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bubbles-for-all-of-us · 1 year

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The storms within us

summery: Joel is out on patrol when a snowstorm hits, leaving Ellie longing to be in her dad's presence again. You try to bring a bit of happiness to her by surprising her with the DVD's that you found. But will that be enough or the comfort that she needs can only be brought by Joel himself?

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Ellie stood in front of her bedroom window. It was pitch black outside. The lanterns in the streets were little help against the amount of snow that was blazing. She enjoyed snowy nights, but not on days like this. Because in a way, it didn't feel right for Ellie to cozy up in her window nook and read or sit by the fire downstairs while you knit. No, she couldn't. Not with Joel out on patrol in weather like this.

Ellie's mind was as frantic as the snowstorm outside. What if Joel slipped? What if he didn't hear someone coming when the wind was so strong? What if he was somewhere slumped up against the tree, freezing to death? A cold shiver ran down Ellie's back at that thought. In the beginning, she hated herself for becoming so dependent. So attached. So needy for the love you and Joel gave her. But she couldn't help it. Every cell in her body craved it. A warm embrace. A kiss on the forehead. A laugh over dinner. A warm smile that greeted her. Proud looks on your and Joel's faces when she did well in school.

You and Joel made her feel like she wasn't a broken kid after all. Not just an unlovable orphan. No, she was enough. That's what you always told her. "Look in the mirror, you're a worrier. The strength you hold in your heart is beyond this world, bean", you would mutter in her hair while squeezing her shoulders. Even when Ellie didn't believe it herself, you always made her feel like she could. Could be enough. But Ellie was more like Joel. She also preferred to let her emotions go in silence. Ellie still remembered how she stumbled back downstairs to get a glass of water, giving up on sleep after two hours of tossing and turning.

She found Joel sitting on the sofa with his arms on his knees, just staring ahead. Ellie thought about turning back, but instead, she walked closer to Joel. She waited for him to question why she wasn't sleeping. Why was she out of bed at such late hours of the night? But instead, Joel stretched out an arm towards her, inviting her into his embrace. Ellie had never moved quicker. Curling up into his side, Joel wrapped her up in his strong arms. A gentle kiss grazed her forehead. They didn't talk. But they didn't have to. They knew about their demons and why they were up in the first place. Words would just make it cheap. However, their silence and the hold they had on one another spoke volumes.

"Oh, El, no, honey", your voice made the girl jump, snapping her out of her thoughts. You rushed forward, "You'll get sick, love. What were you doing?" After closing the fully open window, you turned to her. Not mad - worried. Ellie didn't remember when she had opened it. Nor did she feel the bitter cold or the snow hitting her cheeks. You quickly moved your sleeve up your palm, dabbing her cheeks dry. "Is Joel back?", Ellie muttered under her breath. Your heart swelled. The past day has been extremely difficult for Ellie. She seemed fine at first, but then her worries seemed to grow at an astronomical speed. Not to mention the look on her face when the snowstorm broke out.

"Not yet, baby. But I'm sure they are making their way back", yet this answer no longer satisfied the longing need to see Joel back home. The patrol shift was supposed to change twelve hours ago. Twelve. And it hadn't because they hadn't come back. What if they never come back? What if no one would find them? What if she would never get to see him again? "Hey, hey, look at me," you said to the sight of Ellie's chest starting to rise more frantically as you gently cupped her face, "Bab, Joel is fine. Look where that man got us! If anyone is capable of coming back in this kind of weather, it's him", yet she just shook her head and said, "How can you be so sure? He could be dying out there", Ellie quickly gestured to the window.

She was extremely protective of you two. She began worrying about the smallest of things, and while it was adorable at first, you could see that it was what led her to overthink. "Who says that I'm sure?", you asked as you sat down on her bed, letting your own eyes wander toward the bitter cold. "I'm as scared. But you have to keep the faith. Emotions like this can quickly eat you up", you said quietly, as Ellie moved to sit beside you. "Remember the rule Joel and I told you about?", you questioned. Ellie nodded her head. You had first told her about it when Joel had to leave for the first time since you got to Jackson. Life in QZ was different, of course. Much more challenging than it was here. There, it was a miracle if you crossed a street without getting hit by someone.

Joel had gone on a smuggling trip that was supposed to be daylong at best. You had just started properly seeing each other then. He didn't come back for a whole week. You were ready to bury him. Weep for the loss of your loved one. Sure that he had either been shot by a soldier or was bitten by an infected. When you heard the door open, you were convinced that you were imagining it. When the street lights illuminated Joel's tired face, you thought that you had gone mad. But then all the emotion came rolling back, and you just strolled up to him, hitting his chest over and over again as you cried.

"You don't make promises of survival, but don't live like you're losing the one you love until you know that you are", Ellie rasped out. It was a sad rule. But the world wasn't the happiest place. "You've got to keep the love strong. He can feel it. Send him love, not fear, baby girl", you said, bringing Ellie closer to your chest as you squeezed her just a bit tighter. An action that she as well returned.

