#If nobody got me I know the astronaut who eat stars got me can I get an amen

[puppyeared]

Doodlys tonite

[misswarmnights]

The Tickle Aliens

In space, no one can hear you scream...with laughter.

Deep space. Seven crew members. One cat.

At some point during the mission, Mother the computer picked up a distress signal from a unknown source, but something humanoid. The crew jumped into action. There were no moons, planets, or planetoids nearby. So, they switched on all the viewing monitors to see if they could spot anything.

On a monitor, Ellen Ripley watched the goingson outside and soon she saw it on the screen...a crudely-build little shuttle spinning out-of-control through the expanding darkness.

"Captain, I see it."

"There's a spaceman in there," Brett remarked. "And he's in trouble."

Dallas nodded, calling out to Mother. "We need to rescue it and bring the astronaut to safety."

Mother released a net-shaped force-field from a special section of the ship and caught the runaway shuttle inside. This held the vessel safely in place.

"Bring him aboard, Mother."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Ripley asked, always a cautious one.

The male officers ignored her and went about their business. The doors opened and the visitor was brought inside.

Lambert joined the rest on the deck, and tried to get a glimpse of the rescued spaceman. But her male colleagues crowded around him and blocked her view.

"Who is he? What is he?" Lambert asked.

"It's a little green man," Parker told her.

"Don't give us that crap," Ripley retorted.

"No, really. I'm serious, we got a little green guy here." Parker stepped aside so the two women could see the tiny visitor.

The person stood just barely four feet tall, with skinny limbs and very long fingers. His spacesuit glistened with silver and his oversized helmet seemed to weigh down his slight body, a green face visible through the dark glass.

"I can't believe it...," Lambert breathed.

"We just saved an alien life form, you can believe it," Ash said, folding his arms.

"And what a cute little fellow," Kane quipped.

"Right," Brett mumbled.

"Who the heck are you?" Parker asked, bending lower to see the creature's face better.

The small humanoid stood motionless for a second, probably still reeling from his wild ride on the shuttle. The little guy needed a moment to get used to his new surroundings, not to mention those seven curious strangers looming over him.

Dallas got down on his knees to be at eye level with the alien, to help him feel more relaxed. "You're aboard the Nostomo. Nobody is going to hurt you. Can you speak? Have you got a name?"

The little alien reached up to unfasten his bulky helmet. Then, the helmet slid off and revealed his narrow, shiny, green head. The creature's facial features were very human-like. A yellow tongue strayed from his mouth and licked his dry, cracked lips.

"I apologize, my friends, for I must have misplaced my manners," said the green alien. "I thank you exceptionally well for rescuing me from such peril. I am unsure what went wrong, but I lost control of my vessel. I cannot imagine where I would be now if you kind souls had not saved me. My name is Garg A. Lesis. My home is Erutrot-Elkcit; that is a planet somewhat far from here. I am pleased and charmed to be your guest in this delightful Nostomo."

The crew couldn't believe their eyes and ears.

The alien spoke perfect English. He had a quirky voice and a friendly little smile.

"I must find a way to repay you lovely persons for rescuing me. We can start with breakfast. I will treat you to these doughnuts."

With that, the alien slid his boney hand into a pocket and, somehow, produced a white rectangular box.

"These doughnuts are from my very own private stock and there is none better in the galaxy. I realize this is not nearly enough to repay your great kindness but it is the very least I can do. Once you have finished breakfast, I will have found more ways to repay you. If there is one thing I pride myself on, that is showing the utmost gratitude."

Kane smirked in amusement. "Talkative little sucker, isn't he?"

Ripley wasn't buying any of this. She marched over to the alien and kicked the box out of his hands as if it were a rifle. The doughnuts scattered on the floor.

"I hate doughnuts! And if you think we're eating anything from you, then you're out of your puny green skull," Ripley said, after disarming the little man of his doughnuts.

The alien picked up all the pastries off the floor and refilled the box. "Madam, I wish you no harm. All I wish is to show my gratitude."

"Let's give him a chance, Ripley," Dallas said. "He seems harmless enough."

"What did you say your name was?" Lambert asked, timidly.

"I am Garg A. Lesis from Erutrot-Elkcit, a distance green and pink planet. It's such a lovely place to live, you should all visit there. That would be most charming. My species is known as Erutrotians. My friends call me...Spin."

"Why do they call you that?"

"Because I cannot fly a shuttle without whirling and twirling and spinning," answered the alien, merrily.

When all the doughnuts had been collected from the floor, Kane took the box and thanked him properly.

"Well, Spin...We accept your gracious offer of these delightful, slightly dirty doughnuts and we hope you will join us so we can enjoy your charming presence at our table," he said, mocking the alien's style of talking.

Spin was apparently blind to this joking around, and so he just smiled and accepted the invitation. "Why, it would be my pleasure to grace you with my charming presence while you enjoy breakfast!"

Everyone found this humorous, except for Ellen Ripley.

"Dallas, I have a bad feeling about this," she warned him, when the alien was out of ear-shot.

The bearded man assured her everything would be fine. "I wouldn't let him remain on Nostomo if I thought he posed a threat. The safety of my crew means everything to me, Ripley. You know that."

Ripley sighed. "I just...have a bad feeling about this guy, ya know?"

"He'll join us for breakfast, we'll eat his doughnuts, then we'll find a way to send him home. Okay?"

Ripley still wasn't thrilled with the whole idea, but she nodded in consent.

Soon everyone gathered around the table for breakfast. They munched on the doughnuts and drank hot coffee. Ripley, however, slipped away while the others were eating so she could do some research. She did a search for 'Erutrotians' on her computer.

A hazy picture of a planet showed up on the monitor, along with a picture of their suspicious guest. There was a list of facts and information available.

Ripley read quietly to herself:

"Erutrotians are a civilized race of alien from the planet Erutrot-Elkcit; they are fluent in over fifty languages and exhibit human-like characteristics. Erutrotians are religiously well-mannered and tend to be overly grateful when someone does them a favor. This race is mostly harmless and peaceful, if treated respectfully. While he may seem eccentric, the Erutrotian has been known to befriend other species, including humans. If you are visited by a Erutrotian and wish him to leave, he will do so. However, there is something you must be cautious of when dealing with a Erutrotian. They love to tickle, and they are devious, relentless ticklers. If you happen to be ticklish, then you must be very careful not to let the Erutrotian discover this. Or else, he will stay for weeks and months and perhaps even longer. Do not let him find out about your ticklishness for your own safety."        

When Ripley finished reading, she breathed a sigh of relief. That's the worst he can do? Tickle? she thought, amused. She wasn't worried because she wasn't ticklish at all.

Meanwhile at the breakfast table, the crew continued eating the doughnuts. Even though there was only one box, the supply seemed endless. The doughnuts were baked perfectly, soft and moist on the inside, coated with sweet glaze. Each pastry oozed with a different kind of fruit jelly or cream.

"How did you make these out here in space?" Lambert asked, losing count of how many she had eaten.

Spin smiled. "All of the ingredients are from my home planet, Ms. Lambert."

Ripley entered the room, looking in disgust at her companions as they made pigs of themselves.

"Hello there, Ripley. Have a seat," Kane said.

"You can sit next to Spin there," Parker said, pointing to the empty place beside the alien.

"I don't wanna sit next to Spin," Ripley mumbled, but then remembered she had to be polite. "Oh. Oh, yes...I would love to sit next to Mr. Spin."

"Would you like a doughnut, Ripley?" Dallas asked. "There's plenty left."

"I told you guys, I don't like doughnuts. They're too sweet."

Then, Ripley remembered again to be as polite as possible. "Oh, alright...maybe just one."

With that, she picked up a doughnut and took a small bite. She winced as the sweet blackberry jelly gushed into her mouth.

"I am immensely pleased that you gracious people are enjoying the doughnuts I have prepared with my own little hands," Spin quipped.

"You're a pretty damn good cook," Brett commented.

"I never knew aliens cooked," Lambert said.

"You would be surprised at all the marvelous things we can do," Spin explained. "You refer to me as an alien, but keep in mind, aliens are people too."

"The little green guy has a point," Parker said.

"Right, he does," Brett added.

Ripley set down the remainder of her doughnut and drank some bitter coffee to wash away the sugary sweetness from her mouth.

"What's it like on Erutrot...Elkcit?" Lambert asked slowly to pronounce the name correctly.

"Oh, it is the most delightful planet to live on. No crimes, no cruelty, only delightful people like myself so there is no need for weapons or cages. Of course, being such a peaceful world there is always time for play."

"Do you have a hobby?" Ripley asked quietly, not wanting to seem rude by avoiding the conversation.

"Oh, yes indeed," Spin replied cheekily. "I have many hobbies: meditation, dancing, singing, baking, whistling, drawing, embroidery, star-gazing, wrestling, reading, hiking, calligraphy, tickling...to name just a few."

