#I’m not very good at literary analysis but uh yeah I try to just have fun and do my best

[stealingyourbones]

I’m pausing for now on the comics as I got food to cook but do y’all enjoy my ramblings about comics? Is it fun? Should I stop or continue? Idk let me know if u enjoy my funky little comic reviews :)

[mdhwrites]

Extra Jumbled Thoughts: Character Arcs, featuring Anne Boonchuy Versus Amity Blight

SPOILERS FOR SEASONS 1 and 2 of THE OWL HOUSE! AND OF SEASON 1 OF AMPHIBIA! Also, if you don’t want to hear me ramble about how this blog is different from my other writing analysis blogs, skip to the first bit of bold text below. So I’m going to start with a warning. I try to make sure I don’t just make review blogs anymore because I want these to be more approachable. More useful. Simply saying an episode of something is bad or good, especially as White Guy on the Internet #48987532, can be very repetitive and honestly pointless. Not that there isn’t merit in it but without deeper insight, an audience may go “Yeah, that was bad!” without understanding the underlying cause for why it may have been written a certain way or what actually failed. This isn’t going to be one of those. It’s actually not even because of vitriol or anything I have to get out. It’s just because of the nature of character arcs. To provide an example... Is a bitch. Because for you to understand why something does or doesn’t work, you have to get into a lot more of the minutia of the character and what they undergo. That’s also why it’s featuring two characters and not two series. You may not know enough about either one without seeing the show (and many Amphibia fans might not know enough about Anne’s arc to even know why she’s here because a lot of them skipped season 1). I’ll try to include the information needed but I’m also going to be straight forward about saying this is, like the title says, extra jumbled up. Not helped of course by the fact that I’m pitting a main character’s arc against a major supporting character’s arc. Now, admittedly, I’m including Seasons 1 and 2 of The Owl House for Amity while this is STRICTLY talking about Season 1 of Amphibia. So Amity is getting extra time here to make up for the fact that, inherently, she’ll get less because of her role in the story. But uh... *looks at the flat line of Luz’s character that just ends with ‘smiles less’ in bold letters* This is also due to the nature of the two shows. Amphibia is much more about the other world’s impact on the main characters and their changes while The Owl House is about the main character’s impact on the other world and the changes they inflict on it. So the character who should have the most character growth in the former is the main character while the character with the most growth in the latter should be the main’s foil, or in other words a main supporting character. Thus: Amity. And see. There’s a bit of just literary analysis for you. I swear, this blog DOES have a point. And that point is to get me killed because Amity is the NEGATIVE example here. So, let’s go on a journey into what character development looks like, the steps to analyze it, and the over all... curve that happens with a character by the end of it. 1. THE FIRST AND SECOND STEPS So as these arcs have to have a starting point, we need to get into character introductions. There is SO MUCH to say about introducing characters but specifically for those with an arc in mind, the second introduction is almost as important as the first. Why? Well, the first introduction of a character is usually their most extreme, especially depending on the amount of time they have to introduce themselves. After all, the audience needs a quick snapshot of the person to gain an understanding of them unless the reality of them is meant to be a mystery. Part of their arc. I would argue simply revealing who a character actually is rather than the change they undergo is not a strict character arc but more about teasing out a full narrative over time, especially dependent on the narrative role of said mystery character. Put a pin in that for later. This point... Actually Amphibia more than Owl House, at least at first blush. This is for two reasons. The first is that Anne is the main character. We don’t need a drastic introduction to her and honestly, we don’t get one. We get enough of one, how she’ll protect someone in need but reject what she doesn’t like out of hand, be a bitch, be selfish, etc. like that. Anne is not a good person in the first episode but she isn’t a bad one either. Just less caring and more brusque than might be able to be enjoyed by many. There’s a good core there with her quickly growing friendship with Sprig though. Amity on the other hand has an INFAMOUS first step on the scene. It actually starts way more in line with how most of the show is by having her just be a bully. Like not even a special sort of bully. She’s queen bee, top student and she’s willing to be condescending to those weaker than her or failing, especially in her field of magic. It’s a good contrast to the main character’s motto of “We weirdos gotta stick together” and is a great introduction to a foil for that main character. It’s a shame it decides to not just double or triple down, it goes ALL IN. In her first episode’s introduction, where she probably gets comparable time to the time Anne gets in the first half of her episode (Amphibia episodes are split into two halves) she exhibits a brutalness that comes out unreasonably quickly that... Is fine. At first blush. She’s an unhinged, perfectionist, gifted student who will do anything to keep that position. Even murder. The second she loses her top student badge, she goes entirely off the rails for some pretty great animated moments and an enjoyable episode. But for a character with an arc in mind, this is where the second step comes into play. See, if the first step establishes who they are, the second step establishes what it truly is that they need to change and refines the purpose. Some of this happens in general but for a character who is meant to shift, it’s even more important. This is where Amphibia starts to shine. The second half of the first episode starts to imply that Anne’s selfishness isn’t entirely her own. It somewhat comes from an admittedly blunt approach to making it clear that her friendships at home weren’t healthy. They were incredibly conditional and that some of her selfishness comes from the selfishness of those she interacts with. When push comes to shove though, she chooses others before herself. Is it her fault they get in a bad place to begin with? Sure, but she does still go to fix it. It shows a glimpse into the better person Anne can be while staying true to what she was in the first step. Amity fumbles a lot more here. Yes, technically, she also tries to kill the main character in this one. Not so much of her own pushing though. She’s not the one to challenge the main character to a duel. That’s the main character’s fault. Otherwise, now she has a reason to be the normal bully she showed herself to be at the beginning of her first outing. She is crueler than she has to be but Luz can’t do magic, as far as she knows, humiliated her before and the event they’re both at is just a fun tour for Luz but a harsh reminder of her goals for Amity. To be the best and what that looks like. To not be happy about this human being here makes... logical sense. Worse yet, she doesn’t go too far in trying to prove herself this episode. When she cheats, it’s because her mentor slyly had her cheat without her knowing. She immediately is devastated by this, showing a want to be good on her own, not through tricks. Which is good, it shows a nobler heart in Amity, as does her giving Luz encouragement to keep up her studies when shown kindness. It’s good for a bully character who needs to learn to stop taking things so personally. It doesn’t line up with how extreme her first episode is. Even if we include that character introductions are meant to be more extreme, this was a few steps farther than was reasonable for the tone of show (which is saying a lot because this was during the more whimsical portion of the show) or for her character. She really does go from 3 to 15 instantly after all. Which is where the real warning of the second step problem comes into play: Without a DAMN good reason, your first step can come off looking like you wrote the character out of character. And hey, if you’re looking to make a character arc look impressive, look larger than it is, starting with a base that actually isn’t relevant to their normal behavior is a good way to do it. And unfortunately, as we’ll continue... We’ll see a lot of that out of Amity.

2. The Speed of Change, large and SMALL. So as the name implies, arcs need time to travel. A throw doesn’t have much of an arc if you throw the ball and it’s caught less than a second later and character arcs are much the same. If change comes too quickly, it can feel like there was no change. If it comes too slowly, it can be frustrating for the audience as they stop expecting improvement. Now neither here are lightning fast. I would need to be talking about Hunter from The Owl House to talk about an arc that is over and done in a blink of an eye and you’re just waiting for him to accept it. Neither are either perfect, as they both exemplify different approaches to how to do an arc and how to show it off well in this middle portion, as well as some of its stumbles. A quick mention though: This is also sometimes where a character starts their arc after some big moment FORCES them to realize that change is needed. A betrayal by those they thought were right as they showed themselves evil, a friend turning their back on them because their personalities no longer align (put a pin in it), etc. like that are all things that can jump start this process and have them start showing the changes in behavior you want here. Again, not Anne or Amity’s style, and it’s honestly a more common fantasy style (both shows have this theoretically in them too, though one comes too late in the character’s arc to hold much of the blame for it) than the slow burn that both Amity and Anne were supposed to be. So what does this look like for the two of them? Well, for Anne... It’s a lot of hijinks. She’s the main character of a comedy fantasy show. That’s her life. It’s also probably makes S1 frustrating for a lot of people because while she is making progress, it’s hard to always realize what is progress and what is a sticking character flaw of hers. Anne will have MANY times where she shirks responsibility but she only really needs one lesson in not judging others by their cover or her own agenda before being able to pass that onto Sprig in the second half of the season. And that’s where the brilliance of Anne in this section comes into play. She never once stops being Anne but you start seeing more and more her willingness to question why she’s doing something or her having enough self awareness now to pass that knowledge onto someone near her. These can easily be attributed, especially in the moment, to just what the writers needed for an episode. If it’s a Sprig focused episode, seeing as he is as much a main character as Anne, it makes sense that Anne might not screw up as much. Mind you, that’s a REALLY big might. Anne is the reason Sprig gets into trouble all the time in the first half after all because, well, she’s a 13 year old girl stuck in a different world. She wants to explore, wants to have adventures, etc. like that. She wants the hijinks and glory that her genre would commonly bequeath her with and usually needs to save herself or someone else from being eaten by a giant animal because of it. It makes it hard to appreciate in the moment... But when the lead up to the season finale comes and the frogs name her person of the year and all of her worst traits come out... The moment she questions why she was given this honor is when the method of the arc is shown. It’s a genuine slowburn. One that is true to HER. When the frogs say there are better people in town technically than her, you believe it. But the fact that she also ruined her own party to save them all show they aren’t wrong when they say she’s the one to have improved the most. And that improvement, that slow fade from someone who can’t care to someone who can and will care and accept anyone with a good heart, shows itself in all the small details. It’s great for a book report *gestures at the mutliple paragraphs here* but terrible for Twitter. SPEAKING OF-

Let’s get to Amity’s style. I won’t be going to her literal final parts of her arc like Anne because those parts aren’t necessary for this part of talking character arcs with Amity. Hers is a lot less big picture than that as she takes larger strides at a time than Anne did. You can tell there is an arc with her even by the time her second episode is over instead of needing to wait and see what the plan with her is. It’s done pretty well at first though and the cracks in the style aren’t going to show themselves as easily from an episode to episode basis. After all, the cracks in Anne’s style show the minute one of negative traits shows it still needs some smoothing out. If you don’t like one the traits Amity’s showing, well, by the end of the episode, the trait is gone. So what are her next few episodes? Well, her next literal appearance just solidifies that being a fairly stock bully is really her base except in saying in big, neon letters “AMITY HAS A GOOD HEART SOMEWHERE” because while Amity is mean that episode, we find out she used to be friends with one of the outcasts Luz has befriended and that it was her lack of magic at an early age that stopped them from being friends. It reinforces Amity’s focus on magic, grades, what one can do and that she is ruthless in these ambitions. It also makes the first appearance of hers maybe make more sense even though this section will show the problems in claiming those excuses. Put a pin it. In her next episode, she befriends Luz after telling Luz she wants nothing to do with her thanks to a shared interest and Luz coming to her rescue after a fuck up by Luz and Amity’s siblings. It’s a very endearing episode where... Amity doesn’t act like a bully, Like ever. She acts stand off-ish and a bit rude but at this point, she’s right when she points out Luz has humiliated her every time they’ve met (even the previous episode, Luz was ATTEMPTING TO HUMILIATE HER and just failed) so we bridge a gap VERY quickly in this burgeoning relationship. It cools, pun somewhat intended, next time they meet though. Amity is still being nice but they are ostensibly friends now so it makes sense. Honestly, this next episode is more about solidification and doing a bit more of Anne’s arc as she shows her capacity to worry about others. Hell, for how she acted before, you can already see strides because when Luz is at fault for stealing from Amity which leads to Amity’s siblings and Luz’s mentor almost being eaten (and in S2 Luz still struggles with acting brashly and in selfish/fantasy fueled ways so if you’re wondering why I’m not doing Luz, THAT’S WHY)... Amity locks Luz up. With her reasoning being not that Luz will fuck things up harder but that Luz will get hurt. It’s a level of compassion, especially with Amity’s base character in mind, that possibly NO ONE in the show thus far or since has exhibited. Unsurprisingly, this is where the next part of her arc comes into play. Her crush on Luz. And this is also the high point from which this style will fall to its doom. 3.5 The Importance of SMALL Things

I’m not going to go in too hard on Anne’s side of this. There is good here, it’s just hard to talk about, much like a lot of positive analysis is. The things I’m talking about though is going from rejecting bugs, a normal part of frog diets, to relishing them and enjoying them, or bare minimum not blinking at them. It’s a small thing but it speaks volumes about how she’s changing to be a better person and a more accepting one. Her increasing willingness to help instead of avoiding responsibility but also making sure to do it her own way. It’s hard to talk about because the changes are minute. There’s very few small things to note that should be a part of her character because it all is a part of the cohesive picture. For me to REALLY comment on it all, I would have had to rewatch the entire first season before writing this blog, preferably in the same week, which is again better for a book report or video essay than a Tumblr blog I’m doing randomly. And, unfortunately, of the two series I am just MUCH more familiar with The Owl House. Amity shows a lot more of the importance of this because the small things often will define either how believable the base of a character arc was or how much care is being put into it at all. What the actual goal of the arc is. So let’s get into the second half of Season 1 of The Owl House. Technically we already have but barely. Amity’s next appearance is mostly a cameo to show some likely gay panic which will be confirmed later as gay panic so her next real showing is in an episode mislabled “Understanding Willow”. It’s about Amity so it should have been named that because it REALLY is about Amity... And the idea that she was never a bad person. The large part of this episode is her and Willow theoretically coming to terms with having been friends in the past. This is done enjoyably with a trip into Willow’s mind and the pain inflicted by Amity... With a final revelation that the decision to not be friends with Willow wasn’t Amity’s. It was her parents. That she never wanted to stop being friends with Willow and BAM! They’re friends. In theory, the show will explore more of it but uh... Yeah, waiting an almost entire season to make a comment on it, when it’s not even the first or second time they’ve worked together since this, really feels like backfill of “Oh shit, the fandom is right that Willow should kind of still be pissed for almost a decade of bullying.” But we’re not here about Willow. We’re here about Amity. Who, in this episode, chose to take back her old friend regardless of what her parents though. No stress about it, that side of this problem will NEVER be brought back up and Amity will actually continue to think Willow is a much weaker witch than most despite seeing constant proof otherwise. All of the reasons in her base for no longer being friends with Willow are just ignored... Why? Well, if those base characteristics were a lie, it suddenly makes sense. And unlike the rest of Amity’s episodes, she gets a three pack in a row that is all about the lie that has been Amity’s arc. The next one is the reveal that Amity doesn’t want to just be friends, she wants to date Luz. Specifically, she’s afraid of asking Luz out on a date. Reminder: At this point, Luz still only has two glyphs to Amity’s knowledge (Luz gets her third spell this episode), probably misses plenty of class due to her mentor being a LITERAL CRIMINAL and now we have the additional information that Amity has strict parents who push her towards the future she claimed to desire for herself. This is a lot to be worried about. If they ever found out she liked Luz, they’d crack down harder on that relationship than her friendship with Willow. If a friendship with a weak witch is unacceptable, what is dating someone who can’t cast magic without glyphs? Who is socially an exile? It’s something to be terrified about. So when the big bad of the episode, a creature who manifests into your greatest fears, hits Amity... Why is it a facsimile of Luz that shows up? It shows up, reaches into Amity’s pocket and rips the letter that Amity never gave to Luz asking her to the dance in two. It’s powerful, it’s one of the best moments in the series... And why wasn’t it her mother? It doesn’t even have to be a big change. Literally could take no extra time and little extra animation to have it resemble her mother, or at least her mother’s silhouette as that’s all we had at the time for her design, and rip up the note. This isn’t a big ask unless you want NOTHING distracting from the fact that Amity wants to be Luz’s girlfriend. Which, for this episode is... Fine. It could be improved but it’s powerful and still one of my favorite episodes in the series. The fact that the next episode has her destroying all of her social connections EXCEPT THE ONES CONNECTED TO LUZ, the social connections that were DICTATED BY HER PARENTS, makes the previous episode harder to swallow. Especially when it also shows even more that Amity has always had a whimsical and caring side as she hurt her teammates back when she was CAPTAIN OF THE FANTASY RUGBY TEAM (AS THE FUCKING TOP STUDENT GIRL) and so quit and put that behind her with no comment on how her parents feel about it. Or feel about anything Amity is doing as someone literally calls her out for destroying her social life and Amity responds with “I think I just improved it.” And honestly? Any one of the three and I shrug. Maybe any of the two and I shrug. It’s a kids show and Amity is a supporting character. Yes, she’s coming ever closer to a main character even in this first season as time goes on, but some slip ups and some shrugs are to be expected. The fact that three episodes in a row entirely ignore any outside force besides “Luz is cute and I want to be with her” for why Amity is doing much of anything she’s doing, is bad. It’s especially bad because these are small things when it comes to all of this. Now *cracking his neck* let’s get to part 4.

4. Challenging the Arc

So the obvious poster boy for good character arcs I haven’t brought up is Zuko from Avatar. People have talked about him in every way conceivable for how amazing his arc his and for good reason. He goes through effectively multiple character arcs in each season of Avatar and somehow each are better than the last. The reason I bring him up now is that he stumbles, narratively, not analytically, once: When he betrays everyone and sides with his sister to get what he THINKS he has always wanted. The base of his character comes back in a very nasty way for a final hurrah that is ENTIRELY REASONABLE. And it’s in realizing the mistake he made that he finds renewed resolve and reason to be a better person. Anne has this. Amity doesn’t. For once, to explain this, I’ll actually be swapping the two and talking about Amity first as we get into S2 of Owl House and the first time her parents show up properly. In the episode, her parents get Luz and her friends expelled so as to get rid of any distractions Amity is experiencing. In the smaller category, we also find out that Amity’s grades slipping, literally stated, and this greatly upsetting her mother to the point where she is demanding effective repayment for the disappointment. It makes it incredibly clear how manipulative and cruel Amity’s mother is. And in an episode so important to her character, theoretically the one you would expect to set her season long goal of getting out from under her mom’s thumb and not letting her mom control her... She tells her mom to go fuck herself, show’s stronger regardless of letting her studies slide, all within an episode where she is a part of MAYBE a quarter of it at best because there’s so little time spent with her. It’s hard to call it a challenge or a call back to the past when she barely treats it as one. She claims she can’t do anything about her mom but the moment she has reason to suspect her mom has put Luz in danger, it’s time to break the rules and save the girl she has a crush on. In an isolated moment, it can be very satisfying, especially because it’s just good to see a child escape their abusive parent. From an arc perspective... Well, I claimed neither of these characters ever had something so flat as a fastball pitched a foot away but Amity does. Period. And the fact that the pressure here is also the pressure that supposedly formed the base of her character is INCREDIBLY DISAPPOINTING.

And telling. Anything that could actually get in the way of Lumity doesn’t matter. The fact that Amity had a character before she eventually gets with Luz feels almost accidental at this point because of how much is being bled dry, even before the show’s shortening would have affected any of its pacing, for the sake of this lesbian getting a girlfriend. Meanwhile, Anne’s ‘girlfriend’ is back baby! But girlfriend as in best friend! The same best friend who obviously, and explicitly in this episode, manipulated and hurt Anne through their friendship. Who constantly forced Anne to choose her over even her own family. For Sasha, Anne’s reality had to be about her. And... That has been true in the small and large ways. Her trying to force Polly to be more girly? Sasha was a fucking cheerleader back home. Her telling Sprig that friends don’t ask questions and just do as they’re told? Sasha literally will not hear another word from Anne when she doesn’t want to steal the music box that will transport her and her friends to Amphibia. This person is awful. Not pure evil, Amphibia is WAY too well written for Sasha to be a 6-’s cartoon villain like Amity’s mom is, but she is abusive and manipulative in similar ways. And when Sasha tells Anne to side with her despite it meaning the execution of the old frog who took her in, Anne hesitates. After all, this is Sasha. She doesn’t say no to Sasha. She doesn’t fight Sasha. She fights with Hop Pop, the old frog. She’s only known him for a few months while she’s known Sasha since they were little kids. Not only that but Sasha has a real plan and capability to get them home. She even has a better life than Anne does, just like back on Earth. For every reason Anne has been cruel, she has every right to agree to her friend. She even almost does it. Almost decides that the glitz and glamour that Sasha promises is worth a life. But come on. Every good narrative arc always ends with- 5. Payoff

The moment you get to see the character’s new form take shape and be put to use in a way that makes the pain they’ve caused before worth it. It’s when Sprig, the REAL friend that Anne has made, stands up to Sasha and berates Sasha for thinking Anne is so much less than her. Not when Anne is as incredible as she is. And so Anne takes a blade and fights her best friend. We’ll get back to it though. Because if that moment has you going “HELL YEAH!” GOOD! It should. It should be the moment where even without music, sound, ANYTHING other than just hearing that this happened with everything that came before, you should be losing your shit. A good arc, any arc, let alone a character arc, should be able to have this sort of moment. Where just conceptually, the idea and catharsis of it makes anything that happened before worth it. And for Amity... It’s what you’d expect. Though also not quite. I’m not going to be an ass about this and say that we do get ONE episode in Season 2 that does pay off her arc and also show what could have been had the writers cared more about the grander scheme of her life. And that is when Luz calls Amity her awesome girlfriend despite Amity failing Luz. Amity goes on this grand adventure for something that will help Luz get home (if you’re wondering if the division of their worlds has been brought up btw, as of Season 3 Luz has decided that she would have been willing to stick in the human world and give up on Amity while Amity has never brought up the possible problem) but in the end fails. Actually fails so hard as to get some of the resource into the villain’s hands and only by sheer luck did she get any of it back to Luz. But Luz doesn’t care. Luz calls her an awesome girlfriend and assures her that she’s just happy that Amity is safe. It is one of the few truly just good moments of Lumity after they get together and if Amity’s base character was more accurate, it would hold way more weight. And hey, if you accept her base character is mostly looking for love and a girlfriend, this is honestly an even bigger hell yeah than when the two got together and WAY better than when they eventually kiss, a moment I still get frustrated thinking about from a romantic arc’s perspective. That’s probably not helped that romance is literally my main genre. BUT let’s go back to friendship rather than love. Because there’s another side to the coin for Anne: Does she go too far? She beats Sasha in the duel they have after all. Puts a sword to her throat and everything. Now for her to actually finish it here would have been a GROSS break in character and also hurt the idea that she cared about the average person much more if she let her anger boil into a pure murder rage here. Her arc is about caring after all. Caring, acceptance and the ability to see more than the face value of those around her. We saw it first with her protecting her friends, despite knowing it’d upset Sasha, acceptance of the love around her by believing in her new found family instead of the cruel barbs that she always thought were true and then the ability to see more by being able to properly see through Sasha’s sweet veneer.

And somehow, in literally the last two minutes of the S1 finale, I have way more to talk about with the final part of a character arc in Amphibia... Than I do with half a season+ of The Owl House. 6. Paying It Forward

What’s more satisfying than seeing a character arc come to fruition and make for a badass moment? Letting the lessons learned by that character rub off onto others! Amity... I have literally nothing to say about for. She literally FAILED the time she tried to take Luz’s lessons and apply them to someone else and we’ve never seen payoff for that attempt. Otherwise, she hasn’t interacted enough with other characters, especially in a meaningful way, to help anyone. In fact, mostly she’s either been very weakly trying to bring back threads that needed to be followed up on way before now to feel relevant (and just better than they are) or continuing to be told that she has some of her shitty traits, she’s just more accidental with them like still denying Willow is a super strong witch despite everything Willow has literally ever done the entirety of the series. But Anne? Oh... Oh Anne. After she beats Sasha, she gets ready to leave with her found family and you get the impression that while she doesn’t hate Sasha, that she still wants good to come to Sasha, you’re not sure where they lie as friends and I know that that’s a thread that continues into S2 just through osmosis with the fandom. Well... That and because then the place they were fighting on explodes. That’s even hyperbole. Someone literally destroys the supports for the tower they were fighting on. It knocks Sasha to the edge of the tower and she begins to fall and without hesitation, Anne goes to save her. Then Anne’s found family joins her in trying to save Sasha but it’s clear it just won’t work.

All the while though, Anne is telling Sasha not to worry. That things will be okay despite the fact that they’re all literally about to fall to their dooms. Honestly, this moment more than the duel seems to be when everything Anne said before hits Sasha. Sasha realizes just what a terrible friend she’s been and tells Anne “You’re right. You probably are better off without me.”

And lets go. Now, of course, she doesn’t die but from EVERYTHING we’ve seen with Anne before now, the flashbacks to when they were together, how Sasha was WILLING TO KILL A MAN TO EXTEND HER GOALS, you get the feeling that if not for Anne’s growth, they all would have died there. That Sasha would have stayed stubborn about Anne needing to support her. But instead she shows how complex she’s capable of being, and the fact that she’s capable of growth too, because Anne literally extended a hand to her to a place where they could be happier together. As much as I love Anne standing up to Sasha, this is the part of the S1 finale of Amphibia that hits the hardest. I don’t even think it’s because I’m a Sashannarcy shipper. It’s just a supremely well written scene that takes all the weaknesses of S1 of Amphibia and turns them into strengths. Honestly, it makes me baffled that I still haven’t watched S2 when obviously it’s just SUCH A GOOD SHOW. And it did all of that in one season. Anyone who wants to say Amity couldn’t have been given a smoother curve, one that wasn’t lacking in cohesion, honesty, or anything like that, well... 7. The Pins

Honestly, the blog is mostly over but here are the followups now that you have a larger picture as to why they’re problems for all the pins I made before: The mystery character’s character arc: This is what I think Amity’s real character arc is. It’s not about growth, it’s revelation. You constantly learn more and more that all the characteristics that were shown at the beginning of her arc and that helped provide the base of her character were actually all lies. Her character is incredibly different, and this is in part actually from something I brought with the one facilitating her arc. Unlike Anne, who has good people treating her well and giving her reasons to believe that changing as a person would be a good thing, you have Luz CONSTANTLY lying to Amity, keeping secrets from her, fucking up Amity’s life and in general only having less than a handful of times where Luz is doing something positive for Amity that isn’t to make up for having made her life worse. It makes it hard to believe that Luz’s good nature rubbed off on Amity, especially with how insistent the show is that all the rough edges Amity had were purely from outside forces. That that’s not who she is. Which is... Accurate. A mystery character’s arc is different from a normal character’s arc because it’s much more about explaining the reasoning behind their actions rather than growing them into a new version of themselves. Commonly, by the end, the first version you meet is gone because they have no reason to be keeping secrets. This also fits for Amity as all the class, respect, knowledge etc. that defined her character to begin with is fucking gone. She is clumsy, she’s a complete mess who gets embarrassed easily, she has bad grades and she is EASILY not the strongest in the main cast, beat pretty handedly by someone who is even two years younger than her, if not by Luz herself. And not for any reason like giving up magic entirely being something that she thinks would make her happy. It just... I mean, it can be entertaining to watch to many but to me it’s become increasingly infuriating. And for it to have been fixed feels less like they needed 14 more episodes, like a full season 3 would have given them, but instead about at least three more seasons with the glacial pace that following up on any of Amity’s potential went at during S2. Personalities not aligning: Like I said, Sasha has a whole character arc! Maybe once I’ve watched the entirety of Amphibia I can do a follow up and talk about her sort of arc that starts with a wake up call. The excuses for Amity’s first appearance Any excuse about pressures from her family needed to be followed by her family ever being a factor to her. It has literally been a real thing on her mind once and it wasn’t about her mom hating her; It was about her having daddy issues. Because her dad is neglectful and too hands off. I really, really wish I was kidding.

So yeah! Those are my all together way too long thoughts on the subject that I hope were coherent enough to at least be entertaining. Let me know your thoughts, I always love new topics to ramble about that you can send me in my ask box and before I go I want to say that if you like Amity’s arc and what not: Good for you! Honestly, you’re probably a happier person than I am because I want so badly to still love Amity and The Owl House and if you still like them, none of this should make you stop doing so or make you think you’re a bad person, it’s just my ramblings and my insights. And I’m just a random dude on the internet with a bunch of jumbled thoughts. One of which is to wish you a wonderful night and farewell.

[candlewaxandp0lar0ids]

I Don’t Like A Gold Rush || Jungkook

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Summary: Jungkook is the golden boy, an excellent student, the star of you college's football team. Rumor has it, there's simply nothing he can't do. The same cannot be said about you, but you've never had an issue with that. You're happy with your small group of friends and your lack of talent in sports. And then, Jin befriends Jungkook, and you find yourself spending a lot of time with him. Before you know it, you've taken an interest in him — and you're sure you shouldn't. There's no way this can end well for you... right?

Also available on Ao3.

Word count: 17.3k

Genre: College AU, strangers to lovers, slice of life, mostly fluff

Warnings & Tags: discussed insecurities, alcohol consumption, reader almost has a panic attack at some point, shy jungkook, jungkook is bad at Feelings, Reader is bad at feelings too, mutual pining kinda, Jungkook has long hair, sfw, New Year’s Day themed.

A/N: I don’t know how I would name my stories without Taylor Swift. Anyway, this is more or less centered around the New Year (it was supposed to be more and then... it didn’t happen), and I hope you’ll enjoy it! Happy New Year everyone!