"Now let's go. I have something to show you", Ellie gave you a puzzled look but did not argue back. You had kept this tucked away from her birthday, but considering the situation now, you figured that this might be better timing. You handed Elie a corner of a white sheet, showing her how to tie it on the wooden beam before lifting the self-constructed pole toward the ceiling. Ellie watched you still. It reminded her of the projector in the main hall, but then again, it was a rare occasion that she went there.

"Any clue?", you asked her, but she just shrugged her shoulders. You've seen this side of her. The dissociated, scared girl. It broke your heart, but you were determined to change it. Stepping off the chair, you reached for a box that was placed by the fireplace. Handing it to Ellie and encouraging her to open it. She pulled the ribbon off. Lifting the lid off carefully.

"I've been collecting them for a while, and since you love movies and it's been a while… I thought we could have movie nights at home from now on", you said, watching as she turned different DVDs in her hands. A sense of sadness was still there, and you wondered if it was a good choice to show this to her now. Especially since you knew this would have been something she would have wanted to do with both you and Joel. "Oh, that's my favorite. Little Miss Sunshine. I'm convinced you would love it; it's quite funny, you know," you said, beaming at the sight of your favorite one. "Wanna watch that tonight?", you asked, but Ellie shook her head. "With dad", she muttered, putting the DVD to the side. You felt your own eyes starting to sting.

Reaching for her hand, you kneeled in front of her. Ellie wasted no time as she wrapped her arms around your neck as quiet sobs escaped her lips. You wrapped your hands around her as well, running your palms up and down her back. "Let it out, baby, let it out", you muttered into her hair. "What if I don't get to tell him that I love him?", she choked out, pulling away slightly. "Of course, you will. Many times. He's coming back, angel. You know why?", you asked, looking her in the eyes as she shook her head, "Because you are his whole world, and he just as much wants to tell you how much he loves you".

More tears spilled down Ellie's cheeks. She clung to your words. Letting herself see a glimpse of hope in them. You moved to stand up, letting go of her, and Ellie instantly reached for you again. "I'll be right back", you said gently. Quickly stepping back upstairs to ruffle through the drawers before getting back to the still-crying girl. "Put this on, baby", you told her, handing her one of Joel's warmer winter flannels. One of his favorites. One that he usually wore around the house. One that Ellie instantly recognized. She took it into her hands carefully, as if it was one of her most prized possessions. Pushing the material closer to her nose, Ellie breathed in the familiar smell. Smell that belonged to Joel. Smell that reminded her of home. That was part of her home. Slipping her arms through the sleeves, Ellie wrapped the material around herself. A wash of ease floated through her body. "Ravioli?", you asked, running your fingers through her hair. Hoping to make her eat at least something tonight. "With extra cheese?", Ellie asked, making you let out a quiet laugh, "Say no more, bean".

Empty plates were now laid out on the side table, cleaned to the last bit. A random finding about the galaxy was played on the screen. Ellie's eyes were focused on the movie that played. She seemed calmer. You were laying on your side, with Ellie in front of you. Your arm was protectively wrapped around the girl. She was playing with your fingers casually. Twisting the wedding band on your finger, slipping it off and on at times. You watched her carefully. Nuzzling just a bit closer.

"Do you think there's wind on the moon?", she asked you casually, her eyes not leaving the screen. "I doubt it, but they better have canned macaroni because what will you eat when you get there?", you tickled her side gently, making her chuckle slightly. "Well, isn't the moon just a giant cheese?", "Right, right, so you just need pasta shapes". Ellie shook her head with a giggle, pulling your arm closer to herself.

The room soon turned quiet. The fire was dying down slowly, but you didn't dare to move. Ellie had fallen asleep. It was an uneasy one, but it was better than nothing. You glanced at the door quickly. Letting your mind wander for a moment. You didn't want to let the thought of Joel not coming fully set it, but then again, you couldn't help it. Pushing those thoughts to the back of your head, you settled down yourself. Letting the sound of Ellie's breathing lull you into a slumber.

Joel hadn't stopped thinking about you two ever since the snowstorm started. He feared. Not because he was freezing, but because he knew you two were worried sick. He wished there would have been a way to reach you. Let you know that he was well. He and Tommy stopped by an abandoned farm when it all picked up. He wasn't just wandering through the woods. Joel needed you to know that he was coming back. That he would always come back. "They are fine, Joel,", Tommy cut into the train of thought that Joel was lost in. "You don't know them as I do", Joel argued back. A silence fell around them until Joel raised his hands to blow warm air at his palms, "And I didn't even say goodbye to Ellie", "Joel, she will be fine". Yet Joel knew Ellie was probably far from well. Of course, you were with her. That he was thankful for, and he knew that she would find peace in you, but he hated being the reason why she would be feeling worried. Joel found himself in Ellie. Found a purpose to live.

