorry, I, uh….just needed some air."

"Well, you picked a good spot, my boy," his father replied earnestly, his smile calm and perhaps even understanding as he turned toward the painting. "You've always seen him as fit to confide in."

"Ah," Killian almost laughed, his focus on the artwork straight ahead. "Because I'm the defiant son and we have so much in common?"

"Well, Richard here may have led an uprising or two against his father, but I suppose he had his reasons for such actions," the elder man said with his own slight chuckle. "As I'm sure you do too."

Killian smirked without a reply finding its way to their cautious conversation. Chancing an actual look at the man before him was as difficult as it had always been, the effects of an escalating sickness making the once strong and easy going heir look nothing less than exhausted. The stages of defeat had arrived sporadically over the years - everything from the stress of two cardiac arrest episodes to the initial pain of a slowly failing heart diagnosis. The evolving symptoms had taken a heavy toll on the man who was set to inherit the throne as well as the family at his side. It would always be hard to observe the declining health of the man Killian once believed to be unbreakable. It wasn't fixable either and the failure of attempting multiple options to do so had created a thick tension in their relationship.

Nobody could change the conclusion that his father was dying so they did the only thing they could to carry on - they didn't talk about it.

"I know you don't always see eye to eye with Cora," his father started, his tone calm and caring. "But eventually the crusade has got to hit a halt, my boy."

"I….I didn't mean to be disrespectful, but I….I won't ever give up on protecting mum's legacy, Dad."

"I know, I know, and I'd dare say she'd be unbelievably proud of you for it," his father said with reassurance. "You've got that same wildly stubborn spirit she had, son, and I don't want you to change that. I just….your grandmother's annual Navy gala this weekend is a rather big deal as you know. We've got a few visitors arriving soon that will be guests of the palace and the royal family. I guess I'm hoping I might be able to reasonably request a few days of ceasefire while we show some hospitality?"

An internal groan was almost impossible to stifle as Killian thought about the impending obligation of suiting up to play proud prince for the public. Royal events were rarely his cup of tea and the fact that this once was Royal Navy related only made his dread that much worse. Yes, It was an odd way of asking for something so simple, but Killian wasn't surprised by his father's calm way of approaching the subject of a truce. The strange sense of optimism woven into the man's weathered spirit would probably never fade, a fact that would always seem senseless given the pale skin and labored breathing that was quite characteristic now.

"I suppose that's fair," Killian conceded, biting his lip as he turned toward the ailing man at his side. "But about the memorial-"

"I'd never let anyone cancel that, son," his dad told him with a soft clap of his shoulder. "Honoring your mother is something I'll alway support. Just let things simmer down for a few days and Cora will too. There's still a couple of weeks until then, right?"

Killian nodded as a hint of relief swept over him. He'd worked alongside his brother to set up the arrangements for the milestone event marking fifteen years since his mother's death and while the support of his father wasn't totally necessary, there was definitely something to be said about the realization that they had it. Watching the hint of a smile cross his the man's lips as he seemed to absorb a memory of the woman their words were now centered around was an easy way to confirm that perhaps his father's heart still held a place for that loss.

"I miss her too, son," he offered, almost as if he'd known what Killian was thinking. "Every single day."

The admission hit him square in the stomach, the well known words making his body ache as he fought back the reply waiting in his throat. You don't act like it, he thought silently before he shoved the response to the back of his mind. Such a retort wasn't fair in a moment like this, even if it was true.

Maybe he wasn't lying. Maybe he really did miss her. Maybe it was just easier for him to pretend he didn't.

"Yeah," Killian said softly. "I know."

The moment was honest and somewhat rare as far as Killian's interactions went with his father. The man seemed to prefer leaving the royal requests to Liam as of late and rarely asked Killian for much anymore, a bit of information that prodded Killian into retreat as he decided being an obedient son for a weekend wasn't that big of an ask. After all, he didn't know how many more instances he'd have like this - ones where his father's health was decent enough for them to have a candid yet motivated chat.

Meeting him halfway was the least he could do.

"Just….tell me you'll try, son."

Catching his father's sideways glance, Killian nodded with a receptive smile. It was difficult not to think of the appeal as a wish for a dying man. It was even harder to accept the reality that it might be.

"Alright then," his father sighed, tilting his head forward to gesture toward the nearby side doors. "Your brother is waiting for you - I suppose you'll want these."

Killian's eyebrow rose briefly as two black and blue rugby cleats were tossed onto his lap. He grinned quietly after a moment, his fingers toying with the recently replaced laces. Running his fingers over the shiny spikes, he mused at the idea of his brother's plan for anger management.

"I'm not even going to ask what he's got planned, but he mentioned Twickenham," his father smirked as he stood carefully with a wink. "So don't tear up the grass too bad and see if you can earn a reasonable excuse for that beat up lip, alright? Save me an explanation to your grandmother."

"Aye," Killian replied with a slight smile. "I'll see what I can do."

Tagging some lovely people: @optomisticgirl (thank you for the beta assistance, my friend), @themmaswan, @xpumpkindumplingx, @spartanguard, @harryandthecambridges, @eala-captian, @allietumbles, @kmomof4, @laschatzi, @galadriel26, @timeless-love-story, @lifeinahole27, @kat2609, @msres, @all0of0the0usernames, @captainswanismyendgame, @lovelycssefan, @hooksheroicheart, @irishcaptainodonoghue, @gonzothegreat90, @cat-sophia, @rebelcxptain, @prairiepirate, @yesplskillianjones, @jennjenn615, @xhookswenchx, @heomomka, @fckyesroyals, @lenfazreads, @cherrywolf713, @lucasxdorothy, @hollyethecurious, @fairytalesandtimetravel, @lillyanjones, @pirateherokillian, @shipsxahoy, @phiralovesloki, @jscoutfinch

*If there’s anyone who’d like a tag in future chapters, just let me know :)

[ninetynineswings]

And then it was November 16

Remember when my plans for Italy included lots of blogging to let friends and family know what I was up to, what I’m thinking, how I’m feeling about the experience, and so on? Remember how I was so worried about making sure you all saw my posts that I polled on Facebook for the best place to share said blog posts?

Well, it’s November 16, I’ve been in Italy for 58 days, and this is blog post number... 3. Well done, Daniel, well done.

