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queenharumiura · 10 months

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Dash comm thing-- I guess [x] || @whiskeysmulti

Got a lil long (2k) so readmore it is!

That reaction makes her feel like he’s challenging that. Maybe it was more accurate to say that it was his insecurity talking. It could even be his curiosity. Either way, he seemed to actually want an answer, so she’d do just that.

Was it the fact that other guys have treated her so badly that he stuck out more than the others? No, perish the thought. There were a lot of guys out there who treated her nicely, like Yamamoto or Enma for example. It wasn’t so simple as picking someone who was the strongest, or the calmest, or someone who was the kindest. The point was she thought he was the best thing to have come into her life and she stood by that fact.

“Ahhh how to begin?” She looks around and sits down somewhere and looks to him, patting an empty spot next to her for him to join her. “What I say today stays here and you take it to your grave.” If she hears people talking about it, she’ll know who it came from and then you’ll have Hell to pay. “I’m over it, so there’s no point in getting mad at anyone.”

“As we know, I had a first love that didn’t go so well. Went horribly, actually.” She chuckles quietly to herself. “It was really rough, trying to act like I wasn’t hurt every time he’d gloss over me, or every time he’d judge me for something… he’d accept it once Kyoko-chan would say something. Suddenly, ‘such a great idea, Kyoko-chan! I’m so happy you thought of me!’ I knew that Kyoko-chan only stepped up to support me, but it always made me see just how stark a difference there was in how he viewed us. I don’t know if anyone truly understood how crushed I’d feel in those moments. Still, I’d keep a smile on my face and pretend it didn’t bother me.”

She looks up at the ceiling, just focusing on the texture of it. “I’d feel invisible in those moments. Less important. Any of my efforts rendered useless in the face of him appreciating Kyoko’s involvement. Even if it were a group effort, Kyoko got the majority of the credit, or the attention.” Ah… this is why she didn’t ever like talking about this to anyone. “I don’t mean to say any of this like I was owed something, so don’t get it twisted. Haru too, tends to tunnel-vision on things, so she can’t blame him for the same thing.” It does hurt, though. “I started to wonder, was I the problem? Was I not useful enough? Was I not charming enough? Was I simply not worth being paid any attention to aside from being Kyoko’s friend or someone to look after Lambo?”

Of course, she knows that wasn’t the case, and Tsuna didn’t look at her as just someone who looks after Lambo or being Kyoko’s friend. However, at the time, that’s how she felt. “You know? One time, he asked me if the reason my lips were shiny was because I had Yakisoba prior to coming over. It was a lip gloss I’ve been using for a while up to that point. It was such a shock how little he paid me attention. He might notice when I’m hiding some of my emotions and he may ask about it, but that’s just the gist of it.” He didn’t seem to really think that deeply about why it was that she was hurting and why it was that she kept everything bottled up- for his benefit. She let it happen, and she preferred it that way, so she didn’t hold it against him.

“A lot of what I did felt like it was being taken for granted. Not many instances where it felt like I was being appreciated. I could’ve left ages ago for a calmer life. I could’ve started leading a much different life than I am now. I gave up on things that meant so much to me to stay with everyone.” Yet, she still felt like an outsider at times. She and Kyoko both. “I can’t speak for Kyoko, but I don’t like being kept in the dark. I’d rather know what’s going on. Bianchi Nee-san had explained that it’s some male pride thing where you guys want to protect us and keep us innocent, but… we also get dragged into your business.” Like the time the bloody murderous twins were after them, or when they got sent into the future with everyone. “By keeping us in the dark, you alienate us. We feel like we aren’t being considered. I can’t speak for Kyoko-chan but I felt useless and unneeded.”

It didn’t help that she already felt that way prior to them being blasted into the future… so the guys keeping them in the dark only exacerbated her negative feelings. She heaves a heavy sigh. “I doubt Tsuna-san said a word about it when he caught me, but I was crying every single day. Sure, anxiety and fear was part of it, but what really hurt was feeling like we weren’t being trusted. That because we were useless that it was unnecessary to tell us the truth. It took us going on strike to finally get some answers.” She looks annoyed when recollecting everything, like she’s reliving that moment. “I won’t go into details, but I cried more after that from the guilt.” She truly cried an entire lifetime’s worth of tears.

