#I thought ofmd would be the most heart destroying one

[ebperidot]

I kept looking at the remaining time like a fool. Such a naive being I was.

[totallyboatless]

I've been sitting with this post for a bit trying to decide if it's TMI. So warning at the top, I'm going to talk about my experience being demisexual, what's that meant for my relationship with sex, and how ofmd hits a particular note for me that other media hasn't quite been able to do.

I've been trying to figure out why ofmd makes my stomach flip consistently, even months later, even having engaged with the show as much as I have. It makes me feel romance in a particular way that destroys me. I've enjoyed other romance stories, there are definitely some that have made me melt, but nothing quite like this.

And I'm wondering if the reason it hits different has to do in part with being demisexual. My personal experience with that identity, I do enjoy sex, but it's on different levels. I've only been capital-a Attracted to maybe three people in my life. I've had sex with plenty of people I wasn't capital-a Attracted to, it's still fun, but it's ultimately a different experience. More neutral, more take it or leave it. Like "this was a good time, I don't regret this happening, but I also could have watched a movie and had a similarly good night."

But I'm realizing part of being demi might be the fact that sex, while enjoyable, isn't the thing that makes me feel that UMF the most. It's when I got a text from someone that they wanted to drive an hour to fall asleep next to me. It's when I've woken up with breath on the back of my neck from someone I couldn't wait to spend the day with. It's when someone stopped in the their tracks to kiss me because I said something that made them laugh. It's when someone I cared about kissed every one of my finger tips.

There was a sensuality to all of those things that lead to a more intense sex life with those people, but the sex was good because it was them, it was about my care for them. We could have been having sex literally any way and it would have felt the same to me. Because it's not really about the act for me, it's about closeness with someone who has my heart.

And ofmd has that feel written all over it. It feels like the people involved in this show understand how, for some of us, a foot touch can be just as sensual as getting naked with someone, and why a feather light kiss can be just as intense as having someone push you against a wall.

I think it's a misconception that people on the ace/gray-sexual spectrum don't experience deep stomach aching desire. I think we just experience it for different things sometimes.

I'd be interested to hear from other demi/ace/gray-sexual people on your thoughts and if you've had a similar experience. Feel free to hop in my asks if you wanna be anon.