#Id sobered up a lot at that point but was like yknow what sure why not lol when z asked

[incorrect-hs-quotes]

Why doesn’t mod Dave (I think) like Davekat? I’m not trying to be all “omg that’s homophobic” just curious

oh nfdkgjdj youre good! i gotcha lmao

im gonna put this under a read more cause i KNOW this is gonna get long. i know a lot of you ship davekat and yallre valid as hell but i just. Dont ship it and if you dont wanna scroll past all this then blacklist “long” or “anti davekat”

but if youre curious then. h. here we go

-mod dave

so first things first, again, im not shitting on any davekat shippers personally. hell i think the OTHER two mods of this blog ship it and i know that a whooooole ton of you guys do too. i love yall, this is just how i see davekat itself

to me though its just. not.. a substantial ship. yknow? and to top it all off i have the humongous fucking aroace headcanon that ive pinned to dave since he first showed up in the comic anyway

first things first my headcanon plays into the matter. i saw a lot of myself in him since i started reading in 2015, a lot of his phrasings and the way hed skitter around talking about love for like half the comic was a HUGE and RELATABLE thing for me. i get that a gay kid could also easily do those things the same reason an aroace kid could, not knowing how falling outside of “ThE nOrM” would go, sure, but. me kin id ya know

he didnt understand quadrants at all and refused to talk about them when the other kids did understand, or at least were interested in the topic. dave? completely shut it down like the second it was brought up. and oh god when itd get to specifically HIS quadrants? remember that whole entire memo when karkat told him and john not to talk to vriska and terezi anymore? literally dave the whole time “okay are we done. can we not. can we not. are we done. oh my god. great next”

so with all the instances like that going down my headcanon was born. and holy hell is that motherfucker hard to drop

dealing with actual dave ships in general? almost all of them are either broken off asap or skitted around without actually talking about them at all, minus like an off-hand mention or two. example: the three year trip. davesprite breaks up with jade for a reason implied to be “hes not the real dave” and thats it. cmon now

pre retcon meteor trip. sure terezis in the mix but again we never really get any actual substance in the comic. we get “DID DAVE BREAK UP WITH YOU?” once from karkat to terezi during openbound. and to tie this all back into davekat? pre retcon davekat doesnt.. happen. at all. its just two bros being dudes. hell they end up dropping the terezi quadrant notion anyway by the time they get to the alpha session

POST RETCON. suddenly vriska shows up and theyre… magically in a relationship

i get they had other things to focus on when vriska wasnt there yeah. but if rosemary can be a consistent factor, drunk rose or sober rose, vriska or no vriska, then shouldnt davekat, a ship implied to be the mlm equivalent to rosemary, have done the same thing? terezi was still there and its a little unrealistic that vriska took up so much of terezis time that dave and karkat would go “oh.” and just drop her altogether

and even after the retcon the only romantic thing that even happens between dave and karkat is a lot of other people going ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) at them, assuming thats whats going on, with no actual confirmation from either party. that and the fact that karkats last line off dialogue was “I HOPE HE’S OKAY.” worrying about dave. 

like. SHIT i hope SOLLUX is okay but you dont see me head over heels with a romantic crush on the dude do you ?? i GUSH about the fucker but i can assure you all i aint any less aromantic than before yall knew how much i appreciate a good captor

my whole point is davekat is written like it was a last minute add in solely as a nod toward mlm when there were so many other better suited people with a history and chemistry and personalities that actually could have fit together. JOHNKAT fit together. yall remember johnkat? or there could have been a dirkjake revival that focused on dirk bettering himself and them working toward a healthier relationship. or maybe tavros could have stayed alive and he and gamzee could have gone in further in whatever direction they kind of went in. we could have even had a canon kismesisitude between sollux and eridan, or- hear me out- a fuckin. CANON PALE DAVESOL if his ass STAYED ON THE METEOR,

long story short, i dont like davekat as a ship cause its rushed as hell and i self project on anything that resembles me in the least and thank you for coming to my ted talk

