#Joel thou hbo

[gg-pedro]

spin worlds - joel miller x reader oneshot

masterlist

summary: strings attached are easy enough to ignore when you're only trying to survive. when joel gets hurt, the world stops spinning, and you realize that you matter more to each other than you ever let yourselves believe.

warnings: 18+ MDNI, post outbreak!joel, boston!era, joel x reader, AFAB!reader, protective!joel, implied age gap, non-established relationship, set a few years before tlou hbo, hurt/comfort, non-gratuitous descriptions of a wound, hurt!joel, unprotected piv, fingering, end of the world sex, rough!joel, heavy on the petnames, drug/alcohol use, lots of feelings, its boston QZ joel so, angst with a happy ending, angst with fluff

words: 3.6k

a/n: is this what i really think the people want? maybe! is this what I want? absolutely yes!!!!!!!!!

-

Hundreds of nights spent with Joel since you’d been in Boston. Thousands of hours, words spoken to each other, yearning to stay in his arms longer and say more. 

The time you had with each other used to feel fleeting. Always after dark, sneaking around the QZ like you were teenagers together. It was a strictly private thing. It was almost like the two of you kept it a secret to feel a kind of thrill again, something from a past life, as if there was still right and wrong in the world and a little bit of something wrong was all you had left. 

That thrill wore off eventually, and you were with Joel for more than just the adrenaline hit. He made things more bearable and cut you deeper all at the same time. 

Flattened on his bed for yet another night, you got the feeling that something was bothering him. 

The sensation of cotton sheets was rough against your skin, acting as a futile means to abate the cold that was swirling through the apartment and raising the hairs on your arms. Your view was of his back, and the long, jagged scar that ran close to his spine. You reached your hand out to touch him and he flinched away.

“‘M goin’ out tomorrow. Without you,” he said, before you even had to ask. “Too many close calls lately.”

His voice was quiet and rough, sore from the dry air. You tried your luck at smoothing a hand across his shoulder, and this time he let himself lean into it.

“Doesn’t seem like that means you should go alone.” You pressed a kiss against his shoulder blade.

He turned his head to the side, not far enough to look you in the eye but far enough to confirm that you were there and not some twisted hallucination that he had dreamed up. “I’ll come back fine. I always do.”

Joel had this talent of convincing others that his word was his bond. He hardly had to try. When he spoke, it was like everyone sensed that they were in the presence of a kind of profit, and that he was privy to some knowledge or confidence that could keep people alive.

It didn’t help that he seemed to hold all of the knowledge in the world– knowledge about the important things. He could fix the leaky faucet in your bathroom blindfolded. Always knew what direction he was going in. Knew how to tie a million useless knots. Could look up to the night sky and point to Polaris like he was pointing to a map of Austin, showing you his old favorite diner that he went to every Saturday. I’ll come back fine. I always do. 

But Joel didn’t know anything. You’d been close enough to see that. He was just as frightened as you. But now more than ever, you wanted to trust him. Turn your back and fall, bet on the fact that he would stop the world from spinning to be there in time to catch you. 

Perhaps you were too easy, too willing to take what he gave. It was still heaven. Heaven, in a crumbling apartment building, sometimes with your restless mind placated by downers, draped across his silhouette. Sometimes you wondered, between the two of you, who deserved this life less. When you thought about it for too long, the answer was always Joel.

“Who are you meeting?”

He rubbed his palm against his forehead in slow circles. “One of my guys. Said he wasn’t gonna smuggle into the QZ anymore, son of a bitch.”

You only hummed in response, working your thumb into the knot in his shoulder. “And you trust him?”

“No.” He turned fully this time, his big hands roaming to the small of your waist and his lips to your jawline. “Sure as fuckin’ hell not enough to bring you out there this time.”

You grinned and smoothed his hair back off his forehead when he looked at you again. “Don’t have any faith in me, Miller?”

“You know that ain’t it, baby doll,” he whispered. “Don’t wanna take any chances with you.”

“Oh, yeah?” You laughed as he pulled you up onto his lap, looking deep in thought as he deliberated over where to plant kisses across your face and neck. “As if you’re ever careful with me.”

“I could be,” he said. “If you wanted.”

“Mmh, I don’t think I do.”

You looped your arms around his neck and he took your face fully into his hands. You felt almost engulfed as he kissed you. There was a fire blazing between you, and it felt like your clothes had melted away rather than been taken off with how quickly they disappeared. Your skin buzzed with desire, blood flowing to your most sensitive points. You felt limp like putty, lying in wait to be sculpted with the rough smearing of his hands across your body.

He was unrestrained in the way that he removed your roaming hands and pinned both arms above your head against the bed. “Y’think this isn’t gentle, princess? Yeah, let me show you rough.”

He split your legs apart, hand traveling to your warmed and wet entrance like a magnet. Three of his fingers were pumping short rhythms into you before you could even breathe, and your vision nearly went white. You writhed, helpless to the desperate moaning that was slipping past your lips until Joel pressed his hand against your mouth.

It all hurt so good. The sparking pleasure came and went so quickly with his movements that it felt like a continuous wave of ecstasy, even if he was stretching you close to your limit. 

He wouldn’t stop murmuring things in your ear throughout. “Think I’m gonna let you out there? Get you hurt? No, baby. I only hurt you ‘cause y’let me. Don’t you, hm? Can’t have you screaming, not with the neighbors.”

Despite his best efforts, he was only muffling the litany of sounds that you were producing as he finger fucked you raw.

After he could tell that he had brought you close to your tipping point, rough hands grabbed your waist and forced you to flip over. He pulled you up on your knees, and he turned your head to the side before forcing it down against the bed.

With one hand he fumbled with his belt, cursing in desperation as he struggled with it for a few moments. He went silent for a beat before white hot pleasure shot through your, and all you could hear was the rough slapping of your bare bodies connecting with each other. 

He was not gentle. It was clear that his pace and frequent position changes were to fulfill only his desires, and your own intense satisfaction was just a byproduct. You couldn’t complain. In fact, it would be foolish to complain. If this is what he was offering, then you would take all that he would give. 

He came quickly. He always did on nights like these, when you had given him some sort of permission to just use you for a while. You stared out to your left, looking for Orion in the cluster of stars outside his apartment’s window. You felt warm liquid spill into you and begin to drip onto your thighs as he continued thrusting. Tears blurred your vision as you followed suit, unraveling into a perfect little mess beneath him. 

“Knew you could take it, honey. You feel okay?”

“Mhm,” you said in a high-pitched tone, biting back tears as he sat you up.

He gathered your naked form into his arms and held you there for a while. He kissed the top of your head, and you wished you could’ve watched the starlight reflecting in his eyes for a little while longer.

“C’mon, I’ll get you cleaned up. Shower,” he said, more of a command than anything.

You followed his directions without responding. It wasn’t him that hurt you, not really. It wasn’t the vulnerability that stung you too deep. It was just the reminder that your relationship with Joel was far from merciful, cut from desperation and an utter decimation of the people you used to be. In another life, you knew that this wasn’t the way you could’ve loved each other.

After a luke-warm shower and a poor attempt of washing yourself clean of sin, you sat at the kitchen table in nothing but one of Joel’s denim flannels. Your hair was heavy and wet with water, leaving dark blue trails down the back of the button-up.

He smoothed an errant strand back from your forehead as he sat in the chair across from you, pouring whiskey from his decanter into two glasses. You suspected he had been drinking before you came over, but you never said anything.

You took a long drink before speaking. “When’re you planning on leaving?”

“Early.” You watched him pop a few white pills in his mouth and down the entirety of his glass. “Back before dark.”

“Could’ve just used water,” you mused. “Do you want me here when you get back?”

He looked over at you fully, that lazy smile and those sweltering brown eyes. “Hard times, darlin’. Hard times.” He removed his gaze to shake a couple more pills out of the cloudy plastic bag, leaning over the table to drop them next to your half-empty cup. “And yeah, I do. Stay.”

You stared blankly at what was in front of you, shaking your head. “Let me come, Joel.”

“You can’t negotiate with me on this. It’s a hard no.”

“Just don’t be an idiot. Please,” you bargained. “This doesn’t feel right.”

You watched him stand and walk over to you, resting a large hand on your upper back. “I’ll be back before dark,” he said again.

You looked up at him. “And if not?”

“I’ll be back.” He leaned down to kiss your temple. “I will be.”

You nodded. “I’ll be here.”

“Good,” he all but whispered. “Good, that’s all I want.”

-

True to his word, Joel was out early. 

Doubly true, with blood and sweat dripping from his hairline and into his eyes, Joel dragged himself forward as the sun set over the harbor.

November in Boston. Brutal, wintery wind whipped past his face and stung the open wounds that had been hashed into his skin. His vision swam, and he brought his sleeve up to his head again to try and stop some of the bleeding coming from the left side of his head.

You were right. Always right about nearly everything, you were. It was a trap. Maybe he could’ve taken the three guys that met him at the deal site if you had been there too, but he razed each one alone and hardly made it out alive.

You. He would’ve stopped a few miles ago if it weren’t for you. In the moment he could’ve cursed your name and damned you to hell for what you drove him to do. He could’ve sat on the curb, rested his aching back against that old lamppost with moss and flora to cushion his injured head. Shut his eyes and die already, a death that would’ve been so easy, one that he begged for a million times.

You. He stared up to the sky, praying to something that his directions were right as his eyes landed on the north star. A mile or two east, and he’d be at the QZ. His blurred vision made the light astigmatic, so he could only hope.

The pistol in his back pocket felt red hot as he stumbled eastward. The only force driving him forward was the thought of putting a bullet through the head of anyone that touched you.

This was his fault, afterall. He should’ve taken someone. Maybe it was your fault then, for mattering so much to him that nothing could bring him to put you in even the slightest bit of danger. No, none of it was your fault. Nothing was. You deserved a whole world that Joel couldn’t give you.

He’d get to you. He would.

-

Making good on his promise, you woke up cold in his empty bed.

You could’ve sworn you saw your own breath freeze in the air, through sunlight that shone through the infinite planes of the apartment. You reached a bare arm up towards the ceiling, trying to catch some of the warmth that it gave.

You had an entire day of work ahead of you, likely doing maintenance on the water system or making house calls to troubleshoot issues with the electricity. Life here had made you more useful and skilled than you had ever been before, and sometimes work felt like a welcome distraction. 

You got yourself up and dressed, picking up around his place before you made it out the door. The discarded pills on the kitchen table swirled down the sink along with yesterday morning’s coffee.

You knew how to take care of yourself more than he did. You weren’t sure why Joel fought you so hard on some things.

On the return trip to his apartment far past dinner time, you were smeared with dried sweat and soot. Your eyes passed the stars, and you repeated a silent prayer to yourself that Joel had already beat you home. 

Scaling the stairs to the third floor, you saw that fate had cruelly twisted your own wishes.

“... My fucking god, J– what happened? Hey, hey, look up at me, please–”

You were crouched before Joel’s slumped figure, barely aware enough to respond to your voice or your touch. His flannel shirt was torn, exposing a bloodied white undershirt rising and falling along with his rapid breathing.

He had a hand almost glued to this side of his head, stained with dried blood. He made a strained groaning noise as you pried it away to reveal a nasty gash to the area. You could’ve screamed yourself at the mere sight of the state he was in.

It was clear that he only had the strength to drag himself to his own front door because you had been idiotic to lock it before you’d left that morning. A stupid force of habit left over from a lifetime where locked doors and tidied apartments actually mattered. 

“Don’t… don’t, m’hurt, just…” his voice trailed off as his glassy gaze passed over your face. He was still trying to catalog you, ensure that you were still in one piece even while he was in stitches.

“I know, I know… you have to get up with me, Joel. Give me something here, fucking hell– on three, okay?”

You managed to get him to his feet as you jammed the key into the door and shoved it open. You were shouldering most of his body weight as you helped him to the first available chair at the kitchen table. Aside from his head, there was no other major injury to his body– it was mostly fine grazes and blossoming bruises on his chest and arms. You filled a glass with water and poured it over the wound on the left hemisphere of his head, trying to clear away some of the dried blood that had matted down his curls.

He writhed in his seat and you tried to soothe him with gentle words and touch as often as you could. It was deep, as if he’d been hit with something dull, but not deep enough to be fatal itself. You exhaled at that conclusion and begged to the ceiling that you were correct about it. 

You sterilized the area with whiskey poured onto a kitchen rag and bit your lip as Joel hissed and swore in response. You made him hold the cloth there as you scavenged the apartment for something, anything that could be considered proper to wrap the area with.

“Bad deal… it went bad, baby, I tried… thought they were gonna hurt you here…” he mumbled to you once you returned with a t-shirt you had begun to shred into ribbons.

“Hurt me? I’m fine, and god, you aren’t. I’m fine. Nobody’s gonna hurt me. Us,” you added quietly, slowly removing his hand from his head again.

“Mkay… ow, you’re killin’ me, darlin’, s’fine, you don’t gotta do all that,” he said weakly.

You said nothing as you tried wrapping the makeshift gauze tightly enough to still apply pressure around his head. Realistically, he needed stitches, or at the very least some sort of proper medical assessment. Curfew had already passed and doctors were few and far between to begin with, so you could only hope that this would be enough to stop the bleeding. Keep him awake and alive.

When you were finished, you slumped down in the chair next to him, your hand still gripping tightly onto his shoulder. “What’s your birthday?”

“Why’re you–”

“–Answer me, Joel, I swear to god–”

He squeezed your hand limply. “September 26th. It’s November now, ‘18, I think? What, you want me to say my ABC’s too, or…”

Your laugh cut him off, shaky and very nearly turning into a sob. “I hate you. I hate you so much, you know that? I told you not to be an idiot, and you…” your voice trailed off, and he took both of your hands into his.

“I know. Hate you too, baby… can’t believe you patched me up.”

You couldn’t believe it either, or the fact that he cared enough about you to drag himself from the city back to the QZ out of fear that whoever had hurt him was going to hurt you, too. If that wasn’t the closest thing to love you’d ever been shown, you didn’t know what was.

He slept very carefully in your arms for a few hours that night, after you had gently washed the rest of his body and cleaned some more of the noticeable wounds. You couldn’t sleep at all, kept awake by a compulsion to check the bleeding on his head and make sure that he was still breathing through all of it. 

Despite it all, the two of you didn’t feel fragile. Something unspoken was heavy in the air, something that said you both cared for each other so deeply that no circumstance could stop you from taking care of each other. Joel would do it for you, too. In the meantime, you were glad he didn’t have to.

-

In the morning Joel explained how he’d been jumped by his supplier and a few of his friends, and how he’d lost both the ammunition he was trading and the opiates and cigarettes. You thought that was a small price to pay for escaping with his life, but his stubbornness fought you on that point. 

You paid a sort of friend of yours– a former nurse– all of your ration cards from the last week to stitch up his head the following afternoon, much to Joel’s utter dismay and protest.

“It’s already done. I already paid,” you had told him, staring into his eyes with a hand cupped to his cheek. “Please just let him. Please.”

For you, your words said. For you, I would. 

He said nothing, but he sat for the few minutes of what must’ve white-knuckling pain to let the wound be sewn shut. I would, too, he echoed back. For you. You held his hand through it, even if that comfort was more for you than it was for him.

You forced him to just rest with you for the rest of the afternoon, hoping that the expired antibiotics you had been saving would nip the traces of the fever he had started to run. If that didn’t work, you promised him you would look for something that did.

Staring up at you in bed, he tucked your hair behind your ears and looked as if he wanted to say something but couldn’t. “You didn’t have to do all this, y’know. It was my own fault.”

“I did, though,” you replied as you smoothed your thumb across his cheek. “I  couldn’t do all of this without you.”

He cracked a smile. “Don’t flatter me just ‘cause I’m dyin’ over here. You’re better than me at ‘all of this’.”

You had hoped that your effort to keep him alive would’ve told him that you did in fact need him, almost more than anything, but in the moment it was fine. You would show him a million times over if that's what it took.

Instead, you rolled your eyes. “You aren’t dying. Don’t be an asshole. I do need you. How else would I spend my time if I didn’t have you to worry about?”

“Don’t know.” He grinned up at you. “You’d be a hell of a lot richer, I think. Not wasting all your rations on some old man.”

“Mmh, maybe, but I like to spoil you,” you said through a smile.

He pulled you down next to him with a soft c’mere, and you laughed as he tucked you in close to him and he buried his face in the space between your neck and shoulder. You could tell the wear on his body was making him achy when he tensed before having to let you go.

You smoothed his hair off his forehead, your fingers brushing against the clean bandages wrapped around his head. “I’ll run you a bath, if you want.”

He shut his eyes against the cool touch of your hand and nodded. “That’d be nice, honey. Real nice.”

That’s all he would ever have to say. Even less and you’d still do anything for him. He would never even have to ask.

-

[romanarose]

About a Girl: Chapter 1

Beautiful header by my beloved @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog

Joel Miller x Trans!Fem!Reader (Nickname, Blue)

Series Masterlist : The Last of Us Masterlist : Full Masterlist

Summary: Joel is a simple man. He goes to work, he takes care of his kindergarten age daughter, he tries to make sure Tommy doesn't die and occasionally Tess comes over. He works on Frank and Bill's farm with Tommy, Tess, and another coworker, Max. For his birthday, Tommy drags Joel out to a local grunge band's show, music he knows Joel hates. Joel is surprised to find Tess's girlfriends best friend, a girl they all call Blue because of the blue in her hair, has caught his attention.

What he doesn't know is she is trans. When he finds out, he's very confused, not because he judges her, but because he's not sure what it means for him. Does it make him gay? What does trans even mean? He's very confused. Still, despite all the confusion Joel has an open mind and he just knows that he has a lot of feelings for you and he wants to try. Joel goes on a journey of learning, not only what your trans identity means but also how to take care of himself, how to set boundaries, and learning he doesn't need carry the whole world on his shoulders.

Joel loves country, is as yeehaw as they come. Blue loves grunge, and looking as edgy as she can get by as a school teacher. Can you and Joel make it all work with the one thing that bonds them both together; flannel?

Warnings for whole fic, not chapter by chapter: 18+ ONLY!! I cannot warn against everything, but these are major themes. Joel is a lil ignorant but not out of hate. He just doesn't know. He's trying his best. There will be smut. Penetrative sex, all of the anal play, oral. There will be transphobia from other people. Addiction and alcoholism. QUICK child neglect not by Joel but I promise, Sarah is fine and is having a great time in life. Fetishization of women attracted to women by a shitty guy. Will update as needed. Again, this is adult content. Expect adult content.

Immersivity: Reader is transgender, AMAB female, reader has had gotten bottom surgery, not top, and is on hormones. reader has visible hair and a blue streak in hair, but not described. Could be braids, could be natural hair, whatever. Header is for aesthetics only. Reader is about Joel and Tommy's height. Let me know if i miss anything!

A/N: I am not a trans woman, but I am trans. I am doing my best research! If I got something wrong or accidentally say something offensive, please tell me! Same with Sarah's hair. I learned a LOT about black hair care from living with my black roommate for 2 years, and watching a lot of youtube. Again, if im incorrect or offensive, let me know and ill correct! I just want Joel to care about his daughters hair <3

TRANS LIVES MATTER! TRANS YOUTH MATTER! TRANS ELDERLY MATTER! TRANS WOMEN MATTER! TRANS MEN MATTER! NON BINARY TRANS MATTER!

It all started with Tommy, as most adventures do. Joel was certain Tommy would make sure to mention that fact during his best man speech.

“You have got to get out more. You’re making me stir crazy just watching you sit at home.”

Joel rolled his eyes, packing Sarah’s lunch. He was happy to throw in some plums, Sarah’s favorite fruit, that he got from the food pantry. Since Sarah started kindergarten and he didn’t have to pay for nearly as much childcare, things had gotten less horrifically tight financially but now he was playing catch up. Catching pneumonia last winter had drained his little savings with an ER visit. Joel desperately wanted to not rely on charity, but he also didn’t want Sarah to go without. 

“How would you know, you’re never even home.” Since getting out of the army, Tommy has not adjusted well. Joel was happy to let him live in the house he built for his ex-fiance on his parents land they gifted when Sarah was born. Tommy was a help with Sarah and was good company when he wasn’t out partying.

“Hey.” Tommy looked a little offended. “I’m here plenty. Just ask Sarah.” Sarah adored her uncle.

Joel sighed. “You’re right.” He wasn’t. “But I ain’t going. I can’t afford that, and I’d like to spend my days off with Sarah.”

Tommy tossed a cosmic brownie from the box he bought into Sarah’s lunchbox. “Come oooooon. Sarah loves the babysitter, and one night out won’t traumatize her forever. I’ll pay for the sitter, I already got tickets and I’ll even cover your drinks.”

Joel would rather the money go towards Sarah’s next dental appointment, but he couldn’t tell Tommy where to spend his money, and he knew there was no saying no to his brother when he gets like this. “How many bands are playing? I ain’t sitting through three openers, Tom.”

“Just one! You’re coming!” Tommy ran out of the kitchen and took the stairs two at a time before Joel could protest. “Sarah! Guess who gets to hang out with Jessica tonight!” Joel could hear the sound of springs bouncing as Sarah cheered and called out if the bed breaks, Tommy’s fixing it.

After getting Sarah dressed, he sat her down on a chair in the kitchen and looked at the clock. “Only got time for a ponytail, baby girl.” Joel had figured out some simple hair care for thick hair he wasn’t quite equipped to work with. Before Sarah was born, he didn’t know how to do a single braid. Joel had practiced a little before Tommy had to chop off his hippie curls for the army but he still was lost in a lot of ways. 2 years ago, Joel must’ve looked particularly lost in the ethnic hair aisle with Sarah in the cart and a kind woman guided him to some hair gel, argan oil, and an edge brush, scribbling a few instructions on some scratch paper. That’s what's gotten him through this far. Joel kept thinking he needed to reach out somewhere or maybe find a book… but with what time? 

Kayla, Sarah’s mom, wasn’t much help either. Kayla was mixed and absolutely inherited the polish side as far as hair, where Sarah got her late grandma’s genes. Kayla wanted to chemically straighten Sarah’s beautiful curls last year when she had her over Easter, but Joel put his foot down. When she was older, if she wanted to do whatever she wanted with her hair, braids, relaxed, wigs, she could but there was no way he was letting all those chemicals into a 4 year olds head just to make it “easier.” Joel could handle it.

She looked cute with her little puffball on the top of her head, anyway. 

“TOMMY! LETS GO!” Why was Tommy harder to get out the door than Sarah was?

Little hands tugged at his shirt. “Daddy I want coffee.” 

“No baby”

“Why?”

“It’s not good for little kids.”

“Uncle Tommy lets me have coffee.”

Joel sighed loudly. “Of course he did. Well, Sarah, that’s an uncle thing, I don’t know what to tell you. TOMMYYY!”

Tommy’s heavy footsteps clomped down the steps, dashing out the door. “Come one Jojo, whatcha wait’n for?”

*

How did little kids have so much energy in the morning? Tommy included. Sarah was chatty as ever on her way, talking excitedly about the eggs in the classroom's incubator. He tried to pay attention, he really did, but he was busy trying to figure out what bills he still owes. It was only September, one month into not having to pay out the ass for Sarah’s daycare. Was he even gonna be able to catch up at all before the summer comes? Her mom said she wanted to take her for the summer, but she was single right now and slightly more involved. When she finds a new man, she suddenly becomes much less interested in her child. Joel didn’t want Sarah around strange men all the time either.

“Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?”

