#I've ate all the variants of sedatives we have at the house but they are all non-prescription so they don't do shit about my nuclear anxty
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one would think I'd be glad to be potentially offered my old job back in the midst of a crisis and having absolutely no job perspectives
but I've been crying (I'd say full on whailing) and trying very hard not to throw up for 6,5 hours now
and I'd very much like my fucking body/psyche/nerves/whoever the fuck is doing this TO STOP
#it's not even for certain i haven't even actually said yes MY EYES HURT#I've ate all the variants of sedatives we have at the house but they are all non-prescription so they don't do shit about my nuclear anxty#I've drunk alcohol and stabilized for like an hour tops before that got burned out from my system by this hysteria as well#I should go to sleep but the thought of going to lie in the dark and silence with THIS hell in my head makes me nauseated#god you idiot just stop ALL YOUR OTHER OPTIONS ARE MOSTLY WORSE#also not to mention that maybe it won't even happen maybe we won't agree on conditions NOTHING HAS HAPPENED YET#but my everything is throwing a tantrum like I'm starting tomorrow jesus fucking christ#the thought of waking up tomorrow and having to potentially continue this discussion makes me wish to never wake up at all#AND I'M USUALLY NOT THE ONE TO HAVE THOSE THOUGHTS#it wasn't even THAT bad (although I quit for a reason and they SEEM to be aware of that reason#allegedly#anyway this is not the time and place to be fucking dying over yet here my ass is#freaked out beyond measure by the slightest possibility that her comfy-ass remote homey life can change back#god and the fucking position would actually be so easy if I was able to 1. establish firm boundaries and 2. not give a shit#BUT I WILL GIVE A SHIT AND DESTROY MYSELF ON COMPANY TIME AGAIN#I KNOW I WILL#FUCK FUCK FUCK JUST SHOOT ME#nothing happened yet you absolute MORON#SHUT UP#uuuh#tw suicide ment#kinda??? better save than sorry lol#i don't wanna die i just want to Stop Existing it's too different things#*two
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