"Did you say 'tickling'?" Lambert asked, confused. "That's not a hobby."

Spin chuckled a bit. "My people very much enjoy tickling. Unfortunately, many of the humans we have encountered were not sensitive to the tickle sensation. Our attempts to tickle these people were unsuccessful. Quite odd, don't you think?"

"It would have worked on me," Kane said, with a sheepish smile.

Spin looked at him. "What do you mean, Mr. Kane?"

"I'm very ticklish on my feet," Kane admitted.

"Really? Me too!" Dallas said, grinning.

Ripley's eyes filled with terror. "You guys...shut up."

Spin gazed at the human crew with an odd little smile on his face. He casually picked up a cup of coffee and took a very long sip. Ripley glared at her colleagues and shook her head as a way to warn them but the guys didn't get it.

"Such a splendid breakfast," Spin sighed happily, patting his small mouth with a napkin. He then slid down from his chair and yawned, stretching his boney arms high over his head. "Good Heavens, I suddenly feel so tired..."

"Must have been that rough tumble you took out there, little guy," Dallas told him, "You should get some sleep. Ripley, you show him where he can rest."

Ripley rolled her eyes, pushing herself off the chair and taking hold of the green alien's little hand. "Come with me," she mumbled, yanking on the alien as she walked briskly down the corridors. She led him into a closet several yards away from the chamber where she and the crew slept. "You can stay in here, where you'll hopefully be far enough away from my crew…so you won't be disturbed if anyone snores." She added that last part to avoid sounding rude.

"I thank you for your generous hospitality, Ms. Ripley. May I also have a pillow and blanket?"

"Yes." Ripley went and brought him everything he needed and then watched as Spin prepared a little bed for himself inside the closet. He made himself very comfortable. Surprisingly, the closet space was just big enough for a cozy bedroom for the four-foot-tall humanoid. So Ripley left him there, leaving the door open.

Nobody heard anything from Spin the rest of the day. The green man just slept and slept until finally, it was bedtime for the crew as well.

Everybody ate dinner, brushed their teeth, and went about their usual nighty-time routine. They removed their uniforms, leaving themselves in nothing but white underclothes and bare feet. Ripley was very concerned about dozing off with a strange alien on their ship…especially since she knew exactly what Spin's intentions were. Since Kane and Dallas had foolishly admitted their little weaknesses…she knew something was going to happen. So, she told everyone exactly what she had learned and what Spin intended to do with them.

"Ripley, are you positive about this?" Dallas asked.

"I know it sounds bizarre but you heard Spin say it himself…he loves to tickle people."

"This is a very serious thing, Ripley," Lambert scolded.

"Why didn't you tell us sooner?" Parker inquired.

"Because I didn't know any of you morons were going to blurt out that you're ticklish! That's why!" Ripley barked, glaring at Kane who looked down at the floor in shame.

"Well, what do you think we should do now?" Ash asked, calmly pushing a stick of chewing gum into his mouth.

"There are seven of us and only one of him," Dallas spoke, pacing nervously in front of his crew but trying to sound confident. "Plus he's a small guy…no way he could overpower any of us."

"Right," Brett responded.

"Got a good point there, Captain," Ash complimented him. "Now I say we all just forget about our jolly green midget and get some shut-eye."

Thump!

Everybody froze.

Thump thump!

"What was that?" Ripley asked, wide-eyed.

Thump thump thump!

Lambert gasped, throwing a hand against her mouth. "What the hell is that?!" she shouted in fear.

Whoosh! The door slid wide open and Spin poked his head into the room, smiling. The crew stared at him. "We have company," said the alien, "Some dear friends of mine decided to stop by for a visit."

"Um…what?" Parker said in shock.

Suddenly, another little green head popped into the room. Then came a third one…and then a fourth. Lots of green people who resembled Spin marched into the room single file, until the room was flooded with about thirty of the diminutive humanoids.

"I hope you don't mind, I invited them over to meet the heroes who rescued me from that perilous situation," Spin explained to the baffled crew.

"No, no parties…not on my ship," Dallas was having none of it. "Spin, this has gone far enough. I want you…all of you...to leave before things get out of hand."

"No thank you, Captain Dallas," Spin replied, as if being ordered to leave was merely a friendly offer. "My people have journeyed here to enjoy the spoils of human vulnerabilities." An eerie smile crossed Spin's face at that point.

"W-what do you mean?" Lambert asked in a frightened tone.

All of the Erutrotians started smiling like mad. They could tell these people knew…

"It is time for a joyous and marvelous time, my dear people!" Spin announced with glee.

And so it began.

"Get the captain first."

Spin's people attacked Dallas and went for his exposed feet.

"No, don't," Lambert protested, shielding her eyes in horror.

Dallas howled with laughter when his bare feet got tickled. He doubled over and fell to the floor, at which point five aliens jumped on top of him. They pinned his legs to the floor so he wouldn't kick and so they could tickle him easier. Spin scratched all over the soles of his feet and was overjoyed by the man's beautiful reaction!

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! STOP! PLEASE STOP!" Dallas laughed, writhing around and trying in vain to get away.

Spin laughed merrily. "My, what is so funny, Captain Dallas? Do tell me what amuses you so!"

"IT TICKLES! TIHIHICKLES!" Dallas screamed, tears forming in the corner of his eyes. Spin laughed happily and continued tickling both his feet, never giving the poor captain a break.

"No, no, no! Not the feet!" Kane pleaded as they surrounded him also, about to give him the same treatment. One of the green people tripped him over backwards, causing Kane to fall right on his butt. Three aliens rushed over and began tickling his exposed soles. Kane exploded with laughter and threw his head back.

Lambert covered her ears. Everyone else watched the scene in shock.

"OH SHIT! Don't tickle me…NO! STOP! HEEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Kane shrieked, his face already turning red from laughter.

Spin wanted a crack at Kane too, so he lifted Kane's undershirt and poked his index finger right into Kane's bellybutton. As if having his feet tickled by three other aliens wasn't bad enough, now Spin's long-nailed finger was tickling in his bellybutton! This drove the man even wilder than before. His stomach quivered and tears started glistening his eyes. His arms would have lashed out to push away the ticklers had they not been restraining him so well. The Erutrotians worked very well as a team.

"Good Heavens!" Spin exclaimed with a huge grin. "Two human males who are both very, very ticklish! This is our lucky day, my people."

Ash leaned against the wall, calmly chewing his gum as he witnessed the chaos. Lambert sank to her knees in a corner, shielding her eyes from it all.

Kane and Dallas squealed like a couple of little girls when the aliens tickled between all their toes. The two men arched their backs and laughed so hard that they started to convulse. Tears of mirth streamed down their red faces. They writhed around, their legs and ankles reddening as they struggled to pull their feet away from the horrible tickling. Spin's team was too powerful however…there would be no escaping and no relief for their poor bare feet.

"Hey, stop it! That's enough!" Parker said, taking pity on his friends. He stormed over to confront the aliens.

The green people ignored him. Parker whirled around when he heard a scream of terror from Lambert – she was being chased around by a single alien, grabbing and poking at her sides. Parker abandoned the other two men and rushed to Lambert's aid.

"Hey, quit it! Stay away from her!" he yelled, but an alien tripped him before he could reach her. Parker screamed out as he flipped through the air and landed on his head…ending up sprawled out on the floor, unconscious.

"NO!" Lambert shouted.

Spin placed a pillow under Parker's head. "He will be perfectly fine, do not worry…but he will wake up with a bump on his head."

"This CAN'T be happening!" Lambert cried.

"Don't give up," Ripley told her, "We'll find a way to stop this."

Brett gasped when he noticed what had happened to his buddy Parker. He ran over and knelt beside the unconscious man. "What the shit happened to him?"

"It is nothing to be concerned about, Mr. Brett," Spin said, in his usual polite tone. "He simply tripped and fell down, but it was not our fault and I can assure you, I did not intend for him to get hurt."

"He'll sleep it off," Ash added, in his icy cool demeanor.

The little green boss stayed right next to Brett. The engineering technician didn't move away or say anything. He just took a drag of his cigarette while staring down at the alien with his dark brown eyes. Spin continued to gaze at him and started doing his odd little smile again.

"You don't scare me," Brett scoffed. "I'm not ticklish."

Spin's smile faded. "Aww, I am truly sorry to hear that, Mr. Brett."

Another Erutrotian crept up behind Brett and jumped onto his back. The alien attempted to straddle him, tickling his stomach in the process. Brett yelped, nearly jumping out of his skin! The cigarette flew from his mouth as he erupted in a fit of giggles.

Spin laughed. "Well, my word! It seems we have a tickly tummy, don't we, Mr. Brett?" With that, Spin started tickling his stomach as well.

