#I’m trying to hold myself accountable somehow and this is the path of least resistance

[littlecornerinbrooklyn]

I have to deep deep clean and I don’t want to start but I should motivate myself to do it because it WILL feel incredible to have it done and then I don’t have to do it again for a long time if I do it right and my week will be better and this is the last like full week of work before the travel and birthday and week off start so I definitely want to give myself the best possible chance to have an incredibly satisfying week

[bluesfortheredj]

Modern Romance Pt. 16

Walking back into the house this time is even worse than the last and all I can see is where she’s been; the left over cake that she so neatly wrapped in foil to preserve it, the lounger that lay empty in the garden on which we’d been huddled on only a couple of hours ago, and glass that she’d sipped water from before leaving. Going upstairs was completely out of the question for me right now and I need something to distract me from sinking into a lovesick sadness.

“Ben!” I smile when he answers his phone.

“I’ll be right over mate,” he laughs, “I’ll bring the beer if you’ve got the snacks.”

“I’ve always got the snacks.”

“Great, see you in a bit.”

Ben arrives within the hour with the cans of beer as promised and we settle down on the sofa with the rest of the cake from earlier and stick on the television as some background noise.

“A month without seeing her then?” he asks before taking a bite of cake.

“Yeah, pretty much,” I sigh, looking at the slice on my plate but unable to take bite just yet.

I pick up a can instead and flick it open so I can take a long few gulps and Ben watches me with a knowing stare as he shakes his head from side to side.

“What is it about her?” he asks, “apart from the obvious.”

“The obvious being…?”

“That you two look and act like you’ve known each other forever.”

“I can just be myself around her,” I shrug, “I’m the person who asked her if she was listening to Queen at the tate modern, I’m not an actor, and I love how she makes me feel.”

Ben clutches his hand against his chest as he gives me a genuine look of happiness for me, and I give him a smile before taking another swig of beer. It was all true what I was saying, I was just this person who couldn’t resist talking to her, and if she’d gone through my acting history she sure as hell didn’t show it, but I truly believe she wanted to keep it exactly as it was.

“You’re making me want to find someone again,” Ben says, “sounds dreamy.”

“Too good to be true?” I question.

“But it’s not though, is it? Look at what’s happened this weekend!”

“Hmm,” I hum.

“You excited about travelling Australia?” Ben asks, changing to subject on purpose.

“Yeah, yeah I am. It’s going to be an experience I’ll never forget, I’m sure of it.”

“Good! Try and just go with the flow, you know?”

“I am, I really am. I’m trying not to fuck this up completely before it’s even started, but I’m certainly not looking forward to being unable to touch her for four weeks.”

“Oh yeah?” Ben wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

“Not like… Keep your mind out of the gutter, man!”

“So you haven’t…?”

“No! We haven’t. Didn’t stop me from getting a hard on though, did it?”

“Did she see it?” Ben laughs.

“She fucking felt it.”

“Shit, that must have been awkward.”

“Surprisingly it wasn’t, actually.”

“Did you just ignore it?”

“Yeah, it went away eventually.”

“That’d dedication, mate. That’s love.”

“Ha! I don’t think refusing help for your boner equals love, but I know what you mean. The thing is though…”

I’m cut off by my phone ringing and I see her name on my screen when I lift it up, then Ben rolls his eyes playfully before getting up and shaking his empty can to signify getting another one. He points at me and I nod, then I slide my finger across the screen and lift the device to my ear.

“Hello you,” I smile.

“Hey. As promised, here is my ‘I got home safe’ phone call,” she says.

“Good, very good.”

“Have you, um, been up to your bedroom?”

“Not yet...”

“Ah right, okay.”

“Should I?”

“No! I mean, just wait until you need to go up there. Don’t do it because I said this. I shouldn’t have asked, I’ve ruined the surprise now,” she chuckles.

“I’ve forgotten the question already,” I laugh, “but suddenly I’m looking forward to going to bed.”

Ben comes back into the living room just as I say that sentence and gives me a disgusted look which makes me laugh, and then hit him on the leg as he passes me.

“I’ll speak to you soon, Gwilym,” she yawns, “sorry, I’m bloody exhausted!”

