#Ill be sure to edit some good ones soon so yall can read :))

[seijch]

ANNOUNCEMENT: NOT A HELLO, BUT NOT A GOODBYE EITHER

omg hi ... im like . ashamed to come back after saying brief hiatus in october and then disappearing off the face of the earth til FEBRUARY but under the cut i will be explaining myself and the following, if youre interested (and a tl;dr at the very bottom if you don’t wanna scroll thru this obnoxiously long post):

the reason(s) i was gone for so long

what i was doing during that time (its just a personal account yall can scroll past this idrc)

the status of those um . halloween requests

the future of this account

i. so . Hiatus .

i know. i know . i probably mentioned it when i made the announcement post, but my mental health likes to go on one of those rides. yknow the ones where you go like up rlly fast then down maybe and then up then DOWN .... its like that. i needed a break and every time i wanted to come back or thought about it, something would happen and i would get stuck in my own head.

a big reason for getting stuck in my head was (and i hate to admit this ... i hate to admit that i have Insecurities On The Internet) my feelings of inadequacy regarding my writing. i love to plot fics, i love concepts and characters and making little headcanons but i dont ... know if i love writing rn. and i thought for the longest time that like . whatever ill just push thru it its fine ill be fine but it kinda wasnt lmao you can kinda see it in my halloween reqs and what become of them when i get to that but i began to feel like nothing i had put out or would put out would hold up prose wise (and normally i dont feel like this im much more “idc its my life im living it” but thats not a rant for tumblr LMAO). i still feel like that -- like im better as a reader than a writer. but . You Know :-)

tl;dr: mental state go brrrrr

ii. anywhere here’s wonderwall

when i left, i was in a steadily decreasing mental and emotional state, made worse by a situation at work that really was a case of petty jealousy on my end and rlly isnt very consequential now despite how much pain and resentment it gave me when it Was a problem so i wont get into it. the tl;dr of november and december was me using work as an crutch and distraction -- i know my job, i do it well, it helped me not think about my responsibilities and obligations and inadequacies. of course, as the holiday season grew busier n busier i was scheduled so often that i moved 88 or so miles (according to my apple watch, which i ONLY wear at work since im never anywhere else outside my house) and fell into a cycle of showering n sleeping at my house before going back the next day. (theres definitely something to be said abt capitalism and “grind culture” here but once again its not the time or place snsjkdfds)

at the turn of the new year, i happened to remember a birthday card i hadnt filed away for safekeeping from a friend of mine that id been horribly out of touch with til that point. i started crying because i realized how out of touch id been in general up until that point. the month of january was great for me: i was focused, happy, and in a much better place than i had been before. the end of it brought me down focus wise and im hoping that enough time away from my distractions will refocus me bc i ... need it LMAO and though ive burned out from that level of productivity and gotten distracted again im ... trying to stay positive which i think is the most i can do 😁👍🏼

media wise, i got real into stardew valley (but burned out bc i played it extensively as a way to wind down after work), the pokemon platinum romhack renegade platinum (still havent finished it bc of school n i played it w the intent to see if i could nuzlocke it ... bitch its so hard but its so fun bc of it), briefly assassins creed: odyssey (im one of those ppl who completes an entire region before i move to the next so you can tell i burned out of that one + wouldnt have the time to properly devote to it even if i didnt), got back into genshin impact after pulling for xiao (after not touching it for like . months), and danganronpa. yes . danganronpa 😐 i Know. i stopped playing it after the second trial of the first game bc i was so hurt by the outcome and picked it up in late january only to get sucked in (thank god i had the foresight to buy the second and third games during the steam winter sale). rn im at the start of chapter 4 if anyone wants to come in my asks and um . talk to me abt danganronpa

tl;dr: I’m Into Danganronpa Now

iii. you realize halloween was three months ago right

i mentioned this in the first section, but i love to plot things. every request is plotted or at least has a solid foundation. i had fun detailing what concept i wanted to go with considering what i was given, and there were some bangers i might touch up in the future. but heres whats going to happen to the requests themselves:

there are two finished requests. one will be posted tomorrow and the other will be touched up (just bc i finished it doesnt mean its good 🧍‍♂️) and scheduled for next saturday. as for the ones i never got around to ...

