#It scared me more than the gloom hands turning into 'Phantom Ganon'

[imagine-nerd]

Hey fellow Tears of the Kingdom players you should go jump down the East Akala Plains Chasm. Nothing is there don't worry it's totally safe. <- this is a lie

[stealthnoodle]

Let's Play Tears of the Kingdom: Boner Squad v. Boner Squad

Once again, we are in real spoiler territory! I am for sure in the run-up to the final boss now. Who knows when I'll get around to it, though, when there's so much fucking around to be done first.

I saw a Gloom Hands monstrosity arise before me on the road and thought, eh, I can take it. And I did! It scared the shit out of me by summoning Phantom Ganon when it died, but he was kind of a pushover, actually? And I got this cool bow and a cool sword that will hurt me if I use it! Fun!

Not so tough with only two hands, are ya?

The game wants me to go to Hyrule Castle anyway, so I'm following up the last Hateno Village quest to look for the armor Zelda hid in the throne room. …And it's a shirt. Whomp-whomp.

I appreciate the thought and all, Zelda, but wearing a full-coverage shirt would mean looking way less fabulous on this pole:

Might as well do plot while I'm here.

Oops didn't mean to get into a Ganon fight

Lol Phantom Ganon. I kicked your ass already, you dumb—uh oh there's several of you

Why does Ganon get his own Boner Squad? I CALL FOUL

Also it took me longer than it should have to realize I could stop the Gloom flooding the room by smacking the Gloom-generatering Ganon. In related news, who taught these bitches tactics??? It is very rude to hit me while I'm trying to hit your caster!

The good news is that the boners behind the Boner Squad have arrived on the scene! The bad news is the apocalypse, I guess.

I thought I was so cool having one Gloom Sword and one Gloom Bow. Now I am welding half a dozen of them to the other shit in my inventory just to avoid leaving them on the floor.

Sidon confirmed for knowing how to count:

I want the game to let me volunteer that I found a Spirit Temple ages ago while mapping out the entire underground. …Aww, damn, they want to find the sage first. Whomp-whomp.

First I'm going monster-hunting, which includes finally facing my fears and going after a gleeok.

Local genderfluid drag queen says YOU'RE WELCOME, HYRULE

Finally noticed the very obvious entrance to the Great Deku Tree and got my Fantastic Voyage on. Gloom Hands? Child's play.

!!! I FINALLY FOUND THE BACKLESS DRESS

One quick trip to the dye shop shop and now I have TWO shirts I'm willing to wear:

I also crammed so many bubbel gems down Koltin's gullet that he ran out of prizes for me and was like, "What if you found every other bubbel gem in the world? I'm sensing 101 of them." Hahahahahaha NO. That would be my Cruella de Vil origin story

Oh man I was so salty about having to wear different clothes to progress the plot but then it turned out the shirt is slutty enough that I'm adding it to my tops rotation:

(Not to be confused with Link's other tops rotation, which is a much more extensive list HEY-O)

Mineru! My girl uploaded her brain into the fantasy cloud or something, idk, I am just VERY excited to be assembling a body for her. Don't worry, babe, I will definitely make you something dignified and not strap a shop-vac to a giant rubber ducky with flamethrower nipples or anything else suspiciously specific!

Oh, it's with predetermined parts. Well played, Mineru.

MECH TIME

MECH FIGHT MECH FIGHT

Ow I'm bad at mech fighting

Etiquette question: is it weird to shake your new girlfriend's hand with her dead brother's arm? Does the answer change if it's not for a TikTok prank?

The incredible wish fulfillment of the hot nerd girl who lives in your phone manifesting before you as a giant robot. Chef's kiss. No notes. To me, this is yuri.

Anyway, welcome to the Boner Squad, babe, sorry about everyone you ever loved dying!