#I'm getting a higher dose of ADHD meds soon maybe

[knave-of-clubs]

Okay, so, apparently I lied when I said my Bumbleby week stuff would be done on day 8? And when I said I'd throw out some Rosebird week stuff? I really don't know what happened-

I might (heavy emphasis on might) do a chapter of "How Can I Love, When I'm Afraid?" (I'll figure out what I'll call that universe later) sooner rather than later, and throw in some of the Bees/Rosebird stuff if I get around to it-

[salios]

So, for anyone curious here's an update on me mental health.

Still fragile! Holy shit am I a paper maché egg of impossible to predict emotions and guilt. Knowing the names of the things affecting my life has drastically changed how I care for myself. I can actually look shit up (not webMD, I'm talking scholarly) about drug recommendations, interactions, and predicted range of desired and possible effects...

TLDR: still suicidal, supplementary meds added and doing well, and I've started getting back into physical art! (Pics soon).

I know that I'm not just some hypochondriac like my mother always said, and that I really do have chronic pain and an atypical mental set. None of these things are bad or make me less of a person (the pain can gtfo pls); they're just facts of my life that I can now plan around.

I was put on SSRIs for the first time in 2011 after I left an abusive relationship and basically tried (and had terrible reactions to) several meds before the doc settled on Cipralex. I felt dead mentally, emotionally, artistically. But I was alive, so it was better than nothing. I tried Wellbutrin twice; the first time leaving me with /maybe/ 15 hours of sleep in 7 days and my first mental break at 21. Second time in '21 because I was, again, feeling dead and hollow and without any drive. That almost put me in the grave. Turns out I have autism, not some aggressive psychosis. The anti-psychotic will make you spin out of control if it has no value to your system.

I got put on Prozak once I was diagnosed with "Double Depression", a panic disorder, OCD, and ADHD. Holy shit did that make a difference. I cared again, I was invested again, I tried to be social. Turns out my dose needed to be much higher and my job needed to go.

Bad info though: SSRIs mean I can't enjoy cannabis or alcohol the way someone typically would. The effects are severely cut down and overall make consuming either barely worth it. With the addition of Seroquel I find I actually get something from my cannabis now and can reduce the number of anti anxiety and anti insomnia meds I need to take.

And after the last few weeks of mental instability I now have the addendum of Seroquel to my daily regimen. It's half the smallest dose available but still leaves me a little tired and out of it since it's new.

So yeah, long update but I'm getting better, really slowly. And even when it feels like I'm drowning and all I want is to stop existing, I still tell myself I'm getting better. Because I know this dumb bitch and they'll believe just about anything in attractive packaging.

Love you guys. 💛