When he finally stumbled back to Jackson, he didn't give the rest of the crew a second glance. Not caring much about giving reports. Some of them tried to call after him, but Tommy just shook his head and said, "Let him go; he's needed at home". It was an odd feeling. For some reason, Joel found himself wondering. What if you two weren't there? What ifs were the most dangerous questions for a reason. They could make any, even the strongest one, crumble slightly.

Fidgeting with the key, Joel stepped inside, quickly closing the door behind him in an attempt to keep the cold out of the place. The house seemed quiet, but then again, it was past 3 a.m., if not later. Joel shrugged off his damp jacket. Making his way deeper into the house. His stomach rambled; he hadn't eaten properly in over a day. But first, he had to see you two. Had to make sure that you were well. That you were here. That everything was just how he left it the morning he left.

Joel's eyes first fell onto the big makeshift screen that still had a movie playing on it. Different planets were twirling around the screen, illuminating the room in a dim, blueish light. Stepping closer, he looked over the back of the sofa. Heart skipped a beat at the sight. His precious girls cuddled up together. Joel noticed the grip Ellie had on you first. Even in her sleep, she was holding onto you as if you were about to slip away. Then he noticed a slight frown on her face and the flannel that she wrapped herself in. His flannel. Joel's jaw clenched in an attempt to keep his emotions at bay. How worried would she have been if you had offered her his shirt to wear?

Stepping in front of Ellie, Joel kneeled carefully. Brushing his fingers through the stray hair that had fallen onto her face. She stirred instantly as if sensing his presence. Eyes opened ever so slightly, "Dad?", she muttered, Joel's heart nearly jumping out of his chest. He knew that she referred to him like that while talking to you, but she had never said it straight to his face. "Yeah, baby girl, I'm here", Joel said, smiling softly. "Dad…", Ellie almost cried out this time, tiredly reaching out for Joel. "It's okay, I've got you", he muttered in response. Bearing out to embrace her, "Easy sweet girl", he tried to soothe her fears as he held her close to him.

"Don't leave me", Ellie's arms wrapped around Joel's shoulders as she clung to him even more, "Why would I? I'll be here when you wake up; I'll hold you till you fall asleep", her hands gripped him even closer. Joel didn't even think about letting go. He needed to ground himself. Rocking her slightly, Joel smiled when Ellie's breathing evened out a little. "Bring her to our bed", the sound of your voice made him look up. Your eyes were tired, yet you smiled at him as if he was one of the world's wonders.

Joel reached out for your hand, which you took instantly, squeezing it gently. "You two are okay?", he asked before carefully standing up with Ellie in his arms. You gathered up the blanket that kept you two warm for the night, "Now that you're here, we are", to which Joel gave you a knowing look before nodding for you to step up the stairs first. He was here, and he was going to shelter you two from the wildest of storms. More than ready to go that extra mile to keep you both safe.

Joel laid Ellie in the middle of the bed, and you quickly pulled a blanket over her body. "Are you laying on my other side?", Joel asked, and you shook your head. "She needs us tonight, well, you mostly, but I think it's better if she stays in the middle", Joel nodded his head. Coming up to your side, cupping your face as he leaned in to kiss you softly. Breathing you in before wrapping his arms around you for the first time that night, "You seriously need to stop disappearing, or I'll grow gray myself", Joel chuckled slightly at your words, "Can't have that. There's only one space for a silver fox in this house".

#joel miller x reader #joel miller imagine #joel x ellie #the last of us imagine #the last of us x reader #joel miller x you #pedro pascal x reader

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starry-eyes-love · 7 months

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Chapter 3: Even Tough Hearts Break Under Pressure

Masterlist

Pairing: Joel x F!Reader (18+, Minors DNI)

Summary | While healing up from your miscarriage, Joel and you have some tender moments alone in the bedroom, one of which spirals Joel out of control emotionally where he has a panic attack outside You see a side of Joel you’ve never seen before and you honestly don’t know what to make out of it. One thing’s for certain you realize that even the toughest of hearts will break under pressure.

Warnings | 18+, Minors DNI, reference to miscarriage (slight at the beginning), language, fluff, angst while person (Joel) is having a panic attack, sexual references, age gap (no age stated in this chapter), slow burn, reference to smut without having smut, reference to child dying previously (slight), slight pregnancy reference (if you squint), reference to rough sex (if you squint), tender moments, sweet name calling (baby, honey, sweet girl, darlin’, etc), descriptions of body type, argument between Ellie and Joel.

Word Count: 6k

“Joel, honey. Are you ok?” you said as you slowly ran your hand up and down the center part of his chest. As you did you saw his eyes snap open and look at you sternly. His breathing quickened again and you felt his cock strain and twitch hard against your leg, one that you slyly placed in-between his legs.

Joel was nice and gentle with you when you went through horrible pain and bleeding from a miscarriage. You finally passed a large sized blood clot on the fifth night, and it was then that your pain and bleeding had finally started to slow down a bit so you could rest. You were still really dizzy and lightheaded, Joel said that was because you were anemic from all the blood loss that had happened. You were hemorrhaging really bad for the first few days and finally you were grateful that your bleeding slowed down to a regular period flow. Joel told Ellie and you that until you felt well enough to travel, the three of you were going to stay in the cabin.