[scadplaysdnd]

a reflection

aka “holy fuck mom its been a year”

just warning yall now this is about to get hugely personal and if you’d rather not see insight of the worse sides of me or what’s been going on behind the scenes then i fully understand not reading this. i wont be offended. this is kind of as much for myself as it is anyone else.

so there have been a couple times in my life where ive had to look at myself and go “if i dont reach out for help of some kind, something really bad is going to happen”. around this time last year was one of those times. i was three credits shy of getting my degree and the last thing i needed to do was an internship, which would have started around this time and finished up by the end of 2016. i would have finished my education and gotten my degree.

and then i would have died.

id known this fact for a couple months now but as we were reaching two months from the end of the year i had this thought--maybe i should like, not do that??? so i put the internship on hold. i took a semester off on medical leave. while all of this was going on, kelly and erik had come to me asking me if i wanted to play dnd. i said sure, though i was pretty wary. id only ever played dnd once beforehand and it ended really badly--basically my character died and the rest of the party kind of callously left her behind which hurt and sucked.

ANYWAY i came up with the basic concept for tami. i know i wanted to play an orc because it was always weird to me that orcs are like the stereotypical and defacto villains that most parties are pitted against from the very beginning--what must it be like to be one of those people? but i wanted her to also diverge from the typical orc playable character, in that she was going to be quiet, stealthy, dexterous, and “level headed” (in quotes because yknow her emotions are something she’s always struggling with).

basically tami naruto jumping through the trees was always a key character concept from the word go.

but character creation is easy for me. ive been doing it nonstop since i was 10 years old. i also joined a new roleplay group around this same time. creative endeavors are something i can still pursue rather easily even in the throes of the worst mental breakdowns. in fact, its probably the reason ive survived most of them.

and i had no idea how much dnd was going to be that.

by this point, things were getting really bad and we were basically deciding what to do with me. my support network as ill call them (basically my therapists and doctors) were thinking i needed to be admitted into some kind of program and i agreed with them. but they wanted me to go to an inpatient program--essentially either being hospitalized or cut off from everything while i was taught how to yknow. not die.

but i didnt want to be cut off from everything. i wanted to play dnd. it was pretty much the only thing i had going for me at the time, since i wasnt doing any work or school. not to mention most of my irl friends were still in school or just generally busy and it was pretty much the only social thing i had to look forward to.

of course, that wasnt the only thing. in general, i just really didnt like the idea that i wouldnt be able to have a phone or computer for xyz months, quite literally being cut off from everyone and everything, including all of my essential coping mechanisms that have been keeping me alive thus far. but really, i knew that if i left the campaign just as it was starting for what would probably be months, i wouldnt be able to come back. and i didnt want that.

so i put my foot down and we got me enrolled in a local outpatient program. every day for 5 hours, i had to go to group therapy and learn how to Not Die. i had to go completely sober. i had to get drug tests. it was......hard, to say the least. it was scary and frankly humiliating to get to that point where i had to be constantly monitored to make sure i wasnt a danger to myself or others--even more so that it was justified.

every day we’d have to check in, let them know what our level of suicidal ideation was among other things, and i remember for those first few months, it was never none for me. but as long as it was passive, it was alright. in response, we were supposed to take a step back and look for things to live for, and look forward to. every friday we had to write about what we were planning on doing for the weekend.

and every friday i wrote the same thing: dnd.

it was honestly everything i needed during this time. i was going through a pretty rough period of agoraphobia and social anxiety, but once a week every week i got to be social as someone who wasnt myself. my experience with dnd hadnt been much up until that point, but almost none of you guys had played before. i felt almost an obligation to make a character that was somewhat take charge and open, in an effort to coax you guys out for the same. its kind of hard to remember at this point considering where we all are now, but at the beginning there, i know it was rough for a lot of us. i felt like i had to take charge, which was so the opposite of how i was actually living my life at the time.