i will not be finishing those requests. i hate to be That Person, but i feel like we all expected this 🧍‍♂️ what i will do is post all of my notes for each request in batches -- requests that have an @ to go with them will be mentioned in the post proper, but anon asks will be pictured. (there are some asks that came from blogs who are now deactivated but i wrote down all the prompts and remember most of those askers so ill cross that bridge when i get there) there will most likely be an excerpt or two simply bc i think i mightve written a few plot points or interactions in the form of bullet points. i rlly am sorry about doing this but i remember looking at my notion doc with all the prompts and feeling ... like i wasnt measuring up n it wasnt just to myself or to some intangible concept of “other” id constructed but it was instead to those who requested n actually WANTED to see and hear and read my writing and i ...... im gonna admit thats another big reason i avoided this site.

regardless, youll definitely get what i have (and likely more than just my bullet points and illegible handwriting).

tl;dr: im sorry. what i have in terms of plot, concept, and interaction for every request will be posted, but i cant say ill ever complete them and mean it.

iv. so what now?

well i mean . im not entirely sure how sold i am on haikyuu in the content creation department (as a creator n to a lesser extent, as a consumer). as mentioned previously, its no longer my primary focus. it doesnt mean im not into haikyuu anymore; i have a lot of love for those boys but i cant rlly say im even caught up w recent fandom activity and also havent even finished s4 pt2 LMAO thats on my to do list

and despite all that, i still want to share my plots n concepts and snippets and maybe even fics. it wont happen anytime soon. it might not even happen. but i mean . its better than me saying i wont write ever again shjdkfs but either way ill probably use this blog as a personal blog w the occasional ask game for dialogue prompts (those are always so fun i love making up aus to fit like . the most mundane prompts)

as for my works (past and any potential future), ive opened an ao3 acc here n ill be editing n possibly expanding on my old works to post there. tumblr, to me, is The x reader hub, but i figure more x reader fics on ao3 is never a bad thing.

ill be deleting/posting drafted posts to the queue since they were all meant to be queued anyway as well as (sorry again 🧍‍♂️) deleting or answering asks in the inbox. (moots if you get a notif from me saying i rbed your post from months ago ... mind your business) im very hard to get ahold of and its ... a problem. expect an overhaul of the nav n shit to reflect my new direction n also because i feel like i cant tell if my passion for carrd is shared by the majority HSDKLFS maybe its better to read my info in a normal post ykwim .......

and of course . if youve read all this n decided im no longer worth the follow, i sure as hell cant stop you. thank you for wanting to, at some point, hear what i have to say -- it means more than you think.

tl;dr: writing will be edited and reposted to ao3, this blog will be a personal blog with a hint of writing (sometimes)

the tl;dr to end all tl;drs:

im back! i wont be as active as i used to due to a lessened interest in haikyuu in general, but i have an ao3 acc now where all my past work will be edited, possibly expanded, and reposted. any future work will also find itself there. my halloween requests will be posted in batches as incomplete concepts, plots, and snippets of scenes; i wont be promising to finish any of them.

there are still fic concepts im attached to and want to finish, but i cant promise any more writing on my end. this blog will be a personal blog with maybe writing, not a writing blog with my personal thoughts all over it.

regardless if you stick around or not, its been crazy sexy cool (equal emphasis) being on haikyuu tumblr even tho i wasnt around for long ... even tho its not my main focus anymore, im still excited to see what the future might hold 🤝

love, ari 💌

[mysticmikalla]

I GOT A HEADCANON FOR GODMIKALLA: The RFA’s reaction to Yoosung commiting suicide

*TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE, DEPRESSION, SELF HARM*

Yall i could barely write this bc my vision was blurry with tears, there was a lump in my throat all throughout writing and editing this but I hope you all enjoy it, and please don’t read if if you feel it might trigger you!