During the course of the next week, Ellie tried convincing Joel that the three of you needed to stay at the cabin until spring. One evening you had heard Joel and Ellie get into a horrible heated argument about it. You were laying in one of the queen sized beds sleeping when all of a sudden you were startled awake hearing Ellie yell “the snow is too deep Joel, we’re gonna get fucking hypothermia and die if we try going through it.”

You heard Joel yell back "Ellie, lower your voice and watch your god damn language. And for the record, we're sitting ducks out here, if someone shows up we're all dead."

“No one knows we’re here Joel, no ones been through here in like over 10 years or else this place would have been picked clean.”

“Ellie, you don’t know that. We’re now using the fireplace. People can see the smoke, and you know what that means” Joel said with a slight bite in his voice.

“You know what Joel, have you ever heard of the saying take the positive thing that life throws at ya, huh? This is positive Joel, a fucking gold mine if we allow it. And for the record, we’re dead if we leave anyways so it doesn’t matter. So why not make it easier on all of us, huh? Let us stay-”

You heard Joel yell back “Don’t back talk to me, what I say goes, remember? You agreed and plus I’m the adult and you’re the god damn child. Remember, the rules I have are the things that have kept us all alive. But you know what, if ya don’t like it you can leave at anytime. I won’t fucking stop ya.”

“You know what Joel, fuck you” you heard Ellie scream at him and then storm past your bedroom door and slam the door to her bedroom.

With your eyes closed you slowly exhaled at hearing that full argument. Sometimes you just wished Joel would stop running his fucking mouth and listen for a second. Ellie may be a teenager, and she may not have been communicating it perfectly, but she was right. When you didn’t hear any more commotion in the living room you decided to attempt to relax into the mattress to get some more sleep. You figured you could address this problem later when you had a little more energy. You were exhausted still sleeping about 16 hours a day right now, and your skin still looked really pale in color from all the blood loss.

After a moment of relaxing you felt that familiar sag of the mattress next to you, followed by two knees creaking and a huff from Joel as his back muscles tensed. Joel had been sharing a room with you ever since the two of you started sleeping here at the cabin because of how sick you had gotten. Joel would only leave your side during the day to go get food, scout the area, etc. while Ellie would lay with you in the bed and watch you.

You were laying on your side facing the middle of the bed when Joel had laid down. After a moment of allowing him to get settled you decided to slowly open your eyes and look at him. He was laying on his back looking straight up at the ceiling, brows scrunched together tight like he was in deep thought.

“You know, she’s right” you said after a moment while looking at Joel.

Joel exhaled slowly and said “yeah I know she’s right about the snow. But I don’t like having to stay here just in case people show up.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about Joel” you had said. “Yes, she’s right about that, but I’m talking about when she told you to fuck off. She was right to tell you that.”

You watched Joel turn on his side to face towards you and tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear while saying “now why did ya go and say something like that darlin?”

“You know why” you say curling yourself up tighter as a shiver runs down your spine. You kept getting periodic shivering episodes recently, like you couldn’t get warm enough, even if you were sleeping right next to the fire. Joel saw this and tucked himself closer to you draping the blanket he had over himself overtop of your other blanket, in an attempt to help conserve your body heat. As he did that he said, “enlighten me sweet girl, why is she right?”

“She’s right in calling you an asshole and telling you to fuck off” you said as your body slowly started to warm up.

“She never called me an asshole darlin’” he said quietly as he tucked you in closer to his chest for you to go to sleep.

“No, you’re right” you said with a yawn as you snuggled closer into the warmth and safety of his chest. “I called you that, and it’s still the truth.”

You heard Joel silently laugh out loud while saying “you’re awfully sassy for someone who’s always so tired. Now go to sleep sweet girl, ya need your rest.” And with that you started drifting off to sleep. Right before you fell fully asleep you thought you heard Joel say, “and for the record, you’re both right.”

The next day Ellie gave Joel the silent treatment. Joel felt a lot of remorse as he didn’t mean to tell Ellie that she should leave. In fact, the only reason why he had said what he said was because at the time he was upset that Ellie wouldn’t listen to him, but he was still wrong for saying what he said. By the end of the next night, Joel and Ellie had finally made up all the way were they were back to their normal selves bantering back and forth. After listening to Ellie, and hearing Joel spend most of the previous night not sleeping, Joel had finally caved and agreed to stay there in the cabin for the next few months until spring hit. Ellie was right, trying to hike across the mountains in the middle of the winter in the snow proved to be very difficult, especially this winter as Mother Nature kept dumping large amounts of snow onto the landscape. Joel couldn't complain much as his back and knees were killing him from traipsing through the wilderness in at least 10 feet or more of unpacked snow all the time. So you three decided to stay until spring.

