#I’ve heard that a lot of people on the autism spectrum are obsessed with water like this bc it can create such a great sensory experience

[boag]

Obsessed with running myself a very hot bath and thensitting in it with the detachable shower head in my hand under the surface with cold water running through it and using it to cool the bath down and feel the temperature change until my bath is comfortably on the colder side of lukewarm . And then I drain a bit of the water and start running hot water once again through the shower head and feeling the warmth slowly hit me after I’ve gotten used to the cool water . And I may repeat this process as needed/desired until I’m ready to finally get out of the bath and go to bed. This is meditation for me

[oldphelpsinator]

January 5th, 2020

It’s official. I’m having one of those nights.

My room is messy, I’m feeling kinda wired, I haven’t eaten food or drank water in the past few hours...

I really do NOT have time for mental health flare ups/episodes. I’m just trying to get through the last stretch of my training.

I think I was managing to avoid my emotions regarding the reality of what lies ahead for me. The challenges and everything. I’m kinda worried.

I haven’t reached out for any help or assistance with my mental health for years. I know I will have to this year; especially since it’s been a year and a half since finding out I am probably on the autism spectrum.

It’s hard. I do worry about whether or not I will be able to succeed when I find a new job. My mental health issues have caused enough problems in my interpersonal life, but they have also done decent damage with my past jobs I’ve had.

I am discouraged, as well. Because even though I want to want to be seen and heard and make wonderful connections with people, I know deep down I feel stunted and immobilized. I don’t want to be hurt again in love. By myself or by others. I just want to be put into some sort of robot mode so that I can function properly and efficiently in my daily life.

Heartbreak is annoying, and painful, yes. And I know that eventually you can move on and grow and all of that jazz. And you will meet others. But I kinda don’t want to? I am pretty burned out and tired. I just want to build a good life for myself and be left alone by any potential “love interests.”

Usually, if anyone shows signs of being interested in me, I get really nervous, uncomfortable, and put off. So many things go through my head. My potential Autism, my being on the Aro/Ace spectrum, my mild social anxiety, my mental health issues, my tendencies to get really attached to close friends and form strong bonds that usually eventually end in obsession, infatuation, and disaster.

It’s a lot to unpack, and I know everyone has their own baggage. But I know my baggage. It causes problems time and time again. And I end up hurt and depressed and wanting to distance myself from people even more than I did before.

Yeah. I need therapy. And I will find a therapist this year. I just need time and maybe a little luck? I’m 26 years old. Still trying to get myself to a level of basic of adulting without having a major fuck up or shit show financially, socially, or emotionally. There’s always something going on.

Well. It’s 2020. I manifested this training school. I had wanted it for the past few years and the Universe delivered about 10 months ago. I am 2 months from graduation, and I just need to keep my shit together a little longer.

Idk. Is it really so hard to imagine that there are people out there I haven't met yet who will care, and are open-minded and kind, and will be patient with my baggage, and show me love as well as letting me do the same?

Why does this paragraph remind me of that sad song at the beginning of James & The Giant Peach??? LOL

The effects of this mental episode had me fading in and out between feelings of anguish and a state of clearheadedness. I'm kinda leveled out now, though. A bit numb.

I might eat some Frosted Flakes because I don’t feel like making a full ramen meal.

Kinda want to just go to sleep. I'll choose one.

[gaiatheorist]

“We’re all on the spectrum.”

One of my old managers had evidently heard the phrase ‘On the spectrum’ in relation to autistic spectrum disorders, and decided to use it randomly in relation to anyone he found a bit odd. Head-fuck there, because one of the many and varied indicators of ASD is a person deciding that they are ‘right’, and everyone else is either like-them, or wrong. My linear-logical flow-chart head has decided that the former manager in question wasn’t autistic, he was just a bully. (That’s why I had to ‘boss’ him, to show him that, despite him earning three times what I did, I wasn’t going to show him my belly. That didn’t entirely work to my advantage, because I ended up with a lot of additional workload, “Just cast your eyes over this for me?” I’m a pedant of a proof-reader.)

I have been guilty, in the past, of using a similar phrase, but in a contextually correct manner. Similar, not that lazy, throw-away ‘all on the spectrum’, mine was more nuanced “If you look hard enough at anyone, you’ll find traits consistent with autism.” Boring, procedural side-waffle, that to be diagnosed with an ASD, you have to fulfil the ‘triad impairments’, ever-shifting, but generally grouped into communication, social interaction, and restrictive or repetitive behaviours. (Damn and blast, I wrote an absolutely stunning overview of some ASD training I had at work in about 2003, that’ll be lost now.)

Lazy stereotypes abound in relation to autism, that we’re ‘all’ Rain-man, that we’re ‘all’ unable to socialise, or form attachments, that we’re ‘all’ idiot-savant, with some super-power sort of skill. Autism is not astrology, we’re not ‘all’ watching out for falling pianos, or expecting good news from afar because we’re labelled ‘Virgo’, or ‘Leo.’

