#If Abe get can get to first-and-a-half base with Cleo

[clonehighdoublehelix]

[velvetvexations]

i refuse to watch the clone high revival.

IT AIN'T GOOD

This is my full review I posted in a server back when it aired:

The cast changes are one of the biggest issues. It completely throws the whole dynamic off because they lost Ghandi, who, admittedly, was inconsequential in terms of long term character relationships even if he was like half the show, but they add THREE new people who are all supposed to be way more relevant to the serialized story. Two fall very flat and one is okay but still misplaced. Let's talk about that. Confucius, at first, seems like the obvious 1:1 replacement for Gandhi because he's a cheery dude who partakes in silly antics. He's not a full Gandhi clone [copy] because unlike Gandhi, who had a habit of just assuming he was cool and proceeded to act like it, Confucious is, like, trying to get popular on Tikstagram, I guess? That honestly didn't really come up a lot, he just sort of drifts around being there whenever they need a guy who's not JFK or Abe. Then near the end he ends up in a relationship with Harriet Tubman, which is like, okay, because she's the only character even more generic than he is. Seriously, there is NOTHING about Harriet, absolutely nothing, I can say about her personality beyond "once was briefly concerned about turning into a wine mom". Her design being completely unrecognizable as a historical figure really plagues her whole character, like I truly in my heart of hearts believe that if you read the scripts they would all say "TBD Woman of Color".

Which brings us to the sidelining of Cleo. In the first season, Cleo was a major character and focus of several episodes. She was the person JFK was dating, that Abe wanted to date, and that Joan was rivals with. The entire show revolved around that relationship chain. So it's super fucking weird that Cleo goes several episodes into the second season before she gets more than a handful of lines. Here's why I think that is: Obviously, the second season had to be finished or very nearly finished by the time the Cleopatra [Queen Cleopatra (2023)] stuff blew up recently, but I think even before that we've hit a point where people are a lot more aware that Cleopatra was not Egyptian Egyptian and that her portrayal as such in the first season would get a little more side-eyed. This is even more true considering the mandated loss of Gandhi, as she and him were the only non-white leads. Adding two or three more PoC characters made sense! But being so awkward with the handling of Cleo, who did at least manage to wiggle back into the main plot a little, was still weird, and it sucks that two of the three added PoC characters were so badly handled. So which one worked? Frida Kahlo was pretty cool. I don't know nearly enough about the IRL person, but I can at least define her character on the show as the hyper-chill laid back girl and she had several funny jokes, and based on the little I do know of who she is, they referenced her being an artist several times as well as her distinctive physical appearance. Also, apparently her bisexuality, because Frida ends up with Cleo. And, you know, that's fine, but fucking Cleo? Can I please get an episode or three or six or an entire season just about Cleo realizing she's gay, because fucking what? It comes out (ha) that Frida likes Cleo and from there it's like, cool, she just has to have the courage to tell her, but that makes no sense. Even in this season Cleo has multiple jokes about being The Girl Who Is Hyper-Competitive And Puts Down Other Girls, like from top to bottom the stereotypical cheerleader of 2003, because, hey, the whole premise is that the clones were frozen in 2003 and were just unfrozen! can I get anything dealing with that beyond Abe almost saying the r-word in the first episode? *The old clones are from 2003, the new characters were raised since then and that generation gap is actually interesting when properly explored which it barely fucking is.