I can tell you that I have written something almost every day—just not for anyone but myself. I can tell you that I’ve had a few ideas for things to share, but most of them I’ve forgotten before they could take form in reality. I can tell you that the photos I’ve been sharing are probably the best representation I have of this experience so far—even though I’ve been journaling nightly, most of that journaling has been a basic account of each day, without much pause for real reflection or analysis. Of the three parts of my “motto”, as it were, “reflect meaningfully” has certainly been the toughest to obey with so many things to see and do here every day.

So, here’s a status update. First of all, I have only 24 full days left here. 24! And that’s using “here” fairly loosely: this includes 3 days in Rome, another in Tuscany, 4 days visiting Turkey, and (if I’m not too sick of traveling) a day or two in Südtirol to cap things off. “Three months in Italy” sounded like quite a lot when I first arrived. So did “two months left” in mid-October. But when I woke up a few days ago and realized “I’m heading home in 4 weeks”, that flipped everything on its head.

Despite that, my 58 days here have been fairly packed. I haven’t traveled quite as much as the Stanford undergrads, who make an international trip two out of every three weekends, it seems. But even so, It feels like it’s been a long two months, and that feeling gets more valuable each time I notice another year go by. With Stephen I explored Venice for a whirlwind evening and Croatia for a 4-day driving bonanza. I visited Siena on my own for an emotional (and at times unbelievable) Palio race day. With the Stanford program I experienced Milan and Cremona for a weekend of music and art. With Kimberly, James, and new friends I explored Umbria: Assisi’s never-ending basilica; Perugia’s fantastic outdoor market; a wine tasting inside a 12th-century church hidden behind a wild boar hunting expedition; a farm visit conducted exclusively in Italian featuring the world’s happiest pig. All of it has been unique and memorable—sadly, I have no other grand conclusions to draw.

On the home front here in Florence, I’ve also found some wonderful experiences and lucked into others. Teaching Engineering of Opera has been a fun challenge, as well as a learning experience that I know will be valuable should I decide to stay in academia. As a class we’ve attended three operas, with two more to come, toured two opera houses (including iconic La Scala in Milan), and I’ve lectured on the acoustics of the human voice, acoustics of opera and concert halls, and engineering of opera stagecraft and set design. I had the chance to sing Mozart’s Requiem at the new Florence opera house, which was fantastic fun despite the stress of not having a single piece of concert formalwear on this continent—why did I decide to bring only my brown dress shoes? More recently I found a group of talented music nerds just a few minutes from my apartment and shared some wonderful evenings sight-reading choral music around the piano.

Outside of music, there has also been much to celebrate. I’ve discovered the wonders of Tuscan comfort food and stood within inches of Leonardo da Vinci’s own handwritten notes and sketches. Between Duolingo and auditing a wonderfully fun, well-taught Italian class at Stanford, I’m able to have simple conversations in the local language. I’ve also spent a fair amount of time in my office writing lectures, planning trips, finishing up research papers. And, much to my chagrin, I have spent some time procrastinating on all of the above. It’s easy to get into “work mode” where there exists only a task, a deadline, and the inclination to make the former fill all the time up to the latter; I tend to forget that the alternatives in this case are unique, once-in-a-lifetime experiences, as opposed to getting in a workout or an extra hour of sleep.

Finally, despite the traveling, the unique experiences here in Florence, the work, and the procrastination, I’ve found time for a couple of small creative projects. When planning this trip, I expected creative projects to fill a good third or half of my time—in reality, it’s been more like 5%. Who knew there would be other things to do in Italy?? But this week I completed a new choral composition, only my second but (I hope) one of many more compositions to come. I’m working on an autobiography, which started with the goal of having a new resource for self-reflection, but has since been propelled by the unexpected benefit of highly justifiable reminiscing. Early on in this trip I also started on a short work of fiction—I suspect it won’t amount to much, but hey, I had some fun for a couple thousand words.

So, long story short: it’s been a great and busy two months, and while I’m sad not to have more time, I’m also feeling very excited to return to the states and get back to regularly scheduled programming. My new position at Mayo Clinic looks just as exciting as it did when I tentatively agreed to the job this summer, but perhaps more importantly, I’m simply excited to return to a place where I can settle in to a community. The biggest disappointment I face now isn’t the sights I’ll miss or the trips I won’t take, it’s continuing to make new connections and having only a month to nurture them! 

Despite the short stay, I’ve found some small communities of friends here. At my local pub, Pint of View, two or three friendly bartenders serve up microbrews, cocktails and Korean-inspired cuisine (which totally hits the spot as an American accustomed to some variety in cuisine), and put up with my attempts at Italian as long as I’m willing to try. Closer to home, the street on which I live is full of character and charm, embodied by the regulars who spend almost every day outside talking amongst themselves and greeting visitors. Federico, who runs the cheese shop and restaurant downstairs, speaks only Italian and has imparted to me the wisdom of not cutting bruschetta with a fork and knife, and of referring to the hour after noon not as 1:00 or 13:00, but “il tocco”—in English, “the touch”—which comes from the single chime of the church bells at that hour. Renzo, the “mayor” of the street, is such a staple outside the restaurant that in October the other regulars had a name plaque installed on his chair. I asked Michele and Davide, the two waiters, if this was a new chair—their response, with hand gestures and a hearty laugh: “It’s a new plaque, but an old chair.”

Last night, as I returned home, I walked under a pair of workers stringing Christmas lights across our tiny little street as, ahead of me, friends greeted each other and exchanged laughs. Nothing warms my heart like a true sense of community, so although I (sadly) can’t stay longer to grow further into this community, I’m still excited to return home next month. For me the art collections, ancient ruins, Adriatic sunsets, and acquaintances made will always be great memories. But family and friends—the joys we share together, the inspiration you (unthinkingly) provide me, the support you (knowingly) lend—those are best experienced in person, and as often as possible. I’m going to enjoy my last 3.5 weeks here, but when it’s done, I’ll be returning full of excitement to grow with you and to see where this journey takes us all next.

[topmixtrends]

Two or three days like the beginning of love […] To go further would be to enter the realm of jealousy, suffering and anxiety.

— Fernando Pessoa, The Book of Disquiet

¤

AS JOANNA WALSH’S Break.up opens, the author, who is the meta-narrative’s protagonist, is well into a period of mourning a love that never quite happened. The premise of the “novel in essays” is simple: Joanna and an unnamed, emotionally unavailable man met and, while living in different cities, carried on an intense online romance. They saw each other only a few times In Real Life before he pulled away and she began to obsess over what went wrong. As she’s unraveling the affair, Joanna plans a trip across Europe with the hope that the liminal state of travel will offer room for meditation and recovery.

