#Im trying not to use getting high as a crutch to not deal with emotions anymore. Also i don't know if it plays a role in the maybe-seizures

[justonefeather]

I wonder sometimes how often people read my tags when they get long. Like i go on long tangents, if you read there's probably lore and world building in there, could also be writing about my relationship with things like sexuality or gender or society, could also be talking shit about my dad. Could also be me staying something cringe or raunchy or just being plainly mentally ill. It's really rolling the dice when you go look. Is the risk worth the reward?

[rithmeres]

its so weird seeing people talk about snk right now cuz i projected so so so much onto the main trio when i was super depressed in high school and i was so disappointed in where the manga went and just like. couldn't handle the story becoming so dark and morally grey cuz i was trying to use it as an emotional crutch. so now im still interested in how it ends but ONLY for the characters sakes. but i got the impression a long time ago that the story is not really about the main trio anymore

i got into it post-season 2 when i was already in college and by that point i was (mostly) emotionally stable (thank god too i think it would have been horrible for my mental health if i had been 16 and depressed) but still it’s sooo emotionally heavy like there’s a reason i took a two year hiatus in the middle of season three. i think i didn’t connect with the characters because it was a defense mechanism; i couldn’t get attached to anyone because everyone died so much and so meaninglessly. & i really couldn’t connect with eren as a protagonist but that’s just me. i do love hanji and levi a lot though but i think i’m still trying to keep my emotional distance because like. they WILL die. i totally get your disappointment too it’s like.... this isn’t the story i signed up for?? but i don’t know how i would have written it if i were the author. we’ve come so far from ‘i wanna go past the walls’ ‘i wanna return home’ and ‘i wanna see the ocean’ that we lost sight of the original simple appeal that hooked everyone at the beginning. the fact that the sea wasn’t the end and couldn’t be the symbol of hope and freedom we’d wanted since day one... like i get why it was written that way but thanks i hate it!! the emotional payoff really fell through. i always thought the final shot of the show would be armin arriving at the sea, and it would be so bittersweet, but then it wasn’t. we made it to the coast but we don’t get to rest. everyone who was here for horror shonen and levi doing cool tricks now has to deal with an entirely new cast in the final act and watch wwii unfold with our former plucky shonen protag as a full-fledged villain. and that’s hard to cope with even though those seeds of psychopathy were there in eren since the very beginning. it’s not bad or wrong to have a narrative grow way beyond the original scope but i really don’t know if isayama can pull off an ending that feels appropriate or satisfying like honestly the only way i can see this ending is total destruction.

my feelings are sooo mixed and like. you can really tell. i have so many unfinished thoughts and opinions that i feel i will never fully form until the story is over. it’s not like my mixed feelings towards naruto where i can clearly say ‘these are things that i hate and these are things that i love’ it’s all jumbled together and i truly don’t know how to feel but like. i suffer from the snk curse and that means i’m gonna be here to the bitter end.

[insatiablestitches]

BIG ASS MENTAL BREAKDOWN RANT DO NOT READ ITS SUPER TRIGGERIG BUT IM SELF DESTRUCTIVE AND POSTING IT ANYWAYS BECAUSE I CRAVE ATTENTIONM