The first time you hear Jungkook’s name, it’s in the sentence “Man, is there anything Jungkook can’t do?”. You look up at your friend Jin from the book you’re studying. You have no idea who Jungkook is, but that doesn’t mean anything. Jin is always complaining about how you don’t know anyone on the campus, which you think is quite unfair.

…but then you really don’t know that many people on the campus.

“What’s going on?” you ask him, because he sounds extremely annoyed, and he shows you his phone. On it, there is a score for a basketball game. You think.

Your college is famous for its basketball team… Right?

“Uh-uh,” you still say with a nod, trying to make it look like you have any idea what you’re talking about.

“This kid is crushing it at school, the girls love him, and now this!” Jin complains, a little too loud, and shushing noises come from a spot behind you. You turn around to give the group an apologetic look. “I really shouldn’t have bet against him.”

Ah, there you know what to say.

“You really need to stop making bets. You never win them.”

Jin glares at you.

“And you are a terrible friend. You’re supposed to comfort me!”

“I’ll comfort you when you stop making the worst choices imaginable,” you mutter, going back to your work. Jungkook’s name, his supposed excellence, and that basketball match — if it even is basketball — leave your mind as fast as they entered it, without leaving a trace behind.

“So the school’s won another basketball game, huh?”

You look up at Namjoon who’s just arriving to the table, holding his tray in his hands. You know he can’t possibly be talking to you about that, so you’re not surprised when Jin appears behind him. That doesn’t stop you from throwing Namjoon a disgusted look.

“Really, Joon? Sports?”

Namjoon shoots you an amused glance from behind his glasses. It’s notorious in your friends’ group that you despise conversations around that subject. You hate anything that involves objects flying around and anything that’s played in a team, and, apparently, those are the only sports that people care about. They could discuss athletics, or swimming, which you wouldn’t enjoy but you wouldn’t hate, but that never happens.

“You were right, Jin. That Jungkook guy really is impressive.”

You tune them out. You don’t care about basketball.

“You’re talking about yesterday’s game?” Yoongi asks, coming out of thin air, and you sigh. You had been hoping you would have at least one person to talk to during lunch.

“Jungkook’s friends with Hoseok,” Jin says, leaning forward conspiratorially, which does get your attention. If that’s true, then that Jungkook guy can’t be a completely terrible person. Hoseok is probably the nicest person you’ve ever met.

That being said, he might have very low standards for his friends. You know him enough to appreciate him, not to judge his tastes.

“So I’m going to become friends with him,” Jin announces triumphantly, only to be rewarded by a chorus of groans and protests.

“But why, Jin?” you ask. “Please don’t talk about popularity. This isn’t high school anymore.”

“And that stuff was already stupid back then,” Namjoon adds, and you nod. You can always count on Namjoon to support you.

“And I hate people,” Yoongi says.

“And Yoongi hates people!” Namjoon immediately picks up. “Do you really want to make him go through that?”

You grin at the question. Yoongi’s misanthropy always comes in handy. Jin, however, is not amused, but he just shakes his head disapprovingly. He’s used to the three of you teaming up against him by now. Usually, it’s on academical subjects, but he isn’t phased by it anymore regardless of that. Not that there’s much that can phase Jin anyway.

“First of all, I said I was going to be his friend, not you lowly peasants, and second, he seems like a nice guy! Do I need another reason to want to make friends?”

You tilt your head.

“He’s protesting too much,” you say.

“I agree,” Namjoon nods. “That’s suspicious.”

“Very suspicious.”

“Come on,” Jin rolls his eyes, “do you really think that little of me?”

“And now he’s trying to guilt-trip us. Joon, can’t you analyze that conversation and figure out what it all means?”

“You know that’s not how literary analysis works, right?” Jin asks you, but you ignore him.

“Actually, it is,” Namjoon says, pushing his glasses back on his nose. “I’d say you were right with your comment,” he adds, looking at you. “I’d say… this is about parties.”

“You’re not going to actually believe—”

“Thanks, Joon,” you say, and the two of you high-five without looking at each other. Yoongi lets out an appreciate whistle.

Even if Namjoon and you aren’t being serious about this, parties actually make sense. Jin… isn’t quite a social butterfly but, unlike the three of you, he does enjoy people’s company to some degree. You know first hand that he’s been to a few this year — you had accompanied him for moral support — but they were pretty tame, and you’re aware that he at least wants to try some more intense stuff. The problem was that those were harder to be invited to. Hoseok could probably do something about it, but he tends to avoid parties on campus.

“Okay, then you should go for it,” you nod.

Yoongi and Namjoon, sitting on either side of you, approve. Jin looks a little surprised at your reaction.

“That changed your mind?”

“You said you wanted ‘the full college experience’,” Namjoon explains with a shrug. “If you think that’s part of it, we wouldn’t want to hold you back.”

“We will judge you for it, though,” Yoongi warns without batting an eyelid, pokerface perfect, and you laugh. You won’t be mean about it, of course. You just might tease him a little.

“Thank you,” Jin says. “I’ll do it, then.”

Good. If you’re lucky, it will be out of his system next time you all have lunch together.

Lady luck had never been on your side, for as long as you could remember. It wasn’t like you got the worst of things either, but usually, things that could go wrong, did go wrong. Because of that, you tried your best to remove those things from your path. Sometimes, though, you just didn’t manage to identify them.

And that’s why, when you hear Jin’s voice and look up from your food, being the first at the table as always, you see he’s accompanied by two people.

One of them has fluffy, dark brown hair, falling on either side of his face and in his eyes. He’s talking and laughing, and there’s something that you can’t help but identify as mischievous in his smile. The other is slightly taller, with jet black hair held up in a bun. He’s quiet, mouth opening for silent laughs when his friend jokes. Between them, there’s Jin, and you think that they look good together. All handsome, all holding themselves with confidence.

You had realized before that Jin felt out of place in your group, from an outside point of view at least, but it’s never been as striking as it is now, as he’s walking with people he clearly belongs with.

It makes you really thankful that he’s your friend.

“Hey,” Jin says, smiling widely, “these are—”

“You’re untying your hair before eating?” you say, looking at the guy with the bun who just sat opposite from you and took off his hair tie with a sigh. He looks up at you with wide round eyes, like you just caught him red-handed — doing what, you’re not quite sure.

That is the first thing you ever say to Jeon Jungkook.

“Um. Yes?”

“Aren’t you afraid you’ll get hair in your food?”

You know people find you too blunt sometimes, think you come off as aggressive, but you almost never intend for that to happen. In that case, you just think the logic here is a bit surprising.

“That’s… a good point, actually.”

“(Y/N),” Jin sighs, “let me introduce you to Jungkook” (he points to the man who’s now tying his hair back up) “and Taehyung.” (he points to the other guy, who’s flashing you a smile.)

“Oh,” you say, looking back at Jungkook. “You play basketball.”

He lets out an awkward laugh and avoids your eyes. Instead, he grabs his fork and focuses on it, twirling it in his hand.

“Yeah, I do— I do that.”

Huh. It takes you a second to piece things together, and you think Namjoon will be of great help once he’ll be there, but for now, one conclusion comes to you.

Jungkook is shy.

“I play basketball too,” Taehyung says, leaning over the table, grinning at you, and you can tell that it’s his way of swooping in to save Jungkook. You can appreciate that.

“She hates basketball,” Jin warns.

“That’s a strong word,” you say, but only half-heartedly, because, well, you definitely don’t like it.

“I think it works.”

“You think what works?”

Jin’s face falls while you grin. If Taehyung is Jungkook’s savior, Namjoon is yours. Your friend sends you a questioning look as he sits next to you, facing Taehyung. He gives polite nods to the two basketball players, like they sit with you at lunch every week, but you notice that he doesn’t quite meet their eyes. Namjoon is not particularly shy, nor a misanthrope like Yoongi, he just isn’t too comfortable around people he’s just met.

You and Jin, well, you’re perhaps a little too comfortable. Not everyone likes it.

“He says I hate basketball.”

“But that would imply you care about basketball.”

“Exactly.”

“And you don’t.”

“I know.”

“Which means you don’t hate basketball. As always, you’re wrong, Jin.”

Jin looks extremely, extremely done with you, but when you and Namjoon high-five, Jungkook laughs quietly and Taehyung nods in appreciation — for the gesture, not the debate.

That is the moment when Yoongi drops his tray on the table and sends a weird glance towards Taehyung and Jungkook.

“What did I miss?” he asks. His tone is a bit dry, and you see Jin’s shoulders straightening. He knows Yoongi is going to be the most difficult one to win over. Not that you’ve been won over yet, but you’re not that difficult. Usually, people don’t like you, not the other way around. You don’t blame them. You’re not sure you’d like yourself very much if you were in their place.

“Oh,” Jungkook says spontaneously, “we had a class together last year! You’re majoring in engineering, right?”

Yoongi looks at him. His eyes are shining with suspicion, and you can practically see the gears turning in his head. Knowing him, he’s definitely wondering why Jungkook would even remember him.

“Right,” he finally confirms, slowly.

There’s a moment of silence, which Namjoon breaks.

“I’m a literature major, by the way.”

“That’s really cool,” Jungkook comments honestly, with the same spontaneity he displayed earlier.

“And I’m in mathematics,” you say.

“Wow. I thought you people existed only in legends,” Taehyung says while Jungkook avoids your eyes. You decide that, yeah, you like Kim Taehyung.

“Don’t say that, I like maths,” Jungkook protests, voice soft, much to your surprise — and, judging by his reaction, Taehyung’s.

You were right, you decide. Jungkook is not a completely terrible person.

You didn’t expect it to become a routine, for Jungkook and Taehyung to eat with you guys, but it does, and as time goes on, other people join your little table. You’re not sure you like that. It’s clear that those people are orbiting around Jungkook, which, good for them, but you don’t see why you need to be there for that.

You do see that Jungkook is not completely comfortable with all of it. He’s good at handling people, good at making jokes and at laughing at the right times, you notice, but there is a stiffness in his shoulders more often than not, and it looks like he’s well-trained at it rather than enjoying it. It kind of reminds you of Jin, except Jin is not as quiet the rest of the time. Taehyung obviously does his best not to let his friend deal with things alone, which is sweet, but he can’t do everything for him.

You barely exchange a word with Jungkook during that time period. You’re usually trying to be forgotten when the table is buzzing with noise, finding refuge in Namjoon and Yoongi’s company. You thought Yoongi would be an ally in reclaiming what’s always been your spot, but it quickly becomes obvious that he has a crush on Taehyung’s friend Jimin, so he never complains about the recent invasion of the table by strangers.

You hear a lot of basketball vocabulary. More than you care for, to be honest. That’s one of the few moments when Jungkook’s face lights up and he gets truly excited, with an almost childish happiness. His demeanor changes, from shy to confident, and the transformation never ceases to amaze you. As soon as the conversation ends, his shoulders fall, he smiles awkwardly, and focuses back on his food or his phone.

You’ve met his eyes a few times in those moments, because he often looks around him like he’s afraid someone’s noticed. He averts his very quickly, though, so you’ve never said anything about it.

So, really, there’s not much that changes. You still only speak to your three friends — you think Taehyung is a good person, and you don’t think he hates you, but you don’t have anything to say to each other —, and sure, you have a little less space when you eat and more noise around you, but aside from that, it’s pretty much the same. You think that’s a relief. You’re not too fond of change.

Usually, you’re pretty decent at spotting it coming. You did miss it when Jin said he was going to become Jungkook’s friend, but other than that you’re able to do your best to avoid it. You don’t see anything coming the day Taehyung calls out your name, though. You look up at him from the book Namjoon is showing you, surprised. He has an arm slung over Jungkook’s shoulders, and Jungkook isn’t looking at you, of course.

“Do you think you could explain a maths-thing to Jungkook?”

You blink at him.

“What’s the ‘maths-thing’?”

“Does it matter?”

You raise an eyebrow, and Jungkook groans. You get the feeling that he didn’t really want Taehyung to ask you about it. He sends an annoyed glance to his friend, who is still smiling brightly at you, while pushing a lock of hair out of his face. His hair is tied, but this one traitorous lock always escapes.

“I’m struggling a little with probabilities,” he admits, glancing at you for half a second. “But I’m sure I’ll be fine once I can get my head back into it, I’ve just been training a lot recently and—”

“I can help you, if you want,” you say. “I’m not the most fond of probabilities, but it should be okay.”

“Great!” Taehyung says, patting his friend’s shoulder before Jungkook can answer. “You should do that then.”

“You’re sure you don’t mind?” Jungkook asks, actually looking at you this time. You meet his eyes, notice that he looks worried about it. You can’t figure out why.

“I really don’t,” you shrug.

He smiles at you, a small, hesitant smile, but a smile nonetheless. Probably the first one he directs at you. It’s a nice sight, you decide, and you smile back.

Jin’s sentence “is there anything Jungkook can’t do” takes all its sense on the day you meet Jungkook at the library to study. You don’t know what you expected. You never thought Jungkook was dumb or anything, but since Taehyung asked you to help, you thought he would have some difficulties, at least. However, as it turns out, he either understands immediately when you explain something to him, or he’s already understood it. He asks for some clarifications here and there, but all in all, you feel kind of useless.

“You don’t need me at all,” you say after a little while, and Jungkook looks up from the book with the worried wide-eyed look you’ve gotten used to.

“No, no, you’re doing a great job,” he protests. “You’re really helping me out here.”

“No I’m not. It’s obvious that you could do that all on your own.”

He deflates a little at that, looks away from you.

“You help,” he mumbles. “I have a hard time focusing when I’m alone.”

Oh.

That makes a lot of sense to you, actually. You’re good at focusing all of your energy on one thing, perhaps even too good, to the point where you easily get obsessed and become unable to take care of anything else, but even you need the right conditions for that.

“Okay,” you say with a nod.

Jungkook gives you an anxious look.

“So you don’t mind helping me out?” he asks, and there’s something in his voice that catches you, but you can’t tell what it is exactly. Maybe it’s the hope, or maybe it’s the fear. You don’t understand what he’d be afraid of. Worst case scenario, you would say no. That wouldn’t be the end of the world.

“We can work together,” you offer. “You can ask me if you need help for anything and I’ll just work on some other stuff.”

He seems relieved, and again, you just don’t understand it. It’s not like you’re his only option. There are plenty of people out there who could help him. Plenty of people who would jump at the opportunity of helping him. You know that, because he’s always surrounded by those people, and everybody in school seems to know him. Even when you walked into the library with him earlier, before you got to the table you’re sitting at now, a few students greeted him. You don’t see why he would attach any importance to you, specifically, helping him. You barely know each other.

“Thanks,” he says, and he gives you a small smile. For some reason, that makes you drop the subject. Instead of asking about it — which, knowing yourself, you probably would have — you shrug it off and reply with a nod.

The silence that follows feels comfortable, to you at least. You’ve never minded silence. Jin hates it, though. You get to work, watching absent-mindedly as Jungkook goes through the lesson he was working on. He does ask you a couple of questions, but it’s probably to make you feel like you’re doing something rather than because he actually needs it. You still answer them, and watch him grin, satisfied with himself, when he turns out to be right every single time.

“Are you coming to Taehyung’s party this week-end?” he asks out of the blue after about an hour.

You look up, surprised. The two of you haven’t exchanged much, and certainly have not talked about anything other than— well, other than maths. His eyes are on his notebook, as usual, and you don’t get any insight as to why he asked the question.

“I don’t know. Is Jin coming?”

“Uh, I guess? Taehyung’s probably talked to him about it.”

“Then I’m probably going.”

Jungkook mulls over your answer for a few seconds, twirling his pencil between his fingers, and you feel like you have to clarify, which is not an urge you have often. Usually, you let people decipher for themselves what you meant. That works very well with Namjoon, sometimes with Yoongi, not so great with the rest of the world. Including Jin, though Jin compensates with his impressive ability to interpret everything you say in his favor.

“We always go to parties with Jin. For moral support.”

For all that you tease him, you genuinely care for him. You know he wants you to go with him, so you do. It’s as simple as that.

Jungkook doesn’t look at you, but he still smiles at what you say, and it’s— it’s interesting. There’s something about his behavior that makes you curious, like you are when you’re trying to solve a complicated equation.

“That’s nice,” he comments.

“So… you’ll be there?” you ask. It’s taken you a long time to come up with that simple question. It often takes you a long time to find things to say to keep a conversation going. You’re pretty bad at it.

“It’s at my fraternity,” Jungkook informs you, glancing at you briefly, and you smile. This is exactly the type of party Jin wanted to go to. He’s probably happy about it. “The entire basketball team should be there.”

Great. People.

“That’s nice,” you say, because you have no idea what to add at this point. Jungkook simply nods, and the conversation dies an awkward death.

It’s another half an hour until Jungkook looks at his watch and starts putting his stuff back in his bag.

“I have to go to practice,” he tells you, clearly in a hurry. “Can we— Would you mind if—”

“We can do this again. If that’s what you meant.”

He gives you a bright smile, and that actually surprises you. He looks relieved that you finished his sentence for him.

“Thank you,” he says sincerely.

And just like that, he’s gone, practically running out of the library. For someone who talks as little as he does, he sure leaves a void when he goes away, you think, looking at the empty chair.

But you quickly shrug it off. You’re used to being alone. You like being alone.

Jungkook isn’t going to change that.

You realize very quickly that, while accompanying Jin to parties was never something you particularly enjoyed, going to this one was downright a mistake.

You have this unspoken rule, with your friends, that you shouldn’t stick together the entire time. You’re supposed to wander off, find something to do for yourself, maybe talk to some people. Get that college experience. You’ve never had a problem to do that, even if you ended up quietly sipping soda in a corner more often than not.

Here, though, you simply cannot shake off the fact that you don’t belong here, that this is not your scene. The people here are loud, energetic, garish. They make you feel like a black and white picture, like a silent movie. You want to run away, but you can’t. You don’t want to leave Jin, Namjoon or Yoongi behind, even if you doubt they’re having the same kind of problems you do. You’re pretty sure you saw Yoongi talking with Jimin, and last time you saw Namjoon, you think a cheerleader was holding him by the hand and leading him out of the room. You don’t know what Jin’s doing, but you’re trusting that he’s okay.

You walk around aimlessly, find Jungkook and Taehyung playing beer-pong with some people. Maybe you should be happy to see people you know, but you’re not. If anything, it only drives the point home even more to see them so comfortable: you don’t belong here. Your chest tightens, and you turn around. You need a little peace and quiet. You need to get away.

“(Y/N)!”

You jump at the sound of your name. No one’s said it since you’ve entered the house. No one knows you here.

Except Jungkook, who’s right behind you.

He’s more confident than usual, and you guess, based on his slightly hazy eyes, that it has a lot to do with alcohol.

“Are you having fun? How long have you been here? It’s nice to see you!”

He’s speaking fast, excitedly, and as he does, he runs his fingers through his hair, which he’s let down. It looks good on him, you decide, even as you reply to him with a tense smile.

“Hey, you should join us, we’re—”

“Do you have a closet somewhere?”

Jungkook blinks.

“A closet?”

“Yeah.”

There are probably very few things that are less weird than asking a guy if he has a closet you can get into because you’re on the verge of having a panic attack and you can’t stay outside surrounded by people a second longer.

Jungkook doesn’t say anything about it, though. He just leads you through the house and opens the door to a closet for you. You get inside without giving it much more thought, and he looks at you, puzzled. He’s actually looking at you, which you decide confirms that he is drunk.

“Do you— Are you waiting for someone?”

“No,” you say. “I just need a little break.”

He thinks about your answer for a while, probably longer than needed, and nods.

And then, he gets into the closet with you and closes the door.

Inside, it’s dark, with only a ray of light coming in. You can’t see his face, which doesn’t help you understand why he just did that. The space is cramped, and you can smell alcohol coming from his breath, can feel the heat radiating from his body, but it doesn’t bother you that much. It’s still better in here than outside.

“Why did you do that?”

“I thought I would keep you company. Like you’re here to keep company to Jin, you know?”

He’s drunk, definitely, and yet you feel genuinely touched by his words. You shouldn’t, because you doubt they hold that much meaning, but you can’t help it. You don’t need company, but that’s besides the point. His intentions are what matters.

“Thank you,” you say.

“It’s not a problem. You’re helping me with my maths.”

Your first reaction is to laugh at that, because it feels completely unprompted, but then the logic of the reasoning kind of appears to you.

“I mean it!” Jungkook protests. “You haven’t talked about how I’m good at everything or how I’m the one who should help you.”

You frown.

“You shouldn’t help me. You’re good at maths, but I’m better than you.”

It’s Jungkook’s turn to laugh, and just like his earlier smile, it takes you completely by surprise. It’s not one of those quiet laughs that he usually has. It’s light and pleasant, and you briefly wonder what his face looks like when he laughs like that. You kind of want to see it.

“You’re a scary person,” he tells you when he’s stopped laughing. “You always say those things directly. It’s like you don’t even care.”

You’ve heard that before. Well, you haven’t been called scary until now, but people have said that you were intimidating. You, personally, believe you’re the least threatening person to have ever walked this Earth. You couldn’t hurt a fly if you wanted to.

Jungkook makes some sense here, though. Your filter is very limited, and there are a lot of things you say that feel acceptable to you, and that other people… don’t think are acceptable. You don’t mean to do it. It just happens.

“I think you’re good at a lot of things, though,” you say slowly.

Jungkook lets out a long sigh and then you hear him sliding down to the ground. You hesitate for about half a second before joining him down there. You fold your legs, holding your knees against your chest while you wait for him to say something.

“People are always saying that,” he finally mumbles. “But what if I’m not that good? What if I fail one day?”

It’s strange. You understand what he’s saying, understand the feeling of pressure, but you don’t understand the emotions that should come with it. In your case, you know that no one holds you to a higher standard than you do. It can be unhealthy, the way you can torture yourself if you don’t meet the standards you’ve set for yourself, but at least you’re the only one you have to answer to. Obviously, it’s not Jungkook’s case.

“Then you’ll try again,” you say, because that’s what you do when you fail. “Or, if you think it’s not that important, you won’t.”

“But what will they say?” he insists. “What if we lose the next game? Or the one after that? What if I fail a class? I can’t get anything done these days.”

“You’ll be fine,” you say soothingly, half-wondering how you ended up here, comforting the college’s golden boy in a closet after fighting off a panic attack. “It’s not like you’re the only one in your team. People will understand.”

You think they will. You hope they will. They should.

“You would understand.”

It’s true, but then, you really do not care for basketball, and it’s not like you have that sort of expectations for Jungkook. You wouldn’t think much of it, if he failed at something tomorrow. If it was the maths test you’ve helped him with, you would be surprised, but that’s because you saw him studying and it was obvious he had understood everything, not because you think he can inherently succeed at everything he does.

Which you guess might be the heart of the problem here.

You reach out to put your hand on his shoulder. It’s not that easy in the dark, and you wonder for a second if you’ve grabbed something else, until you feel hair tickling your skin. Yup, you were right.

“You have the right not to be good at something every once in a while,” you say softly. “No one can be on top of their game all of the time.”

You hear what sounds like a choked sob.

“I like that they’re counting on me, you know? I like that I’m helping them out by playing. I just— I don’t know what’s going to happen when I stop being as good.”

He said when, not if, and that breaks your heart.

Without thinking about it, you slide your hand down his arm and grab his hand. You squeeze it in yours, gently, and then you inch closer to put your head on his shoulder. You remember reading that physical touch was good for people who were in emotional pain. You hope it helps him.

“You locked yourself in here with me because you thought I needed company,” you whisper. “There’s so much more to you than just being good at sports or having good grades. And if people don’t see that, it’s their loss. Because you’re a great person.”

He hums, but the sound is quiet, and it’s then that you realize how tense he is.

Shit. You must have crossed a boundary. You start to remove your hand, but he closes his fingers around yours, keeping you in place. He’s still tense, you can feel it everywhere his body touches yours. But he doesn’t let go.

“You mean that,” he says. There are so many emotions in his voice that you can’t identify them all. Relief, happiness, amusement… You don’t know where to start.

“I usually mean what I say.”

“I’ve noticed,” he says, and you can hear the smile that’s dancing on his lips.

He’s still not letting go of your hand, but you don’t mind. Staying here, with Jungkook, in this small closet is as good a way of spending your evening as anything else you could do out there.

So you stay.

“Where did you all vanish Saturday?” Jin asks, and Namjoon, Yoongi and yourself immediately find your food a lot more interesting. You exchange panicked glances that mean ‘did none of you stay around? This was poorly coordinated’ before finally daring to look up.

“I talked to Jimin,” Yoongi says, face as inexpressive as always.

“I played some beer-pong with Taehyung,” Namjoon says.

That leaves only you.

“I talked to Jungkook,” you tell Jin. That is technically true. It omits the part where the two of you were together in a closet, but if you said that, there would be a lot of questions you don’t really want to answer to. Somehow, you think you would be more embarrassed to tell them that there was nothing going on there than if you told them you hooked up with him. You’re not sure why.

“Jungkook disappeared for a long time,” Jin says, narrowing his eyes at you.

You do your best to keep a straight face while you poke at your salad. You don’t want anyone here to have the wrong idea, and you finally manage to put your finger on what you’re afraid of. Humiliation. You’d feel humiliated at having to tell them that nothing happened and that there is nothing Jungkook could possibly see in you. They would be nice to you, of course they would, but you don’t want to see the look in their eyes.

“Did he? Maybe that was after I left. I didn’t stay that long.”

That’s a lie.

“Really?” Jin asks, clearly skeptical. “I think I saw you there pretty late.”

Maybe when you went down to get some snacks and drinks to bring back to the closet. Damn Jungkook and his stomach.

“Well, that depends what you mean by ‘late’ and ‘long’,” you say.

That’s you calling Namjoon for help, and he recognizes your SOS for what it is. From the way Jin’s face falls, so does he.

“She’s right,” Namjoon comments, so nonchalant you would almost believe he’s doing it naturally. “What is ‘late’, really? Isn’t it always—”

“Please stop,” Jin groans, burying his face in his hands. “Just because you’re a literature major doesn’t mean you’re the only one who understands words.”

“Actually it does,” you say with a nod. “That’s exactly what it means.”

You start lifting your hand for a high-five, relieved Jin’s attention is off you, but he sends the two of you a dark glare.

“You two are unbearable. Don’t do that.”

“We have to,” you protest. You would hate to miss a chance to high-five Namjoon.

“No you don’t, you—”

“Actually they do,” Yoongi says, and your jaw drops. Yoongi never intervenes, and you had always thought that if he did, it wouldn’t be in your favor. “That’s exactly how gravity works.”

Jin looks like his soul has left his body. He only comes back to himself after you, Yoongi and Namjoon have all exchanged high-fives.

“I hate you,” he says, sounding terribly tired. “I hate every single one of you.”

“Sorry Jin,” you smile warmly.

“No you’re not. You’re the worst.”

Except he sounds fond, affectionate, and you laugh before going back to your salad. You miss the quick glances your three friends exchange after that. They’ve all noticed you eluding and changing the subject. They don’t want to rush you, know you would hate it and that it’s better to drop it.

But they’ve noticed.

Working with Jungkook on Wednesday afternoons easily becomes a habit, so easily you don’t even notice it until it’s something you look forward to during the week. It adds to the time you already spend eating with him and Taehyung. Jungkook is, slowly, starting to become a part of your life. It’s a thought you refuse to dwell on, because it sounds so strange.

The Wednesdays afternoons are something special, though. You and Jungkook don’t really talk at lunch, even if he’s clearly more relaxed around you now, which you suspect is the reason why you’re ‘Taehyung-approved’. On Wednesdays, you— Well, you don’t talk much, either, but it’s different. It’s a time that only belongs to the two of you. You like that.

You slowly find out things about him, his family, his life. It’s never the main subject of conversation, but it makes you feel like you’re solving a puzzle.

“My father wanted me to focus on my classes and forget about basketball,” he comments once. “But I could do both.”

It makes you laugh, because he says it with obvious satisfaction, but it also makes you wonder if there’s more to it. Jungkook doesn’t add anything, though, and you don’t want to probe into his life, so you don’t ask. After that, small pieces of the puzzle keep falling into place.

“My high school coach told me I could train more if I didn’t work so hard for school.” But he could do both.

“My friends said I never hung out with them anymore and that I shouldn’t work so hard.” So he did both.

It’s always the same story. People telling him things, giving him opinions on what the should and shouldn’t do, and him stretching himself thinner and thinner. It’s almost a miracle he’s still doing as well as he is, honestly.

But his tone changes when he talks about his former relationships. He’s usually light and genuine, sharing with you just because. It’s clear that, as much as the stories make you frown, he doesn’t have an issue with them, and you guess that’s all that matters. The first time he says something about an ex-girlfriend of his, though, he’s guarded, almost careful. He sounds like he doesn’t want to tell you.

“My ex said I worked too much.”

He doesn’t add anything. Whatever it was she wanted, he couldn’t do it and work. Didn’t manage to do both. After that, he doesn’t look at you for the rest of the day, like he did when you first met.

You never get a name for the girlfriend. He talks about relationships again, but you don’t even know if he’s always talking about the same one. You doubt it, though, and it only makes things worse.

“My ex wanted me to attend fewer practices.”

“My ex said I didn’t care enough to make time for her.”

