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averyconradwilde · 7 years

Text

Introduction

Hi, I'm grateful that I found other de-transitioning and re-identifying womyn on here. I'm 48 years old and I medically transitioned FTM 26 years ago. I started T in 1992, underwent mastectomy in 1994 and hysterectomy in 2003. I was considered ‘very passable’ by social standards. I served as an FTM support group facilitator and transgender youth advocate, and I worked as a cultural competency trainer for human services organizations wishing to better serve transgender clients. At no time during the early years was I aware of any doubt/regret/grief or did I ever have any reason to think I was misdiagnosed. In fact, during my ‘honeymoon period’ of the first 10 years, I was blissfully happy. (Anyone who wants to proclaim that I was ‘never truly trans’ is out of their fucking mind).

However as time went on, if pressed, I could admit that there were some things about my transition I was deeply disenfranchised about. My mastectomy surgery was complicated by a post-surgical infection that resulted in a failed nipple graft; this resulted in full loss of sensation and additional scarring on one side that I had not expected and I experienced extreme shame about this. My boyish chest and my plans for shirt-free living had not materialized to my satisfaction.

I also identified as a gay male and I experienced a level of sexual rejection from gay men (which I had frankly never experienced from straight men when previously living as a woman). I let this eat away at me and really undermine my sense of self. I began to feel extremely inferior and inadequate about not having a penis and extremely shameful and loathsome about having female anatomy. I eventually did find love and settle down. However, for the first 10 years of my relationship, I was convinced that at any moment my partner would leave me for a ‘real man’.

I began to experience a growing sense of despondency regarding the fact that my transition had come to a plateau and there were still no truly viable options for phalloplasty. My previous experiences with surgery made me very doubtful that the scar tissue, possibility for necrosis, loss of sensation, etc. were risks I would ever be willing to take.

Regular check ups revealed that I had an ovarian tumor and needed a hysterectomy. After this surgery, I experienced another post-surgical infection and had to be re-admitted for IV antibiotics. About 5 years after that surgery, I began to experience painful sex and frequent UTI- which doctors diagnosed as atrophic vaginitis attributed to estrogen deficiency and longterm use of testosterone. I began treating it with a topical estrogen and a prophylactic antibiotic regimen. The antibiotics gave me yeast infections. Now I was in a position to require life-long medical intervention to treat the side effects of life-long medical intervention. The irony was not lost on me.

The good news is that my intimate partnership persisted and eventually I was able to finally experience being present in my own body during sex without the mental gymnastics of having to fantasize about having a penis. What I experienced was a genderlessness/formlessness/freedom that I could only describe as spiritual. This happened very gradually through no effort on my part to change my orientation or identity. And this experience was not at all rooted in ‘internalized transphobia’; which is an explanation that some folks would offer to debunk the validity of de-transition as an act of liberation.

However, this experience of freedom from dysphoria and being at home in my body also came with a high degree of cognitive dissonance. I felt slightly guilty; like I was somehow betraying my queerness by no longer mentally exercising a strictly bob-on-boy masculine identity. And it was challenging to my self concept to learn that the very thing that made me want to be male in the first place (fantasizing/feeling a phantom penis) was something that now was not only unnecessary, but was actively causing my own suffering.

I began to desire wholeness and being at-home in my body without despising my anatomy and without wishing for other anatomy. I finally realized that I was grieving my natural, non-medicated pre-transition experience. Even though I could not remember a time when I hadn’t wanted to be male, I now knew it was possible to love myself as a female bodied person and I began to wonder how my life would have been different without the need to filter every moment through the lens of wanting desperately to be male.