My rapist is getting arrested within the next couple days. I’m scared of going to court since I’m quite sure it’s going to go there and fuck idk. I sleep in past my counselling sessions because I can’t fall asleep at night and when I’m finally able to sleep I don’t want to wake up for as long as possible. I can’t get over the fact that I am a burden, financially and mentally, to my entire family. My entire existence consists of me sleeping, eating, pissing, shitting, crying, flashbacks, panic attacks, dissociation, self harming and mental breakdowns. I’m physically incapable of doing anything else but until this shit goes to court I’m just going to try as hard as I can to survive. I haven’t even been able to see any psychiatrists or psychologists to get even a fucking diagnosis because I’m just such a fucking burden and they can smell it from a mile away. I’ve tried contacting ducking DOZENS of people but none are interested. Not even the people who are paid to help me want to get anywhere near me. I genuinely want to do a suicide attempt just so people understand how much being raped has ruined me, maybe then I’ll get help. I just don’t want to bring any attention to it or do it before we go to court and he gets his charges just in case it means I’ll be stopped from doing it in the future. I’m still under 18 so at least the public mental health care is still alright for me, I have no ducking clue what I’m going to do in a years time becausethen I’ll be locked up with literal criminals because of the actions of what one person did to me one night. I’ve been told for 10 months things will get better. Sure I���m not as depressed cause I’m on anti depressants but now I can actually feel all of the pain constantly overwhelming me and the only thing that stops it is the physical pain caused by me literally cutting my own goddamn skin open, how fucked is that and how fucked am I? There’s something strangely grounding and satisfying about running my fingertips over the fresh scabs that form after i cut. I’m worried I’ll scar myself permanently too if I do it too often or too deep. I don’t want other people judging and assuming my story, when telling it puts me in danger for manipulation and more pain. Even though they will help me keep away from those who think down on people who have and do self harm I don’t want to have a reminder of this pain every time I look down at my arms or see my shoulders in the mirror. Fuck I also miss how it feels to have a strong romantic bond with a partner. I got a boyfriend a couple months ago and he was fucking perfect, but my issues triggered his depression so he left me. You’re always #1, I understand that, but everyday I miss the safety and feeling that everything’s going to be okay that I felt when we texted, he spoke to me and when I was in his arms. I fucking hate myself, there’s nothing wrong with my body physically I literally couldn’t give a shit about that, but just the fact that it was _this_ body that was raped absolutely disgusts me. I shouldn’t expect anyone to love me while I feel this way about myself, using people as emotional crutches is toxic and unhelpful but in the moment it makes me feel almost okay and compared to the rest of my existence fucj that’s so incredible. The only times I’ve been happy this year was when I was high. Fuck it feels so good to just not have everything swirling around in my head constantly and to be able to just chill out and laugh, without immediately remembering how pathetic I really am. The other upside is that my senses heighten and sex is fucking brilliant, plus I normally have no bad reactions after it and I can just vibe without the risk of a flashback at any point. The fact that I’m actually happy when I smoke is the reason why I don’t smoke ever. It’s too painful after to have such a recent memory of it, which makes me want to smoke more until it would trap me in a viscous loop which I cannot afford. I’ve actually never paid for weed cause I normally smoke when I sleep with guys and obviously the man has to pay for the dinner on the first ;)

Idk if this is glitched or what but I’m going to continue here. I’m just fucked. Everyone at my school hates me or thinks I’m annoying at the very least. In the past couple months only a handful of people have been bothered to ask me how I am going, to which I respond honestly with “I’m going through A LOT right now” and they always say they’re there to talk, but the moment I tell anyone what I’ve gone through and how horribly I’m dealing with it they get scared off so I just prefer to stay vague and mysterious. I can’t wait to graduate. I was meant to this year but honestly I doubt I’ll even graduate next year, that’s if I make it. Does tumblr have a content detection bot? Like will it read this and be like well shit this girl needs help and call a fucking ambulance or something to my house? Dear tumblr bot I’m okay for now but if you’re able to make mental health professionals actually give a shit about me PLEASE TELL ME.

