#I'm so proud of myself but holy shit. Anxiety is no game. That felt so much more difficult than it needed to be

[satans-knitwear]

Guess who survived their first exercise class (ever... )

It was me. I did it. I didn't chicken out or run away or cry (much) or throw up (during, at least)

Treat me ~ Tip Me ~ More of me

[gale-in-space]

oooh, camellia for the ask game?

camellia ⇢ what were you like when you were younger? do you think you’ve changed a lot?

Ohhhh this one's gonna be sad kinda (mostly for me).

Holy SHIT this got long, throwing this under a cut. Read or ignore at your discretion.

I used to be pretty hyperactive and rambunctious as a kid. I loved being a tomboy, I loved wearing paint-stained button-downs, I loved to run, I loved pretending I was a dragon tamer and an astronaut and a warrior cat and a fairy, I loved riding horses (I only did it like once or twice but I loved it), I loved snakes and bugs and lizards and all sorts of creepy crawlies, etc, etc.

And then I got shy. Really shy. I never raised my hand in class and I got all panicky when I was called on. I didn't have friends really, because everyone thought I was weird (and they were right lol) and I dressed weird, too. I was bad at sports and I made bad jokes. I got picked on a lot, and when I told my teachers, they rolled their eyes and told me I needed a thicker skin. So I got shy. I would always bury my head in my hands on my desk and hoped everyone would leave me alone. This lasted through the end of elementary school and into middle school.

In middle school friends happened to me, but they didn't actually like to hang out with me. I got into anime (shudders) and started drawing. I wasn't very good at it but everyone started knowing me as "that weird girl that draws in class all the time." I also started writing a lot, and even got into a writing conference in the 5th grade (I panicked and didn't write anything the whole time). I also wrote my first essay on capitalism and climate change then (I'm sure it didn't make any sense at the time). I hated math and science. Like, really hated it. I also started calling myself stupid and talentless then and started believing it. I think these things are related somehow.

I got really into clarinet playing around this time, too. I fell deeply in love with it and my teachers were so proud of how good my tone was. I joined marching band and pit orchestra in high school and found my home in music. I just... I loved it so much. I felt safe playing my music. I felt like I could actually do things for once (and I got really arrogant about it too, always bossing around the clarinets that didn't get as good of a chair placement as me). I made first chair each year.

I still hadn't come out of my shell though, but I had started to get a reputation as being somewhat funny. I liked to act, even if I didn't go out for plays. I loved to write satirical essays and I fell in love with Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal" at the age of 17. And I thought to myself, I want to be an English teacher and do some writing on the side. Because that was what I was good at.

Nope!

A friend had hooked me up with a Psychology class and I was like "whatever I guess I'll try it, I need credits anyways" and I. Instantly fell in love lmao. It just came so naturally to me. We're talking straight A's all the time, baby. I wrung my fingers about taking a college course in it my last semester of high school (I was convinced I was too stupid to get into College despite being an honor's student) and whaddaya know. I loved that, too. More A's. So I packed my bags on the English Teacher Front and went to college to be a therapist or some shit.

I hated my first year of college. I worked at a hot dog stand and came home smelling like ketchup and beef every night. I quit playing clarinet due to social anxiety and I made absolutely zero friends. Classes were easy until they weren't (Biology was the worst), and I hated myself and wanted to die. I did find some solace in fandom, however - I joined tumblr and became a Tolkien blog and started crafting my own sequel to the Lord of the Rings. That was literally the only reason I kept living at that point - for my weird characters and my extensive google docs about them. And for the Schmidt. What's a Schmidt, you ask? Why, it's coffee, half-and-half, and white chocolate and caramel syrup, all served at the local campus cafe. Delicious.

Anyways. I transferred to a lesbian all women's college and continued my education there. I was forced out of my shell kicking and screaming through courses on "social interaction" and it... actually worked, I'll be damned. I started participating in class more. I wasn't making friends, but I actually talked to people now. My grades shaped up a bit too (not that they were low before, I just happened to be putting a little more effort into my classes. I still wrote my experimental paper the day it was due though. I ace'd it against all odds. Procrastinator's bluff). Whatever. I became a tutor, study group leader, mentor, etc etc. I got an award for psychology and endeared myself to my professors. I graduated with high honors and fell in love with a trans man and decided I was also a trans man blah blah blah got a job at a medical school + hospital yada yada yada this paragraph needs to end already.

Okay. Three years later. I'm an entirely different person (literally). I like medicine now, despite being extremely squeamish (working on that bit). I like space again, despite having hidden that aspect about myself for all my life. Like I really love space. I can't ever be an astronaut sadly, but maybe one day I'll get to work for NASA or something. I'm trying not to get my hopes up though. Only the best of the best end up there.

What else... idk, I'm somehow more mentally ill than I ever was, but at the same time, more stable? I'm deeply in love with my two partners and have survived two hospitalizations. I'm trying to get off my cocktail of medications because it turns out psychiatric meds kiiiiinda don't work that well but it is what it is. Also I'm a witch now. Aaaaand I'm going back to school in the fall, for pre-med. Yeah.

Okay well that was. Way longer than it needed to be so. Yeah. Thanks for the ask :)