#BUT I WILL GIVE A SHIT AND DESTROY MYSELF ON COMPANY TIME AGAIN

[tarraxahum-ish]

one would think I'd be glad to be potentially offered my old job back in the midst of a crisis and having absolutely no job perspectives

but I've been crying (I'd say full on whailing) and trying very hard not to throw up for 6,5 hours now

and I'd very much like my fucking body/psyche/nerves/whoever the fuck is doing this TO STOP

[fan-fantasies]

Lady in Waiting

A/N: first off I’d like to offer a disclaimer- there are some time jumps and I altered the storyline a bit just to save myself time. We’ve all watched the series and know what really happened so this is just me taking creative liberties. This is one of the longest fics I’ve written and I’m so happy it’s for our sweet boy, Osferth ❤️

Summary: you are Aethelflaed’s lady-in-waiting and are offered protection by Uhtred and his men, specifically Osferth. You’ve fallen for the man but you cannot give yourself to him fully until marriage. However, marrying the man you love is not going to be as easy as you hoped.

Warnings: a shit ton- dry humping, fingering, oral (f receiving, m receiving mentioned), unprotected p in v, violence, swearing

“Thyra!! Thyra!!”

“Lady Aethelflaed!! Find her!”

The screams of the men were what drew you from the safety of the woods. Finan was the first to spot you as you stumbled your way back into camp.

“Lord, it is y/n,” Finan said. Osferth’s head snapped in your direction and his feet were immediately moving. Before he could reach you, however, Aethelred had his hands on you.

“Where is she? Where is the princess?” He didn’t give you a moment to answer before he was shaking you, asking you again.

Behind you, Thrya was in Beocca’s arms sobbing. She explained that you had all split up in the woods and that Aethelflaed was gone.

“She saved me,” you whispered. All eyes turned to you. “She hid me while the Danes, they…they took her.”

“She gave herself up for the likes of you? It should have been the other way around, should it not?” Aethelred was angry as his grip on your tightened.

“You will unhand her, lord,” Osferth snapped at him.

“I would listen to him,” Finan growled. Though you had not known the men all that well, you were Aethelflaed’s lady-in-waiting so you were familiar with them. You enjoyed their company and how respectful they were. The same could not be said for your lady’s new husband who had already made passes at you.

Aethelred let you go and you fell back against Osferth. He steadied you on your feet while staring down the lord of Mercia.

“We must head back to Wessex,” Uhtred said, looking around the destroyed camp. He watched as Aldhelm whispered to Aethelred who glared at you. “Osferth, you will bring lady y/n back to Winchester and keep an eye on things there for me. We will return to Cookham where Alfred wishes me to stay until we have news to share.”

“I will not be returning to Mercia, lord?” You asked softly.

“No, lady. I do not trust that turd to treat you kindly. Osferth here will protect you,” he said with a kind smile.

“I will take care of you,” Osferth said confidently.

“I know you will.” Finan and Sihtric exchanged a knowing glance when the young monk’s face tinged pink.

Once the camp was salvaged as much as possible, everyone hit the road. Uhtred made sure to keep you close to him and his men.

“I do not understand why I am being protected as if I am treasure,” you chuckled sadly.

“You are as good as gold, lady,” Finan told you.

“Better than,” Osferth added. You ducked your head to hide your smile at their flattery.

You could see Aldhelm and Aethelred scheming ahead of you but Uhtred assured you that all would be fine.

Once Uhtred and his men split off from the group, your nerves began to build. You trusted Osferth but you knew he was no match for the conniving lord of Mercia.

Osferth escorted you to the inn where you were informed that there was only one room available. Osferth paid for it and you brought your things to the room.

“I can find somewhere else to stay, lady,” he offered.

“Nonsense. You paid for the room, you should at least use it,” you told him. “We will be fine and now I know I will be safe.”

Osferth nodded and unpacked his bag. He allowed you to freshen up first before escorting you to dinner. The conversation flowed easily and you found yourself at ease for the first time since the camp was raided. You still worried about Aethelflaed but you knew Uhtred would do everything in his power to retrieve her safely.

“I wonder if they have made it to Cookham already. I am sure Lady Gisela will be happy her husband has returned. They are truly blessed,” you said.

“Gisela is a wonderful lady and they are both happy. That is all any could wish for,” he smiled in agreement.

“Yes that is true. It breaks my heart that not all get to marry for love. Should I ever be lucky enough to secure a husband, I hope he is kind.”

Osferth paused for a moment and looked deep in thought, conflicted almost.

“Any man would be lucky to have you and if anyone treats you with anything less than kindness, I will be sure to handle it myself,” he said. His words surprised you but also made your stomach flip.

You were fond of Osferth and knew he was a good man. But he was a warrior and you were not sure where he stood on the matter of taking a wife.

You finished your supper in silence before returning to your room. The two of you stood awkwardly, looking at the one bed.

“I will sleep on the floor.”

“No, we can share. It is big enough for two,” you said quietly.

“Lady, I’m not sure if that is a good idea,” he said. You feared you had offended him in some manner but waited for him to explain. “It’s just… you are… beautiful. And- it would not be appropriate for me to lie with you- sleep with you- sleep next to you!” He stuttered. You tried your best to hold back a laugh.

“So you cannot sleep in the bed because I’m…beautiful?” You tried your best to stay composed as the reddening monk but a small smile slipped through.

“For my own sanity, lady, I think it is best if I sleep on the floor,” he said rather embarrassed.

“As you wish,” you said. The two of you turned around so you could undress. He made a small spot on the floor for himself while you crawled into the bed.

Every time you would fall asleep, you were startled awake by Osferth tossing and turning, groaning in discomfort.

“Please, for my sanity and my sleep, get in the bed!”

“But-“

“Now!” You shrieked. You tended to get cranky when you were tired and you were exhausted.

“Yes, lady,” he mumbled. He laid as far as possible away from you, stiff as a board.

“I will not try and steal your virtue, Osferth. You may relax.”

“It is not you I am worried about stealing virtue, but myself,” he whispered. You turned toward him with wide eyes. He turned toward you as well and you just stared at one another for a moment.

“I must admit, since I met you my thoughts have been at war in my head. I wish my thoughts to remain pure, but- I do enjoy the impure ones as well.”

“And what is the subject of these impure thoughts?” You asked, filled with hope.

“You- Naked usually,” he admitted.

“Just usually?”

“Sometimes there’s not enough time and I just have to lift your skirt and take you right then and there.”

Your breathing was as heavy as the heart beating out of your chest.

“And which do you prefer?” You asked.

“I prefer when I get to have you completely bare before me and I get to take my time worshipping your body.”

Without another word you closed the distance between the two of you and kissed him with such passion you didn’t know you were capable of. He wasted no time allowing his hands to roam your body and claiming your mouth with his tongue. You moved closer to him to allow him on top of you. He was already grinding against your clothed core and you could feel how hard he was.

He began to press kisses down the column of your throat, making you moan in response.

“Osferth, fuck. We can’t,” you whined. As much as you wanted to, and shit did you want to, you couldn’t.

“I’m so sorry,” he said, scrambling off of you.

“No you have nothing to be sorry for! It’s just, I’ve taken a vow of chastity until marriage, which I’m much regretting right now,” you sighed.

“I understand, lady,” he said.

“Please, just call me y/n. And just because we can’t do everything doesn’t mean we can’t do some things,” you hinted. His eyes were as big as saucers when he realized what you meant.

“Are you sure? Because we can stop and that’s completely fine.”

“Always a gentleman,” you chuckled. “Yes, I’m sure. If it is a means to not break my vow completely then I am sure God will overlook.”

He needed no further compelling to resume his position and the heated make out session from before. His hand slid between your legs and cupped your center, making you jolt against him. He continued to rut into your leg as he slipped beneath your night dress and undergarments.

He moaned when he felt how wet you were and all for him. He slid his fingers between your folds and you were already trembling beneath him. He circled your clit slowly, building up the speed until you were moaning loudly.

“Where did you learn to be so good at this?” You asked breathlessly.

“Hanging around Uhtred and the others has its perks,” he smirked. “I hope this will please you without having to even enter you.”

“Oh it is pleasurable, but one finger might not hurt,” you whimpered pathetically. You wanted him so badly you were a hairs-width away from breaking your vow.

“No, y/n, this will have to do for now,” he chuckled.

“Will you make me beg, Osferth?”

“I would, lady, yes. Perhaps another time though.”

He sped up his ministrations on your clit and you threw your head back into the pillow. He took the opportunity to nip at your exposed neck. You encouraged him further and he began to leave love bites along your soft skin.

You felt a knot begin to form in your stomach and you began to thrust your hips to meet his fingers where you needed them most. He could tell you were close so he became focused on pushing you over the edge.

He was still humping your thigh and his moans were becoming louder which was enough to ignite the spark that sent your body ablaze. You screaming out his name triggered his own orgasm, which surprised you both but you found it incredibly attractive.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” he groaned.

“Don’t be,” you said before pulling him into a searing kiss.

“Let’s clean up and then we can sleep,” he said softly. You nodded in agreement and made your way to the water basin.

You slept wonderfully that night and that is how the evenings continued for the next week or so.

The first time he used his mouth on you you swore you saw heaven. You returned the favor of course and Osferth decided if it was going to send him to hell then it was worth it.

It wasn’t just sex though, there were feelings there. He was gentle and loving all while making sure to protect you from any angry Mercians.

Aethelred already word that the princess sacrificed herself to save you and that did not sit well with many. Osferth comforted you and told you that not only were you worth saving but that everyone else could be damned for thinking otherwise.

Uhtred and his warriors arrived in Winchester with news of the princess. He went straight to the palace while Finan and Sihtric went to find Osferth.

“Baby monk!!” Finan shouted as soon as he laid eyes on him at the ale house. Osferth immediately stood and welcomed both men with a hug.

“Lady,” Sihtric said, bowing his head.

“Oh come here!” Finan yelled as he pulled you into his arms. “Thank ya for keeping my baby monk safe in our absence.”

“It was no trouble at all,” you laughed. “I will go get you both some ale.”

“So is she your wife yet?” Finan asked. Osferth choked on his spit at his friends words.

“No! Why would you ask that?”

“We know how ya feel for her,” he chuckled.

“It does look like he has some repenting to do though.” Sihtric smirked as he pulled down the collar of his robe, exposing the marks you had left on him the night previous.

Sihtric and Finan howled as Osferth glowed red. You came back over with a jug of ale and two cups, a smile gracing your face.

“What’s so funny?” You asked.

“I see it’ll be a confessional for two,” Finan added, pointing to your neck. Instead of hiding from the teasing, you placed a kiss on Osferth’s cheek.

“We will confess when we’re done doing all that needs repenting,” you told them. Their eyes all went wide and it was your turn to smirk. You sauntered off to your room and left the men to catch up.

“Good thing ya left her in one piece- I don’t think that’s what Uhtred had in mind when he said protect her,” Finan chuckled.

“It’s not what you think,” Osferth rolled his eyes.

“So make her your wife and make it what we think,” Sihtric told him.

“Uhtred would not permit me to marry.”

“Why not? She is a nice girl and we like her. She’s good for ya,” Finan replied.

Osferth considered his friends’ words. He cared for you, loved you even, but would you feel the same?

Uhtred eventually joined and filled them in on the plan. They were to travel north to negotiate for Aethelflaed’s safe return.

“How is your lady holding up?” Uhtred asked Osferth.

“M-my lady, lord?” Uhtred and the others chuckled.

“He wants permission to marry her, lord,” Finan said. Osferth could not believe the audacity of his friend, well, maybe he could.

“So she is well then?” Uhtred laughed.

“She is, lord. And I would like permission for when the time comes.”

“Permission granted, Osferth.”

He couldn’t help the giddy feeling that bubbled up inside of him, but also the nerves.

“Come, let us drink our fill. The ale in the north isn’t nearly as good,” Sihtric said.

The men were fairly drunk by the time Osferth found his way to your room. You had fallen asleep but woke up when you heard him stumble into the room. You watched in amusement as he stumbled around trying to undress himself.

“Well hello there,” he said when he finally laid eyes on you.

“Hello, Osferth,” you replied. You pulled back the sheets for him so he could come to bed.

“Don’t mind if I do.”

He flopped onto the bed and it took some adjusting to try and get him comfortable.

“You will not have a good day tomorrow,” you said.

“Yes I will, because I get to marry you,” he said before drifting off into a heavy slumber. You, however, could not find sleep over the words he just said.

What did he mean he gets to marry you? You never agreed to such a union, although you would not protest. You would also both need your lord and lady’s permission before anything moved forward and your lady was a bit preoccupied at the moment.

The next morning, you waited to see if he would say anything. However, the only sounds emitted from him were groans when the light seeped through the window.

“Good morning, love,” you laughed.

“Is it?” He grumbled.

“Yes, I believe it is.”

“Go on ahead to breakfast, I’ll catch up,” he groaned. You pressed a kiss to his forehead before going to find food.

“Lady! Join us!” Finan smiled as soon as he saw you. You sat at the table happily and picked at some food.

“We leave tomorrow morning for the north,” Uhtred informed you.

“All of you?”

“Yes, all of us,” he said with a sad smile.

“We will all return to you in one piece,” Finan joked.

“You better,” you tried your best to smile.

“You will be going to stay with Thyra until we return. You will be safe with her,” Sihtric said.

“Perhaps you should go spend the day with your man; remind him what he’s fighting to come back to,” Finan said with a smirk.

“I think I’ll do just that,” you sighed, filling a plate to bring back with you.

You spent the day with Osferth, nursing him until the hangover passed.

You wanted to give him all of you, but you simply could not. You wanted to ask what he meant by what he said last night, but could not find the words in case he would regret what he said.

The next morning, you saw him out to the stables where the men were readying their horses.

“Promise you will return to me,” you said softly.

“I swear, my love, if you will make a promise in return.”

“Anything, Osferth.”

“Marry me.”

Your heart was racing as you processed his words.

“I- yes I will marry you,” you said, jumping into his arms. His friends all watched on in amusement and happiness.

“We will discuss it further when I return,” he said, unable to contain his smile. Thyra came and found you to bring you back to her house. You waved the men off and you couldn’t contain your excitement for their return.

All you had to do was get the Lady Aethelflaed’s permission. She was always so kind to you and you cared for her deeply, you were sure she would grant you permission once she was recovered.

The time passed slowly, but you found that Thyra was great company to keep. You waited for word of your lady’s recovery but you could tell there was unrest in the city.

Uhtred had sent a messenger back to the city to explain to Alfred the cost to buy back his daughter.

All of Wessex and Mercia was to help pay the ransom but what they did not know was that the princess had no plans to return south.

Osferth had sent a message of his own, alerting you to your lady’s plan and reassuring you that he was safe. You burned the letter as soon as you read it.

You wanted Aethelflaed to be happy and if this Northman was capable of doing that then blessings to her.

More time passed and men marched from the city. You became anxious and prayed every night that everyone you cared for would be safe.

You found yourself at the secluded lake one day, washing and enjoying the nice weather. You were lost in your thoughts and didn’t hear the person walking along the banking.

“What a sight for sore eyes.”

You whipped around in the water, clutching your chest.

“Osferth!”

You swam to the shore as quick as possible and ran into his arms, not caring you were wet and naked.

“If I’m welcomed back this way every time, perhaps I should leave more often,” he smirked.

“You should not,” you laughed, pulling him in for a kiss.

“As much as I’m enjoying this, perhaps we should get you dressed and back to town.”

“Yes- wait! What of Lady Aethelflaed?”

“She is back safe. The Northman did not make it. I will tell you everything later, I swear.”

He helped you get dressed and you made your way back to town. You greeted your friends who were already drinking the ale house owner out of house and home.

“I’m so glad to see all of you!”

“As we are to see you, lady,” Uhtred smiled.

“Aethelflaed is spending time with her family I’m guessing?”

“She is. I would give her a few days to settle in before going to the palace. Her husband is not in the best mood despite having his wife back,” Uhtred grunted. You rolled your eyes and sighed.

“Yes, he is a bit of an arse,” you mumbled.

“Just a bit?” Sihtric scoffed.

“Perhaps more than,” you laughed.

“Well luckily for you, your husband will be a kind man,” Osferth smiled. You pressed a sweet kiss to his lips while the other men pretended to vomit.

You gave the princess a week to recover with her loved ones before approaching her. She pulled you into a tight embrace and apologized for any terrible things her husband may have said.

“I am used to your husbands sharp tongue, lady. And I’d rather it be directed at me than you,” you said softly.

“You are too kind, y/n,” she replied.

“Speaking of husbands…I wanted to ask you something, lady.”

“Of course. You may ask me anything,” she said.

“I have had a marriage proposal and wanted to seek your permission.”

She grabbed your hand in hers with a huge smile on her face.

“Oh that is wonderful news! Who is it?” She asked.

“Osferth. Uhtred has already given his permission.”

Aethelflaed’s smile slowly fell as she considered your words.

“I am afraid I cannot allow that.” She said sternly. Your heart fell into your stomach.

“May I ask why not?”

“He is my father’s bastard and any children you may bare could lay claim to the throne in the future. I cannot permit such a thing to happen,” she said coolly.

“So you would deny me happiness due to the risk to your family? A risk that would not even occur!”

“You could not ensure that,” she snapped.

“But I could! He will have children of his own some day whether it be with me or another. Wouldn’t you rather it be with someone you are close to and would be on your side in the matter?” You tried reasoning.

“I have given my answer. Besides, I need you now more than ever,” she said in hushed tones, cradling her stomach.

