#Law's usually very busy & being left with a baby alone will only make him anxious. He'll just end up calling bepo penguin & sachi

[deecotan]

Does lawlu have a kid too that plays with zosan kid?

In my opinion, Lawlu isn't a couple who are going to have kids... relatively, at the very least. Who knows if I can think of any setting or AU where they might have children, but in a modern domestic AU or canon/canon-compliant settings, I don't exactly see them as having kids. I see them as a couple whose idea of settling in begins and ends with each other. Don't get me wrong, they adore children, but they're not necessarily interested in having their own. Them playing uncles for their friends' kids is more than enough for them.

What I do see them having, in modern setting, are dogs. I totally see Law as a dog person and Luffy is just jolly enough to have any pet companion around. I think it paints a pretty funny picture to see Law trying to wrestle both of his overexcited dog AND boyfriend to take a bath after their 2-hour frolicking in the muddy grass.

A couple that I see having kids in modern AU is actually Frobin! My personal headcanon is that they adopted, and it has to do with how I love the idea of Robin, who was abandoned as a child but gradually found love and healing in her found family, would want to try to be a mother for children who went through the similar thing she did as a child. Robin canonically adores children, so I think it's not much of a stretch for her to want them regardless of how she acquires them. And Franky is just supportive all around - he'd be a great dad.

[leo-gold-hotchner]

Happy Birthday to You

It’s late, it should’ve been up on 2nd Nov, but I couldn’t. Urg. I wanted to be fluffy, but not sure if I succeeded it. 

Just a side talk, if anyone reading this having a hard time because of who they are, always remember there’re people supporting you! That includes me! Don’t let others judge you, you’re a lovely person, remember that.

Criminal Minds

Aaron Hotchner X Male Reader

Words: 2.8k

I Kissed a boy AU!

You felt like a jellyfish. A powerless jellyfish wondering in the ocean waves, wherever your destination is, it depends on the wave. You didn’t even have strength to lift your finger when you returned this morning from your shift. 

Halloween night was fun, you could spend your time together with Aaron and Jack two nights ago. And yesterday, they left, and you readied for your night shift and it finished just now. 

You weren’t sure if it was because a day after Halloween, but it sure had many 911 calls. You didn’t shower or changed your clothes, you just stared at the high ceiling of your house. 

                                                        -Hotch-

In distant, you heard your phone ringing. You must have fallen asleep. You just wanted to sleep, not to be bothered, but what if it was from your work? What if it was Aaron? 

“Gods,” you groaned and pushed yourself heavily from sofa. What time was it? “Hello?” You answered the call without checking who called you. 

“Oh, is this Mr. F/N L/N?” It was a woman’s voice, her voice so vibrant and even you being tired managed to smile. Though, you wondered if this was a scam call. “I’m Penelope Garcia and I work with the FBI.” 

FBI. Okay, FBI. Ef… Huh? 

“Ef, FBI, you say?” You stuttered out at the mention of FBI. Wasn’t that the bureau that investigates criminal staff? Why were they calling you? Did one of last night patients has something to do with crimes? 

“Yep, and I work with Aaron Hotchner!” Not knowing your worry, the woman cheerfully mentioned your boyfriend’s name. 

“Aaron? You work with Aaron?” You felt stupid to keep asking her, but you had to be sure. And you were still groggy from sleep. 

“Yes, so I thought you could help us with a surprise party to him.” 

“Why surprise party?” You stood where you were with a dumbfounded face. 

“Why, of course, it’s Hotch’s birthday today!” Your brain just stopped working. “With you and Jack there, I believe Hotch’ll love it! Hello? Are you still there?” 

“Yes, yes, I’m here.” Oh shit. You didn’t know it was Aaron’s birthday today. They talked all staff, but it seemed they failed to mention respective birthday. Like you didn’t know his, you bet Aaron didn’t know yours too. 

“Where are you having this surprise party, Ms. Garcia?” 

“It’s just Penelope to you, Mr. Hotch’s boyfriend! You could come to his apartment now, if you can!” 

                                                       -Hotch-

You sighed as you looked up at the light brown apartment in front of you. Nothing to worry about, right? Penelope works with Aaron, she must be or she wouldn’t know your number. Now think of it, how did she find out? Anyway, you pressed Aaron’s house number and a woman’s voice asked if you were F/N. It was a different voice from before, it was not Penelope. 

“Yes?” 

“Come in, just press the floor when you get into the lift!” Guess the women around Aaron were all cheerful. 

You drummed your fingers on your side as the lift goes up. You didn’t know anyone who Aaron worked with and you were anxious if you’d give them a bad impression of yourself. Before you could knock on the dark brown door, the door abruptly opened and a muscular man stared at you. 

“Hey, you must be F/N!” The man gave you a wide grin showing his white teeth. 

“F/N!” Jack’s voice squealed behind the man. 

As the man moved to the side, the boy flew into your embrace. It was wonder how a child can like you as if he knew you for a long time. You and Jack only met on Halloween day, which was two days ago. And you were proud that you were friendly enough to make Jack instantly take a liking to you. 

“Hey, buddy.” 

“Aunt Pen said you gonna help Daddy’s birthday party!” Jack’s big eyes shined with excitement. Good to know Ms. Penelope Garcia wasn’t a scam but a real FBI agent. “This is Uncle Derek,” Jack pointed the muscular man who held his hand to greet you. 

“Derek Morgan. Just Derek or Morgan’s fine.” You and he shook hands, and wow, his grip was strong. 

“Aunt Pen’s not here, she’s maybe with Aunt Jess?” Jack looked around with a puzzled expression in your arms. 

“I believe they are.” Derek led you to another room, passing through the kitchen. “Baby girl, he’s here.” 

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!” The very familiar voice echoed the house, burying Derek’s chuckling with her voice. “You are here!” The woman, Penelope, looked at you with widened eyes, her arms stretched towards you as if she wasn’t expecting you to turn up. 

“Hi,” you gave her a little hesitant smile, but nonetheless a genuine one. “I’m F/N, you called me before?” 

“Yes, yes, that was me. I’m Penelope, I work with Hotch. He’s our boss,” she pointed herself and Derek. “And, and, this,” she dragged another woman who smiled at you, “is Jessica, Jack’s beautiful aunt.” 

“Hello, how’re you,” Jessica shook your hand, giving you a welcoming smile. 

“Surprised, but good.” You shrugged, your brain still processing a bit. You didn’t know Aaron had a sister, perhaps you should ask about it later. 

“Others are coming later, for now they’re occupying Hotch so he won’t know anything.” Penelope said as she picked up a box full of birthday party supplies and decorations. 

“You know,” you let Jack go as he wanted to decorate the house with them. “He once told me you guys aren’t really professional when it comes to surprising him or pranking him.” You scratched back of your head, smiling at Penelope’s shocked face. 

“But he won’t know today,” Derek barked a loud laughter. “That usually happens because Baby girl here give it away.” 

“I do keep secretes very well, mister!” Penelope gave her friend a mocking indignant face. 

“If you say so,” Jessica smirked as she exited the room with colourful ‘Happy Birthday’ banner. 

“How many are coming?” You asked as you helped them unpacking several boxes and decorate the room. You wouldn’t know anyone, but you thought you could be conversational. 

“Well,” Penelope folded her fingers, “except us we have, Rossi, Spencer, Emily, JJ and probably Henry and Will.” 

“Are they all…?” 

“We all work together. Well, Henry’s JJ’s son and Will’s Henry’s dad. But we’ve worked with Will once too, so you could say that.” Penelope laughed wholeheartedly. “He doesn’t talk about his work, is he?” 

“No,” you shook your head a little. 

