#If my cat doesn't kill me in my sleep then goddammit what was even the point in getting a cat

[dnalt-d2]

(probably gonna delete this later idk)

So this isn't Q S M P related but I need to scream into some uncaring void about this so

But I just spent MUCH longer on a project than I really should have (because life is a bitch and chooses the worst times to decide to kick you in the nonexistent dick) and WAY too much of said project was some very tedious nonsense

Like not difficult, but irritating and time-consuming. Basically arranging things in a way to look more coherent in a project file

And of course, I finish it, I get it all done, but decide to add one last part, and subsequently place it where it needs to go

Only to accidentally click on the wrong button

And find out

That there's been a shortcut to this thing I've been doing

This entire goddamn time

LITERALLY mere moments after finishing the project

If anyone needs me,

Don't

[gubes-sweaters]

Mind, Body, and Soul 3

Authors Note: This is a Spencer Reid AU inspired by @subspencer​ . This is their original idea and thanks again to them for letting me use this AU. Also, side note I was thinking what type of hair cut Spencer would have in this AU and I’m thinking season 10/11 hair is the most fitting. Just to remind everyone that Lindsey Vaughn, Cat Adams, Spencer Reid, and Penelope Garcia aren’t canon to Criminal Minds, but any other character I mention is.

Content Warning: Drug use (weed), swearing, that’s all I can think of but if there's anything else don’t be afraid to let me know.

Word Count: 3K

You can find part two here

Chapter 3: Snooping Roommates

I wake up to loud banging on my door, a screaming roommate trying to wake me up, and the dead weight of Spencer’s arm that practically has me in a death grip.

“(y/n) wake up I need my straightener that you borrowed. I need to straighten my hair before class and I don't want to be late!” She’s shouting while banging on my door. I turn over and look at my alarm clock and see that it’s only ten am. Great, I’m only going to get four hours of sleep when I feel like I could sleep for a week. This loud banging isn’t doing any favors for my headache either. Then it suddenly hits me that I need to wake up Spencer and get him to hide in my room somewhere because no doubt my friend Stella will barge in. I mean normally it isn’t a problem we’ve been best friends since kindergarten, but when I’m trying to hide a plug that just spent the night, even though he is practically a stranger to me in my room it’s not an ideal time for her to snoop.

“Sorry, I’m awake just give me a second!” I holler back at her, so she’ll stop banging on the door so loudly. I know I’m not going to make her super late because she doesn’t have class until twelve, but she takes forever to get ready nonetheless. I manage to wiggle out of Spencer's grasp, so I can sit up and wake him up. “How is he still asleep or maybe he’s dead that would get rid of one problem at least.” I think to myself while I’m trying to shake him awake and even though I’m joking for a sliver of a second I think he might actually be dead. It wasn’t until he snored ever so slightly and turned away from me I knew he was actually breathing.

“Spencer, Spencer you need to wake up and get in the closet.” I say to him while shaking him even more aggressively.

“Wow, I haven’t thought about being in the closet in a long time.” He mumbles back to me.

“Spencer this isn’t the time for jokes now get in my closet.” I say as I continue to shake him to make sure he doesn’t go back to sleep.

“Wait, I have to do what now.” He finally sits up and ponders my words for a second.

“You have to get in the closet my friend needs something out of my room, and she’ll never let it go if she sees you in here.” I repeat to him for the third time while pointing at my closet.

“Okay, okay fine.” He says putting his hands up surrendering to my ridiculous request after collecting his stuff off the nightstand and pushing his shoes under my bed.

“Hey is everything okay in there or did you go back to sleep?” Stella asks while pounding on the door once more.

“No, I’m just trying to get dressed. Give me a second to grab the straightener and you probably should stop pounding on the door before we get a noise complaint my dad would murder all three of us.” I say before making sure that Spencer is in the closet with the door closed. I hurry and grab the straightener and do a quick once over of my room to make sure that nothing is out of place. I open my door to one peeved friend with her dark brown curly hair going in every single direction. I hand the straightener to her hoping she’ll take it and leave.

“Thanks, also do you have that book you said I could borrow? I’m going to have two hours to kill between classes and I can’t be bothered to drive back home” She asks right before I was about to close the door.

“Oh yeah, it’s in the drawer of my left nightstand.” I say before making a gesture pointing towards it with my head.

“Okay?” She says probably because of my odd demeanor. I quickly shuffle over to my closet basically guarding it with my life. At the same time, she makes her way over to the nightstand and when she looks at it, she lets out a weird chuckle and picks something up. She turns to me as I’m standing in front of the closet. When she turns around she’s holding up a condom. “Goddammit, Spencer!” I think to myself while I think about excuses for why that would be in my room.