“I did not put that babe in you so why should I have to care for it? And I’m guessing it wasn’t your husband who did either,” you said.

You knew your words would cut deep but you did not care. She had just robbed you of your happiness for her own selfish reasons.

“You will go to my chambers and pack my things. We leave first thing tomorrow. I order you to stay away from Osferth and any of Uhtred’s men.”

You said nothing as you turned on your heel and left the room. You could not believe her. You wanted to run to Osferth but you knew she could have you seized for disobeying her.

You rounded the final corner to the chambers and ran into Father Beocca.

“Child, what’s wrong?” He asked, noticing the tears on your cheeks.

“Lady Aethelflaed will not allow Osferth and I to marry for fear of our children trying to stake a claim to the throne,” you sobbed.

“That is absurd! I will speak to Uhtred and she will be reasoned with,” he reassured you.

You packed the princess’s belongings rather quickly in hopes of sneaking out to find Osferth. As if reading your mind, you heard a knock on the chamber door.

“Y/N?”

“Osferth?” You asked quietly. You met him in the hall and found an empty room where you could speak in private.

“You have heard the news?” You asked sadly.

“I have and I have more,” he sighed. “Uhtred went to speak with your lady but she is not having it. I gave her my word that any children we have would not be a threat to the crown but it was not enough.”

“I am so sorry, my love,” you cried. He pulled you into his arms and held you as you cried. He kissed you like it was his dying wish to feel your lips on his one last time.

“Time to retire,” you heard Aethelflaed call from outside the door. “Say your goodbyes.”

“I will see you again, my love,” he whispered.

You could do nothing but nod sadly, parting from him with one last kiss.

The next day you journeyed back to Mercia with the Lady Aethelflaed and her men. You did not speak to her and she did not speak to you other than what was necessary.

That is how it continued for weeks on end. You were miserable and as much as she tried to reason with you, you refused to listen. The weeks turned into months and slowly life returned to as close to normal as it would.

Your lady swelled with the child and when she was born, you were torn between joy and pain. You were happy for her, for her healthy baby made from love, but you resented her from tearing the same opportunity from you.

4 years later…

“Men! There are men in the kitchen!” One of the nuns shrieked.

“Bar the door!” Aethelflaed yelled.

You hid yourself in a corner while everyone was quiet.

“Is it Danes?” Someone asked.

“What if I am Saxon by birth but Dane by heart?” Uhtred called from above.

“Uhtred? You came!” Aethelflaed sighed in relief. “Open the door.”

The nuns opened the door and the rest of Uhtred’s men, including your beloved Osferth. Your heart nearly stopped in your chest when you laid eyes on him for the first time in years. He hadn’t noticed you yet and you let yourself drink him in.

He looked like your same, sweet Osferth, but more of a man. His jaw was sharper and he looked more muscular than you remembered.

As much as you enjoyed admiring him, you couldn’t help but wonder if he had found another to marry. He was handsome and a fierce warrior, you were sure he caught the attention of many ladies.

“Would you please helps the nuns in the kitchen please, y/n?” Aethelflaed asked you. Osferth’s eyes darted to yours and it looked like he had seen a ghost.

“Yes, lady,” you mumbled as you joined the other women in the kitchen.

Osferth wanted to follow, but he knew he shouldn’t. He had missed you greatly but he knew if he held you in his arms once more that he wouldn’t be able to let go.

Aethelflaed kept you busy while the men were there to keep you distracted from Osferth. It wasn’t an easy task but you managed to avoid him other than at meal times.

One morning, you were all eating breakfast when you heard a scream outside and nuns came running into the hall.

“Danes! Outside and they have hostages!” The abbess shrieked. “They’ve asked for the Lady Aethelflaed.”

“You must go and speak to them, tell them she is not here,” Uhtred told her.

“I cannot!”

“You must, even if it is only to buy us time to make a plan.”

“I will do it,” you offered.

“No!” Osferth argued.

“I will go,” the abbess said, taking your hand in hers. “It is my responsibility.”

The door was barred shut behind her as Uhtred and Aethelflaed watched from the window. You found yourself mindlessly gravitating toward Osferth until your side was pressed to his.

Finan and Uhtred discussed a plan forward when you heard the abbess scream outside. She was dead. And you feared that you were all next.

“Ladies, to the back. We will handle this,” Finan said, ushering you and the nuns to the back of the hall. Osferth gave you a small nod before readying himself with the other men behind the door.

The action broke out before you could even register it. You did your best to remain calm while you watched the battle in the hall before you. Uhtred seemed to have the advantage but a few Danes managed to slip by them.

“Hello, ladies!” They laughed menacingly.

“Leave them!” You yelled, standing in front of the nuns with your sword drawn.

“I like them feisty,” one chuckled. The other easily knocked your sword from your hand and grabbed you. You thrashed against him but it was no use as he overpowered you.

“Come men! Outside!” Haesten yelled. You were dragged toward the door but before the men could get any further, the one that was holding you suddenly released his grip.

He fell to the floor in pain while the other tried to fight his attacker. You watched Osferth fight the larger man but he eventually bested him and drove his sword through the Dane’s heart.

He swept you into his arms and held you tight.

“No one will take you from me again,” he sighed.

Uhtred drove the remaining Danes from the nunnery but you knew that was not the last you’d be seeing of them.

“We must travel to Aegelesburg, to tell my husband and father of what has happened here,” Aethelflaed informed everyone.

“We will accompany you,” Uhtred said. You glanced at Osferth who offered you a shy smile.

The journey was not too long and it was no surprise you were met with resistance at the gates.

“You are welcome, lady. But the outlaws must remain outside the hall,” Steapa told you all.

“Y/N, please secure food and ale for these men in my absence,” she told you. So off you went in search of provisions for the warriors.

“Lady, wait for me!” Osferth called after you.

“I thought I told you not to call me that,” you joked.

“Well those were different times,” he sighed.

“Yes, I suppose they were. Perhaps you should call me lady out of respect for whoever you’ve chosen to take as your wife.”

You entered a storage shed where you knew they always kept an extra supply of food and ale.

“I have no wife, lady. I could never,” he said quietly. You turned to face him and you could see the sadness in his eyes.

“Surely there have been others?”

“I could never,” he repeated.

Against all reason, you flung yourself into his arms and pulled him into a kiss. You tried to pour every ounce of emotion you had been feeling for the last few years into the kiss so he would understand how much you had missed him.

He had you pinned against the counter as he allowed his hands to re-familiarize themselves with your body. His tongue fought for dominance with yours and you could not control the moans of contentment that were spilling from you. Your body was on fire and you wanted nothing more than for him to take you right there.

“Osferth, my love, please. Please, I need more,” you whined.

“We cannot, not here.”

“Then take me elsewhere, anywhere,” you begged.

“As much as I would love to ravage you right now, you know it would not be right.”

His words caused frustration to bubble up inside of you and for a damn to break.

“I am sick and tired of people telling me what is wrong and what is right! I am tired of people telling me no and controlling my life, denying me happiness and what I want!” You snapped.

Osferth was surprised by your outburst but he understood. He often felt anger whenever he thought on the situation and of how it was unfair.

“It was your wish to remain chaste until marriage and you know we cannot,” he said.

“Well then I take back my oath. I will never marry if it is not to you and therefore give you permission to ravage me,” you said defiantly.

“Are you certain, my love?” He asked.

“Please do not make me beg,” you whined.

“I did tell you perhaps another time,” he chuckled. “Tonight then. Because our first time will not be in a storage shed in the open.”

“Tonight it is.”

You couldn’t help the smile that enveloped your face. The two of you sorted yourselves out and grabbed some food and ale to bring to your friends.

“Jesus! We thought we were gonna starve!” Finan yelled when he finally laid eyes on the two of you.

“Yes, you look as though you’re withering away,” you joked.

“We are!” Sihtric argued.

You set the food down before them and joined them, sitting next to Osferth. He kept a hand on your leg at all times which did not help the growing fire in your belly. Tonight could not come soon enough.

Uhtred was eventually allowed into the hall to speak with Edward and Alfred. The men were finally full and content, allowing you and Osferth time to sneak away.

“You are still certain you wish to do this?” He asked.

“Do you not wish to bed me, Osferth?”

“I do! I do, I just wanted to make sure.”

“Well I am sure, and I thank you for asking,” you said.

You silently led him to your chambers and closed the door securely behind you. Neither of you moved for a moment and all of a sudden you both burst into a fit of giggles.

“It is not like we have not done anything before,” you laughed, finally breaking the tension.

“I know but it has been so long and I get to have all of you now,” he said, stalking toward you.

His nimble fingers unbuttoned your dress, and you allowed him to pull it from your figure. You helped him with your undergarments while he rid himself of his own clothes. You took a moment to drink each other in before your hands were grabbing at anything they could touch, tongues entwined once more.

He guided you to your bed where you landed softly on the furs. Your legs fell open naturally, welcoming him between them. His nose grazed your inner thigh while you waited for him to act.

“I have missed this,” he sighed before diving into your cunt.

He licked a fat strip between your folds before settling on your clit. You had been untouched for so long that every ministration sent shockwaves through your body.

“Fingers, I need your fingers, Osferth,” you moaned.

“No, nothing shall enter you before my cock. After that, my love, I shall give you whatever you want,” he said.

He licked and sucked until you were mere moments away from the edge. You did your best to be quiet but it was difficult with the gorgeous man with his head between your thighs.

“Osferth, I am close!”

He focused on the spot he knew was sure to send you into your bliss. You thought about what was to come next, having him inside of you, and that was enough to throw you over the edge.

Your body writhed on the bed but he held your hips down while he lapped at your soaking cunt.

“I need you, please,” you begged.

He crawled his way up your body and kissed you, allowing you to taste yourself on his tongue. You could feel his cock poking your entrance and it caused your heart to race.

He slid it through your slick folds a few times before slowly sinking into you. He went slowly, trying to allow you time to adjust. He knew he would not last long either so he wanted to savor the feeling for as long as he could.

“You feel amazing,” he grunted, finally fully sheathed inside you.

“I must have died and gone to heaven,” you sighed happily.

He began to pull out gently before rocking back into you. The more you grew accustomed to his size, the faster he began to thrust.

He hid his face in the crook of your neck, trying to hold on as long as possible. Your walls fluttering around him were torture as he didn’t want it to end.

“I am afraid you feel too good wrapped around my cock,” he groaned.

“Cum, Osferth. Let me feel you,” you told him.

A few more thrusts of his hips and he was emptying inside of you. Your name fell from his lips like it was the only prayer he knew.

His hand slid between the two of you and found your clit. He rubbed you slowly, still fully seated within you.

He felt you clench around him and he knew you were close. He sang sweet praises in your ear until your back was arching off the bed and you were cumming for the second time. If he was not already so spent from the first time, he would have begun fucking you again. But to feel your sweet cunt swallowing him up as you came was satisfaction enough for now.

He cleaned you off as best he could before joining you in bed. You pulled the furs over the two of you and laid on his chest.

“What are we to do, Osferth?” You asked sadly.

“Sleep?”

“No, silly. I cannot go years without seeing you again- without touching you.”

“Do you think your lady may be persuaded now that time has passed?”

“I doubt it. Perhaps I could just run off with you…but she would know who to find me with,” you sighed.

“We will find a way. I swear it,” he told you.

Days had passed and the leaders prepared their armies for battle. You did not want to let Osferth go but you knew he would be returned to you safely. Victory always favored Uhtred and his men.

A year or so later…

“Beg me, my love. Beg me to fill you with my seed and you will have it,” Osferth whispered into your ear. He pounded into you as you could barely register what he was saying.

“Please! Please, fill me. I need you, my love,” you cried.

Your vision went white as your orgasm crashed over you, his hips still slamming into you. Your nails dragged down his back, causing him to lose his rhythm and spill into you.

The two of you had spent the better part of the last year speaking behind Aethelflaed’s back. You considered getting married in secret but Osferth said you deserved better than that.

Change was coming, you could feel it. So you tried to enjoy your lover for as long as you could.

“Aye! If you two are done in there, we need to get going!” Finan yelled.

“Be there in a minute!” Osferth yelled, rolling his eyes. “My apologies, my love.”

“I understand you must go. Battle awaits,” you sighed.

The Danes had sacked Mercia while Aethelred played king in East Anglia. The hope was to best them in Tettenhall, luring C’nut there through his sons, who he thought to be slaughtered.

“I will return to you, as I always do,” he smiled.

Waiting to hear word of either victory or defeat was always a challenge. Losing Osferth before you even really had the chance to live a life with him would surely be your undoing.

A weeks time had passed while you busied yourself around Aegelsburg. Your heart dropped into your stomach when you heard the call for the gate to be opened. Men rushed in with a body on a cart. It was not your Osferth, but Aethelred.

The lord had been injured in battle and you wished you could say you felt sorry for him. His treatment of his wife, and any other woman really, did not allow for such kindness.

Aethelflaed and Edward began preparation for a new lord to be chosen should her husband perish.

Aelfywnn was an obvious path but that was not suitable for she was just a child. Many of the young men of prominence in Mercia had been slaughtered by the Danes.

Unbeknownst to Aethelflaed, Edward went behind her back and sought out Uhtred. Uhtred was popular with the people and Edward felt he could be inclined to follow Wessex.

Aethelflaed objected, of course. Her love for Uhtred did not outweigh her duty to her country. He was not the right choice, she felt, but then men could not be dissuaded. Uhtred’s men were over the moon, thankful to finally have some wealth and power.

“Uhtred, do you swear to lead Mercia on a path that is righteous and beneficial to all Mercians?” Ludeca asked.

“I swear.”

“Does the wittan agree to appoint Uhtred the next Lord of Mercia?”

“Aye! Aye! Aye!”

Aethelflaed watched on in discontent.

“Then Uhtred, we hereby proclaim you Lord of Mercia! You may take your throne!”

Uhtred stood before the Wittan with a sly smile on his face.

“I am grateful for this opportunity to rule over Mercia. However, I do not feel like I am the best choice. There is someone who will put this land above all else and that is the leader Mercia deserves! So my first act as Lord of Mercia is to relinquish the throne in favor of the Lady Aethelflaed.”

Gasps erupted around the room and Edward was furious. The princess was as shocked as anyone else.

“A woman cannot sit on the throne! What if she chooses to remarry? That man would be the new lord therefore bypassing the Wittan,” someone argued.

“If it pleases the Wittan, I will swear an oath to remain chaste so long as I sit on the Mercian throne.” Aethelflaed offered.

“You will also swear one thing to me,” Uhtred said.

“What is it?” She asked.

“I will relinquish the throne to you if you swear to allow y/n to marry Osferth. End their suffering and allow them to be wed. There will be no threat,” he whispered.

“That is what you require? Not land nor silver?”

“Everyone deserves happiness and they have been denied long enough. Plus I am tired of them sneaking around,” he chuckled.

“Fine. I swear to you, Uhtred, I shall allow them to marry. And I swear before the Wittan that I will remain chaste as Lady of Mercia!”

“Then it is settled. Lady Aethelflaed, take your throne!”

Meanwhile, the men were celebrating in the ale house unaware of what was occurring. You took the time enjoy everyone’s company, certain you would have to leave with the princess some time soon. You doubted she would stay in Aegelesburg and were certain she would take you with her.

“Men, lady,” Uhtred said as he walked through the door.

“The Lord of Mercia visiting an ale house? How scandalous!” Finan laughed.

“I was lord for all of five minutes,” he chuckled. “I gave up the throne in favor of Lady Aethelflaed.”

“You did?” You gasped.

“I did- but not before some oaths were made.” The smile on his face was cunning, that of a cat who swallowed a canary.

“Care to share those oaths, lord?” Osferth asked.

“Firstly, the Lady of Mercia will remain chaste as long as she sits on the throne,” he said.

You knew how upset that must have made him; his love for your lady was no secret.

“Secondly, a marriage has been arranged.”

“Who is it, lord?” Sihtric asked.

“We have a wedding to plan, boys,” Uhtred chuckled.

“Lord?”

“If y/n still wishes to be married to the baby monk, that is.”

“That is not a funny joke, Lord Uhtred,” you said, the nerves evident in your voice.

For so long you wished to hear those words but now that you had, you couldn’t allow yourself to believe them to be true.

“It is no joke, Lady. I told Aethelflaed that if she wanted the throne, she needed to let the two of you wed. So you have our permissions.”

“This is true, lord?” Osferth asked, standing in excitement.

“Is it true? How many times do I have to repeat myself? It is true!”

“Let us find Father Pyrlig! We shall marry at once!” Osferth pulled you into his arms as you cried in happiness.

“Father Pyrlig may need a few minutes,” you heard someone groan from behind you.

You all turned to see Father Pyrlig laying on the table surrounded by empty cups of ale.

“We shall marry tomorrow then!” Osferth laughed. Your friends cheered for you as you clung to the man you loved most.

God had blessed you at last and you hoped for that favor to continue in your marriage as you hoped to one day have a family with Osferth- in a small home with the safety of your already made family surrounding you.

——————————————————

The Last Kingdom Taglist: @cornervase @camillabrady @mdawgs01 @moldy-khunt @stray-bi-kids @emilyhufflepufftlk @solinarimoon @chainsawsangel

Taglist: @cornervase @camillabrady @moldy-khunt @stray-bi-kids @emilyhufflepufftlk @solinarimoon @chainsawsangel

Taglist: @cornervase @camillabrady @moldy-khunt @stray-bi-kids @emilyhufflepufftlk @solinarimoon @chainsawsangel

Taglist: @cornervase @camillabrady  @moldy-khunt @stray-bi-kids @emilyhufflepufftlk @solinarimoon @chainsawsangel

Taglist:

[strawglicks]

something i really wanna see explored more in TTCC lore overtime is how Cogs. Inc affects the cogs themselves. the individual workers and the company are not one in the same, and i think thats smth that never gets discussed.

while i think the toons are obviously in the right for protecting their lands, i think there are many cases in some of the individual managers where it is clear that this is not a black and white, good and evil issue.