Tommy nudged Joel, calling him name for Sarah’s attention.

“What?” Joel said, not unkindly but perhaps a little too harsh than he wanted to speak around his daughter. 

“Happy birthday daddy.”

Joel closed his eyes briefly, wincing at his prior tone. “Thank you baby. I’ll bring home a cake, how about that.” He felt like he could cry, snapping at his sweet girl for trying to wish him happy birthday. He was so bad at this.

Both children in the car cheered.

Joel dropped Sarah off with several kisses on her forehead, then ran off to the truck. He might just be on time if he speeds a bit. He didn’t speed with Sarah in the truck, he was less careful with Tommy. 

“Just in time!” Tess’s voice greeted them in the farm house. “You guys eat?”

She knew the answer. Sarah’s kindergarten had a free breakfast program, leaving Joel and Tommy on their own and god knows they didn’t take proper care of themselves. Luckily, they had great bosses.

Joel, Tommy, and Tess all worked for Bill and Frank on their farm. Joel had stumbled on this job shortly after Kayla left and God, what a blessing. Bill and Frank had trouble finding help being the only gay farmers on the planet to felt like, but Joel wasn’t really in a position to deny a good paying job, not in this economy, not with a baby who barely had a mom around anymore. This was before Tommy came back from the army, and Joel’s parents dead a few years prior. He was alone.

That’s where he met Tess. She was something else. A woman working as a farm hand alone was surprising enough, but she was the first openly bisexual person Joel had met. Hell, she was the only the third gay person he knew of and the first woman. He’d lived a sheltered life. Still, Joel didn’t really see an issue with none of it. Wasn’t his business what two grown adults did, that was his thought on the matter. Not that he really had enough time to have thoughts on much of anything other than keeping Sarah and Tommy alive. When Tommy came back, he started working on the farm too.

Tess slid the men some pancakes, stating she knew it and went ahead and made extra.

Frank entered the room with something in his hand. “Wait!” He placed the item, which Joel saw was a candle on the the pancake.

“Oh, no, you guys don’t gotta-”

“Shut the hell up, Miller.” Bill entered the room with a pack of cigarettes in one hand and a lighter in the other. He lit the candle, and then a cigarette. 

Frank took it out of his hand, putting it out under the sink. “If you absolutely must smoke, you’re not smoking inside our home.” He then turned back to Joel. “Happy birthday, Joel.” The forth employee, Max, enters the farmhouse and then embarrassingly, Franks leads everyone (except Bill) in a very shitty rendition of happy birthday.

*

“Hey,” Tess nudged Joel as she attempted to fix the clutch without calling Bill up. “You coming tonight?”

Joel rolled his eyes. “Yeah, Tommy convinced me. He also told Sarah it’s my birthday so now I gotta bring home cake and do a bit of the birthday thing with her. I was hoping to avoid it another year.”

She laughed at that. “Ah come on! It can’t be that bad.”

“She’s not, it’s my birthday that is.” 

“I know.” Tess patted his back.

Joel and her worked in silence for a moment, but he figured this was as good a time as any. “Hey uh… so. You and Tommy.”

Tess smirked, but didn’t look at him. “What about my dear friend?”

“Well uh, that’s just it…” Joel cleared his troat, rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s just, you guys been spending a lot of time together, and I’m just… well you know he’s at tough spot right now…-”

“When isn’t he?”

“Right. Well. I’m just wondering… Well.”

With a chuckle, she put down the wrench and turned to look at Joel with a smile. “You’re wondering if Tommy and I are an item.”

Cringing hard enough his eyes were closed, Joel nods.

“Don’t worry about your baby brother, he can handle himself.”

“Can he?”

“Joel. Look at me.”

Joel forced his eyes open.

“Tommy and I fuck sometimes to blow off steam, don’t act you’re much different.”

“It was one time!”

“It was 4 times, glad to know that I’m that forgettable.” Tess continued with her teasing before Joel could protest. “Listen, I know you’re worried about him, but Tommy and I aren’t interested in dating each other. It’s just for fun sometimes. Tommy puts up a tough front but I’d eat that boy alive.”

Finally, Joel laughed. Yes, she would.

Tess went back to work. “Besides, you’re meeting my new girlfriend tonight, birthday boy.”

*

Joel was exhausted, washing his hands and forearms and face before leaving to get Sarah. He tried to stay as clean as possible for Sarah. She didn’t need to know how hard he worked for her.

“Hey Joel, I get to watch Sarah this fall don’t I?” Frank asked as he sauntered into the kitchen. 

Joel tried to protest, as he did every year, but it was merely a formality to be polite. He couldn’t afford childcare in the late hours it took to get harvest done. Hopefully it wouldn’t be so bad now that Max was hired on, he didn’t see Sarah hardly at all harvest. Joel would come back to the farmhouse to find Sarah asleep on the couch with Frank, who was no help with farming. He handled the finances and paperwork, and functioned as a babysitter in pinches. Joel was forever indebted to the couple, inclduding Bill despite his facade of toughness.

“Nonsense Joel. I look forward to seeing her every time.” Sarah fucking loved Frank. He was teaching her painting and how to have a proper tea party, real tea and all. But with a lot of sugar. 

Speaking earnestly, Joel tried to express his appreciation. “Thanks, Frank. I appreciate it. I couldn’t do this without you.”

Frank clapped Joel on the shoulders, sliding him a card. “Thank you for everything you do. We really value you. I know Bill doesn’t say it much, or at all, but we appreciate you here.” He walked off, knowing Joel would protest the $500 cash inside the card.

*

“Daddy! Daddy! I made a friend!” Sarah exclaimed excitedly, running up to her father still covered in her paint smock that quickly transferred the red and blue onto Joel’s jeans.

“Is that so? Who is it?”

Sarah pointed to a little brunette girl sitting in time out. “That’s Ellie! She’s in trouble because she pretended a block was a gun.”

“Oh.”

*

At home, Joel went through the evening routine with Sarah, Tommy having gone with Tess to pre-game. He fed her as much of the macaroni she’d eat, bathed her and made sure to make things as easy for the sitter as possible. When Jessica came over, a nice local teenager that was great with Sarah, he briefed her as he tried to clean up the kitchen. 

“Daddy? Where’s the cake.”

Goddammit of course he forgot something. He just can’t do anything right, can he? He was a shitty dad, a shitty brother, a shitty boyfriend, a needy employee-

“Where's the birthday boy!” Tommy burst in, followed by a group of people, some he knew, some he didn’t. With him was Tess carrying a cake.

“TESS!!!!!!” Sarah shouted, but went more for the cake she carried.

“Hiya, love bug!” She patted her ponytail. “Ready to sing happy birthday at the top of your lungs?”

Hadn’t she had enough happy birthdays? She must’ve known he’d forget the cake. They hadn’t been pregaming at all, they were making him a cake.

Tess hands the cake to Tommy, then gestures to the women next to her. Dark skinned, tall, her hair in… locks? Were those called locks? He was cooked. He needs to learn hair. “This is Talia, my girlfriend.”

Talia smiled brightly, extended a hand which Joel shook. “So nice to meet you, Mr. Miller. Tess talks a lot about you Tommy and Max, it’s nice to put faces to the names.”

“Please, Joel is fine. I may ache like an old man, but I’m not one yet.” Joel joked with a soft but tired smile. He turned to tess. “Max coming?”

“Yup.” She shot him a look to be nice. Joel wasn’t fond of max. Good worker, shit head of a person. Joel knew he couldn’t really blame all Tommy’s shit on bad influences, but Max didn’t help. “And this,” She gestured over to another woman who he had just been too flustered to notice until now. “Is Talia’s best friend.”

You were absolutely fucking stunning, unlike anyting he’d ever seen in his life. Tight white tank top, tight leather pants and a leather jacket. In your hair was a streak of vibrant blue. Your eyes connected with his and for a moment, he forgot about all the other people in the room. 

“Oh, um, hello,” Joel shook your hand when he snapped out of it, repeating your name.

You smile at him. “Actually, most people just call me Blue.”

A small voice from Joel’s hip. “Is that because of your hair? Why is it blue? Are you sick?”

“Sarah! Don’t be rude.”

Chuckling brightly, you promise it’s okay and crouch down to Sarah’s eye level. “I’m not sick. I actually dye it like that.”

“But why?”

Internally, Joel groaned, thinking you’d take offense at the line of questions Sarah’s certainly had ready, but you just answered. “Well, I think it makes me look pretty, just you’re cute hair style makes you look pretty.”

Sarah lit up at that. “My daddy did it!!!”

“He did? That’s so awesome! You have such a nice daddy.”

Sarah nodded in avid agreement. “He’s the BEST!”

Joel couldn’t help smiling at that. He always felt like he was failing her, but she loved him regardless. “I can’t do a lot, but I’m trying to learn. I can do a mean ponytail.” Joel caught Tommy smirking at him.

Once the babysitter took Sarah to wash up for cake, Talia quietly spoke to Joel, still attached to Tess's arm. “Tess told me her mom isn’t really involved. I’d love to help you learn how to care for black hair.”

Joel felt his heart drop. “Oh shit, does it look terrible? I really tried but I don’t even know where to go and-”

Talia cut him off with a laugh and a hand up. “No, not at all! It looks very healthy. I just mean if you’d like to learn how to do more, especially as it gets longer.”

Always embarrassed to ask for help, he always swallowed his pride for Sarah. “Yeah, yeah actually I’d really like that… I’ll play yuh, don’t worry I wouldn’t make you do it for free-”

She attempted to say he didn’t need to pay, but Tess told her it was useless to try and fight. Joel figured the bonus from Bill and Frank could pay for Sarah’s dentist cleaning and the rest he could pay Talia. 

After a terrible happy birthday and saying goodbye to Sarah longer than really necessary, Joel was dragged out of the house to go to some shitty local grunge bands show for his birthday.

Joel fucking hated his birthday.

Thank you thank you thank you!!!!! I can't beleive people actually wanted to read this!!! We need more trans rep in this fandom <3

First chapter setting things up, then one chapter per week for 6 weeks for my Oscar/Pedro pride event!!! each chapter 2-7 will follow themes of the week until the happy end <3

MEET THE OC'S

Talia Monroe

Tess's girlfriend, Blue's bestfriend. Talia is joyfriend and high energy. She offers to help Joel learn black hair to properly care for Sarah.

Max Waltz

Works on the farm with Joel, Tommy, and Tess. Tommy likes him, Joel hates him, Tess ears towards liking him but tries to keep him in check. Max is a generally barzen man, hates his wife, is loud and annoying to Joel.

Kayla Carter

*no face claim right now*

Joel's high school sweetheart and ex-fiance, Sarah's mom. Kayla is in an out of sarah's life, lives out of town and is only around when its convinient, leaving Joel with alone.

I don't do tag lists for one shots but I do still for series so

How to keep up with the series:

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KISSES

Please remeber to reblog or comment or engage in some way <3 community keeps us all writing and drawing

@my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog @ashleyfilm @bumblepony @snnyc @casa-boiardi @del-ightfulling @joelsoftie

[bonitanightmxres]

Pinky Promise || JOEL MILLER

PAIRING: Joel Miller x wife!reader (non-outbreak au)

SYNOPSIS: After a long night at work, joel's long-kept secret comes to light.

WARNINGS: mentions of having kids, slight suggestiveness, slight allusions to smut, & that’s it i think

WORD COUNT: 1.3k

The job wasn’t supposed to last all night, but in order to prevent his crew running behind schedule, Joel took the matter into his own hands to ensure that a sufficient job was done. He felt good about it, knowing that at the end of the night, they would be a little ahead if tomorrow’s work went well. But he hadn’t realized the time until he climbed into his truck, ready to go home. You’d been taking care of your neighbor Anna’s daughter for the week while she was gone for work, which meant that both you and Joel were getting to know firsthand what it meant to take care of a little baby. And last night, boy did the baby fever overwhelm him in the greatest way. 

You’d had trouble putting Ellie to sleep, and it was getting late, so Joel stepped in. He carried her, walking around the house. Having a one-sided conversation with a baby who wasn’t even a year old yet turned out to be his favorite part. He whispered to Ellie, telling her how much she made him want to be a dad. He’d thought about having kids with you all the time, how wonderful you’d be as a mother, and how much he ached to be a dad. It was stuff he dreamt about at night, but was too afraid to say anything. Joel made Ellie pinky promise not to tell you, and he wrapped his pinky with her little one.  What Joel didn’t know was that you were right behind the wall of the kitchen, watching him as he prepared another bottle for her, and that you heard every bit of it.

Tonight, Joel selfishly hoped that Ellie had been giving you a hard time and wouldn’t fall asleep, just so he could do it again. Before she left, Anna swore up and down that by the time you both were done taking care of Ellie, you’d never want to have a kid, but Joel wasn’t so convinced. Sure, it was probably just the baby fever talking and there was hell of a lot more to taking care of a baby than he knew, but Joel wanted to find out. He wanted all the ups and downs, the scraped knees, the crying, everything. 

By the time he parked in the driveway, it was well-past one in the morning, even though he sped all the way home, and his heart dropped a little when the house was quiet, except for the quiet chatter of the television coming from your bedroom. When he opened the door to your bedroom, his heart sank even more when there was no sign of Ellie at all–her toys, bottles, and crib were all gone. He figured Anna must have come by, it was the most logical explanation, though he expected to have Ellie for the rest of the week. 

The remote to the TV was still in your hand, and you fell asleep sitting up slightly in a position that was sure to make your neck hurt in the morning. The window was open, letting in cool air, but you still wrapped yourself in a blanket. Joel chuckled at the sight before him as he changed into comfortable clothing–you clearly fought to stay awake and wait for him, but after a long few days with Ellie, Joel imagined that sleeping sounded a lot better than staying up. Joel gently fixed your position so that you laid in the bed properly with your head against the pillow, took the remote, and climbed into bed next to you. There was something so innocent, so peaceful about the way you slept that he almost felt bad when you stirred in your sleep when he leaned over and kissed your forehead to let you know he was home.

The warmth of his lips on your head was like a signal for the rest of your body to respond to his touch. Turning your body to face his side of the bed, you extended your arm out to feel him, your hand landing on his shoulder and slowly sliding it up to his face.

“You’re home.” Your eyes are still closed, but your voice was deep and raspy as your thumb rubbed his growing beard. “Everything okay?” 

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t worry, darlin’,” Joel brought your hand to his lips and kissed it, “Sorry for bein’ so late.”

His smile was the first thing you saw when you fluttered your eyes open for the first time that night. Even underneath the dull glow of the television, he still managed to look ruggedly handsome. “You want something to eat? There’s leftovers I can heat up for you if you wa-” 

You don’t even let him answer before you’re trying to get out from under the covers. He pulls you back into bed, wrapping an arm around you so that your head is tucked away on his shoulder. “No, no. I’m fine. I’d rather lay here with you.” 

Joel is holding something back, you can tell. “But?” 

“Nothin’, nothin’,” he reassures you, but you know something is up. “So, uh, w-where’s Ellie?”

“Anna came back early, so she picked up Ellie this afternoon.” 

“Oh.” 

You giggle, turning your head to read his face. “What do you mean ‘oh’? Why do you think the house is all quiet?”

He shrugged. “I-I just, I mean, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if the house wasn’t quiet all the time, would it?”

“You mean like…” 

“Who am I kiddin’?” Joel got up, sighing as he propped himself up with his elbow so that his head was above yours. He looked lovingly onto you, searching for any reason he could think of to not have kids with you, but his mind went blank. “Darlin’, you would make the most amazing mother. Seeing you with Ellie, it just proved to me what I’ve already known for a long time.” 

You giggled, “Aww, the baby fever got to you bad, didn’t it?”

“Wouldn’t it be nice, though?” Joel said with a growing smile as he thought about the idea. “A little one runnin’ around with her mama’s looks–”

“--And her daddy’s damned stubbornness.” You raised an eyebrow at him, and Joel laughed, knowing how much you called him out over his stubborn nature. 

“I know we’ve only talked about it a few times since we got married, but I ain’t gettin’ any younger, and I–”

“Joel, baby,” you grazed your hand over the back of his neck and pulled him down for a sweet kiss. “If you wanted to be a daddy so bad, all you had to do was say so.” 

He chuckled, “C’mon, you can’t tell me you don’t wanna be a parent. I’ve overheard your conversations with Anna, and lemme tell you, the things you talk about with that woman are borderline insane.” 

“Oh really?” Catching Joel off guard, you’re able to knock him onto the bed, flat on his back and hover over him. “Well, I happen to know that you’re dying to be a dad.” 

“Oh yeah? And how would you know that?” Joel pulled your legs so that they were on either side of his waist.

You answer him with another sweet kiss, though your lips linger on his for a lot longer than the first one and Joel can feel the heat spread throughout his body.

“Let’s just say that Ellie isn’t very good at keeping pinky promises.”

A wave of realization rushes over him, and he chuckles, shaking his head, before leaning up and kissing you feverishly, like there’s no tomorrow. And what begins as a passionate and heated love between you and Joel, ends up being a newborn baby girl nine months later.

---

@angelic-dreams13

a/n: ASHJFDKHSNFLK pls i can't😭

[thetriumphantpanda]

The Way You Miss Me | Joel Miller (Chapter Four)

Twenty Years and one apocalypse later and you find yourself in Jackson. Convinced that having found one Miller brother, the likelihood of you finding the other was slim, you were in for the shock of your life.

Pairing | Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings | Mentions of sexual acts including oral but nothing explicit, mentions of violence but again nothing explicit, and that's about it.

Word Count | 4.3K

Authors Note | Gonna be honest this one was a struggle... I've been working on this for over a week and it's certainly not my best work, bit of a filler so I hope it doesn't disappoint but we'll get into more juicy things with these two in upcoming chapters, I promise. Please let me know what you think - pop into my ask and leave some love or leave some comments and love on the post - it all helps!

Spring had well and truly sprung in Jackson. There was a slight warmth to the air which you had welcomed following the harsh winter you’d been through the previous year. The snow had melted, and you were glad to see some of the community out in the gardens preparing the beds for all the fruits and vegetables they would be trying to grow this year. 

It had been a long slog for you and your father since the outbreak. Bouncing from QZ to QZ until the last one had fallen. Then you’d been on your own, crossing state line after state line, settling for short periods of time in settlements before moving on, not sure what you were looking for until you’d fallen right on it, quite literally. 

It was snowing heavily and neither you nor your father could see you hand in front of your face. You’d praised God for the thick coats you’d managed to scavenge from a family home, but you weren’t likely to last much longer in this storm if you didn’t find shelter. Always in the back of your mind was the fact that your father was getting on in age. His knees were not what they used to be, and you’d noticed he was slower than he had once been. You’d both stopped keeping count of birthdays and years. Calendars were hard to come by in during the end of the world, but you knew it had been at least 20 years. He’d been several years older than Joel at the time of the outbreak and you both thought he was pushing sixty-seven or sixty-eight now.

Trailing through the snow you could slowly start to make out a huge gate with a perimeter around it. Turning back to yell out to your father that shelter was ahead you found him hunched in the snow on his knees. 

“Oh my God!” You’d exclaimed but the sound of the wind whipping the snow had covered it up. 

You ran as fast as you could back to him, looping your arm under his elbow to drag him up, “Come on dad, there’s a settlement up ahead, it’s not far I promise.” 

“Darlin’, just leave me, go on ahead and come back for me with help.” 

You were ashamed to admit that you had considered it. He was a heavy man, the years of travelling and trying to keep you both alive had taken its toll on both of you, but you remembered all the things he’d done for you up until this point and it wasn’t an option. He was coming with you or you’d both freeze to death in the storm. 

“Come on, just stand up for me,” You begged, “I promise we’ll be there in less than five minutes, please dad.” 

You felt him push himself up, using you to steady himself once he’d stood. You point out in front of you to show him the gate you spotted, “It’s just up there, can you see it?”  He nodded and keeping a firm grip on your arm you’d continued trekking through the snow to the gate in front of you. It was imposing and huge, you couldn’t see how far the walls went around due to the snow, but the fact that you could see three figures standing on the top, you’d bet inside was a large community. 

“What do you want?!” One of the guards had shouted down to you through the storm. 

“Me and my father, we just need somewhere to ride out the storm!” You’d called back, “We don’t need to stay, just somewhere warm until this passes.” 

You could see the man who had shouted down to you was talking to the other guard who was stood next to him before he made a signal for someone below him to open the gate. Relief flooded over you, in much the same way it did for your father who promptly collapsed to his knees again. 

You did the same as before, looping an arm to try and lift him up but this time he was a dead weight. You could see two figures running through the snow to help you, watching as they picked your father up and rushed him through the main gates. You didn’t take in the surroundings as you followed as quickly as you could behind the figures who were carrying your father, only stopping once they’d pushed through the doors of a makeshift hospital and put him onto a bed. 

There was silence as they unzipped his coat and pulled down the scarf he had wrapped around the lower part of his face to shield his skin from the cold when one of them stopped dead and turned around to you. 

“Tommy fucking Miller?!” 

“Holy fuckin’ shit.” 

Within seconds you were enveloped into the strongest hug you’d been given in your life and for the first time since the outbreak began you relaxed a little, returning the strong hug back to him. 

“How the hell did you get all the way up here?” He asked, releasing you, leaving his friend to care for your father. 

“I could ask the same thing about you.” You replied, “It’s a long fucking story.” 

At that moment, you’d been tempted to ask about Joel. 20 years and the end of the fucking world and that man was still front and center in your mind. You had almost opened your mouth to ask when your father’s coughing pulled you from your conversation. You rushed to the bed and took hold of his hand as he looked up at you. 

“Sorry Darlin’,” He’d spoken softly, “Guess I needed a rest.” 

You’d laughed, mainly through the sheer amount of adrenaline working through your veins and not because you found it funny, “You’ll never guess who we’ve managed to find?” You’d spoken, taking hold of his hand before shifting a little to reveal Tommy behind you. 

“Well I’ll never,” your father had spoken, trying to lift himself up in the bed to get a better look, “Never in my life did I think Tommy Miller would come to my rescue.” 

“I can’t believe you’re still going, old man.” Was Tommy’s response. 

That had been months ago and despite saying you’d leave once the storm had passed, the chance at a semi-normal life for the two of you and the fact that you’d found the only friend you thought you had left was enough to make you stay. 

“Good morning, sunshine.” Tommy had greeted a few moments after you’d knocked on his front door. 

“Morning Tommy,” You replied, “What’s on the agenda today?” 

“I need someone to help me scout a new trail down to the power station and back,” He’d explained as you made your way to the stables, “It’ll make life a lot easier for the guys trying to get it back up to 100% but I wanted to check it first.” 

In the few short months, you’d been at Jackson you’d not quite found your place in it. Your father had finally been able to retire, spending his days in the rec hall, the church or the bar with the older elderly population, but you’d bounced around from job to job trying to find the right fit. 

The school had been your natural first choice, you’d been three weeks into your history master’s degree when the outbreak had happened so thought teaching history would be good for you, until you realized you had despised most children even before the infected took over the world, so you swiftly packed that in. You’d volunteered to help much out the horses and learn about veterinary care, but you hadn’t particularly clicked with any of the other people who had worked there, so you’d settled for following Tommy around, helping with odds and ends where you could. 

Once the horses were saddled up and you were out on the trail you realized what a beautiful day it was. The sky was clear, and it was warm enough to forgo the large jacket you’d been wearing through the winter for something lighter. Maria had packed enough food for the both of you to enjoy on the trail later and as always, Tommy had his hip flask with him, hopefully filled with liquid from one of the pre-outbreak bottles you knew he kept at the back of the cupboard at home. 

