#I’M SOBBING HYSTERICALLY BC MY WHOLE FUTURE I HAD PLANNED WITH YOU

[bakudekublogblog]

kacchan is so much gayer than I would have ever been able to reasonably anticipate

[sipisttoo]

even numbers!

2.  Would you say that you have a “type”?  Have you ever crushed on anyone outside who’s not your type?

i don’t think i rly have a type????? im just.....super easy when it comes to girls kjfsdbkjbgjksdgbsdkj 

the closest thing to a consistency i have with physical traits is i...generally like girls that have darker hair i think??

4.  How do you let your girlfriend/partner know you appreciate her?

i am...the most verbal person alive when it comes to positive emotions so i have like... no qualms just saying “i love you” every 4 minutes jdksbgkjsgbdjk

i also rly like physical affection and like...cooking for girls so like. there is That as well. 

im trying not to make myself sound super clingy but kjsdbgjksjkdgbsdbgjkskgj

6.  Would you like to have kids or pets with a s/o someday?

absolutely to both! itd have to be a while into the future bc i dont want to have kids til im married and i dont want to get married until i have a steady job and all that but. having a family is like. a big Long Term Goal for me

8.  Most embarrassing thing you’ve done in front of a cute girl?

besides every time ive made an ass of myself by not recognizing when im being hit on?

i have...more than once... spilled shit on myself bc i got distracted looking at girls, then because i got nervous at my Moment being noticed dissolved into unstoppable, semi-hysteric laughter jkgkjsdgbjksd

10.  Have you ever accidentally outed yourself?

jfksdgbjksjkdgjdsk yeah

my auntie was asking me abt men id met at college and i just sort of. without thinking. yeah. 

(luckily she was ok with it but like... shes the only one on my dads side who Knows for a reason jksdbgkjsdg)

12.  When did you first come out?  Was it planned?  How did it go?  What advice do you have for people who are planing on coming out?

haha uh. baby gay sob story. i didn’t actually get to come out

background info: i was raised in a southern baptist town in rural kentucky so, as any god fearing southern baptist child would do when they’re 12 years old and thinking about kissing their best friend but too scared to go to the church, and know that even though their mama aint christian, there’s no way she’d keep that from their daddy who is, i went to a guidance counselor and asked for. yknow. guidance. 

a day or two later, i had a doctor’s appointment. while me and my mama are getting lunch afterwards she gets a phone call and takes it outside, leaving my dumb 12 year old ass to continue enjoying my cordon bleu from arby’s, happily oblivious to the fact that the goddamn school called her to let her know they were worried about me 

so

there’s that sjdkbgjksg

mama took it well as she could. she made sure i knew she still loved me and all that, but she did tell my daddy the next day and we had a whole family discussion and all that. daddy doesn’t get it and mama still asks if every guy i’m somewhat friends with is someone i’d be interested in dating, but they love me and that’s what matters as far as i care

so i don’t really think i can give much advice on coming out besides the general like. wait til you’re ready to come out, don’t feel like you have to do it right then and there as soon as you realize you’re feelin somethin, especially not if it’s maybe not the safest environment for you. safety comes first. 

14.  Favorite baby gay story?

sdahfbhsfkj i dont really have one i dont think?? unless you count me at age like... six or seven just constantly replaying the video for shania twain’s ‘don’t impress me much’ dsjbgjdg

16.  Do you have any favorite characters who are canonically lesbians?

jfdngjdfj i’ll b real,,, first thought is forever and always Haruka and Michiru from sailor moon,,,, god i love them

also like. “favorite” is a strong word but. god when i was like 12-13 and super into anime and discovered strawberry panic??? lmfaooo

18.  Do you have any favorite lesbian ships?  Are any of them canon?  If you could make only one lesbian ship canon (pre-existing ships included), which one would you choose?

jksdbjgksd i mean. haruka and michiru are Very Much Gay And In Love sooooo

jksdbjkgjksd i got sailor moon on the mind bc me and my brother were watching it the other day sorry ksdhgbkhsdg

(honestly like. just make all of the characters in sailor moon gay. whether they’re in relationships or not just. they’re all gay now.)