I was told once I told my family and reached out things would get better and I’d get help. I spent 7 months in fear, stupidly may I add. I had a fucking monumental breakdown the night my bf broke up with me, which made me write a text to my mum about it. It’s been 3 months since then, and I don’t have the anxiety of my family not knowing anymore and some other shit, but things aren’t as great as people made it out to be. At least when my family didn’t know I was worried about the same few things, the police not being able to move forward with their investigation, me not getting sufficient help and support and some other shit I can’t remember at 6am. I always had a hope that kept me going which was that once my family knew I could actually get help. It’s fair to say that hasn’t happened, and things have gotten worse. 3 months ago I wouldn’t think of self harming, now I do it once every couple days, i would never have considered trying to kill myself even “for attention”, but now it’s something I always have in the back of my mind for if my rapist doesn’t get a decent sentence. Fuck now I’m upset about this. I just don’t want him to hurt anyone else. Nobody deserves to experience what I have to go through daily, possibly for the rest of my fucking life. I just am constantly so worried about this, what if there are others? And my inaction until July caused someone else to experience something similar to me. I don’t know if I could handle that news. Fuck there are birds chirping outside I’ve been up for so long, now I might not ever be able to get to sleep now.

It’s strange how I enjoy the warmth that happens on my skin after I cut it while it’s freshly healing. Idk, it’s like irritation but there was no bacteria trying to get in so it won’t hurt for long. I’m too much of a pussy to cut deep because I want to be in non psych ward bliss for just a little bit. Hey wait I’m gonna go send a text to a friend to maybe hang out and do some naughty stuff to try and make me feel better lol.

I apologise to anyone who actually read this, but thanks for listening I guess this helped me through a breakdown. I might not post it actually, wait fuck it I’m gonna lmao. Alright nightttt

[spiritual-doctor4u]

FLOW CHARTING DEPRESSION - for mental health

  FLOW CHARTING DEPRESSION - STEP BY STEP

         DIS-MEMBER / DIS-AT-EASE                                          ENVIRONMENT

         /                     I                     \                                                           I

#HURT        DEHYDRATION       HARM                              EXTERNAL STIMULI -------Death of loved one

  I                     I                                I                                      /                       \                Loss monetary

 INJURY          I                          DISEASES                     COGNITION     BELIEFS           Broken Heart

      \                I                    /    Migraine                                   I                I                    Divorce

       \               I                 /       Asthmatic                                 I                I                   Separation

        \ ------- PAIN-------/                 I                               NEGATIVE EMOTIONS                  I

                      I                           Anginal                               DOUBT                               Empty nest

                      I                           Spondalitus                        ANGER                               Loss of Role

                     I                            Dyspepsia                           REVENGE                           Vacuum

                     I                            Colic                                    LOOSE HOPE                      Retire

                     I                            Arthritis                                       I            

                     I                                                                   DEEP MELANCHOLY

                     I                                                                       FRUSTRATED

ACUTE -----  I----------------------------------- CHRONIC-------/    

  I                                                                           I  

  I                            Blood/Urine/Stool              I          

DOCTOR & TESTS                                       D  E  P  R  E  S  S  I  O  N  

  I                            Ultrasound/X-ray             I                      I              \ COGNITIVE AFFECTS

  I                                                                        I                      I                          Vituperating

POSITIVE -----------------------------------NEGATIVE                 I                          Malingering

       \                                                                                          I                          Ranting

       F    I     X                                                                              I                         Blaming

       /             \                                                                            I                         Bracing

#SURGERY   MEDICATIONS----SIDE-EFFECTS       PHYSICAL AFFECTS         Whining

                                                       Rashness              Blur Vision                     Frowning

                                                       Wt. Gain               Memory loss                 Rubbing

                                                       Indigestion           Slow movement           Twitching

                                                       Dry Mouth           Use of Crutches            Grimacing                      

                                                        Constipation       Support of Cane

                                                        Less Urine           Appetite loss

                                                                                      Sleep disorder

                                                                                      High fatigue

 SINKING INTO DEPRESSION

How does one get into a depression? Clinging like a leech to the past. Our own memory gets us into this black hole of depression. The events in the real world affect us so strongly, that we break down mentally and physically.