Furthermore, I came to despise the masculine role I'd taken on. I realized that I no longer had the close bonds with women I’d enjoyed before and that I was grieving this level of intimacy. And I could finally really see evidence of white male privilege in my own life and I became saddened and appalled at my failure to be an ally to women and people of color. During times when I tried to speak up on behalf of challenging sexism and gender stereotypes, I felt that my words were misinterpreted as ‘mansplaining’ and that my passing as male so successfully meant that I was forever an outsider to the people who I shared such a fundamental experience with. I started to hate my own paralysis and complicity in the toxic masculinity and racism which mainstream culture is so clearly seeped in.

In therapy, I eventually came to the conclusion that I transitioned too young (age 22), under the wrong circumstances (abusing street drugs) and for the wrong reasons (self-loathing rooted in misogyny and untreated trauma at having been a rape and abuse survivor). This gave me a new lens with which to think critically about my choices and the desire to heal these parts of myself that I abandoned by unconsciously seeking to obliterate them through transition.

For the last 3 years I've been exploring social de-transition through wearing what would typically be considered ‘feminine' and/or ‘androgynous’ clothing, using gender neutral name and pronouns, and reclaiming my body. I am actually enjoying my own femaleness and I no longer obsess on any rare instances of gender dysphoria. I've removed 90% of my facial hair and 60% of my body hair through laser treatments. I'm taking a modest dose of estrogen, Gabapentin, and a low dose of T to cope with debilitating hot flashes.

I am now so permanently masculinized that I am usually perceived as MTF- although I sometimes pass a female if I’ve had a very close shave and I am dressed very stereotypically ‘female”, and if I use my voice very quietly.

My instinct is telling me to proceed with legal de-transition because now that I'm learning to appreciate my body, I'm finally feeling more pride and alignment with being female and desiring to have my public identity synchronized with these experiences.

However, if I am to be completely honest about it, my tendency is to sometimes fixate on restoring myself physically (as well as possible) to my original pre-transition condition when no amount of new medical interventions are ever going to undo what has happened; let alone fully heal everything I’ve been through. The healing has to come from inside.

Furthermore, my partner of 19 years (who I dearly love), is decidedly gay and although he tolerates my new androgynous look, he’s expressed a feeling of not being attracted to my more ‘feminine’ side. After building a life together, adopting and raising two young children together, I have a very hard time with the possibility of risking all that when maybe I could be content with a genderqueer or gender neutral identity.

Anyway, I'm not looking for advice, just support and community.

#ftm detransition

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coolthetruth · 8 years

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Candid Conversation with tsprincessdiva AKA Rachel

Hey guys this is a little interview I did with Rachel. She is very cool and down to earth like I said earlier. Thanks again. Sorry if the text looks weird. First time doing this. Enjoy.

coolthetruth

So where are you from?

tsprincessdiva

Well I was born in caguas , Puerto Rico and now I live in Lyons , il

coolthetruth

When did you come stateside?

tsprincessdiva

I moved to Florida which I was raised in Florida since I was 4 years old , I moved from Puerto Rico to Florida at the age of 4

coolthetruth

Why did you come to Chicago?

tsprincessdiva

I came to Chicago to start my new life. When I was younger I was very confused on who I was , so I left my family and started exploring live here in Chicago which started my transition

Life

coolthetruth

When did you realize that you were a woman?

tsprincessdiva

When I was born and saw my moms pussy I was done lol. Well I knew something was different about me since I can remember. I was a very feminine young child and my family used to beat me. Especially my father he wasn't having it

Can u see how femine I was lol

Even had booty shorts on in this pic lol

coolthetruth

lol no I cant tell

I don't think most young boys are really displaying overt masculinity at that age

tsprincessdiva

I was very feminine

coolthetruth

I don't remember a lot of 4 year olds gripping their nuts and screaming where the hos at that age lol

tsprincessdiva

Growing up I was a big feminist

Lmao I was sucking dick at 2 years old Hun lol

First time ever putting a penis on my mouth

I remember like it was yesterday

coolthetruth

2 years old?

you can remember that far?

tsprincessdiva

Yea my cousin and i

Yes I was like maybe 2 or 3

But yes that was something dramatic in my life so I do remember

coolthetruth

you didn't get caught did you?