“So, I have something I need to tell you.” Tommy had admitted when you’d tied the horses up to drink and take a break. 

“That’s not ominous at all.” You’d replied, gratefully taking the hip flask from him to take a sip. 

“I didn’t tell you at the time because it wasn’t meant to be permanent,” Tommy started, rubbing the back of his neck nervously, “But now it is permanent I wanted you to hear it from me.” 

“Okay, the suspense is killing me Miller, what’s going on?” 

“Joel is back.” 

You hadn’t realized you’d stopped breathing until you sucked in a shaky breath. Suddenly you couldn’t hear the birds or the running of the stream next to you. All you could hear was the blood pumping in your own ears. Joel. Joel was alive. 

“What do you mean, he’s back?” You asked. 

“He was here over the winter, maybe a week after you arrived but he was gone the next day, so I didn’t think it was worth mentioning, not with your dad and everything, but yeah, he’s back.” 

“Does he know we’re here?” 

Tommy shook his head, “Honestly Sunshine he’s been here less than two days, so we thought we’d let him get settled, but Maria is going to talk to him whilst we’re out here.” 

Tommy had been closed off about Joel since you’d arrived in Jackson. He’d mentioned that they’d run in the same circle for a while until he’d broken off and joined the Fireflies and Joel had ended up in Boston. He’d told you Sarah had died on outbreak day but was vague with the details and that had been about it. You’d not wanted to press for any more information, trying to tell yourself that it wouldn’t help anyway. You’d found one Miller brother, there was a slim chance of finding the other during the end of the world. 

“I can’t believe he’s here.” 

“I have to warn you sunshine,” Tommy began, “He ain’t the same man he was before all this.” 

You nodded, “Are any of us?” 

Tommy chuckled, “I don’t think you’ve changed much at all,” He admitted, “I don’t know how you’ve managed it but you’re still this beacon of joy.”  An involuntary snort left your nose, “I’ve done shitty things to keep myself alive Tommy, shitty things to people who didn’t deserve to have shitty things done them, but if you let that consume you, what’s the point of any of this?” 

“I just don’t want you to be disappointed.” Tommy sighed, rubbing at the back of his neck. 

“Twenty years is a long time when you’re pretty sure someone is dead, I think I mourned for whatever it was we had long ago, so please don’t worry about me Tommy, I’ll be fine.” 

***

Back in Jackson, Joel was sat at the dining table in his new home, Maria sat across from him sipping from a cup of coffee. She’d brought it over for him, something from Tommy’s stash apparently. It was bitter but it had been a long time since he’d tasted his favourite drink so despite it burning down his throat, he followed Maria and took a sip of his own. 

“How are you settling in?” She asked. 

“We’re fine.” 

Maria nodded. She realized Joel didn’t trust her and she understood. If he was going to stay here for good, it would take some time for him to warm up to her. She still couldn’t understand why she had to be the one to tell him what was going on. She had become much closer to you than she could ever see herself becoming to Joel, but Tommy had insisted. Something about the female intuition being better for him in situations like this. 

“Listen, I’m not going to beat around the bush, Tommy wanted me to talk to you about something.” 

“I gathered.” 

Maria sighed, “I don’t really know much about it, but he told me there was someone you knew, before the outbreak. A girl.” 

Joel had been avoiding her eye contact up until this point, but his eyes shot to hers in that moment. Surely, she couldn’t be talking about you. He’d accepted long ago in those first few months that you were gone. Ripped apart by infected or shot by FEDRA before you could get somewhere safe. It was easier that way. Easier to kill you off in his mind so he hadn’t spent the last twenty years of his life mourning not just his daughter but the woman that had made him feel alive for the first time in years. 

“Said you had something going over the summer before all this happened,” He could see she was struggling, “Well anyway, Tommy wanted me to tell you that she’s here, been here a while actually, she and her father arrived probably a week before you rolled in the first time.” 

Joel tried not to let him emotion show but he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Not only had you made it through the end of the world but so had your old man. Of all the people he had expected to find here it hadn’t been either of you. 

“Tommy is talking to her today as well so you both know, we didn’t want you to just run into each other and have the shock of your life, Tommy thought it might bring on some kind of heart attack in you and one baby is enough for us right now, we couldn’t handle Ellie as well.”  He knew she was trying to make light of the situation and under any other circumstance he probably would have laughed but he was having a hard time keeping his panic under control. He tried to ground himself, taking deep breaths into his chest. What would you look like now? Had the years of hardship been kind to you? Would you have fine lines at the edge of your eyes like he’d always imagined you would from all your smiling? Would you have scars? What had you both done to keep each other alive until now? All questions he was dying to ask you, but no. He couldn’t do this. 

Ellie was enough. One person to rely on him. He’d done unspeakable things to get them here and he couldn’t have someone else to rely on him. Someone else to keep safe. Even in the walls of Jackson where you could almost convince yourself the last twenty years hadn’t happened. He couldn’t be the man he wanted to be for you all those years ago. 

“Well, I appreciate you tellin’ me Maria,” He spoke finally, “But that was a long time ago and I got other things to be focusing on now.” 

“Of course,” Maria was standing up to leave, “I best be going, but maybe you should consider bringing Ellie to the bar tonight, it’s been a couple of days and I’m sure the rest of the community would like to meet the new arrivals.” 

He waved her off with a promise they’d think about it, silently knowing he wouldn’t be going. 

“So we’re going right?” He heard Ellie’s voice at the top of the stairs, “I’ve always wanted to go to a bar.”  “What did I tell you about eavesdroppin’?” 

***

You’d been shooting back whiskey since you’d arrived at the bar and it was now settling in your stomach and going straight to your head. Your father was sat opposite you, facing the door. You’d not told him about Joel being here, why you’d kept it to yourself you weren’t sure, but Tommy had explained on the ride back that Maria was going to invite him to the bar that night, get him to do the rounds and meet everyone that he could. 

You’d almost considered staying home, but your father had insisted on bringing you out and you knew if Joel was here to stay you couldn’t avoid him forever. You needed to get this over with as soon as you could. That didn’t stop the dull ache of anxiety settling in your chest. 

Every time the door opened; you’d watch your father’s expression for the telltale sign that it was Joel that had walked in. About an hour ago a flash of recognition had flashed across his face, but it had just been Mr Grady from the house across from yours. They’d had some idle chatter before the rest of Mr Grady’s family had joined you at the table where they’d been sat for a while. 

“Are you okay, sweetheart?” Your father asked. 

“Hmmm?” You hummed in reply. 

“Paul just asked you a question,” He said, pointing to Mr Grady, “And you were miles away.”  “Oh, sorry,” you apologized, “I guess my head is somewhere else tonight, what did you ask?” 

“How was the trail today?”  “It was fine, clear apart from some fallen trees but it won’t take much to clear them, no signs of infected or raiders either.” 

“Good, it’ll be good for the lads to have an easier way to get down every day.” 

You’d nodded, knocking back the last of your whiskey and standing up before the front door creaked open. You almost knew what to expect before you looked to your father who looked almost like he was about to pass out. You turned around, glass in hand and there he was. Joel Miller in all his glory. 

He was still tall and imposing, broad in the shoulders, but his hair and beard had a spattering of grey hair and the expression on his face was hard, cold even. Stood next to him was a girl, surely no older than Sarah would have been when you’d last seen her. She had a look of wonder on her face as she took in the bar, the look of wonder every person who hadn’t been around before had when they saw something from the time before this. 

You’d been fine until Joel’s eyes snapped to yours. Your breath hitched in your throat and the glass you’d been holding fell and smashed on the floor, causing the low chatter to stop around the bar. Everyone was looking at you now, “Sorry.” You muttered, dropping to your knees to pick up the larger pieces of glass, more for a distraction than anything else. 

By the time you’d stood up and sat back down in your seat, Joel was at the bar with Tommy and the young girl. Even with his brother you could tell he was tense. Tommy hadn’t been lying when he said he was different. 

You’d been half listening when your father had explained that the two of you had lived close to Joel and worked together before everything went down, keeping your eyes trained on his back as he gladly accepted a glass of whiskey from Shane behind the bar. Tommy shot you a look over his shoulder whilst Joel took a drink, somewhere between an apology and a questioning look as to whether you were alright. You nodded softly in his direction that you were fine, or as fine as you could be under the circumstances. 

Mr Grady and his family left pretty quickly after that, something about his grandson being out on patrol early, leaving just you and you father at the table. 

“If anyone was gonna survive this thing it was always going to be that man,” Your father mused, sipping the last of his drink, “Just didn’t think he’d ever find this place.” 

You were half listening to him, giving him a nod in reply as you watched Tommy point to your table. You could have sworn Joel shook his head in response, but you wouldn’t bet money on it but then Tommy was pulling the open lapel of his jacket and turning him round, pushing at the small of his back towards your table. 

Within seconds, Tommy, Joel and the nameless girl were stood by your table, and you thought once you might pass out again. The last time you’d seen Joel had been the night before the outbreak. You’d snuck out to wish him a happy birthday which had of course lead to him splitting you open in the back of his truck, pulling three orgasms from you before you’d sucked him off and let him cum down your throat. He’d kissed you goodbye and promised to see you that weekend and that had been the last of it. 

“If it ain’t Joel Miller,” Your father greeted, struggling in his old age to stand from his chair, extending his hand out to him which he took, “Welcome back, you old man.”

“It’s good to see you again,” Joel replied, refusing to look at you, “Of all the people I thought to see here with my brother I’ve gotta admit I didn’t think it would be you.” 

Your father was still standing, using his hands to steady himself on the table, “Can’t say I can take much of the credit, it’s all thanks to this one.” He nodded his head towards you. 

Finally, he was looking at you. You didn’t really know what you’d expected but he was looking at you like he’d never really seen you before, despite knowing the most intimate parts of you and that hurt. 

“Hi Joel,” You greeted quietly, holding out your hand which he took just long enough to give your hand a squeeze before letting you go like he’d been disgusted at touching you, “It’s good to see you again.” 

He stared at you for what felt like forever until the girl next to him piped up in conversation, “So, can I have a drink?” 

“No, you cannot.” Joel was quick answer, “You’re not old enough.” 

“Dude, c’mon, it’s the fuckin’ apocalypse, just a little one.” 

“Ellie, I said no.” 

She looked like she was going to challenge him for a second but decided against it, then she looked to you, “How do you guys know each other?” 

You went to open your mouth but your father cut in, “We used to work together, started my business and these guys came along to help with everything, and my girl here used to look after Joel’s daughter in the evenings before she went off to study.” 

You watched Joel tense when your father mentioned Sarah, twenty years was never enough time to get over losing your first born.  

“I’m Ellie, nice to meet you.” She directed in your direction. 

You smiled warmly at her, you already liked this girl, whoever she was to Joel, “It’s lovely to meet you, Ellie.” 

“Well, it’s been good to see you Joel, hopefully we’ll see you both around a bit more, but I think it’s time for this one to get me home.” 

Silently thanking your father for saving you anymore embarrassment you quickly put your jacket on, rounding the table to loop your arm in his to escort him home. He was perfectly capable of doing it all on his own, but the two of you liked to be as close to each other as possible since his scare in the snow and after years of him looking after you it was only right you were starting to repay the favour now. 

“Goodnight.” You spoke softly to Joel as you walked past him, stopping a few seconds near Tommy to agree to help him with something the following day before leaving. 

***

Later that night, when Joel had finally gone to bed his mind was racing. He and Ellie had stayed just long enough at the bar to not seem rude before he made his excuse and took them both home. She’d gone up the stairs to her room leaving him at the kitchen table with bottle of whiskey Tommy had given him from his stash. 

You hadn’t really changed at all. You’d aged, but even during the end of the fucking world you’d managed to do it gracefully. The smile lines he’d drawn in his mind were exactly where he’d thought they’d be, your hair had a small spattering of greys in it and there was a scar that sliced through your top lip which told him however you’d managed to survive it hadn’t been easy. But you were still you, with those big, beautiful eyes he’d remembered and your soft voice that could have begged him for anything and he’d have given it to you. 

He certainly wasn’t the same man, not the man you’d wanted all those years ago on his back porch in the heat. He was old, damaged and had more emotional baggage now than he had back then. He knew he had to stay away from you, he couldn’t allow himself to give into what he really wanted because he knew, deep down, that he would fail. He couldn’t be the romantic man he’d been before, lying you down and spending hours pulling sounds of pleasure from you in his bed, wishing that he could take you out and hold your hand for everyone to see but knowing he couldn’t. 

Things were very different now and that would just mean having to keep his distance, he couldn’t risk another attachment, Ellie was enough for him. If only he’d known that a few streets over you were lying in your bed thinking the exact opposite, thinking about how you could get as close to him as possible and rekindle what you’d had, then he’d have known it was all over before it had even begun. 

PREV | NEXT

[urhotgf7]

words cannot explain the many feelings that are happening in my heart and my brain rn, I was shocked, in awe, amazed and went through all 5 stages of grief during this 5th episode .

HBO U MF DID IT AGAIN.

[boilingcowboy]

a while ago I made a post about how Joel and Ellie represent different ways that people deal with anger here is an extension to that and how the way they sort of use their anger and the way their anger changes throughout the show.

Joel is a person who lets his anger eat him alive because he doesn't show it he keeps inside of him forces it down because its not worth it. The world already took everything he had there is no reason for him to show it there is no reason to, it doesn't matter nothing matters he shouldn't even be alive he should be dead like his world the world that he lost 20 years ago.

But then Ellie appears and she forces her way into his heart and suddenly he has another world a world that is still alive a world he can still save and this time he swears he won't let this world die like his other world and Joel lets his anger take control again to protect his world he lets his anger blur everything but his world out and lets his anger let him be focused on one thing and one thing only. Protecting and giving everything to his world Ellie even if it takes everything he can give he will give everything even burn the actual burn down for her.

Then there is Ellie who shows her anger she doesn't let her anger eat her alive no she lets her anger take control and she lets and wants everyone to know that she's angry because the world caused her pain caused her to be angry so she will show the world. She will scream, kick, scratch, stab, bite, punch, cry and destroy. Spit world in the face and force it to watch her destroy it and be angry because its the worlds fault, the world caused her so much pain and its not fair.

But by the end of the show this changes. Ellie has no anger left in her anymore all she feels is pain there is no rage in her anymore because that's one of the many things David took from her and she just wants it to be done she just wants to make the cure and be useful maybe even prove to herself that she's capable of doing something good that her life matters that its okay for her to be alive to live that she doesn't have a violent heart.

But then Joel takes that from her and that anger is back and it's new. Her anger earlier was the thing that kept her going but now shes drowning in it drowning in this mixture of pain and anger and sadness and loss and its not something that keeps her going its something that splits her brain in half because on one side she knows Joel is lying to her and now her chance to be something good is taken from her and everything she did, everyone she couldn't save, everything she has been thrown was for nothing she didn't do anything good, she's useless so why is she even alive ? she's nothing good she has a violent heart just like he said.

But on the other side she knows, she knows Joel saved her, she knows she finally has someone who protects her, maybe someone who truly loves her and won't leave her and one tiny part of her brain is telling her that this is something good and she should be alive because maybe she can restart maybe she can become something else then just a cure maybe she should live.

Also I think the way Joel and Ellie show and use their anger in the beginning also could be interpreted as how different age groups feel anger like a lot of young people, kids and teens will show their anger they will be loud about it because they don't have a lot of authority and are generally angry at the world and sometimes the only thing they can do is use their voice if they can even do that and then there are a lot of older people who let their anger eat them alive and force themselves not to show it because often being angry and showing it Is seen as childish so the force it down.

[lokischocolatefountain]

Yellow Bikini

Part of the series Neighborly Thing to Do

Fandom(s): Narcos, The Last of Us (HBO)

Pairing: Javier Peña x Reader x Joel Miller

Rating: 18+

Summary: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife. Simple rule to follow, you’d think. But it’s not so simple when your neighbor catches you coveting his girl, fucks her in front of you and tell you that you can help yourself to her anytime you want.

A/N: I was thinking of making this a series of smutty drabbles. If you guys have requests for these characters, send them in 💛

“Nice tits, right?”

“What?” He asks, shocked, prying his eyes off the woman.

“Come on Miller, I ain’t mad,” Javier says, popping a cigarette between his lips and bringing his lighter up to it. His eyes are on his girl as she laughs at something their friend says. He looks unashamedly. Joel feels guilty for shaming the man for looking at his own girl while he was sitting there, sipping on the beer the man offered him as he stared at his girl.

Joel shifts uncomfortably on the plastic pool chair, redness creeping up his neck and then his face as the embarrassment of getting caught lusting after another man’s girl settles in. He isn’t some kind of pervert. He likes to believe he is the same well mannered man his Mama raised him to be. But what well-mannered man stares at his neighbor’s girl swimming in her pool? What kind wondered what was under the barely-there bikini she wore?

Shit, he was literally coveting his neighbor’s wife.

“No need to be shy, Joel. I’m not some possessive asshole who’s gonna pop a nerve just because someone stared at my girl. I know what I got and I know how hard it is to resist,” he said, his eyes set on you in the bright yellow bikini, half submerged in the pool. You and Javier had moved into the neighborhood a few weeks ago and you’d already become quick friends with everyone, the men in particular.

Joel was nice to you when he saw you— dropping off garbage in the morning, collecting the newspaper, at the grocery store. But he kept his distance and didn’t flirt like the other men. He didn’t want to be too obvious. And he had more manners than those men. Or so he thought before Javier called him out on it.

He should’ve said no when the DEA agent invited him and Tommy over for a pool party with his friends. But it was getting hotter by the day and Tommy dragged him over to the party, telling him that they really needed a goddamn break.

“Alright. Since you wanna be shy, I’ll be a good neighbor and help you out,” Javier said, walking off in your direction. He snaps his fingers at and beckons you and you immediately get out of the pool, abandoning your drink and your conversation with your friend.

Joel’s heart nearly stops when he sees you, all of you, dripping water down your pretty skin. He swallows when he catches a tattoo of some kind on your ass, spelling out an impolite word no one should call a woman. But it turns him on anyway. His cock twitches in his swim trunks as he imagines calling you that word.

You’re on your knees in front of Javier. He reaches behind you and pulls at the strings around your back and your neck and pockets the fabric. Joel palms himself, not caring that Javi was looking straight at him as he pulled his cock out and thrust it in your mouth.

This was just a sick wet dream. He would wake up any minute to his alarm now. Just a sick dream.

Javier has his hand in your hair, using his grip to control you like a toy, fucking your face on his cock rather than thrusting into you. He smirks at Joel and this time, he doesn’t look away at being caught. Looking away would be the decent thing to do. But is anything decent in this situation? The man is fucking his girl in front of a bunch of people for Christ’s sake!

His eyes met Tommy’s and he dropped his hand immediately. The brothers look away from each other immediately and at the sight in front of them. But none of their neighbor’s friends seem at all fazed by Javier fucking his girl’s mouth in broad daylight in front of everyone with her tits out. Anyone could see. Anyone else, neighbors. Like him. Creeps like the guy who visited the Adlers. And him, apparently.

The only one with any decency to look away is Steve, the blond guy. Even his wife seems interested.

Javi finishes on your face and you stay put on your knees, letting him come all over your pretty face. Joel wishes you didn’t have your back to him, wishes he could see that sweet face covered in jizz. He wanted the view Tommy had. Fuck!

Javi steps away and his friend, the walking stereotype of a Southern man who walked in wearing a goddamn cowboy hat takes his place. Javi walks back to Joel, cigarette still between his lips and throws your yellow bikini top at him.

“Help yourself to her anytime, neighbor. I don’t mind.”

[smokeybrand]

Something Wicked This Way Comes

I thought the theater was done with me for the rest of the year. I finally got the opportunity to see The Green Knight which, unsurprisingly, turned out to be my top film of the year and Zola was so much more than i could every dreamed it could be. Outside of my favorite studio, there was a lot of great released this year, even if those releases were caught up in this prolonged COVID f*ckery. We saw the rise of the China box office and Hollywood falling completely out of love with the Middle Kingdom. Netflix made a hard push to capture cinematic market share and it looks like they’ve done just that. There were some great releases to the OG streaming service this year like The Harder They Fall. HBO max really kept the heat up starting with Judas and the Black Messiah, following with the adorkable Godzilla vs. Kong, and finally blessing everyone with the glory of Dune part one. Black Widow underwhelmed, Shang-Chi surprised, and Eternals laid an egg. With just Spider-Man next week and The fourth Matrix after that, i, for sure, thought that would be the death knell for this wonky ass year in awkward film releases. Nope.

Out of nowhere, i wake up to, not only a dope ass trailer for Sonic the Hedgehog 2 starring Idris Elba as the most hardbody Knuckles, ever, but A24 gifts me another film right at the end of the year. I’m on record as being a fan f Shakespeare. I’ve written an essay on my love for the extremely camp, extremely Nineties, Romeo + Juliet, as well as a Select lost of my favorite Shakespearean adaptions. A24 has very likely just added to that list. The Tragedy of MacBeth will be released the day after Christmas in a limited theatrical release and steaming on Apple TV midway through January. MacBeth is arguably my favorite of Shakespeare works so work of another adaption piqued my interest. When i found out it wasn’t an A2 release, it my attention and boy was i attentive! That trailer hit me like a f*cking truck! So much atmosphere, such beautiful shots, all of which captured in black and white. I’m going to sound like a straight up cinema snob but i love a black and white flick. It adds an air of mystique to film and i tend to pay closer attention. I know it’s a cheap trick but, when pulled of properly, like with Mad Max: Fury Road or even that Sekiro game, it really adds something special to the content. And, let me tell you, this MacBeth adaption is shaping up to be something really special.

This thing kills. Just, the massive creativity on display is overwhelming. There is seriously an embarrassment of riches on hand for this film. First and foremost, Joel Cohen is the driving fore behind this picture. He wrote the screenplay and is helming this thing, plus has a producer credit. This is his baby and, along with his brother, have given us films like Fargo, the True Grit remake, O Brother, Where Art Thou?, Raising Arizona, and The Big Lebowski. The list is much, much richer than those few, but those are the few which stood out to me. Now, one half of that genius duo i adapting my favorite Shakespeare joint and doing so with headlining talent of purely impeccable caliber. F*cking Denzel Washington and Frances McDormand are Lord and Lady MacBeth, respectively. I cannot stress enough how geeked i am for this film. With Coen behind the camera, i know its going to be a feast for the eyes. I know the writing ins going to be outstanding. I know that Washington and McDormand are going to deliver fantastic performances. I know i am going to love this f*cking movie because i love everything about the pieces. The only film i planned to see in theaters was No Way Home because of course but this MacBeth adaption? Man, i might just have to chance it for a second time.

[gg-pedro]

can you hear the music (ch. 2) - joel miller x reader

masterlist

summary: everyone in jackson is trying to distract themselves from something. you teach ellie piano and find yourself trying to help more than one miller settle into their new world.

chapter 2: navigating joel’s heart is a bittersweet thing. mostly sweet, though.

warnings: post outbreak!joel, jackson!era, joel x reader, AFAB!reader, platonic!ellie x reader, implied age gap, fingering, unprotected piv (don't do that tho), fairly tame aside from that, brief descriptions of an injury, mentions of blood, hurt/comfort, angst, weird feelings (and there's more where that came from!)

words: 2.5k

a/n: I wrote the majority of this while listening to clocks by coldplay. hope this helps. (also thank you for the love on chapter 1! glad I'm not the only ooey gooey joel miller lover.)