Now there is  a gaping whole in my chest so deep, someone please recommend me some Yoosung fluff so I can get over this pain

***

They were too late.

By the time Seven found him, his pulse was barely there and his last breaths were being taken. The white tile of the bathroom floor was now painted red with tears, blood and water.

The image of his friend’s stained and lifeless body, face frozen with pain and despair was Seven’s new haunting. The hacker had gone to check on him after a day of inactivity from the blond boy, and what he found was enough to shake their little organization forever.

Saeyoung was powerless and he felt his friend’s life dripping out of him by the wrists

“No, no, no, no,” He rushed towards his body, ripping a piece of his shirt and tightening it around his bleeding wrists, hoping to stop the oozing of warm, red liquid, “What did you do?! Yoosung, wake up. Please wake up!” He pleaded, but the body in his arms was unresponsive.

He broke every single traffic rule by rushing him to the hospital, but by the time he got there, Yoosung Kim was no more.

The news of his death spread like wildfire through the RFA. Saeyoung Choi had no memory of typing the words with shaky hand in the chatroom, his mind switching to automatic mode as the shock of what had just happened paralyzed him.

He was able to take in the member’s expression as they arrived one by one in the hospital, one more horrified than the other.

The first one to arrive was Zen, followed closely by V, and then Jaehee and Jumin, who arrived together.

Please let this be a prank. Please let this be one of Seven’s horrible pranks. Please.

No matter how much they silently prayed, the cooling body of their friend on the hospital bed was no prank. As the RFA gathered around in the lobby, trying to make sense of what happened, why it had happened, they all felt a deep emptiness as the space the gamer usually took up beside Seven was empty. There was one too few members, the sight of Yoosung’s usually colorful attire and bleached hair nowhere to be seen.

The organization wasn’t complete anymore, and it would never be again.

The silver-haired man had a lump so big in his throat, he could barely speak. The actor had never know greater pain than this, than losing one of his closest friends.

Memories of all the times he spent with him burned a whole in his mind. Memories that were supposed to be cheerful ones were now forever tainted. All the times Yoosung had looked up to him, the nights he would come to Zen for advice and they would end up getting drunk together slowly tortured him. The realization that he would never get to scold him, laugh and joke with him, eat his horrible-but improving- food finally sunk in, and Zen realized he had just lost his little brother.

The sight of him breaking down right there in the middle of the busy lobby was what triggered the rest of their reactions. Jaehee clamped her hands over her mouth in disbelief, shoulders shaking lightly as she sobbed. V felt his knees growing weak, and had to lean on Jumin for both physical and emotional support. But Jumin wasn’t doing any better. No matter how much he searched, he could not find the right words to say. There were no right words.

Seven just stood there, hands trembling and mind blank. Images of Yoosung’s dimpled smile and the last expression of pain he ever wore tortuously clashing in his mind, and he wanted nothing more than for his mind to stop. He needed it to stop.

As soon as she got home, and for weeks after, Jaehee frantically reread previous chat logs from when the boy was still alive. She was horrified with herself as she read all the things she had said to him, how she ignored Zen and Seven’s constant teasing of him and said some harsh things she thought to be true at the time. Had this been it? Was it because of the things they mindlessly said to him? Was it because of her constant comparison to Zen that felt he wasn’t good enough?

The guilt she felt was tremendous, and for days she shook with sobs, the absence of the blond boy being much greater than she could have possibly imagined. They had never been too close, Jaehee and him, and yet he was always there, cheering her on during her endless work hours. Even though he was innocent and naive, Jaehee found comfort in his late night words as he played LOLOL and she worked.

Yoosung, please come back. I promise I’ll be better to you. Please come back, please…

But it was no use pleading, which made it all the more frustrating.

