#IM GONNA FAINT I FUCKING HATE NEEDLES THAT WAS SO HARD

[whumpy-wyrms]

I JUST GOT MY FIRST T SHOTTTT!!!!!!!!!! :DDDD

[lastoneout]

My chronic pain is in such a weird place rn.

Like I'm mostly ok during the day as long as I t do anything too strenuous, but when I try to sleep it gets worse and bugs me all night, and when I wake up my knees just hurt until I get going.

And its still bad enough during the day that I havent been able to take the dogs out on walks which isnt good for me or them cuz it's usually the only kind of exercise I get, plus I've barely been able to do more than half an hour of chores.

And I'm drinking soda again even though I tried to stop since given that I don't get a lot of activity I've been gaining weight and my teeth already suck so soda is Bad but the new pain meds they have me on make me super fucking nauseous even when I eat and the only thing that helps is ginger ale and I cant afford the expensive healthier stuff so I'm stuck drinking Canada Dry which is terrible for me but I cant just be nauseous all day so idk I guess I'll die.

Plus I found out that my mom, grandma and my aunt are all really sensitive to most anesthetics so when my pain management specialist does the weird 'stick big ass needles into my knees' thing I likely will have to be awake and I'm fucking terrified of needles and they wont let my boyfriend come back with me so I'm legit worried I'm gonna faint which idk at least I'll be out for it but ugh

And tbh I kinda hate my primary for a lot of reasons but when he refers me out to places he keeps sending me to these clearly franchised for-profit clinics which dont really give off the vibe that they particularly give a shit about me so on top of my primary being a sexist pos who is about a month away from totally giving up on me I have to deal with these impersonal doctors who just wanna shove pain meds at me and call it a day. I mean they legit just asked if I wanted pain meds. I thought my doctor was supposed to look at my chart and help determine what would be the best course of action for my particular problems but no she just asks what I want to do despite the fact that I am not a medical professional and then just does whatever I suggest while half-heartedly chiming in with weird ideas I've never heard of. Like that is not??? What doctors are supposed to do??? I thought?????

And my primary is legit about to just give up on me. Like it took me years to get someone to take my pain seriously and now that he's sent me to a handful of specialists who have quickly decided that they can't help he bascially just shrugged and asked 'what my life would be like if they never could figure out what was causing the pain' and I'm like?? Bitch Im only 23 and you, without determining the cause, are completely comfortable with condemning me to a life of pain??? Like the pain management thing legit feels like a death sentence. It feels like end of life care and it's so disheartening to go there and have them solve hydrocodone in my face and call it a day like the solved any of my problems. I do not react well to opioids and so I cant take them and then go to work. It doesn't even fully get rid of the pain! So I'm just supposed to spend the rest of my days suffering in a drug induced haze doing nothing because even sitting in a normal chair for more than an hour hurts like hell??

Plus the social security office denied my disability claim despite my doctor bascially giving up and saying I'm disabled and all of the people I called who are supposed to help me appeal it either said they were too busy or legit said that since I'm so young it would be too hard to prove I cant work so its not even worth the time to try.

So what I'm too young to be suffering like this but I'm also apparently old enough that my doctor is willing to give up on me. Wtf am I supposed to do then???

Like lord this whole process has been a neverending nightmare and I'm so fucking tired and I dont want my life to be over I don't want this to stop me but if no one is willing to help I don't know how I'm supposed to manage. I want to go to school but I dont have a car and it's too hard to take the bus everywhere when standing for more than an hour or two hurts. Even if I got a wheelchair I would still have to push myself around and the closest bus stop is up big hill covered in gravel and sand that isnt exactly accessible.

Like...what am I even gonna do.