When you started feeling better both Ellie and you had started going through the rooms and going through storage containers to find out what you all had for supplies. Joel went out scouting further around the perimeter to see what was around and if it truly was safe. From what you figured, the cabin was abandoned and hadn't had anyone living in it for a very long time, like 10 years or more. There were a total of 3 rooms with beds, a whole pile of clothes left behind, which all three of you grabbed, several weapons, and some canned food. Two bedrooms had queen size beds, and one room had a twin bed. All three mattresses still looked good for being older. Joel and you continued to share a room together until you were finally well enough not to need constant care. One afternoon Joel had walked into the bedroom you both shared and he saw that you were starting to pack up your bag to head to your own room.

"Think you're well enough to be in your own room tonight?" Joel asked as he watched you pack up your stuff.

"Your back is hurting you and you've barely slept Joel, you need your rest" you replied.

"Back's not hurtin' that much darlin'. You can stay in this one with me….or…I’ll move if you want me to" he said softly. He secretly was hoping that you’d agree to stay and keep sleeping next to him.

Your back was turned when he said this but you felt your heart ache for how soft he sounded. You wanted to say yes to staying with him in the same room but you also knew Joel. One minute he could be warm, friendly, loving, caring and the next he could be quiet, moody, and cold. You used to be afraid of him, but through time you learned to love this insanely big old broody man that you were traveling with. So you contemplated your answer, and then settled for trying something new as a response, because honestly you needed a break from the on again off again relationship you two were having. You wanted him to see you, to yearn for you, to need you all the time, just like you needed him. But he was always stuck in that god forsaken head of his, getting in the way of his feelings and desires. So one time he would be nice and then the next not so nice.

“Joel, honey" you said with a soft and tender voice. "I know your back is hurting you badly baby, and I don’t like seeing you restless while you’re sleeping. You’ve hardly gotten any sleep since we’ve gotten here. How about, for just a few nights, I sleep in one of the other rooms so you can get some proper rest, huh? And then if you want, I can come back and sleep next to you. How does that sound?”

The two of you remained in silence as you finished up packing your stuff. You’ve never used pet names with him before, not ever. He was always using them on you. You didn’t know if you were poking the bear, where an explosion would happen, or if the use of those names was something that he would like. As the silence continued, you felt your heart hammering harder in your chest waiting for Joel's reaction. After 2 minutes of silence, which honestly felt more like 2 hours by how nervous you felt, you finally turned around and looked at him. But what you saw was not what you were expecting.

As Joel stood there looking back at you, he was honestly shocked at what you had said to him, at what you called him. Those words, 'honey' and 'baby,' kept going over and over through his head. Those were the same words that he called you, but it felt different to hear them from your lips, it felt deeper and more passionate. At first, when he heard those words he felt upset because the last person who had said those things to him was Sarah’s mom, and he didn’t want to remember or think of her right now.

While he continued to stand there in silence, he slowly started looking up and down your body, really admiring your features. Your eyes, both fierce but yet kind and beautiful. He could get lost looking into those beautiful brown eyes of yours. Your lips; nice, soft, and plump. Lips that he missed kissing, but also ones that he loved hearing those filthy words and sass come out of. You were a pistol to deal with, but he loved every minute of it. Your beautiful curves, ones that he craved to touch, to feel underneath his calloused fingers. Curves he craved to intertwine his body with, nip and bite along. Curves that temporarily carried his child. Something he didn’t think would ever happen again, but something that he desperately wanted to do again with you. But that was a feeling he kept hidden behind his tough exterior. And then there was your ass. God, you had a gorgeous ass. He wondered what it would feel like to smack, grab, and take it from behind. He wondered what sounds you would make when he could finally fuck you properly in a bed, like the one you were currently standing next to.

The longer he looked, the more tension started to fill the air between you two. He noticed that you looked at him confused at first, but then he saw you slowly scan him up and down too. His hands flexed at his sides, as a way to ease the sexual tension that he was feeling. He hadn't relieved himself for a while, and he knew he'd need to soon. But somehow touching himself didn't feel as good anymore compared to being buried inside of you. He ground his teeth while inhaling and exhaling slowly. He was struggling, struggling not to give in to his animal instinct. He wanted to grab you, slam you up against the wall and fuck you hard. He had a desperate need to consume you, to make you his in every possible way. But he couldn’t, not with Ellie a few feet away in another room.

When he noticed your eyes stopped moving and that you were staring at his hips, he knew what you were seeing. His cock was rock hard and straining hard against his pants. It didn't help that his pants were also tighter on his toned legs and ass. He always had a construction worker's build because he used to do construction all those years ago. He took good care of his body, though his tummy wasn't as hard as it once was. He was a man in his 50s, with salt and pepper hair, bad knees, and a back that was always sore. His body had some wear and tear with it, that was for sure, but he still knew how to please a woman. And by the way you were looking at him, he was about two seconds from throwing all logical thought out of the window and just fall into bed with you and properly worship your body the way you so desperately needed and deserved.