“The worst thing that came from everything that I’d experienced over the years… jealousy is such an ugly thing that can bring out the worst in people. There were times when even I could feel like I felt a twinge of anger because Kyoko-chan was the only one Tsuna-san would pay attention to. Silly, isn’t it? It’s not even her fault, so why get mad at her? The first time I noticed it, I couldn’t recognize who I was. I thought to myself, ‘Guess Namahage and Haru has more in common than I thought. An ugly monster’.” She stretches her arms out in front of her, her tone being so nonchalant this entire time, but her eyes would show that she felt anything but relaxed. “It’s simple enough to say, why didn’t you fall out of love then? That’s the thing, love is so illogical that it’s hard to control. Maybe if I try harder, maybe if I change this, maybe he’ll finally look at me. Maybe if I start changing parts about me, maybe he’ll like me more…” There were times she really couldn’t remember who she was originally. Love truly makes you do crazy things.

“I won’t let anyone say that I didn’t try, or that I didn’t try hard enough. I tried every single thing that I could think of, but nothing ever worked. I just… wasn’t Kyoko-chan and I never will be. I won’t lie, there were times when you’d say something that would absolutely shatter my sense of self-worth. On the days my self-love was on a low, you sometimes walked in to make it tank even further.” Good times (sarcasm).

She looks at him, figuring what would be next on his mind would be along the lines of ‘what did you ever see in me then?’ or something else. “It took me so long to recover from that first love. It really did a number on me. I don’t know if anyone ever realized how badly I was hurting, and how damaged I was coming out of that love.” She did try to act as though everything was the same. Business as usual as they say. If the majority couldn’t pick up on it, then she was doing a good job at hiding her hurt.

“When I moved on from him and started building myself back up, I felt a little lost. Where do I go from here? What do I do now? As silly as it sounds, our constant fights were comforting- as much as they were also aggravating. Routine is such a comforting thing. At one point, I started getting this notion that maybe you liked me, but then you’d say or do something that made me question that idea altogether.” Thinking back on it now, it was because Gokudera still thought she loved Tsuna.

“When I started noticing how it felt like I was special to you in some way, I felt seen. The small ways that you’d show your consideration towards me was sometimes clumsy, but also very sweet. It didn’t make sense to me at first, you know? Why like someone who was virtually invisible to another person?” It was like… why would you like someone that your boss deemed to be not good enough to pay attention to? “Still, you cared in your own way, and you paid attention to me in your own way.” She closes her eyes and breathes out heavily again, “it helped me in ways that I don’t think you realize.”

“In a way, I think, through you, I remembered the aspects about me that I used to love. I didn’t have to be embarrassed about myself. Sure, Tsuna-san basically treated like I was invisible if Kyoko was around, but that didn’t mean that’s all I could be. I have you and Lambo-chan to thank for making my journey in rediscovering self-importance easier.”

She opens her eyes and looks at Gokudera again with a smile. “So, why do I say you’re the best thing that’s come into my life? To put it bluntly, because you are who you are and I love you for that. I find new reasons to love you and being with you makes me happy. I feel loved and it reminds me that I’m worth it on the days I start doubting myself. On those days I’m feeling down, I know you’ll be there for me to cheer me up. You can remind me why you chose me of all people.” She leans against him and hugs his arm to her chest. “What can I say? Your devotion and loyalty are the biggest things that I find so attractive about you. I know that if you say you love me, you mean it. You make me feel like I’m a precious person to you, and that’s something I needed. I couldn’t begin to explain to you how much good you’ve done for me.”

Really, it isn’t like she hasn’t thought about how he could’ve found someone else. Maybe someone who could’ve had more political usage to the Vongola, someone stronger, or more beautiful. Maybe even someone who could understand him on a cultural level. It wasn’t like he would ever find himself lacking in people interested in him. Still, he chose her and she wanted to trust that. “Seeing the way you love me, it sometimes lets me see different aspects of myself that I didn’t notice. It’s very enlightening and heart-lifting. You’ve done a lot of good for me in terms of my self-confidence or my feeling of self-worth.” She won’t remind how he also had done the very opposite as well in the past. That wasn’t important.

“Maybe it’s not some grand explanation you were expecting, but that’s just how it is. I love you so much and I treasure each moment we get to share together, and being together makes be the happiest I’ve ever been. Isn’t that enough to say you’re the best thing that’s come into my life if I can wake up feeling full of love and happiness?” She thought it was, anyways.

“Emotions don’t always make logical sense, anyways. I simply feel that you’re the best for me, so that’s how it is. I won’t entertain anyone telling me otherwise, even your insecurities.” The energy right now is, if your girlfriend tells you to jump, you ask how high? If Haru is telling you that she feels you are the best thing that came into her life, you accept it as the truth.

#Whiskeysmulti #Haru dash comm #((Did I decide to work on this rather than the replies on my other blogs? yes-- ))#((Screw icons! I'm tired and too lazy))#Neo drabble #(To me you are more than perfect. Gokudera Haru)#YMTPtag

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