#KFAM ep2

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode Two: That Book Is Overdue, President Lincoln!

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[Podcast intro music]

Mayor Grisham [”sincere” politician voice] Stay vigilant, but most importantly: stay hopeful. And Tim, wherever you may be, just know that your friends, family, and everyone in King Falls is looking forward to your eventual, and safe return.

[KFAM rock intro music]

Sammy Good evening, I’m Sammy Stevens and you’re listening to 660 on the AM dial. Welcome to King Falls AM. I’m here with Ben Arnold-

Ben Again?

Sammy Yes, again, Ben! Uh my producer-slash-cohost, emphasis on cohost. Uh, that voice we just heard from was Mayor Grisham, of course, speaking out about the recent disappearance of Tim Jenson.

Ben If you or anyone you know has any information about Tim’s disappearance, we urge you to reach out to the King Falls Sheriff Department.

Sammy Now, on a lighter note, we’ve got a big show tonight, folks. We’ve got an interview with Emily Potter, who will be telling us all about the grand re-opening of the King Falls Library in just a few short days.

Ben [dully] Plus, a call from Doctor Raúl, later in the hour.

Sammy I can hear the excitement in your voice, Ben. You’ve got your Gunnin’-for-Network-News Underoos on today.

Ben Any network but Channel 13, Sammy! [quieter but with feeling] They can suck it.

Sammy Now, before we bring in the lovely Miss Potter, we’re going to—

Ben [dubious and laughing] Is she lovely?

Sammy Well, I mean, I haven’t met her, but I assume she’s a lovely person. Small-town librarian and all.

Ben Lovely— personality? Gotcha.

Sammy *slight laugh* It counts.

Ben That’s what they say.

Sammy So, okay. Before we bring in Miss Potter—

Ben Couldn’t help but notice you didn’t use any adjectives that time.

Sammy Ben, is there something on your mind?

Ben Not at all. It’s just that, our old librarian, Mrs.Kilpatrick, was not what you’d call a lovelyyy… *pff* anything. Lady got her scholarship in war-torn Nazi Germany, so I’m a bit apprehensive to call anyone running the town bookshack “lovely.” Can I just say? for the record? that Mrs. Kilpatrick used to place the “learn-to-draw” books in the reference section? [getting worked up] If anything, they were self-help books, and if a kid wants to check one out- learn how to draw Droopy the damn Dog- then maybe, they, should let him.

Sammy *chuckle* You’re not wrong, Ben, but maybe—

Ben [still worked up] I haven’t told this to anyone ever, but when I was a kid, [slightly quieter like sharing a secret] I was walkin’ down the aisles, and I saw that old whisper-Nazi put “Mein Kampf” in the children’s section, and she—

Sammy [cuts Ben off] Maybe! we can ask Miss Potter her opinions on the King Falls Hitler youth, uh, as well as opening up the phone lines to you, dear listeners, right after this commercial break.

[jaunty, polka-esque music]

Ernie [New York accent] ‘ey, I’m Ernie. Maybe your car your truck ain’t runnin’ so good. Maybe you thinkin’ you need a new one! I’m ‘ere to tell youse, that ain’t always the case. Maybe all you need is bring your car your truck down to Ernie’s Mufflers! Maybe you ask yourself, “ERnie, whateveR Do You mEan?” What I mean is: bring your car down to Ernie’s Mufflers. We’ll have a trained and/or certified technician check on all your whosies, your whatsies, and maybe get you and your car your truck feelin’ good again.

[music stops]

Announcer Ernie’s Mufflers! Come on down and ask about our King Falls AM discount.

[KFAM theme]

Sammy Welcome back folks, and thanks for tuning in to King Falls AM. Sitting in the studio with us this evening is— can I say lovely now, Ben?

Ben [awestruck] Stunning.

Sammy Is the lovely Miss Emily Potter. She’s here to talk more about the town’s library’s Grand Re-opening later this week, is that correct?

Emily It is! Aand thank you for having me on, Sammy, and Ben! I’ve been listening to you every night!

Ben [still awed] Beautiful.

Sammy Well, we certainly appreciate it. Now- if you don’t mind, catch me up to speed on why our fair town’s library was closed in the first place.

Ben [murmured]Gorgeous.

Sammy [softly prompting] Ben?

Ben *gasps* Hey! Sammy.

Emily Well, the library was closed due to renovation. It’s an older building, and—

Ben  [fast tour-guide-voice] Built by Francois Swindle, 1912. Largest brick-and-mortar structure in King Falls until 1918 when City Hall was built.

Emily Oh my gosh! you are exactly right, Ben! So smart.

Sammy Y’know, I’ve driven past it. It is a magnificent building, uh- So they’re just replacing some older fixtures, and what-have-you.

Emily Oh no, the top floor of the library was set on fire.

Sammy I’m sorry, purposely? Wh-who tries to burn down a library?

Emily Unfortunately that mystery is yet to be solved, but not for lack of trying. Sheriff Gunderson and Deputy Troy have been hard at work these past few months. Though, I think the bigger problem was the disappearance of Mrs. Kilpatrick.

