#I'm trying to buy food without trying to hoard it OR restrict it which is basically impossible it seems

[cilantrospirit]

fuck it meal plan for the week:

lunch for today:

something made by notme (I am not saving $100 this month y'all but that is the least of my worries)

dinnar:

harvest grains w/ red curry to use the leftover onion

other veg: carrots, bok choy, half a pepper, some cauliflower

protein: tofu

side of cucumber spears and soy sauce

bfast friday:

boiled egg with black sesame seeds

potatoes again

lunch friday:

hummus wrap

veg: cauliflower (cooked), lettuce, pickled cucumber or cabbage

dinner friday:

lasagner (inc. carrots, cauliflower, broccoli, & half a pepper)

salad 👍

bfast saturday (before Big Sleep):

toast with jam & peanut butter

snacktime!

dinner saturday (before/during ofmd?):

big harvest grains salad w/tofu and lettuce, lemon juice as dressing

hmm lasaga

"lunch" "saturday":

microwave quesadilla hours

orange or other fruit (hi jeanette winterson)

breakfast before the sleeptimes:

egg! wahoo!

toast

evening meal sunday:

baked potato w/ any leftover veg that is lingering

salad

work meal "sunday":

wouldn't you know it's lasagna time

and salad yahoo

monday breakfast:

man idk follow your bliss

snacktime!

m(onda)y dinnar 🔥:

mayhaps pizza bagels

with salad ofc

work meal "monday":

fresh rolls! with soy sauce and hummus

veg: cucumber, mint/basil, carrot, lettuce

orange

breakfast tuesday:

egg :]

snacktime!

dinner tuesday:

also pizza bagels

orange

last work meal of the week yahoo! woo!

egg salad sandwich (I have to finish this celery and the mayo fr)

wednesday breakfast:

whatever you want babygirl (lie: options are limited)

wednesday lunch:

gotta keep eating that egg salad!

wednesday dinner

leftovers night if applicable, quesadilla or omelette if not

next thursday breakfast:

salad (rolls) yay :-)

after this go shopping again but egg salad for lunch probably

snack foods to get:

whatever the discounted fruit is ofc

oatmilk for the rest of the cocoa

pistachios

crackers

preserved stuffed eggplants in tomato juice or dolmas

literal candy for morale

[nightinghoul]

Me, talking about all my feelings surrounding food, weight, and physical and mental health

CN: Dieting, weight, ED, food scarcity, food contamination OCD

I talked about how my food restrictions aren't diet culture, and this is true. That aside, is it always bad to diet? I am not sure I know the answer.

Here's where I'm coming from: In 2020, I was on a medication that made me both ravenously hungry, and extremely fatigued. I worked, ate, and slept. That's all I did.

I'm 5'6". I ended up going from 128 lbs to 180 in a VERY short time span. My body felt physically different to me. I literally felt as if my brain had been put into a different body. I was dissociating all the time. I felt like my spirit had been kicked out of its home.

After a med change, I pretty easily lost about 15 pounds, which softened that feeling that my body had been swapped put with another model. But my body still hadn't had a chance to adjust to a different weight, and with my health issues, standing became very difficult. I couldn't hold myself up for that long. Then I developed plantar fasciitis.

I was personally less healthy with more weight. But I still don't think that any specific weight is an indicator of health. I know people much bigger than me who are way healthier.

Anyway, for me, I decided recently to try to eat better, and get more exercise. I have a tendency to go all or nothing, and pacing myself is hard. Instead of calory counting every day, I made a list of my favorite foods, and listed a portion for each one based on the time of day, plus I'm eating more raw vegetables (which I was supposed to be doing anyway). I've lost ten more pounds.

I don't need to be the weight I was before I started meds. I had always been thin because anxiety made it hard to eat. Even now. I go through phases where all food is gross. The textures are gross, the flavors are gross, and everything feels like it's crawling with germs. (Yay, OCD! 🙄)

When I first hit 150, I had a health instructor at the college I was attending tell the class that we needed to check our BMIs, and if it was 25 or over, we needed to lose weight. That's BS, by the way. BMI is totally arbitrary, and should not be used as a measure. I look gaunt at the midrange "healthy" BMI of 121. At that weight, I once had someone hold my hands and try to pray with me, because she thought I had cancer. (It didn't help that I had short hair, but nobody was ever concerned about my health when I was a 165lb buzz-headed butch.) I have a photo from that time, and my cheeks were sunken in. I'm curvy, so when I got at an even lower weight, I looked like a skeleton, and wore size 6-8 jeans.

Low weight isn't necessarily unhealthy, either. But for me, a BMI under 25 does look very thin, and is usually because I have not been eating, have been eating unsafe-for-me foods, or because I have been throwing up my dinner at night due to anxiety.

Food is a difficult subject for me. I grew up with food scarcity, and to this day, I struggle with over-buying and hoarding food. I get upset if I'm stranded without food for even a short time. Even if I'm not eating it, I feel like I need it to be there. And I do not share well. I was this way before I learned I was gluten intolerant, and developed more food sensitivities. Now it can be really hard, because even if I walk into a place with food, it's not guaranteed that there will be something I can eat.

All of that said, I'm just trying to eat the right foods that the doctor ordered (because of sensitivities and Lynch syndrome), get some exercise, so I can lift and carry myself and have a healthy heart, and be at a weight that alleviates foot pain and feels like my real body. I'm in a pretty good place right now. But really, at any weight, or any level of health, I've always been able to look in a mirror and say, "Well hello, cutie pie!" That was part of my upbringing. I wish everyone had that.