You never asked him about his work, and he didn’t utter a word about his work too when he was with you. You just thought he’d be too tired and knowing the nature of Aaron’s work, you never thought about asking it. Jessica returned to the room to look for more decoration, she probably heard their conversation. 

“Does he take his work and do it while you’re with him?” Jessica asked, her arms hugging her torso. 

Your head unconsciously titled to the side. “No?” Was that important? 

Penelope cheerfully talked about taking some box to Derek and left Jessica and you alone. And she didn’t forget to shut the door, and you didn’t know why. You felt uncomfortable, feeling like you’re suddenly interrogated by Aaron’s sister. 

“He doesn’t want you to leave him.” Jessica smiled at you, riddling you with her words. She laughed a bit as she saw your puzzled look. “He used to bring his work to home, that made Haley mad sometimes.” 

You heard that name before. Aaron told you his wife and he dated since their high school, though unfortunate accident took her away from him and Jack. He never told you the details, and you didn’t ask him. The excruciating pain was palpable on Aaron’s face, so you didn’t want him to remember the painful memory by telling you. You never pushed him for more. 

“Because he’s busy, we can’t really have a proper conversation and we’re always with Jack so you know.” Jessica smiled ghostly. “But whenever he talks about you, his eyes lit up in spirit. He returns to the Aaron I used to know before everything.” She gave you a knowing smile. “I know talking these staff can be uncomfortable for you, especially talking about Haley. But like my sister made Aaron happy, you make him happy.” Oh, Jessica was not Aaron’s sister, but sister-in-law. “You’re not substituting Haley, mind you.” She sighed. “I want him to be happy.” Not just a sister-in-law, Jessica was truly Aaron’s sister, wishing his happiness. 

“I want him to be happy, too.” Both of you just looked at each other for a moment. “Isn’t it, you know, weird?” She looked at you questioningly. “Aaron suddenly bringing a boyfriend? It’s not normal isn’t it?” You didn’t know you were scrubbing the side of your pants due to anxiety. 

“You mean Aaron being bisexual?” She titled her head questioningly. “Oh, yeah, I was surprised when he told me he has a boyfriend, but it’s not weird. You make Aaron happy, that makes Jack happy. And that makes me happy and his friends happy. Everyone’s happy, it’s not weird or strange at all. It’s just natural for you and Aaron love each other.” 

You couldn’t help but tears pooling. In fact, you never asked Aaron about his family or friends because you were scared. You just buried questions deep inside so you wouldn’t be attacked by bigotry comments. 

Suddenly she pulled you into a big hug. “Don’t worry, you’re a perfect normal man. No one should judge you or Aaron because of your sexual orientation. I’m glad both of you can be honest with me.” Jessica laughed as she patted your shoulder. “Even though we met just today. Now let’s decorate more before Aaron storms in.” 

                                                       -Hotch-

Hotch rubbed his eyes, the writings on the report just leaving as soon as they come into his brain. He couldn’t concentrate, the Sun was saying its good-bye to another day. He had to concentrate in order to return to his son as soon as possible. Then his phone beeped and he frowned as he picked up the phone. 

‘Hey, bro, happy birthday.’ 

It was Sean. He was surprised his little brother actually texted him on his birthday. Hotch couldn’t help but chuckle a bit as he reread the text. Sean actually never calls him ‘bro’ or ‘brother’ unless it was a rare occasion. And it was a first time in years he called Aaron ‘bro’ even in a text message. 

 ‘M not sorry to not giving any present to a birthday boy.’ Another message from Sean, with a laughing yellow face in the end. 

‘You could always call me. But thank you.’ Before sending the text, Aaron wondered if his text was too… well, stiff? He threw his head to the headrest. He could be, no, should be more friendly with his little brother. He quickly deleted his text. 

‘Visit me anytime soon and that can be my present, brother.’ Sean didn’t like to be called ‘little’ brother, so no ‘little brother’. It’s not a perfect text, but he tried. 

He nearly jumped in a start after sending the text when JJ opened his door. Thank gods his face didn’t show any emotion. “Hotch, you need to go home. Everyone went home already.” JJ shook her head.

“Let me just finish this report.” 

“That can wait, but not your birthday,” the blonde agent squinted her eyes disapprovingly. “Have time with Jack, he’s probably waiting for you to say ‘happy birthday dad’.” 

The Unit Chief quickly closed his mouth, he couldn’t say anything. “You’re right.” Hotch sighed. “So everyone’s gone, already?” 

“Yeah, said they can always finish their paperwork tomorrow,” she rolled her eyes. 

“We’ll see to that,” Hotch snorted. Not even Dave will get away from the paperwork tomorrow. “Well, good night, JJ.” 

“Night, Hotch.” JJ smiled at him and left the office. 

                                                       -Hotch-

Aaron stared at the apartment building where his home was. He could see the light through the window, Jack probably waiting for him with Jessica. He looked down at his phone once again, as he did for every one minute since Sean texted him. You didn’t text him or call him. Of course nothing as you had a night shift and you were probably sleeping. And he never told you about his birthday being today. Receiving a ‘happy birthday’ text from Sean made him happy, so it’d make him happier if you texted him or called him to say ‘happy birthday’. But that was his fault, he never mentioned. Why didn’t he do that? 

He groaned as he roughly brushed down his face before entering the building. He was tired, but happy to see his son from this long day. It’d be a best day if he could see you along with Jack. Yesterday and the day before were the best days he had for some years. Spending time with Jack and you, waking up next to you, having breakfast with you and Jack. 

Unlike the last time from his office, this time he couldn’t control his emotion when everyone yelled ‘surprise’ under the ‘Happy Birthday’ banner in his apartment. His mouth didn’t even close from wonder. 

Jack dashed to him, holding a birthday card. “Happy birthday, Daddy!” Aaron held his son and kissed on Jack’s crown. 

“Hey, buddy, what’s this?” 

“It’s a surprise party, Daddy.” Jack gave him the ‘don’t be silly’ face. 

The crowd came to him, each of them chanting ‘happy birthday’ to him, and among them you were there. Just like when he saw his son, his eyes brightened at your presence. You were bashfully smiling at you, standing next to Morgan and Reid. 

Everyone started to give him the presents, starting from Jack. Even little Henry gave his Uncle Aaron a little drawing with a bright smile. When it was your turn, you just shrugged and said ‘later’. Though Aaron could see distress in your eyes.

                                                       -Hotch-

It was wonder how his small apartment was having this many guests, and one by one they started to fall asleep from drinking too much wine. Both boys were already crawled into Jack’s bed, and the adults were just loosened up at his home. Perhaps they could’ve just planned his surprise part at Dave’s house. 

Aaron didn’t even expect his mentor all drunken and sleeping on his study chair. Prentiss shoved herself into the sofa where Reid fainted happily with red face. Morgan protectively hugging Garcia while his back leaned on the sofa, while his head hung on Garcia’s crown. Will just like Morgan, his back on the sofa but letting JJ on his thighs and crouched on his chest. He won’t wake his friends, they will whine about their back and neck being stiff, but never going to wake them up and make them do all the paperworks for hiding this from him. 

“I know that look,” Jessica scoffed from behind. “You gonna make them pay for planning this.” 

“Am I?” Aaron smirked at his sister-in-law. 

“Be lenient on them, it was Jack’s idea.” He blinked in surprise. “Of course, the adults were more enthusiastic than Jack.” She cleaned the kitchen and packed her bag. 

“You can use my bed.” Aaron suggested. 

“I have to go, I have to work on some staff before going to bed. And you have your boyfriend to care.” She gave him an accusing finger. He looked around, and he couldn’t find you. “I didn’t drink any wine and I brought my car. Don’t worry about me, Aaron.” She held the door open wide, giving him a familial smile. “I’m glad you have friends to support you. Good night Aaron, see you tomorrow.” 

