#I’m gonna try prioritise myself just a little tiny bit more

[wellfine]

Hey so I rambled for like a million words on Sanji’s and Zoro’s and a little bit of Luffy’s characterisation re: living for the sake of other people vs. yourself inspired by @eastdemons recent very good character analysis so I tucked it behind a read-more to spare you all

(WCI spoilers)

realised/remembered that Sanji as a child went seamlessly from being born to exist for the sake of others (his biological family), to wanting desperately to exist for the sake of others but being rejected and treated as though his very existence were a nuisance no matter how hard he tried, to finally finding a sort of unspoken crude acceptance with the Baratie and Zeff which was conditional (in his own mind) on him existing for their sake instead, that he finally had a target to project his rejected desire to be useful onto, to finally have a reason to exist and a tangible benefit he could point to - “if I weren’t here, then the Baratie wouldn’t run as smoothly, cook so nicely, defend itself so strongly”

and sure, tethering himself to that one floating restaurant meant he could never actually go out and achieve his own dreams but he was used to that, he had already accepted from childhood that his life never belonged to him, that he existed for the sake of others and self-sacrifice was naturally a part of that to the point he didn’t even consider it “sacrifice” any more but rather just the natural order of his birth. Like how you know to queue at the supermarket because that’s what your parents taught you. I don’t know if he ever even would’ve registered on a conscious level that that’s how he thought of himself? You could argue that a lot of the Straw Hats (maybe even all of them, in their own way) believe that sacrificing yourself is "natural” to do when your convictions are on the line, like Luffy’s acceptance of his fate at Loguetown, but Sanji’s is different. The Straw Hats might say, “it’s only natural to risk yourself for what you believe in,” but Sanji believes “it’s only natural that I would sacrifice myself for others.” The others all may have a sort of “put your money where your mouth is” attitude towards self-preservation (even Usopp and Nami), but moreso than any others I think Sanji says “no, the rest of you, sit down. None of you get to sacrifice yourselves, that’s foolish. Only I may die for the drama of it all”

So even at age 19 it’s not until Sanji meets the Straw Hats that he even considers the choice of living his life for himself, based on what he wants, and not what others want or need from him. Like obviously he cared about Zeff and the Baratie and he did genuinely want to see it succeed, but it wasn’t his life’s goal. He was trying to make it his life’s goal but you could see the look on his face when he talked about All Blue and traveling for his own sake. And then a bunch of smelly weird pirates crash into their restaurant and confront him with the idea that “hey, you know, your life belongs to you, and you actually have, you know, CHOICES you can make, and it’s okay for you to prioritise your own goals and live your life the way YOU want to”

You could argue that this is a recurring theme with all the Straw Hats - “personal freedom” is probably one of, if not the most prominent theme in One Piece - where most of the crew has felt like they’ve been held back from living the life they want to lead before joining the Straw Hats. Some were held back by external influences (Nami with the Arlong Pirates and Marines, Robin with the Marines again, Brook by Hogback), some by personal obstacles (Usopp’s struggles with his own cowardice, and fear of leaving the comfort of his seemingly safe village for the risk but allure of the sea). There were other members who were held back by a sense of social obligation, too - Chopper to Dr. Kureha and his memories of Hiluluk, Franky to Galley-La in general, the Franky Family, and his memories of Puffing Tom - but those were also slightly different. Chopper, who was still just a kid, all things considered, needed “permission” from his parental figure to leave home, and Franky, conversely, needed to be sure that his adoptive family-figures would be fine on their own. Sanji and Zeff obviously have a father-son relationship but Sanji didn’t need Zeff’s specific permission or approval, nor did he need reassurance that the Baratie would be okay without him - because he already KNEW he had both those things. Zeff is implied to have been trying to get Sanji to leave for a long time. What Sanji really needed was someone to tell him that he would be okay. That he could exist outside of the construct by which he defined his existence (his usefulness to Zeff and the Baratie). That this was a thing he was allowed to do. That God wouldn’t smite him where he stood if he dared to get out of bed in the morning for his own sake, and not someone else’s. And that came from meeting the Straw Hats - all of them, but Zoro a little bit more, and Luffy most of all.