That isn’t to minimize the relationship. Often, those affairs are the trickiest: the ones that strand us, unable to name what that was, but ultimately leave us changed people. On her multi-city pilgrimage, Walsh is prepared to explore every angle of the romantic action and eventual fallout. And she does so skillfully, weaving the concrete details of her travels and life into an in-depth study of love and connection in the 21st century. Break.up works as well as it does in part because Walsh provides room for the reader to examine these topics alongside her, in turn accomplishing what the best essays do: stir up more questions than answers.

So much of Walsh’s writing is caught up in the emotion of travel, how we deal with back there while we’re temporarily here, and a specialty of hers is exploring grief, or the onset of grief, while on the move. In her 2015 book Hotel, part of Bloomsbury’s Object Lessons series, Walsh flees her ending marriage by taking a job reviewing hotels for a new travel website. Though she isn’t paid for the pieces, her stays are free, and the time away from everyday life allows Walsh to begin to process the confusion and pain she’s left with following the relationship’s dissolution. Vertigo, published by Dorothy in 2015, reveals a writer grappling with the complexities of marriage, frequently during travel, as she attempts to decide what kind of woman she wants to be while watching a daughter outgrow her childhood talismans and a husband turn into a stranger.

But it’s in Break.up that Walsh fully realizes this aspect of her art. Joanna knowingly throws herself into the pace of travel to be at once busy and quiet, as travel often is. Sketches of scenes play out in her mind. “I wasted my time with you,” her fading lover says. “I didn’t,” Joanna responds. These vignettes often bubble up as Joanna is doing something else (crossing every bridge in Budapest only once, for example), and they cast a foggy specter. Were these words spoken in actual conversation or made later as notes, marred remembrances of a promising involvement turned sour?

How or when these words were spoken really doesn’t matter. The collaging of ghostly memories, conversations real and reimagined, and philosophical investigations of the nature of love allows what could have been a straightforward narrative hinged on a literary trope to become a rambling hybrid essay that urges the reader to dig deeper, too.

Walsh deftly uses these ghosts from the immediate past to examine the long game of life. While in Budapest, Joanna remembers visiting the city with her then-husband when they were first married and both very young. Walsh writes,

And now I’m repeating that stop in time to grasp at who I was that time in Budapest before — so many years ago I might have been a different person in a different city — but it’s something like trying to hold onto a smell, or a color, or the feel of a string of beads passing through my hand. There are no adjectives to describe time’s passage. It can pass slower or faster, like a volume dial can turn louder or quieter, but no more than that: it has no texture, no timbre.

This meditation acknowledging the essential formlessness of time and self centers the novel of essays. As Walsh reminisces about her past marriage, she sees an entirely different version of herself, signaling to the reader that she knows this is just one story in a line of stories and that, unlike travel, life and love aren’t linear, a truth we’d all do well to remember.

Starting at a London train station, Joanna’s trip takes her through France (twice), Italy, Greece, Bulgaria, Hungary, Germany, and the Netherlands, and she’s packed lightly to leave room for intellectual baggage. Prepared to at least attempt to demystify love, she’s brought with her an arsenal of books on the topic: Alain Badiou’s In Praise of Love, Roland Barthes’s A Lover’s Discourse, and André Breton’s Mad Love and Nadja. Excerpts from these and other titles litter Break.up’s margins.

Her travels are both immediate — sitting in a cafe in Athens, she notes when a young girl comes up to touch her computer — and intellectual — watching a young couple kiss from a park bench in Sofia, she falls into a meditation on the physicality of love, the Soviet statues that once littered the city, and the boredom that inevitably accompanied her romantic entanglement. Walsh writes,

A love story comes only after the end of love, whether it ends one way, or the other, and, until the story’s told, love is a secret, not because it’s illicit, but because it’s so difficult to tell what it is.

Joanna is continuously reminded that, though the story is complete in one sense, allowing her to tell it, an uncertainty remains. Because so much of the affair happened online — through text and email, Twitter and Facebook — the connection is lost only when the wi-fi is down, leaving the relationship perpetually unresolved.

The nature of Walsh’s narrative draws the reader into Joanna’s relentless waiting game. As she enters the cafe in Athens, she’s eager to see if he’s contacted her. By this point, the reader has been told enough about the unnamed man that his silence feels like the healthier outcome, but as Joanna rides the line between obsession and erasure, what she desires becomes less clear. Luckily, spotty wi-fi gives her generous amounts of time to wander, and she takes the reader inside her jumbled, mourning mind as she passes through markets in Sofia, attends readings in Paris, and perches on a rock overlooking the Mediterranean in Nice, cigarette and wine in hand.

Break.up is as much about the loss of emotional liberty in a world that relies more and more on digital connection as it is about the loss of love. Joanna is trapped in a holding pattern — “Come to Prague,” the man writes — and the claustrophobia the online world evokes in her underlines just how difficult disappearing has become. With a few sleuthy moves, anyone can be teased out from the digital dustbin: childhood crushes, lost college friends, a one-night stand, that guy you danced with once at a Halloween party. As a result, a new anxiety has formed around allowing oneself to connect in the first place. In Break.up, Walsh shows the reader the aftermath of an exquisite falling: thinking only of immediate happiness without considering the potential for pain and disappointment, Joanna revealed herself — at least her digital self — to the fullest.

Nearly two-thirds of the way through the book, in an essay/chapter titled “Sofia/Boring,” Joanna briefly loses focus on the man she’s attempting to excise as she immerses herself in the strangeness of Bulgaria’s capital city. The lost love is still referenced, but a shift has happened as Joanna becomes wrapped up in the boredom and stagnation of travel, of what it means to carry oneself from place to place, killing time. She begins to allow herself the room to disengage.

Because of the care Walsh has taken to create both a sound investigation and a narrator strong enough to carry the reader through the book’s experimental structure, Break.up maintains its momentum to the end, even as the novel-in-essays, predictably, meanders — between past and present, obsession and distraction, love and pain. Joanna hits each city on her list, but it’s never the place that matters so much as what she experiences emotionally and mentally (and digitally) at each destination.

As Joanna finally pulls back into London, she and the reader are unsure of what awaits her. She’s returned a person distanced from the pain she felt at the book’s beginning, but the ubiquitous nature of digital contact has left her without closure. Imagining scenarios of how her disembarking could go — who might meet her at the station, what life will look like upon returning home — Walsh, defiant, declines to tie up the story, writing, “I refuse to finish this book. There is no end to love. Now, where were we?”