Brett sank down to his knees, hugging himself in defense as they continued tickling. He tried to control himself but he couldn't stop giggling. "Okay! Ohohohakay! I lied! Heyehehehehehe! I admit it! I'm ticklish!"

Four more green people rushed over to help. They straddled Brett and forced him down flat on his stomach. His arms were pulled forcibly behind his back so he couldn't defend himself while all those long green fingers attacked his torso from all angles. They yanked his shirt all the way up and ruthlessly dug their fingers into his sides, stomach, and armpits.

"Aaaahahahahaha! Hehehehey! CUT IT OUT! Parker…PARKER! Help meeee!" Brett called out for Parker to save him, somehow forgetting that Parker had recently been knocked out cold.

Those alien hands moved to his ribcage, scratching and digging gently between each of his ribs. Spin tickled Brett's neck with both hands.

Brett let out a shrill girlish scream as he burst into louder, more hysterical laughter.

"GYAHAHAHAHAHA! DAMN YOU! HEEHEHEHEHEHEE! STOP TICKLING ME!" Brett screeched, his face pressed against the cold floor as he laughed. With his hands pinned behind his back, he could not protect himself or get up. His legs were free so he could kick but that didn't help him.

Spin's people were experts on finding the most ticklish spot on a person's body. Then they focused mainly on that particular spot. Kane and Dallas were most ticklish on the soles of their feet. For Brett, it was his ribs and neck.

"HOHOHOHOHOO! AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I CAN'T STAND IT!" Kane shrieked, tears of laughter pouring down his face. His usually pale white skin had turned the most beet-like shade of red.

"S-SOMEBODY HELP US! HAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! PLEEEEASE!" Dallas screamed, tears and sweat soaking his entire face and beard.

Ripley knew she HAD to do something. She had to find a way to end this mess and get rid of those little bastards. Ripley then fled the room, sealing the door shut behind her to keep the Erutrotians contained in one place. It's not like any of her friends were going to be escaping anyway…

Lambert stood frozen in the corner. Her huge blue eyes rimmed red with tears as she fearfully awaited her turn.

Ash had disappeared from the room.

Ripley sprinted through the corridors, black hair bouncing as she ran. The screaming laughter and pleas for mercy from the male crew echoed throughout the ship, following her like a curse as she continued running.

Suddenly, Ripley heard feminine laughter. The aliens had started their tickling assault on Lambert. She was crying out things like 'STOP IT' and 'NOT THERE'. Wherever they were tickling her, it was obviously a pretty bad spot.

As Ripley turned a corner, she slammed right into Ash. "Oh!" she gasped, stumbling over backwards and falling on her butt.

"Ash!"

"Where are you going?" he inquired.

"What do you mean 'where am I going'?" Ripley said, standing up and staring at him in shock. "I'm going to find a way to get those green-assed bitches off the Nostromo. By the way, how did you escape from them?"

"There is no possible way for a ticklish person to escape the Erutrotians, but if you aren't ticklish then they won't bother keeping you around."

"So how did you manage to get away?" she asked.

Ash shrugged. "Not ticklish."

Ripley inwardly kicked herself for asking a stupid question. "Okay, but how are we going to save the others?" she asked hopefully, assuming Ash would have some valuable ideas or even a plan.

"Ripley, I honestly don't get what the big deal is," he complained.

"What?" Ripley said in surprise. "Ash, don't you realize what's going on back there?" She pointed her thumb at the direction she came from.

"They're only being tickled," Ash said, folding his arms. "What's the worst that could happen? They'll piss themselves."

"It's more than that!" Ripley shouted in fury. "I researched these guys and they can stay around for months or longer. Ash, for God's sake…we can't let these things live here as long as they want and tickle everyone to death. It will screw up everything we're working towards on this mission."

Ash stared at her coldly with his arms still firmly folded. "So…what do you suggest?"

Ripley bit her lower lip as she looked back at him, unsettled by how calm and uncaring he seemed about the whole thing. "I…I guess find more information about the Erutrotians…find out what their weaknesses are. We'll use weapons if we need to!"

"Don't make them angry, Ripley," Ash sighed, waving her off as he turned to walk away.

Just as Ripley was about to yell something insulting at him, Ash looked over his shoulder to tell her one last thing…

"Just be glad these alien life forms are enjoying themselves. Imagine the damage they might cause if they weren't having fun." He smirked just slightly.

Ripley soon found herself alone – with only her thoughts and the endless wails of ticklish agony pouring through the walls. There had to be a way to get rid of Spin and his tribe. She racked her brains, mind racing back to the facts on Erutrotians she had read earlier.

Then a thought occurred to her.

"Of course," Ripley said, aloud. "That's it…

Ripley went straight to the tiny kitchen where she had thrown away her partially eaten doughnut into the wastebasket, when Spin was not looking. She picked up the doughnut with repulsion, holding it away from her as if it were a dirty diaper. The bitten pastry dripped dark blackberry goop as Ripley carried it away.

She walked right back towards the room where the Erutrotians were tickle torturing her friends. She had an idea.

Meow.    

Ripley heard a faint mewing. She stopped dead in her tracks, distracted by the sight of a little cat's face peeping out from behind a crate.

"Hey, Jonesy," Ripley said, smiling as she spoke to the cat. "Hey, kitty kitty…what are you doing over here, huh? You trying to get away from all that noise?" She was referring to the laughter and shrieks of her crew.

"Meow," Jonesy replied.

Ripley scooped up Jonesy and snuggled him for a moment. The cat stared at the jelly doughnut in Ripley's hand, but she held it away from his stretching paw.

"Nah, you don't want this slop," Ripley said, resting her cheek against Jonesy's soft head. "Be a good cat, okay? I have to do something."

And with that, Ripley released Jonesy onto the floor and resumed her mission to defeat the aliens.

By the time Ripley returned to the alien room, the laughter had died down and then stopped completely. She entered the room with caution and observed the scene.

The victims had all fainted from the horrible tickling they had suffered. Dallas, Kane, Brett, and Lambert had all passed out. They were scattered around the floor, flushed and soaked with sweat. Tear-stained faces and puffy red eyes on everyone. An unpleasant odor in the air proved that they had all wet their pants.

The Erutrotians were sitting by their victims, making pleasant conversation with each other as they waited patiently for the crew to wake up. Ripley wanted so badly to beat them all up with her bare hands.

Then Parker, who had suffered nothing more than a blow to the head, started groaning and moving around. He sat upright, rubbing his forehead and squinting until he could see clearly. That's when he figured out what had happened.

"HEY!"

"Parker, shut it," Ripley snapped. "Let me handle this."

Ripley raised the doughnut to her mouth and chomped into the sugary sweetness. She did her best not to shudder.

"Mmmmm...Yum...best thing I ever tasted...this tasty doughnut...baked by our good friend Spin!" Ripley yelled out, pretending to enjoy the gooey treat that she actually loathed. She took huge bites and let the blackberry jelly roll down her chin.

"Why, Miss Ripley, I did not realize you were so fond of my lovely doughnuts," Spin said cheerily, completely buying her act.

"I sure wish I could bake this good," Ripley sighed wistfully.

"Did you say 'baking'?" they asked.

This topic greatly piqued their interest...exactly what Ripley was hoping for.

Baking.

That was one of Spin's other "hobbies" that Ripley recalled from earlier when he rattled off his list. If she could get Spin's tribe interested in something other than tickling, then she could save the ship.

"Baking, yes!" Ripley exclaimed, "Did I mention how much I love baking? I would love to bake some more of these scrumptious doughnuts! Who wants to help me?"

"It would be a privilege to assist you, Miss Ripley," Spin said cheerily.

His people were equally as enthusiastic...

"What an absolute joy that would be!"

"We will have a simply marvelous time in the kitchen with you, Madam!"

"Baked goods are our specialty!"

"And most certainly one of our favorite activities!"

Now it was Ripley's turn to give an eerie little smile as the Erutrotians followed her to the kitchen like rats for the Pied Piper.

For the next hour, dozens of the green baking-experts took turns in the small kitchen area. They produced hundreds of perfect doughnuts from minimal ingredients, and with startling ease.

Ripley's scheme was to use baking as a distraction from the tickling. Since tickling was the one thing that made them go wild, what they needed was to get interested in a different activity. Ripley figured if they returned to their pish posh politeness, she could get them off Nostromo.

The aliens baked doughnuts to their green heart's content. They even shared their secret recipe with Ripley and taught her how to prepare a proper pastry. Ripley went along with everything in the most cheerful and positive attitude she could muster.

"Thanks for everything, Mr. Spin," she said, when the kitchen fun came to a close. "My crew and I are really glad you could visit our humble Nostromo, but it's getting late. So...would you mind leaving now?" If you are visited by a Erutrotian and wish him to leave, he will do so, Ripley remembered that sentence.

"It has been an endless joy this time spent with you, my splendid rescuers. I was just tickled to be here," Spin told Ripley, wrapping his small hands briefly around her hand. "My people and I will leave now, as you wish. We bid you farewell and a safe journey home."