Of course he still struggles with that even after joining the Straw Hats LMAO and the poor dude has a self-sacrificial streak longer than his legs. But now I’m gonna pivot into talking about how Zoro and Sanji contrast against each other in this exact regard

Of all the Straw Hats, Zoro (and I’m still not 100% up to date with the current Wano happenings so maybe we have more insight into why Zoro is the way he is but I still don’t think it could totally disrupt anything I’m about to say) is the person who is least able to identify with where Sanji is coming from but also somehow, the most?? Because Zoro is a paradox of both living fully and wholly for himself in the moment but also being someone who has dedicated his entire life to living out someone else’s dream. Like, yeah, it’s his dream, too, but it’s been made clear throughout the series that the force behind his terrifying drive is his oath to Kuina, not just his own desire to be the strongest swordsman.

But I’m not sure Zoro sees a distinction there? And I’m not sure it’s even relevant to make the distinction in the first place? Kuina has passed away, so Zoro’s own interpretation of what her dream would’ve been, how to fulfil it, and what their promise to each other means is, essentially, his own free will. Often times in fiction when you see a character living in another character’s memory they basically model themselves around what they think the other person would’ve done, but not Zoro. He doesn’t model his fighting style after Kuina’s (quite the opposite). He doesn’t train how he thinks she would’ve trained. He even went ahead and defined the parameters of their “dream” all on his own - defeating Mihawk (is that how Kuina would’ve defined “becoming the strongest swords[wo]man”?). He is, undeniably, living life however it naturally occurs to him and pursuing whatever he wants to pursue.

But Kuina is still also undeniably a fixture in his life. He still wields her sword (fingers crossed for Wano). He still thinks of her and is still driven by the bond and oath they shared when they were younger, and he still considers her father to be his mentor. He would say that he wants to become the strongest swordsman because it is his dream and also because he’s doing it for Kuina, and they would both be independently true.

And so all of this culminates into Zoro not understanding Sanji’s perspective one tiny little bit, lmao. You’d think he would because on the surface they both live for another person’s sake but when you get deeper into it they’re opposites, as is usually the way with those two. Sanji is someone who presents himself as a “lone wolf”, sort of - the strong, cool, independent “Mr. Prince” who is often separated from the other characters, working on his own. But he’s not. He defines his entire existence by his utility to others and the capacity for his sacrifice to them. That’s why he keeps TRYING to sacrifice himself for others even when it’s pretty unnecessary lmao. And Zoro is someone who readily claims to be living his life for the sake of another person, but then doesn’t give a second thought to how that person might have lived their life. He can live his own life while also living FOR someone else. That’s not a contradiction at all in his mind. Zoro has made it no secret that he would leave the Straw Hats if he had to in order to pursue his own dreams and I genuinely still think he would, as loyal as he is to Luffy (which, btw, Luffy would unequivocably support).

And so it’s why Sanji can’t understand why Zoro would fight against Mihawk knowing that he would lose, because in that moment Zoro was living blisteringly for his own sake and nothing else, because throwing yourself into a fight you KNOW you will lose simply because it’s what you WANT is the culmination of “living your own life”. To Sanji, that makes no sense, because Zoro could still live and be useful to others. Sanji completely understands dying to protect others and so thinks dying because of your own resolutions would be a “waste”. And it’s why Sanji left so easily in WCI, and why Zoro couldn’t/can’t understand that, because to Sanji it made sense in what he still believed to be true in his mind - that he ultimately only existed to be useful to others, and that his brief sojourn with the Straw Hats had been fun, but that leaving them would be inevitable, because it was too “selfish” on his part to dare to live life for himself and that the universe would correct itself eventually. He still thought that it was wrong of him to live his own life. He still, on some level, thought that his life belonged to someone else. And at least, like this, he could save the people he actually cared about (the Straw Hats) along the way, making the best of a foregone conclusion, in his mind. I genuinely think even after everything the SHs went through together it wasn’t until he saw Luffy still waiting for him that it finally clicked in Sanji’s mind that he was the sole owner of his own life and that he had a choice in what he dedicated it to.

Speaking of Luffy, I think he 100% lives his own life for himself only, even more than Zoro - he sacrifices himself for others, but only because he wants to because he personally likes those people, not because he thinks it’s the “right” thing to do - but I also think he deeply understands and appreciates Sanji’s mentality in a way that Zoro doesn’t/can’t. I think Luffy learned from Shanks that the way you act/the things you do have a broader impact on the world around you, and so living life “for yourself” is something you have to do mindfully and consciously of how that will affect other people. And I think he learned about the idea of being expected to live for the purpose of others from Sabo and Ace, and the subsequent rejection of that idea. So he fully embraces the notion of living your life for yourself only, but he does so being aware of the implications that has for the other people in your life.

