#I wronged the day actually it was 23th😤 it has a reason for me get to remember the exactly day that this happened...

[celibibratty]

(sigh), yesterday was the day, the day that changed everything, the day I saw that damn story, whenever December 23th arrives I always think about that, i will talk about this day cuz i think It's important for me to talk about this💨, I even remember the clothes I was wearing that day, I was wearing a blue tank top with flowery purple short, it was 2019, I was in the bedroom and it was almost night, I was watching this ao3, checking to see if there was any new sean x daniel story, and I updated the page and with that a new fanfic appeared (which was this damn story), I looked at the tags and saw that the story was happening in blood brothers and there was something to do with rape/abuse, I thought "hmn, this must be just another story of Sean acting like a freak (and I also i used read all of the stories,so)", I put it on, the story had started with the first red flag, which it was the fact that the person put the homies from ep 3 (cough, cough cassidy) in it and made daniel being supeer okay with that 💢🔥, and i get super pissed because in the story the person put that daniel was jealous of finn stealing sean from him tho in the game daniel is jealous of sean WITH CASSIDY NOT WITH FINN!!!💢🔥(and in the story there was cassidy in the middle), i thought it was so stupid, but keep reading, well, then we got to the shocking part, I got to the part that is close when things...start happening, and I realized that daniel had some weird dialogues and a very strange way for being the victim, I just remember that I felt a pain in my stomach, a bad feeling and thought "wait!?, is daniel who going to do this to sean?, no, no, it can't be, it can't be that", then I went down and I got to the naughty parts, I realized it was really Daniel and I thought "yeah, it is", I was so shocked, so disgusted, it never crossed my mind to invent Daniel doing this to Sean, I never pictured Daniel that way (he was my bratty💧, the sassy pretty kid💧), i never thought of daniel like that with sean, i didn't imagine them like that even in redemption (even daniel being more masculine), imagine then in bb, never!, I got super anxious, I started to shake, my breathing was so labored, I couldn't even breathe, but my mind forced me to keep reading until I finished, because I thought that if I kept reading, if I endured it maybe it would hurt less...

(it's almost like I knew that from now on this version of their pair would be more frequent, so i should get used to it, a-and I didn't wanted to sound boring, or different, I don't understand why I thought that way, I don't care what others think, but at the time I remember that I didn't wanted to be different, i didn't wanted to be the only one), I felt like snow white in the scene with the trees, I had finished reading, totally devastated and a bit numb, I saw that there were some comments, I wanted to see even for maliciousness, i wanted to see if someone was complaining about this shit, but no, and to my surprise every single person that i knew that were the ones that "enjoyed" sean x daniel was praising it, i felt (sigh) so betrayed, the comments people saying things like "possessive daniel is so hot", " oh, daniel topping sean is such a concerpt that should be more explore" and I was like "no, what do you mean?, daniel is not like that, I thought you liked it them together because it was cute💧", I felt horrified, it was everyone, I remember throwing the phone on the bed in horror, then I got up and went to do my tasks to reflect a little, before I talk about this part I need to talk about another situation/fanfic that have a great influence on that day, but sometimes I forget about it (well, before this damn fanfic appeared, the most recent and famous story was a story that had a kinda of lolita vibe, that's what I call this story, the lolita story vibe, this fanfic was also one that had/has a kinda of heavy/nonsense vibe, but I had read it and thought it was okay, I even kinda of...liked it at the time💨, but then one day someone made a comment saying that they didn't like the story very much, because they thought sean didn't seem like sean, he was very pervert and that the story had a kind of strange vibe, very heavy, and the person didn't like it very much, I was so ashamed, I hadn't thought like that, I thought it was okay, I got like "yeah, y-you are right, this story is do weird💧💨"...

continuing, I remember cleaning the cats' potty and mentally saying "I hated this story, I thought it was disgusting, horrible, I want the person who invented it to suffer, I thought it was horrible" but then another voice appeared saying "no ana, don't say that, it's not cool to talk like that about other people's work, the person probably worked hard on it, the story was huge), but I thought "i don't care, I thought it was nasty, I hated it, that was horrible", and then the other voice said "oh, ana, but the lolita story was also horrible, and YOU liked it!, you don't have the right to complain, if you liked that one, now you'll have to like this one too" (it seemed like a dispute between my mind and my heart), I felt so bad, I wanted to take it away from me, but I couldn't open up to anyone, I was thinking about marina, what was I going to say to her?💧, I didn't wanted her to see these dolls like that, I didn't wanted that she sees them like that now too, I didn't wanted her to remain like me, I think it's horrible, but I swear I would give this story a kudo even though I hated it and it made me feel so sick, but it was because I thought that maybe giving a kudo I would feel less bad for having hated it, I finished doing what I had to do, I went to the bedroom and when I updated the page of this ao3 the story was gone, it gone in the same day(it seems like it only appeared to mess with my head cuz it gone right after it), the story had been deleted (and thank god it was gone, i swear i would have given a kudo if it hadn't and i would never-forgive-myself-for-it), i got so relieved, i even felt...happy, but what had it done to me , it was done, even relieved, I still felt strange, I felt that I had lost something, and I say, I feel that on that day I lost my love for these dolls, after that it was never the same, tbh i feel like i lost everything, everything that meant to me (my love for this dolls, my confidence, my stability, a-and my creativity)