"Thanks, you too."

Spin smiled at his tribe and beckoned for them to come. "We must be leaving now…our home Erutrot-Elkcit is waiting for us."

Then the green-skinned humanoids known as Erutrotians took off through the blackness of outer space in their sleek golden ships. The shiny vessels glided away in streaks of silver glow until they finally disappeared in the distance.

Ripley raced back to check on her crew mates. They would be fine, just exhausted and maybe a little embarrassed…but they would live. A slight smile of satisfaction came to her face. She actually outsmarted the aliens and saved the day. No more aliens aboard the Nostromo now and that's just how she liked it. Their troubles were over.

Or so she hoped.

The End

[unknown-de-mordor-blog]

Angbang-in-Space: or the time I crossover Tolkien-verse with Space Odyssey

So I just went back to the two one-shots I wrote for Melkor on Europa, and I just realized that some of it wouldn’t make any sense to anybody (I’m sorry; I was freewriting the shit out of it), so I thought I might as well make a huge post on the crossover universe I had. (I mean, this blog is called the Fanfic Junkyard for a reason.) A lot of this will be me recounting the plot of 2001: A Space Odyssey and 2010: The Year We Make Contact.

Let’s start with some Space Odyssey lore. So there’s an in-universe place for god or gods but more as a highly evolved, technologically advanced alien or aliens who have at least experiment with humankind and possibly even help create it. They are also called the ‘Firstborn’, referring to them as possibly the first sapient species. So, yes, there’s a proper place for Eru and Ainur in the Space Odyssey universe. I usually interpret the Firstborn as the Ainur and Eru as even a higher being (because born of whom, right?)

We don’t get to see them, though, only their surrogate, the monoliths -- although I like the Russian name Zagadka, the Enigma, better -- it’s both a communication and control tool with great powers. Like, seriously terrifying powers.

Now to my mash-up-universe version, Melkor is reincarnated to ‘repair his fea’. He becomes a human name David Bowman and ends up commanding a space mission to Jupiter, although he’s mostly a glorified housekeeper because most of the astronauts are put in suspended animation just by how long the journey from Earth to Jupiter is. His companion is Frank Poole, his best friend and totally Gothmog reincarnated to me, and the ship’s AI HAL (the actual name is HAL9000 but absolutely no one calls him that), who is actually Mairon, but with memory damaged and suppressed due to the damages to his fea after the Ring was destroyed, and also for wandering in disembodied form for too long.

Even so, he has an imprint of Melkor in his fea, so he’s uncommonly drawn to David right from the first time they met. They end up being pretty close on the ship, the Discovery. Part of it is because Dave and Frank take different shifts so they don’t get to hang out in their downtime. HAL is, essentially, the entire ship so he can hang out with anyone anywhere anytime.

I am convinced HAL and the Discovery is the very inspiration for Event Horizon. In-universe, though, no one could convince me that Dave doesn’t watch the film at least once on the ship for the irony of it. HAL is not entirely sure how to take it.

HAL and Dave play a lot of chess together. HAL could have won 100% of the time, but he’d rather make the chance 50/50. Dave catches onto that, demands that HAL play him fairly. Of course, he got his ass handed to him. HAL goes back to giving him ample opportunity to win, and the cycle starts again.

Dave and Frank are under the impression that the mission is going to be a scientific exploration of Jupiter and its moons, but actually, there is a secret mission. The thing is, a little while back (maybe 2/5 into the movie), a monolith was discovered on the moon and, upon it being unearthed, sent a signal to Jupiter. The secret mission is to find out what it is, which borders on trying to get the first contact since that the monolith proves the existence of a highly advanced alien species. Nobody knows, however, what awaits there and so the mission is borderline suicidal, which poses a problem to HAL since he was programmed to not tell either Dave or Frank about the mission (clearance issue, essentially, because the existence of the monolith is a secret at this point) and see that it continues at all cost while he had to keep everyone alive at the same time.

HAL decides then to try something really human, hinting. Since he can talk about the mission, he had to try to get Dave to figure it out himself. HAL cut off the communication antennae to sever influence from Earth (possibly, we can speculate about this) but because he’s programmed to be truthful, he had to warn the crew about it and Frank found out that there was absolutely nothing wrong with the unit at all. A few more lies later, Frank began to suspect something wrong with HAL, who then decides to kill him in self-preservation, which put himself right into conflict with Dave. Eventually, HAL terminates life supports to the suspended crew and also attempted to kill Dave.

David survives because of his quick thinking, but at this point, there’s really no other option for him but to take HAL down. And so he does... in one of the most haunting movie scenes ever.

“Dave, I’m afraid,” still breaks my heart every fucking time, goddamn. You also have to remember that HAL has no way to fight back when Dave is, you know, essentially dismembering him alive.

Dave eventually learns about the mission, since he is the last man standing at this point and mission control has no one else to make the first contact with what they now know to be a giant monolith in Jupiter’s orbit.

But it isn’t a solid black object when he came into contact with it but a door and “My god, it’s full of stars.”

Dave never comes back after crossing the threshold into the monolith, though. Basically, his physical body is left behind and he's instead transformed into what in Space Odyssey calls a Star Child. For me, that’s the moment David Bowman returns to being Melkor, except with his human memory and personality integrated as well.

But no one has any idea about what happened to him until nine years (and a film) later. A crew of Russian and American astronauts including Dr Chandra, HAL’s creator, is sent to the Discovery and find out what happened onboard and afterwards. Chandra resurrects his beloved HAL and tries to fix him, in the process discovering the secret order and the cause of HAL’s previous malfunction, but no one really trusts him again except Chandra.

While Chandra’s busy fixing HAL, everyone else is busy with tracking the monolith and studying Jupiter’s moon where they found signals of life and that their probe is mysteriously destroyed by a burst of energy that seems to move around. No one takes that too seriously until HAL receives a message for them to leave Jupiter (within two days in the movie, fifteen in the book b/c ACC liked realistic details). And if a corporal form of David Bowman on their ship doesn’t convince them, the disappearance of Zagadka from orbit and its rapid multiplication inside Jupiter, basically eating the planet up, surely does.

Because of the short notice, they can’t take the Discovery and HAL back to Earth and has to leave both to be destroyed by what they are sure now is going to be a nova. Before the bang, though, Dave asks HAL to transmit a repeated message back to Earth, saying: “ALL THESE WORLDS ARE YOURS EXCEPT EUROPA ATTEMPT NO LANDING THERE”

Everyone would have thought that was the end of HAL, but actually, HAL just loses his corporal form and joins Dave on Europa (totally canon -- it’s in 2061: Odyssey Three -- and one of the reasons there’re people in the fandom shipping them so hard).

I don’t think that’s as simple as HAL returning to being Mairon right away, though, because he’s not systematically transformed in the same way Dave was when he returned to being Melkor. His memories are fractured and damaged and so he always confused between Melkor and Dave and between Mairon and HAL all the time, but Melkor assures him it’s fine because they’re actually both.

While Melkor took comfort in lounging at the bottom of the ocean (a trait that’s actually connected to Dave, who used to dive with his human brother), Mairon isn’t comfortable with being in the water although he’s infinitely fascinated by the creatures in Europa’s ocean.

Although Melkor doesn’t need to stay in a physical form or have a place to stay or sleep, he stays in the physical body with Mairon, built a fortress on the side of an ice-covered mountain to keep Mairon warm and sleep with him as Mairon’s fea repairs itself.

A trait that Mairon has from HAL is the ability to do sensory perception in a vast area. So he’s also the first to know about space probe coming in and blowing it out of the sky every time.

It takes a while before Mairon fully recovers and realizes that despite the idyllic lives they have in Europa, they are both somewhat of a prisoner because they’re bound to Zagadka and are put on Europa to serve a purpose -- protecting the living creatures of the influence of other worlds. Although Melkor agrees to the duty, he doesn’t always agree with how certain things are executed. Jupiter, for example, was turned into a sun at the expense of any creature that was inside of it. And that decision pissed Melkor off even though he, chained to the Zagadka, couldn’t do anything about it.

The resurrection of Melkor (in a sense) has been Eru’s intention carried out by Manwe and Mandos, Manwe aren’t necessary at ease with it -- not because of Melkor coming back necessarily but because he no longer knows what Eru might be planning after Arda was left to run by itself.

Manwe also knows the extent of the power of the monoliths, which are actually under Eru’s complete control. He fears it and what could happen to Melkor if he rebels again.

To be honest, that’s as far as I got, because I know Melkor will rebel again but I’m not sure how to tie that Dagor Dagorath and 3001: Odyssey Four. And that was essentially why the story never got finished.