tsprincessdiva

Perfectly

Nope

One time I did when I was 14

I got caught sucking my best friend dick

I was grounded for months

And I was not allowed to hang out with him anymore after we got caught and when I was 14 that was my first puppy love

tsprincessdiva

We would sneak in the woods and see each other and talk

And then we would have to walk out different times so no one would see us together

coolthetruth

So your family never accepted you?

tsprincessdiva

Eventually he hated me all this time til this day

Nope they still don't accept me

My mom kinda

But she still uses male pro nouns

coolthetruth

So you started transitioning when you left from your family in FL?

tsprincessdiva

Yes , I started my transition over two years ago

And I'm not really 24 in actually 29

coolthetruth

Now I remember the CL ads and I thought to myself for someone starting out you look pretty good and natural

But it was obviously difficult transitioning

tsprincessdiva

Yup that was me I used to go my Raquel or Rachel on cl

Very

coolthetruth

mind sharing those stuggles?

tsprincessdiva

Well my struggles where I had a lot, fitting into society was the biggest struggle I had. And feeling comfortable with myself. Another struggle with man no one wanted to love me, they all jus used me for sex

tsprincessdiva

A lot of guys don't understand that the reason why we escort is because we don't feel like men treat us with respect or treat us like women. They treat us like animals

Another struggle I'm going through right now is loneliness. Transsexuals are evil and they want to destroy you as much as they can. All trannys want to be better than others so friendships between transsexuals is very dangerous

They can

And no man wants to date a transexual escort unlesss he's old and ugly lol

coolthetruth

You'd be surprised lol

tsprincessdiva

Another struggle was finding a place to stay my family would not except me in their home no more once I started my transition to this day I still have a struggle especially cause I have bad credit

coolthetruth

So what do you look for in a guy? What are your turn ons? Turn offs?

tsprincessdiva

Well I kno a lot of guys are Guna call me racist after this

Cause that all they kno how to do

I really like Latin man, I perfer Latinos only because

I'm Latina and I want to be with another Latino I really love dark hair and dark eyes

A clean man who's not only smart but accepts me for who I am

I've dated a black man before as white Guy's and Asian guy and all types of men

But with I seem to have a good connect more with Latin men only because we both have a lot in common

And mostly because all I kno is too cook Puerto Rican food so lol

coolthetruth

Most people go with people of shared cultures, backgrounds, etc

coolthetruth

So escorting

whats been your best and worst/craziest experiences?

tsprincessdiva

With ?? Escorting

coolthetruth

yes

tsprincessdiva

Ur my best experience silly

Lol

Actually one time I had an outcall and I only asked for 400 I walked out with $1500 and we never had sex he was an amazing person. I talk to him till this day and this man has been nothing but amazing to me and in my life

My worse

tsprincessdiva

Was not so long ago I had this guy he's a Sissy Boy and he put on nylons fishnets glasses and he gone off for hours and he made me fucking with a whole bunch of different dildos and then I fucked him he was snorting Coke and smoking cigarettes and then like you keep on fighting and leg shake up on coming out his ass it was the worst

He has shit coming out his ass

Had

He told he it was Guna be messy

coolthetruth

lol

at least he warned you

tsprincessdiva

Lmao

Yea

Was horrible

coolthetruth

so whats the best thing about escorting?

tsprincessdiva

Nothing only the money good

coolthetruth

whats the worst?

tsprincessdiva

And now it's even worse

Worse people making up rumors and telling me I need to lose weight I'm too fat

People saying I'm positive when I kno I'm not

And that ter review some tranny "Galen " wrote about me

Saying I shitted on someone's hand bullshit

coolthetruth

lol

so obviously you aren't an escort all day

what do you on your free time?

tsprincessdiva

Obviously

Lol

coolthetruth

Whats you hobbies?Interest?