¤

Melynda Fuller is a writer and editor whose work has appeared in The Rumpus, LitHub, A Women’s Thing, and Poets & Writers, among others. She’s a graduate of the New School’s MFA writing program and is currently at work on a collection of essays.

The post Fighting for Emotional Liberty in Joanna Walsh’s “Break.up” appeared first on Los Angeles Review of Books.

from Los Angeles Review of Books https://ift.tt/2KqbZqS

[touristguidebuzz]

24 Things Every Solo Female Traveler Learns on the Road

Kristin Addis from Be My Travel Muse writes our regular column on solo female travel. It’s a topic I can’t cover so I brought her on to cover topics and specific issues important other women travelers! In this month’s column, Kristin reminisces on the lessons learned from traveling solo.

“You’re going across the world by yourself?! Are you sure?”

You’ve heard it before, right? Someone who means well and tries to talk you out of traveling solo, mentioning all kinds of things that could go wrong.

They can be pretty convincing, focusing heavily on the negative — but completely forgetting that there are so many more positives that come from travel. What about all of the things that could go right?

There are things that only solo female travelers get to experience (things that just don’t happen when you’re traveling with someone else). It’s like a club that almost anyone can get into but few know about. But for those of us who have done it, we know that it’s not as scary as we thought, and much more rewarding than we ever imagined possible.

Traveling the world solo has taught me many lessons and made me realized there are some truths you only learn when you travel the world solo:

1. It’s way more exciting to try a new food on the other side of the world – and find that we absolutely love it – than it is to go to a swanky restaurant back home.

2. An exotic dish somehow tastes better when we eat it with our hands. With our shoes off, while sitting on the floor.

3. Being in a hammock on a tropical beach, watching the waves roll in, whether all on our own or surrounded by new friends, is worth the mosquito bites.

4. We can say “hello” and “thank you” in more languages than your fancy car has gears.

5. Playing with a child in another language is more warming than all the designer sweaters in the world.

6. People are beautiful everywhere, in every shade, shape, and size, and there is absolutely no singular beauty standard.

7. There is no greater rush than buying a plane ticket to a place that we alone want to see and that we alone picked out.

8. It is sexier to have more stamps in a passport than watches and fancy purses.

9. A sugar rush is somehow sweeter when we’re sitting in Europe eating a chocolate croissant with a whole day of adventures ahead of us.

10. It doesn’t matter what someone is wearing, where they’re from, or what their savings account looks like. If they can carry an intelligent conversation halfway across the world, we’re more than happy to hang onto their every word.

11. Espresso really does taste better in Italy, and Panang curry really does taste better in Thailand.

12. Knowing what it looks like when the sun sets over the ocean on the other side of the globe is worth more than all the Instagram likes in the world.

13. The Facebook news feed is a lot less interesting when we have an entire day of adventures ahead of us, with no plans, no obligations, and no strings attached.

14. Maybe makeup and hair products and straighteners and Spanx aren’t all that necessary, and we look fantastic just the way we are.

15. The heartbreak later is worth the fling right here and now with this beautiful stranger with an accent from far away and the promise of an adventure.

16. Being able to say “yes” without having to check in with anyone first feels so damn freeing and satisfying.

17. Being able to say “no” without worrying about offending anyone or feeling obligated feels even more powerful than saying “yes” sometimes.

18. We’re braver than we thought.

19. We’re capable of doing things that a year ago would have terrified us.

20. No classroom anywhere will ever be a better learning environment than going it alone on the road.

21. No boardroom, job interview, or house party where we don’t know anyone will ever intimidate us again, because we know what it’s like to go solo to a country where absolutely nothing is familiar and everything is new. And we handled it like a boss.

22. There were a few blunders and “learning experiences” here and there, but we’re better off for them.

23. Out of all of the things we learned, most of all we’ll remember that we are capable individuals with a better understanding of how we fit into the world now, and that’s something that will be beneficial for the rest of our lives.

24. When the trip is over, we’ll remember these things that only we know, and what we’re capable of — and probably start researching plane flights again.

We solo female travelers know that traveling alone is an amazing gift. It gives us a chance to develop our confidence, make all of the decisions about where we want to go and what we want to do, and be the CEO of our own lives and adventures. This confidence and ability carries over into our daily lives long after the trip is over.

Our loved ones’ fear and misunderstanding of it will probably always exist. Rebuffing a few well-meaning but uninformed remarks just comes with the territory. You can often show those naysayers by example how wonderful it can be.

If you haven’t yet traveled solo but really want to find out who you are and what you’re made of, go to the other side of the world by yourself and prepare to be amazed. Don’t let anything hold you back — you deserve to see the world on your own terms.

ANNOUNCING A BRAND NEW CONQUERING MOUNTAINS EDITION

In the second edition of this book, we did updated prices, tips, links as well as:

Expanded sections on finding travel deals, staying safe on the road, banking smart, and making friends.

Expanded resource section.

New section on working overseas.

New section on saving money on the road.

Added interviews with other travelers.

This is the most robust guide to solo female travel out there and brings together the tips and advice you need – plus the perspective over dozens of women – into one place. It has helped over 1,000 women plan their trip effectively. If you’ve been thinking about going somewhere but not sure where to start planning, this book is for you. Click here to learn more and start reading today!

Kristin Addis is a solo female travel expert who inspires women to travel the world in an authentic and adventurous way. A former investment banker who sold all of her belongings in 2012, Kristin has roamed the world for more than five years and visited over 70 countries. You can find more of her writings at Be My Travel Muse or on Instagram and Facebook.

The post 24 Things Every Solo Female Traveler Learns on the Road appeared first on Nomadic Matt's Travel Site.

[theladyjstyle]

Kristin Addis from Be My Travel Muse writes our regular column on solo female travel. It’s a topic I can’t cover so I brought her on to cover topics and specific issues important other women travelers! In this month’s column, Kristin reminisces on the lessons learned from traveling solo.

“You’re going across the world by yourself?! Are you sure?”

You’ve heard it before, right? Someone who means well and tries to talk you out of traveling solo, mentioning all kinds of things that could go wrong.

They can be pretty convincing, focusing heavily on the negative — but completely forgetting that there are so many more positives that come from travel. What about all of the things that could go right?

There are things that only solo female travelers get to experience (things that just don’t happen when you’re traveling with someone else). It’s like a club that almost anyone can get into but few know about. But for those of us who have done it, we know that it’s not as scary as we thought, and much more rewarding than we ever imagined possible.