“Good night, Jessica.” Aaron gave her a thankful smile. 

                                                       -Hotch-

When he entered his room to find you, you were on his bed, yawning while swinging your legs slowly. 

You held your arms up when you saw him. “You never told me today’s your birthday, so I’m mad.” Aaron chuckled as he looked at your fake angry face. Your eyes starting to lose focus as sleepiness kicking in you rather fast. “Hey, don’t laugh,” you threw one of his pillows to his way, but Aaron skilfully avoided it. “I’m serious. I didn’t have any time to prepare present for you.” You pouted, not realising you were acting like a child. 

Aaron quietly sat next to you, his strong arm wrapping your side. “You being here is my present.” 

“No,” you replied in slur before giving a big yawn. “I’ll always be here for you, so it can’t be a present.” Aaron’s chest swelled in happiness, his heart running over the hill. But you didn’t notice Aaron’s very very happy smile because you leaned on his broad chest, eyes closed. “I want something special, something that reminds me wherever you’re,” you mumbled as you rubbed your eyes. Aaron couldn’t comprehend anything after that, you were both mumbling and slurring and soon falling asleep in his arm. 

“Trust me, F/N. I’ve got the best present ever today.” Aaron whispered to his sleeping boyfriend, pleasant smile plastered on his face.

[bat-besties]

Your secret is safe with me

A belated present for @djpurple3

Declyn and Virgil are the ultimate duo when it comes to close-up magic and its use in cons - and that's as much Delcyn's skill as Virgil being an actual mage on the run from the army.

As the two travel around the country through each season, their familiar dynamic begins to shift with the weather. 

6k words. Anxceit Fantasy AU with friends to lovers, bed-sharing, card games, and a lot of friendly bickering. 

AO3 

Edited and titled and with snow description by the lovely @5-crofters-jams 

------

Clubs

“Is this your card?” Declyn flicked his fingers to display the four of clubs.

The woman leaned back on her chair with a creak. “My baby sister could do better close-up magic than that.” She raised her eyebrows at the tent hung with yellow and black awnings and faintly mystical sigils before settling with particular disgust on Declyn himself. He was decked out in a pastiche of the outfits of the Royal Wizardry, the private army of the king any mage was required to join by law. It wouldn’t have been convincing even if they weren’t usually stationed at the palace. But the deception wasn’t meant to be seamless; he was clearly a charlatan. 

The sound of the rest of the fairground was barely faded, people chatting, singing, and cheering like a pack of wild animals.  

He gave her a brittle smile. “Is it, good lady?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Very good,” Declyn said, lingering over the words as he reached for another deck of cards. He shuffled it without looking, the cards falling back and forth and crossing around his hands. For a moment, he let go, and the cards kept on shuffling. He took her palm and laid it face-up on the table. To the woman’s credit, if the cards moving by themselves were surprising to her she didn’t show it. “Now. Let’s get down to the real business, hm?” 

“Going to tell me I’m going to find a tall, dark and handsome husband?” she said derisively. 

Declyn nodded as he bent over her hand. “Oh, totally, that is the classic line and I always follow it-” Then he looked behind her, whip-quick. He squinted at the air. “Oh. Oh, but this is very interesting. You’d like a tall, dark and handsome husband, wouldn’t you, a certain...Jake, is his name isn’t it?” 

She shifted uncomfortably, but she couldn’t pull her hand from his fingers encircling her wrist. “Who told you that?”

He waved his other hand into the air as a smirk snaked across his face. “Magic, good lady. Nothing more.” 

“Will he-” she bit her words off. “Someone must have gossiped.”

Declyn tilted his head. “Will he what?” He put on a sympathetic frown. “Will he love you back?” 

“If you were really a mage you’d be arrested by now,” she said with a toss of her head. A blush stole over her cheeks; her eyes didn’t meet Declyn’s; her pulse was rushing where his fingers touched it. Numbers and people, those were the only things Declyn knew how to read and they gave him more information than a thousand citadels of books. 

He hummed noncommittally. 

Screams rose outside before being suddenly cut off. He suppressed a flicker of irritation at having to work with this noise, let the moment stretch, and...

“So? Do you know if he likes me?”

Based on the way Jake was hanging over the bar every moment this woman’s coworker was serving… “I’d say no.” 

Her face crumpled into anger. “Why you-”

“Ah, ah, ah!” He held up a single finger. “He doesn’t like you yet.” 

“What the fuck are you talking about you-”

Declyn reached into the shadows of the tent and plucked a bottle of coloured liquid from them. “I had a feeling you would visit.” The candles flickered as a breeze stirred the tent. Their light made the bottle almost look as though it glowed from within.

She couldn’t look away from it. Five gold pieces had been the plan… should he stretch to ten? 

“Of course, there is a price… perhaps-” 

The tent disappeared. Declyn blinked for a moment at where it had been, then at the crowd whispering and cackling at the sight at him, then at the people in the same robes as him but which looked incredibly genuine surrounding him with their hands outstretched like they were about to attack-

He slowly brought his arms down and put them parallel along his stomach, fists turned against his body in a gesture which in an actual mage would have meant the only person he could shoot at was himself.   “Ah! Respected mages!” He put on a smile which suggested that, if he had magic, sweet wildflowers would grow wherever he stood. “Come to enjoy the fair, I see?”

“Are you a mage?” the leader barked at him. Authority was carried in every line of her body, from the proud arch of her neck to the tense stance she stood in, like a lioness ready to pounce.

Declyn weighed his life over his profits. He took a moment too long to admit, “No. I’m a performer. Some skill in reading people, a love of close-up illusion, you get the picture-”

“People of Goodwyn,” she said loudly. “Have you any proof of this man being a mage?”

The woman raised her hand nervously to point at his card deck. “He can make it move without touching it.” 

Rolling his eyes, Declyn picked them up again and began to shuffle them, then drew them out to show a thin thread connecting them which was clearly visible in the strong sunlight. He wove his hands across each other to show how he manipulated the thread. Unlike earlier, his hands never left the end cards. 

“He wouldn’t stoop to that if he had magic-” one of them said to the leader. 

“If he was dodging service? He’d stoop to anything,” the leader said. 

Declyn gave her a brittle smile, biting back comments about the nobility of murder and being used as the pawns of a tyrant king, about the reasons a person might not want to be a living weapon- but they were words in defense of someone who would be best served if he kept his mouth shut. “I repeat my deepest apologies for my insolence. Now, if you would return me my tent, respected mages, I shall be on my way.” 

With a wave of her hand, the leader brought back the tent neatly folded. “I’d leave this fair, were I you. You’re an embarrassment to yourself more than you are to our fine institution. Magic is not a toy, and you are out of line.” 

“I’m glad to have a reminder of my place,” he said with a wide, insincere smile. He swept everything on the table up in the velvet cloth and tied the top. “A simple person without magic such as myself forgets.” The table collapsed with a bang and he slung it over his back with two leather straps he’d attached to the base. The chairs folded, the tent could be carried slung over his arm. The illusion was broken, clear as anything. He held the chairs out at an angle from him as he walked past, forcing the mages back out of his path, and he let the bottom of the table drag along the grass, flattening it. A little petty, but what could they expect? 

More than anything, he wanted a final quip about Jake to the woman, a smooth exit line, and he would have dared it if he was alone. But the chairs were a barrier, the grass was flattened so it wouldn’t show footsteps, and those simple tricks were one of the less graceful flourishes in the most elaborate and longest-running con of his. 

Invisible as he had been in the tent when he moved the cards, swirled the breeze, handed Declyn the bottle and read the cards over the woman’s shoulder, a true mage followed Declyn out to safety. 

What better place to hide than with someone who any accusations against would look ridiculous?