I don’t know if this makes any sense or if it’s still coherent at this point I have written (checks) almost 2000 words about one piece and I’m a litte embarrassed but you know what I'm just gonna hit ‘publish’ without proof reading thanks for coming to my TED Talk i’m sorry if any of these paragraphs just stopped mid-sentence as I hopped to finish off some other sentence

[dxmedstudent]

I'd really like to know a little about the logistics of hospitals adjusting to the current situation - would you be able to tell us a bit about that - how are wards being rearranged, staff being redeployed to different roles etc? It sounds like the hospitals look quite different to how they did several weeks ago if I've understood correctly. I'm glad to hear you're feeling a bit better, hope you're well soon!

Sure, I can try. Changing how we work:We receive regular updates via internal email. First, teaching and group sessions were cancelled. We were warned that some of our shifts would be adjusted - clinic sessions became clerking suspected covid patients.  There are now no elective surgeries, no clinics (though some depts like mine can run phone clinics), and a lot of outpatient services are closed. We were soon told leave would probably be cancelled and we’d be likely to have our rotas changed or be redeployed. This was more than a month ago.

In my hospital (and I’m sure many others), they recently cancelled all leave for April, in case they need the staff. Bank holidays are now normal working days - presumably I won’t get time in lieu for the Bank Hols I’m working.  I felt that this is risky - you need the staff capacity, but also you don’t want people to fatigue too early, or to become too demoralised. We try to socially distance as much as possible at work - not always easy given most offices are tiny and cramped, and it’s hard to run a ward round miles away from each other. We’re at risk of catching it from each other as well as patients because we’re constantly touching computers and equipment and  having to get in close to talk to each other or help patients. We’ve moved where we hold handover, and we try to encourage people to leave if they don’t have to be here. Some ‘bright spark’ took out half the computers in the office to ensure people socially distance, though that just means more waiting for computers.

They’ve redeployed a lot of juniors, particularly from teams (like surgical teams, psych, GP, weird academic jobs where not much was going on) to clerking or the covid-19 wards. Between that and outpatient clinics being cancelled, there are more doctors of every grade of seniority that have been mobilised. It actually meant that when I was on take this week (seeing mostly suspected covid-19, not gonna lie), we were very well staffed. This is great, because it means we have spare capacity to deal with the peak when it comes. Plus I was still dealing with fatigue after my week off for likely covid-19 myself, and it really helped that work was unexpectedly manageable.

They’ve given us some sleep pods, and they’ve made arrangements for more staff to be able to stay over - with transport reduced, and people isolating away from families, more people are choosing to stay in hospital accommodation. We,  keep getting donations of food and stuff from people, which is really nice, though I wish it’d go back to how it was before - less donations, but because people were happy.  I guess it does improve morale, though. Hospital staff are motivated by food.

Reorganising the hospital:

They’ve basically split my hospital into ‘hot’ and ‘cold’ zones - places where we have patients with suspected covid-19 symptoms, and places for patients with no such symptoms.  This means having two ED/A+E departments. Each hot zone has donning and doffing rooms - places to put on and take off PPE. Plenty of places where you have to wash your hands. You  have to wear PPE (surgical mask, gloves, gown) even in ’cold’ places.In hot zones all patients wear a mask as a precaution and you usually have to wear more substantive PPE. I hear from friends that their hospitals operate pretty similarly - it’s standard to try to reduce contact between patients who could have covid-19, and those who don’t.

The corridors are quiet and eerie, rather like being oncall at night. Many staff wear masks between departments. Most of the admin staff are now working from home, so there are less employees in hospital than usual. The cafes are all now only take-aways, though you can still sit in the hospital canteen. Given how hard shopping is, it’s a great comfort that you can at least eat at work if the worst comes to the worst. I miss having spaces to sit - I don’t really want to eat my lunch on a covid-19 ward, and it’s important to leave your office to gain some separation from work mentally, for a short while.