His death hadn’t really sunk in for Jumin until after the funeral. All  of his family and the RFA members gathered, with the exception of the redhead. Everyone mourned the loss of the once bright and lively Yoosung, who’s last moments and words would forever remain unknown.

It would take months, no, years for the businessman to stop thinking about his old friend daily. Logically, he knew that there was nothing he could have done. He knew that suicide and mental illnesses such as depression went beyond his comprehension, but he couldn’t help himself from wondering.

Was there anything I could have done? Perhaps if I had been more persistent with that internship or made him a better offer, he wouldn’t have felt the need to do what he did?

Maybe the just needed something to look forward to?

Jumin’s memory was sharp, and he could recall all the times Yoosung whined about being feeling helpless, how he could never succeed and have the life Jumin had.

And it clicked for him then. Yoosung wasn’t whining, he was crying for help. All those times he talked about how he hated the life he had, that he wasn’t good enough or motivated enough to do anything, he wasn’t whining. He was seeking help from them, wanting desperately for someone to come for him. But nobody came. Nobody was there to support him.

And now he was gone.

Nobody saw Jumin’s tears. He made sure to mourn for his friend in the privacy of his home. He attempted to use work as an escape from those painful thoughts, but his mind kept wandering back to the blond.

“Help me… help me. Why couldn’t you help me, Jumin? Why weren’t you there when I needed all of you?”

V’s mind worked similarly with his friend’s. But as an old habit of his, Jihyun dug up every conversation, call, texts and interactions the two had ever shared and found fault in them, and found fault in himself. The mint-haired man could not sleep for weeks. The second he closed his eyes, he would see him. He would notice all the things he couldn’t before; how empty his eyes were, how forced his smile seemed. He appeared to have lost some weight and it was evident wouldn’t really go out anymore, just lock himself up in the solitude of his home.

Yoosung’s long sleeve shirts and sweater during the summer should have been indication enough.

He should have known. He should have fucking seen his pain! Jihyun should have been there for him, supported him instead of just brushing over the boy’s pain. The warning signs were there, they were written all over the chatroom and his expressions.

How could he have missed it? How could he have been so selfish and not cared about those close to him enough to save them? How could he fail everyone he loved?

“V,” Jumin would try to sound as collected as possible for his friend, but his own guilt was heavy in his voice, “You know it isn’t your fault.”

Jihyun would nod at his words, but not listen. It didn’t matter how much he blamed himself or not, Yoosung was not coming back.

Seven only visited his grave months after his death. He had seen his cold and lifeless eyes, he had picked his limp body up and felt his pulse disappear, but Saeyoung would not accept what had happened. He had known Yoosung for years, and there was just no way he could accept that he was longer there.

It couldn’t be? Suicide? Impossible. Yoosung would never…He wouldn’t…He can’t have…!

But he did.

The truth tormented the hacker with a million knives to his heart whenever he thought of him. He tried to imagine his last thoughts. How much pain did someone have to be in to go through with that?, he wondered.

Yoosung always had such soft and smooth skin, and he hated getting hurt. Did he suffer a lot as the razor made contact with his skin?

Was he scared? Oh, God, he was scared, the poor boy was terrified. He was so scared and alone, and his cries wouldn’t reach anybody’s ears.

“He was alone,” He sobbed, kneeling in front of his grave, the rock that settled in his chest getting heavier and heavier with each passing second, “He was alone…You were alone…I’m sorry, Yoosung, I’m sorry. Please come back. I’m so fucking sorry.”

For weeks the RFA chatroom was quiet. Nobody wanted to disturb the logs, the only thing Yoosung’s death hadn’t reached. In those logs, he was still alive and smiling.

The first few days after his death, everyone was pointlessly hoping to see the familiar Yoosung has entered the chatroom, but it never came. It would never come again.

His emojis and texting style were now abandoned, but Seven refused to get rid of them. He refused to remove his old account from the app.