“My ex dumped me after I lost a game.”

That last one hurts you, because you remember him crying in the closet because of that exact fear. You want to take his hand again, but you can’t dare to.

“She’s stupid for that,” you say instead.

Jungkook looks surprised first, because you never comment on what he’s telling you, then a smile slowly forms on his lips.

“If the only reason she was with you was because you won a lot of games, you’re better off without her,” you add.

“That’s what Taehyung said.”

“Taehyung’s right.”

Jungkook goes quiet for a little while after that, to the point that you look up, worried that you might have offended him. When you do, he’s looking at you, something you can’t identify shining in his eyes.

“Everything okay?”

He blinks like he’d just woken up for a dream, then nods. He doesn’t tell you that he hadn’t believed what Taehyung said — until you said it and he looked at you and thought that yeah, maybe he was better off without her indeed.

You’re surprised to run into Jungkook late one night, as you’re walking back to your dorm. It shouldn’t shock you — you do go to the same college — but you’re so used to only ever seeing him in the library or the cafeteria that meeting him outside is almost confusing. At least he seems taken aback as well, if the way his already round eyes widen is anything to go by.

Then, his surprised face morphs into a smile, and a wave of warmth hits you without a warning. You don’t get any time to think about it before he waves at you. His shyness is not completely gone, and you see him waver, hesitate, even as he’s walking up to you. You’re quick to close the gap between you, meeting him in the middle. Just in case.

“Hey,” he says, voice a little raspy. He has what you identify as a sports bag, slung over his shoulder, and you wonder what he was doing out so late. You were working at the library until it closed, which is far from being rare for you, but that obviously wasn’t his case.

“Hey,” you reply, smiling back. “Were you— training?”

Amusement flashes in his eyes at the careful way you chose your words, afraid to get it wrong. As he grew more comfortable around you, he also started making fun of you for not knowing the first thing about basketball. Strangely, you don’t mind that much.

“I was at the gym,” he says. “Practice was earlier today.”

“Oh,” is all you can muster. You don’t know what you’re supposed to do. Should you ask what he was doing at the gym? The answer would only leave you with more questions, you’re sure.

You’re still debating it when Jungkook clears his throat. He reaches for his ponytail and undoes it, shaking his head so the hair fall back into place. The sight is— interesting. Pretty. You’re not sure why you’re so fascinated by it.

“Do you want me to walk you back to your dorm?” he asks, slight concern in his voice. “It’s late.”

“Is it on your way back?” you question, frowning. You would hate to be a bother.

“No, but—”

“I’m fine, then. I do that several times a week, I’ve never had a problem.”

That was, apparently, not the thing to say. Jungkook only looks more worried now.

“Several times a week? That’s really not careful.”

“I don’t see a problem, there’s no one around.”

“That’s exactly my p—” He stops and shakes his head, but gives a look you’ve seen before. A lot. It’s a look that says ‘I can’t believe someone as smart as you can also be so stupid’, in those exact terms. “Expected value,” he then says, and your eyes widen a little. Maths! Great. You can do maths. “Let’s say there’s a 99% chance nothing happens. Your gain is still minimal.”

Well, you get to study late and enjoy a walk home alone at night, but you’re willing to humor him.

“But in the one per-cent where something bad happens…”

He doesn’t have to finish his sentence. You know exactly where this is going, and you let out a sigh. He’s not wrong. On that aspect, at least.

“Fine.”

He grins widely.

“I just beat you at maths.”

“You didn’t beat me, I—”

“I just beat you at maths!”

You roll your eyes, choose to let him have that. It’s not going to change anything to your behavior after tonight, because the day has not come where you’ll let probabilities rule your life, but, after all, you don’t mind sharing your night walk with him.

Jungkook starts showing up to walk you home whenever he can. It’s not every time, which you’re kind of thankful for — you like his company, but you like being alone just as much, and you need a healthy dose of that every week —, but it does happen regularly. You find him sitting in front of the library, freezing cold, and you take pity on him, buying him a coffee from the vending machine inside, seconds before they lock the building.

That’s how you find out he likes his coffee tasting as little like coffee as possible.

Sometimes, he joins you later, and you hear him jogging to catch up with you. You don’t have the heart to tell him that that defeats the purpose of everything he’s doing, because it’s absolutely terrifying.

As the days turn into weeks, the air becomes colder, and you start seeing Christmas decorations appearing over the campus. You don’t know who is in charge of doing that, but they must be excited about it, because tinsel and few strings of fairy lights start appearing around the campus at the end of November. Jungkook is delighted by it, and you enjoy watching his reactions. You’re not big on Christmas, personally. You enjoy the tradition, the gift-giving, spending time with your family — you’re visiting them briefly this year — but you mostly see Christmas as an excuse for all of that. Jungkook loves it, though, and you decide that his excitement makes you like the season a little more.

“Hey, we should make a stop,” he tells you one night.

You look at him like he’s crazy. It’s the middle of December and it’s already half past nine. You’re cold, it’s dark outside, and you want to go home.

“A stop?” you repeat.

“Oh, c’mon,” he says, and he has that wide, childish grin that you’ve seen only a handful of times. You haven’t learned how to resist it yet. “C’mon!”

You sigh. But you follow.

As it turns out, he takes you just a little way off your usual trajectory. Behind a building you’ve never really paid attention to, Jungkook leads you to a small basketball court. You eye the place suspiciously. It’s empty, well lit, but you never know. A ball might come out of nowhere to hit you in the face, as they had a tendency to do when you were in high school and playing for a team that had picked you last.

By the time you turn around to tell Jungkook that, okay, you’ve seen it, let’s go home now, he’s taken off his coat and pulled a basketball out of his bag. You don’t even want to ask. His grin is even wider than earlier.

“C’mon,” he says.

“Absolutely not.”

“Let me show you, okay?”

You want to say no but— It can���t hurt, right? And Jungkook loves basketball, and you’re his— friend or something, so you should try to take some interest in it.

You take off your coat and let him lead you onto the court. There, you watch him as he dribbles in what you guess is an effective way (you can’t know for sure, you’re barely able to catch the ball after it’s bounced once so your standards are incredibly low), and then demonstrates his ability to score a handful of times. It’s not that you’re not impressed — again, you can’t do anything with this unpredictable, devilish round thing — but you also can’t say this is a quality you think much of.

You liked it a lot better when he convinced you to let him walk you home by talking about the expected value.

“You want to try?” he offers, holding the ball out for you.

You would rather die.

But you take the ball from his hand and eye the basket like it’s personally offended you. That makes Jungkook laugh.

“You can get closer than that,” he says.

You hold back a groan, aim and, of course, fail. It’s almost a relief. You can cross that off your list, again, just like you did as a kid first, then as a teenager. You’re bad at sports, always have been and, considering the effort you’re putting into it those days, always will be. That’s something you can count on.

Before you can say anything, Jungkook’s caught the ball and is running back towards you.

“Okay, let me show you.”

Is he going to— No, he’s just demonstrating it. You’re kind of disappointed not to get your typical ‘guy teaching girl anything sports related’ moment, disappointed that he doesn’t come to stand behind you to show you like they do in movies, but you can’t unpack that right now. You do watch with some degree of interest as he shows you how to position yourself.

“So you really aim for the line above the basket, not the basket, okay?”

“If you think that just because I aim for something I hit it…”

He chuckles, then gives the ball back to you, and you sigh. This. This is why you hate sports. It’s not the one-off failure, that would be fine on its own. It’s the constant humiliation whenever you even try it. You’re going to fail this attempt, and the next one, and the one after that. You’re a lost cause. You’re fine with it, too, but you don’t particularly want to go through that again.

You do your best, though. Not because you think it will change something, but because you kind of want to prove that this isn’t all you. That, even if you’re trying your hardest, there’s just something that refuses to let you score or do it right.

“Wait!” Jungkook walks over to you, puts his hand on your back, and you freeze. “You need to straighten yourself a little,” he says, placing his hand between your shoulder blades, and you nod. His hand is warm and large, you can feel it even over your sweatshirt. “There.”

He removes the hand, and you’re left a little off balance without him by your side. You shake your head quickly, shoot, and, without any surprise, miss.

Jungkook is on the ball just as fast as before, but you’re as quick as him to grab your coat and put it back on. You’re already feeling warm all over, though.

“You don’t want to try again?” he asks, sounding genuinely disappointed.

Of course, you take pity on him.

“Maybe next time,” you say.

He gives you a bright smile, so genuinely happy, and you know that you won’t be able to deny him next time either.

Jin is the reason you’re here, and that is the version you will stick with. No, you didn’t want to go see a basketball game, even if Jungkook is playing. No, you didn’t feel the slightest bit curious about it. No, you would not be there if Jin hadn’t asked. It’s Jin’s fault if you’re here on a Friday night instead of being, well, at your place, likely doing something equally as unproductive.

You don’t even understand what is going on in the field. There’s a lot of running and throwing the ball, that’s for sure, but then, you’ve just learned that scoring from different places in the field and at different moments will not earn the players the same amount of points.

You don’t think you’ve ever seen your friends look at you with such consternation as when they had to explain it to you.

In that situation, you can’t say that you get much from looking at the field. You definitely follow Jungkook with your eyes, cheer and clap when he scores, and let out cries of disappointment with the rest of the crowd when he doesn’t, but truly, the only way you have any idea what’s going on is by looking at the score board. And the truth is, that score is a little too close for comfort.

You hate that it has that much of an impact on you, but it stresses you out. Your leg bounces on the floor, an habit of yours Jin hates, but he’s too focused to notice, which is only more stressful. Jin always notices, and if it doesn’t, it must mean that the situation is dire.

The remaining seconds are slowly ticking down. Jungkook’s team is ahead by only one point, which means that if the other team scores, they will win. You think. You’re not entirely sure, but for your defense, you’ve just heard about it. Jungkook seems to be everywhere on the field. Taehyung is his shadow, perhaps not as noticeable or as spectacular in his actions, but certainly effective.

Again, you have no knowledge of basketball whatsoever.

Jin grabs your thigh, and only then do you realize that something’s happened. The action was so quick, so smooth, that you missed it entirely — but maybe you were also kind of thinking of something else.

Someone from the other team — you don’t even know your school’s team’s players, you’re not going to learn the other ones — just made a break for it. Based on what you can tell, Taehyung blocked his path, pushing him straight into Jungkook’s arms. In a movement you cannot begin to comprehend, Jungkook takes the ball from him, without ever stopping his run.

After that, he’s unstoppable.

He crosses the field, looking almost like he’s dancing in the way he avoids his opponents, and, of course, scores.

The time falls to zero. The crowd stands up like one man, screaming and shouting, and you yourself find yourself jumping up to hug Jin. He hugs you back, but the two of you quickly separate, patting each other’s backs awkwardly.

Jin starts talking with Namjoon and Yoongi, but you tune them out — it’s not like you understand what they’re saying anyway — to look at the field. The players have lifted Jungkook on their shoulders and he’s laughing, holding on to them so he doesn’t fall, and you grin.

“Come on,” Jin says, “let’s go congratulate him!”

That sounds like a terrible idea, you think. You won’t be the only ones, as the crowd has already invaded the field, and you doubt you’ll be able to get very close.

You still follow him. You alternate between clinging to his arm and to his shoulders so you don’t lose him, and trust him to elbow his way through the crowd. You hear him apologizing profusely in front of you, but he does not stop. Slowly, you make it down. Once you’re off the stairs, people are not as compactly gathered, and you can just walk between them. Jin grins at you, and you give him a thumbs up. Yeah, he did good here. You can give him that.

“Hey, Jungkook!” he calls out.

Jungkook was talking with some girls, but he looks up at the sound of his name, excuses himself, and jogs towards the two of you.

And it is then, in the few seconds it takes him to get to you, that it hits you. Like a ton of bricks.

You had known that Jungkook was objectively attractive, of course. There was no ignoring that. But Jin was objectively attractive, too, and that had never changed anything between the two of you. With Jungkook, right now, it does. His skin is glistening with sweat, and he wipes his chin with his shirt, and oh no, you can see his well-defined biceps and the line of his abs, and some hair is escaping from his ponytail, and he’s grinning with a happy, proud smile, and his eyes are shining and—

Jungkook is hot. That’s your realization. You had been aware of it, technically, but it’s like it only clicks for you at that exact moment.

“You came,” he tells you with a bright smile, and you can feel your entire face heating up. You pray that it’s not visible.

“Yeah,” you squeak out. “Great, um, great game?”

It sounds like an interrogation because you have no idea if it was one. It looked difficult, but maybe that was because they played terribly today. You don’t know that.

Jungkook’s smile widens a little, and you know that he has you all figured out. He knows you don’t understand the first thing about this whole thing.

“Thanks,” he still says.

His chest is still heaving quickly, and it draws your attention to his— his everything. The way he’s leaning towards you as he’s trying to catch his breath doesn’t help either. You wait for Jin to say something, to save you, but when you look around, you realize the traitor has abandoned you completely.

Okay, he hasn’t technically abandoned you, he’s just gone to congratulate Taehyung, but it’s the same difference.

You hear someone else calling Jungkook’s name before you’ve figured out what to say. He looks around, then gives you an apologetic look.

“Sorry, I—”

“No problem, you should— I have to go anyway.”

This is not like you. You’re an awkward person, and you struggle in social situations, but you don’t usually trip over your words like that. You kind of hate it.

“Okay, so, um, I’ll see you…?”

“Wednesday, yeah. Or— before. At lunch. If you’re there.”

This is terrible.

“Okay.” Jungkook gives you one last smile, and then he’s off, and you’re standing alone in the middle of a crowd. Your chest is heavy and it feels painful.

You hate this.

It’s only after that that you start realizing how big of a part Jungkook now plays in your life. He walks you home at night sometimes. You eat with him once or twice a week. You study together for an entire afternoon on Wednesdays. He’s just— everywhere. And it’s not that it’s a bad thing, because the feeling you get when you see him is a pleasant one, but it is disconcerting. It’s something that you have no control over whatsoever and that’s not— that’s not good for you.

You realize how much attention you were already paying to him, too, which is even more annoying. The signs were there. You should have understood this sooner. If you had, maybe you could have prevented it.

Because that’s the thing. You know the situation is ridiculous. You believe Jungkook sees you as a friend, and you’re happy with that, but there is no way he thinks of you as anything else. That is not an idea you should even begin to entertain. You can handle rejection, you’re used to it in so many aspects, though it’s rarely romantic, but you cannot take getting your hopes up only for them to be crushed.

The thing is, you can’t help it at this point, can’t force your feelings back in. There is so much to like about him. The way he plays with his hair, the quiet laughs when he’s in public, the loud ones when he’s walking you home, the sparkle in his eyes when he asks you a question in maths and it turns out he already had it right, the look on his face when he talks about basketball,… There’s so much.

You briefly consider avoiding him, but that’s not really an option. You like being his friend. You see your feelings as annoying, pesky little things that have no business being there in the first place. You don’t even hate the rush that goes through you when you see him, the way just looking at him brings a smile to your lips that you simply can’t hold back.

But you really, really hate the wishful thinking. The hope.

The feelings are fine, as long as you don’t think too hard about it. As long as he doesn’t have a girlfriend. Because that would break your heart.

And it’s only a matter of time before that happens.

You really considered declining when Jin asked you to come to this New Year’s party. Your last experience had effectively convinced you that those new parties he was getting invited to were not for you. That was fine, to each their own, but that did mean you didn’t really want to go. He clearly didn’t need you there anyway. You didn’t even know why he asked.

But he did, and he insisted, and he gave you his best puppy eyes, and that’s the thing about Jin: he’s very, very good at giving puppy eyes.

So that’s why you’re there, wearing a red dress that’s way too flashy for you, leaning against a wall and staring into the void. You feel empty and, though you’re not alone, lonely. You’re surrounded by strangers, and there are people everywhere in the house, but you don’t know them, and you can’t just start a conversation with them. It’s not something you do, it’s not even something you want.

You haven’t felt the urge to lock yourself inside a closet yet, though, so you guess that’s an improvement compared to last time.

Looking around, you can see Jimin, perched on the counter, listening to Yoongi talk with a smile on his face. Jin is somewhere else in the room and, though you can’t see him, you sometimes hear him, so you know he has his flirting voice on. Namjoon is nowhere to be seen, but that’s probably a good sign. He always get lucky at those parties. You don’t know how he does it. It’s impressive, honestly. Hoseok showed up earlier, and everyone greeted him like he was a star — which is kind of accurate, actually, at the campus’ scale.

You know, of course, that Jungkook and Taehyung, as inseparable as ever, are by the pool table. You also hate that you know it, because now your mind is constantly wondering if it’s weird that you haven’t been there yet, or if it would be weird to show up. Neither, probably, because exactly no one cares except for you, but you’re the master of torturing yourself with useless considerations.

God, you hate having a crush. It’s just so— unpractical. You also hate that you didn’t see that one coming, and that you didn’t do anything about it until it was too late. Usually, you’re pretty good at nipping those kinds of feelings in the bud. Now, you can only wait it out.

With a sigh, you push yourself away from the wall to wander aimlessly around the house. You promised Jin you’d stay until midnight, and you intend to keep that promise. It’s not like there’s anything for you to do, but still, that way you can look like you’re doing something and look a little less weird. Or maybe you don’t. It doesn’t really matter anyway.

Passing in front of the room with the pool table, you realize that Jungkook is gone. Taehyung is still there, playing with Hoseok, both looking pretty wasted, but Jungkook has vanished. That’s not good. You don’t want him to spring up on you out of nowhere like he did last time. You won’t know how to react if that happens, probably fumble for words, and it will be very unpleasant and very embarrassing for everyone.

You consider finding another closet, then decides against it. There’s just fifteen minutes left until midnight, anyway. That’s not too long. You can just wait it out.

You slowly make your way through the house. No sign of Jungkook anywhere. Maybe he left. Maybe he’s already back to the pool table and you missed him completely. Maybe he’s locked himself in a room with a girl and—

Oh you hate this. You hate feeling jealous. You hate that you have no control over it, you hate that it makes you sad, you hate that you have no right to feel like that. Jungkook isn’t yours. He’s probably even considered you for anything. You should consider yourself lucky you’re even friends with him in the first place.

You do your best to push everything out of your mind. Alcohol has never looked more tempting, but you don’t want the hangover with the morning, so you ignore the inviting bottles of beer and walk out.

It’s freezing — of course it’s freezing, it’s December you idiot, is there anything you can do right tonight — and you shiver, but you stay there. The cold is both numbing and soothing, and while you’re mentally complaining about it, you’re not thinking about anything else, so that’s good.

The door opens and closes behind you, and you guess someone is coming out to smoke. You move over to give them some space, but just as you do that, a jacket falls over your shoulders. You jump at first, and then the warmth makes you sigh in relief.

“You shouldn’t go out without a coat,” Jungkook says, because of course it’s him.

“I feel that you’ve been scolding me a lot recently,” you chuckle, glancing up at him.

He pouts, buries his hands in his pockets. He’s obviously cold as well, but at least his shirt covers his arms.

It also hugs his muscles real nice, but that’s besides the point.

“That’s because you make very poor decisions,” he mutters, looking at his feet. “You have to realize that.”

“You’re right. I could have taken my coat outside.”

“You know that walking back all alone in the middle of the night is way worse,” he protests, and then you laugh, because that’s exactly what you wanted, and he goes quiet for a second. “Don’t make fun of me,” he mumbles, looking away from you again.

“I’m not,” you say, and you take a step in his direction so you can bump your shoulder against his. “You shouldn’t worry that much, but I think it’s nice that you do. I was just trying to get a rise out of you.”

“That worked really well,” he says, and he sounds surprised about it. You wonder if it’s because he usually doesn’t get angry for stuff, but you can’t tell for sure. “Hey, you—”

People start shouting numbers inside, and you turn around to look at them.

“It’s midnight,” you say.

“Five!”

You look up at Jungkook. He’s significantly taller than you. Not as much as Namjoon, but still.

“Four!”

Jungkook looks back at you, smiles, and it takes your breath away. His hair looks very good like that, you think absent-mindedly, with the way it falls on either side of his face.

“Three!”

It’s too late to go back inside now. It would definitely be a weird thing to do. Which means you’re here, alone, with Jungkook.

“Two!”

Your eyes flicker to his lips. You wonder what it would be like to kiss them. You haven’t let yourself even consider it before, but right now your brain isn’t functioning all that well. Probably because of how loud your heart is beating in your chest.

“One!”

You look back up and his eyes are wide and focused on you. There’s that same tension in his shoulders as when you first met him, except, back then, he couldn’t look at you, and now it seems that he can’t look away.

“Happy new year!”

You decide you shouldn’t think about your next move. You get on your tiptoes to plant a kiss at the corner of his lips, right at the border between friends and something else, but he leans forward right at that moment, and his hands cup your face, and then he’s kissing you.

It’s like an explosion. You don’t know what you should focus on. How warm he is, how soft and large his hands are, how his lips move against yours, how he tastes, or simply the fact that he’s kissing you, Jungkook is kissing you!

The door slams open, and the two of you move away in a jump.

“Happy new year Jungkook!” Taehyung shouts, obviously drunk, soon joined by several other members of the basketball team. If he’s seen what happened, he doesn’t say anything, and you doubt Taehyung would have that kind of control over himself.

Soon, Jungkook is surrounded and they start to drag him back inside. He gives you a brief, apologetic look, then follows them, laughing. You remain there, frozen, unsure of what to do. You take a hesitant step towards the door, only to see a girl planting kisses on his cheeks while he blushes. What gets to you, though, is the arm he’s wrapped around her, the way he’s tracing circles on the naked skin of her shoulder. It makes the gesture look… intimate. Personal.

You let out a brief, bitter laugh, that there is fortunately no one to hear. You feel confused, but mostly, you feel stupid.

Fuck that.

It doesn’t take long for you to drop the jacket onto a chair and find your coat. You wish a happy new year to Namjoon, when you pass by him on your way out, and he looks a little surprised, like he hasn’t heard the shouting. You don’t want to know what he could have been up to.

You’ve kept your end of the bargain, you think as you leave. Jin won’t be able to complain to you. You feel some petty sort of satisfaction when you step outside and find yourself alone alone, finally. You like this. You like being alone. You’ve never asked for anything else.

You give one last look to the party, then vanish into the night. You’re better off on your own anyway.

“I don’t think I’ll be coming,” you say, nonchalantly, as everyone around the table is talking animatedly about a party for the next week-end.

You had hoped it would go unnoticed in the middle of the conversation, but, unfortunately, that doesn’t go as planned. Taehyung turns horrified eyes towards you, Jin, Namjoon and Yoongi all look surprised, and Jungkook… You don’t know how to read him. There’s that surprise, as well, but then he looks down before you can tell anything else. Not that that changes much. He’s barely looked at you today.

You haven’t talked to him since New Year’s Eve. You had other things on your mind, and then he didn’t show up at the library last Wednesday.

“What do you mean, you won’t be coming?” Jin asks. “You always come to parties.”

You shrug. You don’t miss the alarmed looks your friends are exchanging, and you’re sure Namjoon can see through you. Because it’s not like you to do something like that, whatever reason you may give.

“I don’t like them. They’re too loud, and I can’t say that I really enjoy standing alone for half the night.”

“You could stay with us,” Namjoon offers.

“And watch you pick up a girl every time? No thank you,” you reply with a disgusted shiver.

“You could stay with me,” Yoongi says.

You give him a look, and he grimaces, backing down immediately. Okay. He can see why you wouldn’t want that either. Plus he’s pretty sure that Jimin and him are about to get it on after weeks of flirting, so it’s probably not a great idea.

“What about me?” Jin asks. He doesn’t sound as energetic as usual, his voice almost quiet, and you realize that he probably feels bad because of what you said. He knows you come to those parties because of him, so knowing you don’t have fun at all when you’re attending — you understand that he might feel responsible.

“I think I would bore you very quickly,” you chuckle. “You’re not going to get the fun you want with me. But it’s fine, really. I tried it, and now I know it’s not for me. I can just—”

“No,” Taehyung says.

You blink.

“No?”

“I’m taking this personally,” he tells you, looking you dead in the eye. “You’re coming to this party and I’m going to make you enjoy yourself.”

You’ve never seen him so serious, and you can’t help it. You burst out laughing.

“Taehyung,” you say softly when you’re done. “I appreciate that, I do, but I don’t want to do that anymore.”

Taehyung opens his mouth, then winces and closes it. You’re not sure what happened there, but he gives Jungkook an offended look.

“I’m sorry,” you add. “I’m sure your parties can be great, but—”

“I get it,” he sighs. “But you owe me.”

You’re not sure why, but fine.

“And you can’t say anything bad about those parties, to anyone. Ever.” In that moment, he looks almost threatening, and you blink, confused. He can’t possibly take it that seriously, can he?

Then he yelps and rubs his leg. He gives Jungkook another annoyed look, but Jungkook doesn’t even look up from his food.

“Leave her alone,” he just mumbles.

Taehyung rolls his eyes, but doesn’t add anything. He does give you a long, pointed glance, though, before muttering under his breath something that sounds a lot like “I won’t let that slander stand,” and you think that’s hilarious too.

When you risk a glance at Jungkook, his arms are folded over his chest, and he looks deep in thought. He’s chewing on his bottom lip, eyes focused on his meal, though he’s not touching it. It’s stupid, but the image of a child that has just been scolded flashes in your mind.

“Jungkook? Is everything alright?”

He jumps at your question, looks at you like a deer caught in headlights. Your eyes meet, but it’s extremely brief, and your chest tightens. This sucks. You thought the two of you had gotten past that now, and you hate that you lost what you had. It’s not like it’s your fault. He kissed you, and then he bailed on you first chance he got. Why would he do that, why would he risk it, if he was going to react like that afterwards?

“I’m fine,” he says with a tense smile, and you doubt it’s true, but you don’t know what you should ask him to confront him about it. You don’t want to talk about the kiss ever again. You certainly don’t want to do it in front of your friends.

So you jump on the first chance you get to leave the table. You don’t ask yourself if it’s a weird thing to do. It probably is, but fuck it, you’re weird, and everyone else can deal with it. You refuse to subject yourself to something unpleasant longer than absolutely necessary.

Except the looks you get are mostly concerned ones, from Namjoon and Jin. Jungkook does look up as you walk away, eyes following you almost longingly, and then he lets out a long sigh that catches Taehyung’s attention. He doesn’t say anything, but he narrows his eyes at him.

God. He really has to get everything done here, doesn’t he?

At first, you think that this is it. Your— your whatever it was that you had with Jungkook is over. You’ll see him around every now and then, and maybe he’ll give you a polite nod, though it doesn’t look like he would even do that right now, but there won’t be anything else. You’ll go back to being basically strangers, and it will be fine, because really, nothing happened there, right? You had a crush on him, he kissed you once, and then nothing. It’s fine. You’ll be fine.

Sure, it makes you a little sad. Sure, you catch yourself looking at him while he’s surrounded by girls who are all so much better for him than you ever were, and it hurts a little. Sure, walking back home alone at night is a little more unpleasant than it used to be, but that’s the thing. It’s only a little. You would almost pat yourself on the back for it. Congrats, (Y/N). You made it out before you got too attached. You probably avoided a world of hurt.

Because you know. You know that if you had gotten in too deep, it would have hurt like hell to not have Jeon Jungkook. And sure, it hurts right now.

But only a little.

You’re good. You’re safe. You know that Namjoon and Yoongi would nod if you told them about it. They understand, in a way a lot of other people don’t. You don’t think that Jin would, for example. He would tell you to take the risk, not understanding that people like Jungkook used to pick you last for their teams when you were in high school, not understanding that as far as you’re concerned, you’ve handled more than enough rejection throughout your life. But Namjoon and Yoongi… They’re definitely more successful than you in matters of the heart, but they would still understand. Not that you’re going to tell them about it, because it’s a stupid story, because there never was anything there, and because you’d feel really dumb talking about how you thought, how you hoped that— You’re not going to tell them anything. At least everything’s okay now.

And then, Jungkook appears at your usual table at the library on a Wednesday afternoon. He drops his bag on the floor and takes a seat next to you. You’re surprised to see him when you look up, too focused on your studies to notice him approaching. He has big, wide doe eyes, and he watches your reaction carefully.

“You’re— This seat isn’t taken?”

You shake your head. No. People rarely come here, and you don’t really study with people. Well, didn’t, you suppose.

“Do you mind if I sit here?“

“The seat’s free. You can take it if you want.”

You don’t know what to do. You don’t know how to react. This wasn’t supposed to happen. You never considered that Jungkook would— That he would—

“I, um, I like studying with you. It helps me focus,” he says, eyes flickering away from you. “So, if you don’t mind I’ll— Can I come back here on Wednesdays?”

You want to tell him that you can’t stop him, that he can do whatever the hell he want, but even though it’s on the tip of your tongue, you don’t.

“Of course you can,” you say instead.

Jungkook looks up long enough to flash you a smile, and you know. This isn’t over, and you’re not going to be fine. You’re probably going to feel crushed, sooner than later, and you could have stopped it all right now.

You think about Yoongi and how not like him it is to be doing what he is with Jimin. How he’s taking a risk. How it could oh so easily not have paid off.