tsprincessdiva

Usually I'm out clubbing cooking cleaning relaxing pampering myself getting my hair done and my nails done and just running errands

But I'm about to start school soon

coolthetruth

what are you going to school for?

tsprincessdiva

Cosmetology that's all I'm good at really

coolthetruth

lol you say that so negatively

coolthetruth

So what are your long term goals? Where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years?

tsprincessdiva

Lol

tsprincessdiva

Well my long-term goal is to get out of the industry either get into some porn and stay in school and get a career

Or just quit and just to school and just do me

10 years from now I'm hoping to be in love with a career in a home and fully transitioned to a woman

tsprincessdiva

I will also like to win a transsexual beauty pageant which they have a lot here in Chicago which is one of my goals

coolthetruth

You want to be a porn star?

tsprincessdiva

I do if it happens it happens if it doesn't it It doesn't

coolthetruth

and by fully transition you mean reassignment surgery/

tsprincessdiva

Yes

coolthetruth

Well hopefully you achieve those goals

Now lastly

tsprincessdiva

Thank u

Finally lol

coolthetruth

for all your blog admirers, thirsty tricks (me lol), chasers, jealous trannys, etc

any thing you want to say or let them know?

tsprincessdiva

Never give up on yourself because at the end of the day you only have yourself, and you only live once. For all my haters sucked his dick get the fuck off my business and worry about urself, and for all my tricks Y'all dont know what you have been missing still for the ones I have not met me yet . And to my regular clientele I love you guys so much you guys know how personal we are together I always try to give you an amazing time always something different and always try to keep myself clean and always make sure I use condoms with every client I have doesn't matter what I want my clients to go home to the wife and kids clean, and discrete .and I cannot stress this enough always use condoms always. And to my special clients regulars that I've been seeing for over a year ,that have seen me transition in the last two years , that You've been there for me . those guys are amazing man those men have been nothing but a gold to me in my life I really do love you guys and really do care for u

coolthetruth

Yes guys be safe

Thanks for talking with me

tsprincessdiva

Thank u @coolthetruth can't wait too see u again Hun

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lorainelaneyblog · 7 years

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‘I think, God, that you are showing too much interest in Loraine for your true feelings, and, she is right, she is getting an ego over it, so let’s move on to you now. [ ] has said the following to many friends, Loraine “Read it, you’ll love it, and you’ll hate it, and then you’ll love it.” And, here is a present for you, [ ], you are an intellectual too, not a highest, not a high, but a medium, and you have as many, though you are much smarter, because your parents took care of your brain, and despite the quality of Vancouver's water, gave you water from the NSA filter, well done, [ ] [ ]’s water was bad, Loraine, and his memory is not as good as [ ]’s, it’s not, but he is still very smart and he studies and he is better, at what he does, and we won’t state it, than any woman in Canada, better, Loraine, better, Loraine, and yes, it is male dominated, and he does well among the men, and yes, to be truthful, he doesn’t really like girls that much, and yes, you are right, that is not in line with your orientation, but it is not uncommon, especially today, and especially in light of the numbers of women in the work place. At the risk of boring Loraine, briefly, she identifies, you will love the book, competition as a female deficit, and--’

‘The reason they fight so much.’

‘Exactly,’ says God. ‘You have a real fan in [ ], Loraine, and he’s liked a couple of your things, and agreed with the war monuments thing, even though you regretted it, because you are a woman, and you try, try, try, to stay out of men’s business, like war, she does, [ ], she overstepped that day, in light of the right movement in the south, she agreed that war monuments should stand, but she felt stupid, and like a racist and she’s not a racist, but she’s Trump supporter in terms of immigration--’

‘As the Europeans.’

‘They have less land, though.’

‘And she feels guilty about that too, but she has some great theories about the one child policy, not only that it is genocide but that, since better looking couples give birth to more girls, they are more inclined to emigrate--’

‘Brilliant.’