And how better to scam people with magic than adding a real mage to your battery of card-tricks, illusion, and ability to read people? 

*

The road stretched out over the horizon through green stretching in every direction. Tufts of grass sprung up in the dirt road, blowsy white flowers lay sprinked like spilled popcorn in the fields, the smell of dust and wild garlic and the unrepentant blue of the sky arching above them anchored the two travellers into the moment. Fat drops of fuzz buzzed through the air, bumblebees similarly intent on their destination. The men’s backs were bowed with the weight of their possessions, and the one-two scuff of their feet in time beat a familiar pattern. 

There wasn’t silence between them; that space was too filled with birdsong, chirping insects and the occasional exhale as one adjusted the heavy pack on his back.

Declyn didn’t look as striking outside of his fake robe, he was of medium height, medium build, and had hair and eyes the same colour as the road. The mage also didn’t have an appearance which might have betrayed his identity, not in the same way the leader’s confident posture might have. He was dark-haired, dark-eyed, and heavy eye-bags gave him a look of perpetual exhaustion. That exhaustion was most often directed at the partner in his illegal double-act. 

When Declyn had run into him fresh out of running from the army, he’d been a mess of sharp angles and edges, eyes never able to stay in one place or meet another person’s, skittering between attacks of insult and defenses of overdone apology. Now, he could be hardly described as relaxed, but he could fall into playful banter or slow contemplation with Declyn easily, or their winding, passionate conversations which tried to set everything right in a society they existed in the periphery of. Rest, hearty inn food, being less anxious and not pushing his magic as much had rounded out the edges of his face and body. 

Declyn watched as Virgil scrunched his face up and tilted it into the sun, leaving his eyes closed longer than he’d be comfortable with if he were anxious. Once Virgil had blinked his eyes back open, it seemed now would be as good a time as any to bring up the raid. 

“Thank you for following me out, Virgil, I do appreciate you not trying anything hasty. Fireballs are not as much your forte as invisibility.” 

“That was one time!” Virgil protested. “I’m not the one who got us run out of town for somehow finding a real truth serum to sell the mayor.” Declyn knew he wasn’t annoyed as his tone would have suggested to someone else.

“Now that it’s over, we can laugh about it!” Declyn said. “The admission he was hoarding grain really did cause such consternation! Nothing so exciting had happened in that little town for years.”

“We could laugh if I didn’t almost get an arrow in the ass,” Virgil grumbled, but the corners of his mouth were twitching up despite himself. His low voice and withdrawn expressions were only intimidating five minutes into meeting him, Declyn thought. After that, they were practically endearing. 

“Oh, of course, of course,” Declyn said, voice dripping with sarcasm. The effect was lost because he, too, was smiling. Encounters like the one earlier could really spook Virgil, and he was glad this one hadn’t as much. 

One-two, one-two. They didn’t even notice how in time their footsteps were.

“You did a good job,” Virgil said. “They were idiots, not High Command, and that helped a lot. But you weren’t too bad.”

“Why, thank you, Virgil,” Declyn said archly. “I shall remember your effusive compliments for the rest of my days.”

“Course you will,” Virgil said. He tilted his face into the sun once again. “This weather would be nice if it didn’t make you so fucking sweaty.”

“Strike two for being charming. I feel I might just swoon away.”

“You’re the silver-tongued one of the group - as you keep telling me they called you in your home city.” Virgil teased. “So you should be doing the flirting.”

“They also said I was cold-hearted.” Declyn’s face twisted into a pantomime of disgust. “Rue the day I flirt with you.” 

They laughed together, the noise swooping over the birdsong and buzzing insects, a natural part of the summer landscape. 

“The thought of you being in one of those little squadrons is bizarre,” Declyn said. “You’re so not a team player.”

“Yeah, not a huge fan of groups,” Virgil said. “Or leaders. Or orders.” He shrugged. “Or the group hating you for not following cruel orders, but that’s just the way of that kind of structure, isn’t it?” 

A rebellious village who wouldn’t pay taxes after a poor harvest; being pushed into formation by his leader; the order to burn and destroy what the crown couldn’t have- 

a deluge of water to put it all out which shocked them so much they didn’t trace it to Virgil until he was invisible and untraceable in the woods. 

“It’s best to work alone, this we both know well,” Declyn said. He’d struck off alone when he was just barely sixteen, leaving the crowded city he’d been born in where his cup games and card tricks had to jostle with hundreds of others scratching and pushing for a living, heading for the novelty of the mountains and travel. Even before, he’d been a solitary child- how much that was a choice and how much he’d driven away other children in his deceitful schemes and scheming deceits was a matter of interpretation between him and them. He was always wanting, wanting, wanting, and until he met Virgil and began to work even more elaborate schemes, he thought there wasn’t even a chance his ambition could be satisfied.

Virgil nodded. “Nice to work alone with you.”

There was a not-entirely serious lilt to his voice, and it quietened something inside Declyn. He gave Virgil a cordial nod, also not entirely serious. “Likewise.”

Virgil gave a little evil laugh. “That’s right. You’re stuck with me.” 

Diamonds

“Virgil, never in my life have I met someone who washes brambles straight off the hedgerow. Please, eat them like a human being.”

Autumn meant walking back to the fires of the city, and walking meant stealing brambles (as Declyn would say) or blackberries (as Virgil insisted they were called) off the hedgerows they passed, along with the apples of any farmer who had let his tree grow too far over his fences.

Virgil plucked another blackberry off the hedgerow and hosed it down with a little stream of water he collected from the moisture in the air. His eyes glowed purple as he used his magic. “You don’t know where this thing has been.”

“On the bloody hedgerow!” Declyn said with a wild gesture at the clean-looking bush. “Where else?”

“Maybe there are insects in it, or maybe...a mouse has been there, or-”

Delcyn was bickering, but not annoyed. “Sometimes I forget you grew up in the palace, and at times like this-”

“You say that like I was a prince rather than a child soldier-”

“Child soldier, you’re so dramatic, you were a cadet at best-”

“And, yes, we did wash fruit, so we didn’t get sick-”

“Virgil,” Declyn took a big breath. “Are you completely sure that this innocent little berry, washed by the rains, dried by the suns, is less hygienic than some of the food we get served at the cheaper of the inns?”  

“Look, if an insect gets into a stew at least it’s not alive.” Virgil picked another one and washed it again. “Just let me live, dude.”

Declyn looked at the orange leaves which fell as they did every year, showing the turning of the seasons, the sky cloudy and stretching out to infinity, the dew-drops on a spider’s web which was itself a miracle of nature. Then he decided he was much too petty to let this go. “Of course, there’s nothing more normal than washing your brambles- sorry, blackberries -” He picked a ripe one and tossed it upward to catch with his mouth.

There was a flash as the blackberry disappeared and reappeared in Virgil’s own hand. He carefully hosed it down, eyes glowing with purple in a way Declyn knew was natural but nevertheless decided to read as an insult, and then handed it back to Declyn with a completely shit-eating grin. “Now you’re not gonna get poisoned.”

Declyn held up a single finger as he gathered his faculties.

Virgil couldn’t help snorting with anticipatory laughter.

“Never-” Declyn began

“Uh-huh?”

“-so insulted-”

“Oh really?”

“This is an affront, a misuse of your magic-”

“You sound like the leader I had when I was thirteen-”

Out of principle, Declyn threw the blackberry to the side of the road.

Virgil merely opened a hand and it flew back into it. He began to hose it off again.

“Virgil, not once in my thirty years of life have I felt the need to rinse a piece of fruit. I am not a bloody noble. Outside of the palace, neither drinking water nor food were so abundant.”