“He’s still part of the RFA,” He insisted with a shaky voice as he took a break in between sobs, “He’ll always be a part of the RFA, I can’t remove him, I can’t…He needs to be able to log in when he comes back.”

Jaehee held back tears as she saw her friend start to fall apart, “Luciel…He’s not-He’s not coming back.”

“He is! I know he he. He wouldn’t leave us-” His words were swallowed by a violent sob erupting from his throat, “He wouldn’t leave us without saying goodbye.”

There was no note, no nothing.

The last thing Yoosung had ever said in the chatroom was a, “I’ll be going now!”, and they couldn’t help but wonder…was this it? Had he already decided do leave this world when typed those words?

Yoosung hadn’t even said goodbye to his friend in LOLOL. He just logged out one day without a word and never came back, leaving his friends to wonder what happened to Superman Yoosung.

They would never know that he was found dead in his bathtub mere hours later.

And perhaps it was better that they didn’t know. They could forever remember him as the happy-go-lucky Yoosung, always positive and supportive of everyone.

And that happy-go-lucky boy would never smile again. He’d never share his jokes and thoughts with anyone, he’d never get to experience the joys that came with the inevitable hardships of adulthood. He would never have his first kiss or a first love, and Yoosung would never get married. He never got to travel the world and see new things like he wanted to.

His life was cut too short, his sadness burying him so deep, nobody could reach him anymore.

What pained his loved one the most was just that fact. If only he held on a little longer, if only they paid more attention to him, if only they hadn’t said certain things…He could have had it all. He could have made it through those tough times and reached the good ones, the happy times.

If, if, if…

Their most despised word. The word that haunted and drove them to the brink of madness with those endless thoughts of unexplored possibilities of an alternate universe.

But the truth still remained the same;

Yoosung was gone. There were no if’s about it.

***Hey guys so another lil author’s note here. This was by far the heaviest thing I’ve ever written, it hit so close to home. And I hate the thought that there are probably some of you who feel the same way or have these same thoughts and I would be beyond heartbroken if you guys don’t get the help of support you need!

So I’ll link some hotlines here that I found to be really helpful if you ever need to talk to someone or seek help. I know this is super cliché, but you are definitely not alone, and there are so many people who love you and would miss you if you were gone.

And it does get better. It really does, so even if you feel like the world is crushing you now, please just hang on a little longer. I promise it will get better.

Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433

Masterlist of other possible helplines you may need

Stay safe and smiling!!

[celestialallstars]

Episode #6: “Can i PLEASE get a blindside.” - Jared

ok so basically the game has been sooo quiet and ive like.  felt dead. idk. i had a breakdown last night bc of it and i cried on my couch (KNOW THERE WAS A LOT MORE THAN THIS LKSDJGKLDSGLS I WOULDNT CRY PURELY BC OF THAT) but yaaa and now im better but like the entire day i was throwing up in class (or like feeling anxious im exaggerating sorry) about going home.

i didnt want mo out but with that being said i didnt want anyone out?? after i mentioned to him that stephen/mo were targeting each other, rhys came to me with the idea that like him jared chloe and i should make a chat, and i was down for that bc it would secure my positioning and like ALSGKSDG who'd flip on an alliance THIS early.. right?? right..

chloe was really not talkative with me. stephen/jared were active so i appreciate that immensely. im just thrown off. i dont really know who i can or cant trust.