“Speak tomorrow,” I confirm, “hope you have a peaceful night’s sleep.”

“You too, bye!”

I find myself staring at the phone screen when I end the call, and Ben snaps me back to reality by shoving a can of beer under my nose with a smile.

“Chin up, mate!” he grins.

“Thanks for coming over, think I would have slipped into some teenage angst if you hadn’t.”

“You haven’t got time to mope, you’ve got a tour of Australia to do!”

“True,” I chuckle, “true.”

Ben stays for another couple of hours before he eventually heads home after cheering me up to a level he’s happy with, and as soon as I shut that front door, I turn on my heels and race up the stairs to my bedroom, taking a deep sigh when I see the sheets that are still creased from where we were this morning. I spot a piece of paper peeking out from underneath the pillow she used and when I retrieve it, there’s a short note on the other side. I sit down on the bed as I prepare to read her words, and my hands are shaking when I read my name at the top.

Gwilym,

I’ve never been very good at articulating how I feel, although after that story I told you yesterday you know that by now!

I laugh as I recall her words: “My family always tease me about how I’ve rarely said ‘I love you’ since 1997!”

But I just wanted to let you know how much I’ve enjoyed being in your company the past couple of days, and I would very much like to spend more time with you. You’re really something else; a rare gem that’s somehow crossed my path. Have the best time in Australia, and I hope to see you when you get back. X

I fold the note and slip it into my suitcase that stands between the wardrobe and the wall, ready to take it with me wherever I go, and I return to the bed where I lay on her side as if it would comfort me somehow, then I wonder if she’s thinking of me as much as I am of her.

-

It’s my first full day in Australia and I’ve never felt jet lag like this before; it’s a complete killer and I both look and feel like utter shit. I’ve had a bit of a change of look since the weekend, and (Y/N) was the first person I sent a photo to. The scruff on my face is now clean shaven and my hair is no longer a shaggy mess, so it’s quite a change but she seemed to like it, which was a huge relief as I don’t want to put her off straight away.

A lot has changed since we saw one another, and although we’re in regular contact, things have been strained the past couple of days; something’s going on and even though she insists she’s fine I know there’s something bubbling beneath the surface. There’s been an influx of people requesting to follow her on social media because someone did a bit of digging and realised both myself and Ben followed her around the same time he uploaded the photo of the three of us. Some people do not understand privacy obviously, so she’s been having to decline follow requests every day so far. I want to be there to reassure her – doing it through the phone just isn’t good enough right now. It feels as though I’m holding a piece of string between my thumb and forefinger, and it’s slowly being tugged away from me as her replies get shorter and the time between them increases.

I understand she’s busy with work and home life right now, but I can’t help that little voice inside my head telling me that she’s losing interest because of all the unwanted attention she’s getting right now. Our perfect little bubble that we’d formed at mine has well and truly popped, and reality is hitting me hard as I could, quite literally, not be further away from her.  This is what I was dreading with coming over here, especially with everything being so new and wanting to keep it just so all the time; a completely impossible task, I know.

I feel like I need to do something to show I’m thinking about her, that I’m serious about this, and it’s got to be something that shows how much I want her. I know what I want to do and it’s risky, but it’s my semi-public grand gesture which is what I need right now. That photograph of her laying in my bed with the sun caressing her skin has been a real comfort the past few days, and maybe... Just maybe, if I show the few people who I allow to follow my private instagram account just how amazing this woman is, and how much I miss her, then she’ll know how committed I am.

Either that, or she’ll absolutely hate me for it.

I switch accounts on my phone, making sure it’s the correct one, then find the picture and get to caption part. I feel more at ease that you can’t see her face and it keeps some anonymity on her part, plus the sheets are covering most of her, it’s only a small portion of her thigh on show – okay, enough justifying this, just fucking do it.