Virgil flicked his eyes over Declyn, to see if he’d gone too far. It wasn’t like tension could build up about their backgrounds with how often they bickered bringing them into it, but there were sensitive parts for both of them. “Give me a bet,” Virgil said.

“Pardon?”

“Give me a bet,” Virgil repeated. “The winner gets the other to eat his way.”

Declyn rolled his eyes. He knew Virgil was placating him, but...he didn’t mind too much. “Fine. The bet is very easy. You find a single insect on a blackberry, and you’re justified.”

“How’d you know I won’t lie to you that I saw one?”

Declyn gave Virgil a look. They both knew Virgil didn’t lie to Declyn. Whether Declyn did to Virgil they were much less sure about - or, Declyn was more unsure than Virgil seemed to be.

“Fine,” Virgil said. “C’mon you wriggly little motherfuckers...”

As Virgil poked around the hedgerow, Declyn continued contentedly eating blackberries, happy to pause walking for a short while. He scrunched his eyes and tilted them up into the weakening rays of the autumn sun.

Five minutes later, Virgil conceded defeat.

“I win, of course,” Declyn crowed. Even if Virgil had given it to him, victory was still tart and sweet as he popped a blackberry into his mouth.

Virgil took one of the highest brambles from the hedgerow. With ceremony, he placed it on his tongue. “Well,” he said after it was eaten. “I’m not dead yet.”

“No. I wish we could carry more of these,” Declyn mused. “It would be nice further on down the road…”

Virgil tilted his head as he thought about that. “You got that empty bottle from earlier? The one which had mead in it.”

“Unfortunately I might have possibly sat on my pack when we had lunch and there was a rather nasty crunching.”

Virgil hummed in thought. “Can you give me the pieces?”

Declyn rooted through his backpack and found the shards at the bottom, which he carefully extracted and put into Virgil’s cupped hands.

After just a moment focusing on the shapes, Virgil’s eyes began to glow as the edges of the glass shards melted and attached, so a crystalline bowl shape was made. “There you are.”

It looked almost like the kind of diamond dishes nobles would propose with.

“Yes, a thousand times yes!” Declyn said as he took it off Virgil. “Oh, my darling.”

“What the-” Virgil looked back at the bowl again and his eyes widened in understanding. “Oh!” He laughed. “Only the most expensive things for you.”

“My, it sparkles in the sun like how your eyes look when you hear your favourite edgy songs about ghosts and lost lovers started by a fair performer!” Declyn teased. “It’s almost as cutting as your comments! And it’s so deep-” He flashed Virgil a smile. “It still probably can’t carry as much as those eye bags, though.”

Virgil rolled his eyes, less into the play-acting. He seemed almost embarrassed.  “I thought I’d get you something as genuine as you are.”

Declyn held a hand over his heart. “You say the sweetest things.”

They walked on, filling the makeshift bowl with blackberries- “Brambles,” Declyn corrected.

“It’s my wedding too, I can call them blackberries.”

“If I call you handsome, can I call them brambles?”

Virgil’s cheeks went pink, and Declyn laughed, because he had won - even if he was pretty sure Virgil had still let him.

When they came into town, a group of kids in ragged clothing ran up to see the performers, and they handed over the blackberries as Declyn put on a show with close-up magic and Virgil sat and watched, seeing as he hadn’t had time to go invisible. Declyn drew coins out behind the children’s ears and left them with the kids. It might have to be a night on the grassy verge of the road, but Virgil didn’t think about stopping his partner.

They left the bowl with the kids too.

“It was Virgil’s wedding proposal to me,” Declyn said seriously.

“Really?” A girl tilted her head to look at it and assess it.

“No,” Declyn said. “It’s just glass, but don’t say that to whoever you sell it to. Besides, Virgil and I...” He met Virgil’s eyes. He’d been about to make a jab about how different they were, but that didn’t feel true. Maybe lying to Virgil was only hard when it hurt him. “When the time comes, Virgil will know when I’m proposing.”

“I’ll know when you con someone out of their dish and I help get it off them in plain sight,” Virgil joked, and warmth flooded Declyn’s chest. He’d kept his friend happy, and all was well in the world.

“You’re no good at sleight of hand,” Declyn said as if in answer to a question a few exchanges later.

The little girl wandered off, uninterested now that she had the dish.

“I don’t need it, I have actual magic,” Virgil replied.

“And you give yourself away so obviously!” Declyn said. “If it’s something like today and you can’t go invisible, you should still help.” He drew his cards out of their inside pocket of  his cloak. “Come, I should teach you.”

“Oh yeah?”

With a flick of his wrist, Declyn drew a card out of his sleeve. “This one is child’s play. Come on, at least try.”

Virgil laughed through his nose. “Only because it would piss everyone else off back home.”

Spades

It was the first snowy day of a crisp winter. As they walked in the icy cold, Declyn had teased Virgil about his cosy palace upbringing (that many mages could build crazily efficient central heating) all the way into town, and completely missed the purple flicker in Virgil’s eyes which preceded a pile of snow sliding down a rooftop and landing directly on top of him.

Declyn toppled over. The uncomfortably wet and unbearably cold sensation of snow soaking into every part of his being caused him to shriek in mild shock and not-so-mild irritation as Virgil laughed so hard he fell into the snow himself.

“And you-” Virgil was almost breathless. “You just-” He cackled. “Serves you right-” The way he laughed was bubbling and open, like a child- ha ha ha ha!

A sharp spike of something went through Declyn at the sight of Virgil, red-cheeked and eyes crinkled as he laughed in whooping bursts. He decided the spike was definitely a need for revenge. “Oh, Virgil!” He called in a sing-song voice. “I shall of course forgive this-” As soon as he had his friend’s attention he gathered up a pile of snow and lunged for Virgil’s neck. Virgil rolled out of the way at the last moment, flicking snow at Declyn. Not to be outdone, Declyn feinted right before darting his hand over Virgil’s wrist and using his knee to pin him down. He gathered a handful of snow and held it over Virgil’s face in triumph. “Any last words?”

Virgil’s chest kicked beneath Declyn and at that and his wide-eyed expression he let go immediately. “Too much?”

Virgil nodded, closing his eyes for a brief moment and pushing himself up. “Give me a moment, then I’ll utterly destroy you in a snowball fight.”

For a few moments, Declyn sat shivering as Virgil composed himself and watched the slow rise and fall of his chest. Then he leapt to his feet with a wicked grin. “Ten seconds to prepare, then we go?”

Declyn matched Virgil’s expression. “Prepare to be decimated.”

*

When they tumbled into the inn, both were soaked and shivering. Virgil looked embarrassed to come into the building that way, but Declyn was riding high on his victory and came to the counter without a shred of shame at the snowmelt he was trailing over the entrance.

“A room for two, please.” It was cheaper than two singles.

The innkeeper gave the two of them a searching look. “That’s seven fiebri, three more for breakfast, and we only have ones with one bed left.”

“That’s quite alright.” It happened sometimes, and they were happy to just stick to their own sides.

The room was small and plain, but it had a lock to protect their possessions and a bed, and that was all they needed. They dumped their soaked packs by the fire in the hope they might dry by morning, then kicked off their damp clothes and pulled on new ones, playing over the highlights of their match, and deciding they were too tired for dinner.

It was very cold, as night fell, and Delcyn teased Virgil by putting his cold feet on his back, which resulted in Virgil heating himself up so quickly that Delcyn pulled his foot away with a yelp. They fell asleep quickly, exhausted by the walking and snowball fight that day.