‘But bringing, in the face of the rampant facial destruction of Canadian girls, better looking girls to Canada.’

‘Is that why she doesn’t like it?‘

‘It plays a role in competition and Loraine was very hurt that so many white men turned to Asian women.’

‘She didn’t want me though.’

‘Tell him that, Loraine.’

‘That’s mean.’

‘What?’

‘Well, when I went to Spain, being ugly myself--’

‘I’m not ugly.’

‘I didn’t mean that. I’m saying that the better looking Chinese men came later, because ugly people and smart people immigrate, and it’s the smarts that knocks you out too.’

‘You never get ahead.’

‘Right. And men with small penises, also apparently.’

‘Did that play a role?’

‘She was penis blind.’

‘I’m bored with her.’

‘She is relieved.’

‘Who is this woman?’

‘She knows you, and I haven’t told her, but she loves you already, and she wants you, and you will be happy when you find out who it is, but I want you to take some steps into dating again, because she is not as messed up as you. He went to hookers for a time, Loraine, but he never met, that’s right, Loraine, he couldn’t overcome their pasts, he needs a woman with less experience than most of the women he has dated.’

‘How do you justify this theory, because it doesn’t exactly hold any water.’

‘It really doesn’t, you are right. I guess it’s projection, I’ve done it, been overly attracted to slutty women, instead of seeking my own experiences, it’s hard to put yourself out there, and particularly so for men in the sexual realm. Further, where there are men, there are bisexual experiences, and also, let’s face it, probably more women.’

‘It broadens the playing field. You might dump the partner for someone better.’

‘He’s right. Further to that, because they are slutting, whether in the past or the present, it gives you license to leave them.’

‘People take advantage of sluts, they do.’

‘She knows that.’

‘She’s not a slut, though.’

‘She is so,’ says God.

‘50′s bored, Loraine,’ says Eminem.

‘It’s redundant. We know you.’

‘We needed to help [ ] [ ] tonight, so, unless we lose this work, we have helped him, and he is an excellent character, who has never faltered--’

‘Has she?’

‘She wants to know why you are so interested in her.’

‘Because I loved her, and then she went south.’

‘She never went south, never. She is, and [ ] knew her well enough to know some of her intellectual limitations, and he, now, believes my word, that she is the new messiah.’

‘But, why?’

‘Read the blog. He’s smart. And he was thoroughly pissed off at first because he thought--’

‘Her again.’

‘You’re bringing it about.’

‘Okay, give me a hint with this girl.’

‘Nothing. Look. And that’s it.’

‘Is she attractive to me?’

‘He’s overlooking her,’ say Eminem and 50 Cent. ‘Why? Is she ugly?’

‘She’s not as pretty as he wanted, but she’s in love and she’s devoted, and that’s all I’ll say.’

‘Is she as smart as me, just finding out now that I’m a highest intellectual, you were saying, her again, that intellectuals bond irrespective of gender, God?’

‘Yes. Now let’s move on. I can’t help him because he is acting on his bitterness, and he needs to find a way out.’

‘Do you have any suggestions?’

‘Don’t go for dinners, suggest a walk, perhaps if you’re thirsty, and you like her, obviously, get out of the date if you don’t, buy a drink, non alcoholic, and that’s it.’

‘Are they taking advantage of us, financially? Because it’s a source of bitterness for me, that women get all the sex and all the money. That’s why, and nurses are bitter about it, Loraine, because they put out, and pay too.’

‘What about you, are you paying and getting nothing?’

‘That’s what’s happening.’

‘Yeah. I’m not like that.’

‘You’re professionally like that.’

‘It’s a job, I treat my boyfriends accordingly.’

‘If you have it, you share it. You were always a feminist.’

‘Which is why she had to go pro,’ says 50 Cent.

‘Why, though? Couldn’t you stop? I had to stop, because they were bleeding me dry.’