“Did somebody get a boyfriend and not tell their friend. Even more importantly, did somebody lose their virginity and NOT TELL ME!” She says in a more excited manner than upset that I wouldn’t tell her something like that. I mean we’re adults not in grade school anymore so it’s not a huge deal.

“No, I didn’t it must be Raven’s. It’s certainly not mine and even if I did you wouldn’t need to announce it to the world, so can you keep your voice down.” I say while partially whispering in hopes that Spencer didn’t hear any of that because I’m not in the mood to be teased, and I’m especially not in the mood for the million questions I get when people find out.

“Raven come here! We need a family meeting!” She shouts oblivious to the company we have with us. Of course, she’s going to run with this and think it’s hilarious because we’re friends it’s what we do. I know she would never do this if she knew that Spencer or anyone else was here because she wouldn’t want me to be embarrassed. Raven walks into the room with her black hair swinging back and forth in her ponytail in unison with her skirt.

“Yeah what’s up?” She asks quickly peaking her head in the doorway because she has a class at eleven.

“Would this happen to belong to you? We know it’s not mine because I have no need for a condom and I think my GIRLfriend would find it odd that I have any. If it’s not yours there’s only one other person in this house that it could belong to.” She manages to say between her giggles putting an emphasis on the girl part, so I can’t use the excuse that it might be Stella’s for whatever reason.

“Guys fine it’s mine but let it go because no I don’t have a boyfriend and no I didn’t lose…you know...it” I trail off trying to be as quiet as possible.

“There’s no need to be ashamed of being a virgin at twenty, but excuse us if we pick on you because you’re the only one out of us who hasn’t lost their virginity. Don’t even try to use the catholic school excuse anymore. It might’ve worked when we were in high school, but it doesn't anymore.” Raven chimes in clearly also having fun in this awkward situation.

“Okay, thanks mom now get out of my room. I didn’t wake up to play twenty-one questions.” I say trying to get them out of my room as fast a possible because I hear chuckles slowly becoming louder and louder from inside my closet.

“We’re only teasing you because we love you but I still kind of want to know why you have only one sitting on your nightstand.” Stella says while sitting it back down and finally picking up the book before making her way out of the room. She stops at the doorway turning to look at me clearly wanting an explanation. Raven being the snoop she is as well raises her eyebrows wanting an explanation too.

“Okay fine I may or may not have thought I was going home with somebody last night and Penelope practically threw one at me trying to get me to go home with him but last minute I chickened out. Are you guys happy now?” I pull the most bullshit excuse out of my ass, but they seem to believe it because they both give a silent nod while walking out and closing the door behind them. I run to lock the door while Spencer opens the closet with his hand over his mouth trying not to laugh.

“That sounds like the most cliché porn plot possible. A sweet little virgin catholic school girl what do you need me to dress up as a priest?” He says in between deep breaths trying not to bust out laughing.

“Don’t even start I won’t hesitate to kill you. No one knew who you came home with I bet I could get away with it, I’ve watched enough crime shows and I listened to my dad talk about it growing up.” I look at him giving him the stink eye trying to be a little intimidating even though I’m obviously joking, but it just makes him laugh more.

“Okay, we’ll see about that squirt.” He says while trying to control his laughter and lays back on my bed. I roll my eyes at the sudden usage of the nickname.

“I’m going to get ready don’t move and if my friends knock on the door don’t answer it. I can drive you back to your apartment after they leave.” I tell him trying to move on while making my way to my bathroom after grabbing clothes from my closet.

“Yes ma’am.” He says mocking me because I’m talking to him in the same way a mom would scold her toddler. In some ways, Spencer acts like a toddler, so I’m justified in the way I talk to him.

As I finish up taking a shower and running a brush through my hair to not look like I was hit by a truck, I get changed and walk back into my room. I walk out and see that Spencer is once again passed out in my bed. I sigh trying to figure out what to do and for the first time in the past fourteen hours, my prayers have been answered because both of my friends shout their goodbyes as they leave the apartment. As soon as I hear the lock click signaling that they left I open my door checking to see if the coast is clear. Once I make sure I’m safe I walk out to the kitchen and make breakfast. I sit and relax on the island for a second taking in everything that’s happened since last night. I close my eyes and bask in the warm sunlight coming through the window and take in the smell of coffee brewing. I go back to breakfast and I make sure to make enough food for me and Spencer. After I’m done I go to ask him if he wants any food and as I make my way to my room I smell something odd. I can’t place the smell at first over the smell of coffee and pancakes, but as soon as I open my door I immediately recognize the smell. Then I see him laying on my bed smoking a joint.