*

Declyn woke up to Virgil cuddled into his side. He was soft, and warm. His breath whistled through his nose as he slept and Declyn was going to have a heart attack. It hurt to be so close. All of it hurt: the way the morning light drifted across Virgil’s hair, rumpled and a little greasy from travel and completely out of bounds for Declyn to touch, how defenseless Virgil was, the warmth pressed steady to his side, the scent of soap and smoke- the curve of Virgil’s cheek, how it had softened since he left the army, even his bloody eye bags which didn’t disappear after hours of rest-

Declyn could read cards and other people, nothing else. This pain was a foreigner in his body; he couldn’t translate what it was telling him. It was just Virgil.

Was he angry at Virgil? No. No, that felt all wrong. Jealous? Grieving? No, Virgil wasn’t going anywhere. You’re stuck with me.

They were stuck together, weren’t they? This was...it, now.

Declyn and Virgil. The same scam, the same routine, the same banter, the same understanding, the same room every night. To his horror, heat prickled at the corner of his eyes. That sounded perfect.

Scrunching his eyes shut to try and squeeze the tears away, he instead sent one rolling down his cheek and onto Virgil’s.

“-fucking inn-keeper,” Virgil growled without opening his eyes. His voice was rough with sleep and to hear the normal rasp of it from him now, with the foreign aching beating at Declyn’s breastbone like a second heart, was cataclysmic.

Suppressed sobs were tremors, tears flooded his eyes, and the wanting wanting wanting Virgil usually quieted in him was back, but as something entirely different. He wanted Virgil to be awake, and with him, and at the same time he couldn’t bear for him to see.

Naturally, Virgil woke at Declyn's slight shaking beside him. "Dec?" his eyes blinked open. "Oh, fuck, I..." He scrambled back to the corner of the bed, trying to give Declyn as much space as possible. "I'm so sorry, I was asleep, I swear. Maybe you can try and breathe with me-"

Declyn didn't know what to do. He threw Virgil's pillow at him. "I'm not panicking, you fool."

"...you kind of seem like you are, dude." Virgil got off the bed fully, edging towards the door. "Do you want space? I can hang out downstairs, give you time-"

At that, Declyn's sobs only increased.

"What- what is the matter, then?" He was panicking, and it was so like him, Declyn thought, and-

Declyn had never called a spade a spade if he could call it an ‘digging implement with exciting capabilities never seen before- you could even carry it by the handle!’ and sell it for twice the price, but Virgil was adamant about not letting Declyn even subtly convince or manipulate him. Besides, his words felt inadequate and flimsy. There was no dignified way to ask for what he wanted.

“Come cuddle me, you dumb fuck,” Declyn sobbed.

Virgil’s eyes widened and he came back to  bed, laying down besides Declyn. “Geez, they don't say you're silver-tongued and cold-hearted for nothing,” he grumbled. But he scooted up to Declyn and wrapped his arms back around him gently.

Declyn buried his face in the crook of Virgil’s neck, curling his arms in front of him as he squished against Virgil’s chest.

Virgil didn’t ask what was up, even though this was hugely out of character. He just held Declyn close and rubbed his back occasionally.

Needing to be close, not knowing why, Declyn wiggled his ankle between Virgil’s and in response Virgil tangled their legs together.

Virgil breathed deeply, already sounding like he was half back to sleep.

Declyn let their chests move together. He could feel Virgil’s heartbeat.

After some time, Declyn’s sobs tailed off but he didn’t want to let go. Still, he should compose himself, put himself back together, all of that…

But he didn't. Around them, the sound of people clattering around to get out of their rooms came through the thin wall, there was a distant crash, a shouted disagreement. They made the moment better, because they made it real. Declyn felt a puff of air in his hair as Virgil slid back into sleep, and he let his own eyes flutter shut. Just a few more minutes of this and they'd be on the road....

And so, Declyn drifted back off into sleep in the arms of his partner.

They woke up late, ran a game involving Virgil vanishing and reappearing dice, then walked to the next village, all without discussing it. That night-

“Single or double bed?” Another bored innkeeper, almost indistinguishable from the one in the last town.

Declyn grinned at his friend. “Still feeling cuddly, Virge?”

“Oh, I think a little birdie told me the answer-” In the same elaborate gesture as Declyn used to reveal the products of his close-up illusion, Virgil flipped his partner in crime off.

“Shame, really. You do run like a furnace. All that luxurious heat as a child must have soaked into your skin-”

“-and they say the streets of your city are covered in shit.”

The innkeeper was singularly unimpressed at their snarking. “One or two?”

Virgil shrugged. “Guess I’ll have to take pity on Declyn’s cold-bloodedness and say one.”

In a worldless negotiation of eyes and limbs, they found themselves tangled together before they drifted off that night.

Since it was winter, they said a week later, this new arrangement was sensible.

As the buds began to bloom into spring, it didn’t change.

Hearts

It was a hot afternoon, pregnant and storm-heavy, the kind of sky which made Declyn ache in wanting. Spring was ending, and endings made him antsy. Time to go, to move, to do...but they’d eaten their lunch in the shade of an oak tree and the light was dappling Virgil’s face, and the wanting stilled into restless playfulness.

“Come on, Virgil, indulge me and guess the top card of this pile.” Declyn shook the pack at him. “It’s brand new.”

“I literally saw you cut it open and remelt the seal yesterday,” Virgil said.

“Details, details,” Declyn dismissed with a wave of his hand. “Come on, do guess. No magic.”

Virgil stuck his tongue out at Declyn, but took the pack of cards and turned them over in his hands. “Uh...well, you said that people usually go for the picture cards, so it’s better to pick a number card. But then, you know I know that, so you might just pick a picture card, if this was for me and not someone else…”

Declyn didn’t reveal anything, putting on a very impressive poker face as he watched Virgil’s lashes tilt downwards as he looked down at the cards. Virgil cut him a searching look.

“Oh…” Virgil said, his face glowing more red than gold despite the yellow light.  

Declyn raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”

Virgil ran a finger over the seam of the cards, eyes glowing purple as he disappeared the wax effortlessly. “Ace of hearts,” he said simply. He tipped out the pack to reveal, as he’d said, the ace of hearts on the top of the pile. “Is this your card?”

“It is indeed,” Declyn said. “I’m impressed.”

Virgil gave him another untranslatable look. He flicked his wrist, and Declyn was looking in his eyes as the card disappeared, so he saw there was no real magic used. Sleight of hand.

Declyn raised an eyebrow. “Do you think you can surprise me without your magic?” But his voice was approving, and suggested he would very much like to be surprised.

At that, whatever the look was intensified, Virgil’s mouth setting in a competitive quirk. He shifted closer to Declyn. He put his hand into the pocket over Declyn’s chest, and from it pulled- “Is this your heart?”

“Card,” Declyn corrected quietly. The brush of Virgil’s fingers still burned warm against his chest.

“I know what I said,” Virgil said. He was more hesitant, his eyes shifting as they searched Declyn’s own. Looking for something. Scared, but not backing away. A flush rising in his cheeks.

What was Declyn’s heart? Frozen solid, a shouting foreigner, a traitor which now flooded his own face with colour?

Slowly, he reached out to push Virgil’s hand holding the card against Virgil’s own heart. He moved their hands again, to feel the fluttering of Virgil’s chest. Last night, his head had risen and fell as it laid on Virgil’s steady breathing. His lips parted. Words, however, had deserted him.

His eyes met Virgil’s again, and there was no beating in his own chest, even as Virgil’s heart thudded against his fingers. He recognised that foreign rhythm from inside himself, from the first night of snow. “Virgil,” he said distantly.

“Yes?”

“Virgil, how long have we loved each other?”

Virgil’s eyes widened. “Both of us?”

Declyn nodded.

“I- I loved you- shit, Dec, I don’t know. I just- I guess I thought about it dicking around with the bowl. When you got all excited about teaching me card tricks after. I dunno if it was before, or after, but around- around then.” Virgil was beginning to tear up. “Do you-?”