Misty is probably the most obvious case here, being that they dont even have any desire to fight the toons and instead wants to be friends with them. Misty is probably one of the most controversial characters due to this, being that fandom looooves to take morally grey/complex characters and devolve them to either "perfect innocent wittle angel" or "demonic demon from hell", completely erasing the original character's complexities and flaws. the things that makes them..them. the things that make them interesting. and it sucks to watch ppl erase characters like this. (I could do a full analysis on her and probably will but it would be some time i have to refresh myself a bit on her)

That "good vs evil" view that toontown originally built itself on was challenged by TTCC's manager cogs when they were given more depth. and a lot of people who loveee to see things in black and white dont like characters such as misty challenging their point of view. and its saddening.

i personally love to see this built and expanded upon. i LOVE that TTCC focuses on the individual cogs and makes them. well. individuals. rather than focusing on the big bad company as a whole. theres no doubt Cogs Inc is terrible. so imagine how terrible it is for the workers serving said company.

"they applied for the position" yea so like theres a fancy thing called rent. in a world of capitalism like this, cogs need jobs and money to support themselves. (some proof of this being an issue for the cogs is graham freaking out at the end of MOTM when his chances of getting the job are threatened and he says his "life is in jeopardy". NO ONE talks abt this btw.) i think once again this excuse drives from people focusing on the big bad company rather than the individuals. so lets talk about the individuals.

Mary Anna. She applied for the position because she believes toons are the issue, they are the ones polluting the waters and environment, and she has good intentions joining this company and trying to put a stop to them. How he came to this conclusion is unknown, but does Cogs Inc give a shit? No. they care abt hiring employees so they can make money and function as a business. so, knowing mary is wrong, they do nothing to change it and simply use her beliefs to their advantage to keep her hired and doing her job.

You know whats funny? Most of the fandom either flat out ignores him or makes him out to be a complete idiot for thinking toons pollute the environment. Mary may be wrong, but his intentions are proof that cogs are not just. blank slates. And people HATE thinking deeper than just black and white. So they hate cogs like Misty and Mary and put them down for challenging their view.

You could go on and on, case by case. TTCC PURPOSEFULLY builds on these characters so you AVOID that boring black and white view of "toons good, cogs bad". I think the situation is more like "toons good, Cogs Inc. bad".

Companies like this destroy both outsiders and the people within the company. And so far, TTCC has done a good job displaying that. and people choose to ignore it. and it saddens me.

[nothorses]

So have you ever like. Talked to people that were homeschooled? Or did you just read one story online about a cult homeschooling their kids and went "fuck this is awful public school is so much better"?

I was homeschooled until 5th grade and then sent to public school. I lasted until 7th grade before I had to fucking beg my parents to homeschool me again. I was literally waking up for school in the mornings and immediately having a mental breakdown. I was constantly trying to fake being sick so I didn't have to go.

Homeschooling was SO much fucking better. I didn't have to sleep in jeans and a bra and t-shirt so that I was already dressed when I woke up, just so I had time to eat a small bowl of cereal before being forced to leave.

I didn't have to worry about classmates making fun of me behind my back, or my "friends" insulting me or going out of their way to embarass me in front of my crushes.

I didn't have to worry about having a cold or the flu or my period and being forced to go to school and be miserable all day covered in blood and snot.

I didn't have to worry about being given lunch detention because I forgot one book (probably because I have memory issues from severe ADHD)

I didn't have to worry about being overwhelmed with homework. I didn't have to worry about my teachers or classmates making me feel like a fucking idiot because I couldn't do math (wow turns out I have a severe learning disability that somehow no one noticed).

I didn't have to worry about being forced to run the pacer test in gym and not being allowed to rest, resulting in me throwing up.

You can't tell people "omg just because YOU had a bad time in school doesn't mean you're allowed to dislike it!!! Not all public school is bad!"

and then turn around and go "Homeschooling is awful it's just a bunch of religious bigot cultists teaching their children how to be bigots and children never getting to go out and socialize with their peers!!!"

All I learned from public school was:

Keep my fucking mouth shut, do not speak unless spoken to

Don't do anything "weird" or "different" (AKA show signs of having autism)

If you don't stay in school and go to college (AKA put yourself in thousands of dollars of debt in exchange for a piece of paper that doesn't actually guarantee you a job) then you'll die in a ditch somewhere

Don't even bother trying to make friends, they'll just treat you like shit

I was never taught anything useful that I couldn't have just learned by myself at home. I was never taught how to pay bills or what a mortgage is or how to grow my own food or raise my own animals for meat or how credit cards work or how to take care of myself after my parents die.

Public school is there to terrorize children and destroy them mentally until they conform to what society wants, so that they become the perfect unquestioning unthinking cogs in the machine that will work until they die.

It's there to make money for colleges because kids are never taught about trade jobs or making their own businesses/companies, they're taught that college is the be all end all and if you don't go there (and give them your time and money) then you'll become homeless and die.

It doesn't teach you how to think for yourself, it teaches you to shut the fuck up and obey or be punished.

I'm sorry you had that experience with public school, genuinely- and I know you aren't the only one, and this is honestly something I feel really passionate about. Like, actually; a big motivator for getting my Master's in Ed- and likely my Ph.D in Ed after this- has been that it positions me to get involved in a way that I can make larger changes than most classroom teachers might be able to influence.

I'm also really glad that homeschool was a positive thing for you! And I don't believe in outlawing homeschool or anything either; I do think it needs more regulation and resources, and I think there needs to be a wider array of options overall, but like. Given how education has historically been weaponized against indigenous communities to carry out cultural genocide (in the form of boarding schools), I think any laws against homeschooling would just end up repeating that same history.

But like, you can't ignore that homeschool has absolutely been used as a tool of abuse, too. And you can't ignore that abusive families and home environments exist, and you can't just... refuse to acknowledge the push from the conservative right to de-regulate homeschooling & break down public ed in order to further empower them to isolate and brainwash kids.

Hell, you wanna talk about how kids are taught to stop thinking, stop talking, and follow orders? Take a little day trip to a fundamentalist homeschooling network sometime.

You talk about public ed like it's this homogeneously evil entity designed for, and only capable of, abusing kids. But you wanna know what?

My family is abusive! My upbringing was abusive!

And sure, there's a chance they may have been able to pay for private school or something if public school had not been an option- for a few years, anyway. But that's because my grandparents have money, and because my mom was just neglectful enough to want me out of her hair.

I went to three elementary schools, two middle schools, and four high schools. All of those were public schools. Some of them sucked more than others, but all of them offered me:

An escape from home that I needed so desperately that, for a long time, I extended by hiding out at the public library for an extra 3+ hours.

Reliable lunches, even when my mom wouldn't pay for them.

Adults that I could trust, and did trust.

Adult role models and examples of a better future, especially in the queer adults that taught me.

Social connections, one of which was with a current roommate and my best friend.

Directly applicable knowledge and skills: cooking, online research and internet safety, everything I know about safe sex, finances, how to do my taxes, basic governmental structure, local, national, and world history, basic court proceedings, how to navigate colleges/university, (some) critical literacy & critical thinking skills, social-emotional learning, (some) critical race theory...

An array of options for different paths into an adult career: understanding (some) options like trade schools, community college, university, and the military (gross), and why I might choose one of those options vs. going straight into work.

Examples of and exposure to different & diverse ways of being, from home lives, to cultures, to queerness, to experiences I would never have firsthand.

Like, I have definitely grown up in pretty progressive areas & school districts, and that's a big part of it (though the conservative-leaning school I went to was also the school where my creative writing teacher read us a short story that he wrote about some gay star-crossed truckers).

These schools exist, and these experiences exist, and it's silly to dismiss them out of hand because your one stint into public school once was a nightmare.

And it's worse to dismiss the resource that these places are to so many families & kids. It's free childcare, it's one sure meal every day, it's community, it's exposure to diversity.

The practical alternative to that, for a lot of poor families, is child labor.

You don't have to like public education. I certainly have mixed feelings on it, and understanding & addressing the deep-seated problems in it are, like, the cornerstone of my life's work at this point.

What you should do, imo, is learn to recognize when you might not have all the context and information you need to make a judgement call like "destroy public education forever", look around at the people saying what you're saying & why they might be saying it, and perhaps consider listening to the people who have already been doing the work you've assumed is impossible.

[tokuvivor]

"You're important to me, you little shit" for Lena and Webby for platonic sentence starter?

Ooooooooooh, yes!!! I’ve never written anything exclusively revolving around them, so this’ll be fun.

I give you…

Out from the Shadows

Originated from this post.

“So you’re telling me,” questioned Webby, “that you were my shadow the entire time and I didn’t even know?”

“Pretty much, yeah,” Lena replied.

It had been about a week since Webby and Violet had brought Lena back from the Shadow Realm, and Webby and Lena had finally found time to discuss all that happened between the Shadow War and that point.

“I…honestly thought Magica had destroyed you,” Webby quietly admitted.

“Me? Destroyed? Nah, I simply just became your shadow,” Lena answered back. “Like I said, to make sure you were alright.”

“Awwww,” Webby cooed. “Still sweet, no matter how much you remind me.”

Lena chuckled softly. “Anyway,” she continued, “I appreciate how much research you were doing in order to try and get me back. But honestly, Pink, going downtown to the library so often got kinda old after so long.”

“Really?” Webby asked. “I’m sorry.”

“No,” Lena said firmly. “Don’t apologize. You were doing whatever it took to figure out how to get me back.”

Webby nodded.

“By the last time you went downtown for research, you know, the one where you met Vi, I basically had the whole routine memorized,” Lena admitted. “Taking the bus, swiping in with your card, poring over books about shadow magic for hours, rinse and repeat.”

“You…had it memorized?” Webby asked.

“Well, yeah,” Lena responded. “It’s not like I had much else to do, anyway, being stuck in the Shadow Realm.”

Webby looked at her friend curiously. “What else do you remember from when you were my shadow?” she wondered.

“I remember that game night you guys had,” Lena began. “How the heck did Blue not get your charade? It was so clearly McMoneybags!”

“Dewey’s…not always the best with non-verbal cues,” Webby admitted. “Also, did Dr. Gearloose’s shrink ray affect you at all?”

“I was literally shrunk down with the rest of you, and I have no stupid idea how,” Lena replied incredulously. “I’d have guessed that it would only affect the living. You know, those not literally stuck in another dimension.”

“Since you were my shadow, and I got shrunk, scientifically speaking, yeah, it makes sense that you got shrunk down, too,” Webby explained. “But I digress.”

“Ooh! That boat trip you and Green took,” Lena remembered. “That Glom-guy, though, he’s…well, something.”

“He’ll do anything to be better than Uncle Scrooge,” Webby agreed. “That’s why they’re doing this wager over their companies.”

Lena stewed for a moment.

“What?” Webby asked.

“I cannot believe the nerve of him, pulling you overboard!” Lena spat out.

“Did you go overboard, too?” Webby wondered. “Shoot, that kinda came out wrong; I’m just curious about the schematics of that, you having been my shadow and all.”

“You were still close enough to the boat that I stayed on,” Lena explained. “I was still worried, though.”

“Why?” questioned Webby. “Lena, you know me. You know just how physically adept I am, swimming included. You’ve seen me do all those casual flips and tricks. Why would you be worried when you know I can do all that?”

“Because you’re important to me, you little shit!” Lena shouted. Then she clapped a hand over her bill. “Sorry, I don’t know why that came out of me, but the point still stands. You mean a lot to me, and I don’t want you getting hurt, or even worse. Again, that was my whole reason for being your shadow in the first place.”

“First of all,” Webby responded, “you’re lucky that you just said that to me, and not Granny. Second, I appreciate it. I mean, I have enough know-how to be able to get myself out of situations (as long as they aren’t social), but for whenever I can’t do it on my own, well, I guess I had you there the whole time, looking out for me.”

“And I’m still gonna be there for you, no matter what,” Lena added. “Even though I have my body back. Whatever happens, you are not losing me.”

Webby jumped up from her bed, and Lena, anticipating her, rose to her feet as well, as the two girls collided in a hug.

“I missed your hugs,” Webby said, her voice muffled by Lena’s chest.

“I know,” Lena grinned.

[cookinguptales]

OH right, Blue Beetle!

I really enjoyed it! I've been a fan of Jaime Reyes for a long time and I honestly never believed he'd get his own movie. And?? Such a good one???

I worried going into it that he looked too cool in the trailers. Is that weird to say? I loved dorky baby teenager Jaime when I was a kid. He felt like One Of Us, y'know? And then I watched the trailers and I was like "hmmmmmm."

But even though he's a bit older in this movie and has his shit together a little more, he's still very much Jaime Reyes at heart. 💙 Love that weird little dork of a man that always means so well, even if he doesn't always know what to do. And I found myself rooting for him so hard!

The movie was overall just really charming and fun and occasionally emotionally devastating. A good mixture of action, character relationships, humor, and politics, imo. The characters were so endearing, and I'm really looking forward to seeing how things develop going forward.

A few more thoughts (with spoilers) beneath the cut.

I was actually a little surprised by how sad parts of the movie were, but it felt right, too. The heart of the movie really was the simultaneous power of familial love and horror of family separation. Family separation really seemed to affect all the characters in their own ways, whether that was due to corporate greed, politics, war, racism, or just good-old-fashioned horrific US policy.

Like... You come to realize that it really permeated every part of the movie. Alberto's devotion to his family, the years he put into bringing them all to Palmera City. The very real fear that going to the cops would invite an unfair immigration investigation into their household. Jenny losing her parents at such a young age, and the sharp divide between her and her aunt. Jaime's family loss as well. Carapax's truly fucked-up backstory. Hell, even divisions being sown between Victoria Kord and her brother when her father gave the company to Ted instead of the person who'd built it.

(Don't get me wrong, Victoria Kord was truly evil, child soldiers and all. I was not rooting for her. But lbr, that doesn't seem to be why her equally war-mongering father cut her out of the company. You have to wonder if she would have done quite so much damage in the end if she hadn't felt such a virulent need to prove herself and destroy her brother's pacifistic legacy. But! Who knows? She might have been even worse if she'd had all that power from the beginning.)

And, y'know, all of the characters deal with the horror of family separation in different ways. Carapax became weaponized by an imperialistic power that didn't give one shit about him. Victoria became embittered, violent, and downright brutal. And Jaime could have gone the same way, so furious over the loss of his own family that he gave into wanton destruction as well -- but Khaji Da didn't let him. (WAILING.) Instead, he managed to take the same route as Jenny: transmuting his rage into a need for justice, into a passion for making the world better so no one else would lose their loved ones the same way.

Y'all, I was in there crying at a superhero movie!!! IT'S FINE, I'm FINE.

I heard that the creator of the movie hadn't actually initially intended for Alberto to die (which I understand, tbh) but I did think it was really beautiful the way it was incorporated into the movie. Bringing Mexican culture to the foreground yet again in its discussions about and attitudes toward death. God, those candles were beautiful. ;;

I mean -- as someone who literally dropped all of my DC subs the day they "fixed" Oracle and never gave DC another cent until this movie came out, I really am passionate about the need for diverse heroes. Part of the reason I felt like I was getting emotional in that theater was because I remembered how much Oracle meant to me as a young disabled teen who couldn't make sense of her trauma or her disability or her inherent power. I remember how much losing the only positive role model I had devastated me.

And like... I want kids with the same background as Jaime to see themselves in him. I want them to be able to feel the way I felt back then. Honestly, that was a lot of why I finally broke my boycott. I think characters like Jaime, while brilliant in their own right, are also important, and I want to support them.

So when I realized how raucously, joyously, passionately this movie was gonna depict Latino culture and its own diversity within the US, I was thrilled! And I cried lmao.

(What can I say, I've been kind of weepy lately lmao.)

But yeah, honestly I cheered in the theater when Khaji Da switched to Spanish. I was like YEAH GIRL.

Other times I was actively fangirling in the theater:

Nana Reyes gunning down imperialists

Ted Kord reveal(s)!!!

"Batman's a fascist. Blue Beetle knew how to have fun." :')

Khaji Da stopping Jaime from killing that man

Milagro and Rudy having no such compunctions

Dr. "Sanchez" standing up for himself and his name reveal (which is a very fun easter egg for WWDITS fans, lmao. I wasn't expecting it and I had to stifle a little shout of laughter.)

Honestly, as a former DC fan I really loved how much thought and care was put into incorporating the really messy canonical history of the Scarab. Obviously they deviated from existing canon, but in ways that I thought were really fun and interesting. I'm excited to see what happens with the Kords going forward, y'know? I hope that Jenny, too, isn't cut out of her own family legacy. I'd never want to separate Khaji Da and Jaime, obviously, but there has to be something for that woman to do to follow in her father's (secret) footsteps.

I realize that this review is kind of all over the place (like my mind the past few days), but I really, really enjoyed it. I was feeling pretty out of sorts the day I saw it and it really raised my spirits a lot. It turns out that after all these years, I still really love Jaime Reyes! And I love his family! And I love Jenny, too!

even dr. de la cruz a little bit, even if he sure did take his sweet time to find a backbone

The movie was just super fun (as well as unexpectedly thought-provoking) and I really enjoyed it!

