#I’m using femininity for lack of a better term atm

[lousyboris]

Can we talk about how absolutely adorable El’s fascination with femininity is??

[thingsandtrichotillomania]

Trans or Non Binary?

I really don’t know.

On one hand, I really would like to get top surgery. I fucking hate my chest and it looks so weird one me. I’m dying to have a flat chest.

I also would be very grateful if I could get rid of my period. I see no point in having it if I don’t want kids and it makes me feel so gross and it doesn’t seem like I should be having one. It doesn’t really cause me pain, but it makes me super fucking emotional and I don’t like that. 

Those are the two things that are really bothering me right now. 

I don’t know about Testosterone. I really don’t. I don’t have any HUGE problems with the lack of facial hair, or the tone of my  voice. I wish I didn’t sound so feminine but at the same time I don’t want a lower voice. 

Also bottom surgery is something I don’t feel like I want. I’m fine with things down there, other than the periods. There have been some fleeting moments of being disgusted with myself because it doesn’t feel like I should have nothing there, but it’s not an every day thing atm.

My boyfriend says he supports me using male pronouns and the top surgery and getting rid of my period, but he says he doesn’t know how he feels about T. I’m not so sure of it myself, which is why I think he’s on the fence about it too. It kind of hurts but at the same time I know where he’s coming from. I’m sure if I was super adamant on it and KNEW it would make me feel better, he’d be okay with it.

I don’t know how to identify. I guess I’m not “fully Trans” but also not non binary because I know for a fact, I feel SUPER masculine right now. Like I want a guys hair cut, the boxers, the flat chest and no more periods. I want strangers to call me “sir” and my friends (if I had any) to be like “what’s up bro” and be super chill about it all. 

I don’t want to be a daughter. Or a girlfriend. Those terms feel so alien to them, I can’t connect with them if that makes sense. When strangers call me Mam I just feel awkward. I don’t know. Is this all just in my head? Why wont it go away?

3/23/19

[solitary-animal]

My feelings are v complicated ATM.

1. I hate that I love a sport that is divided into two genders 2. I hate that people think I'm woman because I'm not and I'm coming to terms with that but like, I'm really not and I'm also not a man. Far from being a man. 3. I am allowed to be feminine as hell and still not need to be called female. 4. I do get frustrated that my fashion icons ATM are Nick Cave and Brian Molko. I mean I fucking wish my hair was long enough that it could be HAIM but my icons feel more realistic. 5. I am v stressed 6. I am in an incredible delicate over sharing place ATM and I really hate people knowing my real personal business. The overstaring is a part of my ADHD that I control and I don't have a happy medium. 7. I don't like myself 8. I constantly wish I could disappear and just be a voyeur. 9. I don't enjoy attention, I just have a disability that seems to demand it at times. 10. I wish I could stay in bed forever and never talk to anyone 11. I am v anxious 12. I wish I was good enough 13. I try really hard to be a decent human like way too hard because I'm afraid of being a bad person 14. Not about me. Addiction is an illness, stop giving your friends with different illnesses concessions and not your addicted friends. Addiction is a copping mechanism for illnesses. I'm not saying excuse that shit thing they did but stop acting like they did drugs because they thought they would be fun and cool. They do drugs because nothing in their life was fun and cool, it was probably v trauma/trigger filled for them or just plain depressive so they burrowed into a new mindset to avoid the life they were dealt. Maybe if our society didn't stigmatize the mentally ill and had it normalized so we were told to get regular mental health check ups like we are supposed to get our teeth cleaned or eyes checked then maybe we could save more of our friends. If your friend abused you while intoxicated that's still their fault. 15. When will I finally fall into pieces and crumble into dust? 16. How do I live with myself, just like who even likes me, lol? Right! 17. Protect me from myself 18. I feel alienated 99.9% of the time 19. Dissociating and panic attacks are feel so not cool and no one will give me Valium to survive being alive. 20. Please protect my friends 21. I wish I was good at making music. I have a lot of feelings and ideas for songs and I have no outlet. 22. Everyone I know is better than me at all the things I wish I was good at. 23. I feel more like an 👽 than a person 24. In real life I am way less femme in my general life 25. I am bisexual and my fear of rejection and the constant homophobia from the straight community and the biphobia of the gay community that I grew up around made it impossible me to pursue a comfortable vagina & vagina relationship. 26. My boyfriend is great, honestly will protect with my life. Not irrationally, if he is mean or jerky I call him out. But he is a wholesome meme. 27. Don't, cheers. 28. CW: abuse. Don't dispute me about bands that I tell you are abusive because when everyone turns around and say "this person abused X amount of people" you'll feel real silly and bad about the fact that you didn't start disliking them sooner. Just because you liked them without knowing they were shit doesn't mean you're a bad person but if you continue you to like them that's pretty crap behavior. Not to mention the fact that I've been involved with music and been friends with people involved with music for an incredibly long time. That and you are letting down your friends/yourself as a victim of abuse. I met my abusers through the highly rated approval of my peers and social media, so don't tell me supporting monsters doesn't affect their ability to reach victims, also I understand it's hard to escape monsters too. You don't have to notify people just don't give them fuel. 29. CW: abuse. Just because someone consented to the initial sex, or to sex the night before doesn't mean you can touch their genitals ever again. Like EVER. Sometimes it's a simple "WAnT TO FUQ" while you are alone and boom, done. 30. CW: Transphobia. Don't use the term transvestite, they are either a man or a woman or a non binary/gender queer person (which has a range of terminology that we are all separately comfortable with) and even then it's literally not okay to play a guessing game with someone's genitals if they give you their pronouns. Plus there are heaps of intersex people on the world so you don't know shit about gender and genital politics. They aren't "totally a dude" because if they said "Hi, I'm Sally" and her profile says *female* so whether you like it or not some females (We're not assuming Sally has a penis but) have penis' and you just said you like females, you didn't say "I only want females with vaginas" which would still be weird to me, because *men* can have vaginas, so like your decision to think you exclusively like vaginas is also wrong what you really mean is "I am attracted to typically cis gender people and I have never been taught about trans people in a way that isn't transphobic and I am not going to allow myself to feel bad for being awful and exclusionary to a transperson" you should just not bother that person for their sake. Also don't blame transpeople for your lack of knowledge they have always existed we just never fit into the patriarchal system in which oppresses is by restricting knowledge to create a class power system but also I understand people have learning issues but like if children can be taught mum and Dad and men and women, names, etc. they can just call people different things and science is open to gender fluidity, so if you are an atheist and you believe in science and you're a transphobe, you lied and don't believe in science. No one is saying you have to date anymore, maybe you shouldn't until you learn to be less of a TERF? ALSO cis people are literally never expected to say "hi, I'm Genevieve and I have a vagina" on their profile because people assume which is sooooooo ridiculous. 30. CW: homophobia If you make jokes at the expense of gay men to do with the possible eating of arseholes which might I add is silly because everyone who has sex has sexual preferences during sex and some people don't even physically touch each other during sexual encounters anyway if you eat red meat sausages you've most probably already eaten a lots of arseholes in your life time anyway. Both were for pleasure. So stop picking and choosing for your own homophobic advantage. *if you have something rude to say enjoy 27 then refer to 7 to leave my aching body alone