As he stood there admiring you he felt his cock twitch in his pants. It was desperate and needy for some attention and you looking straight at it while licking your lips wasn't helping him. After a moment of watching you he had to take a steadying breath. He had to calm down before he lost all logical thought and give in to this need to have you. He closed his eyes to try to relax, to will the tension in his muscles to relax so his cock would stop twitching and throbbing so bad. He knew it wouldn’t take long for him and if he wasn’t careful, he'd have to explain to you of why it only took a few strokes before he came undone in front of you. He knew he'd be coming like a god damn horny teenager, and this fact alone made him feel embarrassed. He wasn't a teenager that could only last for a few pumps, he was a man that knew what women needed and wanted. But somehow with you in this room, looking the way that you were looking and standing next to that bed, his thoughts were racing like a 14 year old adolescent horny boy.

With his eyes closed he could sense your approach. Your warmth surrounded him, gave him protection and peace in a life that had none of that anymore. He could smell your sweet flower scent. Something that used to drive him nuts as he didn’t know where you had that scent from, until he realized that it was just you. He also could smell your arousal, it smelled citrusy and fruity, but not in a bad way. It was just the hint of it in the air. Most people could never smell things like that, but that was one of the many gifts Joel had with women. This gift he remembered he had as a teenager, and it was a bitch going through school with teenage girls who struggled with arousal all day long. But yours was different. It called to him in a different way.

As you approached Joel, you saw him tense, and his breathing changed to becoming labored. God, he looked like he was in pain, and you didn’t understand why just calling him honey and baby would do that. Maybe it was a tick about Joel that was a turn on, but you knew that wasn’t it either. Something was going on in that brain of his and you couldn’t tell what it was. You knew better than to pry though. Joel can sometimes be such a big pain in the ass you thought, especially when feelings were involved. But that was a different conversation with him on a different day, when you were feeling up to wanting to try to crack through that tough exterior of his.

While you were up close to Joel and you saw it in his eyes that he looked absolutely wrecked. He was twitching hard beneath his pants, and you figured that his pained expression was coming from the hardness between his thighs. When was the last time this man truly took care of himself you thought. You wanted to reach out and help relieve that ache he was having, but with Ellie just a few feet outside of the door, you knew that you couldn't right now. So to help soothe him you took both of your hands and rubbed them slowly down both of his arms. As you did that you watched him take a shaky breath. When you got to his hands, you gently squeezed them and then whispered softly in his ear, “baby, you gotta relax, you’re way too tense.” Then you released your hands and took a step back to give him some room to breathe.

Joel stood there and glared at you for a moment, and then he took his hand and ran it down the length of his face exhaling with a shaky breath saying “I can’t relax baby.” He then looked around the room, as if thinking intently about something, before he dropped his eyes back down at you, and then the floor. After a few moments of silence, Joel nodded his head and reached down to picked up his pack. Then while walking out of the bedroom he said “you can take this room, I’ll take the one across the hall.” You watched him throw his pack in the room across the hall and then stormed outside, right past Ellie who gave him a quip about how hard he was breathing. He never looked at her nor said anything to either of you in return. He just left the cabin by slamming the door.

After Joel had left, Ellie had turned to you frustrated and said “what’s up his ass today?” You gave a gentle smile because you knew. It was you that created the tension at the moment and you smiled to yourself knowing it. Joel didn’t yell at you because he wanted the attention you gave him. It was in this moment you understood, his outbursts at you periodically were coming from a man who didn’t know how to relax or how to process his emotions or need for you. You could tell by the way he looked wrecked in the bedroom and his cock twitching hard against your leg that he wanted you badly, but you weren't going to explain that to Ellie. You kept this knowledge to yourself. So while standing there looking at the outside door where Joel had just stormed out moments ago you said with a smirk to Ellie “I've honestly got no idea."

Joel's POV:

I can't fucking do this, I can't fucking do this anymore, Joel thought to himself as he stormed out of the cabin. He felt his heart race and beat hard against his chest, too hard. He felt the panic set into his mind. Thoughts of I can’t keep her safe, this isn’t gonna work kept running through him at an alarming fast pace. With each stomp of his boot in the snow, another panicked thought would emerge. He had to get away, away from the cabin in order to just think, even for just a second.

His body was drenched in nervous sweat, and his mind was racing, thinking about all the ways he couldn’t keep you safe. He was panicking. Joel Fucking Miller was having a god forsaken panic attack. Something that he hasn't had for a very long time, and something he doesn't remember how to cope with. He was broody, an asshole to you because he needed to keep his heart guarded. He couldn’t just let anyone in because if he did, he would feel these emotions rise to the surface and drown him. That feeling that he couldn’t keep his loved ones safe, and it paralyzed him.

He remembered he couldn’t stop the depression that happened with Sarah’s mom, and she left him when Sarah was 6 months old. His love for Tess, he couldn’t stop her from getting infected and leaving this Earth when she did. And then there was Sarah, his baby girl. He couldn’t stop that bullet from killing her. He remembered cradling her in his arms as she took her last breaths. How he thought he had failed as her father because he couldn’t keep her safe from the pain of this world. How he had broken his promise to her from the day she was born telling her ‘you ain’t gotta worry little one, daddy will always be here to protect you. I promise little girl, I will always be there to save you if you fall.’ And now, he felt the panic hit him hard again as he remembered that he couldn’t save her, and how he almost lost you. How the hell was he going to save you and keep you safe when he couldn't even save his little girl.