It’s going to, of course. You just need to look at Jimin’s eyes when he’s talking to Yoongi to know that. But Jungkook doesn’t look at you like that. Jungkook doesn’t look at you at all.

And yet here you are. Taking that exact same risk.

God. You can be so stupid some times.

Jungkook glances at you quickly while you’re deep in thought, tapping your pencil against your cheek, and a small smile forms on his lips. He’s quick to glance away, because he would hate it if you caught him, of course, but the smile doesn’t fade.

He couldn’t have forced it to do so if he tried.

“You have to come to the next game.”

“Taehyung, hey, nice to see you to, I’m doing fine, I—”

“I’m serious, (Y/N). I know you hate basketball and everything that breathes, but—”

“I don’t hate you.”

“—this is really important and— Wait, really? Thank you. I feel that means a lot coming from you.”

“Is that how you see me? I don’t hate everyone, Taehyung.”

“Can you give me a list of people you don’t hate?”

“Well, you, Jin, Yoongi, Namjoon…”

“Jungkook?”

“…Sure. Jungkook. Why do you want me to come to the next game?”

“Because we might lose.”

“And I’m supposed to change that how?”

“You owe me, remember?”

“I— Because of the parties? Seriously? I need to sit through hours of you guys running after a ball because I don’t like parties?”

“I would really appreciate it if you could avoid describing basketball as ‘guys running after a ball’.”

“I would really appreciate not having to go watch the game.”

“Don’t you want to support your friends on the team?”

“Ugh. Fine. I’ll be there. Just— stop that thing you’re doing with your eyebrows. Why are you even doing that?”

“You’re so slow. How are you so slow? I thought you were supposed to be smart!”

“Taehyung…”

“Just be there!”

“I will.”

“You better!”

“Or what, what will you— Taehyung! You can’t just run off like— Well. I guess he could.”

You hadn’t thought sitting through a basketball game could become a more painful experience to you than it already was. As it turns out, you were wrong. It was so much worse when the people you wanted to win were losing. Despite yourself, you found yourself getting invested, standing up and shouting encouragements along with Jin and Namjoon, and protesting loudly when things didn’t go your way.

You were not cut out for this. Not because you still didn’t understand half the rules — you could have by now if you had made the effort of memorizing them — but because of the stress. God, how did your friends handle that regularly? How did the players handle it? You kept looking at Jungkook. You could tell how unhappy he was with the situation, could see the disappointment settling in. He also seemed to get more nervous as time went by, which didn’t help his performance, and his words kept echoing in your mind.

”I don’t know what’s going to happen when I stop being as good.”

You’re half way through the game and things are not looking good when Taehyung waves you over. You run to the railway, straining to hear him, and when you finally understand what he’s saying, you regret making any effort at all.

“You can’t possibly be serious!”

But he is.

“You owe me, (Y/N)!”

“I’m already— What’s it even going to do?”

“Trust me on that one, okay?”

You glare at him, but he’s looking at you with his beautiful brown eyes, and there’s nothing you can do against that. You sigh deeply. Your heart is beating wildly in your chest just thinking about what he’s asking you to do. Maybe it’s not such a big deal for him, that sort of stuff, but for you— For you it’s downright insane to even consider.

“Kim Taehyung,” you hiss through gritted teeth, “if this goes bad, I’ll kill you and plant your head on a stick outside of my door to warn my enemies not to underestimate me.”

He has the audacity to shrug at that.

“It won’t go bad.”

You look up. Take a deep breath. And call Jungkook’s name.

The gym is insanely loud, and it takes both you and Taehyung’s efforts, as well as a lot of waving, for Jungkook to notice you. When he does, though, he runs towards you, worry obvious on his face. He’s looking directly at you for once, and the intensity of his stare almost makes you shiver.

“Is everything alright?” he asks when he gets there, eyes scanning you quickly to make sure that you’re okay.

“It’s fine, I just—”

“What are you doing here? You hate basketball. Did something happen?”

You shake your head. You don’t know how you’re supposed to do this, especially when he’s looking so puzzled and when he’s questioning your sanity for showing up at one of his games. You glance over at Taehyung who gives you a decided nod.

Ah. Fuck it.

Leaning over about as far as you can go, you cup Jungkook’s face, and as his expression turns to one of surprise, you kiss him. If people around notice or have a reaction, you can’t tell, because Jungkook pushes himself against you and buries his hand in your hair as he holds you. There’s not much space left for thinking in your mind, instead entirely consumed by thoughts of him. He’s completely sober this time, and you don’t taste alcohol on his tongue. He’s also not going as slow, almost desperately kissing you back, one strong hand supporting you so you don’t fall over, and you just melt.

It takes everything in you to push yourself away. When you do, you’re breathless, and he’s staring at you with eyes even wider than usual. You’re pretty sure Taehyung would want you to give an encouraging speech right now, but you don’t want to do that right now.

“I really don’t care if you’re winning or losing games,” you say instead. “If you’re sad, I’ll be sad with you, but it’s never going to change anything in how I see you. But I’ll be here encouraging you.”

He grabs your hand, squeezing it tight.

“Promise?” he asks, almost childishly.

You’re not sure which part he’s referring to, but they’re all true, so you nod.

“I promise.”

He smiles, and then both him and Taehyung are running back across the field and getting yelled at by their coach, but even from where you’re standing, you can see their smiles.

You guess that means you’re not going to murder Taehyung.

“This is actually insane. How is Jungkook even doing that?” Yoongi asks in disbelief after Jungkook scored extremely impressively yet again, and you fidget in your seat. You’re very happy to see that, though you don’t how you feel about the smug looks Taehyung is sending you, but you don’t want—

“It’s the power of love,” Jin says, nodding like he just gave an essential truth to the meaning of life.

—this. You, very specifically, don’t want this.

“Jin,” you sigh, “there’s no such thing as—”

“Actually,” Namjoon interrupts you, “I think he’s right. The power of love is a thing, and I think this is a perfect demonstration of it.”

You gape at him, in shock. He betrayed you?

“Did you just—”

“Namjoon’s right,” Yoongi nods. “This is how the power of love works. You take love, and you turn it into strength.”

And then, him, Jin and Namjoon high five, and you gasp. Traitors. All of them.

But after that, Jimin says off-handedly “Maybe you should come and kiss me before my next competition” and Yoongi’s brain visibly stops functioning, so you consider yourself avenged.

After the match, you wait for Jungkook outside of the locker room. Jin insisted you should go celebrate on the field, but you had declined. It felt like the situation required something a little more private, so now you’re here, leaning against the wall, looking at your phone so you’ll seem busy, even if there’s nothing on there to occupy yourself.

You’re not the only one there, and that doesn’t help soothing your nerves. There are a lot of girls, all pretty and smiling. It makes you feel like a groupie, and you don’t like it. You’re relieved for a second when the door opens and the team comes out, but it doesn’t last long, because the girls are soon surrounding them. You remain where you were standing, watching the whole thing happen. It takes a few moments before you notice Jungkook’s bun standing out of the group, and it makes you smile.

You catch Taehyung’s eye first, and, after you’ve sent him a glare that you hope was threatening, he pushes Jungkook out of the group. At first, he seems confused, before he finally finds you. You wave at him hesitantly. He blinks a few times, his eyes wide, then walks towards you.

“Hey,” he says when he joins you. He’s towering over you. Usually, you don’t like that, and you’ve complained about having to look up at Namjoon more than once, but you don’t necessarily mind right now.

“Hey,” you reply.

Silence stretches between the two of you as you try to think of something to say. You should have prepared a speech, you know that, but you’re pretty sure you wouldn’t have been able to say it either.

“Taehyung told me he told you to kiss me,” Jungkook blurts out after a while, looking away from you, and you give him a surprised glance. “So, you don’t have to—”

“No, I wanted to kiss you,” you interrupt him, a puzzled frown forming on your face.

Jungkook’s head whips back towards you, and you just stare at him in confusion.

“Do you really think I would have kissed you just because Taehyung asked me to?”

“Well you— you came to the game because he asked you to, right?”

“That’s not the same—”

“Jungkook!” someone from the team calls. “We’re going to grab a bite to celebrate, do you wanna come?”

Jungkook sighs, then gives you a sharp look.

“You wanted to kiss me,” he repeats.

You nod.

“Why?”

You bite your lower lip, and you’re not oblivious to the way his eyes fall to your mouth when you do.

“And I’m the blunt one,” you mumble.

“Sorry, I–”

“No, no, it’s fine, it’s just— I wanted to kiss you because I like you. Obviously.”

Jungkook swallows, and you can see his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. He looks over his shoulder at his friends.

“You can go without me!”

There are some protests, but he ignores them to give you his entire attention. It’s… not an unpleasant feeling.

“You disappeared after I kissed you the last time,” he says.

“You left,” you protest immediately. “You kissed me, and then the second your friends arrived, you acted like nothing happened and you left.”

“I didn’t want to— I just— They’re really annoying about that stuff, you know? I thought it would probably be better if I talked to you after— ‘m sorry. I didn’t— didn’t realize it—”

You look at Jungkook, watch him fumbling for words, and it hits you like a ton of bricks, how much you do like him. Those words really don’t do it justice, and maybe you’re not quite ready to talk about love just yet, but you like him so much, so much it makes your heart swell, so much you don’t think what what he’s trying to tell you would change anything to it, and yet what he’s trying to say is exactly what prompts your realization. He didn’t want to hurt you. Wanted this to be private, for just the two of you, wanted to see how you felt about it. And maybe he went the wrong way about it, but it means everything that he was trying.

“Walk me home?” you ask.

Jungkook finally stops his rambling.

“Are you sure?”

Of course, he has to ask that now, after weeks of trying to convince him to let you walk on your own. Still, you smile and nod, and when you start walking side by side, you grab his hand. He freezes temporarily before grinning and squeezing your hand, pulling it into his pocket so you won’t be too cold, because the air of January is chilling.

“Congratulations for the game,” you say after a long, comfortable silence. You had almost forgotten about it.

“Thanks,” he chuckles. “I had some help.”

And then, he winks at you, and your heart misses a beat. That’s when you understand something you hadn’t even considered before: if Jungkook stops being shy around you, you’re done for. You’ll be the one constantly flustered.

“So,” you say, slowly, trying to keep yourself composed, “why did you kiss me?”

“Um. Same as you?” Jungkook’s confidence disappears, and he returns to his awkward self, and you see that, as much as you like it, you want him to be comfortable around you. But that doesn’t mean you can’t tease him a little.

“What do you mean by that?” you ask innocently.

He gives you a horrified look that soon turns to an offended one when he notices you grinning widely.

“You’re so mean,” he says, but he’s smiling too, “you’re the meanest person I know.”

You’re laughing at that point, as you stop in front of your dorm.

“That’s not an answer.”

“Fine,” he sighs dramatically. “I kissed you because I like you.”

It’s funny. You knew that was what he was going to say, knew it was coming, and yet it gets to you all the same.

“With you, I don’t feel like I have to be the school’s star, you know? I can just be— Jungkook. You don’t expect me to be anything else.”

He’s right. You like Jungkook. With his insecurities and his flaws. You don’t want him to perform for you, and you don’t care what he’s doing right and wrong. Just studying maths in the library with him makes you happy.

He eyes your dorm and takes a deep breath.

“I should go,” he says.

You hum.

“Yes, it would be a really bad idea if you came up tonight.”

But you’re not letting go of his hand, and he’s close to you now, close enough that you can feel his breath catching in his throat. It makes you smile.

“You’re so mean,” he repeats.

This time, instead of laughing, you kiss him, and it’s completely different from the two previous times. There is no uncertainty in this kiss, no surprise, no pressure, no fear. It’s perfect. Jungkook’s hand comes to cup your cheek, his lips soft against your own. His long fingers gently stroke your jaw as he keeps the kiss chaste and sweet. It only makes you yearn for more and when he moves away, you can see in his eyes that he wants more as well.

You just don’t think he wants it now.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, then?” you ask.

“I’ll meet you for lunch,” he says solemnly, and it rings like a promise, which makes you smile.

When you move away, though, he doesn’t let go of you, and a pouty expression appears on his face before he releases you.

“I— Yeah. You should go.”

“You can come up if you want to, you know?”

He hesitates, rolls his lips together.

“I want to savor this,” he admits to you in a near whisper.

“Then I’ll go.”

“Yes. Good night.”

“Good night.”

You feel light and giddy as you walk through the door. It’s a nice and strange feeling, like you could just start floating any second.

You already can’t wait for the next day.

People are definitely weirded out by your relationship with Jungkook. Or, rather, by Jungkook’s relationship with you. You’re pretty sure most of the people who give you weird looks when you sit next to him and he wraps his arm around you, or when you walk hand in hand, wouldn’t pay attention to you if you went to class naked. But they all know who Jungkook is, and you guess it is weird to see you in conjunction with him.

They could ignore it and consider you mere part of the scenery when he ate with you, you suppose, but it is harder to do now. You’re not too fond of being the center of attention, to be honest. You don’t know how Jungkook does it.

What takes you by surprise the most is people being nice to you. That confuses you to no end, because you know for a fact they don’t care about you, not really, and you cannot fathom what they think they’re going to get out of this. You’re pretty sure there are a girl or two who are doing that to get closer to Jungkook, and some, you think, have decided to be nice to you because they think that if Jungkook likes you, you can’t be a total lost cause.

You don’t like that feeling. Not at all. You don’t like it when you’re going to class, you don’t like it during lunch, and you definitely, definitely do not like it when people rush towards you the second you get to a party.

Yeah, you’re giving Taehyung what he wanted, in the end. He said that both you and Jungkook owed him, because without him you wouldn’t be together, and you eventually gave in.

You thought it would be fine, now that you have someone to spend time with, but you understand with horror that your status has changed now. You’re not invisible anymore. You’re Jungkook’s girlfriendTM. Because of that, you spend much longer in the entrance making small talk than you would have wished to, and you’re stopped a couple of times while you’re desperately looking for your boyfriend to save you from this hell on earth.

You’re not surprised at all to find him playing beer pong with Taehyung and other guys from the team. He hasn’t gotten time to get drunk yet, so he’s quite impressive, but then again, they all are. That’s why they usually end up wasted.

The second he sees you, though, he abandons the game completely, and the smile on his face threatens to make your heart explode in your chest. Some of the guys turn around to look at you, give you a wave or a smile. Taehyung shouts a greeting.

“Hey,” Jungkook says, leaning in to press a quick kiss on your lips. He doesn’t like PDA all that much, but he never misses a chance to kiss you, and the thought makes you all giddy.

“Hey. Are you, um, having fun there?”

He shrugs.

“It’s not that bad. Wanna play?” He waits for your expression to turn to one of horror as you try to refuse politely before laughing. “Just kidding. Don’t worry about it.”

You let out a relieved breath. You know you and Jungkook are very different people, and you’re doing your best to take an interest in the things he likes. You’ve been learning the rules of basketball, for example, and though you still don’t believe you get the point, you like the way his eyes shine when you say something right about a game.

But you don’t take part in any of that stuff. Okay, you stop at that field that’s on your way home from the library every now and again, but that doesn’t count. It’s just you and him then, and you feel good and relaxed. You’ve even scored a couple of times now.

“Come on, I want to grab a drink,” Jungkook said, taking your hand in his, and you follow without protesting.

It’s probably your second mistake of the night: not realizing that getting a drink with and without Jungkook are two very different ordeals. On your way there, you get roped into several conversations. Those are fine. You can’t say you enjoy them, but they’re fine, and it’s not like those people are actually talking to you anyway.

What you genuinely dislike is that, when you’re by the table with the drinks, a girl starts openly flirting with your boyfriend. It’s not subtle, either, with the way she keeps touching his arm and how she laughs at his every word.

For a while, you just stare in disbelief. You know Jungkook is oblivious to that sort of things — probably one more reason why he likes how blunt you are — but you can’t believe her. You wouldn’t necessarily blame the girl for trying, either, if she didn’t know about you. Jungkook’s quite the catch after all, and you understand liking him better than anyone else.

No, it’s the fact that she’s doing it right in front of you, while Jungkook is holding your hand. It feels so— dismissive. So insulting. She’s not exactly saying to your face that she doesn’t take you seriously, but she might as well.

You watch incredulously when she puts her hand on his arm one more time. You don’t know how you’re supposed to handle that, so you just tug on Jungkook’s hand a little awkwardly. You’re pleased by how quickly his attention snaps to you, even while the girl is in the middle of her sentence. It’s a petty sentiment, for sure, but you can’t help it.

“Everything okay?” he asks. “Is it too loud in here?”

“Kind of, but—”

“Let’s find you a quieter place.”

He forgets about the drink he wanted to get, forgets about the girl, who he abandons there unceremoniously, gently pulling you through the room. Next thing you know, he’s carefully closing the doors of the closet he’s found for the two of you behind you.

“There,” he says, sounding satisfied with himself. “Better?”

You chuckle at that and, guessing for him in the half-light, you pull him towards you for a kiss. You press your body against his, pushing him against the back of the closet, and a groan forms in his throat. His hands tighten around you, sending shivers through your entire being, and you only lean into him more. You run your fingers over his chest, just to feel him tremble under your touch and he does, hissing with pleasure at the contact.

“Fuck,” he mumbles into your mouth. “Was that— was that what you had in mind?”

You shake your head, and he’s close enough to feel it.

“That girl was flirting with you,” you tell him.

“Oh. Are you sure?”

You are.

“So… are you jealous? Because that’s kind of hot.”

You laugh softly. Truth is, you really, really don’t want to be the jealous girlfriend, but Jungkook actually sounds happy about the idea.

“You really didn’t notice?”

There’s a moment of silence.

“I didn’t. Does that— Did it bother you, that she was doing that?”

“Kind of,” you shrug. “What about you? You’re— cool with that?”

“If it bothers you I don’t like it,” he replies simply, one of his hand leaving your waist to grab yours and squeeze it gently. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice.”

That makes you chuckle.

“How didn’t you? She would have made it barely more obvious if she had started undressing herself.”

Jungkook has an awkward laugh, and you can feel his breath on your face. He starts fidgeting, but then you press a kiss right at the corner of his lips, and he calms down, if just a little.

“It’s— You have to promise you won’t make fun of me.”

“I won’t.”

He hesitates a second longer, as though he’s trying to judge your sincerity by looking at you — except, of course, he can barely see a thing in here. You kiss him again, following his jaw, and he finally gives in when you start making your way down his neck.

“When I’m with you, it’s like my vision narrows on you,” he says, voice low. “I know everything and everyone else is still there, but I just think about you. Sorry, it’s really stupid.”

“It’s not,” you say, shaking your head, wondering if he can feel your heart beating stupidly fast in your chest, all because his words make you feel like nothing else ever has before. “But I’m— I’m kind of boring. That can’t be fun.”

“You’re not boring,” he protests. “You listen to people, even when you don’t look like it. You always look like you have a thousand things on your mind but you always make time for your friends, and when you’re studying here, you play with your hair.” He twirls a lock of your hair around one of his fingers before releasing it, as if to demonstrate. “You’re a very, very interesting person to look at.”

The only thing you can do is stay there, frozen in his arms, after he’s said that. You may be blunt, but Jungkook is honest. Devastatingly so. His vulnerability always shatters the walls that you’ve built around yourself, and you still don’t know how to react when that happens.

So you push yourself on your tiptoes to kiss him again, except this time it’s slow and gentle and you’re trying to put everything he means to you into it. The tip of your fingers are on his cheeks, your mouth barely moving against his, soft noises filling the closet. Jungkook remains still, letting you in complete control, like he’s afraid he could break you if he moved.

“Thank you,” you whisper when you pull away from him.

“For what?” he asks, breathless.

“For being here with me tonight, and for coming with me at that first party.”

“Of course. Any time.”

He lets himself fall to the floor, taking you down with him and keeping you into his lap once he’s done that. You rest your head against his chest. You hear the noises of the party still going on outside, but Jungkook is your island of peace in the middle of the chaos.

“I think I’m going to stop basketball,” Jungkook blurts out without a warning, and you look at him, surprised.

“Really?” you ask.

“Yeah. Really. I just— I don’t want to be doing that anymore.”

You think about it for a few seconds, then nod.

“You probably should stop, in that case.”

“People are… not going to be happy about it.”

“I’m sure Taehyung won’t be mad at you. Well, not for too long.”

He laughs softly, but his hold on you doesn’t relax, and you know that this was hard for him to even consider. You know it’s a terrifying decision to take, too.

“Thank you,” he says. “For being here with me tonight, too.”

“Any time.”

The truth is, you wouldn’t give that moment away for anything in the world, and something tells you Jungkook wouldn’t either. It’s not ideal, it’s not perfect, but you don’t believe there is such a thing, and you’re happy to satisfy yourself with the imperfect.

But any moment you can spend in Jungkook is as close to perfect as can be.

“I love you,” he whispers in your ear, and you think that he might feels the same way, which almost makes you burst with happiness.

“And I love you,” you whisper back.

Not perfect, perhaps. But close enough.

[lucemferto]

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT PH1LZA (or Why Philza is a Victim of Narrative Circumstance)

Heyo! Per request I am posting the script to my video of the same name here on tumblr. I must warn you that just reading the script will probably not give you the full experience, so I would encourage you to watch the video (linked above).

There might also still be a lot of grammatical errors in the text, because I don’t proofread.

Intro

LAST TIME ON LUCEM FERTO

Okay, so! I don’t want this to turn into a reaction channel OR a Dream SMP channel for that matter! [echo]

Well, I lied.

[Intro to “Luc is pretentious about the funny blockmen. Episode 2”]

I swear, I’m working on other stuff. It’s just that my dumb lizard brain has only capacity for one interest at a time!

So, something you might not know about me, is that I am on tumblr – who am I kidding, most of you will know me from tumblr. Before starting this whole YouTube thing, I thought that website died years ago – but as per usual reality proves me wrong. I’m also on Twitter and Reddit, but I get the most engagement on tumblr – by far! – and I need those sweet, sweet numbers for the serotonin!

Anyways, one of my favourite past-times on tumblr is to razz Philza Hardcore Minecraft – that’s his full name – for being a frankly awful father [clicking away] – wait, wait, no! Philza fans, this isn’t a hit piece on him, I promise! Please come back!

This is video is meant to be a companion piece to my previous video about Technoblade and the Doomsday event – you can tell by the shared nomenclature – so you should probably watch that one before you proceed. Unless you don’t want to, which is also perfectly understandable.

DISCLAIMER: This video is mostly about the character Philza plays on the Dream SMP. Whenever I talk about the content creator Philza, I will say so properly. Also, Spoiler Warning for Dream SMP Season 2.

… What is that? You’re wondering what the Dream SMP is? Well, if you had just watched the other video like I told you to do, you would know, because I explained it pretty well there. But in case you don’t know, here’s the cliff notes.

Dream SMP is the hottest New Media Series on Twitch right now! It has it all: gaslighting, child soldiers, Machiavellian political intrigue, Hamilton roleplay, desecration of the dead, shounen protagonists, SO! MUCH! AMNESIA! Filicide, furries, a red egg that’s definitely homophobic and teenagers inventing nuclear warfare. And it’s all done in Minecraft – yes, the funny block game where the only way to emote is to crouch.

And you say the perfect brief doesn’t exist!

Now, you might be wondering, why do I want to talk about this? Well, it’s because Content Creator Philza is one of least controversial internet personalities that I can think of. That man exudes pure comfort. So, it’s just very, very amusing to me that his character became one of the most controversial figures on the SMP, only outshone by Tommy and Technoblade.

And it’s not just amusing, it’s also extremely interesting! I want to dig deep to uncover and discuss the dynamics behind why that is. How did it come to this point? How did a man who appears genuinely so pleasant create a character that inspires so much discourse!

Now, if you watched that Technoblade video – like I told you to twice now! – you might know, that I am the resident character analyses hater of fandom! And that impression is false and slanderous! Don’t tell other people that I hate character analyses! I love them!

It’s just that, in the Dream SMP in particular, there is an abundance of character analyses! Every streamer has at least two very good essays written about them, exploring every possible angle to view their characters and backgrounds and everything. All I’m saying is: I don’t have anything to add on that front.

So, instead I want to pursue a different approach – something, that I feel is a bit underrepresented in the fandom! And I’m not just talking narrative analysis – that’s right, this episode we’re going even more pretentious! – I’m talking Transtextual Analysis!

Now, what is Transtextuality? Well, unfortunately it has very little to do with actual Trans people – #transrights, just in case that wasn’t obvious – but instead describes a mode of analysis with which to put – to quote French literary theorist Gérard Genette – “the text in a relationship, whether obvious or concealed, with other texts”.

Basically, you know how the L’Manburg War of Independence heavily quotes and borrows from the hit musical Hamilton? That’s transtextuality! A lot of the analyses surrounding how Tommy mirrors the Greek hero Theseus, who was invoked by Technoblade multiple times in the series, are already doing transtextual analysis! So, it’s really not something that’s new to the Dream SMP fandom.

But how does this apply to Philza and how he is looked at and judged by his parental skills? Well, there are multiple forms of transtextuality, two of which we will discuss today.

But before we continue, I gotta do that annoying YouTuber thing. I know these videos don’t look like much, but I spend a really long time making them. I work fulltime and I try my best to keep up, but sometimes I can’t. So please, like, subscribe, comment to give me some algorithm juice – I really need it – and most importantly share it! Share it with your friends, share it with your family – I’m sure Grandma is very interested in what I have to say about Philza Minecraft.

And I’m trying to be better! If I sound at all different for this video, it’s because I finally bought a new pop filter, so I can hit my plosives without it sounding like there’s a thunderstorm in my room. I hope it makes a difference; it was a very cheap pop filter, so maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it sounds worse – that would be bad!

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, CHILD NEGLEGT!

 Intertextuality: Why is Dadza?

You know what’s really interesting about the Dream SMP – aside from, you know, most things about it? Very few of the characters have concrete, fleshed-out backstories – and that’s pretty weird! In no other medium or genre could you get away with something like that – at least for long-form storytelling!

So, how does Dream SMP get away with this? Well, it’s because every character on the Dream SMP is basically a self-insert – and I don’t mean that in the “This character is based on me”-kinda way, but in the “This character, for all intents and purposes, is me!”-way. This, like many things that are fascinating about the Dream SMP, is owed to the fact that this series didn’t start off as a continuous drama – it started off as a Let’s Play.

And while we can talk about how someone’s on-camera/on-mic persona is in some ways a character, it’s still miles off of being an actual, fully-realized, separate character in a storyline.

This is where Intertextuality comes in.

Intertextuality is a subset of Transtextuality. It describes how the hypertext, which is the text, you’re currently engaged with, uses another text, the hypotext, to supplement itself. The interconnection the hypertext establishes with the hypotext, through stuff like allusion for example, uh-hum [Hamilton], can colour how an audience interprets the hypertext. Basically, Hamilton and Theseus are the hypotexts; the Dream SMP is the hypertext.

So, what does this have to do with backstory? Simple: The backstories of the characters in the Dream SMP consist basically of nothing but intertextual references. Through intertextuality their content effectively substitutes their character’s backstory.

You can see it everywhere. Wilbur’s and Schlatt’s relationship and rivalry is hugely enriched, if you are aware of their shared history like SMPLive, for example – I think anyway. I haven’t watched SMPLive, because … there’s only so many hours in the day and I cannot keep up with the Dream SMP and catch up on SMPLive and live a healthy life – which I already don’t do, so…

BadBoyHalo’s and Skeppy’s relationship, which has become the crux of the Crimson-Storyline of Seasons 2 and 3, is hugely supplemented if you know that they’re also very close as streamers and in real life.

Another great example of intertextuality is basically Technoblade’s entire deal. If you just look at him completely within the text of the Dream SMP and try to transplant his entrance to any other medium: It would be extremely weird! Like, he’s just this guy that comes in in the middle of a very climatic arc, no build-up, no explanation what his deal is, and he’s treated like he has always been there. In any other medium that just wouldn’t work – at least not without a flashback or some sort of exposition!

But because of stuff like Minecraft Mondays, the Potato Wars, his Duel against Dream and SMPEarth, we understand that he is a Big Deal!

Anyways, to bring all of this back to Philza Minecraft: What kind of hypotext informs how the audience sees his character? Well, this is where I will have to talk about SBI.

SBI is an acronym that stand for State Bank of India, the 43rd largest bank in the world and…

It also stands for Sleepy Bois Incorporated. Sleepy Bois Incorporated is a loose assembly of content creators, consisting of Philza, Wilbur Soot, TommyInnit and Technoblade. It is most well-known for its very endearing family dynamic – a dynamic that is frequently acknowledged and played up by the creators involved. Tommy is the youngest brother, Wilbur and Techno are the two older brothers and Philza is of course the dad. And when I say, it’s played up, I really mean it! Wilbur seems to be especially enamoured with the idea and leaves no opportunity untaken to bring it up – which we will come back to.

And I’m not saying that they’re faking this and this is somehow an act. While I know none of these people personally, it appears to me, that this is genuinely how they interact – if a little exaggerated for the streaming experience. Even when they’re not consciously playing into the family dynamic, their interactions still very much lend themselves to that interpretation by the viewers.

Philza especially just radiates Dad-Friend energy – so much so that it has become a huge part of his brand identity – yay, I can bring that back (check out my Christmas video if you want to hear me ramble about that). The nickname Dadza stuck even before SBI was a thing.