-

Joel, yes. Joel, yes. Joel, please. 

Repeating his name like a metronome, a 2/4 time signature, the beginnings of a beautiful song coming from your lips and melting against the warm skin of his bare shoulder.

Your clothes had vanished somewhere in between the hall at the top of the stairs and the entrance of your bedroom. Joel grabbed you, nudging you back against your own creamy bedsheets. He took you in, all of you. He was between your thighs in an instant, head bowed between your parted legs like he was praying at the base of an altar.

“You’ve done this before, right, baby?” He pulled you by your hips, his big hands settling perfectly into the indentation of your waist.

You rolled your eyes and brought a hand up to cup his scruffy cheek. The answer was yes, you’d had sex before, but this? No, you had never been so wildly attracted to someone, so soaked from the start, so certain that your partner’s touch was the closest you were ever going to get to God. 

“You don’t have to be gentle with me.”

“‘M gonna be gentle with you, darlin’. Tell me to stop and I will, alright? I will, you don’t feel bad about nothin’ here.” He bowed down to kiss you again, sloppy and warm, his fingertips ghosting the length of your torso. He made you shudder and gasp against his open mouth.

He found your slick entrance, teasing you with two calloused fingers whose grooves made your back arch and your mouth fill with saliva. You reached down to stimulate your aching clit as he pumped his middle and ring finger in and out of you, speeding up, slowing down, testing your reaction from the strangled sounds of pleasure escaping your lips.

You fell right into it, your form turning to putty underneath him. His fingers curled and hit that ribbed edge inside of you until your hand on his shoulder blades turned into a pleading vice grip, begging for more.

“Joel… Joel, I–”

He stopped immediately, unsure if your mumblings were that of pleasure or uncertainty. He hovered over you, his lips ghosting across your jawline. “Say it, baby. What do you want?”

“You,” you said without hesitation. You wanted to come undone with his dick inside of you. Just him, pure and raw and carnal. 

His belt had already been undone, and he forced down his worn jeans and boxers to reveal his stiffened cock. You licked your fingers, bringing your hand around to stroke up and down the frontside of his length. It was a biblical sight: throbbing veins clearly visible, looking almost too oversized for you to take properly. 

He grabbed your middle and pulled you upright against his body, legs bent and slightly parted on the bed. You fit perfectly between him, wrapping the two of you together as your lips found each other’s in another desperate fervor. You sank down onto his cock, your walls clenching around him immediately and involuntarily. Twin moans sounded from both of your throats, and Joel didn’t give you more than a few seconds before he was thrusting upwards into you. 

The two of you shared the work, with him setting a sweet pace and you grinding your hips to meet it. Your bodies were both slick with sweat, faces reddenned; two burning silhouettes against a backdrop of patchy orange light. 

Joel was gentle and balanced at first, his motions coordinated and purposeful. In your warm, tight walls, you knew he was unraveling. When his thrusts grew jerky, he forced you back onto the bed, nipping and biting at the skin across your neck and collarbone while you clawed at his back. 

Joel. Fuck, yes. Please, I’m–

There it was again, that chorus you couldn’t sweat out.

“I’m here, baby, I got you. Drivin’ me up the fuckin’ wall with those little sounds.”

You couldn’t hold out any longer. Tears fought their way out of your eyes as you muffled uncontrolled moans into his shoulder. You saw white, and then things were fuzzy until the black faded from the corners of your vision. He’d fucked you blind, you were afraid.

That sent him tumbling over the edge after you, his entire body slowing and twitching as he gave the last few thrusts into your over-sensitive, aching hole. When he pulled out of you he cupped your cheek with one of his hands, swiping away the trail of tears with the pad of his thumb.

He kissed you again, and again, kissing you breathless and dizzy. He rolled over to the other side of you with a low grunt and pulled your body in close to him.

“Y’alright? Didn’t hurt you or nothin’?” He propped himself up to take another good look at your face. He was cataloging it– memorizing you.

You smiled and gazed up at him in the warm light. “No. You’re perfect. Stop worrying.”

“Yes ma’am.”

He smiled. It was a real smile, one you hadn’t seen before.

You both tended to yourselves in the bathroom afterwards before collapsing back into bed together. You slept for the first time in months. It didn’t matter how many nights had passed with you curled up in a warm bed in Jackson, away from the bitter wilderness or outside threats, you never could shake that nagging feeling that you were one wrong move away from death. You slept restlessly everywhere, waking up drowning in your quilted comforter and drenched in sweat in the still morning. 

But this time, when you were startled awake from a restful sleep, sunlight dripping through the curtains–

He was awake, too. He cracked a grin as your fingers found their way into his unkempt hair. 

“Go back to sleep, baby,” he whispered. 

He pulled you close to his chest, hand placed protectively on the back of your head until it trailed down to your neck and shoulders, nails raking lightly over chilled skin.

Yeah. This was going to kill you. Both of you, more likely than not. 

You slept anyway.

-

Joel came to you. Often. 

The two of you had improvised a system. Of course you had, you were having sex with Joel Miller. You would leave your bedroom light on after curfew if he was free to come. It worked out well. Clearly, because he was sharing a bed with you more nights out of the week than not.

He would come in, a little more than tired, and melt right into your arms like liquid mercury. He wouldn’t say much at first, just mumbling that he missed you and couldn’t stop thinking about you while he was gone. Wanted to make sure you were alright. He’d pull back for a moment, scanning your features and any exposed skin on your body. 

“I’m fine, Joel. Stop worrying about me.”

Tucking his head into the space where your neck met your shoulder, he sighed. “I know, I know. I can’t.”

That was true, you knew it was. And it was sweet. And it was reason enough to keep him wrapped in your arms all night. 

Sometimes he fucked you, sometimes he didn’t. Sometimes, though, he fucked you raw and shaky and teary-eyed. It was always a surprise, but a welcome surprise, something that you could look forward to throughout the days in Jackson that tended to bleed together.

On one particular night, a few minutes past 10 o’clock, the front door knob turned, opened, and clicked shut in one swift motion. You came down the stairs to meet him, unbuttoning the cardigan you had thrown on over clothes. The expression on his face gave you pause for a moment. He was holding his left arm in an unnatural way, a little stiffened and sort of awkward. He looked exhausted and there was a pinch between his eyebrows.

You smoothed a hand over his bearded face and took the arm gently into your hand to examine it. His jacket had a slash through it and a mixture of dried and fresh blood had seeped into the fabric of his flannel beneath it. He pushed you away, instead curling his good arm around your lower back and pulling you in. 

“What happened?”

He looked away from you, inhaling sharply as you twisted out of his embrace to examine his arm again. “Fucked around too much with an old hunter’s trap. Clipped me good. I’m fine.”

You smacked his shoulder before turning to gather supplies from the kitchen. A wet washcloth, soap, and a stash of bandages you took from the clinic. Look, these were hard times, and you had yourself to think of, too.

“You’re an idiot,” you said from the other room. “I thought you could’ve been bit. Why didn’t you go to the clinic? Someone should’ve been on staff. Who were you with?”

He came to take a seat at the kitchen table, a shuddery little sound escaping his throat as he shed his jacket and rolled up one sleeve. Ignoring all of your questions, he said, “Bit? I wouldn’t fuckin’ come here if that happened.”

You thought about that scenario and what it would entail for a brief moment before shutting it out of your mind. Joel was here, with you, mostly in one piece. 

“You’re still an idiot.”

You sat down in the chair next to him and brought his arm up so that it was flush with the table. It wasn’t so bad, just a few punctures. The part that concerned you was where he had evidently pulled it out from the metal and the skin had snagged.

The moment you started dabbing at it with soapy water, he flinched and pulled back. “You don’t have to do this. I ain’t asking you to do this,” he clarified. 

Ignoring him this time, you situated yourself to access the wound again, dabbing away the dried blood around his arm. “Well here I am, Joel. If you aren’t gonna take care of yourself, I’m happy to do it. Tommy would. Ellie would. You don’t go to them, though.”

You go to me. 

You cleansed the jagged tears with fresh water and patted it dry. “What did you think was going to happen? You come here, I ignore the gaping hole in your arm, we fuck and then you leave?”

He sat back and his eyes were glued to the ceiling. “No. I don’t fuckin’ know, alright? Ellie’s a kid, and Tommy… I don’t know what I thought.”

He raised his voice and you stared at him. When he met your eyes again, they were tired and glassy.

“‘M sorry, baby. I’m sorry. I just–” He brought his good hand up to your face, his thumb gliding back and forth against your skin. “I ain’t gonna be a burden on you. You’re too young, y’shouldn’t have to take care of me.”

Shaking your head and fighting back tears, you unwound a long strip of bandages. “Shut up. What’s gotten into you? You can’t just say shit like that.”

“–if somethin’ happened to me, I wouldn’t want you to–”

“Jesus fucking christ, Joel, I said shut up.”

If something happened to Joel, you were pretty sure the world would stop. Nowadays, yours was so small to begin with. You couldn’t just forget about him. Pretend like none of this had ever happened. You couldn’t unfeel the way he touched you, or unhear his voice, or unsee his silhouette reflected in the constellations as he laid next to you at night. 

Joel’s face faltered. “Hey. Hey, shh, c’mere.” He pulled you into him, disregarding the sting as he held you in his arms. “I’m just worn out, sweetheart. It ain’t you, It’s me.”

You just nodded. Your breathing synced up with his, and for a second, everything didn’t feel so heavy.

“I’m sorry.” You said into the crook of his neck.

“Don’t say sorry.” He rubbed his wide hand up and down your back. “You’ll still finish fixin’ me up?”

And you did. Of course you did. You wrapped the gash up in 20 year old gauze, kissed his forehead and made him promise he’d get it checked out in the morning. You both knew he wouldn’t, but he smiled and promised you anyway.

Such was the way of your promises to each other. You couldn’t guarantee anything, but you could pretend. At least while you were in each other's arms. 

-

Joel could hear piano music pouring out from every edge and crack of your home when he came by to walk Ellie to dinner. It almost made him smile– there was a distinct shift between Ellie’s playing and your demonstration to her.

He listened for a while before finally knocking hard on the door. He heard Ellie shifting around, and then flinging the door open to greet him. “Hey, Joel, have you ever seen Star Wars? The music is super cool.” 

He could see the sheet music entitled ‘Princess Leia’s Theme’ resting on the stand. Something twisted in his heart, something mournful and nostalgic, and he had to push it back down before it started hurting.

“Thanks for the lesson! Can I come tomorrow, too? I’ll forget all that by next week,” Ellie said, turning to face you once her shoes and coat had been tugged on.

You smiled, leaning against the doorframe. “Sure, as long as Joel doesn’t mind me stealing you away again.”

Joel kept his eyes on Ellie. “It’s fine.”

Joel kept it curt with you, especially around her. You didn’t need to try to argue with his reasoning. A part of it hurt a little, if you were being honest. Your relationship was harmless. It would be even more harmless if the two of you weren’t sneaking around after dark like two teeagers. But you understood, as much as one could possibly understand Joel Miller. 

“Good. See you then.”

Ellie still noticed. While the two of them walked away from your house after a successful session, she posed the question to Joel. 

“Did something happen between you guys?” She kicked some snow up off the ground with the toe of her boot.

“No,” Joel replied. 

“Then why’d you barely say anything to each other?”

He gave her a look, one that would signal to any other person to fuck off and stop prying, but she ignored it. “Don’t have to. You got a problem with that?”

“Yeah. I mean, it just seems like… pretty weird that you didn’t even say bye.” She went silent for a moment, mulling something over. “Does this have to do with that time you didn’t get me from Tommy’s? Or when I couldn’t find you at the stables? Or when–”

“–Stop yourself right there, Ellie, I’ve already answered too fuckin’ many of your questions,” he interjected. 

That only made her grin. She laughed a little and smacked him in the shoulder. “Oh, man. Oh, this is good. You’re fucked. I totally know.”

“You don’t know anything,” and then, under his breath, “little shit.”

“Defensive and quiet? Fuckin’ hell, dude, you suck at this,” she said, laughing. “She’s too cool for you, man.”

Joel, trying his absolute best to fend off the smile at the corner of his lips, just shook his head.

“Shut up.”

-

[gg-pedro]

can you hear the music (ch. 1) - joel miller x reader

masterlist

even here, at the end of all things, some things persisted. one thing in particular, throughout all the places you had been. music.

summary: everyone in jackson is trying to distract themselves from something. you teach ellie piano and find yourself trying to help more than one miller settle into their new world.

warnings: post outbreak!joel, jackson!era, platonic!ellie x reader, implied age gap, joel x reader, AFAB!reader, they kiss lolz, smut to come, pining, feelings.

words: 1.8k

a/n: a little sweet, a little bitter, a little self indulgent. I'm planning on this being a series! I hope you enjoy. warning tags only apply to this chapter.

-

Two knocks. Three. More knocking, hushed squabbling from outside your door. You got up from your seat at the kitchen table, a piling mess of sheet music and scribbled notes.

Opening the door revealed your newest student, Ellie, looking very much like Joel was leading her to the gallows with that scowl on her face. 

“Can we just get this over with? I’m fucking hungry.” Ellie pushed past you, shrugging off her coat and kicking off her boots. 

“I’m sorry… ‘bout her. She likes doin’ this, I swear. Always comes back talking about it. Just give her some time to warm up to you.”

Joel had this particular look on his face whenever he talked about that little girl. His dark eyes would soften and he’d push a hand through his graying hair, his thoughts seeming like they were somewhere else entirely from his surroundings. The most he ever said to you was about Ellie. Everything you knew about Joel was from Ellie, naturally.

He was from Texas. He was fairly older than you– you didn’t have much experience from when it was before the end of the fucking world. He sounded tightly wound. He could play the guitar, and he’d taught Ellie a few things. Once, she’d said that he only liked piano music if Billy Joel was playing it, whoever that was. That made you laugh.

You gave him a thin smile, crossing your arms over your chest to ward off the draft that was blowing through the open door. “I know. She’s a great kid, I can tell she wants to learn. I think it helps her– you know, keeping busy.”

Joel met your eyes for the first time since the conversation had started, something painful and poignant seeping into his expression. 

“Yeah. I think so.” He was quiet for a few seconds before looking straight over you to grab Ellie’s attention. “I’ll be back in an hour. I’m down the street helpin’ Tommy with that old building. Be good,” he warned, before giving you a grateful nod and turning back. 

And that was your routine. Joel was usually short with you, a little quiet, a little shy. You thought he was a sweet man– and a painfully attractive one at that. All southern and rough, broad shouldered, puppy-dog eyed. He seemed like he would do anything to keep that girl safe. You were glad the community had someone like him.

You had started teaching Ellie a few weeks after they had settled into Jackson. It was mostly because of Maria’s recommendation, who you were fairly close with. Ellie had hated taking lessons from you more vehemently in the beginning, but the more you worked at it, the more comfortable you saw her get. 

“Come on, kid. This is good for your brain,” you would say, beckoning her to sit next to you on the piano bench. 

She scoffed, but yet she obliged. “This is dumb. I could be doing something useful. Like shooting guns.”

“Art is as important, Ellie. More important than shooting guns. For you, anyway."

Her fingers tapped gingerly on the keys and she played a scale they had learned the week before. “How would you know? You aren’t even old,” she countered. “How long have you been playing?”

You glanced over at the clock. You two were wasting time, but at least she was talking. “My whole life, give or take. I tried to hold onto it whenever I could. It was my favorite thing in the entire world.”

She nodded, seeming to understand. “That’s cool. I get why Joel likes you.”

You didn’t think Joel was someone who particularly liked you. He didn’t dislike you, clearly, but if he had given any hints, they had been falling on deaf ears. You tried your best to keep your expression neutral. “And why’s that?”

She giggled to herself as she flipped through the pages of her sheet music booklet. “‘Cause you’re both fucking weird.”

You laughed too, punching her gently in the arm. “Fair. Now stop stalling and play me whatever you remember.”

Life was special nowadays. More precious than it ever had been. You would have to cherish moments like these. Loss was all around, and loving always risked the hurt. You were really, really fucking tired of hurting. 

-

Walking back to your home, trudging through the snow, you were tired. Working in Jackson’s small clinic was easy enough, but it was draining. You saw to children mainly, bandaging up wounds and dosing out rations of antibiotics when needed. The kids liked you, the parents liked you, and that was rewarding, but plastering on a smile and a light-hearted tone all day sometimes felt like too fucking much. 

So naturally, you were ready to pick a fight when you felt a broad hand consume your shoulder. 

You turned around to match the disembodied hand to a face, only to see Joel Miller. He looked tired, more tired than you, and a little sad. 

“Sorry, I wasn’t tryin’ to scare you. I saw you, and I…” He paused, looking down at the two sets of footprints that had outlined both of your paths. “Ellie isn’t feeling well. I think it’s best she skips y’alls lesson tomorrow.”

She released the breath she'd been holding. For some reason, he had the tendency to precede the things he said as if he was about to tell you that the world was ending. Again.

“That’s fine, don’t worry about it. Is she alright?” 

“Yeah, she’s alright. This whole things a big fuckin’ adjustment, and I… I worry she’ll push herself too much if nobody stops her,” he explained. “She’s been with Maria all day. But yeah, she’ll be okay.”

Ah. He was worried about her. It seemed like he was always worrying about her. “I understand. Can’t imagine what it must be like for her. And you.”

She’ll push herself if nobody stops her. Who stopped Joel? Who looked out for him? His brother, surely, but was it like that? Did those two, hardened and stretched thin, have the time to be concerned about things like that? How long had he just been… going?

You reached a hand out to touch his upper arm, rubbing it a little before pulling away. “You’re a good man, Joel. I really think that, and I hope you know it.”

He laughed a little at that. “I haven't done any good, trust me on that.”

You dropped your gaze and looked away. You knew that everyone here, without a shadow of a doubt, had done things they weren’t proud of. Things they never would’ve done if not at the end of the world.

You were maybe 20 steps from your front door, standing out in the Wyoming cold with him. You tried to meet his eyes before speaking again, but he wouldn’t face you. 

“Come in. Please, I insist. Warm up, I just traded for coffee.”

He looked like he was fighting with himself for a few seconds, raising his head and looking off to the side. “Yeah, alright. Why not.”

-

Joel Miller was sitting in your living room, sipping from a mug so carefully that you’d think he was afraid he’d break it. The fire was lit and casting warm shadows across the dim room. It was endearing. You hadn’t felt like this in a lifetime. 

“I couldn’t do it. What you do. Dealing with all those kids,” he said after a long lapse of quiet.

You shrugged, sipping on your own cup. “I love it. I never thought I’d have the chance to play music again, much less teach. It’s not perfect, but it's something,” you said. “Ellie tells me you play guitar.”

Joel rolled his eyes and finally sunk back into his chair instead of hunching over. He groaned a little as he did it, as if he stored all of his tension in his back. “Yeah, used to. I ain’t good at it anymore.”

“But you used to be?” You pried.

He finally looked at you, his eyes infinitely more dark in this light. “Maybe. Don’t think I’d be able to forget how to play even if I tried, so might as well put it to some use.”

You smiled. “I know. Funny how things stick with you. Muscle memory.”

He nodded. “Somethin’ like that.”

And it was true. There were lots of things neither of you would forget how to do, no matter how much time had lapsed in between the before and the now. And sure, most of what you had learned happened after the world had ended, but that was irrelevant. The most important things had always been there. You’d known how to love for your entire life.

His eyes wandered over to the old upright piano situated on the wall in the living room. “Is she any good on that thing?” He asked.

You thought about Ellie, who would curse everytime she slipped on a scale, who would argue fervently about how that squiggly shit on the sheet music could possibly mean anything, who learned faster than any of your other kids.

“She is. She’s impressive. She picked up Old McDonald Had a Farm like that.” You grinned, snapping your fingers for effect. 

He smiled thinly, his mind clearly somewhere else. “Explains why she won’t stop humming that shit. Thanks for that, by the way.”

“My pleasure, Joel.” You laughed. “You finished with that?” You gestured to his empty mug.

“Yeah. Hey, I’ll help you.”

You were elbow to elbow with each other at the sink, cleaning out the liquid and the scattered coffee grounds from the bottoms of your respective cups. Joel took yours and placed it on the drying rack, wiping his hands off with the towel you passed to him.

You leaned back against the island as he turned his back to the sink. He was so tall, so rugged, so handsome. His age only added to it. He had a softness around his eyes now, his features slightly obscured by the absence of much light.

“Should probably take off… Thank you. For the drink,” Joel began.

“Don’t thank me, I’d do it anytime. Tell Ellie that I hope she’s feeling better soon.”

He nodded, and he swallowed. He wasn’t making any moves to leave, save for his eyes on the door. They flicked back to you, watching you, scanning you up and down until he finally said, 

“You’re gonna kill me, sweetheart, lookin’ at me like that.”

You weren’t really sure of how it all happened, but in an instant your bodies were pressed together with your lower back digging into the dull edge of the island counter, Joel’s lips pressed to yours like he was seeking oxygen.

His free hand felt up your body, and your skin was on fire. A match thrown onto a pool of gasoline. Everything was electric. He kissed you like he’d learned it in another life, back when love was free, when forever was a tangible thing, when strings weren’t attached. You felt it all on your lips and tongue, in the bonfire that was being fanned in your abdomen.

When he stepped back, you pulled him in for more. The opposite reaction to the Earth pulling down on you is you pulling the Earth back up. You tangled your hands in his soft hair, and his dug into the fabric of your jeans on your hips.

You both came up for air after a while, having migrated to the entrance of the kitchen. He had you backed up against the beam of the open doorway, tucking both sides of your hair behind you ear to see your face.

"Shouldn't be doing this," he mumbled, nipping at the warm skin on your neck.

"Maybe not," you conceded. I didn't mean you couldn't want it– what he could give you. You'd all done wrong things. "You could still stay."

"Yeah," he responded, pressing his body against yours and sweeping a hand over to cradle your lower back. "Still could."

Maybe it wasn't a lie. Maybe that glassy, far off look wouldn't be permanent. It could be like this. You could have a reason.

And yeah, maybe Joel knew more than he let on. Some things never really left him.

-

[gg-pedro]

can you hear the music (ch. 3) - joel miller x reader

masterlist

summary: everyone in jackson is trying to distract themselves from something. you teach ellie piano and find yourself trying to help more than one miller settle into their new world.

chapter 3: today, it would be sarah's 34th birthday. but today, tomorrow, and every other day, joel needs you.

warnings: post outbreak!joel, jackson!era, joel x reader, AFAB!reader, platonic!ellie x reader, implied age gap, smoochin', gropin', mentions of death, joel grieves, joel sings, arguing/fighting (kinda), mental health discussions, lewdness, angst, heavy feelings (and there's more where that come from!)

words: 3.4k

a/n: man. can u tell I rewatched episode 1? i’m proud of this one. also, I hope this reaches my fleetwood mac lovers.

-

Joel, while in the middle of hauling a bag of horse feed over his good shoulder (and ‘good’ was being generous), realized he was getting old. This was the tenth revelation of the day, give or take. From when he forced himself out of bed onto aching joints, to when he hadn’t heard Ellie come up behind him in the kitchen, and most notably, to when he realized Sarah’s 34th birthday would’ve been today. 

It didn’t sting anymore. Not after this long, not after 20 years. It didn’t even hurt. 

It just ached. 

He sloughed the feed into the trough, stepping back to catch his breath. He glided his hand over the pretty little mare that he usually took out. She seemed too small to not be a pony, but hey, equine standards had flown out the window 20 years ago along with everything else. 