Traveling the world solo has taught me many lessons and made me realized there are some truths you only learn when you travel the world solo:

1. It’s way more exciting to try a new food on the other side of the world – and find that we absolutely love it – than it is to go to a swanky restaurant back home.

2. An exotic dish somehow tastes better when we eat it with our hands. With our shoes off, while sitting on the floor.

3. Being in a hammock on a tropical beach, watching the waves roll in, whether all on our own or surrounded by new friends, is worth the mosquito bites.

4. We can say “hello” and “thank you” in more languages than your fancy car has gears.

5. Playing with a child in another language is more warming than all the designer sweaters in the world.

6. People are beautiful everywhere, in every shade, shape, and size, and there is absolutely no singular beauty standard.

7. There is no greater rush than buying a plane ticket to a place that we alone want to see and that we alone picked out.

8. It is sexier to have more stamps in a passport than watches and fancy purses.

9. A sugar rush is somehow sweeter when we’re sitting in Europe eating a chocolate croissant with a whole day of adventures ahead of us.

10. It doesn’t matter what someone is wearing, where they’re from, or what their savings account looks like. If they can carry an intelligent conversation halfway across the world, we’re more than happy to hang onto their every word.

11. Espresso really does taste better in Italy, and Panang curry really does taste better in Thailand.

12. Knowing what it looks like when the sun sets over the ocean on the other side of the globe is worth more than all the Instagram likes in the world.

13. The Facebook news feed is a lot less interesting when we have an entire day of adventures ahead of us, with no plans, no obligations, and no strings attached.

14. Maybe makeup and hair products and straighteners and Spanx aren’t all that necessary, and we look fantastic just the way we are.

15. The heartbreak later is worth the fling right here and now with this beautiful stranger with an accent from far away and the promise of an adventure.

16. Being able to say “yes” without having to check in with anyone first feels so damn freeing and satisfying.

17. Being able to say “no” without worrying about offending anyone or feeling obligated feels even more powerful than saying “yes” sometimes.

18. We’re braver than we thought.

19. We’re capable of doing things that a year ago would have terrified us.

20. No classroom anywhere will ever be a better learning environment than going it alone on the road.

21. No boardroom, job interview, or house party where we don’t know anyone will ever intimidate us again, because we know what it’s like to go solo to a country where absolutely nothing is familiar and everything is new. And we handled it like a boss.

22. There were a few blunders and “learning experiences” here and there, but we’re better off for them.

23. Out of all of the things we learned, most of all we’ll remember that we are capable individuals with a better understanding of how we fit into the world now, and that’s something that will be beneficial for the rest of our lives.

24. When the trip is over, we’ll remember these things that only we know, and what we’re capable of — and probably start researching plane flights again.

We solo female travelers know that traveling alone is an amazing gift. It gives us a chance to develop our confidence, make all of the decisions about where we want to go and what we want to do, and be the CEO of our own lives and adventures. This confidence and ability carries over into our daily lives long after the trip is over.

Our loved ones’ fear and misunderstanding of it will probably always exist. Rebuffing a few well-meaning but uninformed remarks just comes with the territory. You can often show those naysayers by example how wonderful it can be.

If you haven’t yet traveled solo but really want to find out who you are and what you’re made of, go to the other side of the world by yourself and prepare to be amazed. Don’t let anything hold you back — you deserve to see the world on your own terms.

ANNOUNCING A BRAND NEW CONQUERING MOUNTAINS EDITION

In the second edition of this book, we did updated prices, tips, links as well as:

Expanded sections on finding travel deals, staying safe on the road, banking smart, and making friends.

Expanded resource section.

New section on working overseas.

New section on saving money on the road.

Added interviews with other travelers.

This is the most robust guide to solo female travel out there and brings together the tips and advice you need – plus the perspective over dozens of women – into one place. It has helped over 1,000 women plan their trip effectively. If you’ve been thinking about going somewhere but not sure where to start planning, this book is for you. Click here to learn more and start reading today!

Kristin Addis is a solo female travel expert who inspires women to travel the world in an authentic and adventurous way. A former investment banker who sold all of her belongings in 2012, Kristin has roamed the world for more than five years and visited over 70 countries. You can find more of her writings at Be My Travel Muse or on Instagram and Facebook.

The post 24 Things Every Solo Female Traveler Learns on the Road appeared first on Nomadic Matt's Travel Site.

24 Things Every Solo Female Traveler Learns on the Road http://ift.tt/2Esh6Tj

[jeffreyclinard]

24 Things Every Solo Female Traveler Learns on the Road

Kristin Addis from Be My Travel Muse writes our regular column on solo female travel. It’s a topic I can’t cover so I brought her on to cover topics and specific issues important other women travelers! In this month’s column, Kristin reminisces on the lessons learned from traveling solo.

“You’re going across the world by yourself?! Are you sure?”

You’ve heard it before, right? Someone who means well and tries to talk you out of traveling solo, mentioning all kinds of things that could go wrong.

They can be pretty convincing, focusing heavily on the negative — but completely forgetting that there are so many more positives that come from travel. What about all of the things that could go right?

There are things that only solo female travelers get to experience (things that just don’t happen when you’re traveling with someone else). It’s like a club that almost anyone can get into but few know about. But for those of us who have done it, we know that it’s not as scary as we thought, and much more rewarding than we ever imagined possible.

Traveling the world solo has taught me many lessons and made me realized there are some truths you only learn when you travel the world solo:

1. It’s way more exciting to try a new food on the other side of the world – and find that we absolutely love it – than it is to go to a swanky restaurant back home.

2. An exotic dish somehow tastes better when we eat it with our hands. With our shoes off, while sitting on the floor.

3. Being in a hammock on a tropical beach, watching the waves roll in, whether all on our own or surrounded by new friends, is worth the mosquito bites.

4. We can say “hello” and “thank you” in more languages than your fancy car has gears.

5. Playing with a child in another language is more warming than all the designer sweaters in the world.

6. People are beautiful everywhere, in every shade, shape, and size, and there is absolutely no singular beauty standard.

7. There is no greater rush than buying a plane ticket to a place that we alone want to see and that we alone picked out.

8. It is sexier to have more stamps in a passport than watches and fancy purses.

9. A sugar rush is somehow sweeter when we’re sitting in Europe eating a chocolate croissant with a whole day of adventures ahead of us.

10. It doesn’t matter what someone is wearing, where they’re from, or what their savings account looks like. If they can carry an intelligent conversation halfway across the world, we’re more than happy to hang onto their every word.