LIFE IS A SERIES OF MISHAPS FOR MOST

Broken heart is bound to happen someday. You put your head in the sand like the crane and refuse to see it coming. Divorce, is a way of going on separate paths with new partners or even alone. You cannot bear this loss. It is better than suffering, in a troubled marriage. Empty nest situation is inevitable in your life time. Children will grow up and fly away to find their own nests. This loss of role leaves, a giant hole in your life and you are shattered. Death of a loved one is truly shocking and you were not prepared for it. But this is how life is, highly unpredictable like the other situations: Job loss, retirement, accidents.                                                                

  UNEDUCATED IN ANGER MANAGEMENT

When any of the above events happen in your life, you are jolted to the very core of your being and thrown out of balance. The first reaction is of shock, denial and disbelief. Anger kicks in. Why me, is the first question, we want an answer for? But there are no answers. Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal, with the intent of throwing it at someone else. But you are the one, who is getting burned, by holding on, to that hot coal.

 PAIN IS NORMAL FOR MOST - ALLERGIC TO HAPPINESS / JOY

Sadness followed by fatigue sets in, next. This ball of pain starts as an ache in your heart. It starts to grow bigger and bigger. Soul crushing sense of hopelessness is followed by deep melancholy and despair. This combination of complex feelings and emotions should not last very long. A normal person must be out of this predicament, in a week or two. But when they persist, showing no signs of leaving you, then you are in big trouble. The ball of pain is now a snow ball of anxiety, pessimism, and dread out of proportions.

SOCIAL ILLNESS

A full blown depression is on its way. It is a social illness, because it affects all other people around you. Now the depression moves a step further and takes over the body. A feeling of NO-SELF is experienced. Depression is flat, hollow, and unendurable aloneness. You become slow in the mind, cannot walk normally, lacking in grace, polish, and coordination.  It does graduate many times to a higher level of violence, or total with drawl. Depression bleeds relationships through suspicion and lack of confidence. Your own relatives and friends keep their distance now, just in case. So you end up being all alone, more and more. This is an enormous stress on you, taking you downhill, even faster. Next, you know that you have a full blown depression. For the second time, you get into denial and try to keep it a secret. You are mortally afraid of the stigma of depression. Hence you are prepared to suffer, in greater pain of shame and silence. To complicate the situation further you get into the victim and victimizer mentality. This is the third stage of depression and a pretty advanced one. All your time and energy is focused on blaming others for the unhappiness in your life. Emotional pain is expressed by criticizing, vituperating, ranting, and whining.

MENTALLY AGILE, BODILY IMMOBILE

Psychic scars are left behind when you believe that you are ugly, goofy, and incapable. Then you go into depression. What is the way out of your self-created sorry state of affairs?  Be depressed, don’t fight it. Be aware, even trying being happy. It will go away. Many times, we take drastic measures to get out of these deplorable situations. Extreme actions, can lead us to even bigger problems and we can end up being paralyzed.  Now you are lying down in bed, and cannot move at all, physically. But what is the mind doing. It is mobile. It is thinking and thinking in the wrong direction. You cannot move any part of your body. This is the single thought that is recurring. You are reinforcing the belief that you cannot move.

THE POWER OF AUTO SUGGESTION

Auto suggestion is working for you, of course in the opposite way. The body cooperates with the mind and the muscles do not get the electric charges essential for the muscular movement. How to get out of this predicament?  You have to put in the reverse gear and drive away. The same auto suggestion has to be made to work for you, in the correct manner, the positive way. Think, and think that you can move. Imagine yourself doing all the normal activities. Visualize that you are running the marathon and winning it. Belief is the only factor that is holding you down on the bed. You do not need a doctor to help you. You need a hypnotist to get you up and running. When a hypnotist puts you in a trance and suggests that you can walk and move, the body cooperates immediately. You begin to walk as normally as before. We replaced auto suggestion with external suggestion and it worked. This proves beyond doubt, that there is nothing wrong, medically with the body. It also proves that the mind is the chief culprit. If you are alone in the house and god forbid, fire broke out in the room. You will get up and run out of the house to save yourself. This is the power of the mind over matter, or the body. Do not wait for external suggestions; change your beliefs with auto suggestion. You have the power in you. First say to yourself, what you would like to do or be? Then do what you have to do to get there.