They have turned some of the wards (often surgical - as there are now a lot less operations happening)  into suspected covid-19 wards. Where our teams had extra capacity (i.e. weren’t at minimal staffing), people were randomly re-allocated to the covid-wards. This happened to me weeks ago. I didn’t mind it, but at the time it was still chaotic because they hadn’t quite formalised a plan for who was being re-allocated there, when. The system is now a lot more slick, at least in my hospital. This kind of thing is unprecedented - we’ve never reorganised entire hospitals or how we work, and certainly not under short notice, and it’s been evolving with the crisis. As it stands, most wards are either hot - suspected covid patients, or cold - patients which tested negative or are not suspected of aving the virus. My regular ward is one of the few cold wards, but we still test and diagnose covid pretty often. For what it’s worth, I feel my hospital have generally done the best job that they can. They have expanded ITU’s capacity extensively, and are coming up with all sorts of ways to ensure they have enough equipment and oxygen.

Almost all outpatient departments have shut, apart from dialysis. We no longer allow as many visitors in hospital  - 1 visitor per day for  patients who are seriously unwell or dying. Stable patients are not allowed visitors. For people with covid-19, household contacts usually can’t come because they are meant to be self-isolating at home. This means a lot of phone calls to relatives updating them on their loved ones. That’s one of the main ways this has affected us - we’re having a lot more of those “I’m sorry but your loved one is very sick” or resuscitation decision discussions on the phone, and that can be hard.

Equipment and clothes:

In my hospital, I’d say that fit-testing was departmental - it was down to individual departments to organise. And although they said they’d prioritise at risk departments and staff, with re-mobilisation that clearly wasn’t taken into consideration at first. It takes a while to fit test a ton of people - and a some people are failing fit test. I passed, but not necessarily with the kind of mask that’s available. Unfortunately, people like me were on ward cover or on the covid wards pretty early, so I had to do a lot of running around to get myself adequately tested and protected. We have PPE right now, and some clear guidance on a national level, although that doesn’t necessarily line up with PPE guidance in other places. There’s a lot of criticism of PPE policies across hospitals - people fear inadequate protection and inconsistency, and they fear exposure to a virus that can kill them, their loved ones or their patients. Guidance on what kind to use, and when, has changed over the weeks.  We try to be sensible with how we use it.

They caved and gave us all scrubs to wear on the wards- 3 pairs each. Unfortunately there are no scrubs that aren’t a size large, so we are all swamped. I’ve bought some comfy but ugly clog type shoes that are easy to clean, and I plan to chuck them when this sorry episode is over. If it’s ever over. My scrubs are far, far too big (they’d be big on my 6′3′‘ dude, so on me they are like a literal tent that has to be rolled up) but I won’t get given an appropriate size when they order more. There was no other way to get scrubs - places like endoscopy or theatres refuse to help people from other departments, even if you literally tell them you’ve been deployed to a covid-19 ward. So it’s either work in tent-like pajamas or your home clothes which may not be as suitable. Dresses and skirts are fine normally, but too flappy in an infection-laden situation. I’m happy to be wearing scrubs, I just wish that they fit. But overall, I feel that we’ve been coping where I am.

[cindersart]

do you have any tips for coping with adhd?

i have things i do for my own adhd problems, that i’m reluctant to call ‘tips’ in case they only benefit me but lets see

if a chore / task / Thing You Gotta Do is making you anxious and reluctant to do it, break it up into tiny pieces in advance and get things ready for yourself earlier. e.g. whenever i have a LOT of cleaning to do, i’ll set things up for myself by making a list of what i need to clean, then i’ll get out cleaning supplies, then i’ll set a time for myself to start etc

that one helps me a lot because i can apply it anywhere and any time. if i ever find myself with some free time, i’ll do little bits and pieces to ease later chores / tasks / outings for myself. ( getting outfits picked, making sure my phone is charged and there is a bag ready to be packed, leaving reminder notes for myself to do ______ thing / setting alarms  etc etc ) 

if i worry that i’m gonna forget something important before leaving somewhere / doing something, i’ll leave a VERY visible reminder in a place i am 100% likely to see it. ( like, if i need to remember to check my bank balance before i leave for somewhere, i’ll leave a note next to something i don’t leave the house without, like my phone )

this one is a bit odd but. sometimes u just NEED some background noise to help u focus. most of the time, for me personally, it’s deeply irritating if ANYTHING breaks the silence i need to focus, but whenever i get restless and feel like my concentration is scattered everywhere, i put on instrumental music. 