OK ALSO SIDE NOTE CHRIS SENT ME [IM NOT EXAGGERATING] 55+ MSGS SPILLING TEA ABOUT HOW THE TUATHA HAD AN OG ALLIANCE WITH EVERYONE BUT MITCH + MAYNOR - which i knew about but LASKGLDKS AHHHH. and he leaked that stephen wanted kori/bryce targeted and i leaked that to bryce to further stephens target. IM JUST SO MESSY LOL

also i kind of predicted a swap likeee omfg. and i dont know how i feel. i kind of felt safe on my tribe??? but like.. oh no. anyway, my tribe isnt super dominant in challenges or anything (compared 2 the other tribe who has bryce/stephen/drew), but i think we can win a lipsync since we have a woman, gay men, and a metrosexual male who has an outgoing personality (and i mean that in the nicest way obviously). IDK I HOPE WE WIN BC THAT TRIBAL WAS HORRIFIC AND I LOVE MO SO MUCH AND AHH.

ill probs give a video soon in more depth with what chris said. yalls deserve it.. oops period.

I HOPE YALL CAN FORGIVE ME. im eating hotdog. bye bye love u all.

Wow I like the whole tribe! Alyssa is probably my front runner of talking and honestly she's great! I am in her spell ahhhh but hey JARED is here too woo! I think at least with Mitch and Zach too I'll be safe but I'll see! This challenge could either go really well or really badly for us but I'm excited to do anything creativity!!

I absolutly love my tribe at the moment, i'm getting along well with alot of them except Kori who i haven't spoken to much at all but im confident in our abilities to win! Jared is talking a little bit about wanting the game to pick up a little bit and i agree to some extent however blindsiding someone just for the sake of a blindside isn't smart gameplay so im just gonna lay low nd continue making those strong bonds here there and everywhere to hopfully come out on top should we end up at tribal

Can i PLEASE get a blindside

________________________________________________________________

hi it's 6 am but rhys fucking filmed vertically so if we lose he automatically has my vote

I feel good but also scared. I dont think I'll do as good of a job as I hope, but it also is turning out decently so far. My biggest concern is time. With having work tomorrow, I can only do the editing on my lunch break of 90 minutes, then whenever i get home which probably wont be until 6, given the upload time that leaves me with about 3 hours in total. Hopefully I'll be able to work with Rhys and Jack's stuff, as i think it'll be easier for me to do it then. Regardless, I'm gonna be a zombie but LOL this is the second Wednesday in a row I stayed up late except this is not for school and instead of 3 hours, ima get 2 hours of sleep haha that is so sad and funny and heebee jeebee zoinks, alright goodnight

Two things: 1) there's really nothing quite like making a fool of yourself multiple times in a single org, just to be immune for one round. 2) i am horrible at looking for idols

So Matt just told me he thinks we’re gonna have a double tribal right before merge which is like ew I hate that throw it out please, speaking of throwing out uh Kori can go because he’s wearing on my nerves like yes we’re gonna get things done on time calm down please and thanks.

these people are actually delulu if they think that video is winning. no fucking way we are winning. time to go to tribal!

So the swap has happened, and I get what is almost probably my worst case scenario player-wise. All of my close allies, with the exception of Kori, are currently on Cyrena. Meaning that winning immunity isn't even really good, since it puts them in danger.

I think there's a way to make this bad situation good though. Getting to finally work with Michael, Matt, Loris, and Drew can actually be a blessing in disguise. If I get on their good sides now, they might clue me into their plans once merge rolls around. That's the hope, anyway. For now my goal is just to survive being swapped with a bunch of people I've barely spoke to!

The past 24 hours have been major toughie for me. Staying up late and then trying to manage editing a video, work, and time constraints, and I won't lie, its been exhausting, but I didn't want to let my tribe down, or anyone down I guess. A little ways through, I kinda felt pretty defeated and then learning at last minute it was due an hour before I predicted made me panic A LOT internally, but it does seem like the tribe likes it so if we do lose and if they do vote me out, I can look back at this and feel like I did something right.

Well a lots happened and to be honest at times life and this game move too quick for me to even remember if I've mentioned it. We swapped, and I'm trying to just keep myself afloat however I can.

The challenge was overly stressful and I have no idea if we'll pull it out. Editing has been so stressful and I've found new appreciation for the people that do it. I just hope whatever I whip together will just be enough so that I can breathe and really take stalk of my new situation.