In the same way as it being impossible to be ‘a bit OCD’, or ‘a bit pregnant’, a person can’t be ‘a bit autistic’, you’re either on the spectrum, or you’re not. I once worked with a student, and, after literally years of trying to access the right support for him, his Mother casually dropped into conversation the fact that he’d been seen by an educational psychologist, who had suggested ‘borderline autistic traits’. Puberty hit, his hormones went haywire, and we had a student displaying a plethora of traits-consistent-with-autism, but, because there was no formal record of an AS diagnosis, we had to start from square one, in a chronically under-funded CAMHS system. Numbers aren’t my thing, but I think he had five ‘allocated’ workers in a period of about a year and a half. I pushed through his Education and Health Care Plan, which was way above my pay-scale, I badgered CAMHS to keep trying, to accept that this boy really wasn’t coping, and said he was ‘fine’ because he thought that was the ‘right answer.’ He wasn’t the same as the boy who threw his bag up trees, and hid under tables. He wasn’t the same as the girl who screamed. He wasn’t the same as the boy who would spend hours walking around trees when he should have been in lessons, or the boy who genuinely believed he was Dennis the Menace.  

Over the years, I worked with hundreds of children, possibly thousands, some had confirmed diagnoses of ASD, some showed multiple traits, but had no diagnosis. Some, we managed to process through the convoluted and complex CAMHS teams for interventions, some we didn’t. Personally, I slipped through the diagnostic process at school because my traits were mostly productive, and the unproductive ones were attributed to other factors. (I’m smirking, at the memory of the Child Psychologist trying to use a visualisation technique with me. “Imagine the bad man in a bubble, imagine him floating far, far away, becoming smaller, and smaller until he’s gone.” “Yeah, no, the bubble has burst, and now everything is covered with him.” You can’t put a person in a bubble. I used visualisation techniques with some students, the undiagnosed-ASD ones couldn’t do it.)

My current verbal diagnosis of ASD makes sense. (Lazy stereotype about autistic people craving order- most humans crave order.) It also makes sense that other-issues historically have muddied the water, and that more recent issues have made the situation even more complex. Migraines, sensory issues, IBS, PTSD, sporadic anxiety and depression, then brain injuries. It also makes sense that, as a high-functioning female, I was able to mimic and mask, to work around my difficulties as not to burden other people. Until I wasn’t. The masking and passing always took additional effort, as the second neuro-psychologist phrased it ‘At what cost?’ The brain injuries made it very clear that I had multiple sensory issues, because I had to re-learn my masking behaviours, it wasn’t that the brain injuries had ‘caused’ the issues, they’d always been there, I just had more available cognitive capacity to conceal them. I’ve always had issues with ‘smells’, my brother used to buy ‘Pacers’ sweets, and then breathe the spearmint-smell onto me, knowing perfectly well it would trigger a migraine, that was before 1985, I remember the sweet-shop. Bright lights, flickering lights, even the noise light-bulbs make, I can tell when I’m really unwell, because I can feel the heat from light-bulbs on my face. ‘Scratchy’ fabric in clothes, or clothes that are too tight around my throat, garish patterns on clothes make my eyes feel sick, the ex found it hilarious that I referred to most of his ‘going out’ shirts as ‘clothes that would give me a migraine from the other side of the room’, it wasn’t funny. (Argh! The DAMNED striped shirts that the m-i-l insisted on buying him, I was the only one in the house that ever ironed anything, ironing striped shirts made me feel nauseous.)

I’ve never been a big fan of being touched, except in certain circumstances, first aid courses were a nightmare, and I’m that one who freezes rigid when people try to hug me. Lazy stereotype, which Tim Minchin knows not to be true, “If you have this vaccine, you’ll get autism, and you WON’T LIKE HUGS!” I’d totally let Tim Minchin hug me. That ‘could’ be attributed to the PTSD, there are reasons I’m not much of a hugger or a kisser, but that doesn’t necessarily explain my aversion to touch-in-general.   

Everyone is not on the autistic spectrum, people may exhibit traits consistent with autism, but that doesn’t make them ‘a bit autistic’, my ex wouldn’t eat sandwiches if the ingredients were in the ‘wrong’ order. He wouldn’t drink out of blue mugs, and he had several million hobbies, and obsessions,  my loft and shed are still full of his crap, He wasn’t autistic, he was just a prat. My step-father wanted my mother to keep the house to his very high standards, which caused arguments, but he wasn’t autistic, my mother was just a slattern. My father had an over-inflated idea of his own importance, and all-who-opposed-him-were-wrong. I worked with a teacher who brought the same sandwich for lunch every day, strawberry jam, no butter, actually, thinking about her communication style, she might have been autistic. I’ve worked with people who are incredibly neat, with people who became genuinely distressed if anyone moved things on their desk, I’ve worked with people who couldn’t read body-language, or would bang on about their chosen topic, and not notice people virtually climbing out of the windows to escape.  In isolation, these behaviours, habits, and choices do NOT mean that the individual is ‘on the spectrum’, they’re just a bit odd. (Odd as in peculiar, not as in ‘Oppositional Defiance Disorder’, that’s a whole different kettle of worms.)