Sammy [hold-up-now voice] Wait a second. The library was set ablaze. The old librarian, Miss Kilpatrick—

Ben God rest her soul.

Sammy -has disappeared. What is going on here? I mean, a-are there any leads? Y’know, other than Ben?

Ben [nervously] Hah! Good one, Sammy! *nervous laugh* What a kidder! I’m no-I’m not- I’m not sure why you’d say that, at this time.

Sammy Two words. Book. Shack. Uh, but- but I mean, seriously, folks. How many people are missing in this town?

Ben *clears throat* Emily- uh, c-can I call you Emily?

Emily Please do!

Ben Ca-can you tell the listeners anything that might- help shed some light on these subjects?

Emily Well, for weeks leading up to the fire, Mrs. Kilpatrick had been having… visions.

Sammy [skeptical] Visions.

Emily Yes. To the point where upper management had been talking about retirement. [hesitantly] I… I don’t know if we should be talking about this, with the investigation ongoing and all.

Sammy I think—

Ben [overly earnest] Maybe it could help, Emily- your words, your magnificent words, could be our best- last chance at saving- dear Mrs. Kilpatrick.

Emily [she sounds like a smile] You’re right, Benny.

Sammy Um…

Emily The vision she had was by the checkout desk? At first it was a shadowy figure carrying a book. Upon closer inspection— she realized it was actually [timidly] President Lincoln, who, she believed, was trying to check out a book.

Sammy [very skeptically] President- Abraham Lincoln.

Ben [mocking] Sixteenth president of the United States, geeeez Sammy, catch up, will ya?

Emily This went on every night at closing for close to a week. Until the second vision appeared.

Ben Go on.

Emily She watched from the second floor as President Lincoln brought the book to the front desk.

Sammy [clearly not buying it] Just by chance, uh, what book does a deceased president of the United States try to check out?

Ben “Twelve Years a Slave”, duhh.

Sammy Alright, too easy, Ben. How ‘bout, uh, “How to Lose Friends and Alienate People.”

Emily I don’t think-

Ben I like it, but I think Lincoln is probably more of a “Who Moved My Cheese?[1]” type.

Emily Privacy and all— I-I couldn’t say even if I wanted to.

Ben Yeah Sammy, privacy and all!

Sammy [sarcastic chagrin] Of course. Library-patient privilege, gotcha. So, please continue, Miss Potter.

Emily So, she watched from afar, quietly putting away the periodicals. Then, she felt a wind rush past her to the ledge. That’s, when she saawww—

Sammy What did she see?

Emily A vision of John Wilkes-Booth. Peering over the ledge, watching the president as he waited for a librarian that never came.

Ben Fascinating.

Sammy Okay—

Ben Oh here comes Mr. Skeptic- [aside] he didn’t believe in General Abilene— Lemme guess Sammy, you don’t believe in Presidents of the United States either? The Great Emancipator.

Sammy [peeved] Oh Ben, will you stop it. I’m just wary- that a ghost of—

Ben and Emily Vision.

Sammy Right. Eh- That a vision of President Lincoln and his assassin would be wandering the halls of King Falls Public Library, that’s all.

Emily I understand your reticence to believe in the visions, Sammy. I thought the same thing. But, as I’m sure as Ben can attest, Mrs. Kilpatrick wasn’t one to—

Ben If she said she saw it? She saw it.

Sammy So, she has visions. Um, what does that have to do with the fire?

Emily Well- Mrs. Kilpatrick actually lived in a small apartment in the library.

Sammy In the library?! Ugh, that might be creepier than the visions.

Emily She complained to management about the noises, the visits. Apparently, there were arguments—

Sammy Arguments? Between Lincoln and Booth?

Ben So they were keeping Old Lady Kilpatrick awake at night.

Sammy And, y’know, then Kilpatrick gets fed up. Uh, there’s no Peter Venkman[2] to call, so she does what she can do and sets the place on fire?

Emily Well, I don’t know if Mrs. Kilpatrick would’ve done that.

Ben All due respect? Oh, she would have!

Sammy [glibly] I think it’s cut and dry, actually, you know? Maybe we should call Deputy Troy and solve this cold case.

Ben Well, what do you think happened, Emily?

Emily I have to assume that Booth did what he could to get to the president again. Unofficially, of course. Ah— god, we- we shouldn’t even talk about this with the investigation and all.

Sammy Alright, well, that said, we’re gonna open up the phone lines now. We’re talkin’ about the library opening back up later this week, uh, after some difficulties; maybe you’ve got a question for Emily!

Ben Maybe you’ve seen the visions in the library as well, we-we’d love to hear about that.

Sammy Or that too. Uh, You’ve heard our story, now let’s hear yours. 424-279-3858.

Ben Or tweet us @KingFallsAM. Line 12, uh, wouldn’t give a name.

Sammy You’re on King Falls AM.

Line 12 Yeah, I’ve got a question for Emily.

Emily Hi!

Line 12 So let’s say that… my friend checked out a book last year, and- due to the fire and the closing- wasn’t able to return it on time. Are overdue charges being forgiven?