So, I haven't been around a whole bunch recently. However I'm glad we didn't go to tribal, that could've been  a reason if my name came up. So I'm glad I have time to more cement my bonds on this tribe and keep my name out of peoples mouths.

We JUST WON IMMUNITY WOOHOO. I was kind of nervous with a music challenge considering the only other one I did previously I did not do the greatest in :P. Both videos were amazing and im so glad Eve and Jones's mom liked ours significantly greater than the other one! As far as my position is concerned, I am reunited with Jared and our relationship is still strong I think so that's good. Stephen I am HOPING will be ok by just latching on to Kori at least for premerge. Those two are still the ones I trust the most, but I also like Alyssa Chris and Zach. I WISH i could connect more with jack, but i feel like every time we play together it gets more difficult to hold a conversation, so that's a yikes. Jared myself and stephen are diligently working on the idol search, but it's likely already found. I'm pretty sure there are too many components for someone to just find it by themselves

WELL. Im a target tonight! God we really do love that for me. We really do. Kori, eat my fucking ass. You leave me on read all the time. And then you have the NERVE. THE ACTUAL NERVE. to be like "omg stop slipping in my dm's!" Boo if you didn't leave me on read constantly then maybe i would actually want to speak to you! an actual moron. And then STEPHEN HAS THE FUCKING AUDACITY to me like "ya lol i'll be at tribal i'll make the decision between you and Kori at tribal!". BOI. THAT IS NOT HOW YOU GET TRUST IN SOMEONE. Its fucking ridiculous. Thank god Michael is in my corner, hopefully drew and bryce too. I am NOT getting 15th right now, no way. I am BETTER than this. i am going to make it work, tim gunn style. maybe its time to break the fajitas and channel their energy once again

Why do I go on the initiative literally ever? I'm clearly bad at it, I wasn't even remotely thinking things through and I SHOULD have let Stephen or someone else suggest someone but no I had to be mildly greedy and wanna send home Matt whom I barely DM.

I already flopped editing the video, and now here I am flopping the social/stategy game that I love playing supposedly.

Of course I tried reaching out to Michael and Drew FOOLISHLY because I wanted to build trust and maybe work with them. So naturally Michael tells Matt because ofc they'd be close as would Drew probably since he and Michael have been together since Day 1. As it stands I'm stuck praying Loris is gonna vote with me and it just sucks because I'm so bad at this game.

I'm trying to keep a cool head right now because there's still time. Stephen and I are trying to work logistics, see if we need to switch the vote to say Michael in case of an idol, but I'm not sure Loris/Bryce would be on board for that.

There's a pretty good chance that I'm definitely dead. But I'ma fight to the bitter end!

Today I learned from Stephen that Kori is in some dangerous water. He I guess said Matt's name to Michael who told Matt and now them and Drew are voting Kori. However Bryce and Stephen and perhaps Loris are all voting Matt. Now this is good if it works because honestly that group having to endure their numbers dwindling is good for my game. It only leaves Jack and Alyssa but I think we better be careful because I can see both of them slipping through the inevitable war zone that is gonna be happening.

Today's been a pretty informative day for me. After losing the immunity challenge by a hair, I was worried because I didn't think I had bonded very well with my current tribe through One World, luckily for me, that doesn't seem to be their biggest concern at the moment.

During the initial stages of the vote, I talked to Kori and the two of us decided Matt would be the easiest target to take out. I was leaning towards voting Matt because we hadn't talked very much, so hearing Kori was on board right away simplified things for sure. Bryce and Loris both seem to be on board with it too so I shouldn't have anything to worry about at this point.

In the morning, things got a whole lot more complicated. Matt found out he was the target through Michael, and began his campaign to get Kori out instead of himself. I'm not entirely sure why Michael decided to do this, but it doesn't make much of a difference at this point. Matt campaigned to me, and I sorta pretended to be on the fence. I was listening to what he said, but Kori is realistically one of my closest allies, there's no way I'm voting him out to side with people I had just met.