‘Same. And I wasn’t that crazy, but it was obviously a choice between celibacy and prostitution.’

‘What do I do for sex though?’

‘I guess if you work your way out of bitterness by doing what I suggested, this is common right now, and couples are everywhere in this town, I believe, with their superior work aptitudes that men pay and women screw, but don’t pay unless you get something back, so a casual date is better, it’s undoing the wrongs of the past.’

‘Women got too big for their britches.’

‘Yup.’

‘As did men,’ says God. ‘But we are moving off of you, [ ] [ ], because this is the book and I want you to read it, [ ] will know you and forward the information.’

‘How do you know?’

‘She tried, tonight,’ says God, ‘and this is something you should, should, should, should, do, to find you on Facebook, go on bloody Facebook, please, [ ] [ ].’

‘Why should I?’

‘Tell him that, Loraine, that’s an example of true bitterness. A woman gave a client of hers a nice threesome with another man--’

‘That was his gift? What about the other man?’

‘Exactly. That’s what he thought, and, when she didn’t reply to a curious inquiry, polite as the day is long, and certainly within the “decent interval” to use a joke, a great joke, by none other than the great chef [ ] [ ].’

‘Did she do him? Because everyone was jealous of him, because he was so good looking.’

‘And she agreed, but do you know who she did finally meet at a party and make a subsequent date with? The great slut of the 15th Field Artillery Regiment, [ ] [ ].’

‘Oh, you didn’t.’

‘Yeah, why, what do you know about him?’

‘Everyone did him. Even she did him. What was he like?’

‘He was always pleasant, and I realized that because [ ], and that other girl that was with the unit for awhile, when I was the nefarious civilian instructor, announced it to me when he walked by. He had a nice penis, but it was a soft, snake and he couldn’t, couldn’t, couldn’t, come, and that is why, I surmise, he had such a terrific turnover.’

‘You didn’t want him.’

‘No, he was irritating.’

‘Did he leave his boxers.’

‘LOL. Oh, how I hate to be a cliché.’

‘You’re funny, Loraine. He must have gone through so many boxers.’

‘I eventually married, and she loves my limp snake, Loraine, snakes are awesome, but mine doesn’t come, so we make love, and she comes, and I masturbate.’

‘Is this common, Loraine?’

‘Yeah. Really common, especially for whores, I think.’

‘True,’ says God.

‘Because mine works and I can’t sell it.’

‘When was your last date?’

‘About five years ago.’

‘So--’

‘God’s telling me to get back in the game. [ ] is saying there was a dream which was influential to many with the upshot being, If you are unwilling to stand up for desire, you might as well be the devil. Is this true that you are good at analyzing dreams? Why don’t you become a therapist?’

‘Loraine, from this book--’

‘Her again.’

‘She is my new messiah--’

‘What is that? Like Jesus, fucking, Christ??? I’m sorry I questioned you, but I had trouble believing, despite Mary fucking Magdalene, the bitch--’

‘Why the bitch?’ asks 50 Cent. ‘You’re Catholic, I asked, Loraine, what do you know?’

‘We lost some material, and it was yours, [ ], so sorry, but, I am God, and, Loraine knows this--’

‘Of course.’

‘Don’t be bitter. You are wonderful, and so is she, but she is my baby. And, so you know, Loraine, [ ] and [ ] have both been informed of the book and the blog through [ ], and don’t feel bad, please, that people are reading it, only feel bad that we are losing material, [ ] [ ] is a highest intellectual, and it was certainly, certainly, certainly, certainly, not lost on him that Mary Magdalene ripped off and eschewed Jesus, and 50 Cent may do the same, Loraine, at his own peril, because he is bitter too, [ ] [ ], even though he can pay for sex, because nobody loves him for himself, same as you.’

‘Why don’t they love my dick?’