[tobiasdrake]

As long as we have all this downtime, we might as well go visit old friends.

We used to eat bits of it together.

...that's not as gross as it sounds.

Right. That. Sorry, I don't words good when I'm grieving.

This is a sacred place to the villagers here. And now it's a sacred place for us too.

Zale and I made Moraine babysit our Flasky Boy while we attend to the business of pounding on TIA's door. We would have left the hollow puppet there too but he doesn't take orders; He just follows us around mechanically. It's eerie and I'm half-convinced Resh'an did that as a practical joke.

B'st doesn't get hit by things, so much as he is given the conscious suggestion that he should behave as though he was hit by a thing. Which he ignores.

I would too.

I think he should seek out Yoyo first, personally, since she's the one who delivered the prophecy of his creation. There may be more to that prophecy.

Are they....

Is Cael going to use Kickball to rip out the Immortal Children's souls and put them in robot bodies that can leave the castle?

Because that's an awesome idea and as long as they're doing it consensually, I'm 100% onboard with it!

I don't see Watchmaker around so they might not have told her. But. Like. Who gives a shit. She wants to be imprisoned here for eternity with nothing but her work keeping her company.

They're going to make a new body for Kickball too. Might need a new name to go with it.

Everything's better here in Mirth. The air's cleaner. Water doesn't taste like rot. Food doesn't come from a wall. Also, we have a functioning ecosystem. Gotta be honest, I'm not even sure what we're breathing in the other world since the plants are all dead and the climate regulator isn't regulating climate.

We might just be. Like. Ever-so-slowly using up a large but finite supply of breathable air distributed among the few remaining organic lifeforms on the planet. That's horrifying. I'm gonna stop thinking about that now.

OH OKAY THEY'RE GOING TO BECOME A HIVEMIND AMALGAM.

You know what? That's on me. I should have known better than to leave them unsupervised. They're children.

I've got the juice if we need to Moon Shiv it again.

FROGGY. ROBOT.

...

PINK froggy robot.

I'm sorry I can't pay attention to your big prepared speech because OH MY GOD YOU'RE ADORABLE.

Does that pink gem on your chest work like a mobile eclipse cannon or is that just there for aesthetic. I love it either way.

FROGGY

Okay fine, Artificer. Legal Team says we can't call you Froggy for trademark reasons, seeing as you're very obviously a composite of two distinctly identifiable characters. Gotta keep the branding as lawyer-friendly as possible.

No, I get it. I'm happy for you. For all of you. Please don't be offended when Serai and I aggressively destroy this machine with extreme prejudice. Your froggy body is fine but this thing isn't allowed to exist.

So that's a no on the eclipse cannon functionality. You should look into upgrading. The fatal flaw that defeated the cannon before was that it was stationary.

In any case, welcome aboard, Arty. It was nice to see home again, for what time we had here. Even if I may have made a small miscalculation in my plan for how to deal with TIA.

BUT THEN WHERE THE FUCK IS HE!?!?

I'LL START BURNING THINGS, I SWEAR

Fortunately, I kept a cool head and calmly, civilly allowed myself to be dragged from the room. And now our time here is done. We return to Serai's world, armed with the greatest technology the Clockwork Castle can build.

HAHAHAHA SEVEN GREEN GEMS ASSHOLE, kneel before my Gold Engineer!

[winderlylandchime]

1/2 Finally 4x01!!! The new intro started playing and he got up so fucking fast as if he was watching a game ‘WAIT WHAT?! THIS IS DIFFERENT! OH MY GOD THIS IS COOL AS FUCK! I like this more!! *tries to sing along while not knowing the song* ..cue…BEGIN…pulse..YEAH i fuck with this. And of course the intro ends on Brian walking away. He is the moment!’ ‘Ohhhh Drag Queen moment! I fuck with this. Hi BRIAN! Look at them just hanging out in THEIR loft, damn he is broke as fuck, huh? *said in an affectionate aww type of voice* THEY ARE PARTNERS! He really hates accepting any type of help, huh? Brian maybe you should listen to your own advice from two seasons ago about a man knowing when to accept help. Wait shit, i just remembered the nothing noble about being poor thing. Well fuck Brian’ It briefly showed Mel and Linds and he was so disappointed until Britin popped up again ‘this is what I want every episode, Brian and Justin. And that’s it’ ‘I am genuinely surprised that Hunter and Mike haven’t killed each other. Proud of them’ ‘Brian having lunch with Ben and Linds AND mel? Is he okay? Aw Brian and Justin being sarcastic is one of my favorite things in the world. (Deb says Mikey and her talk 3x a day) Okay, three times a day is…yeah. I mean even I don’t..actually never mind. OH HE IS GONNA KILL EVERYONE IF THEY DONT STOP PITYING HIM. But Bri Bri you are broke as a jok- HA he is gonna steal Bald dudes clients’ ‘i like this drag queen singing in between moments. Its been a while since I went to a drag show. I wonder if they miss me back home..i mean i did tell them I was leaving but still, i hope they miss me- oh ted. I was trying to forget that horrible party-BLAKEY! I’m so happy that he’s good now. EMMETT! Im glad he came to visit but I rea- Ted what the hell is wrong with you? He didn’t do shit wrong to you, why are you being bitchy? No Emy no, blakey didnt do anything wrong. But damn it i get Emy is hurt but fucking hell this isnt it. GIVE ME BRIAN BACK’ brian shows up on screen with Vance ‘HA WHAT DID I SAY? I CAN FEEL WHEN MY BOY IS UP! Wait that..sounds..weird. Of course he looks great, he always does. Oh so now you love him, fuck you baldy, Brian youre better than this. I like his hair. *does jazz hands* spikey. Oh baldy knows that Brian could destroy him if he pulls a Justin Timberlake and goes solo. DO IT BRI BRI! I didnt plan on him having his own company but DO IT!!!!’ ‘How did Mike already lose Hunte- HES HUSTLING AGAIN? *randomly starts laughing* It’s really funny hearing Mike call him little asshole when they’re the same height.’ Ted and Blake are on right now where he’s cleaning the floor ‘ohhhh i think this is gonna be bad. I hope im wrong because i like Blakey but this is looking like you know that thing where you get a crush on your savior or your therapist or something like that? I know my shit..i think’ ‘OH MY GOD WHAT DID THEY DO TO BRIANS CAR? Id rip their head off? I mean the car sucks but damn. Wait i forgot to focus on the important stuff: Brian looks good as fuck! CAN HE STOP KISSING HIM?’ ‘ITS BRIAN AGAIN!(Brian says ‘because no ones close friendship means more to me than yours’) aww Bri Bri, i feel the same way. Im glad you can agree that we have a deep connectio- OH HE IS GONNA GO SOLO! HES PULLING A BEYONCÉ! YOU GO GIRL! I really like the drag queen moments.. i miss my girls back home, i gotta call them.’ ‘AW JUSTIN CAME UP WITH THE COMPANY NAME!! KINNETIK! I fuck with that. I think i need a new shirt (i said No at this point) *looks at me and does jazz hands* merch. Of course Blondie is the one to help him come up with the name. LOOK AT THEM ALL HAPPY AND IN LOVE! Aw they wanna hang out with Emy! I NEEDED THIS TRIO! Make them hang out like when they danced together. The new dream team!’

The new intro! It really reminds me of the OG intro to the OG Beverly Hills 90210 (not to date myself).

It is so hard to watch Emmett and Ted during this arc.

Brian looks sooooooo good in S4.

OH HE IS GONNA GO SOLO! HES PULLING A BEYONCÉ! Truly, I looked it up and she went solo in 2003 right as this was being filmed (if I've got my timelines correct).

AND YES JUSTIN CAME UP WITH KINNETIK. He's named both Gus and Kinnetik (swoon).

The new dream team - I wish!

[malinastharlock]

Malina Reviews Diablo 4

Okay so I am a fan of Blizzard's games and have been since I first played The Lost Vikings and the original Warcraft. So of course I'm going to pick up the new Diablo 4 game and okay the fuck out of it. I've grown used to games having a few glitches and maybe some bugs here and there but omg this is stupid. I have always held Blizzard to a higher standard than other big game companies cuz they only make like 4 titles and they normally go hard as fuck on them and release something amazing. I will not just sit here and bash a game just because a few bugs either but, Oh My Fucking Cthulhu! This is shit! It's a sparklie fun steaming pile of shit, but still shit. So from here I'm going to break down this steaming pile.

1. THE STORY

::SPOILERS ALERT::

The story is basically like any other Diablo game you are the glorified custodian of a war between good and evil and you're just basically cleaning up the crap fest that they leave behind although this time they change it up with the story of Lilith, a demon who got tired of all the bullshit between the forces of good and evil and decides to do her own thing, she found herself an angel who was also tired of the war too, and both decided to make a nice home have some kids but then baby daddy was like naw fuck this shit, I don't want these kids being so powerful that they could destroy me or heaven. So bro bounced and locked her ass up and decided these kids are mine and I'm gonna make sure they never live up to their potential. Mommy got released from the slammer and decided to go on a revenge kick and whoop the shit out of her baby daddy, while also trying to empower her children, but some of her kids are like, "Naw we like being bitches.", so decided to be punk ass bitches and kill her.

Now me personally, I didn't like it at all. I found myself rooting for Lilith and wishing she won but ::SPOILER ALERT:: she doesn't. No instead she get offed and much like the other day SX ma kina evils can't I don't think she can actually die, but who knows, we might see her later on sometime, much like how he ended up seeing Mephisto again. Yeah, Blizzard made sure to plug as much of Diablo 2 into this Diablo 4 game as a possibly, cuz you know, got to milk that franchise and all that. I will give them props. On one thing, there were several instances in this game where I actually ended up crying, because I was like, "Why? Why did you kill that character you fucker? I liked that one."

I did, however, find a lot more enjoyment out of the side quests in the game, which there are plenty of. There were actually a few side quests that really got me and made me cringe a little. Cringe, as in, Great Cthulhu, that is gross! Still not that bad. I enjoy gross sometimes.

2. The Gameplay

🤢🤮🤮🤮🤧

I am sorry you got to give me a second, sometimes when I think about the gameplay it makes you want to puke.

Ok, so normally, blizzard is known for releasing beautiful games. They release games that are good, they look good, they play good, their story is at least adequate, however, I can't say the same for this one. I don't know what happened, and I don't know where they drop the ball. I mean, its still plays like your normal dungeon runner. I really don't know where they went wrong or where to even start, so here's a try.

They brought several elements from Diablo and mortal into the game that I don't mind. It makes it more fun in multiplayer, since if I really wanted to do multiplayer, which is not what I normally like to do with Diablo games. Seriously it's all multiplayer now. 🤢🤮 I really don't think they play tested this game enough because the overwhelming amount of glitches I have found in this game is astonishing for blizzard game. That's not even the worst part. They make you so underpowered at the beginning that everything is a struggle. Unless you run through the entire game and collect every single Lilith statue, you can find then you'll become OP in the game feels like an normal Diablo game. Oh, and collecting all the Lilith statues is pretty dag-on hard unless you get your horse, which you won't get until after act 3, then running all over the ginormous freaking world map that they are creating and probably plan on creating more of sanctuary to go with it as time goes on, or they end up scrapping the whole thing because they screwed up so bad to begin with. Knowing Blizzard, they might do that. I'm seriously starting to think that blizzard is becoming as bad as Netflix, but that's a gripe for another time.

Another huge problem, I see with this right now is the grind after you hit level 50. From level 50 to 100, you have to grind and grind and grind, and it is so tedious, that after reaching level 60, I was like, fuck this I'm out. I'm not out out but I am definitely not going to waste all my time grinding to 100.

As much as I seem to like the horse on the console version, there seems to be a huge problem with the horse just going in general. Like you, you click on the horse and it just stops or it's super slow, and you end up getting hit by all the creatures you're trying to run from or you're just, what is the word I'm thinking of? inconvenienced in a way that it's really irritating.

The Butcher

So like how I said they make you very underpowered and very challenging, I don't mind a good challenge, but when you're getting wrecked by everything when you first start playing your favorite class from the other several games, you can't help but get really frustrated with Diablo 4. Like when you first run into The Butcher and you are running around very underpowered and then he proceeds to makes you his bitch. That really sucks.

3. Graphics

The graphics in this game are actually really beautiful. I love the cut scenes, I love what they've done, blizzard has really come a long way, and it shows. I really do love the fact that they have a giant open world to run around in, and the events that they do are really fun, I love the particle effects. I love that they put so much effort into it, but I also think they could have done more with that least the character creation, but that has nothing do with graphics.

[heisen-shrine]

Money trouble

I hung up the phone, still panicking both inside and out. It had been rejected, and not a single person from either the tax company or IRS had contacted me. I had panicked, apparently something was wrong on my taxes and I couldn't figure it out. I knew what it was but not necessarily where the problem was coming from.

My hours had been axed again as well. We didn't have enough business, so we couldn't afford to give people hours. I threw my phone down in a fit, catching the attention of Os, who had come in to see what was going on.

"Sweetie, whats happenin'?" He asked.

"It happened again....twice. and I only have a few days to get this done. And no one sent me any notice. Nothing. No one. I need this money and they don't get it!" I replied, sitting in my bed, covering my face, "I can't do this. I just wanna disappear and never come back".

He sat down in front of me, putting a hand on my knee. "Ash, how much you need?".

"Os-"

"Seriously I'll cover it".

"Honey, I love you but you can't make this go away. I could potentially get in serious trouble for this if it happens enough times".

"Look, we got time. We'll go to the tax folks tomorrow and they'll set ya right. Alright? We're gonna get to the bottom o' this. I promise".

"It's not just the taxes. Its...everything. my hours at work got wrecked...again. my next paycheck is gonna look terrible".

"Maybe try findin' somethin' else doll. You're a girl o' many talents. Hell maybe the paper will hire ya".

"Journalism isn't my thing. I'd be terrible at it. Plus nothing happens in this damn town..." I rolled my eyes, "I just don't want...HER to be right".

It didn't take long for it to click. "Your stepmama? Fuck her-"

"I hear her Os. All the time. In my head. 'You don't work enough. You don't do enough. You don't make enough. You haven't done anything with your life at thirty, while your little sister already has a career and two crotch goblins'. Like seriously...just fuck off" I sniffed angrily, "she's right. Nothing I ever do is enough. It's not enough for me to just be happy, right?".

"Babe...first off, she's wrong. And seriously, fuck her. Second, I wish I could say happiness was the end all, be all, but...it ain't. And if I could change that for ya I would, and ya know I would".

"I know...I just...don't know what to do. I don't wanna be one of those people that get up and they hate going to work. I love my job. A lot. I have fun and I'm happy...but it doesn't work me enough. And until I can find somewhere to sell my jewelry where I won't get bitched at, I'm sitting on nearly fifty dollars or more of merchandise. I'm getting pissed on, Os. I'm getting pissed on without the courtesy of even calling it rain".

"Could always go back to fast food, doll-"

"And be miserable? Again I don't wanna be one of those assholes that hates their job".

"It wasn't a happy job, but it was stable. And I'm thinkin' right now that's what ya need. Ya need stability. And I get it, ya love what ya do but...darling...it's not workin' for you. Ash I hate seein' ya so stressed over this. Ya don't get paid enough for this shit".

I sighed and hugged my knees. "I don't wanna go back to that os, it's gonna fucking destroy me. I was stuck in that shit for nearly ten years".

"And it wasn't all bad, was it?".

"It wasn't completely awful but...I can't stand how people look down on me there. At least doing what I do now I'm a little more respected".

"But you handled it...hm...only thing I can think of is to write on the side. You know...write one shots for folks or somethin'?"

"Maybe...I just...don't know what to do at this point, Os. I really really don't".

Authors note: yeah, I'm having serious financial troubles and problems have arisen with my taxes. My work has seriously cut my hours and I feel hopeless. This was a part vent, part one shot. I don't know why, but I thought Oswald was appropriate for this. I seriously feel lost guys and I have no idea what to do with myself...

[piracytheorist]

Hi! Just wanting to talk about the Shadows Of Rose DLC!

First of all, your talk of it was amazing, and I loved how you analyzed it completly- amazing work!! I found you while scrolling through the tags for Resident Evil 8, and you've earned yourself a follow!!

Secondly, I'm a little on the fence about them turning Redfield into a villain. I mean, at this point of the universe, he has already lost his younger sister, Claire and her (Boyfriend?? Fwb??? What is Leon to Claire?? Tbh I've played resident evil but I just know Claire died? I didn't get too far into her and Leon's relationship, I only say boyfriend as that's what it seemed like in Resident Evil 2) Friend Leon.

He's also seen that most of the big organizations, The B.S.A.A, The Connections, Umbrella, can't be trusted at all since all three are connected due to the megamycete. Tbh, it's all but fair for him to become a villan- but a villain who destroys things that those three companies are doing.

I never really liked Chris in Resi evil 8 (Coughs awkwardly at the fanfiction I wrote) because he was basically just hiding things from Chris. Why the hell did he not tell Ethan before idk fucking kidnapping his goddamn child?? Oh, and not to mention this whole thing probably wouldn't have happened if Chris LET ETHAN HELP IN THE FIRST PLACE!!

Also, what idiot puts Miranda- a person you know can connect with the megamycete and you don't know if she's dead or not cause you used regular bullets- In the same van as the two people she was trying to kill?! If that isn't the stupidest fucking move known to man then idk what is.