Once campaign season got under way, I had a conversation with Chris. Chris tells me that on original Orfeo, him, Loris, and Zach believed there was an alliance of Chloe/Sharky/Drew/Michael formed. This explains not only why Sharky was seen as an easy boot on swap-Tuatha, but also why Michael wants to keep Matt instead of Kori. With Chloe re-joining after tribal, him/Drew/Chloe/Matt would form a tight majority. Without Matt, they're a minority.

I proposed an idea to switch the vote from Matt to Michael or Drew. I said it was because I was worried about an idol, but this alliance is the real reason I wanted to do it. However, Kori, Loris, and Bryce are comfortable with the status quo and since it's not my neck on the line I didn't feel the need to push too hard.

Me, Kori, and Bryce now also have an alliance with Loris, which is cool? I haven't gotten very close with Loris yet but he seems like a smart player tied to Chris and Zach which spells good things for us working together in the future. Assuming I survive this vote and have a future, of course.

hi I think I might make it past final 15 that’s nice umm... I suggested an alliance of me Bryce Stephen Kori to counter the potential power of chloe Matt Michael and drew once chloe joins our tribe because my brain is massive. but now we’re like scared for idols . scary shih anyways like how r u I’m good.

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oh huh tribes r gonna be even again next round... so I have to make this conf by default just in case of a you know what wait no anna u said no more 24 hour challenges QUEEN ... thank god I can’t be bothered to delete this so she’s being SENT

Right now there's so many things running through my head with the introduction of Matts vote steal, because realistically i could convince him to give to me or i could keep him around as a potential shield. I don't want to do it to the guy but also a vote steal could shift the tides of the game in my favour later down the line. so it's a difficult decision and one id rather have more time to contemplate.

Wooo ok operation vote steal is a go and next round we’ll be swimming in green hopefully but with one world sis og tribe lines just ain’t it!

God im over this tribal. Like ugh these people really are under Kori's mist so like im probably going home. Do I think i might be able to survive? a small glimmer of hope says yes, but i'm not confident. God im just... so annoyed at this. Im clearly on the outs here and I just HOPE i can pull through i just am so scared. I know if i do leave though that I have fought my damn hardest to stay tonight. Im trying to think of the positives because its hard to do so because im being sad atm.. UGH. the fajitas really have failed me tonight, their light has dimmed and their guidance is no more. i am now with the darkness. we r one.

Oh my fucking god my heart is breaking. Matt is basically in such a deep hole he's going to go home, unless he plays an idol. And Alyssa has an idol. And she doesn't think it's smart to use it on him because Michael says he's just gonna go home next round. His social game hasn't been up to snuff and they're gonna boot him regardless, so she wants to keep us with power and let him go. And I agree with her. Which kills me. I'm usually able to just be a robot when it comes to this like yes I will make the smarter decision if it means I'll be emotionally torn, and this is such an instance. Luckily, it's not my idol to give up. Yes Alyssa says it's "our" idol but it's her call end of the day. I just... fuck. This is all stars man. And I'm actually starting to feel, for once.

Well it's about an hour before tribal and at least on it's surface it would seem Matt is going. I'm not confident though because any number of things COULD happen. I'm hoping there's no idol play, just because I feel like pre-merge just isn't a good look for me.

If Matt does pull something off, then kudos to him, and if it's me that'd make this my final confessional for the season. I've had such an amazing time playing and while I feel like I've been playing a lower key game on purpose I feel like I'm doing what I can to really come into my own. I hope the bonds I've made are gonna stick and that everything works out for us.

But if it doesn't I guess I'll have to find a way to be ok with that. This has been such a unique All-Stars experience so far, and I hope I can take what I've gotten from it and make myself better for it. (Also highkey hopefully this isn't my last confessional and I'm getting sentimental for no reason.)

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Kori is voted out 4-3.