Joel was about half a mile from the front door of the cabin when his legs finally gave out and he hit the snow with a hard thud as he fell to his knees. He heard himself let out a broken sob as tears finally streamed down his face at the feeling of losing yet another baby a few weeks ago. He didn't allow himself to feel anything while you went through your miscarriage, you tucked into his chest for warmth and safety. He held you, let you cry it out, and listened to you as your heart ached for losing a baby, his baby.

He never intended to knock you up that night. It was his birthday and he was lonely for the warmth of a woman, he was lonely for you. God he craved you so bad, still does. That night you were threatening to leave and he couldn’t live with himself if you left him because you thought he hated you. He adored you, and honest to God he was starting to fall in love with you.

And when he finally realized his deep feelings for you it scared the living hell out of him because he knew he shouldn’t open his heart again like this to someone in this world. He couldn’t help it though, you were so kind, gentle, and pure. You were the one thing that could calm his internal storm, the one that was now raging out of control within him. He thought that if the world hadn’t gone to shit he would have asked you out on a date and courted you properly. You two would have gotten to know each other properly and then eventually the two of you would may have slept together in his bed, in his pickup truck, on the dryer, on the couch, in the garage, etc. Hell, he even thought that maybe if everything would have been right, he would have asked you to move in and then maybe even eventually marry him, if you’d have him. But the problem was he wasn’t living in that type of world anymore. There were no more dates at the movies, no more late night huggin’, kissin’, or fuckin’ in his truck. There were no more proposals or no more marriage ceremonies with honeymoons. There were no more trying to start a family or surprise pregnancy positive tests. There was no more holding your hand through pregnancy and watching his child be born. There were no more barbecues on a Saturday, where kids would play in the yard and all the adults would sit outside, slowly sipping beer, talking about work and what their kids were up to. There was none of that anymore in this world, and knowing this killed him inside. It killed him inside because he didn’t want this current hell of life for you. It didn’t matter to him, yes he missed life before but what killed him the most was knowing that he couldn’t give any of those milestones to you. He wanted a life with you and a family, but he couldn’t risk getting you pregnant again because it would mean death if it didn’t work out right.

He didn’t know how long he was sitting there on the ground with his knees in the snow. He couldn’t feel his lower legs anymore, the sting had finally subsided but he didn’t care. His eyes hurt from crying, but not as much as his heart hurt for you and the world you were living in. He was so lost in his own head that he never heard you approach him.

Female Reader’s POV:

After Joel stormed out of the cabin Ellie had played the 20 questions game with you trying to understand why Joel was upset. "Why did he storm out, what did you say to him, why is he always so moody with you, what were you guys doing?" With each question she asked your answer were always the same, "I don't know" or "we weren't doing anything, we were just talking."

After almost an hour of Joel being gone you started to get slightly worried. Something’s not right, you thought. Joel usually never leaves for this long of a period of time without checking in or saying where he's going. You stood up and looked over at Ellie and said “Kid, I’m gonna go see where Joel’s gone to, he’s been gone a little too long. Stay here, keep yourself safe.” As you left you noticed that Ellie was still ranting about men and how irritating they can be when you had grabbed your gun and walked out the door going to go search for Joel.

As soon as you stood outside you tried to see where Joel had gone. When you didn't see or hear him you felt panic set in for a moment. Where did he go, you thought. You started looking around in the snow to see where his footprints went. When you didn’t see any right by the cabin you started walking in a circle around the cabin look for prints. You happened to catch snowy footprints about 100 feet from the cabin’s front door and as you approached them you noticed that they were Joel’s. You decided to follow them to see where he went and you had to walk for a bit, winding between trees, before you came up upon him. You saw that Joel was on his hands and knees on the ground. At first you froze, wondering if he was sick or hurt. But then you heard him let out a broken sob and him saying “why does this hurt so much when they leave.” Without even thinking about what had happened you quickly made your way over to Joel. When you got by his side you got down on your knees, grabbed him, and slammed his body hard against yours into a firm and tight hug. “Shh, it’s okay, No one’s going anywhere baby. We’re all staying right here with you. I’m staying right here with you. I ain’t leavin’ you.” And when you told him that last line that you weren’t leaving him you felt him fall apart more in your arms.

You sat there holding Joel firmly in your arms, rocking him side to side, kissing his forehead, and brushing his hair away from his forehead. You had never seen Joel this broken before. He has always been the one person who's held it together all the time. He's always been the rock that Ellie and you have leaned against when things seemed hopeless. He's been the shoulder you two have cried on multiple times when the world has given you an unfair turn of events. He's been both of your protectors, knowing just what needed to be done. And he's been the biggest moodiest thorn in both of your sides constantly yelling at you both to have a firm upper lip. And yet now he’s here falling apart like a child in your arms and you didn't know what to do.