(what im saying is: exclude tuxedo mask from the narrative. that’s my wish.)

(god he’s creepy.)

20.  Do you have any advice or words of encouragement for young lesbians who are just becoming aware of their sexuality?

sdgbkjsdgj im awful with words uhh

honestly like just. take your time. and especially with how we like to talk on tumblr i think this can’t be noted enough: don’t rush into a relationship, don’t rush through all the stages of a relationship at once - take a breath. slow down. you’ve got time. 

[i-amusemyself]

All the stationary.

Ahhhh ty!!! I can’t tell if you wanna know that much bc you gaf or not though.....

Paranoia aside imma overshare either way!! *finger guns*

gel pen: when are you most comfortable?

I mean, I have anxiety so that just doesn’t happen much lmao! My first thought though was when I visit my favourite place, a little corner of a field with amazing views where I’m always on my own. I love it there.

ballpoint pen: tell me about the day you’ve just had

The day I’ve had was hell, so I’d rather relive yesterday.

Yesterday I woke up and binge watched supernatural; actually remembered to eat for once then was actually motivated enough to do revision. I got into hysterics over a tumblr post so quickly decided it was a day I should be avoiding hella emotional stuff....10 minutes later I was watching the last ever episode of prison break and sobbing uncontrollably at every word. In the afternoon I went out but not before losing my phone which was exactly where I left it. By that point though I was so late I had to speed walk at least 2 miles to the next village, where of course my friend arrived flanked by two pretty decent looking guys. I honestly looked like a tomato with water retention issues at that point so I’m sure that was a fabulous first impression. Then we got over to our revision session at the library early so went to the pub instead which was a dream; didn’t get any alcohol though because you can’t revise biology while hammered. Believe me. Then I stayed up late enough to get my ass whooped last night but it was so worth it because even though it turned into some sort of snapchat contest, I was laughing my ass off the whole time it was amazing. 

That enough of a day for you?fineliner: what’s your greatest achievement?

I used to train with the england basketball team, and I played for East Midlands. That was a pretty cool experience.highlighter: what are your best qualities?

Jfc, plural? Idk! I’m pretty motivated? And I always make an effort to tell the truth (if its good, otherwise I keep my mouth shut).

greylead: what is something you want to try for the first time?

Being attractive. Being loved. Need I go on? Oh and also giant zip-lining.felt-tip: describe your aesthetic

My bedroom looks like an ikea showroom lmfaooo so whatever that is. Weird architecture and cacti and random objects in neat little storage places.

But equally like, overgrown graveyards mixed with roses and anything black. Depends on my mood.crayon: your earliest childhood memory

Treading on a bee and having to have the sting removed from my foot lmao

scrapbook: something from your childhood that makes you smile

............um??

Okay there was this one time we found an old camera in the loft. I must’ve been 3 since my dad was still there. Anyway we all went out in the garden and it was such a normal little family thing, but it’s the only time I ever remember that happening. It’s got my parents waving and looking happy and me sticking my head out from inside a little wendy house grinning and it’s so cute. It’s the sort of thing I wish I’d had more of.

sketching pad: describe yourself from a stranger’s point of view

A lanky thing approaches. It has a stereotypical lesbian haircut, bad eyesight and appears to have given up on all things fashionable. It’s shy and awkward, so makes you feel extremely uncomfortable too. It appears to be reasonably friendly, but occasionally says things that don’t make a single bit of sense before desperately looking around the room looking for more small talk inspiration. You’re overall impression is it’s a pretty boring human being, probably totally harmless, but would be incredibly easy to replace.notebook: what’s your favourite quote?

I have a couple of little quotes I remind myself of on a daily basis, ranging from song lyrics; “darling you’ll be okay” and “the sun will rise and we will try again” to “pick your fights” and “you gotta give a bit of yourself to get something in return”. I kinda live my life by those.paper: what kind of book would you write?