So on one hand, yes, Chris deserves to be a villain cause he's been fucked over by the system. He's lost his sister and Leon and possibly many other friends because of Umbrella and the other corporations. I feel f

On the other hand, Chris is already a fucking villan. He betrayed Ethan's trust, he 'killed' his wife infront of him, he didn't tell Ethan about the entire plan until the end, and after Ethan died, he apparently didn't tell Rose nothing of her. That's a shit move tbf.

Anyways, sorry for just ranting, I thought it was interesting that Capcom would be making Vhris the villain, when he's already halfway twords being one.

My only hope is that he doesn't drag Rose in on this quest for vengeance or whatever it is lol.

Hello and welcome! Hope you enjoy your stay, I love talking when I have a shit ton of feels, and I'm so happy when people enjoy my ramblings :D

Again, I have only seen gameplays of re7 and re8 (and played the main of re8 myself a bunch of times) and absolutely nothing else of Resident Evil in general so I don't know that much about Chris as a character. I tried to make sense of his actions in re8, even wrote a post about it, but this dlc really isn't giving me much to help. I don't even have any explanation as to why he'd put Miranda in the same van with Ethan and Rose in the first place, I'm guessing it was a second van? And she just killed everyone there and just attacked the other van that Rose and Ethan were in? Idk and at this point I don't know if I want to care XD

And yeah if you ask me, Chris did the exact opposite of what Ethan asked him to do. I saw so many people being like Daddy Chris! and I was like I don't know shit about him but it doesn't look like he's fit to be a good parent? Not exactly out of his own fault, like he has seen and been through a lot of tough shit, while trying to help kill bioweapons and focused on the greater good, and I understand the whole feels thing of him having someone to take care of, but if we're being a little rational here, he shouldn't be the sole custodian of a child who can potentially cause mass deaths if she doesn't feel loved enough.

Ethan said with his dying breaths that he wanted Mia to keep Rose safe, he wanted her to be with her mother, and what we got was Chris going like "I can use her to grind Mirander evil guys into paste!" and never reassuring her emotionally. Ethan got a few moments with her and it was all it took for Rose to accept herself, powers or not.

Yeah idk I'm not being here like hating on Chris or whatever, I'm just very between "They're gonna make him a villain" and "Should I care about him and be invested in him?" because on one hand it would make sense with all the writing choices, on the other I don't know if they're bold enough to make such a beloved character a villain. I don't know. Maybe they'll just go that way in re9 and we'll just realize we were being stupid for worrying XD

Never worry about ranting! As I said, the DLC touched me so much and I have SO many things to say about it, so I'm really glad when people prompt me to talk about it!

[nilesabbott]

It's now some time ago, since I posted here. I mean, nobody seems to read my stuff anyways, so it seems to don't matter 😅

Anyway I want to give a update on myself and things around me.

My weight loss journey continued. Meanwhile I lost over 55 kilos since last year and even build muscle. I even developed a slight hint of abs 😂

I cut my beard completely down to a goatee. I felt, that I was hiding behind the full beard. You know, it became kinda a mask for me. A shield to hide behind. Now I lowered at least that shield and discovered, that a young and kinda handsome face was hiding behind it.

And I start to let my hair grow out on the sides too. My goal is a haircut like Health Ledger, Brandon Lee or Ville Valo had. It definitely will look great on me.

Unfortunately my face and new body wasn't helping to find a new partner. That is the most frustrating part, you know? Most other gays are just looking for fun, a non-monogamous relationship and such. Especially that guys in my near. Plus mostly guys over 50 try to hit me up, while I just look for guys between 21 and 35 and have that written in my profile also.

To be honest: Being alone makes me kinda sad and feeling like I don't deserve to be happy.

It's a "problem" that I am not into bears and older guys. But bears always remind me of my dad and I don't feel attracted to my dad romantically or worse 😅 And similar with older dudes, especially since I don't feel like my age.

Honestly: I feel like in my mid 20th, especially since I wasted my 20th on my ex wife. I just NOW have my glow up and try to put my life together. At the same time, it feels like time is running out to find a partner. You know, I do not want to become that old guy creeping up to younger folks like these guys who write to me now.

To be honest: At the end, I kinda gave up already. If every Jack has his Jill, then I am Zachary 😂

Besides of that: I quit my therapy. Not because I think I am above that and don't need it. No no, I definitely need therapy. I quit it, because my therapist was an arsehole. She not wanted to help me getting along with my trauma. Instead, she wanted to help the insurance company saving money on me. I tried to tell her about shit that destroyed me, her reaction was "But that shouldn't stop you to go to work. How many job applications did you wrote? Where did you applied to?" and such. Totally ignoring stuff which is bothering me and acting like she isn't my therapist but a worker from the job department of government. That really made me feel like "Ok, if even my therapist don't care about me, why should anyone else?". The final moment, which made me quit was, when I told her about my strong fear looking at the political situation in Germany, with growing percentage of Nazis and shit. I told her I fear more violence and such. Her reaction "No, Nazis won't harm any queer people. It's only the foreigners who harm queer folks, I read a statistics about it.". Like ... WHAT?! I have friends who got attacked by Nazis, pride events received hate and you only have to look online to see the hate from the Nazis towards the queer community. Idk where she read the statistics, maybe on the AfD homepage. Or she is one of them too, Idk.

So all in all it wasn't a help at all and only fed my trust issues even further. Now I can't even trust therapists, which makes it kinda impossible for me to seek help.

But something positive: I quit drinking about a year ago. Not 100%. But it's now only one bottle of beer in a few weeks, which is really nothing. And my January was, in fact, completely alcohol free. That stuff helps me to get my body in a better shape and will help my mental health too.

And I kinda "rediscovered" some music. I listen again a lot to HIM and VV (Ville Valo). I was a giant fan in the 1990th/2000th and kinda stopped following a few years ago. Even though I had a hughe crush on Ville and still have. He is the only older guy I would like to be with 😅 But it isn't just about him (pun not intended 😂), it's the whole music and lyrics. Love can hurt, but at the same time, it can be something absolutely beautiful too. And at all: Self growth is important.

So ... what else? Idk 😅 I try to be somehow positive, find a job again and to make my own luck.

By the way: In the pics you see how I look now 😂

[omega-tech]

my 39th birthday

Well, next week will be my 39th birthday on November 27th 2023. The last three and a half years have been really rough, hard, emotionally, challenging, and heart arching in my entire life. I lost friends, family, people who I once called homies to sisters. And now I am looking into the mirror of a man who is still standing but humble of the last three years and I mean three long years that change my view of life. 

Since March of 2020 when the world shut down, I was very worried about what would happen or will happen. I was scared and very depressed when I was at home alone. Few of my so-called friends have taken their mask off to show who they really are then what I thought of them. I view the world in two views, one was the hateful and greedy side that was destroying the hope we had left and two was the people who were peaceful and giving that was trying to hold on to hope we had left over. 

2022, was a crazy and rough year for me, I got hurt to the point I lost my front teeth and had to get emergency oral surgery. My job was overworking me and paying me less while the higher up was taking our hard work money away. And at the end of the year I got hurt again at work which led to more pain and arch’s while my job was trying to find ways to screw me over and get me fired. I was stressed out that I wanna quit but could since the medical bills were building up. 

And then the beginning of 2023 was not a good start.  My job screwed me over and was trying to put me in a position I wasn't comfortable with and I called their bull shit. So I made a decision to go to a different department for my job. After that i couldn’t see myself doing that job for so long, i mean there wasn’t any advancement to move up. So in March of this year I decided to look for another job which was challenging. Until late April I got a call from a company that wanted to hire me, which was my break. I put in my two week notice and left that job, and ended with a horrible position. This company told me lies and I knew this job wasn’t for me. I had a plan to stick it out until something good came along but I quit that night because the team leader was trying to kill me on  a line that I didn't feel safe in. So after being without a job for almost a month I got hired on as a housekeeper which i didn’t want but needed a paycheck. Luckily I still had time to do interviews for the jobs I was applying for which led me to get hired on to reynolds. I started in September of this year and currently I am still working here. 

As of now, I am in a comfortable place and feel safe from being jobless. I don’t know what I am going to do but my plan was to go to school but, school isn’t looking good and I don't know if my trade degree i am going after would benefit me in a good work life. I wanna make this work without failing but I gotta face it because it is a part of life and I gotta learn from it. I just hope something good comes out of this when 2024 comes. I just hope I get a sign from god or anything telling me what I need to do and change about my life. I wanna have a good job and pay so i can own a home out in the country where there is quietness and being safe. That is one of my goals i wanna do, just own a home but these days it is impossible. But then again something will change next year hopefully. 

So as I celebrate my 39th birthday, I wish for change and have a good life. And completing my goals I have set for myself. I know some of the things I will have to give up which some of my friends might not like but have to understand from my view. So, I hope I have a good day on my birthday and wish for change in 2024. 

[kipixxx44]

entry 4

7/30

i had a breakdown last night i think, not a bad one but enough to make me upset with myself but i woke up and let it go and now it's not serious anymore. i relapsed

bligh and i are on the phone as i write this. he makes me nervous. not in the bad way. we aren't really platonic (or, good at keeping it that way) and i don't think we're really romantic either, it's like a secret third worse thing. a thing that makes me nervous. a thing that complicates things. he told me that every time he gets close to me i find a way to destroy him which is valid (and true?), i've been told i do that to people and things and situations but it sucks coming from someone you care about, someone you love. i love him in a complicated way. a way that makes me nervous. i don't want to be with him because it's not sustainable, or realistic, his family and my family wouldn't do well together, i wouldn't do well with him, i'm not where i need to be in order to give him what he needs. or deserves, i think is a better way to put it. plus, he's moving. but i don't want to string him along or love him for an allotted amount of time and then he leaves and both of us end up hurt. plus, shit with jj would get really, really messy. complicated. that, once again, makes me nervous.

bligh is probably one of the coolest people i've ever met, no joke. he understands me in a way that freaks me out but i think it's mutual. he's tall and strong and his eyes are pretty and his smile is stupid and it pisses me off in a way that i've found i'm, unsurprisingly, very attracted to. he's creative. that's one of my favorite things about him. he's gonna be an engineer, and a damn good one. he's never not thinking and he's always doing something. skating, photography, guitar, baking, he knows a lot about plants because of his mom, but he's also done just about everything under the sun at least once. like crocheting. he says he sucks at it though. if i had ten bucks for every hobby bligh has had or currently has, i would have, like, a fuck ton of weed money. i didn't mention that bligh is also my smoke buddy. and my sneaking out buddy. and the person i sit with on the bus every day. anything that involves me could also probably involve bligh, we're cool like that. we can just coexist and it's comfortable. "our spot" has been deemed at the elementary school playground on the platform that's the perfect size for both of us to sit without his legs bending weird. (i'm only like, 5'1 for reference--) he has pretty good music taste, i've made him like fifty something playlists (that is an exaggeration) but he only knows about three or four. also, i taught him how to kiss. it was after we made a really good batch of brownies and the red hot chili peppers song my mom slow danced to at her wedding was playing. i hadn't kissed a boy in years. i think about that (him) a lot

i went back to school shopping with my dad today and it sort of turned into a mall trip because he asked me if i wanted clothes. the only thing my father and i ever really bond over is obligation. we do what we gotta do, as he puts it. that, unfortunately, is also all we do. he doesn't get my interests and hobbies and vice versa, we don't agree on most "intellectual conversation topics" so anything deep that could be discussed can and will, without fail, become an argument of some variation because i'm always too sensitive and he's never sensitive enough. so i grasp what i can, which translates into, if we go grocery shopping i can be in your company and you can be in mine and we will just be. and that's nice, i like just being. we haven't gone grocery shopping in a few weeks

i did see joey, though, which was cool. we talked about work and how we're really doing under everything, (he is, as always, "on the verge" and i am over it.) we also talked lots of hypotheticals. how many twelve year olds could we take on in a fight? how much does that number increase if we are armed with a metal bat? you know that big brother thing where they come up to you completely wordlessly, throw punches that would 100% hit you full force if you moved at all and then walk away after almost but not really beating you up? he did that a lot too. i don't see him often anymore but i like that we still have a sibling connection. he gives me really good advice on everything except kaz. that's another thing we talked about. every time the topic is brought up he just says she's a bitch and that he never went through what i did so he can't offer anything i haven't probably already heard. which is fine. i don't expect him to know what to say. kaz flew back in today so now i've fallen back into that weird thing i do where i have anxiety attacks before i go anywhere except therapy and to the park, with bligh

i don't have much else to write about right now so i'm going to cap this here and pick up tomorrow, probably

thanks :)

[marlowe1-blog]

The Book of Job chapter 6

Job offers a rebuttal

So Job is not nearly as angry with Eliphaz as I was. I guess Job is too tired to be angry. Instead he disputes the notion that G-d will punish him for what he's saying. He's already destroyed. What is G-d going to do to him? Killing him would be a mercy at this point.

I would be much less poetic to the "happy is the man who God reproves". Certainly I wouldn't be talking about calamity heavier than the sands on the sea and arrows of the Almighty in me.

This might prove more difficult than I thought. There's a LOT of great poetry in this book (even in the not terribly poetic JPS translation). I am reminded of my Theater History class in college where we got to Hamlet and everyone just started talking about how much they loved the poetry. Like every other work we could talk about themes, characters, staging, etc. But Hamlet just hypnotized everyone and the professor noted that almost every class has very little to say about Hamlet when they are first introduced. Which is weird since there is way MORE to say about Hamlet than Oedipus Rex or the Revenger's Tale.

His words go from general to specific. He notes that only the suffering cry out. Then goes back to the "If only God would destroy me" before pointing out that his friends are useless. Worse than useless. Sure first he compares them to melting ice, but then he goes "do you devise words of reproof but count a hopeless man's words as wind? You would even cast lots over an opran, or barter away your friend."

But continually he is going "tell me that I'm wrong"

So this is getting long, but today I was reminded of a particular noxious individual that I considered a friend before Obama won and then still considered a friend until the fact that every time I said hello he just glared at me. I later learned that he told mutual friends about how much he hated me. He was always a creepy dude so I wasn't terribly concerned about him cutting ties with me, but he founded a publishing company and his family still runs it so it's annoying that he publishes some cool Jewish books that I would love to buy if I wasn't giving that mamzer money.

Anyhow on the way home, I looked him up to see what he's been doing. Jumping from job to job. Had a time as a pulpit rabbi (left after a year so probably molesting some congregants) and a lot of articles about how abortion is murder complete with taking that Project Veritas "abortion" video at face value.

I found his LinkedIn account (I swear it only took 10 minutes to look all this stuff up) and saw that he responded to a post about how "Man, that's tough" being a good thing to say to someone being overwhelmed with a bitchy self-aggrandizing post about how he needs PRACTICAL ADVICE when he's feeling overhwhelmed. He even said that he's playing devil's advocate.

So I told him that he sounds like Eliphaz the Temanite (he's a rabbi so he should get the reference) and that I have advice for him, stop being a noxious lying little shit.

I'm not proud of myself for that.

But it's fascinating to see that this guy (who also used to post articles on Facebook about how you should be EMOTIONALLY STRONG) is still about as knowledgeable about human emotions as he was back when he was the glaring asshole of Washington Heights.

Oh shit. It's not even about him. It's about another friend who just sent me an email inviting me to her philosophy group at Columbia. We haven't talked since she went off the deep end stanning for the CCP.

Oh. Damn.

Anyhow. Job is wondering why his friends have nothing to help him beyond reproof and bullshit statements like "happy is the man who God reproves" And as a reader, I'm wondering why these guys are acting that way.

But I miss a friend and because I can't really talk to her and there's really no way I see us ever being friends again, I look up a shitty dude that I never liked that much in the first place.

Can you believe I write term papers for a living? One thing I have over ChatGPT is the fact that I'll never start throwing in these personal asides.

[lubdubsworld]

The Devil’s Own.

Jungkook x OC

Mafia Au!

Warnings : Non-Con ! Manipulation, Degradation, Shitty hero with no redeeming Qualities you have been warned. ( i mean he does get better but not much.) 

Summary : Just Mob Boss Jungkook doing mob boss things. 

Chapter 1

“ Sign it. ”

I glared at him, feeling sick at the tone. The entitlement.

“No.” I said sharply and I could feel his anger swelling, morphing into something dangerous and deadly but I couldn’t care anymore. I was tired. Exhausted. This cat and mouse game had gone on , long enough. It wasn’t an even playing field, in any sense of the qword.

If today was the day I died, so be it. I would accept it. I would even welcome it.

I was done.

He had everything : an empire at his beck and call , enough money to pave the streets of Seoul in gold and an army of loyal associates behind him. His face was plastered on Billboards across the country , the President posted pictures of him on his fucking SNS and delegates from other countries had to wait weeks , just to get an appointment with the youngest billionaire South Korea had ever seen.

And yet none of those white collared dignitaries saw this side of him. The dirty, violent ruthless man who had more blood on his hands than anyone else in the country. My father’s. My brothers’.

Jeon Jungkook was both the most revered business man in the country and the undisputed king of Seoul’s criminal underbelly.

“You defiance only makes me want to break you in other ways Elena.” He said warningly and I felt my throat go dry. I stared at him, wondering how someone could look so expensively gorgeous and yet, like a hardened criminal.

The expensive silk shirt, the fitted slacks and the handmade shoes ought to clash with the dark ink that covered his entire arm and neck, the piercing on his eyebrow and the glint of metal on his tongue but it didn’t.

It just all came together to make him the most attractive man in existence.

I took a deep breath. Perhaps begging was the way to go?