Australia seems lovely, but I’m missing this view…

I hit the post button and immediately lock my phone for fear of her reaction, but then again the time difference is not on my side right now, and it’ll be hours until she sees it probably. Well it’s done now, and I don’t regret it. At least not yet anyway…

@painthatiusedto @winnielinleigh @queenslandlover-93 @excellentbecca @peachllobotomy @lovemarvelousfics @lovemelikeyou1997 @readinghorn @godohammers @timeandpixiedust @lv7867 @fuckyou-imspiderman @aynsleywalker @captainxholmes @the-baby-bookworm @leah-halliwell92 @chlobo6 @tenement-funstah @rogmeddows

[felicezhukov]

:: Dear Nicolas Jaar ::

I have been working on the below manifesto and whittling it down to its key aspects over the weekend, the last week has been adjusting to my new approach and its subsequent withdrawal symptoms. I haven’t had an alcoholic drink or cigarette for 8 days now, I think I finally understand that I can not drink in moderation so it’s better to entirely cut it out except for the occasional occasion. It has not been as difficult as previous attempts because my motives are strong and I’m correlating it to my art, making it my the next avenue of performance. This is ultimately me taking my self guided therapy to the next level I guess.

I have to be a strong muhrmaid samurai, as I will have to travel through the bowels of a sunken cruise liner soon and rescue people.

As I’ve made my breakdown so public it is somewhat of a relief to make my rehabilitation public as well, I’m already less shaky and more awake to my surroundings, in fact earlier on I walked home in ecstasy, everything feels more vivid, more present, it’s as if up to this point the lights have been dimmed in my life. I’m aware that it’s a long road and there will be cracks, breakages etc that might fork the path so I will have to be constantly aware when these arise. This bears repeating as it’s been of great use to me so far:

A hero walks with dignity A hero shelters others A hero stands tall A hero breathes deep A hero goes without A hero accepts their suffering

I will be keeping a diary alongside committing to discipline training for mind soul and body, below are the facets of what being a muhrmaid samurai entails:

THE MUHRMAID SAMURAI MANIFESTO

The Muhrmaid Samurai is sworn to a code of honour, which serves to guide the muhrmaid samurai both in light and in dark, the muhrmaid samurai acknowledges that adversity will be an outline on the horizon and that deep waters can get deeper still with the movements of the earth's core. 

So with this set of basic instructions the muhrrmaid samurai hopes to enshrine truth and nobility even against a backdrop of post truth politics and unsubstantiated fear. The muhrmaid samurai also acknowledges its forebear, the samurai, and bushido the samurai moral code, which these guidelines are born from.

The Muhrmaid Samurai swears allegiance to its master, the intellect or higher consciousness, the Muhrmaid Samurai is the beast aspect inside us all, fighting to protect us.

ENSHRINE TRUTH -- In lieu of the contemporary fascination with lies, always attempt to be as true to yourself and to others as you possibly can. Make truth the axis which you rotate around and practise it daily with peers and with yourself, truth is good and despite its nuances is the core of honour, make it your daily bread. Perhaps if we all tell the truth it will tip the balance of lies that now surround us.

PURSUE KNOWLEDGE TO DEVELOP HONOUR -- Your moral code is your own, as my moral code is my own, though they will most likely engage and decode the same subjects it must be based on knowledge. Take the surrounding world into account and vigorously begin a pursuit of understanding. Watch Youtube, read e flux, make a commitment to yourself to read daily and study what you don’t understand, if something comes up in a conversation which you’re not aware of, make time with that person and then with the vast compendium of thought that is the internet and literature, to fill the gaps you find within yourself. Each person's interests are like a fingerprint and I cannot tell you what it is you might find curious, but through a daily practise of rolling through texts, journals, books, the news, you will find it.

TRAIN YOUR FRUGAL SELF -- Muhrmaids where is your money going to? Plan for the future, creativity can be used as a tool to fatten what might seem like very little, let go of your preconceptions that £5 for a pint is reasonable, think of the taxes this price includes, let go your lack of resistance to paying over £10 for tobacco or £8 for coconut oil, all these things are unnecessary sundries, ultimately what do you need in this life and what you want to reward yourself with? Is having no money because you’ve drunk and smoked it away really logical? When you could spend it on a trip somewhere, on materials to make something, on watching artistry in the flesh. Smoking and drinking equate to time and money lost and inhibit the path to becoming a true samurai.