Tommy knew, too. He never forgot. Maybe that's why he patted Joel on the back at breakfast that morning and told him to go ‘take a ride’. Clear his head. They still had work to do today. The Earth never stopped spinning. Joel thought that by now, it should’ve.

To be fair, the date could’ve been a little off, but the air was that same lukewarm cold and the sun shone blinding in a clear blue sky the same way it did on the day Sarah was born. Winter was melting into a tepid spring in Wyoming, and Joel was still here to fucking see it.

For a second he wondered if his vision was going, too, having to do a double-take when he noticed you leaning against the wooden beam of the stall entrance.

“Jesus,” he mumbled. “Y’ever heard of knocking?”

You rolled your eyes. “Must’ve missed the door.”

“How’d you find me?” He asked, finally turning to really look at you. Irritatingly beautiful.

“Ellie,” you answered. “Said you were going for a joy ride.”

He sighed, coming over to wrap his arms just below the dip of your spine. “Kid couldn’t keep a secret if her fuckin’ life depended on it,” he grumbled, pausing afterwards to give you a slow kiss.

“I like the honesty. She’s got nothing to hide, especially if it has anything to do with you.” You grinned and fell right into his little ploy. 

“Mmh. Lucky me.”

He had you backed against the wooden railing in an instant, his hand creeping up below your shirt and onto the soft skin of your waist. The touch raised goosebumps all over your body. You placed two hands on either side of his neck, gently, enjoying the way he was feeling you up with his lips glued to yours.

“Now? Right here?” You asked once you had the chance to break away from his mouth. “A little risky, Miller. Don’t forget, I’m still your worst kept secret,” you chided.

“No, not right here. And fuck you.” He pulled away until all but one hand was still stroking your side through your shirt.

“Likewise.”

And Joel loved you. Maybe not in the same way he loved Tommy or Ellie or Sarah, but still, he did. He loved your smart mouth, the way you blazed like a fire in bed with him, your natural talent, the way you made it all ache less. 

And you did– make it ache less. That was reason enough. 

He gestured to the horse that was a few feet away, still eating its breakfast. “You wanna join?”

“Can’t say no,” you said. “What’s the occasion? I thought they were strict about leaving for non-essential reasons.”

Joel was looking at you until he wasn’t, his gaze going right through you. He could tell you. He knew he could. You knew about his daughter and you still never brought it up. You’d lost people too, he knew that. He could tell you and you would bring him into your arms and say something like, I’m so sorry, Joel. I’m here. I’m here if you need me. 

He would tell you. But not today.

He shrugged and pressed a kiss into your hairline. “Just another day. I want you to come.”

“Alright, then.” You nodded towards the guitar sitting in the corner of the stall. Dark stained wood around the edges fading into a lighter mahogany. It was beautiful. “Bringing that, too?”

“Yeah, why not. Here, let me help.” He grabbed it and lifted it over your head, situating it so that the body of the guitar was resting against your back. “You ever played?”

You shook your head. “No. Good thing you do.”

He brought the horse out into the open, making sure he still had everything important– a gun in his pocket and a broken watch on his wrist. He helped you up onto the saddle, sitting behind him and flush with his back. 

Outside the walls, It was a beautiful day. The sun had melted away the heavy snow on the peaks of the rolling hills, the first kiss of spring. New life, grass that had started to green. You had your arms wrapped tightly around Joel’s middle, face pressed against the back of his shoulder. The fields seemed boundless. You hadn’t realized just how infinitesimally small your world had grown since being in Jackson. 

“Are there usually infected around here?” You asked. 

“Not really. The valley helps. We’ll stay out in the open, don’t worry, baby.”

You didn’t even have to ask. The little tour he was giving you around the east end of the fields was mostly an effort to case the surrounding area, his senses on high alert for anything dangerous. The truth was, this place was secure. Still, Joel would move mountains to keep you safe. Would do anything. He’d made mistakes in the past that he wouldn’t let happen again. Couldn’t.

After a loop around the outer wall, riding with a mixture of the horse's friendly canter and Joel intentionally speeding her up to scare the shit out of you and make you hold on tighter to him, he settled on a plateau at the top of a hill, a few steps away from the thick evergreen forest.

After helping you off the mare and spreading out the woven blanket he had rolled up on the back of the saddle, Joel sat down with a heavy sigh. You tied the lead to a low tree branch where the horse seemed content to roam. After, you pulled the guitar over your head and handed it to him.

It was still early in the day, and the sun was barely cresting over the hilltops from this view. 10:42 AM. That’s when his daughter was born. He looked down at the broken face of his watch out of habit, even though the thing had been broken for years at this point. 

You dropped down next to him and your head immediately connected with his shoulder. Looking over at him, his eyes were far away and glassy. “What’re you thinking about?”

Joel shook his head and pressed a slow kiss into your forehead. “Nothin’. Just wondering what I should play.” He brought the guitar into his lap and strummed it a little, pausing to tune the top string down half a step. “Feel like I gotta impress you.”

You huffed a laugh and shook your head. “You don’t have to. Who’d you used to listen to?”

“Oh, Jesus…” he had sort of let go of the fond memories he had of old music. With you, though, he was starting to miss it. “Some Zeppelin, some Billy Joel, Pearl Jam… Nirvana was just gettin’ good, too. Lots of Chet Atkins when I was younger.”

You just smiled, moving your hand to stroke his knee. “None of that surprises me.”

“You like Fleetwood Mac?” he asked after a while. “Stevie Nicks, always one of my favorites. My daughter’s, too.”

Your heart hurt a little at that. Joel had never brought up the daughter he’d lost with you. You kissed his shoulder as he started picking the strings to the tune of Landslide, that gentle back and forth that you hadn’t heard in more than 20 years. 

“That's a good one, baby.”

You still remembered the lyrics. He did, too. 

I took my love, I took it down

I climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills,

‘Til the landslide brought me down

Joel’s playing wasn’t perfect. He’d picked the guitar up again a few times in the last couple weeks, but before that, it had been a lifetime ago. On that radio station in Austin, The Best Of The ‘70’s, this one would come on all the time. Sarah would grin and sing her best rendition, as loudly as possible, always egging Joel on to join in too. Sometimes he would, but not always. He regretted that. 

He thought your voice was beautiful. Clear and bright. His voice was probably an octave below yours, gravelly and out of practice. The two of you mixed together like honey into whiskey. 

Oh, mirror in the sky,

What is love?

Can the child in my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

He would’ve liked to scoff at that. There's nothing to do but handle it. Push forward and deal. He didn’t die on September 26th, 2003, despite his best efforts and no matter how much he wanted to. He was here with you. Singing with you, laughing through the verses, watching the sun light up your eyes. And for that? A part of him had to consider himself a lucky son of a bitch.

He couldn’t stop himself from wanting to make a life with you. The extent to which he could see that to fruition, he wasn’t sure. Everything was uncertain. He didn’t even deserve it. Nothing he had done over the past 20 years was worthy of you. But fuck, he could be good. If he tried, maybe, he could be good for you. And trying? It’d be worth it. 

Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’

‘Cause I’ve built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Even children get older

And I’m getting older, too

Joel had to stop singing. Tears were swelling in his dark brown eyes and one wrong move would break the entire dam of emotions. He kept playing, though, into the second chorus, happy to listen to you.

Well, I’ve been afraid of–

“Joel?”

You turned away from the landscape to look at his face. Tears were streaking his cheeks, his eyes staring straight ahead of him. You didn’t say anything– you took the guitar out of his arms and brought him into yours instead. You rubbed slow circles into his flannel-clad back, holding him tight as his shoulders sagged and shuddered with every shaky inhalation. 

“I’m sorry, baby, I’m sorry," he managed to say.

“It’s okay, Joel. You’re okay. It’s just me, you know I don’t mind. I got you, come on, just get it out.”

You had your own guesses as to what was getting to him so bad. You told yourself a long time ago that you wouldn’t pry. He wouldn’t tell you like that, anyway. He had to do it himself. 

After a few pregnant moments passed with the two of you like that, his breathing finally evened out enough for him to speak clearly. He pulled away from you, taking your face into his hands so you couldn’t look away. His eyes were reddened and puffy, his cheeks wet.

“I ain’t gonna let nothin’ happen to you. D’you understand that? Nothin’. I’m gonna take care of you. Keep you safe. Keep you happy.” He tucked your hair behind your ears before gliding his thumbs over the skin just below your eye. “I will. You just gotta let me.”

You gently pried his hands away from your face, taking them into your own and pressing a kiss into his knuckles. “Okay, baby. I’ll let you. I’ll let you,” you repeated. “I’m safe with you, I know.”

He pulled you in suddenly, practically squeezing all of the air out of your lungs with the grip he had on you. “I promise you. I promise.”

He promised you, and you believed him. 

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills,

Well, the landslide bring it down

Oh, the landslide bring it down

-

At your lesson with Ellie, she seemed more motivated than you did. Sooner or later, she was going to exhaust the entire Star Wars: A Beginner’s Score sheet music book that you had found a few years back. 

After successfully sight reading the first few bars of The Imperial March and promptly declaring that she had had enough ‘piano-ing’ for the day, Ellie gave you a look.

You furrowed your brows. “What?”

“Nothin’,” she said flippantly, looking away from you. “Just– are you and Joel, like, together?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

Ellie turned, looking exasperated. “Pft. You know exactly what I mean.”

You rolled your eyes and jokingly shoved her away from you by the forehead. “We’re getting married next week, actually,” you said, laughing. “Mhm, we’re running away with each other. Gonna buy a big white house with a big picket fence down south– you know, to keep you out.”

“Oh, fuck you, dude.” She giggled too, punching your shoulder in return hard enough to push you down the piano bench. “I have a right to know! And besides, I don’t have anyone to tell. I can keep a secret.”

“I disagree, but– if you memorize your F# minor scale by Tuesday, I’ll tell you all about it. Has to be perfect, though,” you qualified.

“Fine,” she said with stubborn resolve. “And… there's one more thing.” Her eyes cast downwards and her shoulders drooped a little as she gave a long exhale.

“What is it?”

She looked back up at you through her dark lashes. “Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?”

“The– the who?”

With a completely straight face, she said, “Yeah. He’s lucky it was a soft drink.”

Ellie’s laughter could barely be heard over your exaggerated groaning. You had your head dropped into your hands and Ellie in tears when Joel walked in through the front door.

Ellie, sighing and wiping her eyes, said: “I told her the ol’ soda-can-to-the-head one. Pretty good, right?”

“Jesus…” you heard Joel mutter.

Shiny-eyed and smiling, you pointed to the door. “Out of my house. Both of you. And don’t bother coming back.”

Ellie grabbed her coat and was out the door before Joel could even open his mouth. “See you Tuesday!”

“Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!”

-

Later that day, in the hot and unusually busy Tipsy Bison, Joel was too drunk.

It was the perfect conclusion to the most bittersweet day he’d had in a while. Had the morning with you, finished up a roofing project just after dinner, and against his better judgment, asked if you wanted drinks. You arrived as a pair, undoubtedly eliciting new whisperings from your fellow Jackson residents, but Joel was starting not to care.

You’d mentioned going out together in passing to him after he had told you about the bar scene when he was younger, commenting on how you wished you’d gotten to experience that. And yeah, maybe this felt more like playing pretend to him than anything, but he wanted to give you good days. Good memories. A real life, where you could experience things with him and not have to worry about how long the happiness would last.

Tonight, it backfired. A year ago today, he would’ve been mixing whiskey and oxycodone to forget it was Sarah’s birthday. But now, he was too drunk with Tommy, and you were watching all of it, and he wished he still had a handful of pills to knock him out. 

“She your girlfriend now, brother?” Tommy slurred, clapping him on the shoulder. 

Joel grabbed you roughly by the waist from his seat at the bar, tucking you in close to him. “Yeah, she’s my girl,” he cooed. “Ain’t that right, pretty baby?”

Tommy chuckled, slamming his glass down onto the counter. “Same way Tessa was your girl? Or different this time?”

Joel wanted to be sick. “The fuck’s wrong with you, asshole?”

You, a little tipsy yourself by this point, smoothed a hand over Joel’s curls in an effort to de-escalate this conversation. “Joel, hey. He’s your brother. Don’t start a fight.”

Tommy shook his head and patted you on the arm. “It’s okay, baby, let him speak.”

Drunkenly, Joel stood up, pointing an accusatory finger at his brother. “If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be saddled with all this shit,” he started. “Always chasin’ your sorry ass. Halfway across the fuckin’ country this time. If it weren’t for you, Tess’d be here.”

This was an old argument, but they were drunk, and it seemed like the perfect time to rehash it. 

Tommy stood up to meet his eyes. “Oh yeah? Really? If it weren’t for me, Joel, you’da had a bullet in your head by now. Oh, y’haven't told her? Your girl? Go on, tell her. Tell her all about Sarah. Happy fuckin’ birthday to her.”

“Keep her name out your motherfuckin’ mouth, you– bastard–”

You had your arm interlinked with Joel’s, but he flung you off of him in an instant. He swung at Tommy, but his aim was a little diluted from the gin and Tommy ducked anyway. He only got one attempt in before five different people were pulling them away from each other to opposite ends of the bar.

You followed Joel, thanking the two men who were restraining him as he shouted strings of profanities and nobody, assuring them that you could take it from here. 

“Joel, you gotta calm down. Hey. Hey, Miller, I’m fucking talking to you.” You grabbed his face in your hands and forced him to look at you. “Take a breath. Just take a breath.”

He did as he was told, but his eyes were still darting rapidly around the room. “Tommy…” he breathed out. “Fuck. I didn’t mean to, I swear. Did I hurt him? I hurt him, didn’t I?”

“No, baby. You– uh, you missed.”

“Ah,  fuck.”

Maybe narcotics wouldn’t have fixed this, either.

Joel let you drag him back to your place without putting up much of a fight. Sarah. She would’ve been ashamed of him. There was a mounting list of things that Sarah would’ve hated him for, and this was just the icing on the cake.

Back on your couch, lying on his back, he wanted today to be over. 

“I was s’pposed to be doin’ good for you,” he said quietly. “Bein’ better for you.”

“What are you talking about?” You asked, your voice straining with the force it took to tug off his left boot.

“I’m no good for you.”

“Joel–”

“I ain’t, babydoll. I ain’t. Not for you, not for Ellie, not for Tommy, not for Tessa, and not for Sarah,” he mumbled. “It’s her birthday.”

“I know.”

“I miss her,” he swallowed. “Real bad.”

“I know, Joel.”

There was a lump in his throat and a tightness in his chest. Landslide was still stuck in his head.

… saw my reflection… snow covered hills …

He shut his eyes. “Is Ellie alright?”

“Mhm. She’s asleep down the street,” you said, tracing lazy shapes into his stomach.

“She’s a good kid,” he mumbled. “Tough kid.”

“She is,” you agreed. “She relies on you– cares about you. Lots of people care about you.”

… time makes y’bolder, children get… older …

Joel hummed in response. “I still need you.”

… I’m gettin’ older, too … 

You bit your lip. You should really get back up, make sure Joel had a glass of water and painkillers near him for when he woke up. Maybe even a bowl from the kitchen. But your body felt like it was being weighed down by lead, and the infrequency at which you actually drank alcohol was making you unfathomably tired.

You laid down on top of him, head pressed against his chest. His breathing was slow and even and his heart rate was calm. 

“I need you, too.”

-

[romanarose]

About a Girl Masterlist

Beautiful header by my beloved @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog

Joel Miller x Trans!Fem!Reader (Nickname, Blue)

Summary: Joel is a simple man. He goes to work, he takes care of his kindergarten age daughter, he tries to make sure Tommy doesn't die and occasionally Tess comes over. He works on Frank and Bill's farm with Tommy, Tess, and another coworker, Max. For his birthday, Tommy drags Joel out to a local grunge band's show, music he knows Joel hates. Joel is surprised to find Tess's girlfriends best friend, a girl they all call Blue because of the blue in her hair, has caught his attention.

What he doesn't know is she is trans. When he finds out, he's very confused, not because he judges her, but because he's not sure what it means for him. Does it make him gay? What does trans even mean? He's very confused. Still, despite all the confusion Joel has an open mind and he just knows that he has a lot of feelings for you and he wants to try. Joel goes on a journey of learning, not only what your trans identity means but also how to take care of himself, how to set boundaries, and learning he doesn't need carry the whole world on his shoulders.

Joel loves country, is as yeehaw as they come. Blue loves grunge, and looking as edgy as she can get by as a school teacher. Can you and Joel make it all work with the one thing that bonds them both together; flannel?

Warnings for whole fic, not chapter by chapter: 18+ ONLY!! I cannot warn against everything, but these are major themes. Joel is a lil ignorant but not out of hate. He just doesn't know. He's trying his best. There will be smut. Penetrative sex, all of the anal play, oral. There will be transphobia from other people. Addiction and alcoholism. QUICK child neglect not by Joel but I promise, Sarah is fine and is having a great time in life. Fetishization of women attracted to women by a shitty guy. Will update as needed. Again, this is adult content. Expect adult content.

Immersivity: Reader is transgender, AMAB female, reader has had gotten bottom surgery, not top, and is on hormones. reader has visible hair and a blue streak in hair, but not described. Could be braids, could be natural hair, whatever. Header is for aesthetics only. Reader is about Joel and Tommy's height. Let me know if i miss anything!

Themes: Found family, Tommy shitheadery (I love him), bi Aunt Tess, Joel recovering from emotional abuse, tired Joel trying to take care of everyone, grunge v country, lots of flannel, y'allternative (blending Joel's country life and reader's grunge life), Sarah Ellie friendship, Bill and Frank as the elder gays, Joel knows nothing about queerness and transness but by golly's he's trying, single dad Joel, good uncle Tommy, good uncle but also not very responsible and maybe has an addiction problem Tommy? lets find out!

Chapter 1: Joel is tired. Chapter 2: You help Joel relax Chapter 3: Blue comes out Chapter 4: Joel tries his best to stay open Chapter 5: Blue and Joel make it official Chapter 6: Blue gets to bond with Sarah Chapter 7: Blue meets Kayla and Joel is honest. Chapter 8: Joel is there for Blue, always. Chapter 9: blue sets up her future with Joel Chapter 10: Happy endings

Made for Oscar Isaac/Pedro Pascal Pride Event

How to keep up with the series:

Follow About a girl series on tumblr

follow @romana-updates and turn on notifications

Ask to be tagged!

[romanarose]

About a Girl: Epilogue

Beautiful header by my beloved @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog

Joel Miller x Trans!Fem!Reader (Nickname, Blue)

Series Masterlist : The Last of Us Masterlist : Full Masterlist

Summary: Blue sets up her future in Joel's life, step by step by step

Warnings for whole fic, not chapter by chapter: 18+ ONLY!! I cannot warn against everything, but these are major themes. Joel is a lil ignorant but not out of hate. He just doesn't know. He's trying his best. There will be smut. Penetrative sex, all of the anal play, oral. There will be transphobia from other people. Addiction and alcoholism. QUICK child neglect not by Joel but I promise, Sarah is fine and is having a great time in life. Fetishization of women attracted to women by a shitty guy. Will update as needed. Again, this is adult content. Expect adult content.

Immersivity: Reader is transgender, AMAB female, reader has had gotten bottom surgery, not top, and is on hormones. reader has visible hair and a blue streak in hair, but not described. Could be braids, could be natural hair, whatever. Header is for aesthetics only. Reader is about Joel and Tommy's height. Let me know if i miss anything!

TAGS HAVE BEEN SHITTY make sure you're caught up!!

TRANS LIVES MATTER! TRANS YOUTH MATTER! TRANS ELDERLY MATTER! TRANS WOMEN MATTER! TRANS MEN MATTER! NON BINARY TRANS MATTER!

9 years later.

Life was good. Really fucking good.

You had two teenagers which was… fucking insane, honestly. Sarah and Ellie were close as two almost-twins could get, and often fought like it too. Nothing nasty or mean spirited, just so clearly sister stuff like Ellie using Sarah’s deodorant or Sarah taking Ellie’s coat. They’d fight and yell and Joel would tell them to knock it off before they stormed off. An hour later Ellie would say hey, the bachelor is on, wanna watch? Or Sarah would throw hot cheettos at Ellie and they’d be back to normal.

Tommy had been mostly sober for 5 years, his longest stretch yet. It was looking up, even after a few close calls. There had been a night or two Tommy had called Joel, close to relapse, but being the good brother he was Joel was always there. After a few years at his own apartment, Tommy had suffered a pretty bad near-relapse on hard drugs. He broke his 3 years sobriety on alcohol and called Joel one night crying while he was watching The Late Late Show, Sarah and Ellie up past their bedtimes one summer. 

“Tommy? What’s going on, man?” Joel stands up from the couch, already moving to get his shows as Ellie mutes Craig Furegson. Everyone is quiet as Joel listens. “I’ll be right there, man, don’t worry. Nah, it ain’t a problem at all, Tommy, Blue’s here with the girls.”

Joel stayed with a drunk Tommy all night, holding him, putting on shows, ordering pizza, playing card games, anything it took to keep Tommy from calling up his old dealer.

In the morning, Joel brought him home to sleep. It was the summer, so you were off and could watch Tommy while Joel went to work, Tommy using a sick day at the farm and Joel and Tess hustling extra hard to make up for it. It didn’t matter, because it was Tommy, and they’d do anything for him.

When he put Tommy asleep on the couch, Ellie and Sarah asked to talk to you and Blue, pulling you into Ellie’s room.

Ellie steepled her hands, looking like an evil villain in a made-for-tv-movie. “We have a proposition for you.”

“You’re not getting your nose pierced-”

“Joel.” You chastise.

“Sorry El, what is it.”

Ellie looks to Sarah, urging her on.

“We think uncle Tommy should move in with us again. We love him, and it worries us that he’s had to call you so much recently.”

You can see Joel close his eyes, the wrinkles around his face compounding. He was getting older, as were you, and you loved every single wrinkles and gray and pop of his knees. You speak before he does, knowing your husband is tired.

“I’m sorry, girls. We never wanted Tommy’s issues to effect you.”

Sarah: “We knew there were problems, even when we were young. It’s hard not to notice, you couldn’t have hid that unless he was never around, and we wouldn’t have wanted that.”

“Besides, mom.” Ellie adds. “We’re teenagers now. 13 and 14 are practically adults!”

Joel shakes his head. “Ain’t right to be worry’n about that at your age.”

“Well, you don’t need to worry about every single thing all the time, and yet you do anyway, so it’s even!”

You crack a smile, Ellie, despite no blood relation at all, had taken after you, while Sarah reminded you a lot like her godmother, Talia, mixed with some of her dad. Ellie was agreat kid, even as she entered her teens, she remained steadfast. There was a… slight issue with her getting in fights in school, but when they talked to the principal, there was always a reason you thought made sense, even if the school was displeased. Once, some girl called Sarah a slur. Another time, a boy was bullying a disabled kid. They found out Ellie was gay after the incident where she punched a kid for pushing a boys head in a toilet for being gay.

By this point, coming out wasn’t a nerve wracking thing in your family for Ellie. You and Joel had made it very clear that they had nothing to worry about, and that much was obvious by the people in the girls' lives; Bill and Frank still employed Tommy Tess and Joel and had an active part in the girls' lives even though they could stay home during harvest now. Talia and Tess were their beloved aunts. Sarah was very close to Talia, bonding over hours of doing hair. Ellie and Tess clicked right now, both tomboys, but both girls loved both aunts. 