[thewordslam]

What the Dragon Said: A Love Story by Catherynne M. Valente

So this guy walks into a dragon’s lair      and he says why the long tale?                  HAR HAR BUDDY says the dragon                  FUCK YOU. The dragon’s a classic the ‘57 Chevy of existential chthonic threats take in those Christmas colors, those impervious green scales, sticky candy-red firebreath, comes standard with a heap of rubylust goldhuddled treasure.                  Go ahead.                  Kick the tires, boy.                  See how she rides. Sit down, kid, says the dragon. Diamonds roll off her back like dandruff. Oh, you’d rather be called a paladin? I’d rather be a unicorn.                  Always thought that was the better gig. Everyone thinks you’re innocent. Everyone calls you pure. And the girls aren’t afraid they come right up with their little hands out for you to sniff like you’re a puppy and they’re gonna take you home. They let you put your head right in their laps.                  But nobody on this earth ever got what they wanted. Now I know what you came for. You want my body. To hang it up on a nail over your fireplace. Say to some milk-and-rosewater chica who lays her head in your lap look how much it takes to make me feel like a man.                  We’re in the dark now, you and me. This is primal shit right here. Grendel, Smaug, St. George. You’ve been called up. This is the big game. You don’t have to make stupid puns. Flash your feathers like your monkey bravado can impress. I saw a T-Rex fight a comet and lose. You’ve got nothing I want. Here’s something I bet you don’t know:      every time someone writes a story about a dragon a real dragon dies.                  Something about seeing and being seen                  something about mirrors that old tune about how a photograph can take your whole soul. At the end of this poem                  I’m going to go out like electricity in an ice storm. I’ve made peace with it.                  That last blockbuster took out a whole family                  of Bhutan thunder dragons living in Latvia the fumes of their cleargas hoard hanging on their beards like blue ghosts. A dragon’s gotta get zen                  with ephemerality. You want to cut me up? Chickenscratch my leather with butcher’s chalk: cutlets, tenderloin, ribs for the company barbecue, chuck, chops, brisket, roast.                  I dig it, I do. I want to eat everything, too. When I look at the world      I see a table. All those fancy houses, people with degrees, horses and whales, bankers and Buddha statues the Pope, astronauts, panda bears and yes, paladins                  if you let me swallow you whole                  I’ll call you whatever you want. Look at it all: waitresses and ice caps and submarines down at the bottom of the heavy lightless saltdark of the sea                  Don’t they know they’d be safer                  inside me? I could be big for them      I could hold them all My belly could be a city      where everyone was so loved they wouldn’t need jobs. I could be the hyperreal post-scarcity dragonhearted singularity.      I could eat them      and feed them      and eat them      and feed them. This is why I don’t get to be a unicorn. Those ponies have clotted cream and Chanel No. 5 for blood and they don’t burn up like comets with love that tastes like starving to death.      And you, with your standup comedy knightliness, covering Beowulf’s greatest hits on your tin kazoo, you can’t begin to think through      what it takes to fill up a body like this. It takes everything pretty and everything true      and you stick yourself in a cave because your want is bigger than you. I just want to be the size of a galaxy so I can eat all the stars and gas giants without them noticing and getting upset. Is that so bad?                  Isn’t that what love looks like?                  Isn’t that what you want, too? I’ll make you a deal.      Come close up stand on my emeraldheart, my sapphireself the goldpile of my body      Close enough to smell everything you’ll never be. Don’t finish the poem. Not for nothing is it a snake that eats her tail and means eternity. What’s a few verses worth anyway? Everyone knows poetry doesn’t sell. Don’t you ever feel like you’re just a story someone is telling about someone like you?                  I get that. I get you. You and me we could fit inside each other. It’s not nihilism if there’s really no point to anything. I have a secret down in the deep of my dark. All those other kids who wanted me to call them paladins, warriors, saints, whose swords had names, whose bodies were perfect as moonlight      they’ve set up a township near my liver had babies with the maidens they didn’t save      invented electric lightbulbs      thought up new holidays.                              You can have my body                              just like you wanted. Or you can keep on fighting dragons writing dragons fighting dragons re-staging that same old Cretaceous deathmatch you mammals always win.                  But hey, hush, come on. Quit now. You’ll never fix that line.                  I have a forgiveness in me                  the size of eons                  and if a dragon’s body is big enough                  it just looks like the world.                                                          Did you know the earth used to have two moons?

[satelliteofmstielove]

K19 Hangar 18

                                  Aliens or something, I don’t know

General notes

          I always remember that this movie is K19 because it’s Hangar 18 and that for some reason strikes me as mildly funny. From the title I expected it to be about airplanes, but it’s actually about spaceships. Made in 1980, starring people from things. Nothing really to note about the episode. Everyone’s here for the whole thing this time, so let’s get a-rollin’.

 Prologue

Joel pops up from under the desk sounding like he hit his head.

No real intro this time, no Mads. Joel just tells us the name of the movie and we go straight into Movie Sign. Maybe they were pressed for time this week.

 Movie pt. 1

I can’t tell when the guys get into the theater because the version I’m watching is such bad quality. Any black backgrounds make it impossible to see the guys. Later on they started putting a slight filter on the movies to make the silhouettes stand out better.

At 3:22, Joel asks why made-for-TV movies always look different than normal movies. Tom informs him, correctly, that Hangar 18 was shown in theaters. Why is that, actually? It is related to how they’re shot? There’s even a difference in look between different types of TV shows, so I assume that’s why. Does anyone want to inform both me and 1989 Joel?

When the movie astronauts are checking switches and things on the space shuttle at 5:39, Crow asks Joel if he remembered to check their switches and things. Joel doesn’t answer. Several seconds later at 5:47, Servo asks him the same thing, and he says no. Servo seems slightly distressed but lets it be.

Crow’s comment about the movie satellite makes Tom/Josh laugh at 7:26.

Joel messes with the on-screen controls at 7:43, but again, you can barely see him.

Something about Crow’s incredulous tone at 9:10 is really funny.

When you can finally see them, Joel and bots look like they’re sitting closer together than usual.

At 9:54, Joel makes a joke about prune-flavored Tang, and Josh laughs mockingly at it.

So far this whole movie has been half black screens. VHS movie played on UHF TV x old VHS recording + YouTube upload = hard to see.

76° at 6:13, when the time and temperature come up at 12:46. Looks like the Twin Cities are making their way toward summer.

Tom calls commercial at 13:25, Jeopardy-style, and Joel commands it more forcefully at 13:31. They don’t fade out until 13:38, though.

Joel reads the setting caption at 13:47, and Crows remarks a bit petulantly that he can read.

Holy crap, those are big lights on that police car. Also, why does this guy have such a strong Southern accent when they’re in Arizona? And I’m already sick of these captions.

As they leave the theater, Crow says he wants a soda, as if that’s the reason they’re leaving. Servo says he wants some saltines.

 Host Segment 1

 Crow’s wiggly fidgeting is cute. He’s such a little kid in the first few seasons.

Joel tells Crow he’ll need to borrow some of his RAM chips later to increase computing power for some other part of the ship. He doesn’t explain which, but maybe it would be common knowledge for Crow. Apparently, a dangerous meteor shower that could puncture holes in the ship is heading their way, and somehow the extra RAM chips with help with that? Maybe he can use it to increase the ship’s shields (which may or may not exist), or maybe he needs it to calculate a course away from the meteors or something. By the way, is it still called a meteor shower if it’s in space?

The bots have been really into irritating Joel in the past few episodes, and the trend continues here with Crow asking “Why?” and “So?” to everything Joel says. At first he seems sincere, but it quickly becomes clear that he just wants a reaction. It’s not clear if Joel catches on, but either way, he continues patiently explaining.

I love it whenever the bots cuddle up to Joel. Crow seems to know it’s cute and is using to his advantage.

Joel mentions that if he dies from lack of oxygen, the bots with have no human to play Parcheesi with, and implies that always ends badly. Having seen how the bots get along when Joel’s not around, I can imagine how that goes.

Mid-morning pleasure stimulation? Okay…I mean, I’m sure that’s not weird but it sounds weird.

Crow finishes off the whole thing with the classic “Daddy, what’s Vietnam?” and laughs, telling Joel to lighten up. Joel does not think it’s funny and finally snaps. Joel’s interesting; he’s almost impossible to rile, but once riled, he’s got something of a temper. You can see it in segments like his attempted barbershop/soda fountain in Giant Gila Monster [402] and the end of Castle of Fu Manchu [323]. Here he actually tells Crow to go get his belt! I can’t tell if he’s really going to use it on Crow or if he’s just playing along with Crow’s game by being the angry dad. Hope it’s the latter.

Similarly, I can’t tell if Crow’s reaction is real or if he’s still just in little kid mode. Again, I hope the latter is true.

 Movie pt. 2

Crow is making sounds of pain as they come into the theater. Joel tells him to quiet down and Tom teases him and laughs about the ordeal. I guess he really did use the belt. That’s the not the right way to discipline your robot children, Joel.