I have absolutely no idea! I can’t see myself ever having the motivation to write a book.stapler: out of all the people you know, who do you think you are closest to?

My best friend @only-slightly-dangerous who literally knows me so well it’s scary! She can literally message me out of knowhere and know from 3000 miles away if I’m in pain.glue stick: what do you look for in a lasting relationship/friendship?

I can’t be dealing with people that lie or are fake or whatever. So definitely honesty. Also people just being themselves and not being afraid to be weird or whatever, because that’s when I relax a bit lmao! I guess a decent sense of humor too? And someone that doesn’t mind you asking questions or whatever. Idk. Sometimes you just click with people without being about to put it down to a specific characteristic.tape: tell me about your longest friendship

It wasn’t very long. 

I mean I had “friendships” through all of primary school but that doesn’t really feel like it counts. Secondary school? The first girl I made friends with and was really close to for 5 years is now like,,, someone I honestly can’t even stand to hear about soooruler: what line will you never cross?

I could never cheat. eraser: what do you consider to be your biggest mistake?

I’m not sure. Maybe not standing up for myself more at school and at home. There have been occasions where it would have been totally reasonable but I just shut up and let shit happen so I’ve spent a lot of time beating myself up about that stuff.

Also, and I know I shouldn’t but, I still spend a lot of time thinking about a boy at our school who killed himself and I never knew him but I still wonder if I could have done anything.scissors: ever had a bad break-up?

Nothing hella nasty but I don’t really talk to any of my ex’s at all.calculator: list fifteen things that make you happy

Lmaooo I’ll do my best!! Okay so music; concerts; friends; seeing other people laughing; making people laugh; stand up comedy; hella good art; hearing people tell stories; sitting and listening in the middle of knowhere; thunderstorms; exploring; helping people; good food; the sound of rain on the roof; cuddling and tumblr.protractor: an unpopular opinion/angle you have on an issue

Pinapple is good on pizza.sticky note: something about yourself you’d like to change

I feel like I have no personality so like,,,I wish that could be better. I wish I was pretty. Or attractive or whatever. Oh and I wish I could sing those hella high notes because I feel sorry for the neighbours atm.stamp: a date that’s special for you and why

25th March because that’s the day my life changed just enough for me to carry on.bookmark: a book that means a lot to you and why

I always just say Numbers, but honestly it was the first ever book I cried at and I feel like it helped me understand the world a little more.folder: describe your family

How long do you have? I mean, it’s quite a small family but I’m not that close to any of them. Most of them are just pretty conservative living in little nuclear families. I didn’t used to get on too well with my dad but we’ve got a lot closer. I still don’t get on with my mum very well though bc she’s abusive. welp. whiteboard: tell me your plans for tomorrow

I’m gonna die a slow, painful death by revision and then recover when I go to my dad’s and walk Borris.blackboard: tell me about a memory that has affected who you are today

All those memories are locked away in a place I can’t get to and I think it’s best to keep it that way for now.

A low key one is probably when a friend once told me nobody cared about me or what I had to say and I’ve basically been mute in most social situations since XDpinboard: what are you focusing on in your life right now?

Exams. A level exams. Just one more month and I’m freeeee!!!tablet: tell me your plans for the future

Start a fresh life at uni and get this degree. Then who knows? I’ll probably go and get another degree and I’m pretty sure I’ll end up doing medicine.stencil: who are your role models?

I don’t have very many. Kaitlyn Alexander for sure, because they really helped me understand who I am and start to accept it. Also Luke Cutforth because I love his YouTube channel but also a lot of things he’s done related to mental health have been helpful and I relate a lot.envelope: tell me a secret

I’m going to my end of year prom in a shirt and tie and I haven’t told anyone yet and I’m scared shitless. I’m still gonna do it though!!