And of course there was Tommy. When Tommy came out, it began a long struggle of keeping him out of the closet. He switched from gay, bisexual, then insisting he was straight over and over again whenever he went through some identity crisis, or when he reconnected with military friends, or he heard of some hate crime. No girlfriend, no boyfriend, just a cycle of hook ups to keep him distracted.

The girls loved their uncle, Sarah in particular was attached at the hip to him, and it hurt her when he was hurting. You and Joel had tried to protect her, but she was an intuitive girl.

And then, there was you. You had wanted to wait until the girls were a little older to explain things to them, but they went to school in the same district you had taught in. a friend of Sarah’s suddenly wasn’t allowed to play at your home anymore, and soon a rumor went around school that you were born a man. Sarah came home crying one day when she was 12, and you didn’t want to lie to her. You and Joel sat Ellie and her down and explained it to them as best you could for their age. There weren't any handbooks for this sort of thing. 

There was a moment, a brief moment of worry in your head. The echo of Kayla’s voice telling you Sarah wouldn’t love you when she found out. But Kayla didn’t know Sarah. She’d probably seen Sarah three time since the day you confronted her for hurting Joel, and then disappeared. The only time you heard from her after that was when she sent back the papers, signed, relinquishing her parental rights so you could adopt Sarah. She enclosed a $50 check, and although Joel had told her that she could still see Sarah as long as Sarah agreed, you haven't heard from her since. 

At ages 11 for Ellie and 10 for Sarah, you held your daughters in the courthouse as they were legally adopted.

Now, you stood in the upstairs of the home you shared with your daughters and your husband as they showed you just the kind of young ladies they’d grown into.

Joel shook his head. “Thank you, girls, but we ain’t got room here. He’ll stay on the couch for a few days, but I don’t think he’d wanna stay there for more than that.”

After a bad night, Tommy stayed for a little bit. Joel said couch, but sometimes you took the couch so Tommy could sleep in the bed with Joel if he really was in a bad way. You loved Tommy like a brother, you and him getting close in the nearly year you both lived with Tess and Talia. 

Sarah and Ellie looked at each other, and Sarah spoke. “We decided we’d combine our rooms. Ellie will come sleep with me, and Uncle Tommy could have his old room back.”

You immediately felt your eyes watering, realizing how good your children had become, how much like their father they’d grown into. This is Joel’s call. “Girls, no, I don’t want y’all making these sacrifices-”

“Uncle Tommy raised me. And, no offense, but he’s my favorite person.” She said with a smile. “We want to.” And Ellie agreed.

Joel was still declining, but wavering. “I- thats very nice but if he were to move it, we’d have to commit to a year, maybe two, I don’t know…”

Ellie spoke now. “We think it would be best if he stayed for a while. We’re prepared to commit to this through high school. We wanna do this dad.” Her sincerity struck you, a young woman grown up right before your eyes. 

You turn to Joel.  “Baby… I think it might be a good idea…” When you turn to look at your husband, he has a tear rolling down his face and his chest breathing heavily. 

“Babygirls.” Joel’s voice warbled. “I love you, so much.”

When Tommy was sober and the worst of his hangove was done, you spoke to him.

2 months later he was moved into Ellie’s old room where he’s been the last year.

*

It’d been a year since that morning, and things were better than ever.

Tommy was sober, the girls were happy, you and Joel were happy, and everyone had driven out to Austin to celebrate Ellie’s first pride.

“Whatya think, kiddo?” Frank asked, clapping her back softly with his hand.

Ellie smiled widely, taking in everything around her.  “Pretty fucking cool!”

“Language.” Her dad chastised, earning a nudge from you. He continued. “Don’t be wonder’n off girls, it ain’t safe-”

You decide to tease him, being the only none LGBT person here, other than Sarah, although at 13 there was no reason she needed to commit either way. 

“Oh, so because almost everyone here is gay, it’s inherently more dangerous? Okay Joel.”

But Joel was not to be fooled when you’ve been playing this game for ten years. “Nice try baby…” He paused for a moment before adding, “You know it’s because the city makes me nervous, right? Not because-”

“I know, Joely” You pinch his butt, making Tess behind you gag, as if she hadn’t gotten a grab of a few Miller buttcheeks back before getting married. Well, legally recognized in the State of Massachutis, and not in the other 49.

“What about him?” Ellie asks loudly, pointing to a guy and nudging her uncle. “He looks like he could teach you better spanish.”

Tommy flicked her. “Don’t fuck’n point, shit head.” He ignored Joel’s tired reminder for language. Tommy is where she picked up the habit. “And just because he’s got brown skin doesn’t mean he speaks spanish.”

Ellie looked to Sarah. Sarah’s eyes said no. Ellie’s impulse control said yes. “Hey! You!” Ellie shouts to the man while everyone around her tries to stop her. Poor guy was just trying to get a hot dog.

“Hey?” He looked confused but not unkind as she walked fearlessly too him. He was a little taller than her dad, not by much, dark curls sticking to his head with sweat. It wasn’t even noon yet, but June in Austen could kill. 

Joel is calling Ellie’s name, pulling on her arm but she turns to him, looking up. “Let me do this or I will start screaming stranger danger.” Joel let go, but facepalmed, staying right next to her none the less. “You speak spanish?” She asked the man, thumbing towards Tommy. “My unce here is looking to brush up.” Double Miller facepalm.

“Uhhhhh, no, but I can get by in Hindi.” He looked to Tommy with a grin. “I can impress some desi MILFs, if that’s your goal.”

Tommy swooped in slinging Ellie over his shoulder as she shouted ‘hey!’ and began backing away. “Don’t listen to her, she’s- I swear we’re not racist- I told her not to assume- listen, she knows like, no white people- I’m Mexican!” He nervous rambled, Ellie over his shoulder telling him he’s floundering.

The man just laughed. “Hey, it’s alright, man. Don’t worry about it.”

Tommy mouthed ‘I’m sorry’ and turned around. Now facing the stranger, Ellie frantically motioned toward Tommy to him, pointing and drawing hearts in the air.

*

After running into him and embarrassing Tommy a few more times, Ellie and Sarah got his business card. Jake and Tommy have talked every day since.

That night, the girls sound asleep in their room, Tommy on the phone with Jake, you keep your hand wrapped tight around your husband's cock. You were tired, not wanting to get up to any antics but you definitely wanted to make your husband cum. He deserved an orgasm for dealing with crowds of strange people in a big city, constantly alert for his daughters, Tommy, Tess, Talia, you, and even Frank. Him and Bill were the same in that aspect, always keeping an eye on theirs, protecting the good people in this world. You suspected Bill was getting the same treatment on the farm right now. Well, almost. Bill didn’t strike you as the type to put up with edging.

“There you go baby, there you go… so close, so close… ah! Not yet!” You squeeze at the base of Joel’s cock, staving off his orgasm a third time. Oh, you were a tease.

“Blue, come ooooon!” He whines, fingers gripping the sheets so hard one corner was already pulled off the bed. “This ain’t fair.”

You begin to stroke him again, his hard and thick cock not allowing for you fingers to close around it, thick and juicy and oh-so mouth watering. 

“Ooooh poor baby boy. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’ll stop.” You lied

“You always- ooohhh shit” Joel moans out for you, you love seeing your big tough man reduced to a whimpering puddle just from a little bit of edging. “You always say that, Blue”

Still, you laugh, your hand moving up and down on his cock as Joel begin to buck his hips into your fist. Silly boy, he thinks if he can reach his high faster, you’ll let him have it. “I know, I’m a meany meany.” You pinch his orgasm off again, giggling when he whispers a harsh-

“Fuck!” 

“Aht, aht, aht!” You continue to tease, spitting on his already over stimulated cock before playing with him more. “Language!” You reference his police of Ellie and Tommy.

Joel flops his head on the pillow. Your little pillow princess. “Oh I see. Y-your-” His words are cut off hummed whimper, his cute little feet wiggling. “You're punishing me for being annoying today?” He chuckles a little, knowing it’s all in fun.

You kiss his forehead. “Not one bit, baby. You’re my perfect man, and I want you to come. Go ahead Joel, come for me.” You pump him as the love of your life groans, covering your hand and his stomach in cum.

Once cleaned and in PJ’s, ready to sleep the fuck in on sunday, you assume your position behind him, wrapping your arms around his wide middle, getting a little wider every year, and kiss his scruffy neck. “Thank you for all you do for our family, baby.”

“Ain’t no thing.”

“But it is.” You coax him to look at you, his eyes wide and brown and beautiful. “I can’t imagine what my life would have been like if I had parents as supportive as you, loved me so unconditionally.” Things with your parents were pretty good now, they were. As well as you supposed it could get. They loved Sarah and Ellie and visited a few times a year, as you did them. Reconciling was more about giving grandparents to those girls they wouldn’t have otherwise. The day you met Joel, he said he hates his birthday, and that never changed. Years later, he’ll have a cake and accepts gifts, but it’s mostly for his girls. You found out his dad died on his birthday, leaving him without any parents. “Things would be so different. I wouldn’t have gone through addiction, I could have started hormones earlier and maybe I’d look-”

“Blue.” Joel turned over to cup your face. “There ain’t nothing wrong with the way you look. You’re my beautiful wife, and thats that.”

You smile at him. “Thank you, baby. But I mean it. I love that we can provide a different environment for Ellie to come out in.”

“I am too, mi amor.” He smiles back, and you lay your head on his chest. 

You wore his old flannel that night. It felt like home.

Wow, its been a ride!!

I know this series was small but im so thankful for everyone who read it and supported me!!!!

I hope somewhere out there, a transwoman reads this and feels seen <3 you are valued, you are important, you are loved

I love blue and I love the little word here, the found family Joel has gained over the years!!!! Now Jake enters the picture!

If you have any questions about this world, loose ends you didnt think i tied up or you have any additional q's of any kind, comment, reblog, or send an ask! Im happy to answer!

I love you all so much!

Please consider making a small donation to The Trevor Project <3

[romanarose]

About a Girl: Chapter 5

Beautiful header by my beloved @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog

Joel Miller x Trans!Fem!Reader (Nickname, Blue)

Series Masterlist : The Last of Us Masterlist : Full Masterlist

Summary: For week 3 of my pride event: Sex. Joel and Blue make everything official. Kayla ruins everything.

ADDITIONAL WARNING: Sorry ya'll this just happened with the story and it felt right for what was happening and the characters.. Warning for brief DV nothing extreme or detailed.

Warnings for whole fic, not chapter by chapter: 18+ ONLY!! I cannot warn against everything, but these are major themes. Joel is a lil ignorant but not out of hate. He just doesn't know. He's trying his best. There will be smut. Penetrative sex, all of the anal play, oral. There will be transphobia from other people. Addiction and alcoholism. QUICK child neglect not by Joel but I promise, Sarah is fine and is having a great time in life. Fetishization of women attracted to women by a shitty guy. Will update as needed. Again, this is adult content. Expect adult content.

Immersivity: Reader is transgender, AMAB female, reader has had gotten bottom surgery, not top, and is on hormones. reader has visible hair and a blue streak in hair, but not described. Could be braids, could be natural hair, whatever. Header is for aesthetics only. Reader is about Joel and Tommy's height. Let me know if i miss anything!

A/N: Not to sound like a 2012 wattpad writer but I cried writing this.

TRANS LIVES MATTER! TRANS YOUTH MATTER! TRANS ELDERLY MATTER! TRANS WOMEN MATTER! TRANS MEN MATTER! NON BINARY TRANS MATTER!

Things had been going well for weeks. Kayla had been taking Sarah on weekends consistently, which meant she didn’t have a man to distract her. This, however, meant she didn’t have a man to distract her away from Joel’s love life. Still, a little bit of boundary setting had done well for him, and Kayla had mostly been minding her business. Joel was able to see Blue every weekend, and was even able to spend more time with Tommy and Tess which was rare. 

Tonight, he had just got done having dinner at your house and was cuddling on the couch with you in his arms, all wrapped up. He liked moments like this a lot. Don’t get him wrong, he’d gone to another show with you and had a good time, but he was definitely happy to just sit at home with you.

You’d seemed an unlikely pair, you and him. You liked leather and black and grunge. He liked country and jeans and… well he wasn’t really sure what he really ”liked”, honestly. He loved Sarah. He liked All That, he liked Arthur, he didn't like Barney, he liked Franklin… what did he watch when Sarah was in bed? Sleep. He mostly slept. Sometimes he watched King of the Hill… he listened to Clinton Black, Garth Brooks… Sarah liked Reba, which was nice. Things to do for fun? He liked to play the guitar for Sarah. He liked to go to the park with Sarah. He liked to go with Sarah and Tommy to the roller rink… 

“I’d like yuh to meet Sarah.” Joel said against your ear, arms wrapped around your waste as he lay propped up against the arm rest. “Really meet her this time”

You paused, then sat up to turn and face him. You were smiling softly, eyes wide. “Really? I don’t want you to feel like you have to… but I’d love too…” Something hit you, making you bite your lip. “Introduce me as… what, exactly.” When you saw his eyes widen, you told him he didn’t have to pick a label right now, but he cut you off.

“My girlfriend. If you wanna.”

You squeal, returning to his arms for a hug and a kiss. “Yes!!!”

Joel returns the kiss, pulling you close, sliding a hand to the small of your back as you deepened the kiss, straddling his body. You and him had been making out, and of course the blow job outside the concert, but no sex. Not yet…

“Stay the night.” You whispered between kisses. “We don’t gotta do nothing you’re not ready for, but I’d love if you wanted to stay over”

Joel looked up at you, heart swelling faster than his cock in his pants. He reached up to touch your face. “I’m ready… only if you wanna”

You responded by grinding your cunt over his jeans, kissing him once more. You slide your tongue into his mouth, dominating the kiss and him. When you make it to the bedroom, Joel follows your lead, letting you press him up against the door as you fiddle with his belt. “Got any- mphhh- got any questions?”

His brow furrowed, looking a little confused and flushed. “With what? I don’t know if you know this, but I ain’t a virgin. Kid and all.”

“Yeah, I’m aware.” You chuckle. “I meant with the whole ‘not born with a vagina’ thing.”

The look on his face told you he forgot about that. “Oh. Um… I guess… can you… um…”

“Orgasm?!?!” You bawked, in disbelief that at the prospect of having sex with a transwomen, something he barely knew existed before you, and he’s concerned if you’re going to have a good time. “Yes, I can orgasm Joel. I got a fucked ton of lube by my drawer too, so we’re covered there, baby. Just.” you sigh, guiding him to the bed as you pull down his pants. “Sweetie,” You coo, his big brown eyes gazing adoringly as you return to your rightful place above him. “Just let me take care of you tonight, ‘kay? I got you.”

Awestruck, you nodded. “Yes ma’am.” In his dark boxer briefs, his cock is straining, heavy.

You slowly pull his briefs down, Joel humps his hips up to help and you stare in aw as his cock strings free. He’s hung, absolutely packing and you can see why Tess came back for a few more rounds. Getting a chance to look at him, really look at him this time… Big dick, big eyes, big man… bigger heart. He’s soft, kind. He’s gentle in a way you’d never seen from a southern farmer, a body capable of total destruction if he wanted to, but no room in his heart for it. You couldn’t imagine your sweet, precious man hurting anyone.

When you took him in your mouth, you couldn’t make it all the way down. You’d practice on tat, vowing to be able to deep throat him, but it didn’t seem to matter. He was a mess already. When was the last time he fucked someone? It’d been a few years since Tess and she never mentioned Joel having a girl since Kayla… You wanted to make him feel good. But Joel had other plans. 

“Wanna taste you.” He begs, tugging at your hair. “Really wanna taste you, Blue, please?” Joel is practically whimpering at you like a puppy and god, who are you to deny him? 

“You ever had someone sit on your face, Joel?”

He nods. Good, you didn’t wanna freak him out. He’s not a virgin, but you didn’t think he was the most experienced either. “Stay there.”

You spread your legs over his face, carefully lowering yourself on him when he surprises you by grabbing your thighs and yanking you down. “Hungry boy” You chuckle, delighted with his excitement. He shows no interest in the slight scarring, if he was even paying enough attention to notice; he seemed preoccupied.

Joel devoured you whole, moving and working with your body as you ground yourself on his face. He felt good, he knew what he was doing, that was for sure. Even if he didn’t get out much, he certainly had the enthusiasm. “Fuck Joel, just like that… Just like that…” You’re sure to make sure he knows he’s doing good, you weren’t going to get wet on your own. His nose nudges along your fold as he sucks on your clit when you bend over, jacking him off. You’d love to 69 him -he deserved it- but you didn’t want him orgasming too soon, and the poor guy was already looking like he was just barely hanging on as it was. You cum in his mouth, shouting out his name as you grip his perfect cock tightly, so tight you can’t believe he didn’t spurt all over your hand but you would have forgiven him if he had with the feeling he gave you. Riding his nose and putty lower lip until you’re done taking all your pleasure. 

When you flop over on the bed, Joel is on you in a second, lips sucking in yours desperately. He needs you, you can tell, but won’t ask for it. Joel isn’t the kind to take. He’s a giver. If you asked him to eat you out again he would, and would, and would until you’re ran dry and he’d just lay there, cock hard, cleaning you up. Because that was Joel. 

But you weren’t going to do that to him. Because he deserved to know he was worthy of love, pleasure, happiness.

When you drop on top of him, encasing him in your lubed up, warm cunt. He opens you in a way you’ve never felt before, making you moan onto the stubbled jaw you were kissing, making you whimper in such a way he asked if you were okay. No one on this earth was a better man than Joel Miller.

You rode him, hands pressed against his firm pecs and stomach rubbing against his softness. All the lifting in the world wasn’t going to work his abs, and the man was living off junk and the real food Frank made for lunch. He’s soft around the edges. Joel is a whiny, moaning mess and you savor every single second of it. Breathing in his shuttered exhales, letting it be your breath of life no matter how your legs burned as you bounced. Thumbs to soft inner thighs, you gave until your heart burst.

“I love you.” You blurt out, voice shaking as you admit your feelings, perhaps too soon. You hold your breath, closing your eyes tight as your brace for rejection, or even more scary; his devotion. Upright and spearing yourself on his sweet dick, you continue your movements blindly.

Until you feel him rise up.

Joel surged towards you, wrapping your body up in one arm and gripping the back of your neck with the other hand. Chest to chest, lips to lips, body to warm, adoring body.

“I love you,” He fucks his hips up into your body, muttering against your lips and cheek. “I love you so much, Blue.” And you believe him. 

Joel comes inside after you beg him for it. One orgasm is enough for you, you generally can’t twice but Joel does have you doubting that. He fills you up, clutching your ass and shoulders to him with fingers in your skin and face buried in your neck.

*

You wake up to your landline ringing. 

“Hello?” You answer quietly, but Joel stirs anyway.

On the other side, you hear Tommy. “Hey Blue, Joel with you?”

“Yeah, everything okay?”

Joel is up, eyes wide recognizing his brother's voice. He likes the phone from you. “Tommy? You alright?”

“Jesus Joel, had me worried. Kayla called damn near every bar in town trying to get a hold of me.”

“Shit.” Joel mutters, sitting on the side of the bed. “Sarah okay?”

Tommy said he didn’t know, but Kayla had been trying to call him. Joel hung up, searching for his phone. After calling Sarah good night, it fell under the bed.

You watch him frantically call Kayla, being sure to keep quiet. You know his ex can get jealous and he doesn’t need more stress. He’s so clearly worried, and you are too. It’s 1:30 am, if Kayla is calling then something is wrong with Sarah. “Whats wrong? Where’s Sarah?”

“She won’t stop crying, Joel.” Kayla snaps at him. Is she just calling because Sarah’s crying?

Joel scrubs his face. “Kayla, did you try comforting her?”

“Of course I did, you fucking asshole” You didn’t like how she speak to Joel, and you seethed in your anger, mouth still shut. “She won’t stop screaming. You need to pick her up, I can’t fucking do this.”

Joel sighs, standing up. You begin gathering his things for him. He’s butt naked, dick swinging. “Jesus, okay, I’ll come get her. Just go hold her, okay? She gets scared at night.”

Kayla snapped at him, saying she’s aware. 

He turns to you, apologetic. “I’m so-”

“Don’t you dare fucking apoligise, cowboy.” You toss him his briefs. “Sarah comes first, always. I’d do the same if I had a kid.”

He mumbles, redressing. “She always does this. Begs and cries about never seeing her, but sends her back early. Breaks Sarah’s little heart, you know? The uncertainty. She always dressed up so cute to see her mom, always brings her best art she makes at kindergarten, picture books she can read… even pretends to like Mariah Carey when she used to make me change the station. I can’t fucking take it.”

Your heart hurts for Sarah and Joel. Your own mom and dad never got you, even before coming out as trans or gay. You just were never right in their eyes. Years later, you start to think it was more about them than it was you. Who you are now is who you were always meant to be. You are happy. They are still miserable.

“Go get your daughter, Joel.” You kiss his cheek after he pulls his boots on. “Call me in the morning, or whenever you have time.”

He pauses, stopping to wrap his arms around you, strong and safe. “I meant every single word I said, Blue. I love you.”

“I know.” And you did.

*

After speeding on the empty roads, Joel makes it in record time, parking in front of some jacked up truck and  knocking on the door. He didn’t want to ring in case Sarah fell back asleep. The door flung open to reveal and frazzled Kayla. “About time, she’s been screaming non stop!” She opened the door and Joel looked inside, not seeing her but hearing her scream frantically. Kayla was dressed in a flownsy night top and panties, makeup lightly on like she kept when she first started sleeping over at Joel’s parents.

“Where is she?” He follows the sound of her cries. She sounds absolutely batshit terrified, calling mommy, mommy, mommy. He’s unfamiliar with Kayla place. “Sarah? Where are you baby girl?”

The mommy’s switched to daddy’s with renewed vigor and Joel quickly found the room, running to it but finding the bedroom door locked. He jiggled it, hearing Sarah’s voice on the other end of sobbing for him. Something was wrong. “It’s okay, baby girl. I’m here. Daddy’s here.” He tried to sound calm but turned to Kayla, furious. “Why is the door locked.”

“Don’t raise your voice at-”

“KAYLA UNLOCK IT!”

Kayla grabbed the key from a table nearby, explaining as she unlocked it, Joel’s voice reassuring Sarah she was safe it was okay. 

“She had a nightmare, said she saw you and Tommy die on that stupid fucking farm. Wouldn’t shut the fuck up when I tried to tell her you’re-”

As soon as it was unlocked Joel burst in, dropping to his knees to scoop up his baby and soothe her. Sarah continued to cry, but relief to it.

“I’m okay, my baby. I’m okay, so is uncle Tommy. I promise.” His hands felt her shampoo or conditioner soupy residue in there. Joel told her not to wash Sarah’s hair, that it was washed the night before but she didn’t listen. Kayla never took time with washing it, rinsing it properly.

After getting the number of the last bar that Kayla found Tommy at, he got a hold of his brother when Sarah was yet to be reassured her beloved uncle was alive.

“See Sare-Bear! I’m right as rain! I even promise to make you chocolate chip pancakes in the morning, even if your dad says no, okay?”

Sarah niffles, still clearly shook up and visible shaking in her barbie nightie, but better. “O-okay. You promise you’re not hurt?”

“Not one bit, never been better. Want me to come home?”

“No… no…” But she didn’t sound certain.

Once Sarah was reassured, Joel scooped her up. She clung to her dad, clutching his shirt in her little hands. Joel turned to Kayla with a glare. “You locked my daughter in her room when she thought her dad and uncle were D-E-A-D?” He spelled out, making Kayla roll her eyes. 