“I don’t know,” Declyn said. “I didn’t know. But I think-” He moved one hand from Virgil’s chest to clumsily wipe at his tears. “I think, yes. I do. For a long time, now.”

“Then come kiss me, oblivious,” Virgil said gruffly, a little choked-up.

Declyn leaned in without thinking more.

It was Virgil.  The scent of soap and smoke. A quirk at the corner of his mouth that he couldn’t control. Steady pressure, warm and soft. He made sense. He was real. The kiss was not everything Declyn had imagined - Declyn had been too stupid to imagine, too scared, maybe-

But had he tried to imagine, this was nothing he could pretend.

When they pulled away both of their faces were tear-tracked. “Absolutely no-one else can know we both cried like this,” Virgil said with a wet laugh.

“And no-one will,” Declyn said, wiping at his own eyes. “Your secret is safe with me.”

In the distance, the sky broke into rain. They could see the curtain of it hanging over the mountains, grey and misting. The air began to cool, even as far away as they were, and the golden light sharpened as if reflected off glass. It was the kind of weather which made Declyn curl up against Virgil���s side, letting his partner card his hand through his hair. Tension eased from the air, shivering the leaves above as it drained away into swirling breezes. The land rolled endless away from them, with its skeins of roads unravelling into the distance. They had travelled so many of them this spring, but the playful light made them look new once more. As always, the roads tugged a place inside Declyn he didn’t think would ever be subdued. That tugging would pull them to new adventures, every day as long as he followed it. For now, it was a sweet ache as they took their unhurried time underneath the oak tree.

They kissed again, long and slow as summer days. It felt a lot like a beginning. 

[helencorsicadmore]

My ectopic pregnancy

5th September 2017

My ectopic pregnancy, a year on.

My husband and I had been trying to conceive for nearly a year, we thought it would be easy, I’d come off the pill and thought it’ll all be simple, we’ll get pregnant and then all we’ll have to worry about is what pram to buy. Unfortunately, on 5th September 2016 our lives changed forever.

Here’s my story of my ectopic pregnancy.

My periods were always pretty straight forward being on the pill from such a young age, I knew when they were due, how long they’d last and how much pain I would/wouldn’t get. I was always pretty lucky, I only ever suffered with a few spots, slightly bigger boobs and a little bit of lower back pain throughout my period, that’s about it.

In August 2016, I was away with work when I was anticipating my period becoming due, I felt like it was coming but as I was away and busy on a work trip I didn’t think anything about the fact that I was actually 3 days late. I had the usual period like symptoms and was just ‘waiting’ for my period to start. It was an extremely busy time of year so I just put it down to a bit of stress for the delay.

On the evening of Friday 12th August 2016 my husband and I (James) were going to a friend’s wedding party, for some reason I wanted to drive, it was only a 10 minute drive but we were trying to save a bit of money and I didn’t really want a hangover the next day. We got to the party, I felt very anxious as I often do in large groups but had a lovely evening none the less.

I woke up early on the Saturday morning, 13th August 2016. I’m always an early riser (we have a Labrador that insists on a walk asap in the mornings!) I had this sudden urge to do a pregnancy test, I didn’t wake my husband, I did it alone, not really having any major thoughts about it being positive or not. It was a cheap test I had bought months ago, I waited and it was positive, ever so slightly but it was positive. I didn’t know what to do next, what to feel, I just put the test next to my husbands bedside table and went to walk the dog. I was in a bit of shock I guess, happy but in shock, we'd being trying for so long.  I left my husband sleeping and I set off with Stan (Our dog).

On my return with Stan I went up to see to James in bed, he hadn’t seen the test. So I told him I was pregnant. He gave me the biggest smile, he had just woke up mind so he was slightly confused, he thought the positive test may have just been an ovulation stick as we’d been trying those aids for a while. He was very pleased as he has always wanted to be a dad.

We both wanted to make sure it was 100% positive so we said we’d go out to get a more expensive test, by this time I was nervous but happy.

We got showered and changed and headed out to obtain a pregnancy test from the local chemist. We bought it and went across to a local café. I immediately disappeared to the toilet to do the test, to my absolute joy it was still positive. I took it back to show James (in a tissue in my bag of course) and he was just so happy, he smiled from ear to ear, I remember him saying my beautiful pregnant wife. I took a picture of the test as we were discussing how we should tell our family further down the line. I’ve still got that picture saved, I don’t think I’ll ever delete it.

We carried on our day as normal, bumping into people and feeling like I wanted to tell the world, I was only 5 weeks pregnant so obviously didn’t. We both decided not to tell anyone and would wait until we had a proper scan before we broke the news.

I called the doctor on the Monday morning and said ‘I’m pregnant’, I didn’t have clue what I was supposed to do! The lady took a few details and advised that a midwife would be in touch, she ended the call saying congratulations, I smiled.

On the Tuesday I started to bleed, it was very light to start with, so I googled it and read that this can be normal in early pregnancy so I tried to think positive. I also spoke to my midwife, she seemed pleasant enough. I gave her my dates of last period etc and I remember saying ‘oh and I think I should mention I have some bleeding’ she didn’t seem phased at all, she asked me a few more details and advised I should see how it goes and if it gets worse to contact her.

The next few days were just spent thinking will the bleeding stop or not and constant google searches about bleeding in pregnancy, not once did ectopic pregnancy appear in searches.

I tried to contact my midwife but kept getting her voicemail. I contacted my doctors again as I was by now getting very anxious and they gave me an external midwife number to contact. I called the number and it stated, ‘This line is not monitored, do not leave a message’ I was at a complete loss as to what to do next. I felt like I had nowhere to go next. I had gone from being happy to very scared and lonely with no professional support.

The bleeding was getting heavier so at this point I thought I was suffering a miscarriage, I wasn’t in any real pain but just wanted the bleeding to stop. I was bleeding so much I had to change my underwear every few hours, this was distressing for me.

It got to the stage where I wasn’t able to concentrate in work so I had  to discuss the situation with my business partner as I suffered quite a heavy loss that morning and was constantly back and forth to the toilet. Her mother was an retired midwife and she advised me to call the hospital. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate hospitals, I’d been in a few times to visit my family but not really for myself. I called the EPU (Early pregnancy Unit) and the lady I spoke to was fantastic, she advised me to come in as soon as I could.

James came with me to the appointment in the hospital, I was met by a lady called Jo, she was really gentle, really listened and took the usual observations. She advised my husband and I that it was highly like I was going through a miss-carriage. She also took my bloods that day and I got the results a few hours afterwards. The doctor explained my hormone levels should be a lot higher than they were and that I would need to come to the hospital every 48 hours to be monitored. She explained the hormone levels should be doubling every test, this is what happens when you’re pregnant (I didn’t have a Scooby about this!) if they were falling then I was losing the baby.

48 hours later I went back to the hospital as planned and had another blood test. The test showed that my hormone level had increased. But only slightly and nowhere near doubled. James and I were very confused and James asked a nurse what does this result mean? The nurse casually said to him it maybe ectopic and they need to see if the hormone levels plateau. James didn’t really have a clue what she meant and had never heard the word ectopic before. I didn’t hear the nurse mention this but James did tell me what she said.  

I spent the next week at the hospital every 48 hrs checking to see if my hormone levels were decreasing…this was so disheartening and draining.

The 3rd blood test showed my hormone levels had decreased. This is when James and I got into our head I that was having a miscarriage.

We had planned a trip to London a while back and decided to still go and visit family even though I was going through a horrible time. I explained what was happening to my brother and sister in law. On the way back from London we attended my nephew’s birthday party, this was a particularly hard time for me as trying to keep a smile when all I could think about was what was wrong with me. Nobody knew at this point I was pregnant let alone what James and I were going through.