11. Espresso really does taste better in Italy, and Panang curry really does taste better in Thailand.

12. Knowing what it looks like when the sun sets over the ocean on the other side of the globe is worth more than all the Instagram likes in the world.

13. The Facebook news feed is a lot less interesting when we have an entire day of adventures ahead of us, with no plans, no obligations, and no strings attached.

14. Maybe makeup and hair products and straighteners and Spanx aren’t all that necessary, and we look fantastic just the way we are.

15. The heartbreak later is worth the fling right here and now with this beautiful stranger with an accent from far away and the promise of an adventure.

16. Being able to say “yes” without having to check in with anyone first feels so damn freeing and satisfying.

17. Being able to say “no” without worrying about offending anyone or feeling obligated feels even more powerful than saying “yes” sometimes.

18. We’re braver than we thought.

19. We’re capable of doing things that a year ago would have terrified us.

20. No classroom anywhere will ever be a better learning environment than going it alone on the road.

21. No boardroom, job interview, or house party where we don’t know anyone will ever intimidate us again, because we know what it’s like to go solo to a country where absolutely nothing is familiar and everything is new. And we handled it like a boss.

22. There were a few blunders and “learning experiences” here and there, but we’re better off for them.

23. Out of all of the things we learned, most of all we’ll remember that we are capable individuals with a better understanding of how we fit into the world now, and that’s something that will be beneficial for the rest of our lives.

24. When the trip is over, we’ll remember these things that only we know, and what we’re capable of — and probably start researching plane flights again.

We solo female travelers know that traveling alone is an amazing gift. It gives us a chance to develop our confidence, make all of the decisions about where we want to go and what we want to do, and be the CEO of our own lives and adventures. This confidence and ability carries over into our daily lives long after the trip is over.

Our loved ones’ fear and misunderstanding of it will probably always exist. Rebuffing a few well-meaning but uninformed remarks just comes with the territory. You can often show those naysayers by example how wonderful it can be.

If you haven’t yet traveled solo but really want to find out who you are and what you’re made of, go to the other side of the world by yourself and prepare to be amazed. Don’t let anything hold you back — you deserve to see the world on your own terms.

ANNOUNCING A BRAND NEW CONQUERING MOUNTAINS EDITION

In the second edition of this book, we did updated prices, tips, links as well as:

Expanded sections on finding travel deals, staying safe on the road, banking smart, and making friends.

Expanded resource section.

New section on working overseas.

New section on saving money on the road.

Added interviews with other travelers.

This is the most robust guide to solo female travel out there and brings together the tips and advice you need – plus the perspective over dozens of women – into one place. It has helped over 1,000 women plan their trip effectively. If you’ve been thinking about going somewhere but not sure where to start planning, this book is for you. Click here to learn more and start reading today!

Kristin Addis is a solo female travel expert who inspires women to travel the world in an authentic and adventurous way. A former investment banker who sold all of her belongings in 2012, Kristin has roamed the world for more than five years and visited over 70 countries. You can find more of her writings at Be My Travel Muse or on Instagram and Facebook.

The post 24 Things Every Solo Female Traveler Learns on the Road appeared first on Nomadic Matt's Travel Site.

from Traveling News https://www.nomadicmatt.com/travel-blogs/things-every-solo-female-traveler-learns/

[melissagarcia8]

24 Things Every Solo Female Traveler Learns on the Road

Kristin Addis from Be My Travel Muse writes our regular column on solo female travel. It’s a topic I can’t cover so I brought her on to cover topics and specific issues important other women travelers! In this month’s column, Kristin reminisces on the lessons learned from traveling solo.

“You’re going across the world by yourself?! Are you sure?”

You’ve heard it before, right? Someone who means well and tries to talk you out of traveling solo, mentioning all kinds of things that could go wrong.

They can be pretty convincing, focusing heavily on the negative — but completely forgetting that there are so many more positives that come from travel. What about all of the things that could go right?

There are things that only solo female travelers get to experience (things that just don’t happen when you’re traveling with someone else). It’s like a club that almost anyone can get into but few know about. But for those of us who have done it, we know that it’s not as scary as we thought, and much more rewarding than we ever imagined possible.

Traveling the world solo has taught me many lessons and made me realized there are some truths you only learn when you travel the world solo:

1. It’s way more exciting to try a new food on the other side of the world – and find that we absolutely love it – than it is to go to a swanky restaurant back home.

2. An exotic dish somehow tastes better when we eat it with our hands. With our shoes off, while sitting on the floor.

3. Being in a hammock on a tropical beach, watching the waves roll in, whether all on our own or surrounded by new friends, is worth the mosquito bites.

4. We can say “hello” and “thank you” in more languages than your fancy car has gears.

5. Playing with a child in another language is more warming than all the designer sweaters in the world.

6. People are beautiful everywhere, in every shade, shape, and size, and there is absolutely no singular beauty standard.

7. There is no greater rush than buying a plane ticket to a place that we alone want to see and that we alone picked out.

8. It is sexier to have more stamps in a passport than watches and fancy purses.

9. A sugar rush is somehow sweeter when we’re sitting in Europe eating a chocolate croissant with a whole day of adventures ahead of us.

10. It doesn’t matter what someone is wearing, where they’re from, or what their savings account looks like. If they can carry an intelligent conversation halfway across the world, we’re more than happy to hang onto their every word.

11. Espresso really does taste better in Italy, and Panang curry really does taste better in Thailand.

12. Knowing what it looks like when the sun sets over the ocean on the other side of the globe is worth more than all the Instagram likes in the world.

13. The Facebook news feed is a lot less interesting when we have an entire day of adventures ahead of us, with no plans, no obligations, and no strings attached.

14. Maybe makeup and hair products and straighteners and Spanx aren’t all that necessary, and we look fantastic just the way we are.

15. The heartbreak later is worth the fling right here and now with this beautiful stranger with an accent from far away and the promise of an adventure.

16. Being able to say “yes” without having to check in with anyone first feels so damn freeing and satisfying.

17. Being able to say “no” without worrying about offending anyone or feeling obligated feels even more powerful than saying “yes” sometimes.

18. We’re braver than we thought.

19. We’re capable of doing things that a year ago would have terrified us.

20. No classroom anywhere will ever be a better learning environment than going it alone on the road.

21. No boardroom, job interview, or house party where we don’t know anyone will ever intimidate us again, because we know what it’s like to go solo to a country where absolutely nothing is familiar and everything is new. And we handled it like a boss.