“You cuddle her too much, you and Tommy both. She needs to learn to cry it out.”

“One, she’s 5 and had a horrible nightmare. Two, you literally called me!” Then, Joel heard a thump coming from another room and it made sense now. The truck, Kayla underwear and makeup. “Kayla. Do you have a man in the house right now?”

She looked like she was about to lie, then thought better of it. “What I do with my home is none of your business.”

He tried to keep calm, chest rising and falling in anger against Sarah, still gently sniffing. They had an agreement on this. “How long have you known this man.”

She crossed her arms defensively, “A few weeks.”

His jaw ticked. “You brought a man you barely know to sleep over while my daughter is here?” In anger, he turned around, walking to the door but Kayla shouted after him.

“Relax Joel! This ain’t even the first time! Sarah likes him, he’s nice, he-”

Whipping around, Joel took long footsteps towards Kayla, clutching Sarah who had begun crying again. Sarah knew when a fight was happening. “How long as this been going on? Do you leave her alone with him?” Then he realized… if Sarah met him, and never mentioned him… he took a deep breath. “Kayla. Did you tell my child not to tell her father about a man? Did you seriously tell her to keep a secret from me?”

Joel never ever said. “don’t tell mom.” Ever. His heart raced in fear about the potition she was put in. If Sarah didn’t think she could tell him about the man, if anything happened, she’d keep that a secret too.

“Joel, it’s not a -”

“Don’t! No more sleepovers Kayla! No more of this until you can stop doing stupid-”

Seeing the slap coming and bracing for it was the only thing keeping his face from rolling into Sarah’s head. His eyes remained closed, blurring with tears. Not of pain, but humiliation. Knowing Sarah just heard her mom hit her dad. He’d always managed to keep that shit away from her… 

“What, are you gonna cry now?” She mocked, but Joel wouldn’t have it.

“Sarah, sweetie, say goodbye to mommy. We’re going home.”

Sarah waved goodbye, but didn’t speak. Joel took her into the car and buckled her safely in, pulling a blanket over her legs in her nightie. He’d send Tommy to get the rest of her things tomorrow. Right now, he needed to get Sarah home.

Joel laid in bed with her, holding Sarah close to him on the twin bed. He tried to lull her back to sleep, but she hadn’t stopped sniffling and gently crying the whole ride back, even as Joel tried to distract her. 

“Why doesn’t mommy like me?” Sarah mumbled against Joel’s arm, her back to his chest.

“Oh baby…” He kissed her hair. “Your mommy loves you so, so much. She and I think you’re just the coolest kid ever.”

She thought on this for a while. “You know the bird I made in kindergarten? Where I glued the feathers?”

“Yes baby, I remember.”

“And the sheet where I wrote my name 5 times?”

“I remember, it looked so good.”

“I brought them… and last night I saw them in the trash.”

Joel’s eyes welled up with tear, tucking his face into her hair to hide it. “It must be an accident, Sarah. We get so many bills, it probably just got lost in the piles.”

“I put it on the fridge for her.”

“It must have fallen…” Joel hated lying to her, but… “You know, just the other day your mom called me to tell me how she’s so proud of you. How she thinks you’re the prettiest girl in the whole world and so, so smart.”

Sarah’s bedroom door cracked open, Tommy appearing.

“Hey Sare-bear” He spoke gently. “Got room for me?”

Joel scooched over and saw Sarah smiling for the first time. Daddy was comfort, but Uncle was joy. “Yes!!”

As Tommy took off his boots and jacket, Joel enlisted him to his lie. “Tommy, remember how her mom was telling us how proud she is of Sarah?” 

Tommy got the jist. “Oh yeah, she’s always talk’n ‘bout you. Can’t get her to stop, really. Says you know more about dinosaurs than anyone else on the planet.”

“Yeah! Because I saw Jurassic Park!”

Joel shot Tommy a look but let it slide. At least Tommy doesn’t tell Sarah to keep secrets. “Yup. See baby? She loves you so much.”

“Good” Sarah yawned. “Because I love mommy. I wanna be just like her when I grow up.”

The three of them fell asleep like that on the twin bed. Sarah snuggled right up in her daddy’s arms, uncle Tommy on the other end holding her little hand. 

In the morning, Tommy made them all chocolate chip pancakes.

Lets get on the fight Kayla club!!!!!

Tommy loves his neice....

Sarah is perfectly safe, I promise.

please lmk your thoughts!!!! Thanks for all the cool works with this pride event!!!

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[gg-pedro]

can you hear the music (ch. 4) - joel miller x reader

masterlist

summary: everyone in jackson is trying to distract themselves from something. you teach ellie piano and find yourself trying to help more than one miller settle into their new world.

chapter 4: joel asks for a blessing. in the end, you aren't sure if he gets it.

warnings: post outbreak!joel, jackson!era, joel x reader, AFAB!reader, platonic!ellie x reader, protective!joel, implied age gap, brief smut (p in v), mentions of blood, non-gratuitous descriptions of a wound, alcohol consumption, gun violence, rampage!joel, angst, and more angst.

words: 3.5k

a/n: sorry in advance! alternate title: waiting room.

-

Joel apologized to you second.

You woke up to Joel draping a throw blanket around you and the sound of mugs being set on the coffee table. When you opened your eyes to see him sitting on the edge of the couch next to you, you worried.

He looked ill. The pallor of his face clashed with the peaceful resolve that was mixed into his expression. When you sat up, he took your hands into his, and his eyes were pleading with you to stay.

“I’m sorry for makin’ so much trouble for you. Last night… that wasn’t right. I didn’t want you to have to– y’know, have to deal with shit that should be mine.”

You shook your head. “It’s–”

He cut you off. “Don’t say anything yet. I’m gonna tell you a few things first.”

Joel had woken up before the sun that morning with you curled up on his chest and a 50 pound weight on his shoulders. He slipped off the couch, trying his hardest not to disturb you, and walked by the light of the moon back to his and Ellie’s place.

She was asleep in her bedroom, a comic book spread open on her chest and her blanket twisted up near her feet. He straightened out her duvet over her and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

In his bedroom, he dug the framed photograph of him and Sarah from his pack. He apologized to her first. He held the picture in both hands, stared at it for a long time, and asked for her forgiveness. And for a blessing– he told her about you, the girl that he was seeing and wanted to be with, for however long time would allow. 

And maybe a sign, too. Just to know that she was still there.

Now, dipping his head down as he gripped your hands in his, he would apologize to you.

Joel told you a lot of things. Some of it vague, some of it not. Mostly about how he couldn’t save his daughter. You were feeling lots of different things. Mostly, you just felt sorry for him. Entirely winded by the pain he experienced. It was like that old adage– you get to know someone so well that you end up on the other side of them. 

At the end of it, still gripping your hands, he looked into your eyes again. “I know you’re gonna see me differently now. That’s fine, I’ve done things I’m not proud of. Real, real bad things. And if you don’t wanna do this anymore, that’s fine too. Or if–”

“Joel,” you said quietly. “There’s not a single skeleton in your closet that would make me feel any differently about you. Because the you that I know?” 

You brought your hands up to cradle his face. “You've got a heart of gold, baby. And if I can say that now, after all this– I know it isn’t going anywhere.” You brushed tears away from the hollows of his cheeks. “Neither am I.”

Joel just nodded. He didn’t say anything, not even if he believed you, but you already knew he did. For the first time, he held you in his arms and it didn’t feel like he was waiting for you to crumble into dust. 

Tommy was third. It wasn’t much of an apology, though. The whole recanting of the situation in the bar the night before brought Tommy to tears from how much he was laughing. 

“Wasn’t expecting that this would be so amusing to you,” Joel grumbled.

Tommy, wiping his eyes, said, “You swing and you miss sometimes, brother. But fuck, I ain’t ever lettin’ you live this down.”

That made Joel laugh too, which made everything less heavy. As collateral for Tommy not mentioning any of this to Maria, he made Joel promise to take his night patrols for the next two weeks. That was the deal, and that was good enough for him.

He had a memory come to mind of him sitting in church once, staring at a vaulted wooden ceiling and wondering how many confessions it would take to wash his hands clean of sin. It was a lifetime’s worth, even back then. Now, though, he was starting to think it would take a whole lot less.

-

Joel and Tommy’s deal was a just punishment. He could stand the lack of sleep, the chill that the early spring’s night air carried. But it meant he couldn’t spend every night of the week with you. 

The two of you were in his bed this time, fresh out of a warm shower. Joel tried to convince you that it was practical, saving the commune on hot water, but you realized that was a farce the second you undressed and his hands started roaming.

He wanted you to be his. Grabbing you by the back of your thighs, he lifted you up and pressed you against the tile wall. He sucked and bit the slick skin of your neck and shoulders in a way that made your senses fuzzy with desire. You wrapped your legs around him, whining and needy until he gave you what you really wanted.

He fucked you then and there, bodies tangled together between light and water. You could moan and beg as loud as you needed to on his right side. Still, he’d complain, telling you to use his good ear to cry out his name. Wanna hear how much you want me, pretty girl.

As you laid in his bed afterwards, him tracing circles up and down your arm, he startled suddenly.

“Time is it?”

You strained to read the time on the alarm clock. “Half past midnight.”

“Damnnit, I’m late,” he hissed. 

You watched as he got up, pulling on a pair of jeans and a white tee shirt. “Can I come?”

He gave you a pointed look, one that clearly said over my dead body. “No.”

“Joel,” you began, sitting up in bed. “I’m getting tired of this– living the same day over and over again. Besides the kids, you’re the only thing that I look forward to anymore.”

Buttoning a flannel up almost all the way, he shook his head. “Good. Means you’re safe. Better bored than dead or infected,” he said. “Going out there ain’t gonna fix anything for you.”

“You think I can’t handle myself,” you said. “I’ve gotten this far. I got here alone.”

Joel sat on the bed next to you and took your hand into his. “I know, baby. But I can’t. Can’t risk you,” he said quietly. “Stay here tonight. Stay with Ellie. I’ll be back by dawn.”

That was the end of that conversation. But you kept asking, and asking, and apparently you passed his ‘show-me-how-you-hold-a-gun’ test, so he relented. He relented, and he shouldn’t have.

You took the same mare that you did on the previous trip, arms wrapped tightly around Joel’s middle and the cool metal of his shotgun pressing against your chest at the same time. There were three other pairs out there with the two of you, covering the east, west, and south while you and Joel took the north edges. 

It was the dead of night outside those walls, and winter had melted away even further since the last time you’d seen it. Still, the exposure left you shivering, and the wind still howled in the trees like it was coming from the bitter north. 

“This ain’t all for fun. You keep your eyes open. infected, hunters, camps, anything you see. That means tracks, smoke from fires, noises– anything. You got that gun ready, too?”

You reached into the holster on your side that he’d lended you, fingers gliding over cool metal. “Mhm. Ready to shoot off some heads,” you joked.

He huffed. “Yeah. Hilarious.”

He led you northward and you wondered how he did this so often. You weren’t sure if he was actually fearless to a degree or if he just had a constant sense of duty inside of him that he felt the need to fulfill. You get so used to putting your life on the line for others that eventually, you feel useless when you aren't. You just assumed it kept him going in a way you couldn’t understand.

“I wanna show you something,” he said after a long lapse of silence. “You gonna be awake for it?”

He must’ve been able to tell with the way you had your face slumped against his back that you were trying hard to fend off sleep. “Tell me what it is first?”

“That ruins the surprise, baby doll,” he said, and you could hear the smile in his voice. 

He let you doze off for a while, but the uneven motion from the horse walking up an incline roused you again. Your eyes quickly adjusted to the blue dawn and sitting there in the foreground, like you were seeing a mirage, was a white farmhouse. 

It could’ve been sitting on three acres of cleared land. A few hundred yards away from you was a barn and a silo to go along with it. Dead moss and other foliage had twisted its way up around its sides, creeping into broken windows and cracks in the wooden planks that made up the facade. The roof sagged inwards and the door seemed to have vanished from the hinges. It was beautiful anyway. 

“Me and Tommy found this place a while back. We were thinking of how nice we could fix it up. In another life, maybe,” he said musingly. “You like it?”

You rested your chin on his shoulder and rubbed his arm with a gloved hand. “I love it. Feels like I’ve dreamt about a place like this.”

“Me too,” he agreed. “Just needs a big ol’ fence around the whole thing.”

You laughed and leaned over to kiss the shell of his ear. “I think that’d ruin it, Joel.”

He scoffed at you. “No. Can’t live here if it’s all out in the fuckin’ open.”

“I thought this was a hypothetical. And it doesn’t even have a door– I think it needs more than just a fence.”

“Well no shit. In my hypothetical, it’s all fixed up.” He waved a hand out in front of him. “New paint, big shutters on those windows. Slate roof. Maybe a blue door. Then I’d put up a fence. That make you happy?”

“In my hypothetical, there’d be no need for a fence. No infected, no hunters, no raiders. Just us. Dream bigger, Miller.”

“Fair enough,” he conceded. “But if I’m bein’ honest, there’s no hypothetical where I would wanna live in the middle-of-fuckin’-nowhere Wyoming.”

Still with your head on his shoulder, you watched the sunlight crest through the valley and light up the peak of the farmhouse in a warm glow. You dreamt of what could have been. What life would be like with Joel in the big white house of your dreams. In another life.

But if you were being honest, you wouldn’t have gotten to meet him in this one if the world hadn’t fallen apart. 

“Yeah, alright. You win,” you replied quietly. 

“I’m never wrong, hon.”

“Mhm. Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

-

You headed back south from the farmhouse, traveling across a slight ridge that overlooked an open field. About a mile out, you could see Jackson’s walls in the morning light. A sudden gasp from you made Joel pull at the reins and stop the horse in its tracks. 

“Oh, look,” you said, throwing a leg over to the other side and sliding off to get a closer look. “Wild poppies. I thought it’d be too early for flowers.” You crouched next to them and felt the warm soil beneath your fingertips. 

“Flowers? Get back over here. I’m serious, you’re already too far,” Joel called, staring at you from two yards away. 

“Oh, fuck off. Let me enjoy myself before we have to go back,” you yelled back behind you.

You were grateful for your life in Jackson. Beyond content there. It made you restless, too. As if it was some utopia that shouldn’t exist because the world had fallen apart. You had a home, you had your people, you got to show kids music, for fuck’s sake. 

You didn’t know what was missing. Maybe it was just the mourning of the life you could’ve had that never really went away. There was more, though. There was something. 

Joel slid off the horse after you, jogging to catch up. “I said I ain’t kiddin’, get back from the fuckin’ led–”

Joel barely had his hand on your shoulder when the distinct crack of a shotgun being fired rang out through the still forest. He grabbed you as quickly as he could, trying to cover your body with his, but he wasn’t fast enough. A strangled sob still wrenched itself from deep inside of you.

Joel paled. No. No. No. No. No. Baby. Baby. No. Please. Please, baby. Please.

Your knees buckled, and you would’ve sank to the ground if not for Joel’s hands around your waist, pulling you up against gravity. You pressed your hand against your upper arm, hot and sticky. When you pulled away, blood was left smeared across your palm and dripping between your fingers.

Dizzy and still reeling, you fought against his grasp and dropped to your knees. Joel went with you, grabbing your arm to assess the damage. You cried out, trying to pull it back from him, but he ignored your protests.

“You’re okay. You’re gonna be okay, sweetheart, you’re okay.” He repeated it over and over again, probably trying to convince himself more than you. “It just grazed you, baby. I know, I know, it hurts, you gotta let me, though–”

He stripped off your coat and pulled your sleeve up. A remarkable chunk was missing from your arm, replaced by a red massacre of blood and flesh. Joel tore off a strip of his flannel and tied it tight around the wound as a makeshift tourniquet. 

Just then, hurried footsteps approached the two of you. A lone man with his hands raised up in the air and a rifle strapped to his back. Joel drew his pistol, getting up to stand between you and the hunter.

“I’m so sorry,” he began, breathless. “I thought– I thought I saw a deer. I have medical supplies at my camp, I could treat that–”

The man was cut off by being promptly shot in the foot. He screamed in response, the sound full of shock and confusion, before crumbling to the ground. 

“You thought. You fuckin’ thought? Oh, I bet you did. You fucked up. You really, really fucked up.” 

Joel grabbed the man by his hair and smashed his fist into his face, over and over again, until even the poppies a few feet away had crimson blood spattered on them.

And you, you couldn’t even hear the man’s sobbing and pleading. You were hearing symphonies ringing through the woods. You were so sure you heard music, flowing and crescendoing with every throb of pain that shot through your arm. You wanted to shut your eyes and lean into it completely. 

Still, you knew you were yelling. Trying to, anyway. Screaming at Joel to stop. It was a mistake. That man hadn’t meant to shoot anyone. 

Joel, with his field of vision entirely red, watched the man look at clear blue sky and utter his last words to God–

Joel. Joel. Joel, Stop it, fucking don't, please, don’t–

And Joel, like the executioner he had been molded into, put a bullet straight through the other man’s skull. 

The music pounding in your ears faded, vision dipping into cloudy darkness, and the last thing you felt was Joel’s arms catching you before your body hit the ground. 

-

Your consciousness was spotty the entire ride back to the city. You knew you were in Joel’s one free arm, tucked in close to his chest, while he controlled the reins of the horse with the other. 

“It ain’t so bad… you’re gonna make it. Can y’hear me, baby? Talk to me, please.”

You mumbled something into his skin and groaned. The adrenaline coursing through your body was making you shiver, and every slight movement sent waves of pain through your arm.

“I love you. I love you. I love you.” He repeated, grip tightening around you. 

You heard him yelling to the guards at the front gates before your senses dulled to static black.

-

Oh, you wished you would’ve stayed unconscious.

In the clinic, there were multiple people pinning you down. Someone forced whiskey down your throat as they debrided the wound. You choked on it initially, but as they sewed the hole in your arm shut, you were screaming for more. 

The bullet should’ve gone right through you– it was centimeters away from it. You were told that it should have. You almost wished it did. But the hunter was a poor shot, and now both of you were suffering for it.

After passing out from drinking more than half a bottle of bootleg whiskey, you woke again when it was dark outside with a hangover and a dull throbbing in your arm. 

Ellie was there. 

She perked up a little when she saw that you were aware. “Oh, hey. Let me go g–”

“–don’t get Joel. Please.”

“Oh,” she said again. “He didn’t shoot you, right? He’s telling everyone that he didn’t, but–”

You pinched the bridge of your nose and cut her off. “No, no, he didn’t– fuck… where is he?”

“At the house. Maria made him. I wanted to stay. Make sure you didn’t die or some shit while everyone was gone,” she said.

You sat up more fully from the cot you’d been sleeping on. Half of it had pools of dry blood on it, overlapping. “Mmh. Thanks, Ellie.”

“Don’t mention it.” 

You stared down at your hands clasped in your lap. You swallowed. “Did they say when I could go home?”

“Dunno. I think Joel said he was ‘gonna be the one to decide’,” She told you, imitating his low southern drawl. “You wanna play cards? This weird kid at school taught me how to play Euchre.”

You agreed, of course. You and Ellie sat together on the bed, both trying to ignore the way it was splotched with red. Halfway through the second round of her kicking your ass, you popped open the decanter at your bedside and choked down the rest of the alcohol.

-

You sat awake long after Ellie had left. She beat you five times in a row until you played Go Fish and finally won a round. Tommy came to walk her back home, informing you that you should stay there for the night. He didn’t mention Joel.

You were drunk, definitely. Half your bloodstream was probably alcohol. But it made you woozy and it blurred the pain, so who were you to complain.

Joel came to you a quarter after midnight. He just stood at the door, staring at you as you stared back. 

“You shot him,” you stated.

A long pause. “He shot you.”

“You didn’t have to, Joel. I didn’t want you to.”

You could see him biting the inside of his cheek. He looked like a complete mess, not having slept in at least a day.

You sucked in a breath. “It was my fault and you know it.”

He didn’t reply. He approached you, picking up the empty bottle of whiskey before setting it down again. He sat down on the edge of the bed and let his head drop into his hands.

“I did what I thought I had to do. All I could do. Someone hurt you, and I– baby, listen to me.”

I ain’t gonna let nothin’ happen to you. D’you understand that? Nothin’. I’m gonna take care of you. Keep you safe. Keep you happy.

“I know it scared you. I’m so, so sorry. Nothin’ was your fault. Don’t think you got any blood on your hands,” he said. “It was my choice. You gotta understand… I couldn’t just let someone hurt you and walk away clean.”

I will. You just gotta let me.

You thought of the big white farmhouse. Out in the middle of nowhere with nobody trying to burn it down or hurt it. You thought of a different life. One with him. One where he’d never have to think about the trigger of a gun ever again. 

You pushed it away. You’d ruin the memory if you ever touched it again. 

Tears pooling in your eyes, he pulled you into his arms and held you. He rocked you back and forth, pressed so close to his chest that it was difficult to breathe.

“I know, baby doll, I know. It’s for the better. It’s for the better.”

You shook your head and gripped him tightly. “I’m scared. It hurts, Joel.”

He shushed you and ran his hand up and down your back. “I know. It’s gonna be alright. I’m gonna take good care of you. I just– I couldn’t let it happen again. Not to you.”

Maybe it was for the better. He kept you safe. He had shown that he’d go to any length for you. Not that you had doubts about that before. 

But he didn’t kill that man for you. He did it for himself.

-

[gg-pedro]

can you hear the music (ch. 6) - joel miller x reader

masterlist

summary: everyone in jackson is trying to distract themselves from something. you teach ellie piano, and you find yourself trying to help more than one miller settle into their new world.

chapter 5: joel loves you, and you let him. you could live a million more days like this.

warnings: post outbreak!joel, jackson!era, joel x reader, AFAB!reader, platonic!ellie x reader, protective!joel, implied age gap, unprotected piv, ellie plays the piano, sweet smut, fingering, joel needs taking care of, bittersweet fluff, but almost entirely fluff, happy ending :)

words: 5.5k

a/n: grand finale! i hope i delivered for all of you. thank you endlessly, and from the bottom of my heart, for reading and supporting my stuff and this series. its been so incredibly fun and fulfilling. enjoy this!!

-

Life was sweet. Life was good. 

You blinked and spring had become summer. The fields grew unruly with wild grass and baby’s breath, the sun shined longer. Clouds lingered, but they didn’t stay. Days were hot and saccharine. 

You heard music everywhere. In the swallows outside your window at dawn, the rustle in the pear trees when the wind blew, in Joel’s voice when he hummed you to sleep. In the creaks in the floorboards that you had memorized as his footsteps, the hymns and nursery rhymes that kids sang, and in your old upright piano that was slowly losing falling out of tune.

It had been quiet for so long, but now it was loud– deafening at times. Impossible not to notice.

The best music of all, perhaps, was the songs Ellie was learning for the informal recital that you’d suggested she put on. And even sweeter than that was the way she’d changed since you first met. She no longer reminded you of a scared little girl, always choosing the fight over the flight. She was strong and bubbly and hilarious, and watching her find a reason to be proud of herself was even more rewarding than watching her become a talented musician.

The song selection was completely inappropriate, but it was perfect anyway: Billy Joel’s Uptown Girl (for her Joel, of course), the Jurassic Park theme, and finally, Ain’t Too Proud To Beg by the Temptations. 

The two of you were conspiring against Joel for weeks now, planning the surprise for him and practicing whenever you got the chance. 