‘Loraine is right, women have got around a lot, it’s not entirely their fault--’

‘Because I, God, and I agree that Loraine Laney, and you helped [ ] with that, Loraine, because he didn’t hate women as much as [ ], because, strictly because [ ], you work with them, and he works for them, as, I won’t say. But, they get laid more, and the nurses shoot high and then pay the price, I told Loraine and she is right--’

‘Is she a slut, God? Because I can’t take it anymore. What about my orientation?’

‘The higher men, their height describes their physical and sexual intelligence. You’re not as high as a high medium.’

‘Who’s my counterpart?’

‘A low medium. Also, the people with lower physical and sexual intelligence, tend to have a higher intellect.’

‘Not as intellectuals,’ says God, ‘which run the gamut, but as thinking people.’

‘So the Asians.’

‘He’s smart, I told you.’

‘How’d he know that right away?’

‘Ask me.’

‘How’d you know that right away.’

‘We think we’re smarter. And that’s what we think.’

‘Why don’t you tell people that instead of proving it all over the environment?’

‘Funny, Loraine. And Chinese men, Asian men, were eschewed, weren’t they, by their own kind, was it a penis culture? And what about you? You don’t need all that.’

‘No, but we are soul mates now. For being out.’

‘Oh, I see. Your life has been hell.’

‘Yeah. Yes, but this is why the Asian men were eschewed:’

‘Why? We’re too small.’

‘I know I overstepped and, small as I am, walked on black women to get to 50 Cent, and I was wrong in that. But this is what happened with Asians. I learned that men are tasked to devote themselves to education and career--’

‘True. While women whore, and put themselves through school. They say nothing, marry well, and put up with cheating for their entire lives. My mother wasn’t like that. Some are. And it is normal.’

‘We should learn from the Asians about prostitution, for sure. But, and we all failed, whites turned to monogamy, and that seemed like a better deal--’

‘Than the husband who cheats. But they were sluts. And they got so much.’

‘And that’s what the book deals with. How marriage becomes impossible for men in light of women’s sexual experience.’

‘That’s true. Who’s had more, me or this woman, God?’

‘You have.’

‘Seriously? And I know her. I thought I had dated every slut in ten miles in [ ], Loraine, seriously, you get down there, and no matter how sweet, they all smell. Does she smell?’

‘Not yet, though she has had a couple of bouts but she reins it in and never tricks men.’

‘[ ] gave me warts and I didn’t know how. Did you friend her?’

‘I’m afraid so.’

‘She won’t friend you, she’s picky, and she never liked you.’

‘Okay.’

‘You don’t care.’

‘[ ] [ ] didn’t friend me.’

‘And that hurt you?’

‘Hurt, no, but, duly noted, I was on my brother’s side.’

‘It’s because you have too many friends.’

‘She’s famous,’ says God. ‘You will see. It’s really interesting, now, change the blog because 50 Cent has been trying to speak to you for two days now.’

‘I’m done.’

‘You’re ahead. Well done. Now find her. Don’t look, tip, at the pretty’s, such as you always do, but look for the light in the eyes, you will pimp her a bit, but she will be mostly faithful, allow you to catch up, and always, always, always, stay ahead of her, she will, and she is bisexual friendly, she is, she knows this.’

‘Why did you say, “I think I want the men to be straight?”’

‘The high men I saw in gang bangs were always depicted as straight.’

‘Oh yeah, that’s true.’

‘What--’

‘Enough, [ ].’

‘Okay, I want to talk to her.’

‘You will, on the ether.’

‘She is very important then to you, God? She wasn’t even up.’

‘And she impressed me how she did without any help from me, truly, she’s the best, and I love her, and we even have sex, but you can’t have sex with me, because I’m one of the few males, save the twelve point five percent of monogamous, of which you are not one--’

‘I’m not? I always thought I was better than them. Is [ ] better than them?’

‘[ ] is better than some, but not others, I appreciate you [ ] because you did not do as he did, you had some fun, and got your willies out, smell notwithstanding. Stop.’

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