#I’ve got feelings and no brain cells to spair

[help-help-i-need-an-adult]

I might appreciate Memorial Day more

If I didn’t start the weekend by performing at a Memorial Day service

Where I had to sit quietly and listen to a man, who passed laws denying trans kids health care, talk about the soldiers who gave their lives to guarantee freedom “for all people”

Apparently, not trans kids

And probably not the trans woman my brother served with either, if this man got his way

Where I’m expected to stand for prayer after prayer to the christian god

So apparently not pagans or people of other religions either. Could have at least invited a rabbi or something to diversify it a little? I wouldn’t mind standing so much then.

I go because I honestly believe those kids who died fighting in conflicts caused by the rich and powerful deserve to be remembered and honored. Their death didn’t have to happen, but it did.

And if adding my voice to 2 songs helps give them some crumb of the respect they deserve for that, then cool. I’ll go sit in the hot sun and try not to be too upset at the politicians who’s words feel like a slap

I listen to an old bell ring as each of this past year’s deaths are read out

But as a trans pagan sitting quietly waiting for my cue to sing

I can’t help but think the rich powerful man giving the speech about the dead soldier’s sacrifice shouldn’t be there

But he always is because he is rich and powerful and holds office

3 years now I’ve sat and listened to that man talk about things his policies don’t uphold. Things he admits he, and people like him, convince our kids to go out and die trying to protect

And then I go home and watch people party. My part of the city gets particularly rowdy with block parties and people flooding in from all over for the events and spectacles.

They play loud music into the night

They watch a race and don’t even flinch on how bad the event must be for the environment

They grill out and play silly games

And I sit quietly at home with the paper poppy I was given to wear at the service thinking I’m lucky that my grandfather, cousin, and brother all came back

I think about how my brother would still fight to protect me if it came to that and it very well may because of that rich and powerful man

I think of how lucky my family is that none of my uncles got sent out at one point, barely squeaking by as too young for the draft back in the 60’s and 70’s

I spend it this way not because how others do is “wrong” but because I’m an introvert and the ceremony I sing at exhausts me. Listening to the rich powerful man who thinks kids like me shouldn’t exist exhausts me. Hearing my neighbors around me exhausts me. And so I prefer to stay inside where the noise is slightly muted.

Because with the state of our freedom, it doesn’t feel sincere

It should feel like a feast in Valhalla, but it doesn’t. Not to me.

And I wonder how the gold star families spend this day. How they feel. Do they celebrate or mourn? Both?

Do they listen to the rich powerful man’s speech and silently fume like I do?

Do they think their dead kid deserves more than a half packed service on a Friday afternoon?

Are the speeches and Christian centric prayers and wreaths and horses and bells and chair enough for them?

Do they have a trans kid their loved one died for who isn’t being protected despite that sacrifice?

I look into the audience and see several BIPOC families. Are they angry because they aren’t being protected either despite their loved ones death in trying to ensure their safety and freedom?

Idk. I don’t have the answers to any of this.

I struggle to appreciate Memorial Day as it is

The whole weekend paralyzes me

It should be more and less. Backed up by good laws and less bigotry and genocide

But I go. And I sing.

And I sit quietly at home praying to my gods that next year will feel less like an insult to the dead