Okay. Moving on. There's another new character, Christopher Columbus's clone who goes by Topher Bus because he doesn't want to be attacked for it, and that's the first of several funny jokes we get from him that make him way more likable than the show wants him to be. He's given the early flaw that he's a dick online, but not even in a racist way or anything like that? In fact, he's generally shown to be pretty woke, and the main cast casually shove him out of the way when he tries to get involved with things! If they wanted to depict someone who like, pretends to be woke but really is an asshole or something, they do a terrible job of it and have him come off more like someone who's trying but keeps getting kicked for literally zero reasons. "Oh, but he's mean online!" Yeah, to JFK, who was an asshole like literally last week from the perspectives of the older clones. I don't mind JFK getting hit with the likability stick, but like with Cleo being into women it comes out of nowhere aside from the Abe Says a Slur joke where that contrasts JFK being told he's so sex positive for a lame cringe reference to wanting to fuck and you're clearly meant to think "ah, the roles have been reversed, now JFK is just a confidant bro while Abe is in danger of being an angry loser incel", but it just! Needs! More! Development than that! One interesting part of that dynamic flip is that now instead of Joan secretly pining for Abe while Abe openly pines for Cleo, Abe is secretly pining for Joan while she continues to date JFK as in the first season's finale. It gets kind of lost in the politics of the gender swap, though. Like, Abe is now in that incel space, and he tries to manipulate Joan and then feels real bad about it and stops, but taking the way that's framed with other things that happen this season it's like, oh, it's bad for a guy to manipulate a girl like this, even though Joan did that exact kinna thing back in season one and it was more just "lol wacky hi-jinx!". I'm not trying to be all Misandry Double Standard here, but it's one more reason why it would always be really hard to modernize this show in the first place. Another thing about Abe along similar lines is the musical episode, where a big deal is made of Abe having White Guy Confidence, and that is fucking astounding to me. Like, what? Abe is a constantly anxious loser who is fully aware of that fact, I get that White Guy Confidence is a thing but why the hell is Abe getting tagged with it and not JFK, who absolutely has always suffered White Guy Confidence? Beyond the fact that JFK is now a cinnamon roll out of thin air and Abe's new arc is about avoiding the MRA trap?

In that same subplot you had Sacagawea, George Washington Carver, and Kublai Khan fighting to be exceptional enough to shine despite Abe's white mediocracy, and again like with the primary additions nothing is ever done with either who they were or who they are now. They are literally just there because Non-White, which I want to stress I'm not railing against as a concept, but their lines could be given to literally anyone. GWC was actually in the first season, I'm not sure about the others, and there were some Goddamn peanut jokes! Maybe boiling him down to peanuts is an unconsciously racist meme, as is boiling down all of Black science to "the peanut guy", but if the new series is above that then maybe use fucking someone else you are comfortable reflecting in a humorous cartoon fashion that people will understand? It's not necessarily a race thing, like "oh they were overly cautious with the PoC characters". I can think of one joke offhand - not that it was the only one, just the only one I can think of - where the minor characters had a reference to their historical selves, and that was technically delivered by JFK. Between that and how generic Confucius and Harriet are, I feel like the whole idea, the first word in the title, just completely went out the window. In the first season, beyond spear-carrying "some bit character in this large crowd needs to provide a reaction to something", you'd never have an extended scene where a minor character wasn't making a historical reference. It might seem logical to allow them to be more than that, but think about it: these are, after all, minor characters. With the main cast, not every line has to be Nothing Bad Ever Happens to the Kennedys, but it's like when The Flintstones has everyone go to New Rock City to see The Rockles play a 60s pop song. It's like, what in God's name is the point then?

A few days later:

Okay. I think I've mediated on it enough. I can now give my opinion on a reworked season two. Here's what I would have done, assuming only that the mandate Gandhi be absent is absolute: The group dynamic more or less starts the same, with Joan dating JFK and Abe pining for her, it's a great reversed setup. Abe starts to drift in an incel direction, but Topher is there to provide the "don't get this bad" warning that keeps him on the straight and narrow. Joan and JFK quickly realize they aren't working out, and Joan figures maybe she wants to try lesbianism, because she just seems so much like she would be a WLW. She starts to go out with Frida while JFK teams up with Abe and basically acts as the new Gandhi in terms of silly comic relief who's often hanging out with the protagonist. They support each other in Abe getting with Joan and JFK getting back with Cleo, who's started going out with Topher partly because she's desperate for a boyfriend she actually enjoys being with and partly because she really hates having lost both Abe and JFK to Joan, but Topher is actually also in love with Joan, which puts him at odds with both Abe and JFK. Eventually Joan realizes she isn't gay but Cleo realizes she is and Cleo and Frida get together, which is extra emotionally satisfying because Joan lost someone to her this time. The wacky misadventures of Principle Scudworth and Butlertron are basically the same as they are in season two as it exists, the addition of Candide Sampson wasn't bad at all and overall those b-plots were pretty good with the exception of the really terrible Butlertron origin episode, but the end result in the season finale is all the clones being frozen again just as Joan is about to pick between JFK and Abe. Confucious and Harriet Tubman are not present.

At the time I did not propose further characters of color to replace either Confucious and Harriet and would have to think on it a lot to figure something out. Probably people other than me would be better at selecting good fits that are recognizable to an American audience. I also didn't solve the issue of Cleopatra not being Egyptian, but maybe they find out she's actually the clone of a less well-known Egyptian woman who started claiming to be Cleopatra for the clout? That's certainly something Cleo would do.