STAND TALL -- Tap into the bountiful stream of love inside yourself to find your body. Feel your muscles, engage with the physical world in whatever sense that fulfills you, walk from place to place, put your phone on silent sometimes. Sit with nothing stimulating you on the edge of your bed and breathe deeply, allow yourself to get bored, use times of transience as tools to invigorate yourself, know where you are and feel your feet on the ground, or your fins in the fresh water.

PROTECT YOURSELF AND THOSE YOU LOVE Carve out the handful of people that mean the most to you and make a shelter for them inside yourself. Look after and love them fiercely, channel the deep well of your warrior blood to make a bed for them to rest on. In protection you find a deeper self respect which allows you to rest the worries you may have about those in your life.

CREATE It matters not what form your creation takes on, whether it’s game design, writing poetry, carving twigs you find on your way to work, salsa dancing. All that matters is that you use some part of yourself to pour something back into the world, with the act of creation there follows satisfaction and self belief.

MUHRMAID SAMURAI DISCIPLINE TRAINING

Each Muhrmaid Samurai can define their own objectives and goals below is my personal objectives which I intend to adhere to and practice daily in order to be the most streamlined Muhrmaid Samurai I can.

PHYSICAL -- Train for an hour every day at least except Sundays which is a rest day. * 1+ hour of yoga, weight conditioning, pilates and gym ball (coordination / flexibility / strength ) * 30 mins cardiovascular exercise (predominantly running as can’t afford the gym) for stamina and endurance * only eat at mealtimes, relaxed and sitting down, respect food as ritual, practice chewing slowly and acknowledging and thanking universe for whats in front of you, no food groups are restricted except processed grains and sugar, attempt to eat whole foods where-ever possible with emphasis on fish, whole grains, legumes, vegetables and fruit. Treat yourself to 1x croissant / cake etc on Sundays and special occasions, Only drink alcohol (in moderation) on very special occasions (for me the next time that will be will be the birth of my niece or nephew in late august / early september) - this extends to my exhibitions, weddings or milestones of loved ones and christmas day.

INTELLECTUAL -- Study 1+ hours a day on -- invest in some titles from the epic amazon book list below: -- http://amzn.eu/033rra0 As well as reading e flux, science news, scanning the guardian daily and actively searching for blogs / articles on avenues of interest: * science // bio engineering, physics // inc. robotics, space travel, etc * theological questions // ways of seeing and consuming, semiotics, * political theory // chomsky // slavoj zizek // debate on current modes of living, anthropology,

SPIRITUAL / CHARACTER * Work on awareness, meditate, do yoga and practice in waking life to take in environment and engage with surroundings to have keener understanding of what is around you, this also means be aware of your movements, where you put something down, how your room is arranged, what the environments that you move through are comprised of - insert zen meditation into your daily routine * Flaneurism, go on voyages of discovery, actively seek out experiences in the city via internet and other means of publishing, watch music more often in varied environments, go to gardens, events, happenings, sometimes just aim to get a little lost * Practise telling the truth and not bending to other people’s will, defy people politely and with empathy, by being well read and studied it will be easier to counter things you don’t agree with in a methodical and unaggressive way, be aware of the interactions you have daily and cultivate healthy stimulating ones as much as possible * Live in your urges and let them pass through, recognise them to be given fuel by unconscious desires which can only be brought to pass if you bend to them, live in unsatisfied neediness and get used to less *Protect others, if you see an injustice that you can somehow alter do not hold back from throwing your energy in to this encounter. The powers inside you should be used for good and loyal endeavours, look after those that you love and if you are stronger, be stronger for someone else.

FINANCIAL Keep Diary of personal spending and make budgets, key to understanding access and factoring in what can be achieved fiscally. Plan for the future, ie travelling to Devon to see the new baby, going to venice biennale / documenta / istanbul biennale before they finish, trying to get to Europe to see Nicolas Jaar (that’s you) live, catch up with friends in Ireland / Finland / France * Sell wedding ring and hair, which has been sat in my room for some time now CREATIVE Look at getting some open edition prints online of posters I am making for myself as inspiration Edit pralay films for sale and quiz audience from Mermaid Prom to make me interpretations of their experience, whilst addressing how I document it without having any video footage-- perhaps as animated film?? Prepare and apply for funding / residencies for next part of project which should be begun in October 2017