 HEALING YOUR PAIN

A doctor or a surgeon, can repair a damaged heart, but never repair a broken heart. It is only YOU, who can do this. Of course a healer can help and assist. When you discover that something is broken in your life, mind, heart, or spirit, you must go deep down, to find out the cause of the breakage. So you open up the component, examine it minutely; find the origin of the breakage or malfunction. Then, you decide to fix it or replace it. If fixing is needed, got to do it very carefully, delicately and give it a test run.  Otherwise throw it away and replace it. Clean up the place, it once occupied. This is called Closure. It is a prerequisite, for HEALING. Many times, when love or lack of love, breaks our hearts, we allow our hearts to become brittle, hard and we close up, totally.

We do not have to be so harsh, on ourselves. For your own sanity, accept it. It is another lesson to be learnt. The trick is, to LET GO.

Letting go, is accepting, learning and experiencing it, as you grow up.

Letting go, is to be thankful for the experience that made you laugh and cry.

To let go, is to cherish the memories, to overcome and move on. To let go, is not, thinking sad thoughts, and forgetting.

It is having an open mind and confidence in the future.

It is neither winning or losing, nor giving in.

It is not about pride and how you appear.

It is not obsessing or dwelling in the past.

It should not leave feelings of emptiness, hurt, sadness, anger, jealousy, or regret.

It is certainly about you; all you have had and will have, soon again.

COURAGE TO CHANGE

Have the courage to accept change and summon up strength, to keep moving on. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. Love is not a thing or a material object, which can be lost, when given. It is like an ocean. It is bound to come back, if you allow it. Be prepared to open a door, clear a path, and set yourself free. Break up! No, never. You have to do it gently, respect fully, do not be hard on yourself and the other person. Don’t fight sadness. Try to make it go away. Welcome it, indulge in it, feel it. Buy yellow roses as friendship signal and become stronger.                            

YOUR BELIEFS ARE THE REASON FOR YOUR PAIN

Pain and suffering is inevitable in this world, but being miserable is optional. This brings the ball back into your coat. Pain in the human body is a signal for action. Physical harm or hurt, like an injury or a disease will cause severe pain. Now, is the time to get a doctor to make a house call on you? The doctor will examine you thoroughly and conduct a couple of tests, to make sure what and where the malady lies. If the results of the tests are positive, the doctor will take corrective action and fix your problem. If the results of the tests are negative, you are stuck with a bigger problem, which this doctor cannot fix.  It is chronic pain syndrome. Chronic pain is long lasting, irritant, dis-enabling you, from doing your normal social activities: working a job, loss of memory, upset appetite, sleeplessness, perpetual fatigue, slowing down in movements, saying no to sexual pleasures and missing out on laughter and joy, which life has to offer. Your cognition, about chronic pain is fundamental to this cause.                                    

In the primitive days, pain was associated with evil spirits.

In the Judeo-Christian era, pain was accepted as punishment for our sins.

In Greece, pain is taken up as a challenge to deal with.

In China, pain is identified with imbalance in Yin-Yang energies.

Today, pain is the basis of disease-medicine model by our doctors.

CHRONIC PAIN SYNDROME

When you continue to accept your cognition of pain syndrome, the pain persists and gets you into a vicious loop. Doubting emotions are self-fulfilling beliefs. First you lose hope and then lose control over self. The next set of emotions that take over, are anxiety, anger, revenge, for the person who you think, is responsible for your pain, depression, despondency, and finally frustration. All this is in your mind. The experts call it cognition dissonance. It is your inner turmoil resulting from contradictions in personal beliefs and behavior. Cognitive behavior embraces a whole range of mannerisms. You become visible to others, by using supports, canes, crutches, chairs. You also use rubbing, frowning, twitching, jerking, sighing, to draw attention. You voice yourself by moaning, complaining and verbalizing. When you are all alone you reinforce the thoughts by silly self-talk in your head. Why me? The pain hurts and hurts badly. The mind helps the body cooperate, by the absence of all brain-chemicals specially, endorphins.