[watach-blog]

20 Years of The World Football Phone-In

Last week, I travelled to the BBC’s media city studios for the recording of the 20th anniversary of 5Live’s classic The World Football Phone-In. It was a genuine privilege to speak to Tim Vickery, Dotun Adebayo, Paul Sarahs and fans who travelled to be there.

I wrote a piece that was published by Planet Football - Read it here. Here was my original, longer, draft that I whittled down to something more digestible:

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In the middle of the night, a production team at the BBC’s Salford studios are hard at work. They’re broadcasting BBC Radio 5Live’s ‘Up All Night’, a nightly discussion programme that covers current affairs with regular news and sport bulletins. Once a week, at around 02:00 every Saturday, The Real Sounds Of Africa’s cult Italia ’90 anthem ‘Soccer Fan’ plays out, signalling two hours of eclectic football chat - ‘The World Football Phone-In’.

This weekend it celebrated 20 years on the airwaves, and in that time it’s built up a dedicated following from around the world. Growing from a 5 minute quick round-up from Tim Vickery in South America, it has since grown into a two-hour weekly extravaganza with other correspondents from elsewhere.

Alternating between recording studios in Salford and London, nightowl presenter Dotun Adebayo will be one hour into the ‘Up All Night’ slot that runs from 01:00 until 05:00.

Each week, he’s joined on the line by South American football expert Tim Vickery. Sat in the front room of his family home in Rio De Janeiro, “domestic chaos” going on around him at around midnight local time. He makes sure that the dog is suitably occupied, as far away from the microphone as possible. Remarkably, he hasn’t missed a recording in the entire twenty year run.

A rotating cast of other regional experts join the conversation each week. Jon Arnold, based in Fort Worth, Texas, covers football in North and Central America. Mark Gleeson in Cape Town covers African football. John Duerden calls in from Seoul talking Asia. Mina Rzouki and Paul Sarahs talk Europe.

Around the world, there are thousands tuning in. In New Delhi, Anand Mann will be listening. There, it’s 06:00 or 07:00 in the morning (depending on the time of year). Almost without fail, this is how he begins his Saturday.

A Bayern Munich fan and avid South American football enthusiast, Anand has listened to the programme since 2004. He’s become a regular caller - you’ll find him asking for the lowdown on the rivalry between Gremio and Internacional, for example. Inspired to such an extent by the World Football Phone-In, he travelled across South America a few years ago, attending live matches along the way. “It is hard to follow football in Argentina from India as the matches are usually from 03:00 to 07:00AM.” he tells me. “The World Football Phone-In helps in keeping track.”

He is not the only one whose path has been impacted by the World Football Phone-In; Joseph Sexton, who lives in Spain and writes for Marca and The Sportsman, says “It's been an absolutely massive influence.

“I already had applied to do Spanish as a joint honours for my degree. When I got to second year, I jumped at the chance to add Portuguese. Inspired by South America as Tim told it, in the way that few can match for storytelling, but also by Andy Brassell.”

Now, Andy Brassell, World Football Phone-In alumnus, often calls him to speak about Spanish football for his European Football Show on Talksport.

Others who write about the game feel the same, all over the world. Adam Brandon, who lives in Arica, Chile and Simon Edwards in Medellin, Colombia discuss South American football for the World Football Index’s podcast series, and both have listened for many years. Brandon told me what he thought makes it stand out: “I think the fact WFPI looks at football with a social conscious is the key to its success”

“Often you hear people say they like the show even if they don't have a keen interest in football. I think the writing and podcasts I do also try and give some social context too so in that sense it has probably influenced me.”

Paul Sarahs, who has worked as the European correspondent for the past five years, told me what a privilege it is to appear. “I’ll never get a gig that I’m proud of, or more happy to be a part of than The World Football Phone-In. It’s an institution - to be part of it is sensational”.

For a certain type of football obsessive, The World Football Phone-In is the gold standard.

To celebrate 20 years of the programme, Friday night featured a special bumper four hour edition. The timing could hardly have been better, with the draw for next summer’s World Cup having just taken place, the Copa Libertadores concluding with a Gremio triumph, and the European leagues ramping up to their most hectic period of the season. There’s plenty to talk about, and plenty of reminiscing to be done, too.