“ You have my father’s company. You have my brother’s Hospital and you have the family mansion. It’s all yours. This bakery belongs to my mother. It’s all I have left of her. My sister in law is pregnant , due any day. She needs a place to stay and I don’t… I don’t have money to rent anywhere else.” I said desperately, thinking of the paltry wage I earned waiting tables. I could barely afford food for myself let alone for Jisoo and the baby on the way.

The bakery was abandoned but it had a roof. The furniture was crumbling but I could fix that. If I didn’t have to worry about rent, I could save up enough to make it livable. At least till I got a better job.

“I’ve offered you solutions for all of that.” He reminded me softly, eyes trained unblinkingly on me and I stared at him.

“I’m not going to be your whore.” I felt my voice shake.

He grimaced.

“You aren’t qualified to be my whore. And I don’t need one either. Whores are not my thing. I have a beautiful fiancée, don’t you remember? ” He grinned. I felt my heart ache because that fiancée was once my best friend. The only person I had trusted with my entire life. Lisa had betrayed my trust, had spied on my father’s operations and brought him down and I had the horrible, horrible inkling that she had also had something to do with my father and brother’s untimely death in a car crash.

But I couldn’t think about that. Every time I thought about her my heart broke and head spun, and I had to be at my maximum mental capacity if I was going to deal with her heartless fiancée.

“ If you ask me, you’re not fit for anything more than a back alley blowjob for a couple bucks. But Hoseok thinks you have potential. Join his agency, there are a lot of very wealthy men who have a bone to pick with your father. He made a shit ton of enemies. Most of them would love to fuck the defiance out of you. ”

His words felt like worms crawling all over my skin and I could feel the nausea churn inside me.

“I’m not signing the bakery over. You can call the creditors. I still have another year and half to pay the one remaining loan and they won’t come for me till then.” I felt my head begin to throb and Jungkook sighed.

“Suit yourself.” He stood up and I stayed still, watching his tall frame tower over me with ease. He gave me a small bitter smile. It was fraught with hatred and I stared back at him, knowing the emotion was probably mirrored in my gaze.

“Beautiful Elena. As pretty as the day you left me at the altar.” He smirked and I flushed.

“Your vengeance is petty and pointless and unfair…just like you.” I said angrily, frustration building u at his words. The way he talked about our broken engagement like it even mattered. It hadn’t even been real. We had hardly spoken and my father had called the wedding off at the last moment. But apparently, that had been the last straw for the Jeons. They had come after my father’s entire existence with a single minded intent to destroy him and they had succeeded. The man was dead . His two sons were dead.

But apparently it wasn’t enough.

Jungkook stared at me, slipping his hands into his pockets.

“Maybe. But it’s also deadly and potent. And it won’t rest until I see you reduced to nothing but a whore on the streets, spreading your legs for every man who can afford you.” He laughed. “ Saying no is a luxury , one that you’ll soon be unable to afford.”

I refused to be cowed, refused to give him the satisfaction of knowing that his words scared me. Because they did.

They scared me so damn much.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“This bed is so lumpy… I’m so sorry, unnie..” I said apologetically but Jisoo shook her head quickly, palms cupping my face as I held her elbows, gently lowering her to the bed. I stared at her feet, feeling my heart race at how swollen they looked. That can’t be normal, a voice whispered and

I didn’t know if that was normal and I had no money to take her to a clinic. The social center we usually went to only allowed three visits per month and we had used it all up. I wanted to throw caution to the wind and spend the thirty thousand won it would take but that would mean no groceries for a week and surely bread and eggs wouldn’t stretch that long, even if I could sneak meals in the restaurant for myself.

“I’ve been feeling a little dizzy…I’ll just sleep.” She said tiredly. She was thirty six weeks along, not due for another four weeks but her blood pressure was erratic. Her lab numbers were oscillating and there had been talks of an emergency c section. Even with insurance it was way more than I could afford but I had my own jewelry, a few expensive trinkets from my teenage years. I’d been obsessed with diamonds and my father had indulged me and I had a pair of earrings left. I’d already sold the rest but this would take care of the medical bills for the birth itself.

“My shift starts in ten minutes. I have to go. Give me a call if you need anything…” I said softly and I saw the familiar blank and listless look come into her eyes. I knew she was depressed, dealing with grief and pregnancy and loss but there was nothing I could do for her. Nothing. I had applied for a bunch of other jobs but they never wrote back. It wasn’t easy, being rejected over and over again but it wasn’t like there was much else I could do. And the truth was I was resigned to this, accepted that at some point I would have to take more loans and be stuck in an endless cycle of debt for the rest of my life.

And I had made peace with that.

There was no future for me. And I was okay with just surviving.

If only Jungkook would let me.

Apparently, watching me wipe down greasy tables and mop up floors and toilets trying to earn just enough to get a few square meals didn’t soothe his anger. It only fueled it. Jungkook couldn’t fathom that it had been six whole months of me on the streets of Seoul and I wasn’t completely destitute yet. I’d kept myself and my sister in law alive, safe and it pissed him off.

He wanted to see me broken and on my knees, begging him for help. The idea of me somehow surviving despite him taking everything away from me, it just didn’t sit well with him.

I couldn’t afford to have him as an enemy so all I could really hope was that one day he would wake up and give up. One day he would just wake up and decide that I wasn’t worth it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I walked into my shift and noticed a familiar pair of high heeled Louboutins , completely out of place in my seedy place of employment, I knew I was in trouble. Lisa sat against one of the booths and her gaze was fixated on the door which meant she was waiting for someone. And when her eyes narrowed at the sight of me, I just knew I was the someone.

She wants to get me fired.

It wasn’t rocket science and I felt the urge to turn right back around and leave.  But I tamped down on it. I could get through this. I would get through this. Lisa and Jungkook got off on invoking reactions and I wouldn’t give them that.

Except it wasn’t that easy.

It was a nightmare, watching her demand and reject and walk all over me but the sleeplessness from the past few days made spacing out easier and I just stared away at the wall as she yelled and complained and made a scene.

“You’ve stopped fighting? Finally giving up? Good…” She hissed when the manager apologized to her and told me to meet him after my shift and I felt myself tremble in indignation.

“I won’t fight you or Jungkook, you and I both know I can’t afford to.” I said quietly and she went still, something flashing in her eyes for a second. It was gone before I could fully process it but it had been there. Guilt.

Lisa wasn’t a terrible human. She had been a dear friend. We had grown up together and she had even hugged and teased me when I’d been betrothed to Jungkook, all those years ago. I had been twenty back then, naïve and spoiled. While Jungkook had taken my father’s entire legacy apart, piece by piece, Lisa had been nothing more than a pawn. I remembered all the times I had let her home, how she would disappear for lengths of time.

Planting bugs all over the house. All over his office. Jungkook had been smart. Someone like Lisa, so fascinated by thr wealth she had grown up around would naturally jump at the idea of more. It wasn’t greed. It was human nature. And with her help he had destroyed everything my father had built over decades.

I shuddered. My father hadn’t been a good man. He had been greedy, yes. But he hadn’t deserved to die. And Jungkook would have to pay for that sin, someday.

“There’s a job waiting for you in Hoseok’s club.” She smiled cruelly , “ you don’t need this one.”

“The fact that you want to take it away from me, tells me that maybe there’s nothing left in you save.” I said blankly and she turned her nose up at me.

“I have Jungkook. I don’t need to be saved.”

I shook my head. She was so naïve. Men like Jungkook cared for nothing but themselves. But I wondered if women like her didn’t care for anything but the money that came with being his. Money was precious, I thought bitterly. I’d never realized how privileged I had been until I’d had it all ripped away.

“He’s the one you need saving from. And one day you’ll realize that.” I shrugged, not in the mood to offer her anymore life advice.  If she was alright with being a trophy wife in exchange for a few pretty shoes that was her prerogative.

Before she could reply,  my phone rang.

“Hello?” I asked nervously and I felt my heart drop to my knees when I heard who it was.

I turned on my heel rushing inside and my manager gave me a look of surprise.

“ My sister..she’s… she’s sick. I need to go.” I said desperately and his eyes narrowed. It was the worst timing. He was already annoyed because of Lisa and I stared in disbelief as he quickly shook his head.

“No. I’m sorry Elena…I just can’t let you leave like that…” He said sharply.

It was so unfair.

“I haven’t taken a single day off in five months…” I said desperately..” Please, she’s pregnant..She needs me, she-“

“If you leave, you won’t have a job to come back to. I can’t do this.. First you make trouble with a customer and now you just want to walk out in the middle of your shift without any notice…”

“Fine. Fire me.” I snapped, because I’d just had enough of it. I was exhausted, and tomorrow I’d go knocking on some other tore and I’d get a job. I lived in Seoul …How hard could it be? For now, I had to get to Jisoo. I had to get the hospital and things would be okay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It wasn’t okay.

“I… You want to keep her in? So soon?”

“Her blood pressure is through the roof. There are signs of severe pre eclampsia and we want to get her started on a magnesium drip. Steroids to help the baby’s lungs incase we need to deliver…”

“Deliver..?” I couldn’t breathe.

“Yes, I’m sorry…. If her blood pressure doesn’t come down we’re going to have to deliver.”

I nodded, glancing at the bed where Jisoo was sleeping, her face swollen and I knew that she was sick. Really sick. She looked pallid and ill.

“Is she going to be okay?” I asked hoarsely.

“We’re going to do what we can… But I’m going to be honest, we’re looking at a c section, a lot of meds and also some time in the NICU for the baby…. Can you afford it? Your sister’s insurance only covers 80% .”

I blinked, completely thrown. White noise rushed through my ears,  a dull throb settling right at the base of my skull and beginning to spread all the way to my arms and back. It was panic mixed wth anxiety mixed with despair and I couldn’t quite cope. The earrings wouldn’t cover all that.

“Oh… Oh..yeah.” I said dully, “ Of course I can… Let me just…. Can I have a moment? There’s somethings I need to do.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I carefully slipped the cash into the envelope, swallowing as I sat on the pavement. I’d got another call from the hospital, they had administered the steroids but Jisoo’s condition seemed to be worsening. They wanted to try inducing labour soon but they wanted me to pay for the room and for the medicines, and apparently, the earrings weren’t as valuable as I thought they were.

I fought nausea wrapping arms around myself as I stared at the cars whizzing by, the putrid city air clogging my lungs as I tried to come to terms with what was happening. Jisoo needed help. She was the only one left and she carried my brother’s son. I felt my throat clog when I thought of Daehwan. He had been a good guy. I had loved him. It wasn’t fair, what Jungkook had done to my family, I thought miserably .

And the only reason I wasn’t driven by vengeance or anger was because I was nothing like Jungkook. I hated him. I didn’t want him to live in my head, didn’t want to waste any part of myself on him , not even my anger. But it was hard when he wouldn’t let me breathe, always at my heels like a wolf : jaws snapping and blood thirsty eyes trained on me at all times. I couldn’t fathom his obsession sometimes. Surely, his hatred was uncalled for now? He’d taken everything from me anyway.  

There was a dull roaring in my ears, one that said that this was not really a surprise. I’d thought about it way too often, had considered it countless times. Had even spent one absolutely horrifying evening scouring the streets of Seoul’s red light district just to see how sex workers behaved.

I’d also realized that in the face of desperation, dignity didn’t hold much value.

You are going to pay your debts on your back and on your knees.

The first time Jungkook had thrown it at my face, eyes glinting with glee, my stomach had rebelled so hard. I’d been absolutely infuriated, had thrown a vase at him. And it had been awful,  watching him catch it out of the air with ease, his mocking laughter making my bones rattle as he shook his head, “ That’s how this ends, Elena. Mark my words.”

And it was pitiful ,  that he went through life so consumed with hatred and vindictive cruelty that he couldn’t leave me alone . He was pathetic. That’s how I saw him. A pathetic child who refused to stop tormenting the helpless ant on the floor although it was no match for his cruelty.

At some point Jungkook was going to win. And his idea of winning was seeing me stripped bare of the one thing that kept me alive : my freedom.

It had just happened sooner than I’d thought.

Because I knew what it would mean, to go to Hoseok. He would own me. Hoseok’s whores were all slaves, tangled in his web so badly that there was no hope of escape. He wasn’t cruel but he was smart. No one left the his ‘ agency’ once they went in. I would be lost, forever. And I couldn’t stomach it.

I stared at my knees, fists clenched on the fabric of my skirt. I grabbed my phone, scrolling through the contacts. I considered it carefully. I had to do this on my terms. Had to make sure I retained some sort of control here.

And I knew just how to do it.

Hoseok picked up on the third ring.

“Hello.”

“I need help.” I croaked out.

The deep chuckle made my skin crawl.

“Elena Gong. What a wonderful, wonderful surprise. What can I do you for?” He drawled.

“Well sweetheart, I’m all out of charity so you’re going to have to make it worth my while.”

I took a deep breath.

“I’m a virgin.” I whispered.

The line went completely silent.

“What?” The amusement in his voice died.

“You heard me and I’ll let you cash in on it. I’ll let you auction it off…” I tamped down on the burning protest in my lung, the screaming inside my head that said it was horrifying, that I was considering this. “ But only if you keep my terms.”

“What makes you think you have a say in that.” He said sharply and I laughed.

“I belong to your world, Hoseok. Did you forget that we were friends, once.” I whispered and he didn’t reply.

Laughter, kindness, a big brother I could always count on, hobi oppa, nine year old me with my fingers curled around his wrist as we ran all around the gardens , a smile so wide that he could spread sunshine on the gloomiest days. Different from Jungkook and Namjoon and Yoongi and the others. Willing to include a ‘ girl’ in his playtime. Lisa and I the only girls, not even fazed watching as the rest of them wielded toy guns and mock interrogation scenes, pretending to kill and maim and torture because that was the world we were born into.

“We’re not friends, Elena. Let’s get that straight. The only part of you that holds any value to me is th part between your legs. So tell me, what do you want.”

“When was the last time you auctioned off someone’s virginity? You know how much money you can make off something like that. Not just from the sale itself but from the entire night. Your club… Your gaming hell…. All of it.”

“You expect me to believe you’re a virgin. At twenty seven.” He scoffed.

“Put the word out, everywhere. If you find one man who says he’s slept with me , I’ll back off.”

“That would require me to tarnish your  family name. And you’re alright with that?”

I smiled biotterly.

“Isn’t that what you and your precious Jungkookie want? To see the last living Gong, be labeled as a whore and a slut.”

He didn’t reply.

“I’ll give you that. You can do it… You know that will only interest more people. As Jungkook so eloquently put it, most of them would love to fuck the defiance out of me.”

“What’s the catch. What do you want. ”

“2 billion won.”  I said firmly “It will be one night. One night only and I want enough money to pay off every one of my father’s debts, to get me an apartment for my sister in law and to support her and her baby for a year at least.”

“Done.” He said without missing a beat and I went still. What must it be like, to throw around money like that without a care in the world. And it sickened me that Jungkook was probably ten times as rich as Hoseok , the money my father owed him and his associates not even pocket change in comparison to his gargantuan wealth and yet, he stayed on my heels, snapping his jaws like a dog with a bone.

“And Jungkook doesn’t get to watch.” I said softly, knowing exactly what Jungkook would get off on.

That made Hoseok laugh.

“You know him too well. I keep forgetting he was madly in love with you once.”

I resisted the urge to vomit. Jungkook didn’t know love. He knew ownership. He didn’t love me, he thought he owned me. That I was his to play with…. For the rest of his life. And when my father had denied him that, just like a toddler in a toy store being denied a shiny toy to break and trample on, he had thrown a temper tantrum.

Except his tantrums always ended in death and destruction.

“That’s the deal. He doesn’t turn up there to gloat.”

“He’s heading out to Switzerland for a week , two days from now.” Hoseok said evenly.

“Good then. My sister in law…she “ I swallowed. “ She’s in a hospital in Yongsan. I’ll send you the address.”  

“I’ll take care of it. But I want you here tonight. I’m not going to drop a couple billion won on your head without making sure I’m getting my money’s worth. And I can’t have you changing your mind and bolting either. My reputation is on the line here. If I put out the word that I’m serving something so fucking delicious and then back out, they’re not going to want to buy Hobi’s wares anymore. You understand what I’m saying darling?” Hoseok drawled and I knew exactly what he was saying. If I agreed to this, it was blanket consent for him to whatever he wanted.

“I won’t back out. I can’t. But this is one night. One night with whichever bastard you choose and that’s it. I want out.  I don’t want you or Jungkook hounding me again. Ever.” My voice shook as I dug my fingers into my knees.  

“My men will be there in ten minutes. Sit tight, princess.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stared at Hoseok as he carefully poured me a finger of whiskey, neat. He gave me a smirk and I shrugged.

“you remember.” I said casually, throat itching because it had been way too long since I’d had quality alcohol. I missed the burn,  the warmth , the numbness that followed.

“Of course I do. You could drink all of us under the table with little effort. It was spectacular.” He laughed and I leaned back against the couch, letting my head fall back.

“I was half certain that you would have a doctor around to make sure I’m a virgin.” I stared at him and he shrugged. “ Pointless. You’re twenty seven, you’ve probably had stuff up there anyway… Not like your hymen’s still going to be intact.”

I thought it was rather horrifying, that I didn’t feel nearly as mortified as I should. This was how Hoseok talked, matter of fact and open and that was why he was so popular. Anytime an important person came into the country, Hobi was the one who offered entertainment for the night. Hobi’s girls were always the prettiest, most well behaved and perfect. They were educated, knew what they were talking about and he didn’t force them into the life. They loved it, enjoyed it and it showed.

Not to say he was a saint.