[queerbycrs]

superlong about personal life stuff under the cut (cw for animal death briefly mentioned) (also sorry)

so uh. got home from school this week, my mom said we could go out for dinner so we did and that was great, and before our appetizers arrived she told me that we’re moving this summer.

to kelowna.

if you don’t live in bc, that’s like. not super far away from where i live (which is the greater vancouver area) but it’s. it’s. it’s in the interior. it’s four hours away. it’s next to a giant lake, sure, but it’s hours away from the ocean. last time i was there was over christmas to visit my dad’s family and i got a nosebleed from how dry it was and it was -12 the whole time. it’s in the middle of the mountains. my cousin’s dog got killed by a coyote in their backyard less than two months ago.

and i’ve NEVER MOVED. i’ve lived in this house since i was born, my brother was BORN in this house. i’ve literally never known anything else. i’ve only ever “lived” one other place, and that’s my school, part-time (and it’s around 3-5 hrs of travel away, in the opposite direction, so that’s. that’s lovely. lol). and i’m moving to the interior where it’s dry as hell and gets both hotter and colder than i’ve ever dealt with for more than maybe a week at a time. I LIVE IN THE MILDEST CLIMATE AREA OF THIS ENTIRE COUNTRY. I’VE NEVER EXPERIENCED REAL TEMPERATURE CHANGES.

anyway. my mom told me. i ended up sobbing at the table, and i felt both terrible for our server and really fucking angry at myself for being A Girl Sobbing At A Table In A Restaurant Like A Fucking Dumbass. and my mom was apparently s h o c k e d that i would react like this, and expected my brother to do way worse (idk how he reacted because they told us separately. which makes sense but yeah)

and my dad told me LAST WEEK that he wants to KEEP OUR HOUSE HERE FOREVER, because we were talking about the housing crisis in van!!!! and i calmed down some at the restaurant when my mom said that they’re looking into keeping our house here if at all possible, and tbh that’s the only reason i managed to calm down at all. and i know it’s unrealistic -- i mean, especially if we want to get a decent house, because this house is tiny and not too great but the land value is so high that we could easily get a mcmansion if we sell it -- but i think i need to??? hold on to that for a while???? because i’m. still kinda crying. i saw something vaguely sad after the meal at the restaurant and started crying again and my mom gave me the keys so i sat in the car and cried hysterically for probably about five minutes while she paid.

and also this is so minor esp compared to the fact that lol i cannot make friends for the fucking life of me and my three-ish decent friends all live here, and my closest friend definitely can’t travel to kelowna probably ever (because she can’t drive and won’t ever be able to) but also i have a cat and a dog and i have fucking panic attacks about letting my cat outside in this tiny neighbourhood with three cars an hour and no dangerous wildlife whatsoever and i can’t let my dog offleash under ANY circumstances because i panic about it and lol, it’ll be SO GREAT to be in the middle of the mountains with the fresh fresh memory of my cousin’s dog getting killed by a coyote. lol.

and also super minor but when we were there over christmas we drove through.... i guess like downtown-ish and stopped outside starbucks for my mom to get coffee and my dad pointed out the bookshop and said that hey, wouldn’t it be nice to live somewhere with a bookstore like this? to which i was like, yeah, there’s like one bookstore in my entire city probably, that would be kinda nice. (with the idea that maybe i could move there temporarily to work or smth because cheaper rent than vancouver, while maintaining the ability to go back HOME.) which now makes me sick to my stomach because apparently my parents were seriously thinking about it at that point and yet NEVER. FUCKING. MENTIONED. IT. i even ASKED why my dad was CONSTANTLY LOOKING AT KELOWNA REAL ESTATE and my mom LITERALLY SAID THAT IT WAS A PIPE DREAM OF HIS TO RETIRE THERE. (he is nowhere close to retiring)

and also i had actual plans, maybe, to go to this small university that i can get to via transit easily from my house, maybe do a foreign exchange... like i had a plan. sort of a plan. for a couple years into the future. and i guess just? not? lol?

i just. there’s no point to this, i just wanted to write it out. sorry. idk.