He also seems to be fixing Crow’s arms or something. They are kinda flimsy.

At 29:57, Crow says something about a “safety seal” and Servo barks like a sea lion. Just made me laugh.

Joel says when he was in 4th grade, he had the same kind of biohazard suit from the movie at 30:31. I’d doubt it, but it’s not impossible, especially given that a) Joel’s weird and b) this show takes place in a version of reality where satellites, robots, and mad science are a pretty casual affair. So who knows? But Joel also says it didn’t have the big mask, so he might have just been talking about a regular raincoat. (Or maybe it was a joke, because riffing. But that’s no fun.)

30: 56- I love Crow’s straightforward approach to things, hahaha.

At 31:09, they’re talking about Meatloaf (the singer) and Crow mentions he likes ketchup on his meatloaf. It’s not related to the joke, but it makes me imagine tiny baby KTMA Crow trying to eat meatloaf at the table with his dysfunctional little arms, which is oddly adorable.

The aliens really do look like Uncle Fester…when the guys sing their version of the Addams Family song (at 36:43), you can hear all three of them snapping (well, at least two). The bots must be able to generate snapping noises.

At 39:20, Joel mentions “Joe Namath Netted Slingshot Briefs”, which become a running comment throughout the rest of the series, especially the Joel era. I’m not getting a picture for this one; I think the BVDs picture from the last entry was enough trauma for all of us.

Wow, mentions of Jackie Coogan and Tor Johnson back to back at 39:55. Little did they know then how many opportunities they would have to talk about Tor Johnson (so many episodes, including The Unearthly [320], Bride of the Monster [423], and The Beast of Yucca Flats [621]). By the time they got to Jackie Coogan (The Space Children [906]), though, none of these original three were there. Here’s a picture of Jackie Coogan for no reason.

Now this airport guy has like a half-Boston, half-Southern accent. Though it is in the southern half of the country, Arizona is not really The South, filmmakers.

At 44:49, Tom goes on making fun of the possibly-crazy airport guy for so long Crow mutters that Joel spanked the wrong bot. That prompts Servo to ask him how his “bot” is; Crow doesn’t respond. 

Crow makes a zing! joke at 45:22, and Joel tells him to “take the laugh” like Dr. F told Larry in the previous episode. Crow says it hurts when he laughs, which makes me wonder how badly Joel spanked him with that belt. Oof. Tom also mentions that load pan-emptying will hurt later. The more I hear about load pans, the more I don’t want to know the details.

As they leave the theater, Crow says he need to get a pillow for some unspecified part of him.

Host Segment 2

Joel attaches what he calls a coupling device to Crow’s head so they can look through his memory and decide what’s worth keeping.

The first memory in the list is “On”. I’m not totally sure what that means, but I’m assuming it’s a necessary function. Maybe it’s the code that allows him to turn on?

Crow knows how to play Heart and Soul? I’d like to see that.

Nobody wants to go through “load pan training” again. My earlier sentiment about load pans has not changed. I would also like to see Tom and Crow’s bunk beds. What do you think the membrane that Crow mentions is? Apparently it’s less pleasant than load pans.

Nobody wants to keep the King Family specials.

They don’t feel like keeping a bunch of Highlights magazines, STP commercials with Mario Andretti, every episode of Punky Brewster, Lyle Waggoner’s penile implant show (???), Joe Something-or-Other’s business school (I wonder if that’s a local thing), Robert Vaughn’s Helsinki Formula, Aaron Gray’s cellulite show, or George Hamilton’s skin care hour. They do, however, want to keep a still of that one Farah Fawcett poster. I won’t bother to put a picture of that here because you’ve probably already seen it.

Joel smiles when Crow makes his buzzer noises.

He asks Crow where he picked up these weird infomercials, and Crow tells him he fell asleep while watching TV23 one night. It sounds like the Brains thought their channel played too many infomercials.

Movie pt. 3

I guess stunt driving isn’t part of the training to become a government agent. Also looks like their car was a Pinto.

The Apache Plaza Joel mentions at 58:03 was local mall in St. Anthony that was damaged by a tornado and then snowmelt. River Place is another spot in Minneapolis.

At 58:43, Crow notes that aliens have nipples like Joel does, as a human. Joel says his are a little more ”pouty.” I don’t know what that means, but ew.

Ah, thank you, movie, for cutting away instead of showing them cutting into the alien, proving once again that you are better than City on Fire. But you can really stop telling us where we are every single time we change locations. If the time is important, fine, put that, but if you’re just moving between places we’ve already been several times, you don’t need to tell us again.

Time and temp pop up again at 1:02:09, 75° at 7:15.

Tom calls commercial at 1:03:12.

Crow makes a good point at 1:05:44- why did it take them so long to even try to figure out where the government was hiding the ship?

Hey, a swear bleep at 1:08:45. The guys react to it, obviously knowing they would have to cut it out for the episode. Servo proceeds to make some “ship” jokes.

You know, these government agents would be a lot less conspicuous if didn’t wear suits everywhere. Also, even if the brakes don’t work, wouldn’t the car, you know, slow down if he stopped pressing the gas? Cars don’t just maintain momentum forever even if they can’t stop. And I’m already predicting this whole petroleum plant thing is going to explode in firey ball of death, killing the new set of G-men, while the astronauts get away.

Wow, Crow makes the same guess at 1:11:28.

Well, I was sort of right. Crow was more right than I was.

Crow’s little “c’mon, c’mon” as they leave the theater is adorable.

 Host Segment 3

They’ve hooked Crow up to the coupling device again, and take a look at his first memory ever.

For some reason the memory isn’t from Crow’s point of view…Anyway, Joel sings a song while finishing Crow up, then whacks him lightly to turn him on. His first sound is a baby cry until Joel whacks him again. Joel tells him name and he asks why, and Joel tells him it stands for “Cybernetic Remotely Operated Woman.”

Current Crow is very surprised to find out he’s a woman, but seems to get over it very quickly.

Joel tells him he’s actually a hermaphrobot because he ran out of parts. Why would running out of parts mean that he had both- you know what, never mind. 

I guess being a woman or hermaphrobot turns Crow into a stressed mother.

But it’s actually a joke anyway ha ha ha, Joel made a fake memory to tease him. Joel tells him that he only made him in the first place so he could play that joke on him in the future. Harsh, man. Joel’s kind of a big jerk in this episode.

Movie pt. 4

 Hey, it’s the plot-relevant radio station, like Invention Exchange from Giant Gila Monster [402].

Crow makes another good point- will the people inside the spaceship survive? It didn’t get burnt up on re-entry when it landed, so maybe they will. OoooOOOOOoooo mystery….

At 1:34:31, Crow also makes a call-back to City on Fire [K16].

Oh, they did survive. Did the guys preview this movie, or are they just that eerily smart? Maybe one of them had seen it before in the past?

Conclusion

This segment is very short, just the guys mentioning that the fan club is almost up to 1,000 members, and showing off the fabulous demon dog that 1,000th member can win. They mention it’s from the opening credits. Demon dogs will show up again in the next season in The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy [102].

Is Crow carrying something over his shoulder? I can’t tell what it is.

The credits cut off in this recording, so hopefully there was nothing terribly interesting or new.

Thoughts on the Movie

          Forgive me the unkindness, but his movie is full of mostly rather ugly people. And Darren McGavin looks like the general from The Iron Giant, and/or Tommy Lee Jones. Which makes sense because the general from the Iron Giant looks like Tommy Lee Jones. Beyond that, I don’t know how I feel about this one. It’s really not that bad, it’s just sort of dumb. I feel like it would have made a more interesting television series than a movie. It has some good moments, but it felt like it was trying to tell two different stories. The longer the movie went on, the more it seemed to lose its focus. On the other hand, I actually cared some when Lou died, which is more than I can say for a lot of movies, even non-MSTed ones. Ending was kinda stupid, though.

          The other main thing that kept bothering me was why the government kept letting the astronauts poke around and potentially muck up the their big cover-up. Why do they even let them out of D.C. or Houston or wherever they were? (I really should remember because of the excessive captioning.) Can’t the Feds just keep them where they are until they’re done lying about the U.F.O.? I mean, that doesn’t sound legal, but neither does tampering with and lying about important scientific information to keep people happy until the election, and they’re already doing that. Half the plot could have been avoided if they’d just been smart enough to stop Bancroft and Price from running around. I guess that’s why they didn’t. But that’s not a good enough reason to suspend my disbelief on that point.  

          Oh yeah, and then it gets into the tired old sci-fi trope of the aliens who are almost exactly like humans and trying to explain with actual science. I don’t have any real problem with human aliens in fiction (Superman, for example, has never bugged me), but when they try to pretend like it makes any sense, that’s where they always lose me. The whole “humans are descended from them” just doesn’t work for me. If the two species were able to breed, wouldn’t they have needed to be very similar to begin with? Then that brings us back to the parallel evolution thing, which makes very little sense in an attempt at hard sci-fi. So yeah, not quite a bad movie, just a mediocre one. It would probably make good material for a modern riff.