and it was...nice. tami is much more confident and forthright than i am, and i had to force myself out of a lot of comfort zones to put myself in that place. but as weeks went on, it became easier, both in and out of character. all yall nerds are busy now but back then we were hanging out practically every night and it gave me a chance to not be alone with everything i was going through. unlike with say, the roleplay group, i wasnt just my character--i also got be myself with you guys. i got to rediscover who i was and could be during a time where i really didn’t see myself as anything worthy, let alone anything at all. plus, my connections to others has always been a driving force of me Not Dying and being able to be a part of such a blossoming close group was essential while living at home with little contact to my other friends.

and this went on for months. in that time, through the program, i was able to learn some essential, new coping mechanisms. i discovered some trauma that was affecting me way more than id given it credit for and was able to start working through it in a way that i hadn’t for years. through helping and supporting the others in my group, i was able to do the same for myself.

while all this was going on, i was constantly doodling tami and others in the margins of my notes. i was singing the praises of the group and the campaign to my program, whose members also became somewhat invested in the story and started asking me every week what had happened. it became such a huge part of my identity and every day that soon members of the program began to identify me with the game itself. it played such a huge role in my recovery.

but by march, i had graduated the program. id started up my internship, and was on my way to getting my degree. i got a nepotism job at my dads company, and i was actually leaving my house on a fairly regular basis. i dont want to say that it was all sunshine and rainbows because it wasn’t. i still had some pretty dark periods, and there were times that if you asked for a check in, i wouldnt be able to honestly say that there was no suicidal ideation.

but i kept on. and the only consistent thing throughout all of this was dnd. i started my own campaign on top of all of that, which has been an adventure in and of itself. tami has been through a lot, both through what has happened and general character development. it would be impossible not to after a year, even if it hasn’t been nearly as long in game. 

i thought i had some sort of linear progression to all of this, and this would be the point where i wrap it up all neat and say that im all better and its all because of dnd but that.....isn’t true. its not true in life OR dnd, and i think thats why i like the game so much?? its narrative for sure, but there’s also so much uncertainty and surprise that you don’t get in general writing or roleplay. not everything works out plainly and neatly, with things being completely fucked just by a dice roll. it can be just as messy as life is. which is funny because thats exactly what i used to HATE about the game, and why i didnt want to play in the first place. i didnt want to not have control over the narrative. i didnt want to not have control over MY narrative

but i needed to give up that control if i was ever going to get help. i needed to put my safety, my mental health, my life into other peoples hands. i needed help and i needed connections--and thats kind of what dnd is all about. and in the end, it still might not matter. our characters can still die, the story can still go in a way that not even the dms are prepared for, we might not save the world.

BUT WE ALSO MIGHT!! we’re going to work together and try our best and do everything in our power to fulfill our own quests, help one another, and create a greater good for ourselves and the world around us!!! and its like yeah, im not fully recovered, i dont think full recovery is ever going to really be an option for me, but i can keep going, and i know im always going to have the support of yall and the people who care about me. that means more to me than you could ever know.

and not to be a downer but like...im still going to die, someday. maybe in the ways that i thought, or maybe not. and in the meantime i might not figure out my life plan or get an amazing job or even move out anytime soon. but for once, that thought isnt as paralyzing and world ending as it was this time last year. its okay for things to be uncertain. its okay that things might not work out neatly in the end. and i think dnd played a huge role in helping me come to terms with that.

so remember like four paragraphs ago when i said i was going to start wrapping this up?? lmao for anyone who made it this far, i salute you and thank you. this game has been really important to me but more so its YOU PEOPLE. you guys are just such a wonderful and awesome group of people and its been a privilege taking this journey with you for this last year--and for many more years to come! we’ve been at this for two months in game and who knows where we’ll all be this time next year or the year after or even more after that. i dont know!!!! and thats okay

love yall im gonna go order a pizza now peace  ✌ ✌ ✌ (i have had nothing to drink thanks)