Far from it.

Hoseok knew how to dine with kings in castles  but also how to wrestle with  swine in the gutter. The seedy brothels in Seoul’s back alleys were his as well, and he ruled his kingdom with an iron hand. The prostitutes there feared him, one look or word enough to silence any rebellion, any thought of escape.

He was called Hope. And yet somehow that was exactly what he denied the women under him. There was no hope here. There was only lust and power and money. You came to Hobi…. You never left .

I took the glass he offered, taking a small sip, savoring the taste.

“But you believe me. I wonder why.” I watched him closely and he scoffed.

“Between your father and Jungkook, no one ever really had the pluck to come anywhere near you  did they?”

Undisputable.

I sighed, leaning back to stare at him.

“Do you think dying hurts?” I asked softly.

It was frightening, how his entire body went stiff, eyes wide and jaw dropping.

“Elena, what the fuck-“

“Its just a question. You’ve killed people. You’ve watched them die… how do you think they feel?” I asked , curious.

“None of them wanted to die. If that’s what you’re asking.” The look in his eyes made me nervous.

I stared at him and the question was obvious. None of them wanted to die, but do you?

I didn’t.

“I’m not thinking of killing myself , oppa.  Stop looking so horrified.” I laughed. He shook his head.

“ Don’t joke about that. It’s not fucking funny.”

I sobered up, remembering with a jolt. Ah, of course.

“I’m sorry. I forgot.” I said quietly.

Hoseok’s little sister had killed herself when I was seventeen. She was a year older than me and her father had lost her in a wager to a seventy year old man, known for torturing his bedmates. She had heard the news, taken a deep breath and taken a deep dive off the seventeeth floor of the condo where she lived with her mother.

I’d been engaged to Jungkook by then. And I had almost wanted it. Jungkook wasn’t old at least… twenty one to my seventeen.

“Just so you know, he’s going to find out. And he’s not going to like it.”

I shrugged. Three years is a long time to be preyed upon and now my mind was resigned to a life of being hunted. Hoseok was right. Jungkook would find out and he wouldn’t like it.

Good.

“I don’t care what he does anymore. All I care is that Jisoo and the baby are left out of whatever plans he has…. If you promise me you’ll keep them safe , I’ll cooperate.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a baby boy.

I stared, fingers itching to hold the baby but it was impossible, the little one whisked away to the NICU right after with respiratory distress and Jisoo had gone into a seizure, eyes rolling back into her eyes.

She as alright now, resting in a VIP room with the best care money could buy. Hoseok had asked me if I was happy with the arrangements, and if I would name the boy after him.

I stared at the room, large and breezy and filled with flowers and gifts, toys and baby stuff and I knew right then that I had sealed my fate. I was going to have to go through with this. I could imagine how much Jisoo would protest when she came to her senses. The only relief was that it would take her a few days to be good enough to fight or protest. But then this would all be over and done with.

Jungkook would leave this afternoon. His flight was at three.

I would reach the club at five. The patrons would arrive at seven.

One night, I reminded myself , staring at the gentle rise and fall of Jisoo’s chest as she slept, my fingers playing with the soft skin on her wrist. The IV line went through her veins and I watched the gentle drip of it.

One night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I didn’t know how auctions happened and while I’d been prepared for the worst kind of humiliation,  Hoseok assured me that he wasn’t going to make me stand naked on some podium or something.

“Generally, I would do something like that simply for the flair of it but consider this a favor ….a respite because you were, as you said, once a friend.” He gave me an even smile and I could only nod in mute relief.

I was grateful. Beyond grateful.

And what was more, he hadn’t told anyone, who I was.

That stunned me. Because wasn’t that the selling point? The murderous, greedy mob rat Gong Hyo Suk’s only daughter forced to spread her legs for one lucky stranger? If Hoseok had cashed in on that he would have made a fortune. But he hadn’t. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Would , whoever it was be upset if he recognized me?

I was led to a bedroom, large and tastefully decorated with silky satin sheets and dark curtains and dim lighting that lit up parts of the room and left other parts plunged in darkness. Hoseok had told me to wear whatever I wanted and I realized with a pang that he really didn’t see this as some sort of transaction. He was trying to make it as easy as possible without making any decisions for me. Offering me choices and options and some illusion of being in control.

I didn’t have anything fancy so it was just a dress shirt that I borrowed from Hoseok. I’d left the underwear off, eager to merely get the whole thing over with. I felt a sudden overwhelming urge to laugh out loud.

If Jungkook were here he really would have lost his damn mind, simply because of how little this whole thing affected me. And that was it, really. He was always desperate for a reaction.

Earlier when this whole thing had started, I’d obliged him with that. I would scream, rant and yell….launch myself at him like a wildcat, scratching at him , fists flying  and it was obscene, how much he seemed to enjoy that. He would press me up against walls and tables , fingers choking the breath out of my lung, just so he could see me struggle and push back.

He fed off from every negative reaction I offered him and it had taken me a long long time that the way to beat him was to become passive, unresponsive. I would go limp in his arms, stare at him blankly as he tried to manhandle me and that…that had pissed him off. Because that meant I wasn’t playing his game anymore.

If the prey wasn’t playing, the game wasn’t fun anymore. It was drab.

Boring.

And I knew that Jungkook kept raising the stakes, kept tightening the noose around my neck….just to bring that girl out again. The one that had wanted to put up a fight . The one that wanted to mouth off even with the muzzle of a gun pressed against her head. The one who would spit in his face in front of all his associates, even if it earned her a vicious strike of his hand across her face.

I shuddered. They weren’t memories I liked reliving.

Well, if that was who he wanted, I’d make sure he would never see her again.

The door opening made me jump and Hoseok came in , with a wide grin on his face.

“Baby…. Your guest for the night.” He said softly and I peered over his shoulders, my heart and mind grinding to a halt when I caught sight of what had to be the most breathtakingly beautiful man on the face of the planet.

I felt my heart begin to pound, fear taking over because this wasn’t okay. Not really. I was okay with old, creepy and disgusting , not able to get it up for more than ten minutes.

I wasn’t okay with someone who looked like they stepped right out of the latest issue of GQ.

Hoseok left quickly, closing the door behind him and the man stepped into the light, the brightness lighting up his perfect features even more. I felt my throat go dry, and fought the urge to get up and run. Growing up as the daughter of a mobster , I’d learned how to trust my instincts over appearances.

And right now, every single one of those instincts screamed at me that this man was absolutely dangerous.

“Well, you are beautiful. I’ll give you that. “ He said casually.

“Thank you.” I said stiltedly, watching as he tugged on his tie, pulling it off his neck deftly . Instead of tossing it aside , he wrapped it a bunch of times around his wrist over and over as he smiled at me.

“Don’t thank me yet. The only reason I like beautiful things is because of how easily they break.” He smiled.  “ I haven’t been with a virgin in a while…. I miss the screams.”

And there it was the full blown panic that came with stark terror. I crawled back on the bed, staring as he moved closer and there was no mistaking the look on his face, the harsh grip of his hand on my ankle telling me that I was going to regret every one of the choices that led me here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hoseok wasn’t at the airport.” Jungkook observed casually, glancing at Yoongi as the latter finished cleaning his gun carefully, eyes fixed on his weapon with utmost concentration.

“He’s holding some sort of auction tonight. Some chick …” Yoongi said casually and Jungkook hummed. It was not the kind of thing he was interested in. Anonymous bids were often boring : actresses or female idols past their prime, desperate to make some money to survive. He had no interest in those but he was a little peeved that Hoseok hadn’t told him anything about it.

Hoseok was one of Jungkook’s most trusted friends. He was almost as powerfully rich as Jungkook and the only reason Jungkook reigned supreme was because Hoseok had no interest in challenging him for the throne. Hoseok was dangerous and cunning and loyal and Jungkook was grateful to have him on his side and he had hoped to see him before leaving. Just to ask him to keep an eye on Elena.

He grimaced, hating himself.

God, he couldn’t go two hours without thinking of her. It fucked with his head, the amount of space she took up inside him. Jungkook , for all his wealth and power, was driven solely by his need to prove himself. He wanted to be powerful and terrifying yes, but more than that , he wanted people to know.

He wanted people to look him in the eye and acknowledge him for what he was : the most dangerous man in the country. He liked seeing that fear, that worship, that admiration. He got off on it. He wanted it , craved it and for some reason he craved it more from her , than anyone else.

And instead of giving him what he wanted, instead of begging on her knees for mercy, instead of licking his shoes and begging for him to let her live….she ignored him. She looked at him with defiance and pride, her chin straight and her back unbending, her gaze locked right on him like she was his fucking equal….

And Jungkook, he’d taken a lot of insults. Taken more than his fair share of hits in life …..

But when she looked at him like that , like he was something stuck to the bottom of her shoe….

Fuck it drove him wild with fury.

It made him want to teach her a fucking lesson, to remind her that he owned her because he owned everything. To break her down, snuff out the flames of defiance that burned so bright in those ember eyes… Take her into his bed and brand her with his body. Till she was on the floor, on her knees covered in his spit and cum begging for mercy….

Because no one looked at Jeon Jungkook like that and lived to tell the tale..

“Seokjin’s here. Landed in Korea a couple of hours ago. ” Yoongi said casually and Jungkook smiled a bit at that. He loved his older brother, technically a step brother and growing up he had only saw him when he visited his mother in China. That meant a couple of months a year and now as adults,  a bit more often because Seokjin loved Jungkook and liked to visit him often.

Seokjin was a celebrity trainer, working with actors and athletes and he did a good amount of modeling as well. He was rich,  handsome and well liked and the only thing that gave away the Jeon blood in him was the fact that he was a sexual sadist.

The face of an angel with a devilish streak, he had a penchant for sadism and inflicting pain on his partners and while Jungkook didn’t particularly enjoy indulging him, he knew there were women who were into that and usually had them arranged for when Seokjin dropped by in Korea. His hyung’s visit seldom lasted more than a few weeks at a time and it was a pity that he would miss out one whole week of it .

But the issue in Switzerland was a little pressing and Jungkook had to be there in person to sort it out.

He leaned back against the seat, staring out of the window, sighing.

“An unsullied dove ….What the fuck is this shit..” Yoongi muttered and Jungkook turned, curious.

“What?”

“Hoseok’s been hyping up some new girl for the auction and Seokjin hyung’s bidding on her.”

Jungkook laughed at that.

“Jungkook…..” Yoongi’s voice is completely stunned, his eyes confused as he looks up at Jungkook.”  Its Elena.”

Jungkook’s thought process came to a grinding halt.

There’s a sound between his ears, a dull rushing sound like the wind in a storm and he can’t quite comprehend what he just heard. Even Namjoon who had been buried in his laptop , looked up then, tugging an airpod out of his ear.

“Wait…did you say Elena?” His eyes were wide , lips parted in shock. Yoongi and Namjoon exchanged glances, no doubt bracing themselves for the explosion that was to follow.

Jungkook took a deep breath.

“Turn the fucking plane around.”

That jolted Namjoon out of his stunned stupor..

“Turn-? Jungkook what…. We’re on a fourteen hour flight-“ Namjoon began but the look on Jungkook’s face made him stop.

“DID I FUCKING STUTTER?”

Namjoon swore.

“Fucking hell… alright just calm the fuck down, Jesus…just put a fucking bullet in that girl’s head and spare us all the headache fuck…” He growled, unbuckling his seat belt and rushing to the cockpit and Yoongi groaned.

“ Let me guess you want me to get in touch with someone in Seoul and ask Hoseok to hold off on letting Seokjin near her…”

Jungkook glared at him.

“If you already know that why the fuck are you still here…” He growled and Yoongi gave him a look.

“Just tell her you’re in love with her and let us live, Jeon Jungkook.”

In love….. what the fuck….

He glared at Yoongi’s back, his asinine words making him madder. God he wanted to crush someone’s skull into dust with his bare hands.

And right now, in his head , that skull belonged to Jung fucking Hoseok.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 “What just happened?” I asked, frantic staring at the door as Hoseok’s men casually led a fuming Seokjin away while the man himself stared at me, looking pale as parchment.

“ Jungkook found out.” He said shortly and I felt my heart drop although I was half relieved because there had been something insane in Kim Seokjin’s gaze when he’d reached for me , a cruel glint of hunger that told me he would have hurt me really badly if Hoseok hadn’t barged into the room , frantic and worried.

He had given Seokjin a wide smile and then, “ I’m so sorry. We were waiting on her blood results and turns out she has a…. well, certain occupational disease that is very infectious.”

Seokjin’s mouth had dropped open even wider than mine.

“I thought she was a fucking virgin.” He had snapped, and I flinched at how cold and furious he had sounded.

But apparently there was a reason this whole thing had happened.

“What do you mean Jungkook knows? What does that mean?” I asked frantically, fear taking over.

“ He’s heading back here… He wants to see you.”

I felt my entire body go ice cold as I shook my head…

“No…fucking no bring Seokjin back here , he can fuck me that was the fucking deal, Hobi, please don’t../…”

“Elena , I’m so fucking sorry.. Seokjin…he’s fucked in the head…. He likes hurting his whores, likes making them bleed and he would have fucking destroyed you…”

I gaped at him horrified.

“What?!” I hissed shaking my head in disbelief.

“He’s Jungkook’ stepbrother. I’ve arranged whores for him before, I knew he was a little crazy but I’d never seen him before and I didn’t know he was the Kim Seokjin…fuck he outbid everyone and fucker looks like a fucking angel, how the fuck was I supposed to know he’s unhinged? Thankfully, I messaged Yoongi and …. Fuck… Listen… I know I paid for your sister’s surgery but you’re going to have to pay me back….”

I felt my body convulse in rebellion.

“I can’t.. You know I fucking can’t…”

“I can’t make an enemy out of Jungkook…. I can’t.” Hoseok shook his head. “ You can get out of here now if you want but I’d advise you to stay. If you run it’s only going to make Jungkook angrier.”

“WHAT DID I FUCKING DO TO HIM?!!!” I screamed, feeling my composure crumble into smithereens. “WHAT THE FUCK DOES HE WANT FROM ME?!!”

Hoseok flinched, stepping back and holding his hands up.

“Whether I want to or not, I answer to Jungkook.  I shouldn’t have done this in the first place , I’m sorry Elena.” He shook his head and stepped back like the coward that he was and I wanted to hurt him. To shake him and ask him to fucking remember who I was. That I had nothing to do with my father’s sins . That I had been a fucking marionette in his hands, had wanted nothing more than to be left alone.

I stared at him in disbelief.

“So much for being a friend…” I whispered.

His jaw tightened. But he didn’t look guilty. None of them ever did. It was like guilt didn’t exist in their world. They did what they wanted to whoever they wanted , whenever they wanted and they got away with it because that bastard’s word was law. What Jeon Jungkook wanted, he got.

“I’ll get your clothes sent in.”

I watched him leave, the door slamming shut behind him and sagged against the bed, staring at myself. What had just happened?

Was I born to endless misery and misfortune?

Couldn’t I catch a fucking break?

I’d agreed to sell myself hadn’t I? Would have even let Seokjin hurt me if that was what he wanted. Because it was one night. It was one night of this…whatever the hell this was and then freedom. That was the deal.

The door opened again and I stared as a young girl brought me a pile of my clothes neatly folded.

“Do you work here?” I said sharply.

She blinked before bowing her head.

“Yes, mistress.”

I scoffed.

“Don’t call me mistress , I’m here to get fucked, just like you. Tell me does Jungkook ever use the women here.” I demanded.

She looked trapped, glancing at the door, clearly wanting to run .

“Tell me.” I snapped and she flinched.

“I..uh..yes. Sometimes.” She said softly.

“Can you tell whoever fucks him next to kick him in the fucking balls?”

The girl bowed deeply and all but ran out and I sighed, feeling myself shaking. Jungkook was on the way here and I wanted to yell and scream and rave at him but I knew that was exactly what he wanted. I wanted to deny him the satisfaction …wanted to act all cool and composed in front of him but it was impossible…

Because I hadn’t realized just how tired I was of this whole thing, till right this moment, when the end had been in sight. I was supposed to get my two billion won pay off all the debt , give Jisoo the rest of the money and disappear. I was so tired, so tired of this life I’d gotten trapped into, slaving over for hours on end just to afford a couple of meals a day. No friends, no boyfriends, no hope of a future …..

The door banged open and I jumped, crawling back when I recognized the man who had just entered.

“Yoongi-“

“Jungkook wants to see you.” He ground out and I swallowed.

“I need to get dressed. Please just wait outside.” I said shakily.

And then the door opened further and a tall looming shadow stepped in familiar and vomit inducing.

Jungkook looked livid, piercing glinting through the dimply lit room and I stared at him. He was dressed in a tight black t shirt, he sleeves stretched thin over his biceps and the tattoos stark against his skin.

“Leave us.” He said softly and Yoongi moved away to the door leaving me alone with the devil himself. I cursed myself for not putting at least my panties on, I was naked underneath this shirt and although it was big it left nothing to the imagination.

Jungkook’s eyes raked over my form before resting on my face.

“You think you’re smart enough to outsmart me, Elena?” He whispered softly.

I swallowed.

“Send you brother back in. He can fuck me and I’ll pay you back.”

Jungkook hummed, stepping closer and grabbing my clothes from the bed, he grabbed the plain white bra and the pastel pink underwear and then to my complete and utter mortification he brought the clothing up to his face, breathing in .

“Fucking pervert!!!” I screamed, feeling the action like a physical touch and wanting to claw his eyes out and the smirk on his face told me that this was exactly what he wanted but I was too fucking gone to care.