You had a sneaking suspicion that he and Ellie were hiding something from you, too. Ellie was far too giddy when she saw the two of you together. She lingered a little too long after dinner, or when you were sleeping over, or when you’d planned a day to spend together.

If Ellie had one fault, it was that she was awful at keeping secrets.

After inviting you out on a horse ride through the outskirts of the perimeters of Jackson, Joel took a detour. He went northward, through the green woods and out into a clearing, and you were soon back at the white farmhouse. 

It looked the same, aside from a little more wear on the outside from this year’s harsh winter and wet spring. The roof was still caving in and the doorway was still open. The ivy was thriving, twisting up towards the peak where the sun had worn away at the crisp white paint.

“You wanna see the inside?” Joel asked, glancing over his shoulder at you.

“Is it safe?”

“I’m here, ain’t I?”

He helped you slide off the back of the mare, your hand slid instinctively into his as you walked up to the wrap around porch. Inside, the interior was fitted with dark hardwood and floral wallpaper that had started to fade and peel. In the front sitting room, the sun had bleached the upholstered arm chairs and faded the photos on the wall. Still, it was beautifully preserved, clear that this place was home to a lifetime of memories.

The breeze blowing in through the front door was warm as Joel took both of your hands into his. He was slightly tanned now, and patches of his salt and pepper hair looked more caramel. You couldn’t stop yourself from smiling when you looked at him– he was gorgeous, and you loved him, and he was yours.

“I know I can’t give you this,” he started quietly. “I wish I could, baby. I would if I could.”

“I’d never ask you for this, Joel,” you countered.

“Yeah, ‘cause you’re sweet and you never ask for things, not even if you wanted to.” He brought up a hand to brush your hair behind your ears. He always said he liked it when it was out of the way, because he liked seeing your face. “I’m wanna ask you for somethin’, though”

“Okay, shoot.”

“I want you to move in. With us. Me and Ellie. Before you–”

“Joel–”

“–she really looks up to you, you’re good for her. It’d mean somethin’ to her, and to me. I know, I know, I’ve asked you a hundred times, but I’m askin’ for real this time,” he said, cutting you off once and for all.

“It wasn’t real all those other times?” You looked at him with a smile. “What would we be then, if we lived together? What would you call me?”

His partner. His wife? Just his, maybe. 

You looked away from him for a moment, watching the sunlight as it poured through the windows and highlighted everything in orange. The shelves propped up against the walls were lined with books and picture frames and knicknacks. There was still a throw blanket draped over the couch. People had built a life here, and were likely forced to abandon it all. 

When you looked back, Joel was reaching into his pocket to pull out something that was small and caught in the light. It was thin and shiny gold, a ring with three symmetric diamonds set into the band. He took your hand, dirt under your clipped fingernails and all, and slid it onto your ring finger. 

“I’m not askin’ you to marry me. We can call it that, if that means anythin’ to you. I just want to give you somethin’ nice. A nice life where I can keep you safe. We can paint the house, fix it up inside a little. Give you somethin’ like this. I’ll call you anything you want.”

You laughed at the way Joel was dancing around his words, and the way that he continuously fidgeted with the ring on your finger. Always avoiding strings, giving you a way out before you even had the chance to get a word in. You wished you had found a way in all this time to make him understand your commitment to him, without a ring or a pretty house or any of it. 

You just rested your hands on his shoulders and kissed him. His hands found the small of your waist and you melted into each other with a familiar rhythm. Light was striking your eyes as you pulled back, and you nodded.

A life. A nice one. Yes. A thousand times yes. 

“A ring and all, hm?” you replied quietly, still wrapped up in him. “Yes. That’s my answer this time.”

He kissed your cheek, and you could feel his lips curve into a smile. “Okay. Okay, good. I love you.”

You leaned into him and he wrapped an arm around you from the side. “I love you, too.”

Again, you stared at the picture frames still hung on the wall. A full family– parents, kids, grandparents, all commemorated permanently in this house. You could have something like this, too. Not everything had come to an end when the world had fallen apart. People persisted. Love, connection, and happiness. It was still here, alive and humming in all of the places you had been.

You realized now, in Joel’s arms, that you had to start from scratch. Build up the beautiful life that was already budding before you. This was something you would fight for. 

-

Fresh white paint slopped messily onto chipped brown walls, Joel in the corner of your eye with paint splattered on his own worn t-shirt.

You heard the sound of his footsteps padded by the sheets on the floor approaching you, even over the music that was flowing from the crank record player in the corner of the room. An old Frank Sinatra: Songs For Swiningin’ Lovers! record was spinning and skipping, songs from forever ago that made your heart feel a little heavier.

He grinned at you as he grabbed your waist, taking the paintbrush you held in your hand and holding it up out of your reach. 

“Hey,” you warned when you broke the kiss, “I’m picking up your slack over here.”

He laughed and swiped his thumb over your cheek. “I see that. Got paint all over your pretty face.”

As you were about to protest, he kissed you again and his hands trailed down to your hips and ass. He tasted like cool silver and sparks of electricity. His beard scratched your face as he started to back you up to the wall. The paintbrush clattered to the floor. 

The two of you had been systematically moving furniture and covering whatever else you could as you started the process of freshening up his and Ellie’s place. Your place, too. You’d all but cleared your own house out, and you felt your lives officially combining. The whole process of knowing Joel had been like passing right through him. Knowing him deeply– the good, the bad, and the ugly– until you could stand on the other side and look him in the eye and say that you loved all of it. 

“You up for a break?” He offered with his mouth ghosting your collar. 

“Painting’s gonna take forever if you keep this up,” you pointed out.

“Not my fault that y’look so damn good in overalls.”

You laughed, and he laughed, and he slung you over his shoulder before you could get another word in to carry you upstairs.

You shed your clothes like a second skin onto the floor, lying bare for each other in the sunlit bedroom you shared. Joel fucked you differently now. There was no desperation, no quickness, no fear that you were going to disappear beneath him. He fucked you sickeningly slow, torturously, like he had realized that it would last a lifetime. A lifetime of feeling you.

His tongue met all of your weak spots while his fingers breached your throbbing entrance. He pumped long, gratuitous beats with his ring and middle finger and you shook as the ridges and years of wear on his hands hit every pressure point that made you feel good. 

Compliments and praise rolled off his tongue and reverberated into your body. Sweet girl. Pretty little thing. Feels good, huh? Beautiful. Tell me you feel good, baby. Just like that. Mine. Mine. 

It felt like he could make you come with his voice alone. 

He liked playing with you, though. Knew intimately how weak he made you. Still, you felt like you could give your most vulnerable self over to him and he would protect it with his life. 

“Joel, Joel– so close–”

He paused his work, meeting your eyes between your parted thighs. “Not yet, darlin’, I’m gonna feel you come. Wanna feel it.”

Tilting your hips up to meet his, he hooked your legs on his shoulders and thrusted methodically inside of you. He stopped every once in a while to tease your clit, still crying for attention, with the wet head of his cock. You moved your hand down to touch yourself, rubbing fast circles against the spot, but he grabbed your hand away and insisted on stimulating you himself.

He treated you too well. Didn’t want you lifting a finger while he was taking care of you. With his free hand he felt you up all over, raising the hairs on your body and making you shiver. He loved watching what he did to you. Loved when you made him feel drunk and desperate. 

The one thing you could give was grabbing his arm as you came, letting him feel your walls convulse and shudder around his cock. That was usually his trigger– he couldn’t stand it much longer as he watched you whine and moan around his name, repeating it over and over like a fiery prayer. 

Oh, Joel. Joel. Joel. Joel. 

Sweating and panting in the small room, already hot from the harsh summer, he laid there quietly with you. You could hear You Make Me Feel So Young still warbling from the record player as you ran your hand up and down his side.

Dark brown lashes met his skin as his eyes slipped shut. You couldn’t tell if he was getting old fast or just getting more comfortable with you, because it seemed like he was falling asleep next to you every chance he got.

You were glad. Setting all of your happiness and contentment being with him, you were glad that you made him feel safe– to watch those walls that he’d built up so high and impenetrable to slowly drop since you’d met him.

You propped yourself up to lean over and kiss the bridge of his nose. “Was this your plan all along? Tire both of us out so you had an excuse to stop painting for the day?”

He cracked an eye open, a smile spreading on his face. “M’not tired. You paint all you want, baby, I could watch you all day.”

“Mhm, making me do all the work, as per usual.” You shut your eyes and dropped your head against his chest.

“You’re too young to complain. I’m too old.”

“Not too old to fuck me like that, though?”

He laughed in a way that told you he was also rolling his eyes. “Never too old for that.”

“Touché, Miller.”

Your breathing started to even out and your skin felt temperate from the sun breaking through the curtains. Joel’s arms were firmly tucked around you and it almost felt like an instinct. He protected you, even if you didn’t want him to. Took care of you when he didn’t have to. Loved you just because he could. 

You let him. You could live a million more days like this.

-

You painted more walls, filled old cracks, broke a pipe or two in the process. Joel was always there to fix things. It was messy and far from a perfect renovation, but it was home and that was enough. 

Your personal passion project, however, was fixing up the backyard. With the lawn mowed and overgrown weeds under control, you were determined to start a garden. You picked a six by three patch of land towards the back, adjacent to the huge bur oak that provided a nice radius of shade for half the day until the sun shifted. 

Joel had built the wooden perimeter for you and you had nurtured the rest. All it took was a morning of ripping up grass and a few seed packets from the town’s garden, and your plants were already starting to breach the soil and bloom. On a particularly warm afternoon, watering can in hand, you were worried that the zucchini was going to overtake the whole thing.

From the corner of your eye you saw Ellie slide out of the back door and stomp over to the shade of the oak tree, promptly laying down on the cool grass with a groan. Her hair, usually tied back in a practical ponytail, was sprawled out on the ground beneath her head.

Wordlessly, you dropped the watering can and sank down a few feet away, facing her. 

“What’s up with you, kid?”

She huffed again, covering her eyes with her forearms. “My hair’s too fucking long,” she said at last. “Making everything hot. I wish I was bald.”

You laughed. “I’ll shave it off, if you want.”

She lifted her arm slightly to look over at you. “It’d look sick, right?”

“Yeah. Super metal,” you agreed. “You���d still be pretty bald by wintertime, though.”

 She only groaned at that revelation.

“Do you know how to braid?” You asked, lying down on your back. The tree was rustling in the wind and the gaps in the leaves allowed thin beams of light through. 

“Like, a regular braid? Kinda… falls out, though. Then I have to care about it.”

“French braids, then? The kind that goes up your whole head?”

“It’d look stupid,” she concluded. “I’m not seven.”

“No, c’mon. It’ll stay in for a few days, too. If it’s out of your face, you won’t even have to think about it.”

She sat up this time, running her fingers back and forth through the grass. “I don’t know how.”

“I’ll show you. Go get a brush and some hair ties.”

With simply surviving being Ellie’s number one priority for so long, you doubted she had ever put much mental energy into caring about how she looked. A hairstyle and clothes were surely an afterthought when living to see the next day had been so uncertain. But she was a teenage girl who had been at a comfortable distance from death for a while now, and she deserved to feel good about herself. Pretty, even.

So the two of you sat, her sat criss-crossed in front of you as you got to work on parting her hair into two and weaving tight plaits into each side. You tried to be as precise and methodical as possible without pulling too hard or making her sit there for too long. Her hair was long, thick and slightly wavy in the humidity. 

You put both hands on her shoulders when you were done, admiring your work. “Better? Turn, let me see the front.”

She did as she was told, smoothing her hands over the braids that sat on her shoulders. “Yeah, this is better.”

“You look beautiful.”

She rolled her eyes. “Fuck off.”

“I’m telling you the truth.” You tilted your head and smiled at her. “If you like it, I’ll show you how to do it on yourself.”

She shrugged as she stood up, taking the brush and comb from your hands. “Dunno. Ponytails are like, a billion times easier.”

“If you say so.” You caught her wrist before she could turn to walk away. “Offer still stands. I’m always here for… girl stuff. I know a lot more about some things than Joel. Okay?”

“Yeah, girl stuff. Hair and periods and shit. Got it. Thanks.” She waved you off dismissively. 

“I’m serious. Just know that,” you called after her.

“I heard you!” She yelled back, already halfway across the lawn.

Joel came home later than expected that night, long after the two of you had eaten dinner. He was half expecting you and Ellie to be in bed by then, so it came as a surprise when he shut the front door and heard back and forth bickering mixed with tearful laughter pouring out of Ellie’s bedroom.

Quietly, he made his way upstairs, lingering by her door that was slightly ajar. Warm, pink light seeped out of the space along with the familiar sound of her giggle.

With a fistful of your hair in her hand, trying and failing at her attempt to create a presentable french braid, you were winded from laughter.

“For how awful this looks, Ellie, I don’t know how you’re managing to scalp me.”

“I’m doing it like you showed me! Grab a chunk from here, put it together, put it over the middle. Chunk, together, middle. Chunk–”

She yanked on a thick strand of hair. “Jesus, ow.”

“Shut up, it looks great.”

Holding up a mirror to your hair, you shook your head.“It looks like I got in a fight with a rabid animal and lost.”

Ellie laughed again, her grip going weak as she flopped backwards onto her bed. Shaking out the rest of your hair, Joel watched you lay down next to her, trying to catch your breath as you wiped tears from your eyes. You looked at each other in the dim pink light, twin grins on your faces.

“Do you regret your offer now?” Ellie asked.

You shook your head. “No, not really.”

Joel pressed himself up against the wall in the hallway, smiling to himself. Things were so bad for so long. When things are bad enough for long enough, you think it’ll stay that way forever. You think it’ll never be good again. You think you’ve changed for the worse.

Joel often discounted himself, thinking that all that bad had done something irreversible to him– an insidious, evergreen thing that he wouldn’t be able to tear out of himself. 

But you– Ellie– his girls, you washed that away in him every new day with you. Soothed burns from a lifetime ago, siphoned out poison that felt like it had eroded him entirely. Things could still be good. He could be good for the two of you, at least. 

With time, everything heals. He was sure of it.

-

The only thing missing from your new home was a piano.

It was the last thing to move, and it took you, Joel, Tommy, and a few passersbys who were tired of watching the three of you struggle to carry it just a few houses down the street.

You were heartbroken when the move had thrown it badly out of tune. You could play, but you were hardly a professional, and you were at a loss as to how one was supposed to tune an 88-key piano. 

Joel watched you sit in front of it, hands steepled in front of your face after you had attempted to transpose a few songs you knew into something that sounded mildly similar, but it was no use. 

He put a hand on your back as you stabbed the keyboard in a few more places, fingers moving fluidly as you played different scales. The sound was twingy and grating.

“It’s alright, hon. We’ll fix it,” he murmured.

“It was already old to begin with. I should’ve known. You’d have to take the whole face off, tune each one… and with what, a wrench? I don’t even know what it’s supposed to sound like.”

Joel was quiet for a while, inspecting the front panel of the instrument as you continued to play out of tune melodies. “I’m pretty handy, ain’t I? It’s not rocket science. You know what it’s supposed to sound like, c’mon now. You know the thing like the back of your hand.”

When you didn’t respond, Joel left the room. You dropped your forehead onto the keyboard, cringing when it made a loud, angry sound. Maybe this was a sign. You should never have disturbed it. You had this one perfect thing, this piano that had fallen right into your lap when you had moved to Jackson. It had changed everything. It made you feel human again. It felt like a sign from the universe, one that reaffirmed the creeping fear that you could only have so many good things and that you certainly never deserved them all.

Joel pulled you from your stupor when he sat down on the bench next to you. He had a screwdriver in hand, silently putting himself to work on revealing the hammers and the pin block. You didn’t lift your head from your hands until he started tapping on middle C, then crudely turning the tuning pin with a striking wrench until the sound was clear and in tune.

“Stop, stop, don’t touch it– that's it,” you said with your hand on his wrist.

He nodded, and you weren’t even sure he recognized the wave of relief that washed over your expression. He just went onto the next, D, until you signaled for him to stop when you heard the correct sound.

Joel sat with you for hours as the two of you worked on it. You took over after a while, making him play different chords on his guitar to ensure the sounds were matching up on the black and white keys together. You were almost certainly driving the neighbors insane, hitting the same notes over and over again until muscle memory kicked in and it sounded like it was right.

It was an amateur's job, undoubtedly. Any trained musician would probably be horrified by your heavy handedness, your unreliable ear for the notes, Joel’s corroboration on the guitar– it wasn’t perfect. To you, though, it was. By the time you had adjusted every tuning pin, it sounded better than it ever had before.

Tired and driven a little crazy from the incessant noise, you and Joel sank down into the couch. The main panel still needed to be reattached, the floor cleaned from loose sheet music and tools, but it didn’t matter. He wrapped his left arm around you like he always did, placing a gentle kiss onto your forehead.

“Told you,” he chided. 

“Thank you. I love you.”

You dropped your head into the warm crook of his neck, and he didn’t say anything back. He didn’t have to. He’d been telling you he loved you for the past three hours, in his own secret language that enveloped you and hummed quietly in the air. I’d do anything for you, it said, whether it be peeling your orange or fixing your old piano or falling on his own sword. For you, I would. I would I would I would.

“Don’t have to thank me, m’just glad you’re happy.”

You didn’t have much left to repay him with. You don’t think you’d ever be out of debt with him, for giving you everything. You would have to make it up to him. 

-

With your piano renewed and that nagging empty feeling confidently shut out of your head, you and Ellie practiced together like mad. She was insistent on rehearsing the songs she had picked for her recital until they were entirely flawless. 

You forced her to set a date to show Joel out of fear that she’d never come to a point where she felt satisfied with herself. He went out with Tommy that day, promising he’d bring something back for the two of you, which signaled that he would be gone for the afternoon and into the evening.

You braided Ellie’s hair, fixed up your new home together, and taught her how to bow at the end of her very informal performance. She was refreshingly giddy and excited, telling you over and over again how surprised Joel would be. 

“He already knows you’re good, hon,” you reminded her.

“Yeah, but I’m like super fucking good now. Bet he doesn’t know what my dainty little lady fingers can do.”

You laughed, pulled her in close to your side, and agreed before she asked to practice one more time before he got home.

When you heard him at the door that remained permanently unlocked, you were in the middle of dragging two chairs from the kitchen into the living room to position by the piano. You greeted him, and he kissed you long and slow, grabbing you from behind.

“You look nice. Really pretty, darlin’. Why’re all the lights off? Am I forgetting somethin’?” He said, a hint of concern in his low voice.

You shook your head and pulled yourself away from him. “No. We have a surprise for you,” you revealed. “Go up and change into something nice. We’ll be down here.”

You could see the gears turning in Joel’s mind, leafing through his recollection of birthdays and anniversaries and any other thing he could think of that would warrant a surprise.

“Everything’s fine, Joel. Better than fine. Good. It’s just us.”

He put his hands up in surrender before disappearing up the stairs. 

You sat next to Ellie on the piano bench, wrapping both of her hands up in yours. A single, loose french braid ran down her head and spilled over onto her shoulder. A few stubborn flyaways curled up around her temple and framed her face. 

“You look perfect. You’ll be great. It’s Joel, anyway, you could play Baa Baa Black Sheep and he’d give you a standing ovation.” You smiled.

She nodded, smiling alongside you. “Yeah, I know.”

Tears pricked at the corners of your eyes, so you pulled her into a long hug before letting them fall. The universe worked in funny ways, you thought. You had Ellie to thank for bringing Joel here, and Maria for forcing her into trivial music lessons after music had become little more than obsolete after the world had come to a screeching halt.

But mostly, you wanted to thank her for showing her so much good. For reminding you that some things, the most important things, never really did fade.

“Thank you. For everything.”

“Yeah… you’re welcome. For whatever I did.”

Joel came down the stairs slowly, evident that he was tired and his right side was bothering him again. He had a hand on the healed scar on his abdomen when he entered the living room, dressed in fresh jeans and a green button down.

“Surprise!” Ellie exclaimed. “You have to listen to my ‘recital.’ Just sit back and enjoy, old man.” She grinned.

“Oh man, this is a surprise. Y’all should’ve told me about this,” he said, making his way over to one of the kitchen chairs that were placed a few feet away from the piano. “I’m all ears. Play away, kiddo.”

You took your seat next to Joel, and he grabbed your hand to squeeze it. When you looked over to him as Ellie played the preamble to Uptown Girl, his eyes were a little shiny. 

She played like a true pianist. You’d heard her set a million times, but the smile on Joel’s face made something heavy and light all at the same time catch in your chest. You couldn’t quite describe the feeling– pride? Contentment? Honest, pure happiness? Whatever it was, it felt good. You felt whole.

Joel couldn’t help but laugh at the 180 switch to the Jurassic Park Theme after giving her raucous applause for the first song. She giggled her way through it, too, and so did you. If she missed a beat or her finger slipped on a key, she just kept playing, nodding along with the fractured beat. 

He was leaning back in his seat when she hit the first few notes of Ain’t Too Proud To Beg, but soon perked up. 

“This is a good one, El. A good one, damn. The Stones covered this one, right?”

“Shut up, I’m concentrating,” she quipped. 

I know you wanna leave me

But I refuse to let you go

If I have to beg and plead for your sympathy

I don’t mind, ‘cause you mean that much to me

You smiled, seizing your opportunity to grab him by the hand and pull him up and out of his seat. He humored you, taking you by the waist to sway around the living room with you.

Now I heard a cryin’ man is half a man

With no sense of pride

But if I have to cry to keep you

I don’t mind weepin’

If it’ll keep you by my side

Your laughter melted and swam in the air along with the music, nearly toppling each other over when he lifted your arm to spin you around. You both sang along with the tune of the music as Ellie played, and she glanced over her shoulder at the two of you with a smile spread wide across her face. 

Ain’t too proud to beg, sweet darlin’

Please don’t leave me girl

Ain’t too proud to plead, baby, baby

Please don’t leave me girl

You pressed your back up against his frontside and he wrapped both arms around you from behind while he swayed along with you. You looked up over your shoulder, and he met you with a sweet kiss.

Both of you applauded wildly when Ellie finished, and she stood up to give a very haphazard bow, as you’d taught her.

“Sit back down, I wanna hear that one again. Man, you’re too good,” Joel said, coming over to her to ruffle the top of her head. “You killed it, darlin’. Keep goin’.”

Going for the encore, you and Joel rocked to the music in each other’s arms. You faced him this time, your arms resting on his shoulders while his found your waist again.

“You did good, baby. This is… I’m so glad you’re here,” he whispered.

“She’s here because of you. We both are, if you think about it.”

He nodded, his dark eyes glistening in the light again. “Yeah… don’t know what I did to deserve it.”

You kissed his lips, drawn out and lovingly, smiling against them. “You deserve the world, Joel Miller.”

He laughed quietly as he shook his head, fully pulling you into his arms. He dropped his head onto your shoulder and clung to the fabric of your shirt. “I love you. Just… so much.”

At last, you thought– maybe there was only one universe. Only one life. One chance to cry and sing, to love and be loved, to feel the ground beneath your feet and say I am here for a reason. I can be good. Get better. A hundred thousand days of sun, sleepless nights below heavenly stars, a few more cold winters to get through. I am here with him, in this universe, where we’ve both changed. Been able to know each other. 

You had no clue if you’d get only one or if you’d get ten thousand more. If all of your lives would have Joel in them, finding him as your neighbor or your best friend or as a stranger across an ocean. You hoped you’d always find him, in one way or another. 

But if all you got was this one– just this one hard, beautiful life, one chance to hear the music–

It would be enough for you.

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