So, even if we completely disregard SBI – which we shouldn’t for reasons I’ll get back to – Philza has cultivated an image of strong paternal guidance. He is, in my opinion completely deservedly, regarded very positively. He is highly respected and in turn seen as a voice of reason.

All of this would eventually inform the hypotext of the character Philza within Dream SMP.

 Interlude: Before Dadza & November 16th

Okay, so now we have established that a) Dream SMP heavily hinges on intertextual readings by the audience to supplement character backstory and b) that Philza’s entire deal is that he’s the dad-friend – more specifically that he’s the dad of SBI (not the bank). I think you know where this is going.

So, yeah, ever since it was on the table that Philza could join the Dream SMP, it was immediately assumed that he would take on the paternal guardian role all these traumatized people on that server so desperately needed – and with good reason! Like I said before, the audience at this point was trained to take intertextual interpretations as basically canon or at the very least canon-adjacent.

I want to emphasize that this is most likely not done deliberately. I’m sure content creators Wilbur and Philza didn’t sit there and said: “Yes! We will rely entirely on the audience’s inclination to interpret our characters intertextually to define character Philza!”. Like, obviously that did not happen.

But it’s also important to remember that unlike with traditional media and the fanbases cultivated there, the separation between the Dream SMP and its audience is almost non-existent – and purposely so. The story events are streamed live, Chats are acknowledged in canon and even outside of livestreams creators are extremely involved with the fandom. So, the weight of fan-expectations is equally amplified and will more likely be incorporated into the writing process. Case in point:

[Wilbur “I miss Philza”/Philza about Wilbur]

During Wilbur’s villain arc, even before his official involvement, Philza became a prevalent point of discussion. The hope that he would be the one to snap Wilbur out of his downward spiral was not only wish-fulfilment on behalf of the fans; it also very much played off of the intertextual reading of the SBI-dynamic in relation to the Dream SMP.

Of course, this still doesn’t make Philza and Wilbur canonically blood-related – but it definitely used the “paternal”-dynamic of SBI to build-up tension and drama.

And that ultimately brings us to November 16th. The Grand Finale of Season 1 and Philza’s first canonical appearance on the SMP.

Now, for this I want to pull back from the transtextual analysis and talk about simply narrative analysis: What is Philza’s narrative purpose on November 16th?

Philza serves as the last threshold on Wilbur’s Villain’s Journey – to appropriate Vogler’s version of the monomyth for a minute here – he is what Vogler calls the “Threshold Guardian”. He is the last enemy the Hero faces before completing his quest – in this particular case Wilbur’s quest is to blow up L’Manberg. Multiple people have at this point tried to dissuade him from this course of action: Tommy, Quackity, Niki and others. So how come this Philza moment is not redundant in terms of dynamics compared to these prior scenes?

Well, it’s through our intertextual understanding of Wilbur’s and Phil’s relationship. Because Philza does not just occupy the role of the Threshold Guardian – he is also implicitly the Mentor. Before Phil there was no character in the storyline that held a higher position of moral authority than Wilbur – Dream and Schlatt, while at points more powerful in terms of actual authority, were never positioned by the narrative as Wilbur’s superiors in the same way as Wilbur was to Tommy, Tubbo or even Niki.

Before November 16th all challenges Wilbur faced were from people narratively subordinated to him. But that trend is broken with Phil. That is why he is the Threshold Guardian, why this confrontation is at the climax of Wilbur’s arc. Because Phil is the last thing tethering Wilbur to whatever morality he held before his villain arc; Phil is the last, moral obstacle Wilbur has to discard before gaining his reward.

And, just a quick sidenote, because I’ve seen it around the fandom a bunch: When I’m referring to Wilbur denouncing his morality, I’m using that in terms of narrative analysis. I’m mentioning it, because Wilbur’s character can very easily be read as mentally ill or neurodivergent and some people have – rightly! – pointed out that the excessive vilifying when talking about his character is … problematic, to say the least.

So, I just want to make clear, this isn’t a character analysis, I’m being purposely broad when talking about Wilbur and Phil.

In the end, Wilbur takes that final step and gets his “reward”: As his final request his mentor takes his life and vanquishes the evil – the dragon of Wilbur’s story slays the dragon of L’Manburg. It’s very Shakespearean in its tragedy – but beyond the larger theatrics it’s not really used to further characterize Phil – at least in the context of Season 1. There’s not a lot of focus on his characters internal conflict during November 16th.

Phil, like Techno, is very utilitarian in how content creator Wilbur writes him: He serves as a moment of hype; an obstacle Wilbur has to face; a participant in the tragic climax of Wilbur’s character and ultimately takes on his implicit and expected role of mentor and guiding figure to the rest of L’Manburg.

I think not a lot of people talk about how Philza does not join Technoblade during November 16th. He takes the side of L’Manburg – he fights against the withers and he joins Tommy, Tubbo and the others at the L’Mantree, thus framing him as loyal to the L’Manburg administration – even though Season 2 would make his loyalty to Techno central to his character. But more on that later.

What’s also important about November 16th is that this is the day when the general intertextual interpretation became canonized text.

[You’re my son!]

Wilbur is made Phil’s canonical, biological son. The intertextual interpretation of SBI as it pertains to these two characters on the SMP was completely reinforced by the narrative. Or to put it in Fandom terms: The headcanon became actual canon. At least when it came to Wilbur … but what about Philza’s “other” children?

Well, that leads to our second form of transtextual analysis:

 Paratextuality: Is Dadza?

These titles are just getting better and better.

The Paratext is defined as all those things in a published work that accompany the text. It comes in two forms: One of them is the Peritext, which are non-diegetic elements directly surrounding the text – like chapter titles, author’s notes, and stuff like that. Translated to the medium of the Dream SMP, it would be stuff like this:

[Examples]

And, trust me, I could make a whole separate video about how people on the SMP use their peritext as a tool for storytelling – I’m looking at you, Ranboo – but that’s not what we will talk about in the context of Dadza.

Instead, we will focus on the second form of Paratext, the Epitext, which consists of all authorial and editorial discussions taking place outside of the text. That’s stuff like interviews, private letters or J. K. Rowling’s Twitter Account – you know, before she decided to become a full-time asshole.

[Wilbur: Transrights]

After Season 1 ended, Wilbur indulged pretty heavily in providing epitext for the Dream SMP, something he had not done prior to November 16th. His paratextual additions ranged from the playful, like assigning DnD alignments to various SMP members, to the extremely impactful, like the whole three lives system!

You probably think, you know where this is going. Wilbur provided some epitext about how Tommy and Techno either are or are not biologically related to him … and I have to be honest I thought that too. But then I began looking into the impenetrable web that is the SBI-canon on the Dream SMP and found this!

[Ghostbur explains family]

So, it wasn’t paratext, it was just straight text. Said in character, in canon, without any implication that we the viewers should question this. The text of the SBI family dynamic was explicitly linked to Dream SMP-exclusive lore, namely Fundy being Wilbur’s and Sally the Salmon’s son. This is as clear as Philza’s anguished declaration on November 16th in establishing the intertext as text. And because Wilbur also had a very heavy hand in the discussion of paratext around that time, it gave his character’s words even more “canonical” weight. Metatextually speaking, this very much read like the author giving exposition through his character – exposition that we should understand as reliable.

And, by the way, before I continue, I need to give a huge, huge shoutout to kateis-cakeis on tumblr, I hope I pronounced that right, who was just so quick in providing me with these crucial clips. Without him I would have looked for days because these people don’t archive their shit! And the Dream SMP Wiki was NO help, by the way! I love what you guys do, but stuff like this belongs in the Trivia section on characters’ pages!

Anyways, basically during the entirety of early Season 2 the SBI family dynamic was basically canon to the SMP. Sometimes it was only alluded implicitly, again letting the intertext fill out the rest.

[Philza clips]

But just as often it was just explicitly talked about – both in the text and in the paratext.

[Fundy clip/Wilbur “Twins” clip/Tommy clip]

So, I know what you’re thinking: “Why is this part called paratext, if the entire family tree is just textual”. Well, that last clip might give you a hint, as to what I will talk about. Notice how Tommy, one of the people most directly impacted by the canonization of SBI lore, is both unaware of and seems generally unenthused about it, to put it nicely? Well, that would soon turn out to be a much bigger deal than anyone could have imagined as he wasn’t the only one.

[Technoblade decanonizes SBI]

Yeah …

This happened on 20th of December. Regular viewers of this channel will remember that I put out a 90-second joke video, where I complain about this very development. And while I was mostly kidding around, the core idea is still true. The paratext provided by Technoblade and established text were in direct contradiction with one another – and that brought a lot of confusion into the fandom. Confusion, that would soon be followed by frustration.

Because Techno only decanonized himself as part of the SBI family dynamic – but what about Tommy and Tubbo, the latter of which was incorporated into the dynamic exclusively within the lore of the Dream SMP. Was this still canon or wasn’t it?

What followed was a muddled mess of contradictions, intertextual implications, text and paratext in conflict with each another. It was for the most part inscrutable to figure out how Tommy and Philza related to one another. I’ll spare you every comment made about this – mostly because I want to spare myself from looking for all of them.

In the end, the current status is that their familial relationship is … unclear. Philza said, again in paratext, that it’s ultimately up to the writers to decide, whether or not Tommy is his son … which, I personally think he and Tommy should be the ones to establish that, but I’ll come back to that later.

But why is all of this important anyway? Why would this ambiguity create such an uproar, such controversy – especially when it comes to Tommy’s character? What makes Tommy’s and Philza’s relationship such a target for discussion in the fandom?

Well … this is where we will have to talk about the storyline of Season 2.

Interlude II: Tommy’s Exile and Dadza in Season 2

Okay, Season 2. This is where the spoilers are, so I will just sneakily drop this again. It took me five seconds to google this gif and I will milk it for every penny it’s worth!

At the beginning of Season 2, Philza’s narrative role has not changed much from where Season 1 ended. He is in L’Manburg dispensing earthly wisdom, being a paternal figure to Fundy, Ghostbur and Tubbo, helping with the nation’s rebuilding efforts; just generally occupying the role of the mentor.

[clips]

And then came … the Exile. The Exile Arc took place between December 3rd and December 15th during Season 2 of the Dream SMP. It revolves around TommyInnit getting exiled from L’Manburg and slowly getting psychologically tortured and broken down by Dream. It’s a really great arc, at least in my opinion, that explores and deepens a lot of Tommy’s character relationships, whether that be Tommy and Dream, Tommy and Tubbo or Tommy and Ranboo. One relationship, however, is noticeably missing.

So, yeah, Philza spends basically the entirety of the exile doing pretty much nothing of consequence. And that’s not a problem specific to him – One big criticism I would levy against the Exile Arc is that a lot of characters are left spinning their wheels. Which is why we get zany stuff like El Rapids, Drywaters, Eret’s Knights of the Roundtable, Boomerville – anyone remember Boomerville, that was a thing for 5 seconds, wasn’t it? – basically a lot of storylines are started and then unceremoniously dropped. Now, I will talk more about this, when I make a video about Season 2 of the Dream SMP … in ten years, look forward to it.

In the case of Philza, this inaction was especially damning, because at this point it was still a considered canon that he was Tommy’s dad. So, the fans were left with a situation, where just a few weeks prior Philza was occupying a paternal role for Fundy and Ghostbur … but now, that his youngest son was in a very concerning predicament – to put it lightly – he was nowhere to be found.

So why is that?

Well, the most obvious answer is that Dream and Tommy didn’t write him into the storyline. We’ve seen that Tommy wasn’t particularly interested in exploring a familial relationship to Philza, at least at the time. And it would just not fit in with what Dream and Tommy tried to do with the Exile Arc: they wanted to tell the story of Tommy being isolated, completely under Dream’s mercy, slowly worn down and manipulated. If Philza had been constant presence for Tommy during that time, it would have definitely shifted the narrative focus. That doesn’t mean that they couldn’t have done that, it’s just a matter of fact that they didn’t.

This also reveals another truth about content creator Philza’s character work, that I think is extremely crucial: He takes what the writers give him. Outside of a few choice moments, he doesn’t seem particularly interested in expanding or even solidifying his character on the SMP.

What I’m saying is that he is very go-with-the-flow: Wilbur wants to enact a Shakespearean tragedy? Philza’s up for it. Fundy wants him as a parental figure and mentor? Philza’s here for him. Tommy, conversely, doesn’t want him as a paternal presence, even though it would make sense for Philza’s character, as it was established so far, to be there? Philza will oblige.

The reason I’m mentioning this is because, while Tommy and Dream were unwilling to utilise Philza in their storyline, someone else was more than happy to. Which leads us back, like it always does, to everyone’s favourite Porky Pig-kinnie in a crown: Technoblade.

Technoblade and Philza, from everything I’ve seen of them, seem to be very good friends – and they share a lot of history even outside SBI. So, it’s commendable that they would collaborate on a storyline together.

A consequence of that, however, is that Philza’s narrative purpose shifts completely with very little transition. His entire character changes from being the Mentor-figure of L’Manberg to being pretty much exclusively defined as Technoblade’s ally; his man on the inside. It is a very sharp turn from the end of Season 1. Their relationship is once again informed via intertext – this time the Antarctic Empire on SMPEarth serves as the hypotext – but there isn’t a huge effort made to smoothly integrate that aspect of Philza’s character into the larger narrative framing around him.

How much the narrative utilisation of Philza has shifted can be very easily observed through the Butcher Army event on December 16th, a story event that I like less and less the more I think about. Here Philza is used to show just how corrupt and violent Tubbo’s administration has becomes. He is no longer the respected mentor, he is now the stand-in for the oppressed populace, similar to Niki’s role in Season 1. On a narrative level, he is here to prove a point.

If you’ve seen my Technoblade video, you know how I feel about … just that entire storyline, so I will not reiterate too much on it. I just want to make clear that I’m not principally against this development – if they wanted to truly explore Tubbo going down a dark path and getting corrupted by power, so much so that he would even treat the person who effectively raised him like a prisoner, I would be extremely here for it, I cannot stress that enough.

The problem I have is that it’s just so sloppily done. It is not coherent with how these characters behaved and, more importantly, how they were narratively framed prior to the Butcher Army event. Fundy gets one token line about Phil being his Grandfather – a far cry from the very emotionally complex relationship they had established at the beginning of Season 2 – and Phil then callously disowns him.

The major problem simply is that we don’t see how Philza changes from Mentor-figure to embittered, oppressed citizen. And there was enough time to build to that. During the entirety of Tommy’s exile Tubbo was pretty much spinning his wheels and Quackity and Fundy were opening up plot cul-de-sacs that didn’t end up going anywhere. This is time they could have spent on developing their relationship to Philza and the dark path they were going down – but again, Season 2 video.

There is not much to say on Philza’s narrative purpose and framing beyond the Butcher Army event. He remains pretty much exclusively Techno’s consigliere with his role as Mentor to L’Manburg a distant memory. He has some cute character moments with Ranboo, because content creator Philza is just big dad-energy whether he wants to or not, and whenever he and Ghostbur share a scene suddenly the narrative remembers that there are people other than Technoblade that should exist in Philza’s inner world. But aside from that, Philza’s storyline in Season 2 remains … pretty definitive is the nicest way I can put it.

Most importantly his relationship with Tommy continues to be completely unexplored – whether by chance or choice – and that combined with ever vaguer paratext leaves “Dadza” in a very peculiar situation.

 Conclusion: Is Dadza a Good Dadza?

So, the question to end all questions. The big, obnoxious text, that I will probably have put in the thumbnail – I haven’t made it yet, but I know myself. The honest answer is: I couldn’t tell you.

I have, in the past, been expounding the virtues of narrative analysis. That is because I feel that Narrative Analysis and Textual Analysis, like in this video, can provide certain tools that Character Analysis lacks. Often times I see people trying to get at a writing problem or query and getting frustrated because they’re not using the toolset, they need to figure out what they want to figure out.

But I’d be a hypocrite if I pretended like everything could be solved through the modes of analysis I prefer. And I think the Dadza-issue is exactly such a case.

I set out to explore why the Philza-Tommy-“Dadza”-relationship has become so controversial. It’s a combination of expectations build up through intertextual readings, that were partly canonized – something that is very common for the Dream SMP – conflicting pieces of paratext, which only serve to muddle the issue further and a text that is not only completely uninterested in actually exploring Tommy’s and Philza’s relationship – as it stands right now they might as well be strangers, narratively speaking – but also completely changes Philza’s narrative purpose as it relates to characters like Fundy or Tubbo about half-way through with little to no transition.

That is why I say, that Philza’s character is a victim of narrative circumstance. Because unwittingly, through all of these factors and decisions, there is not coherent reading of Philza that frames his parental skills in a particularly kind light.

The question of how we can judge Phil as a paternal figure ultimately falls within the purview of the character analysis – and that’s a very multifaceted issue, highly dependent on which POV you focus on and how you interpret the other characters in that POV’s periphery.

To put my cards on the table, I think that Philza is a very flawed father/father-figure – and I find that absolutely okay. Flaws are the spice of character building. He is not Cinderella’s Evil Stepmother – but he’s also definitely not Mufasa. If we were to read Philza as a paternal figure, then he would have made a lot of mistakes and decisions to the detriment of his “children” – least of all everything that happened on Doomsday.

But I also have sympathies for Philza fans who are tired of the Dad-Debate and would like to have his character judged independent from his relationship to Ghostbur, Fundy, Tubbo and Tommy.

Ultimately, to bring it all to a point, I’d like to end with saying, that I think that Philza, out of all the characters on the SMP, has the potential to be on of the most intriguing, multifaceted ones. There are all of these different patches of story, character moments and narrative and transtextual implications, that, if brought together, could create a beautiful tapestry of the character Philza.

You have his relationship with Techno, which holds the potential for so much emotional conflict and vulnerabilities, you have his time as mentor of L’Manburg, which is just criminally underused; the complex relationship between him and Ghostbur/Wilbur; and – for me, personally – most intriguingly this weird, almost uncomfortably distant non-relationship with Tommy. That last one is intriguing to me, because it contrasts just so much with our intertextual understanding of the characters and streaming personas – and it just holds the potential for so much conflict, so much drama, so much angst. Which I live for!

And, yes, I do believe that most of this is narrative happenstance, that this was largely not intended by Philza or really any of the writers. It’s just what happens when hybrid-roleplay-improv a long-running, livestreamed storyline in Minecraft.

But I want them to realize the potential they have on their hands, because it could – with barely any adjustments – turn Philza from a victim of narrative circumstance to a champion of it!

 Outro

Thank you so much for watching this video. Usually, I don’t record outros this standard, but after this beast of a video I felt it necessary. I hope that whether you’re a Philza fan or a Philza critical or just completely uninvolved in the whole thing, there is at least a little entertainment you could get from this.

I want to take this opportunity to say that my next few videos will probably not be Dream SMP related – a sentence which undoubtedly lost me a bunch of subs – simply because I don’t want to burn out on it. I genuinely enjoy watching the SMP and being exhausted by it would be something I wouldn’t want to force on myself.

But who knows what will happen? The Karl Jacobs video was something I did spur of the moment because the idea just came to me – so I can’t guarantee that the next video won’t be a three-minute joke about Purpled or whatever.

Anyway, my concrete plans for future Dream SMP videos are essays on Season 1 and Season 2 as well as one for Tales from the SMP.

Before that I have a longer video in the works, which I’ve already teased a bunch, so I hope it will finally be finished sometime. And I also may be working on something … eboys-related? Maybe. I’m not making any promises!

[bluewinnerangel]

Omg, thank u 💙 I loooooved your kiwi analysis 💙 and I loved how detail oriented you are 💙 now and then I start to speculate what this song is about and I can never be really sure, so I love collecting new ideas ab it 💙

https://hazzabeeforlou.tumblr.com/post/179935917469/the-mythic-foundation-of-hs1-kiwi

I’d love to hear your insight about this, I don’t have many friends keen on discussing the meaning of HS (and LT) lyrics haha, and I’m always interested on getting new povs. The author says their analysis of hs1 comes from a literary angle telling a circular story. I like their review of hs1 in general, but the kiwi one is one of the most unusual takes I’ve come around.

Elloo!!! Thank you <3

Just when I think I put in enough interpretations there's just more and more isn't there. First again for the devoted all the interpretations should be under my "kiwi" tag plus there's some good stuff in peoples tag rambles on the main post!

Ok cut because block of text:

Link you provided. I'm not really one to trash other peoples interpretations of things (unless it's a real dumbdumb like it being about miss taytay unironically or some shit asdahskdj), but I don't see how that checks out really. I think when a song is about something a bit more specific, like marriage as that analysis says, he's gonna leave hints in there that it is. I don't see a hint of that in Kiwi to be honest, but you've read my analysis so you know I'm not one to go with one interpretation and not be open to the rest lol, so I don't wanna say no, just, I didn't pick up on that and I picked that fruit apart as far as I could. I don't see any theme of uh.... commitment, pride, joy, forming a bond, starting a life together, whatever you think of when you think of that. And in general yeah I do think shit's deep, but not that deep that there's some double flipflop happening where he thought it would be fun to have the first layer be a coherent concept of just a girl on the street / in a club yet also insinuating it's about babygate but WAIT actually it's beyond that and it was all a joke. They say the lyrics don't really hold up as being about babygate, but they totally check out as being about babygate for me (I made a bigass wholeass analysis so I don't think I need to explain) so I'm not sure what they see not checking out.

I just think that if he wanted to have a song that included their commitment to eachother like that it would be a positive full of energy song, like he would have gone fuck the situation we're in I'm just gonna sing about the positives and ignore all that other bullshit of us being pulled apart because bish we're in this together WE'RE TOGETHER WE MADE IT YAY and not this whole big big ass trickery of a song with a very very loud and heavy main message of someone having someone elses baby and it being someone elses business. (what a sentence aksdakj) Look at Golden for instance. There is a struggle in there, he did leave a negative undertone, yet the main message is YOU'RE SO GOLDEN YOU'RE SO GOLDEN YOU ARE SO SO SO GOLDEN. Or Adore You. Or Sunflower. Or Canyon Moon. or Sweet Creature. I don't know if it's clear what I'm trying to say but like, he could've chosen many many many ways to yell "fuck you we're committed to each other no matter what you throw at us" I just don't see why he would choose to disguise that in a babygate joke.

It works better the other way around: "I'm having your baby it's none of your business" -> "I'm taking your loved one away from you" (which is the opposite of what the linked analysis is saying oop), as in there's ~waves trying to break them~ you know. I don't think I mentioned that one in the analysis hmm.

Indeed the flightless bird thing holds up pretty well so it's nice to see they went there too.

Then for the text in that post:

And then there’s the fact that this seems to be Harry’s favorite song, the one he can never sing enough (three times at his final concert!), the one he belts out with great joy and exuberance, dancing all over the stage like a maniac. It’s hard to imagine that this is how he really feels about Louis’ most demoralizing stunt.

You just have to have met one petty mfer in your life, especially british polite people who show their frustrations in very small subtle ways you can just ~easily not pick up on at all~ to know that's passive aggressiveness/anger/a release of frustration/a way to deal with those bottled up feelings. The way it's sung, the energy in it, it's negative to me. I think maniac is key here. He's trying very hard to turn it into something positive, and I'd say releasing a song that people love / can identify with / can have any effect on them in any way that makes them feel alive equals something positive so that's a success no matter how you view it really. But it's still coming from a place of being driven insane. In other words, it's not hard to imagine for me whatsoever this is how he really feels about Louis' most demoralizing stunt. It's like him yelling WOMAN LA LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LA LA LA LA he's just being an aggressive shit that wants to scream and yell and this is the best he can do, he's screaming it all at us. Would there be another way for him to say how he really feels without saying it? I don't think there would. There really doesn't need to be a sneakily positive story behind this song in order to make it make sense.

I've read the paragraph about the "when she's alone she goes home to a cactus in a black dress she's such an actress" many times and I'm missing the logic there. I don't even know how to begin commenting on that one I just don't get it. Anyway this wasn't meant to trash that OP or analysis, and if they're still around and somehow see this just thank you for putting your interpretations out there and all are valid (except for people making it about kendall/taylor those can go somewhere else lol) and none of us really know and were all just screaming idiots on the internet and blablabla.

(about kiwi analysis)

[accioromione]

Book Analysis.....Relationship development (Ron + Hermione)

We’ll start from book 1 of course 

“Oh, are you doing magic? Let’s see it, then.”

She sat down. Ron looked taken aback. “Er — all right.” He cleared his throat.

“Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow, Turn this stupid, fat rat yellow.”

He waved his wand, but nothing happened. Scabbers stayed gray and fast asleep. “Are you sure that’s a real spell?” said the girl. “Well, it’s not very good, is it? I’ve tried a few simple spells just for practice and it’s all worked for me. I’ve learned all our course books by heart, of course.”

So this obviously isn’t a love at first sight type of thing (which it shouldn’t be...they’re only 11). And she’s a little arrogant ....

“All right – I only came in here because people outside are behaving very childishly, racing up and down the corridors,” said Hermione in a sniffly voice. “And you’ve got dirt on your nose, by the way, did you know?” - Chapter 6, U.S. 110

It’s interesting to see how this develops because this introduction serves to introduce a character who comes across as bratty and annoying 

Ron, at the next table, wasn’t having much more luck.

“Wingardium Leviosa!” he shouted, waving his long arms like a windmill. “You’re saying it wrong.” Harry heard Hermione snap. “It’s Wing-gar-dium Levi-o-sa, make the ‘gar’ nice and long.” - Chapter 10, U.S. 171

In a literary perspective I absolutely love how this starts off. Ron and Harry kind of immediately connect..they’re both likeable...But with Hermione it’s like so unexpected that they would even become friends...

“I hope you’re pleased with yourselves. We could have been all killed — or worse, expelled.” 

So yeah we get an idea as Hermione being this annoying character who’s basically getting in the way of Harry and Rons fun ..but then the troll part comes along... 

“If they hadn't found me, I'd be dead now. Harry stuck his wand up its nose and Ron knocked it out with its own club. They didn't have time to come and fetch anyone. It was about to finish me off when they arrived." Harry and Ron tried to look as though this story wasn't news to them. "Well- in that case..." said Professor McGonagall, staring at the three of them, "Miss Granger, you foolish girl, how could you think of tackling a mountain troll on your own?" Hermione hung her head. Harry was speechless. Hermione was the last person to do anything against the rules, and here she was, pretending she had, to get them out of trouble. It was as if Snape had started handing out sweets. "Miss Granger, five points will be taken from Gryffindor for this," said Professor McGonagall. "I'm very disappointed in you. If you're not hurt at all, you'd better get off to Gryffindor tower. Students are finishing the feast in their houses." Hermione left. Professor McGonagall turned to Harry and Ron. "Well, I still say you were lucky, but not many first years could have taken on a full-grown mountain troll. You each win Gryffindor five points. Professor Dumbledore will be informed of this. You may go." They hurried out of the chamber and didn't speak at all until they had climbed two floors up. It was a relief to be away from the smell of the troll, quite apart from anything else. "We should have gotten more than ten points," Ron grumbled. "Five, you mean, once she's taken off Hermione's." "Good of her to get us out of trouble like that," Ron admitted. "Mind you, we did save her." "She might not have needed saving if we hadn't locked the thing in with her," Harry reminded him. They had reached the portrait of the Fat Lady. "Pig snout," they said and entered. The common room was packed and noisy. Everyone was eating the food that had been sent up. Hermione, however, stood alone by the door, waiting for them. There was a very embarrassed pause. Then, none of them looking at each other, they all said "Thanks," and hurried off to get plates. But from that moment on, Hermione Granger became their friend. There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

And then she nags them about the adventures but we see the growth when she goes with them to get the stone ... so yeah they become friends and that’s that...

and of course 

Hermione: "Devil’s Snare, Devil’s Snare … what did Professor Sprout say? — it likes the dark and the damp —"Harry: "So light a fire!"Hermione: "Yes — of course — but there’s no wood!"Ron: "HAVE YOU GONE MAD? ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT?"

Basically showing how all of them were necessary and played a part in saving the day, also a ditzy Hermione moment with Ron stepping up..I really like it... because it shows that on an intellectual level they can converse and debate well as well as take each-other seriously

Now onto chamber of secrets 

Harry knew at once that Malfoy had said something really bad because there was an instant uproar at his words. Flint had to dive in front of Malfoy to stop Fred and George jumping on him. Alicia shrieked, "How dare you!”, and Ron plunged his hand into his robes, pulling out his wand, yelling, “You’ll pay for that one, Malfoy!” and pointed it furiously under Flint’s arm at Malfoy’s face. A loud bang echoed around the stadium and a jet of green light shot out of the wrong end of Ron’s wand, hitting him in the stomach and sending him reeling backward onto the grass. “Ron! Ron! Are you all right?” squealed Hermione. Ron opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. Instead he gave an almighty belch and several slugs dribbled out of his mouth onto his lap. -Chapter 7, U.S. 112-113

So they’re officially friends and Ron is obviously now protective of Hermione ...This is not out of character for him as we see just how quick Ron is to stand up for people close to him..He is Gryffindor after all 

I - don’t - like - spiders,” said Ron tensely. “I never knew that,” said Hermione, looking at Ron in surprise. “You’ve used spiders in Potions loads of times…” “I don’t mind them dead,” said Ron, who was carefully looking anywhere but at the window. “I just don’t like the way they move…” Hermione giggled. “It’s not funny,” said Ron, fiercely. “If you must know, when I was three, Fred turned my - my teddy bear into a great big filthy spider because I broke his toy broomstick…. You wouldn’t like them either if you’d been holding your bear and suddenly it had too many legs and…” He broke off, shuddering. Hermione was obviously still trying not to laugh. - Chapter 9, U.S. 154

More friendship...the audience now gets see a more relaxed side of Hermione now ...Philosophers stone we saw this very serious- and by the rules Hermione up until she meets Harry and Ron...their influence on her has already peaked its way...and has made her character develop..so now she can take part in light hearted conversations instead of just being someone who uses her wit to help advance in the plot 

And now we have Ron saying stuff like 

“That’s what Hermione does. When in doubt, go to the library.” 