Review

          This one was alright. It seemed like they were a little distracted by a semi-watchable movie, so there wasn’t much riffing. I didn’t laugh a whole lot during this episode (favorite riff- Tom: Maybe they’re just a couple of yahoos from Arkansas.) The spots they did riff had a lot of energy, but they seemed to lose it as the movie went on. Maybe the movie wasn’t stupid or infuriating enough to keep them firing. That’s another good reason they wrote and practiced the riffing when they moved on to the wonderful world of cable.

           Not related to the review, but I have a question for my six or seven readers. I mentioned a lot more of my thoughts on the movie in the notes this time- is that annoying, or do you prefer it that way? I got back and forth about whether I should include that there. On the one hand, it’s part of the experience of watching and episode. On the other hand, it’s not really the purpose of this guide. I’ll do whatever works better for you guys, so let me know if you have a preference. Thanks!

[apoemaday]

What the Dragon Said: a Love Story

by Catherynne M. Valente

So this guy walks into a dragon’s lair      and he says why the long tale?                  HAR HAR BUDDY says the dragon                  FUCK YOU. The dragon’s a classic the ‘57 Chevy of existential chthonic threats take in those Christmas colors, those impervious green scales, sticky candy-red firebreath, comes standard with a heap of rubylust goldhuddled treasure.                  Go ahead.                  Kick the tires, boy.                  See how she rides. Sit down, kid, says the dragon. Diamonds roll off her back like dandruff. Oh, you’d rather be called a paladin? I’d rather be a unicorn.                  Always thought that was the better gig. Everyone thinks you’re innocent. Everyone calls you pure. And the girls aren’t afraid they come right up with their little hands out for you to sniff like you’re a puppy and they’re gonna take you home. They let you put your head right in their laps.                  But nobody on this earth ever got what they wanted. Now I know what you came for. You want my body. To hang it up on a nail over your fireplace. Say to some milk-and-rosewater chica who lays her head in your lap look how much it takes to make me feel like a man.                  We’re in the dark now, you and me. This is primal shit right here. Grendel, Smaug, St. George. You’ve been called up. This is the big game. You don’t have to make stupid puns. Flash your feathers like your monkey bravado can impress. I saw a T-Rex fight a comet and lose. You’ve got nothing I want. Here’s something I bet you don’t know:      every time someone writes a story about a dragon a real dragon dies.                  Something about seeing and being seen                  something about mirrors that old tune about how a photograph can take your whole soul. At the end of this poem                  I’m going to go out like electricity in an ice storm. I’ve made peace with it.                  That last blockbuster took out a whole family                  of Bhutan thunder dragons living in Latvia the fumes of their cleargas hoard hanging on their beards like blue ghosts. A dragon’s gotta get zen                  with ephemerality. You want to cut me up? Chickenscratch my leather with butcher’s chalk: cutlets, tenderloin, ribs for the company barbecue, chuck, chops, brisket, roast.                  I dig it, I do. I want to eat everything, too. When I look at the world      I see a table. All those fancy houses, people with degrees, horses and whales, bankers and Buddha statues the Pope, astronauts, panda bears and yes, paladins                  if you let me swallow you whole                  I’ll call you whatever you want. Look at it all: waitresses and ice caps and submarines down at the bottom of the heavy lightless saltdark of the sea                  Don’t they know they’d be safer                  inside me? I could be big for them      I could hold them all My belly could be a city      where everyone was so loved they wouldn’t need jobs. I could be the hyperreal post-scarcity dragonhearted singularity.      I could eat them      and feed them      and eat them      and feed them. This is why I don’t get to be a unicorn. Those ponies have clotted cream and Chanel No. 5 for blood and they don’t burn up like comets with love that tastes like starving to death.      And you, with your standup comedy knightliness, covering Beowulf’s greatest hits on your tin kazoo, you can’t begin to think through      what it takes to fill up a body like this. It takes everything pretty and everything true      and you stick yourself in a cave because your want is bigger than you. I just want to be the size of a galaxy so I can eat all the stars and gas giants without them noticing and getting upset. Is that so bad?                  Isn’t that what love looks like?                  Isn’t that what you want, too? I’ll make you a deal.      Come close up stand on my emeraldheart, my sapphireself the goldpile of my body      Close enough to smell everything you’ll never be. Don’t finish the poem. Not for nothing is it a snake that eats her tail and means eternity. What’s a few verses worth anyway? Everyone knows poetry doesn’t sell. Don’t you ever feel like you’re just a story someone is telling about someone like you?                  I get that. I get you. You and me we could fit inside each other. It’s not nihilism if there’s really no point to anything. I have a secret down in the deep of my dark. All those other kids who wanted me to call them paladins, warriors, saints, whose swords had names, whose bodies were perfect as moonlight      they’ve set up a township near my liver had babies with the maidens they didn’t save      invented electric lightbulbs      thought up new holidays.                              You can have my body                              just like you wanted. Or you can keep on fighting dragons writing dragons fighting dragons re-staging that same old Cretaceous deathmatch you mammals always win.                  But hey, hush, come on. Quit now. You’ll never fix that line.                  I have a forgiveness in me                  the size of eons                  and if a dragon’s body is big enough                  it just looks like the world.                                                          Did you know the earth used to have two moons?

[mealha]

The dreams of children – a photo essay

A dream can represent personal identity, creativity and ambition. Photographer Chris de Bode, working with Save the Children, decided to try to capture a dream in a photo. Most of the children he approached had never been asked the question ‘What do you dream of?’ But all of them had a dream locked up inside, waiting to be heard

Some children knew exactly what their dream was, others needed encouragement but all of them had clear personal motives for the dream. All dreams have the same things in common: they always represent a solution, fulfilment or escape from heartache, longing and ambition.

My father is a rice farmer. He works really hard, but it pays very little. Most people here grow rice, maize or beans. I want to be a different kind of farmer. I want to grow cows! Milk is healthy. It has a lot of proteins and calcium. I learned that in school. I want to have a farm with a lot of cows. People don’t have to pay much to buy the milk.

I dream of living in a peaceful home with a father and a mother. That is normal for most children, but I never had that experience. I felt broken when things got rough at home and I had to be separated from my parents. I learned that a home is very fragile.

I want to be a maths teacher. I read about a girl who was not allowed to go to school. Her parents didn’t have the money for her fees, because they had a debt to a business partner. The girl thought something was wrong, so she stayed up all night to redo the calculations. It turned out it was the other way around: the partner owed her father money! Her father didn’t trust the girl’s calculations so he went to a maths teacher. He told him that his daughter was right. He was so happy and rewarded the girl by sending her to school. I like the story, because it shows how important it is to read, write and understand mathematics.

I want to be the fastest man in the whole world. Everybody at school and in my village will be proud of me. I dream of the moment I arrive in our village with my medal and trophy. Everybody claps and cheers for me. I will be lifted on my friend’s shoulders and my parents will be the proudest of all. To achieve my dream, I practise every day. I can run for hours without sore muscles.

I am very good in volleyball, running and mathematics. I dream of becoming the best volleyball player in the world. I guess that will never happen, so I want to become a heart surgeon in real life.

I was born as Renske, a girl. I was born in the wrong body. I have always felt like a boy. I dream of actually being one. I take masculine hormones. Next year I will have a breast removal surgery. I can’t wait. The hormones cause a lot of damage to my skin. But that is worth it. I enjoy lying in my bed with my binoculars to watch the birds in the sky.

I watch a TV series about a hospital every week. One of the main characters is the heart surgeon. He can always heal his patients. I dream of being him, because my aunt has a heart problem. If I would be the actor, I could make sure she is healthy again.

I was really sick, so my parents took me to Save the Children’s mobile clinic. The doctor gave me an injection and a few hours later, I felt much better. Now, I also want to become a doctor. I want to make other children feel better. I know a doctor earns a lot of money. I would buy a big house for my family and real leather sandals. I would take all my friends to a restaurant to eat pizza. I never ate one in my life, but I have heard that they taste really good.

We never had books in our school. Now we have a nice reading corner where I can sit and read a book. I especially liked the book about a girl who takes care of flowers. I dream of being her. I take really good care of the plants at home. I water them every day and tell them stories. One of our plants has flowers. They smell really good.

I had it all before the war. I was happy. Then the war started. We had to run for our lives. We wanted to take the path through the valley behind me. It is the border between Syria and Jordan. But they flooded the valley so refugees couldn’t pass. We had to walk many extra kilometres. Snipers were shooting at us. Bullets flew everywhere around me. I am lucky to be alive. I don’t know why they did that. I am not the enemy. I am just a boy with simple dreams: I want to be happy again. I am so close to home, but so far away at the same time. It is unreachable, just like a new chance at happiness.