22. There were a few blunders and “learning experiences” here and there, but we’re better off for them.

23. Out of all of the things we learned, most of all we’ll remember that we are capable individuals with a better understanding of how we fit into the world now, and that’s something that will be beneficial for the rest of our lives.

24. When the trip is over, we’ll remember these things that only we know, and what we’re capable of — and probably start researching plane flights again.

We solo female travelers know that traveling alone is an amazing gift. It gives us a chance to develop our confidence, make all of the decisions about where we want to go and what we want to do, and be the CEO of our own lives and adventures. This confidence and ability carries over into our daily lives long after the trip is over.

Our loved ones’ fear and misunderstanding of it will probably always exist. Rebuffing a few well-meaning but uninformed remarks just comes with the territory. You can often show those naysayers by example how wonderful it can be.

If you haven’t yet traveled solo but really want to find out who you are and what you’re made of, go to the other side of the world by yourself and prepare to be amazed. Don’t let anything hold you back — you deserve to see the world on your own terms.

ANNOUNCING A BRAND NEW CONQUERING MOUNTAINS EDITION

In the second edition of this book, we did updated prices, tips, links as well as:

Expanded sections on finding travel deals, staying safe on the road, banking smart, and making friends.

Expanded resource section.

New section on working overseas.

New section on saving money on the road.

Added interviews with other travelers.

This is the most robust guide to solo female travel out there and brings together the tips and advice you need – plus the perspective over dozens of women – into one place. It has helped over 1,000 women plan their trip effectively. If you’ve been thinking about going somewhere but not sure where to start planning, this book is for you. Click here to learn more and start reading today!

Kristin Addis is a solo female travel expert who inspires women to travel the world in an authentic and adventurous way. A former investment banker who sold all of her belongings in 2012, Kristin has roamed the world for more than five years and visited over 70 countries. You can find more of her writings at Be My Travel Muse or on Instagram and Facebook.

The post 24 Things Every Solo Female Traveler Learns on the Road appeared first on Nomadic Matt's Travel Site.

from Traveling News https://www.nomadicmatt.com/travel-blogs/things-every-solo-female-traveler-learns/

[caveartfair]

7 Artists Reinventing the Ancient Art of Mosaics

From the floors of ancient Pompeii to the walls of the New York subway, mosaics have been a feature of urban life for thousands of years. Beloved by hobbyists and DIYers, these assemblages, typically created by arranging pieces of glass or stone, are often categorized merely as craft, reducing their appeal to artists who would prefer to avoid those associations.

Yet there are others, not so easily dissuaded by the medium’s workaday reputation, who have approached it with an inventive spirit. The famously experimental painter Jack Whitten explored the form by creating tesserae, or mosaic pieces, from slices of dried paint that he shaped into sculptural forms resembling stone or tile. While many of the artists that follow don’t exclusively make mosaics, each is determined to push this often intransigent medium in a fresh direction.

Jim Bachor

B. 1964. Lives and works in Chicago

Jim Bachor, LIAR, 420 North Wabash, Chicago, May 2017. Courtesy of the artist.

Jim Bachor, Push Up, 835-849 North Hudson Avenue, Chicago, May 2015. Courtesy of the artist.

Jim Bachor, Hot Sauce Packets, 3650 North Hermitage, Chicago, May 2017. Courtesy of the artist.

Jim Bachor, Bomb Pop, 443-449 North Armour Street, Chicago, April 2015.

If you’ve spent any time traversing the city of Chicago on foot, you may have stumbled across one of Bachor’s pieces. They’re installed in potholes across the city, brightening the pavement with images of everything from rocket pops to tulips to Burberry plaid.

Bachor is impressed by the long history of mosaics, but he also resists it. “Mosaics carry a lot of baggage. There are entrenched, preconceived ideas as to what they are,” he continues. “My approach is to try and drag mosaics into the 21st century by exploring contemporary subject matter, modifying techniques, and rethinking the process when I can.” Bachor’s interest in advancing the medium has led him to create mosaics that are meant to be viewed with 3D glasses and others that incorporate the actual material of the object they depict—Starbucks coffee or carbonized Twinkies mixed into the mortar in which the piece is set.

But it was the longevity of mosaics that first caught Bachor’s attention during a visit to Pompeii in the 1990s. “I can still remember the guide saying that marble and glass don’t fade, so the artwork looked essentially like the artist intended almost 2,000 years ago,” he says. “It’s the thought that drives my work to this day—the idea of making an enduring mark in this world, however slight.”

Isidora Paz López

B. 1975. Lives and works in Hinterweidenthal, Germany

Mosaic by Isidora Paz López. Courtesy of the artist.

López is known for her ambitious public art projects that have covered thousands of feet of her native Chile in mosaic tile. She loves the form because it makes an impact on the community and gives her a chance to go big. “With mosaics you can make meticulous work with tiny pieces and precious little details, but you can also use big pieces and make huge things, like murals, interventions in architecture, and urban art projects,” López says.

In 2012, she assembled a team to create mosaics depicting native flora and fauna on over 80 pillars along a metro train line in Puente Alto, a suburb of Santiago, Chile. Then, in 2014, López went even bigger: She organized the 1st International Urban Mosaic Intervention, a two-week-long event that brought together some 80 artists from 22 countries to create a massive mosaic on the facade of a municipal building in Puente Alto. López sketched out a basic design on the wall in chalk, but each artist was free to choose whether to follow her lead, to modify the design, or to deviate from it completely. The biggest challenge of the project was making the seams where one artists’ work met the next feel harmonious, but in the end, López was pleasantly surprised. “The result was much better than expected,” she says. “Friendly collaboration, compromise, and the talent of the artists made it possible to create something cohesive and beautiful. It was really magical.”

The generous notion of a mosaic as a catalyst for communal bonds, and a site where disparate components can meet, is at the heart of López’s practice. “You can use a wide variety of materials, from the most luxurious ones to recycled objects or materials collected from nature,” she says. “I mainly use ceramic tile, but I love to experiment and mix it with other things.”

Benjamin Lowder

B. 1974. Lives and works in Otter Lake, Illinois

Benjamin Lowder, Eve (from his “Myth, Math & Magic” series), 2017. Courtesy of the artist.

Benjamin Lowder, El (from his “Myth, Math & Magic” series), 2017. Courtesy of the artist.

Benjamin Lowder, Formation, 2017. Courtesy of the artist.

Benjamin Lowder, Kether, Chokmah & Binah (from his “Myth, Math & Magic” series), 2013. Courtesy of the artist.