I really like this quote because it shows just how close they’ve become as friends..like yep thats Hermione..I know her well so like this is her typical behaviour 

Now we see something taking a little turn.... 

Harry: "What’ve we got this afternoon?"Hermione: "Defense Against the Dark Arts."Ron: "Why have you outlined all Lockhart’s lessons in little hearts?"―Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley

So after this it's a good thing to note that it really is ALWAYS Ron to point out things with Hermione..never Harry ...and he mentions Lockhart a lot... 

“What’s that?” asked Harry, pointing to something gold sticking out from under Hermione’s pillow. “‘Just a Get Well card,” said Hermione hastily, trying to poke it out of sight, but Ron was too quick for her. He pulled it out, flicked it open and read aloud: ‘To Miss Granger, wishing you a speedy recovery, from your concerned teacher, Professor Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League and five times winner of Witch Weekly’s Most-Charming-Smile Award.’ Ron looked up at Hermione, disgusted. “You sleep with this under your pillow?”

So Ron is clearly paying more attention / cares more than Harry does and whatnot 

"Bet you five Galleons the next Mudblood dies. Pity it wasn't Granger-" The bell rang at that moment, which was lucky; at Malfoy's last words, Ron had leapt off his stool, and in the scramble to collect bags and books, his attempts to reach Malfoy went unnoticed. "Let me at him," Ron growled as Harry and Dean hung onto his arms. "I don't care, I don't need my wand, I'm going to kill him with my bare hands-"

So we see that Ron is VERY defensive over Hermione ....it was not Harry to leap up...or Dean..or anyone else..it was Ron 

Harry scrawled to Ron: Let's do it tonight. Ron read the message, swallowed hard, and looked sideways at the empty seat usually filled by Hermione. The sight seemed to stiffen his resolve, and he nodded. "Tonight, we will be able to revive those people who have been petrified.." There was an explosion of cheering... Ron was looking happier than he'd looked in days. "Wonder if she did see the attacker, though?" said Ron, looking sadly at Hermione's rigid face. "You will find that Madam Pomfrey is still awake. She's just giving out Mandrake juice - I daresay the basilisk's victims will be waking up at any moment." "So Hermione's okay!" said Ron brightly.

So all of these clearly show that Ron clearly has a soft spot for Hermione...you can argue that this is not romantic (some speculate it is) but no one can argue that he clearly deeply cares about Hermione

Now we have POA...(ENTERING TEENS UH-OH)

Mum and dad gave me some money to get myself an early birthday present." "How about a nice book?" said Ron innocently.

Playful banter...I think the teasing is cute and its moments like these that are crucial in their developing crushes .. I think Ron used to find Hermione’s know-it-allness annoying but then after meeting her and seeing that she’s basically a dork....finds it endearing...basically growing up with Percy he thought well Hermione is a freaking Percy know it all...but then after spending time with her he realized she really is just a loser who genuinely enjoys reading and isn’t doing it for status or to look down at other people....a

[incident with Malfoy insulting Hagrid followed by Hermione slapping him] "Hermione!" said Ron again, sounding both stunned and impressed. "We're due in charms," said Ron, still goggling at Hermione

I think this was a huge moment that made Ron start to like Hermione...he see  her brave, bad ass and passionate side...Someone like Ron...who is Gryffindor through and through really likes that side of her ....and it further shows the character development we see from Hermione

"Hermione, I don't know what's gotten into you lately!" said Ron, astounded. "First you hit Malfoy, then you walk out on Professor Trelawny-" Hermione looked rather flattered. So yeah here we have the developing crush... 

Seconds later, Hermione slithered down beside him. "Where's Ron?" she whispered in a terrified voice.

So it’s obvious that they care a lot about eachother.. originally we saw Ron care about Hermione (because she was the victim in COS, but now we see it’s not one sided) 

“Hermione,” said Ron, frowning as he looked over her shoulder, “they’ve messed up your schedule. Look - they’ve got you down for about ten subjects a day. There isn’t enough time.” “I’ll manage. I’ve fixed it all with Professor McGonagall.” “But look,” said Ron, laughing, “see this morning? Nine o'clock, Divination. And underneath, nine o'clock, Muggle Studies. And” - Ron leaned closer to her schedule, disbelieving - “look - underneath that, Arithmancy, nine o'clock. I mean, I know you’re good, Hermione, but no one’s that good. How’re you supposed to be in three classes at once?” “Don’t be silly,” said Hermione shortly. “Of course I won’t be in three classes at once.” “Well, then -” “Pass the marmalade,” said Hermione. “But -” “Oh, Ron, what’s it to you if my schedule’s a bit full?” Hermione snapped. “I told you, I’ve fixed it all with Professor McGonagall.”-Chapter 6, U.S. 98

This is nothing new, so as you see 

Ron’s always the one to notice Hermione’s things..be that Lockhart..her schedule...her writing to Viktor..her being in a mood...her going missing..he’s always the one who’s giving the dialogue about Hermione....so it shows they have a special kind of connection... 

"Honestly, am I the only person who's ever bothered to read Hogwarts, a History?" said Hermione crossly to Harry and Ron. "Probably," said Ron. "Why?"

Moments like these continuing to playful banter between them

"If Snape's teaching Defense against the Dark Arts again I'm skiving off," said Ron as they headed towards Lupin's classroom after lunch. "Check who's in there, Hermione." Hermione peered around the classroom door. "It's okay!" Professor Lupin was back at work.

Love this because it shows how Hermione was like going to skip with Ron lol...I think it’s because he got detention last time for defending him or else she would not have let it slide 

A shower of brilliantly colored sweets fell into Harry’s lap. It was dusk, and Ron and Hermione had just turned up in the common room, pink-faced from the cold wind and looking as though they’d had the time of their lives. -Chapter 8, U.S. 157

So now we witness that Harry is not a key in them being able to be together..and Ron and Hermione alone are able to have a good time as they are genuine friends 

and then of course we have when scammers goes missing..

"Well, look at it logically," said Hermione, turning to the rest of the group. "I mean, Binky didn't even die today, did he? Lavender just got the news today -" Lavender wailed loudly. "- and she can't have been dreading it, because it's come as a real shock -" "Don't mind Hermione, Lavender," said Ron loudly, "she doesn't think other people's pets matter very much."- Chapter 8, U.S. 149

this is important...Hermione ..although has had character growth..is still Hermione Granger..a very logical..by the book person...if you go on further in the books you notice that Hermione..although kind..and caring..and meaning well...tends to not offer much emotional support to people when she thinks of logical answers...not just to Ron but see in this case Lavender..she does it to Hagrid..and to Harry .. I think this is one of her character flaws because well imagine you’re upset about something and really just want someone to be like ‘hey yeah you’re right this sucks’ instead you get ‘well....’ and and logical explanation ..she admits this back in book 1- books and cleverness.....Ron is actually a lot better than her in this sense.

Anyway..." She glanced over at Ron too. "He doesn't want me to join in." There was no arguing with this, as Ron chose that moment to say loudly, "If Scabbers hadn't been eaten, he could have had some of those Fudge Flies. He used to really like them -" Hermione burst into tears. Before Harry could say or doing anything, she tucked the enormous book under her arm, and, still sobbing, ran toward the staircase to the girls' dormitories and out of sight. "Can't you give her a break?" Harry asked Ron quietly. "No," said Ron flatly. ""If she just acted like she was sorry - but she'll never admit she's wrong, Hermione. She's still acting like Scabbers has gone on vacation or something."-Chapter 13, U.S. 264

I feel like Ron never got enough credit for being as patient and chill as he was. We know Ron can be hot tempered when it comes to defending his friends..but when it actually comes to his friends he is very forgiving and easy going. I just want to point out that in this same book, Harry refused to talk to Hermione the second he found out she got his broom confiscated. Ron on the other hand, was still talking to Hermione even when he thought scabbers was eaten only until she refused to apologize..at that moment I think Ron was frustrated with her lack of empathy..and in a way I think it was to teach her a lesson....here we even see him admitting to Harry that he just wanted her to admit she was wrong or just act sorry... Hermione...instead of thinking of a possibility that she might be wrong just begins to cry...so I also think moments like these are important because it contributes to Hermione’s character growth and shows how Ron.. as her friend..

Malfoy's dad frightened the Committee into it," said Hermione, wiping her eyes. "You know what he's like. They're a bunch of doddery old fools, and they were scared. There'll be an appeal, though, there always is. Only I can't see any hope... Nothing will have changed."

"Yeah, it will," said Ron fiercely. "You won't have to do all the work alone this time, Hermione. I'll help." "Oh, Ron!" Hermione flung her arms around Ron's neck and broke down completely. Ron, looking quite terrified, patted her very awkwardly on the top of the head. Finally, Hermione drew away. "Ron, I'm really, really sorry about Scabbers...," she sobbed. "Oh - well - he was old," said Ron, looking thoroughly relieved that she had let go of him. "And he was a bit useless. You never know, Mum and Dad might get me an owl now." -Chapter 15, U.S. 292

So now we have Ron..who has put his own feelings aside to help for the greater good. A lot of people tend to talk about Ron being ‘immature’ I actually argue that no one in the trio is immature. A character I would consider immature would be a character like Peeves ..when it comes to Harry Potter characters a lot of them are mature ...and the most mature in my opinion are the trio...we always see them knowing when to be serious/ or put other matter asides when they are put in situations ..I actually feel sorry for them in the sense that I don’t think they ever truly got to be kids..But anyways this greatly shows how mature Ron is capable of being...He realizes that Hagrid is much more important than his fight with Hermione..and when Hermione finally apologizes he’s not only quick to forgive...but he tries to console her in a way that says ‘oh its not a big deal’ when we know he did truly care for the Rat. At a maturity level I actually say that Ron and Hermione are equally as mature...

ok so lets move on... 

"Granger, they're after Muggles," said Malfoy, grinning maliciously. "If you think they can't spot a Mudblood, stay where you are." "You watch your mouth!" shouted Ron. Everybody present knew that "Mudblood" was a very offensive term for a witch or wizard of Muggle parentage. "Never mind, Ron," said Hermione quickly, seizing Ron's arm to restrain him as he took a step toward Malfoy.- Chapter 9, U.S. 122

So more proof that Ron’s care for Hermione is only growing with time 

“… Dad could’ve got a promotion any time… he just likes it where he is…” “Of course he does,” said Hermone quietly. “Don’t let Malfoy get to you, Ron-” -Chapter 11, U.S. 169

So we see some character development here..and Ron is a huge factor for this...seeing back in POA after the whole ordeal...Hermione did not have much of a sensitive side..but here we see a more emotionally mature Hermione 

"You're eating again, I notice," said Ron, watching Hermione adding liberal amounts of jam to her toast too. "I've decided there are better ways of making a stand about elf rights," said Hermione haughtily. "Yeah... and you were hungry," said Ron, grinning.- Chapter 13, U.S. 194

It is endearing that Ron was concerned about her not eating...and again he is always the one to pay attention to what Hermione is doing.this is playful and he’s grinning because we have an instant where Hermione is not going along with what she originally planned...admitting she was wrong in her attempts...and also because he’s relieved to see her eating...also character growth...Hermione admits (although hautingly) that her original attempt was wrong...and this is GOOD for her....I think it’s also a moment like this that Ron likes to see ...and contributes to his growing like for Hermione 

"That idiot, Hogwarts champion?" said Ron as they pushed their way through the chattering crowd toward the staircase. "He's not an idiot. You just don't like him because he beat Gryffindor at Quidditch," said Hermione. "I've heard he's a really good student - and he's a prefect." She spoke as though this settled the matter. "You only like him because he's handsome," said Ron scathingly. "Excuse me, I don't like people just because they're handsome!" said Hermione indignantly Ron gave a loud false cough, which sounded oddly like "Lockhart!" -Chapter 15, U.S. 236

So we start to see Ron become a bit jealous...I also think Ron is so surprised that Hermione can be stereotypically girly because it’s just not the Hermione he is used to seeing...but this makes him realize that well..she is in fact a girl.... and that he ..who already cares about her..and finds her endearing...realizes that she is not just another Harry to him 

Jets of light shot from both wands, hit each other in midair, and ricocheted off at angles - Harry's hit Goyle in the face, and Malfoy's hit Hermione. Goyle bellowed and put his hands to his nose, where great ugly boils were springing up - Hermione, whimpering in panic, was clutching her mouth.

"Hermione!" Ron had hurried forward to see what was wrong with her; Harry turned and saw Ron dragging Hermione's hand away from her face. It wasn't a pretty sight. Hermione's front teeth - already larger than average - were now growing at an alarming rate; she was looking more and more like a beaver as her teeth elongated, past her bottom lip, toward her chin - panic-stricken, she felt them and let out a terrified cry. -Chapter 18, U.S. 299

Ron is the one to go check on Hermione.. and this is always the case 

Hermione, however, leaned against the Owlery wall, folded her arms, and frowned at Ron. "Harry's got a long way to go before he finishes this tournament," she said seriously. "If that was the first task, I hate to think what's coming next." "Right little ray of sunshine, aren't you?" said Ron. -Chapter 21, U.S. 364

Very cute.....and we see just how playful their friendship can be 

"All the good-looking ones taken, Ron?" said Hermione, loftily. "Eloise Midgen starting to look quite pretty now, isn't she? Well, I'm sure you'll find someone somewhere who'll have you."

But Ron was staring at Hermione as though suddenly seeing her in a whole new light. "Hermione, Neville's right - you are a girl..." "Oh well spotted," she said acidly. "Well - can't you come with one of us?" "No, I can't," snapped Hermione. "Oh come on," he said impatiently, "we need partners, we're going to look really stupid if we haven't got any, everyone else has..." "I can't come with you," said Hermione, now blushing, "because I'm already going with someone." "No, you're not!" said Ron. "You just said that to get rid of Neville!" "Oh did I?" said Hermione, and her eyes flashed dangerously. "Just because it's taken you three years to notice, Ron, doesn't mean no one else spotted I'm a girl!" Ron stared at her. Then he grinned again. "Okay, okay, we know you're a girl," he said. "That do? Will you come now?" "I've already told you!" Hermione said very angrily. "I'm going with someone else!" And she stormed off toward the girls' dormitories again. "She's lying," said Ron flatly, watching her go. -Chapter 22, U.S. 400

Here we have something I think is skipped over a lot. Everyone thinks that this is basically Ron insulting Hermione...but pay attention because Ron is basically admitting he thinks Hermione is an attractive girl. This whole ordeal is because he wanted to take out a good looking girl..so when he realizes Hermione is right there. He’s okay with Hermione going with either Harry or him because she’s good looking in his eyes. (you can find people good looking and not be in love with them right away) ...when Ron says ‘you’re not actually going with someone’ of course Hermione takes offence - but I think he didn't mean it in a way thats like ‘youre not good looking enough’ but more a ‘you’re Hermione and you dont focus on these things’ but Hermione ...who is indeed a girl...takes it personal...

"Hermione - who are you going to the ball with?" said Ron. He kept springing this question on her, hoping to startle her into a response by asking it when she least expected it. However, Hermione merely frowned and said, "I'm not telling you, you'll just make fun of me."-Chapter 23, U.S. 404

So now we see Ron is very interested with who Hermione is going with..this is PERFECT 14 year old behaviour ...Ron realizing that Hermione is ATTRACTIVE to other guys..and isnt just their friend.. makes him see her in a whole new light ..this is basically the moment you can be confident that Harry and Ron see Hermione in different ways...at this moment Harry is already attracted to another girl who is going to the ball with someone else..and does not seem to mind that Hermione is going with someone else...this shows that Harry really just see’s Hermione in a platonic matter...for Harry..going with Hermione would have meant he just had someone...but it doesnt bother him that she’s going with someone else..Ron on the other hand is clearly bothered with this fact 

"Hermione," said Ron, looking sideways at her, suddenly frowning, "your teeth..." "What about them?" she said. "Well, they're different... I've just noticed..." "Of course they are - did you expect me to keep those fangs Malfoy gave me?" "No, I mean, they're different to how they were before he put that hex on you... They're all... straight and - and normal-sized." Hermione suddenly smiled very mischievously, and Harry noticed it too: It was a very different smile from the one he remembered. -Chapter 23, U.S. 405

Ron..again..the first to notice things about her...Hermione has now become even more attractive ..This + the fact that she is another guys interest is making Ron be well...attracted to her... 

Hermione chose to watch Harry and the Weasleys' snowball fight rather than join in, and at five o'clock said she was going back upstairs to get ready for the ball.

"What, you need three hours?" said Ron, looking at her incredulously and paying for his lapse in concentration when a large snowball, thrown by George, hit him hard on the side of the head. "Who're you going with?" he yelled after Hermione, but she just waved and disappeared up the stone steps into the castle. -Chapter 23, U.S. 411

He has not given up asking..

"Padma's going to meet you in the entrance hall," she added to Ron. "Right," said Ron, looking around. "Where's Hermione?" -Chapter 23, U.S. 412

So according to Dean..Padma and Parvarti are pretty girls..but Harry (who is fixated on Cho) does not focus on this..and Ron..well we see now the girl who’s caught his eye...and it’s so evidently Hermione ..if it weren't for that...I think Harry and Ron would have had no problem with Padma and Parvarti going with them..but them liking two other people makes them sulky that they’re not going with who they really would like to go with.. .

Where is Hermione?" he said again. -Chapter 23, U.S. 413

So we see where Ron’s focus is..this is where I can say that Ron..100% has a crush on Hermione 

Ron was watching Hermione pass with narrowed eyes. -Chapter 23, U.S. 415

"How's it going?" Harry asked Ron, sitting down and opening a bottle of butterbeer. Ron didn't answer. He was glaring at Hermione and Krum, who were dancing nearby. -Chapter 23, U.S. 420

The jealousy is evident here...here we have Hermione..looking the prettiest she’s ever looked...along with a Ron who clearly likes her now...and he’s mad..he’s mad that it’s not him dancing with her...not only is it not him...but its Viktor Krum..one of his favourite quidditch players. Now some character analysis..Ron is insecure in himself and his abilities ..all his brothers..Harry Potter as his best friend... and Hermione well...he was always close with her...always saw her as someone who well...didn’t compare him to others..Hermione was a friend he had that he didn’t feel like for once in his life he had to prove himself too..yet here she is...looking pretty...and going to a dance with a famous quidditch player...he has to COMPETE once again...his confidence is once again shattered.. 

Hermione came over and sat down in Parvati's empty chair. She was a bit pink in the face from dancing. "Hi," said Harry. Ron didn't say anything. "It's hot, isn't it?" said Hermione, fanning herself with her hand. Viktor's just gone to get some drinks." Ron gave her a withering look. "Viktor?" he said. "Hasn't he asked you to call him Vicky yet?" Hermione looked at him in surprise. "What's up with you?" she said. "If you don't know," said Ron scathingly, "I'm not going to tell you." Hermione stared at him, then at Harry, who shrugged. "Ron, what -?" "He's from Durmstrang!" spat Ron. "He's competing against Harry! Against Hogwarts! You - you're -" Ron was obviously casting around for words strong enough to describe Hermione's crime. "fraternizing with the enemy, that's what you're doing!" Hermione's mouth fell open. "Don't be so stupid!" she said after a moment. "The enemy! Honestly - who was the one who was all excited when they saw him arrive? Who was the one who wanted his autograph? Who's got the model of him up in their dormitory?" Ron chose to ignore this. "I s'pose he asked you to come with him while you were both in the library?" "Yes, he did," said Hermione, the pink patches on her cheeks glowing more brightly. "So what?" "What happened - trying to get him to join spew, were you?" "No, I wasn't! If you really want to know, he - he said he'd been coming up to the library every day to try and talk to me, but he hadn't been able to pluck up the courage!" Hermione said this very quickly, and blushed so deeply that she was the same color as Parvati's robes. "Yeah, well - that's his story," said Ron nastily. "And what's that supposed to mean?" "Obvious, isn't it? He's Karkaroff's student, isn't he? He knows who you hang around with... He's just trying to get closer to Harry - get inside information on him - or get near enough to jinx him -" Hermione looked as though Ron had slapped her. When she spoke, her voice quivered. "For your information, he hasn't asked me one single thing about Harry, not one -" Ron changed tack at the speed of light. "Then he's hoping you'll help him find out what his egg means! I suppose you've been putting your heads together during those cozy little library sessions -" "I'd never help him work out that egg!" said Hermione, looking outraged. "Never. How could you say something like that - I want Harry to win the tournament, Harry knows that, don't you, Harry?" "You've got a funny way of showing it," sneered Ron. "The whole tournament's supposed to be about getting to know foreign wizards and making friends with them!" said Hermione hotly. "No it isn't!" shouted Ron. "It's about winning!" People were starting to stare at them. "Ron," said Harry quietly, "I haven't got a problem with Hermione coming with Krum -" But Ron ignored Harry too. "Why don't you go and find Vicky, he'll be wondering where you are," said Ron. "Don't call him Vicky!" Hermione jumped to her feet and stormed off across the dance floor, disappearing into the crowd. Ron watched her go with a mixture of anger and satisfaction on his face. -Chapter 23, U.S. 421

So I think this is more so Ron trying to make himself feel better...stages of grief..denial..he’s trying to convince himself that the only reason Viktor is with her is to get through Harry...because accepting that he yet again is not good enough is beginning to damage him... 

"Vare is Herm-own-ninny?" said a voice. Krum had just arrived at their table clutching two butterbeers. "No idea," said Ron mulishly, looking up at him. "Lost her, have you?" -Chapter 23, U.S. 423

So we know that 100% Ron is jealous here. 

He climbed into the common room and found Ron and Hermione having a blazing row. Standing ten feet apart, they were bellowing at each other, each scarlet in the face. "Well, if you don't like it, you know what the solution is, don't you?" yelled Hermione; her hair was coming down out of its elegant bun now, and her face was screwed up in anger. "Oh yeah?" Ron yelled back. "What's what?" "Next time there's a ball, ask me before someone else does, and not as a last resort!" Ron mouthed soundlessly like a goldfish out of water as Hermione turned on her heel and stormed up the girls' staircase to bed. Ron turned to look at Harry. "Well," he sputtered, looking thunderstruck, "well - that just proves - completely missed the point -" Harry didn't say anything. He liked being back on speaking terms with Ron too much to speak his mind right now - but he somehow thought that Hermione had gotten the point much better than Ron had. -Chapter 23, U.S. 432

So here we have Hermione admitting that she does like Ron basically to the audience...and now she’s telling him..you take me for granted...yeah other guys find me interesting..other guys find me pretty... so you know what you could have she’s basically like ‘I am that bitch..so appreciate me’ I like this part of Hermione because I think it stemmed from her being offended that Ron thought she lied about being asked to the ball...which she obviously did not take as a ‘you’re Hermione you dont do these things’ and more as a ‘guys would not be interested in you’ and Ron is ..well...he doesnt know how to react because he has seen exactly that....he’s seen that she is not a last resort..and that guys actively seek her and that she is well..in fact..a catch for many guys..and she has basically just told him...you want me? you gotta work for me.. 

Ron and Hermione seemed to have reached an unspoken agreement not to discuss their argument. They were being quite friendly to each other, though oddly formal. -Chapter 24, U.S. 433

So Ron has realized he LIKE likes Hermione..and now he doesn't know what to do...Hermione basically let it slip out that she likes Ron too...and she also doesnt know what to do...so being friends...they decide to do what I think is very reflective of what two close friends would do if they realize they liked eachother.. they try to avoid it...but show tension in the process 

 "It's a lot colder where he comes from," said Hermione. "I supposed it feels quite warm to him." "Yeah, but there's still the giant squid," said Ron. He didn't sound anxious - if anything, he sounded hopeful. Hermione noticed his tone of voice and frowned. "He's really nice, you know," she said. "He's not at all like you'd think, coming from Durmstrang. He likes it much better here, he told me." Ron said nothing. He hadn't mentioned Viktor Krum since the ball, but Harry found a miniature arm under his bed on Boxing Day, which had looked very much as though it had been snapped off a small model figure wearing Bulgarian Quidditch robes. -Chapter 24, U.S. 444

So Hermione is revealing that she doesnt think Viktor is a bad guy..I think this is one of those things where she knows she doesnt truly like Viktor like that ..but he is the first guy to kind of just be romantically interested in her..and he IS a good guy...and Ron of course is furious..because now he knows he likes Hermione...and he’s known her first...and yet here she is..entertaining another guy...another guy who is ‘better’ than him 

Fleur bent down, kissed Harry twice on each cheek (he felt his face burn and wouldn't have been surprised if steam was coming out of his ears again), then said to Ron, "And you too - you 'elped -" "Yeah," said Ron, looking extremely hopeful, "yeah, a bit -" Fleur swooped down on him too and kissed him, Hermione looked simply furious [...] -Chapter 26, U.S. 506

This is so accurate..many people are like why is she mad when she's with Viktor..well because..in real life that’s what happens...jealousy is often the reason you realize you truly do like one person and that person only..have you ever been in the ‘talking stage’ with someone ..find out they're talking to other people and get mad? even though YOU are talking to other people...it’s strange right? well it’s very logical..you can talk to other people because deep down you know your feelings...you know you’re not attached to those other people..but when you see the person you like being with other people..it bothers you because..well you dont know how THEY feel about the other person..and to you it shows that they dont have interest in just you....I say this is 100% true to not only their age but human nature. And is one of the most realistic portrayals of how actual relationships in real life are and how they form.. 

"No, it's just... how did she know Viktor asked me to visit him over the summer?" Hermione blushed scarlet as she said this and determinedly avoided Ron's eyes. "What?" said Ron, dropping his pestle with a loud clunk. "He asked me right after he'd pulled me out of the lake," Hermione muttered. "After he'd got rid of his shark's head, Madam Pomfrey gave us both blankets and then he sort of pulled me away from the judges so they wouldn't hear, and he said, if I wasn't doing anything over the summer, would I like to -" "And what did you say?" said Ron, who had picked up his pestle and was grinding it on the desk, a good six inches from his bowl, because he was looking at Hermione. "And he did say he'd never felt the same way about anyone else," Hermione went on, going so red now that Harry could almost feel the heat coming from her, "but how could Rita Skeeter have heard him? She wasn't there... or was she? Maybe she has got an invisibility cloak; maybe she sneaked onto the grounds to watch the second task..." "And what did you say?" Ron repeated, pounding his pestle down so hard that it dented the desk. -Chapter 27, U.S. 514

Ron’s jealousy .....(also...Hermione looks like she is in part- trying to make Ron jealous..which again...is VERY true to how actual girls at this age act...) honestly really good writing...this is VERY 14 year old behaviour... 

We will see each uzzer again, I 'ope," said Fleur as she reached him, holding out her hand. "I am 'oping to get a job 'ere, to improve my Eenglish." "It's very good already," said Ron in a strangled sort of voice. Fleur smiled at him; Hermione scowled. -Chapter 37, U.S. 724

Again..we see that Ron and Hermione are equally interested in eachother.. 

Krum had come to say good-bye to Hermione. "Could I have a vord?" he asked her. "Oh... yes... all right," said Hermione, looking slightly flustered, and following Krum through the crowd and out of sight. "You'd better hurry up!" Ron called loudly after her. "The carriages'll be here in a minute!" He let Harry keep a watch for the carriages, however, and spent the next few minutes craning his neck over the crowd to try and see what Krum and Hermione might be up to. They returned quite soon. Ron stared at Hermione, but her face was quite impassive. -Chapter 37, U.S. 725

And this is the last glimpse we see in book 4.. okay onto book 5... 

