#Jeremy Kucharek

[momentsinreading]

Apple Juice Is The Straight Guy Drink Of Choice

“Yvette, is there a little girls' room in the hall?” “Oui, oui, madame.” “No, I just I want to powder my nose.” –Mrs. Peacock and Yvette in Clue

  “But, he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared.” “But that was his job. He was an illusionist!” “But he never reappeared!” “He wasn't a very good illusionist.” –Wadsworth and Mrs. White in Clue

  “But this is ridiculous. If he were such a patriotic American, why didn't he just report us to the authorities?” “He decided to put his information to good use and make a little money out of it. What could be more American than that?” –Mr. Green and Wadsworth in Clue

  “Three murders?” “Six altogether.” “This is getting serious.” –Wadsworth and Mr. Green in Clue

  “He plays football, goes hunting, and likes apple juice. He’s like the straightest guy there is.” –Me

  “Robot Unicorn Attack is a flash game on Adult Swim's website. The point behind the game is apparently to honor the bygone days when every pre-pubescent girl owned a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper, while testing how secure men are in their sexuality.” –Cracked.com

  “I can’t think of anything more frightening than a half-Polish, half-Arab virgin in his 30s. One way or the other, that story ends with an explosion.” –Pierce on Community

  “He needs to annunciate more. I can’t understand a word he’s saying.” –Jon Davidson about Israel’s ESC 2010 (PS. He was singing in Hebrew)

  “I want to rape him, I miss him so much.” –Jeremy

[momentsinreading]

The Internet IS The Best Thing Ever!

“Hey, Mac. Potato chip? It fell on the floor, but, 2-second rule…OK, 14-second rule.” –Bloo on Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends

  “It's 106 blocks to Mac, I've got a full bladder, half an idea where I'm going, it's Tuesday and I'm wearing sunglasses." -Bloo on Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends

  "Here. I found these in the basement. This will help make you look cool." (looking at some magazines from 1987) "I don't know, Bloo." “Less talking and more ripping off your sleeves." –Bloo and Mac on Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends

  [Sam taps at his window] “Sam! You snuck out to see me! Oh, this is just like Romeo and Juliet, except I'm the one on the balcony and I can understand everything we're saying.” –Danny on Danny Phantom

  “The themes of their songs are simple; they’re themes that everyone can identify with. They remind us of our childhood. They remind us of happiness. They remind us that the world doesn’t have to be so complicated, that at the end of the day, maybe all we really need is love. They make us smile and laugh; they let us hug one another. Perhaps somehow they allow us to breathe a little deeper, assure us that no matter what, everything will be okay.” –Jeremy in his Beatles paper

  “So, I said ‘Looks like you don’t have a leg to stand on!’ You get it? It’s funny because she had no legs.” –Swaim on Agents of Cracked

  “I typed in porn, and porn came up! I typed in breakfast, and porn came up! It’s the perfect system! The internet is the best thing ever!” –Swaim on Agents of Cracked

  “Put your stupid hands down.” –Mom at Maddy’s choir concert after we drew Carrie’s face on my palm (because she wasn't there)

[momentsinreading]

Jeremy....That's Hilariously Awkward.

“I don’t stress. I solve problems.” –Aku Kadogo

  “I told him to give me pointier canines, like Justin Timberlake.” –Jeremy about his veneers

  “Why are you so good at one handed fruit juggling?” –Grant

  “I will gladly be a sex offender for Harry Potter.” –Jeremy

  “You’ve got to jump off cliffs and build your wings on the way down.” –Ray Bradbury

  “I don't think any one decision makes your life. Unless you invent some sort of zombie virus or something.” –Finn on Glee

  “Ballad. Who knows what this word means?” “It's a male duck.” –Will and Brittney on Glee

  “Rachel manages to dress like a grandmother and a toddler at the same time.” –Kurt on Glee

  “I've got a full ride to a little school called the University of California in Los Angeles. Maybe you've heard of it. It's in Los Angeles.” –Jesse on Glee

  “Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?” –Brittney on Glee

  “Mercedes is black, I'm gay: We make culture.” –Kurt on Glee

  “I thought I smelled cookies from the tears of weeping elves that live in your hair.” –Sue on Glee

  “Just come out so we can talk! Or sing about it.” –Jesse on Glee