#I wish getting dolled up and trying to mak emore of my hair didn't trigger my body dysmorphia

[chatonmagique]

So I know this is basically my own sick body image fucking with me because most people would be happy to hear what has been bothering me.

I think it dawned on my boyfriend that we've been together for almost 5 years already. But basically my he said to me that he sometimes wonders what it would be like to be together with someone else but then realizes that he likes being with me more and doesn't want to be with anyone else. Shortly after that he said he "I don't need to think "whoah 😍" everytime I see you. I just feel very comfortable with you and want to be close to you" Clearly he loves me so what could possibly bother me you'd think? Well I basically hear. "Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be with someone else, since I don't get all that excited at the sight of you, but I'd still rather be with you because I love you".

Emphasizing the idea that I'm plain but lovable even thought that wasn't even the focus of this innocent comment out of context. So ofcourse insane creature that I am I try to act normal and ask some questions about what that would mean going back and forth something like this:

"Well I heard that a good relationship can feel like being married for 5 years and just feeling really comfortable without that spark, I must admit though for me it's been a mixture of comfort and starting out with a mild spark of being in love. I like being both confortable with and attracted to you"

"Well ofcourse when you look all sexy with red lipstick I like that (which honestly I never wear), and when sometimes you look nice you know I say it to you. Besides ofcourse I also like your butt"

"So you mean having a nice outfit and makeup makes a big difference in percieved attractiveness then?"

"What? no.. *gets distracted*

"When I put on makeup and we're not going out even you ask what I'm doing because it isn't neccesary. Well I suppose some people wake up looking all hot and lovely"

"Noo way. Not like they do in movies. They would in reality wake up with smudged makeup on their faces"

Of course none of these answers made me feel at ease because my mind is playing tricks with me in what should be a perfectly healthy situation. Genuinely being loved and not having to look all that great just to be happy and comfortable together. What did I expect. I look all natural and simple most of the time since we don't go out much. I'm sure he doesn't despice looking at my face. Some days he even thinks I look nice. I'm well aware that should be more then enough.