“Oh hey, you want a hit.” He offers after he seemed surprised to see me as if he wasn’t laying in my bed in my apartment.

“No I don’t smoke sorry, but I made breakfast if you want some.” I say before turning around and making my way back to the kitchen.

“So you don’t smoke, you don't have sex, and you don't really drink or party so what do you do for fun?” He asks while catching up with me. As I plate our food I wonder if I have anything actually interesting to tell him. It’s boring to say “Oh I go to class, then to work, then I study, and sometimes I get more bored than usual, so I knit.” When I figure I don’t have anything remotely fun to talk about I just shrug and give him a plate with pancakes, eggs, and bacon.

“How do you take your coffee?” I ask while pulling two mugs out of the cupboard before grabbing creamer and sugar.

“Like three teaspoons of sugar, but don’t try and change the subject. If you don’t know how to have fun that’s how I’ll make it up to you for helping me out last night. We’ll spend a day, it doesn’t have to be today, but we’ll spend a day where we have a day full of fun.” He says with a proud look on his face, and I can’t help but giggle at the look on his face it’s like he just had the idea of the century. You can tell he’s someone whose smart but is only very book smart because at the same time he has no sense of self-preservation and no common sense whatsoever.

“Okay, well I have to work tonight, but tomorrow I don’t have anything going on. What do you have in mind?” I ask while passing him coffee before joining him at the island with my food and coffee.

“That my dear is a mystery. It’s much more fun when it’s a surprise.” He says while booping my nose before reading what’s on the mug I gave him.

“The BAU? Who do you know that works for the FBI’s behavioral analysis unit or is this just some cute little souvenir?” He asks while looking at me with an eyebrow raised.

“My dad used to work for the BAU but it’s been a while. Right now he’s on a book tour.” I say trying to be brief as possible when talking about my dad.

“So are you super close with your dad is that why he pays for your apartment and gets you gifts like this?” He asks before taking a bite out of the bacon.

“It’s not really an extraordinary gift it’s just a mug first off. Second off how did you know that he pays for my apartment? Were you snooping through my room while I was making breakfast?” I ask genuinely curious how he drew that conclusion. I mean he’s not wrong but still.

“I heard you say and I quote “stop pounding on the door before we get a noise complaint my dad would murder all three of us.” I doubt that you would care what your dad thinks unless he pays for the apartment or this is his apartment, but I’m not sure why your mom and dad would let two other loud ass girls live in this apartment with them.” He says with a smug look on his face as if he cracked a seemingly unsolvable mystery.

“Good detective work Sherlock. I mean yeah you’re right my dad pays the rent for this place, but he and my mom aren’t together anymore, my mom happened to be unlucky wife number four, and to answer your question from earlier no I’m not extremely close with my dad. He was always at work, traveling, or working on his new book I’m pretty sure this apartment is how he chooses to make up for it.” I say very matter-of-factly like it’s nothing I think I’m just numb to it at this point.

“Well, welcome to the absentee fathers club. It’s full of daddy issues and forgotten birthdays.” He says before turning back to his food. Not having a dad around clearly doesn’t bother him, or he’s putting up a pretty good front like it doesn’t bother him.

“Anyway moving away from the subject of childhood trauma let’s move on to our day of fun. I’ll pick you up here at ten am sharp. I will tote you around all day until you learn how to have fun.” He says while doing a horrible impression of Steve Irwin as if we're going on some sort of adventure through the jungle. I just giggle in response as I go to clean up both of our plates.

“I’ll be ready at ten now are you ready for me to take you back home because I have to go to work soon.” I ask turning to face him while I rest my elbows behind me on the counter.

“Yeah let me go get my shoes and I’ll be ready.” He says before hopping off the stool at the kitchen island and makes his way back to my room. I laugh to myself because we just met, yet I get along with him like we’ve known each other for years. I quickly make my way to the laundry room, so I can grab my work shirt out of the dryer and change into it before we leave. I slip off my shirt and slip into my work shirt and tuck it into my jeans, before making my way back out to the living room. As I grab my keys and slip on my vans Spencer makes his way back out to the living room.

“Ready?” I ask him before opening the door. He just nods before slipping a piece of paper into my hand. I didn’t open it at the time. I didn’t even open it until I got off work that night but it was his number.

Me: hey, I just got off work and realized you gave me your number. I’ll see you tomorrow morning. Good Night :)

Spencer: i’ll see you then. sweet dreams <3

As I’m sitting in my bed that night I just chuckle to myself before I turn my phone off and turn over trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in. As I get comfortable and I’m about to shut my eyes I spot that damn condom on the corner of my nightstand once again. Soon enough I finally shut my eyes and I’m able to get some sleep.

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