Joel had clung onto you for about 10 minutes, you were his lifeline that was tethering him to this Earth as sob after sob came out from his mouth. Joel Miller was falling apart in your arms and no matter what you said to him it wouldn’t quiet his sobs. So you just sat there holding him until he quieted himself down and cried all of his emotions out. What you didn’t know at the time was he was crying for Sarah’s mom, crying for his daughter that he lost, for Frank and Bill, for Tess, for the baby he just lost with a miscarriage, for Ellie, for Tommy, and also for you. He carried a large weight on his shoulders, never processing or dealing with his emotions until now.

After he was done he had pulled himself back and wiped the tears from his eyes saying “fuck, here I go yellin’ at you for always being so damn emotional when I’m sittin’ here cryin’ like a god damn baby that’s just been born.”

“No Joel, I think you’re cryin’ worse than that” you say with a slight smirk on your face.

He looks over at you with a slight scowl and states “thanks darlin’. You’re making me feel so much better” as he laughs slightly shaking his head while getting up from kneeling down in the snow.

“Just trying to lighten the mood, Joel” you say softly. Then you add “Joel, are you ok? I mean you were falling apart, I don’t know what it was all about but you obviously were dealing with some heavy shit. I know you may not want to talk, but you know.” You stopped and stared at him, not finishing the sentence of 'you know you could talk about it with me if you want.'

You noticed that Joel started to slowly grind his teeth again while thinking. He kept giving you periodic glances while brushing the snow off from his pants. He had walked over to pick up his gun and was checking it. You noticed that he kept periodically looking over at you, as if studying you a bit before he responds. You do everything you can to keep yourself calm for him, but you feel your heart pounding in your chest. Joel can either run hot or cold, and you don't know which way he was going to run right now, and all you hoped for was that it wasn’t cold.

Joel mulls over in his head what had just happened. He thought he was alone so he finally let his guard down fully, and allowed himself to feel everything that's been happening. He didn't think it had been that long he was gone, but he could tell by the initial look on your face that he was gone too long. He couldn't blame you for coming to look for him, hell he would have done the same thing. But God he felt embarrassed. Men his age are not supposed to fall apart like that and he didn't want you to think he was weak. He wanted you to think that he was strong, that he could carry the weight of this world on his shoulders and give you a safe place.

So after checking his ammo, Joel eventually placed the gun over his shoulder with the strap resting on his shoulder while reaching out to you with one hand and says "come m'er.” You stood there puzzled for a moment at his statement, cocking your head as you didn't understand what he just said or wanted. When you didn't do what he asked, with a little bit more bite in his voice he said “darlin’, don’t make me say it again, I said Come. Here” as he pulled you into a deep hug.

At first you stand there rigid not knowing what to do as you don’t want to upset him, honestly you are in unfamiliar terrority. Yes, Joel will hug you like this when you fall apart, but you’ve never dealt with Joel falling apart before. Joel could feel your rigid muscles and you hear him sigh against you, and you know by that sigh that he’s rolling his eyes at you being so tense. So you finally relax yourself into his embrace and allow yourself to be consumed by his presence. You hum quietly into his chest feeling content as you smell him. He smells like pine, musk, cinnamon, sweat, and Joel; your favorite smell. Right before he pulls you away he says “you mean everythin’ to me darlin’. Don’t you ever forget that, m’kay.” Then he pulls away from you and turns to walk back to the cabin alone.

After a moment of watching Joel walk up ahead of you, you go and pick up your gun that was against the tree, you check it like Joel has taught you, and then you trek back up the hill alone towards the cabin. When you finally reach the cabin you hear Ellie talking with Joel asking if he could help her get some firewood and start the fire in the fireplace because she was cold. He mumbles to himself stating "of course you’re cold" then he goes and grabs the ax. You offer to help him but he says “no baby, I got it, thank you though darlin'" and then he walks off alone to go chop down a few trees for firewood. When you hear him chopping at a tree a few feet into the woods you glance over at Ellie who looks at you and says “what the hell was that? And did Joel just say 'thank you' like what the fu-"

“I don’t know Ellie" you said interrupting her. "I have no idea” is all you say as you both glance towards the sound of Joel chopping down the tree. Truthfully you don’t know what the hell happened. You had never seen that side of Joel ever before, and you didn’t know if that was something that you were supposed to see. All you knew was that it now was going to be a few interesting months until spring, and honestly you couldn’t wait to see what would happen in this cabin by the woods.

-End Chapter-

Author Note: Thanks guys for reading this one. I know this one is mostly filler, but I wanted you guys to get a glimpse inside their heads as characters more and a chance for them to develop. I'm enjoying writing this and they're definitely more Chapters in the future. The next chapter is going to get spicy again with both Joel and the female reader.

Let me know if you want to be added to my tag list.

Tag list: @punkshort @shotgun-shelby @strawbunnyx @orcasoul @pedritoferg @chiogarza @jesfreedark

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