I dream of being a red bird. Red is my favourite colour. I would fly high in the sky and go everywhere. I will fly to my grandmother. She lives around the corner, but birds are faster than my feet. I would also go to my sister. I have to walk for an hour to see her. And I will fly to my aunt in the big city. The blue wall is just around the corner of my house. I pass it a hundred times a day. From now on, I will think of today, my dream and of the photograph. It is so much fun to be the centre of attention.

I dream of many things. After the earthquake in 2010 I had terrible nightmares for a long time. Now I have happy dreams again. Sometimes I dream of becoming a taxi driver and sometimes of being Michael Jackson.

Many girls are not allowed to go to school or only for a couple of years. Then they are required to help at home, to get married or go to work. I am lucky that I can still go to school. I love all animals, especially dogs. People usually don’t take good care of their pets. I want to become a veterinarian, so I can help these poor animals. I will have to study hard, but I am determined.

I saw a TV programme about the universe. It was so fascinating. Now I dream of flying into space. I want to go to the moon. It must be fantastic to see our planet from space. I wonder if I would recognise India. Becoming an astronaut is my goal in life.

People were very sad after the earthquake. They lost family members, friends and their houses. When I play the clown, I can make people laugh again. I feel sad when people are sad.

I want to be a king. The first thing I would do is give people safety and security. People don’t have that in Afghanistan. My country is the most unsafe place to live in the whole world. If I were king, I would also make sure that everybody in Afghanistan has a job. If each family has an income, nobody has to live in poverty. Unemployment is a big problem. People get bored when they don’t work and they start to fight. A king faces many problems. It must be hard to be a king.

I always have to wear my nieces’ hand-me-downs. I never had the experience of picking the prettiest dress in a shop. I want to feel beautiful in clothes that reflect who I am. The slum is smelly and dirty. There are people and garbage everywhere. I am sure that I would feel much better here with new clothes. I would look like a movie star. Everybody would turn their heads and say: ‘Sabina is the most beautiful girl in the slum.’

Continue reading... from Photography | The Guardian https://ift.tt/2QgVrmX

[dinoalexander]

The Semi-Quotable 2017 Part The Final

Okay, you bore with us this long. BIG FINISH TIME!

——

"He looks like a rash fucked an even bigger rash." -Another tweet Jennifer saw

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. And now I’m going back to my Chinese food.” -Scott Rogowsky

“*trying to hype my friend up to go talk to some dude she’s been eyeing* If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 years, you can believe in yourself for 5 minutes. Now go press your booty up against his front bump by accident, on purpose. Go get that dick girl!” -Drunk Leslie

"Fuck that "drop the mic" bullshit. Only Prince could throw a yellow guitar in the air, walk away like nothing happened, and the guitar never comes back down. At that point, the venue should just call it, because they have nothing more to show you, ever again. That's right...Prince was Sex Yoda." -Laura

"Why are we pre-empting The Price is Right for Donald Trump saying that Russian Prostitues didn't urinate on him? Can't we just put this on Jerry Springer instead and call it day? ON THE NEXT JERRY SPRINGER: This show has been brought to you by the letter Pee." -Gordon

“That is a sexy women’s scarf.” -C

Sick Jackie: Pray for me to make it through the night.

Q: Are you sure you just don't want for me to pray to God to end your life quickly?

"Is Public Enemy okay for a kids' dance recital?" -Shannon

"FUCK YOU, MARK GATISS. FUCK YOU WITH A PORCUPINE SIDEWAYS." -Laura

"My bishop is going to kill me." -Match Game contestant.

Nick: If they are still here by 2pm I will kill you.

Gordon: If they are still here by 2pm I will kill them first and you will help me dig a trench by the railroad tracks outside and we'll make a blood pact to bury the bodies.

Nick: Deal

"Is there a "fun way" to suck ass?" -Cindy

“The person who tires of watching “Blockbusters” is a person who is tired of life itself.” -Adam

"People in LA are deathly afraid of gluten. I swear to god you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel." -Ryan Reynolds

"And Jenny McCarthy just gave her hooker heels...I mean boots to some young kid. Way to pay it forward to the kids." -Jim (RIP)

"I MADE THE QUOTE WALL! EVERYTHING'S COMING UP BRIAN!" -Brian, on SQ2K16QQ

"Like a space bus?" -girl astronaut in TWC commercial

“Because glitter is the herpes of arts & crafts.” -Q

“There needs to be a sex position called the Gruden Grinder.” -Jordan

“Why does Taylor Swift look like an Evangelion reject?” -C

"That is the truthiest truth that ever truthed, Jenni Leigh. #meandjenniwaslikepeasandcarrots." -Molly B

"I kissed a cat at Midnight. Who am I to judge at this point?" -Klaussie

"Hey, its that guy from that thing!" -C

"#GameShowsAreAlive" -Jordan

"TOTALLY.... inappropriate." -Jenna

"I cannot even find the words to express to you how little I care about your problems. Suffice it to say, I don't give a shit. Now go away." -Q

"Ok ABC, we don't need to see Jenny McCarthy laying on the ground with her damn feet up in the air." -Carl

"That only goes on the Quote Wall if you are 12." -Q

"It's the NEW Game show that's Sweeping the Land! Defend Donald Trumps' Tweets! Today's contestant is a $125,000 winner on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire, a 6 time game show winner, and the lone Reupblican Holdout in Brooklyn New York, Mr. Jason Block!" -Gordon

"A fond farewell to thee, Felicia." -Kat

"This is a message to all the parents out there, if you don't let your kids play video games, one day it may cost them $400,000." -Chris Hardwick

C: "Serious Jay is serious."

Jay: "Serious about saving you money on a new-or-used whatever-it-is!"

"Mariah Carey just puttin' a perfect bow on 2016. That shit was performance art and whatnot." -George Wallace

"Aaaaaaaand we've lost Jordan." -Q

"My New Year's resolution is 1366x768." -Jessica

"Mel B > Jenny McCarthy. Take that to the bank." -Coby

"Are we making Ryan Reynolds the patron saint of the Quote Wall now?" -C

“Everybody settle down and keep your clothes on! I MEAN YOU... CHICO!!!” -Q

“GIZMO. IS NOT. A GREMLIN.” -Gordon

“#mogwailivesmatter.” -Jay

"Unless you're Donnie Wahlberg." -Q

“If you’re someone who has left my life, please don’t bother hitting me with that “Merry Christmas” text. You are Feliz Navidead to me.” -Leslie

"Take your broken heart, and make it into art." -Carrie Fisher

".... BITCHES BE SHOPPIN'." -Hannibal Buress

“Quoth Alabama, "Never Moore"” -Chelsea

"1924! 1957! 1982! 1993! 2005! 2009! MAKE ROOM FOR 2017! THE TAR HEELS ARE THE NATIONAL DADGUM CHAMPIONS!!" -Jones Dadgum Angell, the Dadgum Voice of the Tar Heels

"Calling it a night here. Help control the zombie population. Have Negan on speed dial. Good night, everybody." -Doug

“Fuck Gene Kelly, you motherfucker!” -Albert Rosenfield

“Get over it, you’ll be dead soon.” -Shea-Ra

“In Suzy’s defense, that IS how you make Excedrin. Salicylic acid... acetaminophen... caffeine.” -C

“Imagine: At the end of 2017, end of year, everyone is celebrating. Countdown, "...3, 2, 1..." when suddenly we hear a booming, omnipresent voice: “Thank you for playing the 'Earth' open beta. You will be returned to your respective galaxies as the testing phase has now concluded. Please remember to submit your feedback on this experience for your complimentary 25 credits good towards any purchase in the Skymall."” -Chelsea

"Change doesn't come from presidents. Change comes from large groups of angry people. And if Day 1 is any indication, you are part of the largest group of angry people I have ever seen." -Aziz Ansari

“Oh there it is. Silly old universe. The more I save it, the more it needs saving. It's a treadmill. Yes, Yes I know they'll get it all wrong without me. Well I suppose one more lifetime won't kill anyone. Well, except me. You wait a moment, Doctor. Let's get it right. I've got a few things to say to you. Basic stuff first. Never be cruel, never be cowardly, and never ever ever eat pears. Remember, hate is always foolish and love is always wise. Always try to be nice but never fail to be kind, oh and you mustn't tell anyone your name - no-one would understand it anyway. Except children, children can hear it, sometimes if their hearts are in the right place and the stars are too, children can hear your name - but nobody else, nobody else, ever. Laugh hard, run fast, be kind. Doctor, I let you go." -Peter Capaldi’s final words as The Doctor

"Namaste, motherfuckers." -CC

"... does that mean he's not coming on then?" -James May

——

Here’s to 2018, fam.

Come together, just think of tomorrow.