“If you want me to be a whore, fine. I’ll be a whore. But on my terms…” I spat out and he shook his head, laughing.

“I don’t just want you to be a whore, Elena. I want everyone to know that you are one…” He dropped my clothes and moved closer, holding a hand out. “ Come here.”

I stared at the inked fingers, adorned with sterling silver rings and bracelets with the motifs of his gang. I shook my head.

“No. I’m not playing this game with you.” I turned my face away.

His hand shot out gripping my upper arm with enough strength to bruise and I screamed, agony shooting up my arm and shoulders as he dragged me off the bed and onto the floor. I landed hard, hips and elbows bruising from impact and I stared at him in disbelief.

“I’ve been to gentle with you. You’ve forgotten your fucking place.” He bent over and grabbed me by my hair, yanking me to my feet so hard that it felt like my scalp had been ripped away from my skull.

“Okay…okay…Okay Jungkook..just…!!” I said softly, flinching because my pain tolerance was almost zero and Jungkook’s grip was so hard that my eyes were beginning to water now. He let me go, grabbing my panties off the floor and tossing them at me.

“I’m going to count to five. Put those on and get out.”

He walked out of the door and I stumbled a little fumbling with the fabric before quickly, slipping my legs in and yanking it up to my waist. I made to put on something else but his voice came, loud and impatient.

“Get the fuck out here.”

I walked out of the door and he was standing there next to Hoseok. I couldn’t meet either of their gazes , hating how they had so much power over my life. I stared at the floor. It was tempting to yell at them and scream but that never led anywhere.

“ I’ve asked them to stop the payment on the Hospital bill. Seeing as Elena hasn’t kept her end of the bargain.”

I felt my breath hitch at that, willing down the tears as I glared at him.

“What do you want?” I snapped. “ Tell me who you want me to fuck…. I’ll do it. Let’s get this over with so you can go back to whatever sewer you fucking climbed out of. ….”

Hoseok’s breath caught like he couldn’t believe what I’d just said and the look in his eye was a warning but I was sick of this. Sick of them all.

Jungkook turned to Hoseok with a laugh.

“You see hyung? See why I can’t let her go? If I let her scot free, everyone’s going to think I’m a pushover….that any worthless bitch can talk to me any way she wants and get away with it….” He shook his head, staring at me with a glint in his eye. “ I’m not going to choose. They are. You think you can charm your way into Hoseok’s heart and get special treatment? You think you’re ready to be a whore, Elena? Let me show you how a real whore gets treated in Hoseok’s club.”

He gripped my wrist, yanking me behind him as he stalked off down the narrow corridor that opened up into the club. I let myself get dragged out into the club dismally aware of the fact that I was wearing nothing but Hoseok’s shirt. I could feel eyes on me but I kept mine on the back of Jungkook’s head as he dragged me all the way to the front. I knew what he was going to do and at this point I was just numb.

There was no point reasoning with the devil.

I glared at him as he pointed at the stage. “ Get up there.” He whispered harshly.

I stared back at him, not moving. I saw Jungkook’s jaw clench.

“Either you go up there by yourself, with your clothes on. Or I carry you up there, after stripping you naked. What’s it going to be? ”

I glared at him, pursing my lips before climbing up using the small stair in the side. I moved to the center, right in front of the stage lights, so the rest of the room would disappear. I had no wish to see any of the bastards in the room.

“I think all of you recognize this little beauty here, don’t you?” Jungkook’s voice was cheerful, friendly even and I bit my lips, fists clenched. “ Well, if you don’t let me tell you . This is Gong Hyo Suk’s daughter. Remember that bastard? He put a hit out on my father. Killed him and my mom on the night I was supposed to be marrying his fucking daughter. A daughter who later called off the wedding, because I was too poor now, to give her the life she deserved. ”

I felt the familiar ice cold guilt in my vein. I was seventeen, I wanted to scream. I was seventeen and all I did was say what my father asked me to say, do what my father asked me to do.

“ That was nine fucking years ago… and you know what I told myself…. I told myself, that a greedy little bitch like this, doesn’t deserve shit.” He laughed. “ If money’s what she values the most, then the only thing she deserves is to be treated like the whore she is.”

“Why don’t you guys tell me, how much money you’d be willing to spend, to fuck her? Come on, Hobi’s been treating you guys so well lets help him make some money tonight… be generous. ”

I could barely hear what they were calling out but when Jungkook climbed onto the stage next to me, I jumped. Moving back instinctively, I winced when brought a forearm around my throat nearly choking me as he dragged up against his body.

“90 million won….That’s a lot.” He grinned. “ Jihan hyung….. that was you right? You’re gonna pay 90 million won for her?”

I felt my heart race, it was a lot. More than enough for the Hospital Bills, would even leave extra to get a decent apartment somewhere... I grabbed his wrist as it pressed into my throat, trying to pull his hand off me but he just wrapped his free hand around my waist, wrapping his entire body around mine and chuckling into my hair.

Jungkook pressed his head against mine and I froze, hating the close contact.

“Okay…but since I’m feeling a bit left out here…Why don’t I pitch in… 500 Won.” Jungkook said loud and clear.

I froze. An eerie silence fell over the club, laughter stilling and the clink of glasses slowing down.

What.

I struggled to get away from his but his hold tightened.

“Anyone else?” He called out. “ Come on… Not even thousand? Surely you think this one here’s worth a thousand won? Aren’t you going to outbid me?”

No one responded of course they didn’t. Jungkook’s anger was palpable and no one was going to get on his wrong side …..

“Ahh… is that it then? Bid’s going to close for 500 won then…. Hear that baby?” He whispered against my ears and I swallowed. “ 90, million won to five hundred won in a few seconds… What does that tell you?”

“It tells me you’re a fucking psychopath in love with your own voice… Get off me.” I hissed.

“No. What it tells you is that only I get to decide how much that body of yours is worth, not you. . You don’t get to go sell your fucking body behind my back for two billion won and then pay off all your debts and ride off into the sunset, that is not how this works….”

I went limp in his arms fighting tears because he never played fair. Never.

“Hear that Hoseok-ah… I win her for the night for 500 won…fair and square…. Is that alright?” He called out into the darkness and I felt the first inkling of dread begin to seep in.

“No.. No… get off me.” I hissed and he laughed, dragging me off the stage with ease. I screamed, kicking out in disbelief.

Jungkook grinned at me, before grabbing both my arms and yanking them behind me, and I whimpered, unable to move as he easily pulled me along to the door that opened into the hallway. Behind us I heard Hoseok’s voice.

“Jungkook, don’t be impulsive. Think about whatever you’re going to do.”

I flinched at that, panic building.

“He’s not going to do anything. I’ll fucking kill him if he touches me , I-“

“Shut the fuck up, you little bitch.” He shook me hard till my teeth rattled and I sobbed out.

“Jungkook…” Hoseok warned but he merely snarled.

“I know what I’m doing hyung, just…. Don’t disturb us. And make sure everyone here knows that she’s open for business.” It was loud enough to carry through the club and I felt humiliation burn my throat, acrid like acid.

I froze in disbelief.

“Jungkook …” Hoseok’s voice held a tone of reproach.

“ And tell them that her body is amazing. Tell them she spent the night with me , the best fuck I’ve ever had , mouth made for cock.”

I stared straight ahead as he pulled me all the way to the room we had left earlier and I tripped when he shoved me inside, landing on my hands and knees . I quickly rolled back around to land on my ass, crawling back as he slammed the door shut and locked it from the inside.

He stared down at me, mouth grim.

“You do owe me a wedding night. I was so ready to fuck your tight cunt, nine years ago… I think I’ve waited long enough yeah.”

I stared at him in disbelief. I knew exactly what he wanted me to do, to yell and scream and protest and fight so he could get off and forcing me…. Fucking psychopath.

I took a deep breath and nodded.

“If you pay for my sister in laws bills, and give me an apartment sure. “ I shrugged. “You’re not any different from any of the bastards here. I don’t give a damn which one of you idiots wants to rut into me like the absolute animal that you are…. I don’t care…” I said softly.

“you don’t? Really? You want me to tell you what your brother said when one of my men put a gun into his mouth…. He begged for his life…said he had a kid on the way….” Jungkook laughed, shaking his head. “I told him it was better than what his father did…. My sister was six months pregnant when his lieutenant gunned her down on the streets.”

I shuddered, wrapping my arms around myself.

“Why are you telling me this…” I snapped.

“Because she didn’t deserve it did she, Elena? She didn’t fucking deserve to die like that , like a dog on the street when she had nothing to do with any of this…. She didn’t deserve it.” He growled, bending down and gripping my chin hard.

“Maybe she did deserve it.” I spat out. “ If I deserve to be here, maybe your sister deserved to die too. “

He snarled, hand flying to my hair and dragging me up off the floor in one sharp yank. I whimpered as he pushed me on the bed, before climbing on top of me. I felt like every bone in my body was about to snap in two, the weight of him unbearable on me.

“I won the bid tonight…. I won it fair and square… You signed the waiver didn’t you…that you agreed to the auction…I won and I’m going to fucking collect.” He growled, and I kicked out, trying to buck him off of my body.

“Get off me.” I hissed. “ I’m not letting you fuck me for 500 won.”

“How about for your Jisoo then?” He whispered and I went still.

“What?”

He chuckled, reaching down and I felt my pulse pound as he pulled his phone out, dialing quickly and turning on the speakers.

Yoongi’s voice made me go ice cold. Everyone knew what Yoongi did for Jungkook.

“Daehwan’s wife is in a hospital room in Yongsan. Hobi’s got the details. I think she’s served her purpose.”

“No!! JUNGKOOK NO!!” I  screamed , thrashing so hard my head began to spin but he grunted pressing down into me harder.

“Are you serious? I’m not home yet… I can take care of it tonight.” Yoongi said, voice casual and I sobbed, shaking my head in sheer terror.

“Okay… I’ll behave.. I promise.. please just don’t…”

Jungkook hummed.

“Well, that was easy… Yoongi-yah… why don’t you stay on the phone yeah…. Going to get that wedding night I’m owed and if my baby doesn’t co operate you know what to do, yeah?”  

I bit my lips, glaring into the sheets as he gripped my waist, pulling me up.

“Ass up like the bitch that you are, baby.” He whispered and I felt my entire body shudder in disgust. It was worse because I hadn’t done this before. Didn’t know what to expect. But I couldn’t let him know that. If Jungkook knew that I was a virgin, I could just imagine how much fun he’d have with that info.

Hands gripped my wrists, pinning them to the bed and I turned my face away when I felt the press of his lips on my cheeks. He gripped both my wrists with one hand, keeping them pinned over my head and I flinched when I felt his fingers pulling the fabric of my panties aside, just enough for the blunt head of his cock to press against my slit.

“Yoongi, you there?” Jungkook said softly and Yoongi grunted over the phone. I felt my face flame in embarrassment.

“You’re a sick bastard but I’m used to it. What’s up?” he said casually.

“Remember how we used to wonder just how tight Elena’s cunt was… back when we were in school.”

Fucking monster, I thought in disbelief. I hate him I hate him I hate him….

“Good times…” Yoongi chuckled lightly .

Jungkook pushed into me in one hard thrust and pain shot straight up my spine, my insides burning like he’d fucked me with a knife and not his body. I couldn’t stop the cry of agony that got torn of me, my eyes tearing up and tears spilling over onto my cheeks.

“Damn Jungkook, she okay?” Yoongi’s chuckle made me want to claw his face off, and just the urge to kill was growing inside me.

“Well, I can confirm that it is, in fact just as tight as we thought…” He grunted, thrusting into me at a pace that was inhumane, every push and drag of him rubbing my insides raw and I bit down on the sheets under me, afraid that I would do something absolutely humiliating, like beg him to stop.

“Good, you should let me take that tight ass for a ride someday then. With her permission of course…. I’m a gentleman after all. Big on consent.” He laughed and I swallowed the urge to tell him that I would puncture his balls with a switchblade if he came anywhere near me.  

“Oh, she’s going to do whatever I ask her to….aren’t you baby…” He grunted, “ Turn around so I can see you.”

He pulled out of me, his weight lifting off my body as he moved away. I couldn’t move, limbs numb and insides throbbing in pain . His palm landed on my thigh, hard and the sharp sting of it made me jump.

“I said turn around, I want to see your face when I fuck you.” Jungkook growled. I stayed limp, breathing hard and he grunted impatient, fingers sinking into my hair , yanking me to my knees and the movement made my legs scream in protest.

“How’s she so quiet? You fucked the voice out of her, kook-ah?” Yoongi asked amused and Jungkook pulled me by the hair, dragging me to the center and pushing me down till my head landed on the pillow.

“Hyung you should see her right now, all fucked out …. Like she’s never had a dick in her before.” He shook his head, “ Fucking slut. Take that off and hold yourself open for me.”

I stared at him, uncomprehending and he grabbed both my hands, placing them on my knees.

“Grab your knees and pull your legs back… So I can fuck that tight cunt the way I want to.” He said slowly, like I was a dog he was trying to train and I stared at him , defiantly.

“ Go to hell.” I whispered.

Yoongi’s laughter came from somewhere to the right.

“Your dirty talk needs work, Kook ah… Tell her she’s a precious little kitten and she makes you feel really good…. Bitches love that shit…”

Jungkook hovered over me, grabbing the back of my thighs and spreading them wide enough to make me whimper in pain.

“Is that so babygirl? You want me to tell you that? That you make daddy’s cock feel good?” He cooed, nudging the tip against me again and I had never hated anyone so much in my life. I stared up at his face, and he smiled at me, a cheeky little grin that made his bunny teeth stand out and for a second he looked so deceptively angelic and the glimmer of his piercing caught my eye.

I couldn’t help but swallow, gaze trained on the glint of metal on his tongue.

“You like that?” He grinned suddenly, sticking his tongue out for me to see, I felt my eyes widen at how sinfully good he looked .” Hyung she likes my tongue piercing.”

“Show her how it feels on her clit.” Yoongi laughed and I could barely fully process what I heard before Jungkook was crawling down my body, arms, curling on my thighs and yanking me onto his tongue .

I felt the press of his tongue on my slit, licking right into me and the jolt of pleasure was so unexpected, the pleasure so unwanted and yet so overwhelming and I couldn’t stop the way my body thrashed against the streets, lips parted as I practically mewled out in pleasure.

“Definitely a kitten…” Yoongi called out and I shuddered as Jungkook slipped two fingers into me , the ice cold press of his ring inside me making me jump. I wanted to pull away, grab his hair and yank him off but I couldn’t because it was

“Next time I’ll put the dick piercing in too, yeah? Fuck you with a bit of metal on my cock so you can feel that up there…. ” He laughed into my thighs and I screamed when he bit into the flesh there , hard.

“I’m getting bored… Either turn on facetime so I can at least jerk off to this , or I’m hanging up…” Yoongi called out .

“Hyung she clenches down on me every time she hears your voice… Just stay on for a few more minutes yeah, she tastes so fucking good, I’m gonna cum soon….” Jungkook added another finger, slipping in deep before spreading them apart inside me. I whimpered when he pushed his tongue in between the wet digits, licking into my walls and I could feel the ball of his piercing drag against my walls, ice cold and hard.

Was it fucked up that I did clench down on him again, my body apparently a slave to my base desires even as my mind screamed that he was the absolute worst bastard on the face of the planet.

“Elena, you owe me a blowjob at least for this…” Yoongi called out and I glared at the phone.

“I’ll bite your fucking dick off if you come anywhere near me.” I snapped.

“Fuck, I could get off just to that mouthy fuckhole of hers…..” Yoongi grunted.

Jungkook pulled away, climbing back up over me and lightly slapping my breasts.

“Now, how about you open that mouth and let me fuck it?”

Yoongi snorted from behind us and Jungkook glared at the phone before glaring at me again.

“Well?”

“You want to know how hard I can bite?” I said sharply, the pleasure ebbing away into nothing and resentment taking it place, the momentarily physicality of the situation fading and the reminder of who he was and who I was entering my sex addled brain.

“No.. You’re right…. But you know what, I’m not feeling it anymore. I was right.. you really aren’t qualified to be my whore. Your body…it’s frigid like a fucking popsicle…such a fucking turn off. ” He reached over and hung up on the phone.

“Now…”he whispered, leaning in closer and I yelped, when his fingers closed over my throat..” Shut your mouth and take what I give you like a grateful bitch.”

I swallowed when he pushed into me again, his pace steady as he fucked into me, eyes closed and I realized that he was almost fully dressed having just unbuttoned himself enough to get his cock out.

When he stiffened, spilling into me his eyes blew open and he locked eyes with me, wide eyed and for one horrible second he looked young and vulnerable and hurt.

I blinked as he pulled out, the sticky warm mess of his cum dripping down my inner thighs and onto the sheets.

“Well, that was much worse than I thought it would be.”  He said and I stayed on the bed as he grabbed his phone and buttoned himself back up.

He smirked at me and then reached into his pocket.

I quickly pulled myself together, ignoring the aches and pains and getting to my knees before reaching for my dress on the bed. it was kind of pointless because I still had Hoseok’s shirt on and I wasn’t going to take that off in front of Jungkook.

“Well, I’m a man of my word , Elena so…here you go..just as we discussed.” He tossed a coin on the bed and I stared at the engraved 500 on the shiny surface, feeling my rage swell inside me.

“If you still want to work out a payment plan for your sister’s bills …. Why don’t you come to my office tomorrow?” He tossed his card on the bed before  moving away to the door.

Fucking bastard.

Author’s note : My whole life is filled with regrets .