Emily If you couldn’t return it due to our renovation, then, I’m sure we can overlook it.

Line 12 Cool!

Sammy Thanks for the question.

Line 12 Wait! I’ve got another question for Emily!

Emily Oh! Okay?

Line 12 Are you seeing anybod–

[click, dial tone]

Ben Next caller! Uh, we’ve got line 4, Cynthia.

Sammy Hello Cynthia, you’re on the air.

Cynthia [Cynthia has a high-pitched, nasally, persistent “I want to speak to your manager” voice] From what I gathered on this interview as well as the news report that Channel 13 ran—

Ben *snickers* You shouldn’t listen to them, Cynthia.

Cynthia Excuse me Ben! Excuse me!

Sammy Cynthia—

Cynthia From what I’m gathering, the library- if you wanna call it that- is a Despot of Desolation. Arson? Check. “Fifty Shades of Grey”? Check. Presidential assassins? Cheeeck!

Emily Cynthia, I believe—

Cynthia What are you, twelve? And you’re running the show? Could we at least get an adult to watch over that Den of Depravity?

Sammy Cynthia, I think we could probably argue that the worst of the library’s problems are behind it.

Ben This is a new chapter in its history! *stutters* Did you see what I did there, Emily?

Emily *laughs* You’re so funny!

Cynthia Oh my god. Hose those two down, Sammy. It’s unbearable.

Sammy Cynthia, did you have a question regarding the library?

Cynthia Yes. My boys are ten and six. Does the revamped library have a kids’ corner?

Emily It most certainly does!

Cynthia [snooty] Are you overseeing it?

Emily Yes I am!

Cynthia *scoffs* [click]

[dial tone]

Ben Weee’ve got line 8, Sammy.

Sammy King Falls AM.

Line 8 Hey King Falls. Long-time listener. First-time caller.

Ben Long time?

Sammy Uh- The station appreciates the patrionage.[sic]

Line 8 I don’t listen to the station really, I- [low, “seductive” tone] I listen to you.

[click, dial tone]

Emily Oh.

Sammy Okaaay.

Ben Yikes. Uh, try 14, Sammy.

Sammy Good evening, welcome to the show.

Line 14 [shaky, old-woman voice] I saw the president.

Ben Oh! Another sighting!

Sammy Ma’am, are we talking about President Lincoln at King Falls Library? or President Obama on Fox News type’a thing?

Line 14 Lincoln.

Ben [triumphantly] Hoh!

Emily Mrs. Kilpatrick?

Probably Mrs. Kilpatrick I saw him! [click]

[dial tone]

Sammy Well terrific, I mean, I didn’t need to sleep tonight anyways, it’s fine.

Ben Uh, one more before commercial. We- we’ve got Greg, line 1.

Sammy Greg, do ya have a question for us?

Greg [def. Line 12 from earlier]  Yes, this question is for Emily? If a man, such as- my friend- wanted to court you, would you be availabl—

Ben [click, dial tone]  Pay some bills, Sammy.

Sammy Emily, thank you so much for being here with us tonight- enlightening us with the tales of the library.

Emily Oh it was my pleasure. I just want all the listeners to know that, while we can’t wish the visions away? they more than likely will stay away from us in crowds, so please come join me for the re-opening ceremonies this Thursday at 10AM!

Ben I will be there.

Emily You’re a sweetheart, Benny. Thanks for having me on, guys.

[door shutting]

Ben [excitedly] Any time, Emily!

Sammy She’s gone, “Benny.”

Ben [hostile] Ben.

Sammy Oh! So only Emily can call you Benny.

Ben Sh-she didn’t call me… “Benny”. *scoff/laugh* You’re ridiculous.

Sammy Oh yeah, that’s me. Look, I get it. I mean, she’s a very attractive girl, and you guys hit it off—

Ben [pleased] We did, didn’t we.

Sammy But really, she called you Benn—

Ben Don’t

Sammy *chuckles* That’s the Ben we know and love, folks.

Ben Yeah, yeah.

Sammy Alright! Now after this quick message from our sponsors, we’re gonna be back and we’re gonna be talking with Dr. Raúl from the King Falls Chiropractic Center and getting daily tips to keep our backs on the straight and narrow. And I’m sure Ben will be just as flirtatious with the good doctor.

Ben *tsk* [lightly] Is he lovely too?

[outtro music]

[CREDITS]

References:

[1] “Who Moved My Cheese?” - per Wikipedia: “Who Moved My Cheese? An Amazing Way to Deal with Change in Your Work and in Your Life”, published on September 8, 1998, is a motivational business fable. The text describes change in one's work and life, and four typical reactions to those changes by two mice and two "Littlepeople", during their hunt for cheese.”

[2] Peter Venkman - Dr. Peter Venkman is one of the original Ghostbusters. He has doctorates in both psychology and parapsychology. Played by Bill Murray

[kfamquotes]

Any network but Channel 13, Sammy. They can suck it.

Ben Arnold, Episode Two: That Book Is Overdue, President Lincoln