Fans were invited to sit in on the recording in Salford, and about 30 long-time listeners travelled from all around the UK to be there. One dedicated fan, Henrik, even flew in from Copenhagen. “I enjoy the community feel of it as much as I enjoy the content. You switch it on and it’s like walking into a family room”, he tells me.

Nothing demonstrates that sense of inclusivity than the scene of 30 footballing obsessives, wearing shirts from around the world - Iran, Argentina, Romania feature - all congregating to do an all-nighter and contribute to four solid hours of global football discussion. One fan, Simon, a baker from Cornwall, couldn’t make it but sends up fifty pasties for the party.

Tim Vickery is there in person, having flown in from Rio earlier that day. Paul Sarahs is there too, and global correspondents Jon Arnold, Mark Gleeson and John Duerden are all available via Skype. Between them, the 32 teams going to the World Cup from FIFA’s six confederations are covered.

Dotun Adebayo, wearing a Nigeria jersey and well into the spirit of the occasion, ably manages to tie everything together, but not without a few extra surprises. Former contributors Mani Djazmi (Asia) and Sean Wheelock (North America) have returned on the line for one night only, and there’s a special congratulations message from Andy Brassell, who can’t go without being reminded of one of the phone-in’s most hilariously confrontational callers.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqVae1t9on8

There’s a slightly anarchic feeling to the evening, as the live audience are invited to contribute as much as they feel, alongside the many experts on hand. It’s this kind of looseness that is the programme’s biggest strength - Adebayo will take any thread and just run with it. There’s a focus on contemporary issues but without a strict agenda, the conversation has room to breathe and go unexpected places.

The content is often a refreshing antidote to so much of the dominant dialogue around football. Given it’s name, it’s only natural that the The World Football Phone-In skirts away from the most glamorous European leagues and players, but it also shows a contempt for any notions of football starting in 1992 and “the Premier League era”. Tim Vickery in particular has an unrivalled knack for storytelling, and every week features excellent anecdotes.

It’s a programme that celebrates the vibrancy of the global game, at a time when it’s easy to be jaded. The corruption scandals of FIFA, the often underwhelming state of international summer tournaments, and the monopolisation of the world’s best players at an elite few oil rich clubs.

Adebayo, Vickery and company all recognise that ultimately football is still fun. That the prestige of the World Cup still tops anything else, in spite of the marketing cache of club football and the sensationalism of the transfer market and Sky Sports News. That there is colour and passion still to be found in far-flung corners of the globe.

There’s a rapport between the contributors, who never take themselves or the sport too seriously. Adebayo has a real skill for steering the show from between being outrageously silly to insightful and analytical. After the deaths of Johan Cruyff and Carlos Alberto, the contributors celebrated their lives and contributions to football in a fitting manner.

There is a poignant part of the anniversary evening, as two deserved holders of the programme’s hallowed “Brazilian shirt names”, only given to exceptional and regular callers, are invited to the BBC’s studios in London and join every via video link. Cleo, known as  The Book, and Andrew, also known as The Gent, have been calling for years and part of The World Football Phone-In’s fabric. They’ve both experienced personal hardship over the last year, and the tribute that is paid to their contributions was both moving and heartfelt.

The Brazilian shirt names are just part of a wider lexicon that is unique to the show. There’s an entire glossary that could be made from the injokes and repeated references. For the uninitiated, it might seem impenetrable on first listen, but Adebayo’s warm and welcoming demeanour nullifies that soon has you feeling part of the club. Tim Vickery thinks it’s integral to the show’s dedicated following, and its longevity: “It has those little injokes, where if you listen every week, you’re part of it.

“Anyone who spends a little bit of time will get to know the little silly injokes that we have. I love that, and I think that’s absolutely crucial to the identity of the show. But without being self indulgent, it’s inclusive, anyone can join in.”

Adebayo and Vickery, as the weekly regulars, define the programme. One thing that you get with a partnership that has lasted such a long time, is the rapport they’ve build and the genuine sense of friendship and camaraderie. Adebayo stresses that the phone-in is much more than a football chat show, and therein lies its biggest strength: “We’re not even talking about football half the time, or so it seems, but it’s a broader church than that.

“Football is used as a prism to talk about so many other things - to entertain people, to have some jokes alongside the way, but also to have some great conversation.”