 The door banged open. Hermione came tearing into the room, her cheeks flushed and her hair flying. There was an envelope in her hand. “Did you - did you get it?” She spotted the badge in Harry’s hand and let out a shriek. “I knew it!” she said excitedly, brandishing her letter. “Me too, Harry, me too!” “No,” said Harry quickly, pushing the badge back into Ron’s hand. “It’s Ron, not me.” “It - what?” “Ron’s prefect, no me,” Harry said. “Ron?” said Hermione, her jaw dropping. “But… are you sure? I mean -” She turned red as Ron looked around at her with a defiant expression on his face. “It’s my name on the letter,” he said. “I…” said Hermione, looking thoroughly bewildered. “I… well… wow! Well done, Ron! That’s really -” “Unexpected,” said George, nodding. “No,” said Hermione, blushing harder than ever, “no, it’s not… Ron’s done loads of… he’s really…” -Chapter 9, U.S. 162

So I already outlined how I feel about this..2 things... 1..in the beginning..very Hermione like character (book 1 Hermione would have been like this) Hermione = logic. In this moment she isn't thinking about her own personal feelings for Ron..she’s thinking that it is more LOGICAL that Harry besoms prefect because Ron and Harry do the same in school..but Harry is one of Dumbledore’s favourites..is good at DADA and..has faced more than Ron has... with the triwizard tournament..the Patronus.. the basilisk... and the stone..although Ron did help in every one of those...Harry ..at the end of the day..did face more than both Ron or Hermione herself...so it is more logical that Harry is chosen.. but now realizing its Ron...she’s surprised..because she thought it would have been Harry..but now his brother is saying it in a sense like..Ron isn't prefect worthy..so her direction now points towards Ron..originally she wasn't thinking about what Ron lacked..she was simply thinking about what Harry had...in her mind she wasn't going ‘yes Harry is better than Ron that’s why’ she was just thinking.. ‘Harry is prefect worthy’ ...so now when her direction is pointed towards Ron she starts to think about her own personal feelings about Ron..and why she simply well..likes him...so we see her blushing...people taking it out of context when she can't complete her sentence make it seem like she couldn't think of any good things to say...it was more so she didn’t want to say these things out loud..because they were the reasons why she had a crush on him ...now to Ron...I think this is very important because Ron is usually the one to be like ‘meh yeah I’ll never amount to anything’ but seeing Hermione’s reaction makes him defensive (foreshadowing future events) I actually think him becoming prefect and Hermione’s reaction was a KEY in Ron’s character development..we see ..for the first time..Ron getting defensive about himself..like.. ‘I am not just a nobody’ ...we saw it last book with Hermione to Ron..when she is like ‘see I am a catch- other guys think I’m a catch...’ we see now a Ron who develops a thirst to well..prove himself..show that..just like Hermione did last book..he is a catch... 

"Who're you writing the novel to anyway?" Ron asked Hermione, trying to read the bit of parchment now trailing on the floor. Hermione hitched it up out of sight. "Viktor." "Krum?" "How many other Viktors do we know?" Ron said nothing, but looked disgruntled. -Chapter 21, U.S. 460

We get a bit of GOF seething into OOTP...to highlight that this jealousy is still indeed their and his feelings have not diminished with time 

Harry and Ron both looked at her blankly, and Hermione sighed again. “About You-Know-Who. He said, 'His gift for spreading discord and enmity is very great. We can fight it only by showing an equally strong bond of friendship and trust -’” “How do you remember stuff like that?” asked Ron, looking at her in admiration. “I listen, Ron,” Hermione said with a touch of asperity. -Chapter 12, U.S. 223

So we have book one Hermione..she ..having had her intelligence her whole life...doesn’t realize that other people are not like her.. yes she studies a lot but Hermione is a naturally smart person..and Ron is attracted to it..I think this is AMAZING because a lot of people think that Ron’s insecurities make it so that he wants other people to be lower...but it’s not like that a lot ..he LOVES that Hermione is smart..it’s admirable ...but he himself doesn't like feeling stupid..Hermione’s response is typical book one Hermione..she thinks oh I remember how can’t anyone else? In a way that comes off of rude...instead of blushing and accepting the compliment...but it’s just her character...like even with Krum..instead of finding his accent cute and endearing she lectures him on how he’s not pronouncing her name correctly...but we see a twist here when Ron defends himself...he’s like ‘I listen Hermione...you just have above average intelligence’ ...and now we go forth ..to when Ron becomes keeper...

“Have a butterbeer.” Ron pressed a bottle onto him. “I can’t believe it - where’s Hermione gone?” “She’s there,” said Fred, who was also swigging a butterbeet, and pointed to an armchair by the fire. Hermione was dozing in it, her drink tipping precariously in her hand. “Well, she was pleased when I told her,” said Ron, looking slightly put out. -Chapter 13, U.S. 275

I think him wanting to try out was due to a factor of things...1. him becoming prefect = confidence boost (no he isn’t a nobody he IS capable of doing things..) Hermione's reaction ..wanting to prove that yes IT WAS him who can be a prefect...him getting a new broom...and so forth...there is clearly a thirst to show Hermione that he IS a catch... just like she showed him in book 4. 

“How was practice?” asked Hermione rather coolly half an hour later, as Harry and Ron climbed through the portrait hole into the Gryffindor common room. “It was -” Harry began. “Completely lousy,” said Ron in a hollow voice, sinking into a chair beside Hermione. She looked up at Ron and her frostiness seemed to melt. -Chapter 14, U.S. 294

So we see that Hermione has developed an emotional type of maturity...and it is directed at none other than Ron Weasley ...Ron has yet to see this side of her...and he isn't even paying attention..so unfortunately this goes missed by Ron 

“Good luck, Ron,” said Hermione, standing on tiptoe and kissing him on the cheek. “And you, Harry -” Ron seemed to come to himself slightly as they walked back across the Great Hall. He touched the spot on his face where Hermione had kissed him, looking puzzled, as though he was not quite sure what had just happened. -Chapter 19, U.S. 404

Ron is not used to Hermione showing him affection...however his own nerves has kind of masked his true reaction to this show of affection from Hermione..although they like eachother..we don't really see too much signs of love affection until later on...now this is where their character differences lie..to Hermione ..that must of been a lot..her kissing him on the cheek is like..obviously I am showing you so much affection..But Ron is an insecure being...+ she is still writing to an international quidditch player..Ron likes Hermione and Hermione likes Ron... it is evident here... however Ron does NOT know that Hermione likes him and Hermione has thought that she told Ron she does..

Ron made a noise that might have indicated jubilation or disgust, it was hard to tell. “Because she was crying,” Harry continued heavily. “Oh,” said Ron, his smile fading slightly. “Are you that bad at kissing?” “Dunno,” said Harry, who hadn’t considered this, and immediately felt rather worried. “Maybe I am.” “Of course you’re not,” said Hermione absently, still scribbling away at her letter. “How do you know?” said Ron in a sharp voice. -Chapter 21, U.S. 458

Here we see for the first time..Ron jealous over Hermione and Harry’s relationship....he ..who is friends with her KNOWS he likes her..he is not aware that she likes him.. he WANTS her to like him..hence the thirst to prove himself...but what she’s shown him in terms of love interest so far is Viktor Krum..an international quidditch player..Harry..who is more famous than him...could it be? that she develops feelings for him? he knows that being friends doesnt eliminate developing feelings...because he likes her and she's supposed to be his friend..and could she possibly..have a type? he’s no Harry Potter or Viktor Krum in his eyes .... 

“Thanks for the book, Harry!” she said happily. “I’ve been wanting that New Theory of Numerology for ages! And that perfume is really unusual, Ron.” “No problem,” said Ron. -Chapter 23, U.S. 503

So this is Ron’s way of trying to rue Hermione Granger in his eyes...he’s trying to MAKE him like her...like I said he is completely unaware that she does

“Harry, you’re worse than Ron… Well, no, you’re not,” she sighed, as Ron himself came stumping into the Hall splattered with mud and looking grumpy. -Chapter 26, U.S. 572

This is basically Hermione telling the audience that in her mind..she has shown Ron she likes him..tbh even if I was Ron I would be confused..because she is Hermione Granger and her affectionate level is not up to par... 

Oh, you’re so naive sometimes, Harry. You really think Umbridge will wait for proof?’ said Hermione, who seemed determined to be in a towering temper, and she swept off towards the girls’ dormitories, banging the door behind her. ‘Such a lovely, sweet-tempered girl,’ said Ron, very quietly, prodding his queen forward to beat up one of Harry’s knights.-Chapter 31, U.S. 716

This is beautiful. Why? Ron knows he likes Hermione...and he knows all her qualities..including Hermione WRATH.So for him to say this in his sarcasm shows how knows how Hermione is and why he basically finds it endearing. 

“What do you think about this?” Hermione demanded of Ron, and Harry was reminded irresistibly of Mrs. Weasley appealing to her husband during Harry’s first dinner at Grimmauld Place. -Chapter 29, U.S. 658

And now we see how their relationship is kind of developing into more than a friendship...even Harry notices it... 

Okay onto half blood prince ... 

Don’t you get used to her if she’s staying in the same house?” Harry asked. “Well, you do,” said Ron, “but if she jumps out at you unexpectedly, like then…” “It’s pathetic,” said Hermione furiously, striding away from Ron as far as she could go and turning to face him her arms folded once she had reached the wall.-Chapter 5, U.S. 93

So we see more Hermione jealousy... her interest for Ron has not left over time.. 

It’s Amortentia!” “It is indeed. It seems almost foolish to ask,” said Slughorn, who was looking mightily impressed, “but I assume you know what it does?” “It’s the most powerful love potion in the world!” said Hermione. “Quite right! You recognized it, I suppose, by its distinctive mother-of-pearl sheen?” “And the steam rising in characteristic spirals,” said Hermione enthusiastically, “and it’s supposed to smell differently to each of us, according to what attracts us, and I can smell freshly mown grass and new parchment and -” But she turned slightly pink and did not complete the sentence. -Chapter 9, U.S. 185

Revealed to be Ron’s hair..but all the readers have known since book 4..That Hermione does indeed like Ron..and that of course she would smell him.. 

‘I dunno why the team’s this popular all of a sudden.’ ‘Oh, come on, Harry,’ said Hermione, suddenly impatient. ‘It’s not Quidditch that’s popular, it’s you! You’ve never been more interesting and, frankly, never more fanciable.’ Ron gagged on a large piece of kipper. Hermione spared him one look of disdainbefore turning back to Harry.

[…]

‘And you’ve been through all the persecution from the Ministry when they were trying to make out you were unstable and a liar. You can still see the marks where that evil woman made you write with your own blood, but you stuck to your story anyway…’ ‘You can still see where those brains got hold of me in the Ministry, look,’ said Ron, shaking back his sleeves. ‘And it doesn’t hurt that you’ve grown about a foot over the summer, either,’ Hermione finished, ignoring Ron. ‘I’m tall,’ said Ron inconsequentially.

This is the first time we’ve heard Hermione call either one of the boys fancible..and it's targeted at Harry..remember last book when Ron is conflicted..does Hermione have a type? Is it like what Rita says? Famous people and what not...But we have a slightly different Ron..one that wants to prove himself..the reasons she points to Harry being fancible are traits Ron realizes he has... And guess what? I bet you 100 dollars that Lavender was not the only one who had a crush on Ron...I definitely think Harry had ‘admirers’ but I am willing to bet that so did Ron.. Harry would have more..by default..with the triwizard tournament ..now Hermione just ignoring Ron because in her mind she knows she likes Ron so she’s just educating Harry as to why people are trying out..not telling Harry that she is personally attracted to him..which of course Ron doesnt see this way 

What did surprise [Harry] was that when Ron drew level with them, Parvati suddenly nudged Lavender, who looked round and gave Ron a wide smile. Ron blinked at her, then returned the smile uncertainly. His walk instantly became something more like a strut. Harry resisted the temptation to laugh, remembering that Ron had refrained from doing so after Malfoy had broken Harry’s nose. Hermione, however, looked cold and distant all the way down to the stadium through the cool, misty drizzle, and departed to find a place in the stands without wishing Ron luck.

Like I said..a lot of girls probably crushed on Ron..but Ron..who still has no idea Hermione likes him..is surprised by one OUTWARDLY showing interest..and of course Hermione is jealous 

“You did brilliantly, Ron!” This time it really was Hermione running toward them from the stands; Harry saw Lavender walking off the pitch, arm in arm with Parvati, a rather grumpy expression on her face. Ron looked extremely pleased with himself and even taller than usual as he grinned at the team and at Hermione. -Chapter 11, U.S. 226

First time Hermione has complemented Ron...and his grin says everything.. 

“’Slug Club,’” repeated Ron with a sneer worthy of Malfoy. “It’s pathetic. Well, I hope you enjoy your party. Why don’t you try hooking up with McLaggen, then Slughorn can make you King and Queen slug-” “We’re allowed to bring guests,” said Hermione, who from some reason had turned a bright, boiling scarlet, “and I was going to ask you to come, but if you think it’s that stupid then I won’t bother.” Harry suddenly wished the pod had flown a little farther, so that he need not have been sitting here with the pair of them. Unnoticed by either, he seized the bowl that contained the pod and began to try and open it by the noisiest and most energetic means he could think of; unfortunately, he could still hear every word of their conversation. “You were going to ask me?” asked Ron, in a completely different voice. “Yes,” said Hermione angrily. “But obviously if you’d rather I hooked up with McLaggen…” There was a pause while Harry continued to pound the resilient pod with a trowl. “No, I wouldn’t,” said Ron, in a very quiet voice. -Chapter 14, U.S. 282

So...Ron is confused...the different voice says it all..Ron as of now has NO IDEA that Hermione likes him....Ron was upset in the beginning because this is just another thing trying to bring him down..it’s like the universe is trying to be like ‘Ron you’re not good enough’ when Hermione...goes out of her way to say she was going to ask him... he’s surprised..and now he’s thinking ..does Hermione ...do I have a chance with her after all? Keep in mind that she doesn’t actually ask him...So then they act nicer to eachother and it looks like this might just be the book they get together..as Hermione has now revealed that she does indeed like him

Ron and Harry were the last two in the changing room. They were just about to leave when Hermione entered. She was twisting her Gryffindor scarf in her hands and looked upset but determined. ‘I want a word with you, Harry.’ She took a deep breath. ‘You shouldn’t have done it. You heard Slughorn, it’s illegal.’ ‘What are you going to do, turn us in?’ demanded Ron. ‘What are you two talking about?’ asked Harry, turning away to hang up his robes so that neither of them would see him grinning. ‘You know perfectly well what we’re talking about!’ said Hermione shrilly. ‘You spiked Ron’s juice with lucky potion at breakfast! Felix Felicis!’ ‘No I didn’t,’ said Harry, turning back to face them both. ‘Yes you did, Harry, and that’s why everything went right, there were Slytherin players missing and Ron saved everything!

This is, I think, more damaging than Ginny doing what she did ...Ron has a thirst to prove himself with Hermione....and then they find out that he didn't have Felix Felicis... But Hermione yet again..is being book one Hermione..by logic..all the Slytherin players were missing..but that was just luck..hermione doesnt like luck... or horoscopes..or predictions..she doesnt think this way..she uses logic..so although she doesnt mean to in my opinion..she is taking a dig at Ron..it is harsh...and it is her character flaw..and of course Ron (and anyone else) is hurt by it..because it comes off more as a lack of faith in Ron’s abilities opposed to her just trying to logic the situation out.. 

Harry's snogged Cho Chang! And Hermione snogged Viktor Krum, it's only you who acts like it's something disgusting, Ron, and that's because you've got about as much experience as a twelve-year-old!"

Ron’s basically had it at this point. Hermione couldn't believe he was prefect...he makes the quidditch team..she can't believe he’s good... she’s called Harry this whole catch...he isn't in the slug club.. now he’s thinking..she doesnt even like me because, like I thought, she thinks im not good enough.originally it was like she might be shy..but no she isnt..she kissed Viktor...so .she was going to ask me to the dinner for what? for pity?and we have basically a Hermione yule ball reaction..Ron has had ENOUGH. he’s tired of it..he isnt trash..he has good traits..if she doesnt recognize them thats her loss..he’s not going to fight for her approval... so he kisses Lavender...because SHE has a crush on him..and she hasn't made it so bloody difficult and she likes him for being..well..Ron.. 

There was a horrible, swelling, billowing silence. Hermione was staring at Ron, who refused to look at her, but said with an odd mixture of bravado and awkwardness, "Hi, Harry! Wondered where you'd got to!" Hermione slid off the desk. The little flock of golden birds continued to twitter in circles around her head so that she looked like a strange, feathery model of the solar system. "You shouldn't keep Lavender waiting outside," she said quietly. "She'll wonder where you've gone." She walked very slowly and erectly toward the door. Harry glanced at Ron, who was looking relieved that nothing worse had happened. "Oppungo!" came a shriek from the doorway. Harry turned around to see Hermione pointing her wand at Ron, her expression wild: The little flock of birds was speeding like a hail of fat golden bullets toward Ron, who yelped and covered his face with his hands, but the birds attacked, pecking and clawing at every bit of flesh they could reach. "Gerremoffme!" he yelled, but with one last look of vindictive fury, Hermione wrenched open the door and disappeared through it. Harry thought he heard a sob before it slammed. -Chapter 14, U.S. 302

So now Ron feels awkward..because Hermione does not hide how she feels about this...but this isn’t just jealousy anymore...Hermione is UPSET. So now he’s thinking...she....she does like me? she did want to ask me because she likes me? but why is she like this then....and overall confusion..because now he has lavender..the first girl who has shown him outward interest...but he cannot hide that he DOES have feelings for Hermione..

Ron, whose hands and forearms still bore scratches and cuts from Hermione's bird attack, was taking a defensive and resentful tone. "She can't complain," he told Harry. "She snogged Krum. So she's found out someone wants to snog me too. Well, it's a free country. I haven't done anything wrong."-Chapter 15, U.S. 304

This is perfect... he’s basically saying...yeah I’m a catch too..whats the problem? 

“He’s at perfect liberty to kiss whomever he likes,” said Hermione, while the librarian, Madam Pince, prowled the shelves behind them. “I really couldn’t care less.” She raised her quill and dotted an i so ferociously that she punctured a hole in her parchment.-Chapter 15, U.S. 305

so she’s clearly upset..but you know Hermione, she doesnt admit these things. 

"Hi, Parvati!" said Hermione, ignoring Ron and Lavender completely. "Are you going to Slughorn's party tonight?" "No invite," said Parvati gloomily. "I'd love to go, though, it sounds like it's going to be really good... You're going, aren't you?" "Yes, I'm meeting Cormac at eight, and we're -" There was a noise like a plunger being withdrawn from a blocked sink and Ron surfaced. Hermione acted as though she had not seen or heard anything. "- we're going up to the party together." "Cormac?" said Parvati. "Cormac McLaggen, you mean?" "That's right," said Hermione sweetly. "The one who almost" - she put a great deal of emphasis on the word - "became Gryffindor Keeper." "Are you going out with him, then?" asked Parvati, wide-eyed. "Oh - yes - didn't you know?" said Hermione, with a most un-Hermione-ish giggle. "No!" said Parvati, looking positively agog at this piece of gossip. "Wow, you like your Quidditch players, don't you? First Krum, then McLaggen..." "I like really good Quidditch players," Hermione corrected her, still smiling. "Well, see you... Got to go and get ready for the party..." -Chapter 15, U.S. 313

Here we see a different side of Hermione..a mean Hermione...now...this is HONESTLY typical 16 year old behaviour...and although its mean..its pretty SPOT ON to how a 16 year old girl would react to a guy she likes..a guy she thought she told she likes..a guy who revealed that he likes her ... getting it on with another girl right after (unaware of Ginny)...and well not seeing what was wrong with her whole Felix nonsense... 

“Did you have a good Christmas?” “Yeah,” said Ron at once, “pretty eventful, Rufus Scrim -” “I’ve got something for you, Harry,” said Hermione, neither looking at Ron nor giving any sign that she had heard him. -Chapter 17, U.S. 351

This is interesting...Hermione is being really mean to Ron during this time..giving him shit..now a couple of chapters ago Ron would have been really hurt by her words..to a point to where he wouldn't talk to her..but now Ron is realizing just how mad she is at the lavender ordeal..and he’s realizing..she’s this mad..it means well..she likes me... so he’s taking all the shit she’s giving him because he now KNOWS she’s trying to piss him off. 

Hermione gave an almost inaudible sniff. She had been exceptionally quiet all day. Having hurtled, white-faced, up to Harry outside the hospital wing and demanded to know what had happened, she had taken almost no part in Harry and Ginny's obsessive discussion about how Ron had been poisoned, but merely stood behind them, clench-jawed and frightened-looking, until at last they had been allowed in to see him. -Chapter 19, U.S. 400

So now Ron has been poisoned..and Hermione has been a bitch to him for the past 2 months...and now she feels guilty..because the reason she's been a bitch to him is because he hurt her..because she likes him..because he decided to be with another girl when she thought they were going to finally become a thing...and now she puts her own personal anger aside because above all else Ron is her friend and she does love him.... and she does care for him and she always will.. 

"Er-my-nee," croaked Ron unexpectedly from between them. -Chapter 19, U.S. 402

Well now Hermione is well...Ron just exposed himself..so she knows him being with Lavender doesnt mean he doesnt like her... 

He stopped talking very suddenly. Lavender Brown was standing at the foot of the marble staircase looking thunderous. "Hi," said Ron nervously. "C'mon," Harry muttered to Hermione, and they sped past, though not before they heard Lavender say, "Why didn't you tell me you were getting out today? And why was she with you?" Ron looked both sulky and annoyed when he appeared at breakfast half an hour later, and though he sat with Lavender, Harry did not see them exchange a word all the time they were together. Hermione was acting as though she was quite oblivious to all of this, but once or twice Harry saw an inexplicable smirk cross her face. -Chapter 20, U.S. 425

Now..Lavender doesnt deserve this but it so so sparingly typical 16 year old girl behaviour...that its like ..refreshing..Hermione..although smart..and responsible..is still a teen girl...the guy she likes is fighting with his girlfriend about her..and his girlfriend is jealous of her... and he said her name in his sleep...she’s like yess f you lavender..stay away from MY MAN..thats right be jealous..and her seeing Ron unhappy with it..it’s like yep he wants me dont forget it. 

"How d'you spell 'belligerent'?" said Ron, shaking his quill very hard while staring at his parchment. "It can't be B - U - M -" "No, it isn't," said Hermione, pulling Ron's essay toward her. "And 'augury' doesn't being O - R -G either. What kind of quill are you using?" "It's one of Fred and George's spell-check ones... but I think the charm must be wearing off..." "Yes, it must," said Hermione, pointing at the title of his essay, "because we were asked how we'd deal with dementors, not 'Dugbogs,' and I don't remember you changing your name to 'Roonil Wazlib' either." "Ah no!" said Ron, staring horror-struck at the parchment. "Don't say I'll have to write the whole thing out again!" "It's okay, we can fix it," said Hermione, pulling the essay toward her and taking out her wand. "I love you, Hermione," said Ron, sinking back in his chair, rubbing his eyes wearily. Hermione turned faintly pink, but merely said, "Don't let Lavender hear you saying that." -Chapter 21, U.S. 449

Yep... he likes me ... she's thinking.. and of course she brings up lavender because she wants him to end it with her 

"No joy," said Harry, as Ron joined them. "Bad luck, mate, but you'll pass next time - we can take it together."

"Yeah, I s'pose," said Ron grumpily. "But half an eyebrow! Like that matters!" "I know," said Hermione soothingly, "it does seem really harsh..." -Chapter 22, U.S. 476

Hermione showing affection now because she knows Ron likes her.. 

"Ron, you're making it snow," said Hermione patiently, grabbing his wrist and redirecting his wand away from the ceiling from which, sure enough, large white flakes had started to fall. Lavender Brown, Harry noticed, glared at Hermione from a neighboring table through very red eyes, and Hermione immediately let go of Ron's arm. "Oh yeah," said Ron, looking down at his shoulders in vague surprise. "Sorry... looks like we've all got horrible dandruff now..." He brushed some of the fake snow off Hermione's shoulder. Lavender burst into tears. -Chapter 24, U.S. 514

I feel sorry for lavender here and I think Ron and Hermione also feel guilty...but now they’re over...and they both kind of know what’s up.. 

Ron, he saw, was now holding Hermione and stroking her hair while she sobbed into his shoulder, tears dripping from the end of his own long nose. -Chapter 30, U.S. 647

And now we see more relationship-y affection... 

Ron tripped dazedly toward Harry and Hermione. "You're okay," he mumbled, before Hermione flew at him and hugged him tightly. "I thought - I thought -" "'M all right," said Ron, patting her on the back. "'M fine." "Ron was great," said Tonks warmly, reliquishing her hold on Lupin. "Wonderful. Stunned one of the Death Eaters, straight to the head, and when you're aiming at a moving target from a flying broom -" "You did?" said Hermione, gazing up at Ron with her arms still around his neck. "Always the tone of surprise," he said a little grumpily, breaking free. -Chapter 5, U.S. 76

So now we have different setting..there is a war approaching..seriousness..but they’re physically showing more affection then we have seen... their exchanges are no longer friend exchanges... but people who have a clear interest in eachother 

Don't!" squealed Hermione. Startled, Harry looked over just in time to see her burst into tears over her copy of Spellman's Syllabary. "Oh no," said Harry, struggling to get up from the old camp bed. "Hermione, I wasn't trying to upset -" But with a great creaking of rusty bedsprings, Ron bounded off the bed and got there first. One arm around Hermione, he fished in his jeans pocket and withdrew a revolting-looking handkerchief that he had used to clean out the oven earlier. Hastily pulling out his wand, he pointed it at the rag and said, "Tergeo." The wand siphoned off most of the grease. Looking rather pleased with himself, Ron handed the slightly smoking handkerchief to Hermione. "Oh... thanks, Ron... I'm sorry..." She blew her nose and hiccuped. "It's just so awful, isn't it? R-right after Dumbledore... I j-just never imagined Mad-Eye dying, somehow, he seemed so tough!" "Yeah, I know," said Ron, giving her a squeeze. "But you know what he'd say to us if he was here?" "'C-constant vigilance,'" said Hermione, mopping her eyes. "That's right," said Ron, nodding. "He'd tell us to learn from what happened to him. And what I've learned is not to trust that cowardly little squit, Mundungus." Hermione gave a shaky laugh and leaned forward to pick up two more books. - Chapter 6, U.S. 94

And now we see...sensitive Ron..it’s so strange to see after all these books..but it makes sense.. this is a more serious time..and they’re older..and then of course..the book he read... I think his experience with Lavender was basically the kick that told him..you know what..I’m going to show this girl how much I like her..because I know she feels something for me..so I’m going to woo her over.. 

"This isn't your average book," said Ron. "It's pure gold: Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches. Explains everything you need to know about girls. If only I'd had this last year I'd have known exactly how to get rid of Lavender and I would've known how to get going with... Well, Fred and George gave me a copy, and I've learned a lot. You'd be surprised, it's not all about wandwork, either."- Chapter 7, U.S. 113

Hermione is confusing you can't blame him honestly. 

Hermione made purple and gold streamers erupt from the end of her wand and drape themselves artistically over the trees and bushes. "Nice," said Ron, as with one final flourish of her wand, Hermione turned the leaves on the crabapple tree to gold. "You've really got an eye for that sort of thing." "Thank you, Ron!" said Hermione, looking both pleased and a little confused.- Chapter 7, U.S. 118

Definitely taken from the book..but its great..it shows Ron taking initiative with Hermione..he’s trying to figure out how to get his friend to become his girlfriend...so this whole starting to be more romantic slowly thing..it’s perfect... 

Hermione looked pleasurably flustered, but this time Krum had not come to compliment her. With a scowl on his face he said, "Who is that man in the yellow?" "That's Xenophilius Lovegood, he's the father of a friend of ours," said Ron. His pugnacious tone indicated that they were not about to laugh at Xenophilius, despite the clear provocation. "Come and dance," he added abruptly to Hermione. She looked taken aback, but pleased too, and got up. They vanished together into the growing throng on the dance floor. "Ah, they are together now?" asked Krum, momentarily distracted. "Er - sort of," said Harry. -Chapter 8, U.S. 147

I like that he doesn’t even ask her... this is what we see for the first time...a less teenager like Ron and a more adult like Ron.. 

"You're amazing, you are," said Ron, handing her his bundled up robes. "Thank you," said Hermione, managing a small smile as she pushed the robes into the bags.- Chapter 9, U.S. 162

We see that Ron is indeed a gentleman when he wants to be..and that he is capable of being emotionally mature 

"Family safe, do not reply, we are being watched." The Patronus dissolved into nothingness. Ron let out a noise between a whimper and a groan and dropped onto the sofa: Hermione joined him, gripping his arm. "They're all right, they're all right!" she whispered, and Ron half laughed and hugged her. - Chapter 9, U.S. 173

More outward physical affection.. 

Harry glanced over at the dark shapes they made on the floor beside him. Ron had a fit of gallantry and insisted that Hermione sleep on the cushions from the sofa, so that her silhouette was raised above his. Her arm curved to the floor, her finger's inches from Ron's. Harry wondered whether they had fallen asleep holding hands. - Chaper 10, U.S. 176

Yes they did...and it was 100% Ron who instigated it... 

Ron glanced at Hermione, then said, "What if purebloods and half-bloods swear a Muggle-born's part of their family? I'll tell everyone Hermione's my cousin -" Hermione covered Ron's hand with hers and squeezed it. "Thank you, Ron, but I couldn't let you -" "You won't have a choice," said Ron fiercely, gripping her hand back. "I'll teach you my family tree so you can answer questions on it." - Chapter 11, U.S. 209

Outward physical affection between them...as we see Ron is not shy to grip her hand right back. 