Chronic pain management encompasses three primary stages. Cognitive restructuring, is achieved by asserting yourself positively. You stop self-talk thoughts, by giving a command to self. Gradually you become useful, thus boosting up your self-esteem, to get out of the loop. Relaxation and deep breathing are recommended as the second step.  Self-hypnosis, by visualizing on pleasant events, helps on mental level. Lastly you must exercise to release brain chemicals in the system. Exercising additionally helps reconditions your muscles, tissues and stamina on the physical level.  

Personally, this chapter is not applicable to me because I was a born healer. I was consulted by my friends on many different problems as early as 16 years of age. I would ask them their monthly consumption of oil, sugar, rice and wheat in kilograms. Next I would advise them to simply change the ratios and see the results. It always worked. I was a social scientist right from start. There were no heart breaks because we were taught that right things will happen at the right time. Since we studied in coed schools we always had friends of both sexes. On the home front,  we had a dozen she cousins & very close family friends to interact with and grow up congenially. I was the lucky one to go and live with my uncles, aunts for long extended periods. I was introduced to yoga exercises at a very early age. In college I played all racket games like badminton, lawn tennis, squash, & table tennis to keep myself in perfect shape. So fortunate........ unbelievable.

Rohit Khanna - Before knowledge Insane, After knowledge IN-SANE

[rockinmoroccann]

i fucking hate how i always have to be the emotional crutch for my mom, like i get it your life sucks balls and you never have any free time and youre always bored and you always have to drive the kids everywhere and youre always pissed at my dad because he never does shit except work all day and then sit on the couch 24/7 on his free days and youre probably jealous of how much fun i have and everyone at your work is an unprofessional bitch i get it, i get it, and youre always stressed to high hell but then why the fuck do you pile so much on yourself?

 also ALSO when i “fight” with her its never really a fight, because she always wins, shes always going to have a better argument than me and shell just yell at me and scream if i try and defend myself or suggest that shes overreacting (oh god FORBID) and everything i say is a personal attack on her. shes so fucking sensative and its so annoying bc im so rational and calm in conflict situations. i just want it to end so i stay cool and block off my emotions and listen to reason and agree with her and try to find a middle ground or hell, just roll over and say shes right over and over and over bc i hate conflict and just want it to end, but she keeps digging at me and yelling at me and then when shes exhausted the topic that she got mad about, shell bring up shit i did last week or last month or last year that pissed her off, like the other day she was yelling at me about how i was on my laptop at like 11 pm when i was supposed to be asleep and she started saying about how stressed she was and threatening spring track (which she KNOWS is something im dying to do) and im like, what the fuck does this have to do with the topic on hand (answer: nothing, you being stressed has nothing to do with me getting in trouble for being on my laptop) except i cant SAY ANYTHING bc then shell scream louder at me and get personally offended and say she wont help me anymore and that ill be on my own to do things, which i dont want bc im super fucking disorganized and i know how difficult i am for her to deal with and i dont want her to give up on me, so i just ignore whatever im feeling and agree with her and even if im completely calm and say ok, ok ok, she still keeps yelling on and on and its always about her and how badly shes feeling and at a certain point im like, this isnt your therapy session and i dont fucking care please just reprimand me for doing wrong and then tell me what my punishment is and then move on, i dont want to hear a fucking speech i just want to move on with my life. i used to feel crippling guilt when she uelled at me but now all i can think is oh my fucking god will she ever stop talking, i get it, i heard it the first time you said it and i get. it. fucking hell