Rather than the traditional glass or stone, Lowder’s mosaics are composed of reclaimed wood, often sourced from barns, and metal signage—materials that reflect his Midwestern milieu. In some, bits of hand-lettered typography appear in a reorganized jumble. It’s like looking at an old country store through a kaleidoscope. And yet, references to religious icons and celestial phenomena suggest a sort of spiritual geometry, taking Lowder’s compositions beyond remixed Americana. They’re more reminiscent of the diagrams in illuminated medieval manuscripts.

Lowder’s current body of work uses triangles of reclaimed wood and vintage metal signs as the base unit for his mosaics. “Many of my aesthetic choices about how the triangles fit together in my works are based on the proportions and patterns of natural growth structures,” the artist explains. He’s interested in “self-similarity,” a mathematical phenomenon sometimes found in the natural world, in which each individual part is a nested reflection of the whole—as is the case with ferns, snowflakes, and cauliflower. It’s easy to see why mosaics would offer the ideal medium to explore these relationships.

Jason Middlebrook

B. 1966. Lives and works in Hudson, New York

Jason Middlebrook, Underlife, 2010-13. Courtesy of the artist.

Work by Jason Middlebrook. Courtesy of the artist,

Middlebrook’s mosaics can take on mythic proportions, as in the case of his giant tentacle-like root forms covered in glass or stone. “I started working with mosaics because I wanted a material that was painterly yet could also act as a skin for sculpture,” Middlebrook explains. His monumental outdoor work Underlife (2010–13) glitters with glass tile, making the work seem almost animate, a hungry creature on the hunt.

Middlebrook cites Louis Comfort Tiffany and Antoni Gaudí as inspirations for his work, particularly in terms of their committed attention to detail and meticulous techniques. Yet the enduring association of mosaics with craft irks him. “I don’t like that mosaics are labeled ‘craft,’ so the challenge is to make them into a contemporary medium,” he says.

Middlebrook’s work has changed dramatically from when he first arrived in New York in the mid-1990s to participate in the Whitney Independent Study Program. “I was making air freshener sculptures and drawings of muscle cars—think Richard Prince meets Robert Smithson,” he says. Those works were a far cry from the mosaic of delicate flowers that Middlebrook created in 2011 for the Avenue U subway stop in Brooklyn. “I guess I got seduced by the material and its generous possibilities,” he concludes.

Takako Hirai

B. 1975. Lives and works in Ravenna, Italy

Takako Hirai, Giardino segreto (secret garden), 2017. Photo by Giampaolo Solitro. Courtesy of the artist.

Takako Hirai, La mia tana (my hideout), 2017. Photo by Giampaolo Solitro. Courtesy of the artist.

Takako Hirai, La mia tana (my hideout), 2017. Photo by Giampaolo Solitro. Courtesy of the artist.

Takako Hirai, Vene (veins), 2017. Courtesy of the artist.

Hirai first fell for mosaics while on a university trip to Rome as a painting student in 1997. Originally from Kumamoto, Japan, Hirai returned to Italy in 2003 to study mosaic art, then moved to Ravenna permanently in 2005. At first, Hirai worked in a mosaic studio and saw the practice as more of a day job, albeit one that could inform her painting. “I did not know anything about mosaics, or even any mosaic artists,” she says. “I discovered the possibilities for artistic expression while training.”

Hirai’s work, with its natural shades, gentle gradations of color, and irregular stones, feels earthy. She often captures natural moments of growth or change—a sprout breaking the surface of the soil, or wind blowing in the leaves of a tree. Other, more abstract compositions mimic the sparkle of light on water or the impression of a crater in stone. Hirai emphasizes that the cracks between the tesserae are an important avenue for communicating meaning. “I utilize the space between fragments and hide feelings there that I want to keep secret,” the artist says. “But I also want that feeling to appear in the landscape when you look at my work.”

Enzo Valentinuz

B. 1946. Lives and works in Romans d’Isonzo, Italy

Enzo Valentinuz, Hawthorn, 2013. Courtesy of the artist.

Enzo Valentinuz, Building, 2012. Courtesy of the artist.  

Valentinuz’s art is inseparable from the Friuli-Venezia Giulia region of northern Italy. His fascination with this part of Italy stems from the area’s striking beauty as well as its dark history; the Italian border where he was born and still lives was the site of bloody battles during World War I.

Originally trained as a fresco painter at the Academy of Fine Arts of Venice, Valentinuz would have an encounter with nature that ultimately turned his attention toward mosaics. Fifteen years ago, during a walk on the Karst plateau—a rocky plain that extends from northeastern Italy to western Slovenia—he noticed the way that the beauty of rocks contrasted with the landscape’s painful history.

“I felt the violence of cannons and mortars as the origin of the splinters falling all around. It occurred to me to use those broken stones, which had seen or felt the fighting, as a pictorial element in my artworks,” he explains. Rough-hewn, often painted, and arranged in orderly grids, circles, or towers, Valentinuz’s stones suggest modern-day menhirs or collections of raw pigments sorted according to color.

Cassandra Emswiler Burd

B. 1983. Lives and works in Dallas, Texas

Cassandra Emswiler Burd, My dreams will pull you through this garden gate, 2014. Photo by Kevin Todora. Courtesy of the artist and Dallas Contemporary.  

You might argue that Burd doesn’t make mosaics at all. The Texas-based artist uses whole tiles, rather than broken or cut ones, to make her work. Yet she employs them to the same end: creating patterns and images via a process of assemblage. Burd’s compositions look like one thing at a glance, and quite another upon closer inspection. Her tiles are printed with photographs of her family, home, and environment, but at a distance they appear to be the quotidian patterns you might find on a kitchen floor.

Burd is interested in how tile can create architectural space as well as how it can hold memories. “The history or conditions of the site in which the tile is installed are always a primary concern,” she says. “I’ll often incorporate photos of the site into the design, or the graphic motif might derive from its architectural features or commemorate a person connected to the place.”

Among her interests and influences, Burd lists French philosopher Gaston Bachelard and the history of landscape, gardens, and vernacular architecture, and her work reflects this mix of theoretical concerns and functionality. Since buying a home, she’s been installing her own tile in the bathrooms and kitchen. “This leap into domestic space has been exhilarating,” Burd reports. “The tiles are inspired by the pattern on the kitchen floor of my childhood home. So being able to bring them into the space of my first home as an adult is like the completion of some sort of sacred loop—it’s very special to me.”

from Artsy News