"Don't look at me like that!" he snapped at Hermione. "Don't you start on her!" snarled Ron.- Chapter 11, U.S. 215

Ron making it clear that although they are all friends..Hermione is his love interest and he won’t let guys disrespect her..even if it’s Harry.. 

"Snape could send Phineas Nigellus to look inside this house for him," Hermione explained to Ron as she resumed her seat. "But let him try it now, all Phineas Nigellus will be able to see is the inside of my handbag." "Good thinking!" said Ron, looking impressed. "Thank you," smiled Hermione, pulling her soup toward her.- Chapter 12, U.S. 228

Some more 12 fail safe action..Ron...even in the midst of all of this..remembers to pay Hermione compliments because well..he wants to be a gentleman to her.. 

Respect?" Harry repeated, but Hermione shot him a warning look; apparently he was not to argue with Ron while the latter was in such a weakened condition.- Chapter 14, U.S. 273

Same as Ron..Hermione makes it clear that even though they’re all friends... Ron is not to be mistreated because that is well..her man.. 

Hermione was watching Ron fret over the fate of the Cameroles, and there was such tenderness in her expression that Harry felt as if he had surprised her in the act of kissing him.- Chapter 14, U.S. 274

So like has now turned into love... Ron..who has been paying her compliments..shown his maturity..and now his amazing character..has indeed one over the love of Hermione Granger 

Ron wrenched the chain from over his head and cast the locket into a nearby chair. He turned to Hermione. "What are you doing?" "What do you mean? "Are you staying, or what?" "I..." She looked anguished. "Yes - yes, I'm staying. Ron, we said we'd go with Harry, we said we'd help -" "I get it. You choose him." "Ron, no - please - come back, come back!" She was impeded by her own Shield Charm; by the time she had removed it, he had already stormed into the night. Harry stood quite still and silent, listening to her sobbing and calling Ron's name amongst the trees. After a few minutes she returned, her sopping hair plastered to her face. "He's g-g-gone! Disapparated!" She threw herself into a chair, curled up, and started to cry.- Chapter 15, U.S. 309

Ron..even with the influence of the locket.. did not forget about Hermione..he asked her..even with the locket telling him that Hermione didn't care about him..and her staying just validating the locket. Hermione is now devastated at this point..because he was JUST gentleman Ron..just making jokes...just showing her that he cared..how could he switch so quickly? Of course...the locket..she knows its the locket.. she feels down with it as well..it keeps telling her about her parents..how she will never fit in the wizarding world as a muggle born..but she never had any doubts about Ron...Ron only gave her doubts when Lavender.. and that ended...this locket picks up on INSECURITIES... Hermione is a confident young woman when it comes to her relationships..her fears are in not doing well...not in how others perceive her..and we know how Harry was.. his insecurity was that people doubted him..the boy who lied...now we have Ron..his insecurities is that he is not good enough..not for Harry..not for Hermione...and that he was useless..why take part of a war you dont contribute to? He’s holding them BACK. With his injury...He is RUINING their chances of defeating voldemort..they would be better without him... its SHOULD be the two of them..everyone else thinks so.....so he leaves...and she doesnt reach Ron in time...the moment the lockets off he realizes...what he’d done..his love for them has always ALWAYS conquered his insecurities..but its too late. 

"Why return? We were better without you, happier without you, glad of your absence... We laughed at your stupidity, your cowardice, your presumption -" "Presumption!" echoed the Riddle-Hermione, who was more beautiful and yet more terrible than the real Hermione: She swayed, cackling, before Ron, who looked horrified yet transfixed, the sword hanging pointlessly at his side. "Who could look at you, who would ever look at you, beside Harry Potter? What have you ever done, compared with the Chosen One? What are you, compared with the Boy Who Lived?" "Ron, stab it, STAB IT!" Harry yelled, but Ron did not move: His eyes were wide, and the Riddle-Harry and Riddle-Hermione were reflected in them, their hair swirling like flames, their eyes shining red, their voices lifted in an evil duet. "Your mother confessed," sneered Riddle-Harry, while Riddle-Hermione jeered, "that she would have preferred me as a son, would be glad to exchange..." "Who wouldn't prefer him, what woman would take you, you are nothing, nothing, nothing to him," crooned Riddle-Hermione, and she stretched like a snake and entwined herself around Riddle-Harry, wrapping him in a close embrace: Their lips met. On the ground in front of them, Ron's face filled with anguish. He raised the sword high, his arms shaking. "Do it, Ron!" Harry yelled. Ron looked toward him, and Harry thought he saw a trace of scarlet in his eyes. "Ron -?" The sword flashed, plunged: Harry threw himself out of the way, there was a clang of metal and a long, drawn-out scream. Harry whirled around, slipping in the snow, wand held ready to defend himself: but there was nothing to fight. The monstrous versions of himself and Hermione were gone: There was only Ron, standing there with the sword held slackly in his hand, looking down at the shattered remains of the locket on the flat rock. Slowly, Harry walked back to him, hardly knowing what to say or do. Ron was breathing heavily: His eyes were no longer red at all, but their normal blue; they were also wet. Harry stooped, pretending he had not seen, and picked up the broken Horcrux. Ron had pierced the glass in both windows: Riddle's eyes were gone, and the stained silk lining of the locket was smoking slightly. The thing that had lived in the Horcrux had vanished; torturing Ron had been its final act. The sword clanged as Ron dropped it. He had sunk to his knees, his head in his arms. He was shaking, but not, Harry realized, from cold. Harry crammed the broken locket into his pocket, knelt down beside Ron, and placed a hand cautiously on his shoulder. He took it as a good sign that Ron did not throw it off. "After you left," he said in a low voice, grateful for the fact that Ron's face was hidden, "she cried for a week. Probably longer, only she didn't want me to see. There were loads of nights when we never even spoke to each other. With you gone..." He could not finish it; it was only now that Ron was here again that Harry fully realized how much his absence had cost them. "She's like my sister," he went on. "I love her like a sister and I reckon she feels the same way about me. It's always been like that. I thought you knew."- Chapter 19, U.S. 375

Like I said... 

She saw Ron, who stood there holding the sword and dripping onto the threadbare carpet. Harry backed into a shadowy corner, slipped off Ron's rucksack, and attempted to blend in with the canvas. Hermione slid out of her bunk and moved like a sleepwalker toward Ron, her eyes upon his pale face. She stopped right in front of him, her lips slightly parted, her eyes wide. Ron gave a weak, hopeful smile and half raised his arms. Hermione launched herself forward and started punching every inch of him that she could reach. "Ouch - ow - gerroff! What the -? Hermione - OW!" "You - complete - arse - Ronald - Weasley!" She punctuated every word with a blow: Ron backed away, shielding his head as Hermione advanced. "You - crawl - back - here - after - weeks - and - weeks - oh, where's my wand?" She looked as though ready to wrestle it out of Harry's hands and he reacted instictively. "Protego!" The invisible shield erupted between Ron and Hermione: The force of it knocked her backward onto the floor. Spitting hair out of her mouth, she leapt up again. "Hermione!" Harry said. "Calm -" "I will not calm down!" she screamed. Never before had he seen her lose control like this; she looked quite demented. "Give me back my wand! Give it to me!" "Hermione, will you please -" "Don't you tell me what to do, Harry Potter!" she screeched. "Don't you dare! Give it back now! And YOU!" She was pointing at Ron in dire accusation: It was like a malediction, and Harry could not blame Ron for retreating several steps. "I came running after you! I called you! I begged you to come back!" "I know," Ron said, "Hermione, I'm sorry, I'm really -" "Oh, you're sorry!" She laughed, a high pitched, out-of-control sound; Ron looked at Harry for help, but Harry merely grimaced his helplessness. "You come back after weeks - weeks - and you think it's all going to be all right if you say sorry?" "Well, what else can I say?" Ron shouted, and Harry was glad that Ron was fighting back. "Oh, I don't know!" yelled Hermione with awful sarcasm. "Rack your brains, Ron, that should only take a couple of seconds -" "Hermione," interjected Harry, who considered this a lot blow, "he just saved my -" "I don't care!" she screamed. "I don't care what he's done! Weeks and weeks, we could have been dead for all he knew -" "I knew you weren't dead!" bellowed Ron, drowning her voice for the first time, and approaching as close as he could with the Shield Charm between them. "Harry's all over the Prophet, all over the radio, they're looking for you everywhere, all these rumors and mental stories, I knew I'd hear straight off if you were dead, you don't know what it's been like -" "What it's been like for you?" Her voice was now so shrill only bats would be able to hear it soon, but she had reached a level of indignation that rendered her temporarily speechless, and Ron seized his opportunity. "I wanted to come back the minute I'd Disapparated, but I walked straight into a gang of Snatchers, Hermione, and I couldn't go anywhere!"- Chapter 19, U.S. 379

So Hermione is obviously being cruel..but its justified..he hurt her..she loves him and he left her...but he explains... and of course she hasn't witnessed what we and Harry all have

When Hermione returned to her bunk, Harry lowered his voice. "You only agreed to try and get back in her good books." "All's fair in love and war," said Ron brightly, "and this is a bit of both."- Chapter 20, U.S. 396

Ron has revealed he loves her.. 

"Get - off - her!" Ron shouted. There was the unmistakable sound of knuckles hitting flesh: Ron grunted in pain and Hermione screamed, "No! Leave him alone, leave him alone!" "Your boyfriend's going to have worse than that done to him if he's on my list," said the horribly familiar, rasping voice.- Chapter 23, U.S. 447

Take these prisoners down to the cellar, Greyback." "Wait," said Bellatrix sharply. "All except... except for the Mudblood." Greyback gave a grunt of pleasure. "No!" shouted Ron. "You can have me, keep me!" Bellatrix hit him across the face; the blow echoed around the room. "If she dies under questioning, I'll take you next," she said.- Chapter 23, U.S. 463

"Reckon she'll let me have a bit of the girl when she's finished with her?" Greyback crooned as he forced them along the corridor. "I'd say I'll get a bite or two, wouldn't you, ginger?" Harry could feel Ron shaking.- Chapter 23, U.S. 463

The echoing bang of the slammed cellar door had not died away before there was a terrible, drawn-out scream from directly above them. "HERMIONE!" Ron bellowed, and he started to writhe and struggle against the ropes tying them together, so that Harry staggered. "HERMIONE!" "Be quiet!" Harry said. "Shut up, Ron, we need to work out a way -" "HERMIONE! HERMIONE!"

- Chapter 23, U.S. 464

I'm going to ask you again! Where did you get this sword? Where?" "We found it - we found it - PLEASE!" Hermione screamed again: Ron struggled harder than ever, and the rusty nail slipped onto Harry's wrist.

- Chapter 23, U.S. 465

From above came Bellatrix's voice. "You are lying, filthy Mudblood, and I know it! You have been inside my vault at Gringotts! Tell the truth, tell the truth!" Another terrible scream - "HERMIONE!" "What else did you take? What else have you got? Tell me the truth or, I swear, I shall run you through with this knife!" "There!" Harry felt the ropes fall away and turned, rubbing his wrists, to see Ron running around the cellar, looking up at the low ceiling, searching for a trapdoor.

- Chapter 23, U.S. 465

"What else did you take, what else? ANSWER ME! CRUCIO!" Hermione's screams echoed off the walls upstairs, Ron was half sobbing as he pounded the walls with his fists [...]

- Chapter 23, U.S. 466

He tilted the shard of mirror this way and that, and saw nothing reflected there but the walls and ceiling of their prison, and upstairs Hermione was screaming worse than ever, and next to him Ron was bellowing, "HERMIONE! HERMIONE!"

"And I think," said Bellatrix's voice, "we can dispose of the Mudblood. Greyback, take her if you want her." "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ron had burst into the drawing room; Bellatrix looked around, shocked; she turned her wand to face Ron instead -- Chapter 23, U.S. 472

Ron doesn't care about anything else here..not the greater good..not the war..not Voldemort..just Hermione..and now we SEE that Ron truly loves this woman...he disarms Bellatrix..in this moment he doesnt CARE who it is..and all he is focused on is Hermione ..this shows the readers that Ron...does not view as Hermione as just a crush..or a girl he likes..or a friend...he loves Hermione to a point no one else in that room does.. 

Hermione was wrapped in a borrowed dressing gown, pale and unsteady on her feet; Ron put an arm around her when she reached him.- Chapter 24, U.S. 480

He is her comfort...and we now know that its Ron and Hermione... 

And then he skidded around a final corner and with a yell of mingled relief and fury he saw them: Ron and Hermione, both with their arms full of large, curved, dirty yellow objects, Ron with a broomstick under his arm. "Where the hell have you been?" Harry shouted. "Chamber of Secrets," said Ron. "Chamber - what?" said Harry, coming to an unsteady halt before them. "It was Ron, all Ron's idea!" said Hermione breathlessly. "Wasn't it absolutely brilliant? There we were, after you left, and I said to Ron, even if we find the other one, how are we going to get rid of it? We still hadn't got rid of the cup! And then he thought of it! The basilisk!" "What the -?" "Something to get rid of Horcruxes," said Ron simply. Harry's eyes dropped to the objects clutched in Ron and Hermione's arms; great curved fangs, torn, he now realized, from the skull of a dead basilisk. "But how did you get in there?" he asked, staring from the fangs to Ron. "You need to speak Parseltongue!" "He did!" whispered Hermione. "Show him, Ron!" Ron made a horrible strangled hissing noise. "It's what you did to open the locket," he told Harry apologetically. "I had to have a few goes to get it right, but," he shrugged modestly, "we got there in the end." "He was amazing!" said Hermione. "Amazing!"- Chapter 31, U.S. 623

A twist...Hermione complimenting Ron... and we see huge character growth in Ron..instead of basking in it..he is being nonchalant ...because its bigger than his insecurities now..and he knows it’s about just keeping Hermione safe and ending this war 

Hang on a moment!" said Ron sharply. "We've forgotten someone!" "Who?" asked Hermione. "The house-elves, they'll all be down in the kitchen, won't they?" "You mean we ought to get them fighting?" asked Harry. "No," said Ron seriously, "I mean we should tell them to get out. We don't want any more Dobbies, do we? We can't order them to die for us -" There was a clatter as the basilisk fangs cascaded out of Hermione's arms. Running at Ron, she flung them around his neck and kissed him full on the mouth. Ron threw away the fangs and broomstick he was holding and responded with such enthusiasm that he lifted Hermione off her feet. "Is this the moment?" Harry asked weakly, and when nothing happened except Ron and Hermione gripped each other still more firmly and swayed on the spot, he raised his voice. "OI! There's a war going on here!" Ron and Hermione broke apart, their arms still around each other. "I know, mate," said Ron, who looked as though he had recently been hit on the back of the head with a Bludger, "so it's now or never, isn't it?" "Never mind that, what about the Horcrux?" Harry shouted. "D'you think you could just - just hold it in until we've got the diadem?" "Yeah - right - sorry," said Ron, and he and Hermione set about gathering up fangs, both pink in the face.- Chapter 31, U.S. 625

And its official...they might die..they know they love eachother...and Hermione..overridden by passion has done the most un-Hermione-ish thing...she has kissed Ron...in the middle of a war..and Ron is eager..and this is it..they know it's them..he knows he likes her..she knows he likes him...and they might lose eachother..and so they kiss..and it’s with passion..because they love eachother... 

Rose, who was already wearing her brand-new Hogwarts robes, beamed at him. "Parked all right, then?" Ron asked Harry. "I did. Hermione didn't believe I could pass a Muggle driving test, did you? She though I'd have to Confund the examiner." "No, I didn't," said Hermione, "I had complete faith in you." "As a matter of fact, I did Confund him," Ron whispered to Harry, as together they lifted Albus's trunk and owl onto the train. "I only forgot to look in the wing mirror, and let's face it, I can use a Supersensory Charm for that." Back on the platform, they found Lily and Hugo, Rose's younger brother, having an animated discussion about which House they would be sorted into when they finally went to Hogwarts. "If you're not in Gryffindor, we'll disinherit you," said Ron, "but no pressure." "Ron!" - Epilogue, U.S. 755

Ron although talking about Hermione's lack of faith in him...does it in a much different way than we’ve seen in the books..he’s teasing..and now the audience sees a more confident Ron...he admits yeah she’s right I had confund him..but he doesnt care..because he knows himself now..and hes an adult and he has children with the love of his life, Hermione Granger 

"So that's little Scorpius," said Ron under his breath. "Make sure you beat him at every test, Rosie. Thank God you inherited your mother's brains."

"Ron, for heaven's sake," said Hermione, half stern, half amused. "Don't try to turn them against each other before they've even started school!" "You're right," said Ron, but unable to help himself, he added, "Don't get too friendly with him, though, Rosie. Granddad Weasley would never forgive you if you married a pureblood."- Epilogue, U.S. 756

Adorable. We get an extended version of the Ron that complimented Hermione in deathly Hallows...and it just shows that they now have a very healthy relationship 

In conclusion, there is serious growth that happens in the both of the, ...and their development is one of the best relationship developments I have ever read... we are reading about teenagers here...how many 14 year old relationships do you take seriously? I think them getting together at the last book was perfect...and their characters are so obviously made well for eachother.. Thanks for reading!

[gstfkr]

so I stepped away from tumblr for a bit because the whole mindless content browsing thing was really sucking up my time, but this whole venting/reflection setup works pretty good for me so I’m back. Maybe I can have another go at networking my social shit here too, I dunno. S O , status update time I guess

I fucking!! have a job and have had a job for a while now. The novelty has worn off so it feels p routine now but objectively I am more productive now than I was before, and way more productive w/ this than I was at school. Or like, ever. Huh. I guess at work is the most productive I’ve ever been. Hm. And also I have money now, so I’ve mostly been saving that and spending a good amount on the fam and occasionally getting myself something nice (like a $90 dragon dick that has yet to ship out). And I’m hoping that as I’m getting used to the working life that I’ll start valuing my free time more and be more productive then too. And just, getting more organized and starting projects n shit. And in other bureaucratic adult shit news, I swear to god I am so close to taking my driver’s test, I’ve been practicing and I need to get my hands on an insurance form thing and after that I can get my fuckingngfmgn license and figure out the whole driving thing. my dad said he’s help pay for / buy(???) me a cheapo car, so that would be nice. And since I don’t really have living expenses rn I’ve been saving the grand majority of my money.

Social-wise I’m doing. okay. I guess good. I still feel kinda pathetic in comparison to literally everyone else but I’m getting kinda friendly w/ people at work and conversations are getting easier. I’m not super confident and I still don’t have *friends* but I am getting better I guess. I’m still tryna decide where to go from here. I started a reddit account a bit ago and I did a very small amount of social-ish sorta things, but it has mostly ended up as a content browsing replacement for tumblr. I’m also getting worried that my fixation on comics is actually that same thing, so I’ve been paring that down a bit. Like I am legit interested in literary analysis but I don’t externalise that and find myself just checking back and forth for new things to point my eyes at. I could like. Blog about that I guess??? I mean one of the reasons I’m doing this is because I kinda like writing. 

On that note, I’ve been having trouble with, an indecision thing. I kinda doubt this is a thing many other people experience, especially people that had typical adolescences, but I feel like I kinda have to pick my interests? Like there are so many subjects that I’ve had a very casual interest in throughout the past couple years and I couldn’t really make anything of them. I guess there’s drafting (I should download blender or something and start doing that because I actually fucking love that weird simulation shit) but I abandoned drawing and fandom horseshit which took up. Pretty much all of the precious little time I didn’t spend dissociating and having panic attacks. In addition (and I’ve touched on this a lot, at least in my head) I’ve just been so conditioned against getting engaged in things and repeatedly punished whenever I actually got passionate and I’m just, afraid that I’ll need to find a way to manually fix that too. Maybe it’s just indecision still but I’m worried that it’s a whole different problem that’s deeper than I know. I dunno. I’ve tried writing out lists of what I think is worth getting “into” but it hasn’t worked yet. I’m fucking scared of making the ‘wrong choice’ and yeah, I am also scared of. Being passionate in general. Shit. I think that is a problem with me. But maybe it’s one I’m already working on fixing? Okay. I think I’ll uh, instead of compiling a list of /potential/ interests I should try and make a list of things that get me going. Like, webcomics, and there’s this whole inscrutable category of ‘weird internet shit’ like SCP’s and shitty 3d simulations and amateur casual pc games that I’m really fucking into. And I guess I do get into little engineering things.

That also ties into (goddamn this is getting long) my whole career choice dilemma. Because I’ve definitely been Super Into 1) mechanical engineering 2) genetic engineering and 3) architecture, and somewhat developed that interest in a productive way, but am currently not Super Into any of those things. Maybe that’s a sort of special interest issue? Maybe I should see a therapist again???? Also I should make sure I’m not neglecting the whole fucking college thing???????????? 

I guess I’m into getting so fucking existential that I need to take a break from thinking to stop myself from Not Having A Day. 

I just need to dip my toes into shit I guess. I’ll make a list of Core interests that I am definitely into, a list of shit I should get into some of and a list of ???? shit. I can bifurcate it by shit I actually like to practical shit, which should take up some time but not necessarily passion. Yeah. That should fix this, and then I can get back to, things I need to be doing now.

So this whole time I’ve been thinking of a Plan. Outline time. So I’ll make them lists just to get shit organized, then I’ll start/repurpose a blog for shit I just need to get out there. Like comic shit and, whatever captures my attention I guess. Which I GuEsS is mAyBe the whole point of a blog or something. God. This is why I need friends. Need to put up an ad for people to stop me from embarking on these frigging existential ignoramus quests. So I’ll do all that good shit and then I’ll sleep because I just worked my ass off for like 9 hours why did I think I should try and stay up for 38 hours? Goddamn.

Oh an speaking of I work as a baker which is actually a thing I like and the pay isn’t terrible and the people are Real Cool So Far, and it has been kicking my fucking ass so I’m always Capital S Sleepy™; BUT that is largely because I am A) now getting a shit ton of exercise and B) on testosterone and therefore building those good Boy Muscles at an ungodly rate. I gots motherfucking triceps n shit now. Goddamn I’m tired. List time than speepy time. Night babes

[terpomo11]

Interview with a TV Tropes contributor

This is a cleaned-up transcript, with spelling and punctuation polished and irrelevant side discussion edited out, of my interview with Miranda Garfinkle, an acquaintance of mine. I interviewed her through mushoku.tk, a website for text-based chatting.

My interviewee, as I interviewed her

My interviewee, as she appears in real life

Q: How did you first become aware of TV Tropes? How did you first become interested?

A: Oh man. I'm not sure I remember how I first became AWARE of it. I think what probably happened was I was looking up a show I'd finished, and the TVTropes link popped up front and center

Q: So, just sort of incidentally by random chance? By something unrelated, I mean?

A: I thiiiiiink so? Pretty sure nobody directed me to it or anything. After that it was pretty much a textbook rabbit hole. I really liked reading the example listings and finding new shows or comics that used tropes I liked by searching the examples on those trope pages. I also just really liked reading the trope descriptions and being like "Oh hey, I've seen this one! I know this one!" So that's what got me hooked, I guess.

Q: So what got you interested in contributing/editing?

A: It was pretty shallow - there were some tropes I recognized in shows I'd watched that didn't have the show listed in the example pages, so I made an account to add in the examples that were missing. It was fun recapping scenes I'd found awesome or compelling and getting across how cool they were, or how good of a trope execution it was.

Q: And in your experience, what sort of person is drawn to TV Tropes?

Hm... hard to say. I think there are a few groups. They're almost all fans of stuff, but that doesn't really narrow the demographic at all... You get some people who are hardcore fans of a handful of shows - the people who excitedly talk about plot twists and reveals with people who've never even heard of the shows before, because they just love discussing what made the show great. Those people show up to fill the example pages. Usually they give lurid descriptions, feature quotes from the example, etcetera. They're just there to have fun, pretty much. And I also think you get writers or aspiring writers, who tend to do more meta-analysis of the tropes and discuss variants and what exactly makes the tropes work or not work. They usually build up the trope description and debate what qualifies as a trope deserving of a page and somewhere in the middle you get people who just kinda go through and say "oh yeah <story> did this" and move on. But there's also a significant population who just reads tvtropes without adding to it. It's rather famously a huge timesink and it's weirdly easy to get lost in it for days at a time. I'm pretty sure a lot of people also jump in to add their favorite example/beef up the page for that story and squee about their fave part...yeah, I'm sure there's a large casual editor population.

Q: So would you say TV Tropes has changed how you look at fiction and media? For better or worse?

A: Hm. Well it definitely changed it, and I THINK it's for the better, but I do miss being surprised by simple plot twists. TV Tropes makes you really good at recognizing tropes in action but as a result you start developing an eye for troped-up plot twists and while it can be fun to be like "whoa yeah this part of the story WAS cool AND it's a trope with a million other examples that do the cool thing too!" after a while it turns into "oh hey they're doing this, neat." But at the same time I think it helped me figure out what parts of stories I actually liked, since I could specify like "I really like THIS SPECIFIC KIND OF TWIST ON THIS KIND OF CHARACTER." If anything I think the major thing TV Tropes helped me realize/internalize is that tropes and cliches really AREN'T inherently bad. It's really really easy to have a knee-jerk reaction to a trope showing up and just kind of dismiss the story for laziness but it's a lot more complicated than just "a cliche in your writing makes you a bad writer". As long as it makes sense and works and doesn't feel jarring a trope can be just as effective as an original twist, and in the process of striving for originality a lot of writers contort themselves in uncomfortable or unworkable directions just trying to play floor-is-lava with established literary devices. Anyway, yeah, TV Tropes definitely changed how I view stories and realizing that I didn't need an immediate scornful dismissiveness towards tropes was a big one for me at least.

Q: Do you find the specialized vocabulary of TV Tropes useful, even outside of TV Tropes?

Sometimes, yeah. I personally like using "Heel Face Turn" and "Face Heel Turn" to succinctly describe morality flips, and beyond that five man band, The Lancer, The Heart, Jerk with a Heart of Gold, etc - the specific character descriptors are very useful because otherwise they'd be kinda hard to succinctly encapsulate. And I personally really like "Planet of Hats" specifically because it sounds SO MENTAL but it's such a simple and yet hard-to-describe concept. But yes, the vocabulary of TV Tropes makes certain writing or analytical conversations a lot easier.

Q: Do you find it frustrating to communicate about storytelling to people who aren't familiar with the terminology?

Mm… occasionally, I guess, but I find generally we're discussing stuff that's either too specific or generally outside the scope of most trope names, or if I'm ranting about something I like I'll be going into a lot of detail anyway rather than aiming for efficiency, but sometimes it can be a bit annoying, like if I'm trying to say "this character is a Lancer" I don't wanna have to try and encapsulate that in more complicated terms.

Q: In your experience, does a lot of active discourse go on on the wiki, about how to build it, or is it mostly individual contributors working on their own and communicating when there's a conflict or a problem?

A:It seemed more like the latter to me, but that's mostly because I hardly ever participated in the discourse. Some pages have a lot of conversation behind the scenes, and apparently choice of example photo is hotly debated, but there's not much structure from what I saw.

Q: But there's communication/discourse going on?

Some, yeah.

Q: What things would you say are the biggest discourse magnets/generators?

I honestly don't know much about them. Like I said, I didn't participate, and they're fairly behind-the-scenes - some pages have attached "discussion" pages, but you never have to interact with them. The one time I went to one, it was because I noticed a picture I'd added had been changed back, and there was something of a "WHAT IDIOT PUT IN THE NEW PHOTO" shitstorm happening behind the scenes. Rather discouraged me from engaging, really.

Q: ­Okay, now if you had to sum up in one sentence the essence of what TV Tropes is about, or the essence of its mission, or fundamental conceptual basis, what would you say? Or not necessarily in one sentence, but in a nutshell, based on your experience.

A: Uh, hm. "An encyclopedia of notable storytelling tricks and trends."

Q: Would you say there's a fundamental premise or assumption that TV Tropes starts from or is based on?

A: Probably nothing more complex than "tropes exist."

Q: Nothing about what a trope is? Their definition of the word seems a tad specialized, given that the normal meaning as I understand it is something like "a figure of speech."

A: "Some story building-blocks show up a lot, let's talk about 'em"?

Q: So would you say "story building-blocks" is what they understand by "tropes"?

A: Well I think that's how they're defining it, in its simplest terms.

Q: And, fundamentally, why do you think people like TV Tropes? Or perhaps is there no single common motivation?

A: I think it's just… fun, in a very strange and hard-to-pin-down way. It lets you reminisce about the cool parts of stuff you liked, and it lets you break down what exactly was cool about those cool parts, and excitedly scream into the void about how cool those cool parts were… It's kind of like watching a "greatest hits" compilation of only shows you like.

Q: And as to why people get trapped for hours on end, any idea? Or is that just regular wikiwalkery? It seems like some wikis do that a lot more easily.

A: I think there's a lot less mental effort in a TV Tropes wikiwalk than in, say, a Wikipedia wikiwalk, since in the latter case you're potentially diving into really heavy, weird or just kind of arcane stuff. TV Tropes stays comfortable since it's all stuff we can recognize and kind of go "Oh yeah, this thing."

Addendum: An illustrative image, showing just .23 percent of the tropes, and giving an idea of just how interconnected they are. From this article.

From the same article, a map of TV Tropes as a whole, with colored regions being groups that are more densely interconnected with each other