whenever i get Real Restless trying to work, i just move to a different room. works best if the room i switch to is clean and brightly lit / has a table of some sort i can work on. being cooped up in one place while you can FEEL your brain shit all your focus / motivation out rapidly does nothin but frustrate, and a change of scenery might not bring back your concentration or energy, but it COULD help calm you down

whenever i start to feel super overwhelmed n overstimulated, i just. Stop. stop what i’m doing, take a decent break. sometimes u just cannot force yourself through something and with adhd, when you start taking a break, it can be really hard to get back to work due to the stress of the task, or ur executive dysfunction punching u in the butt. losing concentration on a task is better than burning out and stressing yourself into a panic / anxiety attack ok. be fair to urself. 

prioritise so u can have the most time for tasks that are freaking u out.

i had more i swear but i am struggling to remember them well enough to put it into words : c hope this is even a lil bit helpful!!

[gopissbepis]

why did I try to kill myself?

I didn’t care. At all. If I lived or died or something in between. I did it because I could. Because I’d thought about it a lot before, the pills were there, I was drunk, sad as fuck and disparing at the state of our world (I mean honestly hate is so widespread and we’re literally nearing extinction of the a c t u a l earth...) i did it because I hate myself, I was full of food and alcohol and I truly believed that I could never be good enough for the people that love me, and they deserved a life where I wasn’t a burden, constantly fucking up and needing help again. The black sheep of the family. Not quite a Wilder but definitely not a Fegan either. Sure as hell not a Simper. I did it because i was scared to make changes that I knew needed to be made and I felt as though anything I did change would never be anywhere near enough to make any meaningful difference. I did it because I thought everyone would get over it. Because I thought that they would understand my pain and be pleased on my behalf that I wasn’t hurting that way any more. I genuinely wanted to die. I didn’t think that I would wake up the next morning, but then I did.... it’s scary to think of the difference that just 4 more pills could have made...

It took a solid week for me to realise how much I actually needed and wanted to give a shit about my life and myself. That terror that I felt when there was even a slight mention of a potential of having Hollie taken away from me both validated everything that I already hated about myself (not being a good enough mum, not giving Hollie anywhere near what she deserves, not being a decent human being in general) and Christ it’s kicked me in the ass. I wanted to live, just a tiny little bit, for her, to give her a not fucked up childhood. I didn’t want to die in front of her. I didn’t want the first chapter of darkness in her life to be as a result of my selfishness and lack of strength. I still hate myself. But I’m trying to just ignore that and move on with my life. I want to do things that scare me but I have to be here for Hollie. I have to remember that I am the best possible person to be raising her. I have a kind heart that I am trying to instill in her, and there is no love comparable to the love that I have for her. I will love my life through teaching her to love hers, to be kind and compassionate, honest and open minded. I’m excited for her future and I’m confident that within that I can find things that bring me to life (burlesque? roller derby??) without pursuing a romantic interest. It’s so cheesy but I really just need and want to focus on me. On making myself the person that I want to be, creating a life that I want to live and that is fulfilling for both Hollie and I and more than anything I want to fill my life with love. I want to keep out the darkness wherever possible. The world may be cruel but I don’t have to be a part of it and I refuse to let go when there is even a tiny glimmer of hope that one day the world won’t be like this, one day we will live the way that we are supposed to: in nature, with our families, living off of the land and natural resources, probably naked tbh and all working together as a community to fucking make it work - no money or governmental shit, no fear of overpopulation, no social pressures or a necessity to write lots of papers to gain one significantly more important paper which will dictate the trajectory of the rest of your life....slightly lost my train of thought, but if I can exclude myself and the people that I love and care about from the bullshit of society and the world the way that it is and the fact that no one is really actually in control of this earth but a bunch of twats really think that they are, and for some reason prioritising BALLOCKS LIKE WALLS TO KEEP ‘UNDESIRABLE PEOPLE’ OUT OF THEIR COUNTRIES over saving the actual fucking world then what the hey. These people have the potential to become real life super heros and they just aren’t stepping up. I don’t know how much further I can step but I’m sure as hell gonna keep going until something starts to change.