James told his family at the birthday party. We had to leave early to do another blood test so he wanted his family to know why we had to leave early. They are a very close family. His family were very comforting towards me.  

On the Sunday evening at the hospital my blood test showed that my hormone levels had increased again, so this was even more confusing and upsetting. At this point I still thought I may be pregnant and was hoping for the absolute miracle. I was told to call again if I had any pain in my shoulders or if the bleeding got heavier.

I had a very busy week ahead, we were opening a new store and I was the lead in the opening so I was trying my best to do what I could, but my bleeding was causing me some discomfort at this point and also trying to keep a smile when all you want to do is cry was so hard. I was trying to keep focused for my colleagues. I couldn’t.

I was booked in for an ultra sound later that week to see if the baby was there, I remember being so scared, you see things on the TV that all look happy and seeing the baby on the screen, this was so far from that, I was scared shitless. I knew deep down it was bad news but I remained hopeful that my baby would suddenly be ok. The sonographer I had was to put it bluntly, very rude. It didn’t seem to bother her that I was potentially going to have some very bad news, there was no emotion, compassion, nothing at all. After what felt like an age she finally advised she couldn’t see a baby in the womb but she could see a clot in my left fallopian tube and it was not a viable pregnancy and that it was ectopic.

I was then asked to go and sit in the consultant’s room, the consultant gave me two bits of paper with no real information on and said I needed to decide whether to have keyhole surgery or have methotrexate to remove the pregnancy (A toxic injection that medically manages ectopic pregnancy). This was the most horrendous few minutes of my life. Whilst my husband and I were trying to decide what was best for me the two women in the room were laughing and joking about their day, I felt like I wanted to scream. It was so unprofessional.

We decided to have the methotrexate injections instead of opting for surgery.

That afternoon I had the methotrexate injections in both my thighs, this was the worst pain I had ever felt at this point. I couldn’t walk very much after and my stomach pain was increasing. As the nurse advised me it would get worse before it got better I just assumed this was normal.

On the evening of Sunday I was in such intense pain I was screaming when going to the toilet, I didn’t know what to do, I remember my husband asking me on a scale of 1 to 10 what is your pain, I said I think 10. We called the EPU straight away and they advised to take me to A&E.

The car journey to A&E felt like a lifetime, I could barely walk at this point as I was crimpled in pain. The lady at the desk at A&E was great, she took me through to another section of the hospital to be away from all the waiting room staring at me, and I saw a doctor immediately.

I was rushed up to EPU and saw a consultant, she examined me and advised I needed emergency surgery in order to save my life, your ectopic has ruptured and I was bleeding heavily internally, we need to act now before the worse could happen. I didn’t really know what to do or say, I was in so much pain, I was terrified. I kept saying “why me?” I was so upset and in a great deal of pain.

The next thing I know is I signed a form and I was on a bed being take to theatre. I remember saying to James if I don’t make it I love you, I’m sorry and look after Stan (Our dog). I was so scared, it suddenly dawned on me that I could have died.

I had to have a laparotomy and lost my left fallopian tube.

The next few days in hospital were the worst ever, I had not only lost our baby but having the most evasive surgery, (basically having a C-Section but not having a baby at the end) just ruined me. I had never had surgery before, never been in a hospital for myself and just felt so alone.

I was a fit, healthy and a young (ish!) woman.  I couldn’t even move, let alone walk. I couldn’t even move to sit up, I felt lost, angry and very sad.

I had some other minor issues after the surgery which meant I had to stay in for nearly a week. The hospital left a lot to be desired, but I felt safe in there as I didn’t know what to expect when I knew I had to leave, I would be on my own. I was scared to say the least. The worst thing was we were in the middle of moving house at the time, I was so frustrated, I couldn’t help at all, I couldn’t pack or unpack or anything. I’m such a hands-on person and this frustrated me so much.

Throughout the whole experience my husband was the strongest most wonderful man, I felt so sad that I couldn’t carry his baby and that I was now dependant on him to get better. But he didn’t moan, he just looked after me.

Despite this he is also a very practical person and needed to move on very quickly, I felt couldn’t.

I had lost a huge part of me, I had lost one of my fallopian tubes and of course our baby. Despite being very lucky that I was alive, I suffered with PTSD, my body had dramatically changed and I couldn’t look in the mirror for a long time. I needed counselling, I simply didn’t know where to turn.

After my operation, I didn’t have any guidance or wasn’t provided with any information on what to do next, I needed someone to talk to, some friends or just someone to listen. I was just sent away from the hospital with my pain relief and that was it.

If anyone knows me I am a google geek, I’m always like ‘oh wait I’ll google it’…through google I found a fantastic site that helped me through some of my darkest days.

I spent a lot of time on the ectopic.org.uk website, they have this fantastic forum and the volunteers on the site made me feel very comfortable, they listened, they offered advice and were the most fantastic sounding board. I cannot thank the ladies enough. The best thing about the site was they have all suffered in the same way, some worse, so they understood what I was going through. I hadn’t just lost a baby, I had lost a part of me and having a constant reminder on your body in the shape of a 5 inch scar where the baby should have come out of is difficult.

My original due date was a tough day (April 17th), you’re always thinking why isn’t she/he here? But I got through it.

Still to this day when I look at my scar I have very mixed feelings, lucky to be alive and a reminder of what I had been through. I often can’t touch it and rarely look at it.

 What I have learned.

There is not enough awareness of ectopic pregnancies, if I had been diagnosed sooner I may have not lost a tube, which meant I would not have a less chance of getting pregnant in the future and may have not needed such evasive surgery, which I have to see every day.

There is definitely not enough support afterwards, or easily available advice.

Having an ectopic pregnancy was a hugely overwhelming experience. It’s not just the physical demands, I have never felt so much emotion of grief, anxiety, being so fearful of everything and everyone being so confused all in one go.

To this day I have never heard back from my given midwife.

It is ok to grieve. I still grieve, not only about the loss of the baby but the loss of how my body changed so dramatically and how deep my PTSD went. People will avoid you as they don’t know what to say, I get that.

What I understand is that it was and still ok to avoid people that were/are pregnant. I still find this difficult to this day, not that I am not happy for those people, it just takes me a while to come around.

I now suffer quite bad ovulation pains and my scar tissue gives me jip all the time but it reminds me that I’m alive, so for that I am grateful.

I’m very open about my situation and comfortable talking about it if I need to.

Each day a year on, I remember how lucky I am to be alive and am eternally grateful for all the love and support I have had from family, the friends that were there for me, my counsellor and some complete strangers.

James and I will hopefully be able to have a family one day, I can’t say I am not scared in the slightest, I'm so scared but now I am positive to feel able to move on.

The only way is forward now, I must remember each day to be kind to myself (wonderful advice from my counsellor) and James and I are together stronger.

#ectopicpregnancy

[losswiththegreendragonprincess]

My Story of Our Loss

I would like to share something, with great sadness in my heart, but I want to share this because I felt and feel SO alone, especially once I was told the news, and I seriously do nOt wish these feelings on anyone. I also wanted to bring awareness to those who don't completely understand, because I never knew how bad it hurt until it happened to me. This does not only affect us, but the people around us. I will tell you my story, and I pray that this is shared, because I don't want another woman like me, to feel this alone.  Ever.  PLEASE KNOW, IT IS OKAY, TO NOT BE OKAY And-IT IS OKAY TO CRY AT A MCDONALDS, or ANYWHERE ELSE.

On July 27th, I found out I was pregnant.  My husband and I were filled with joy, to bring another person for our son to be best friends with.  And all the other wonderful joys of being siblings.  My First ultrasound was scheduled for Sept. 9th, but... we never got there.  On August 25th, I had some spotting, and I was filled with the worst feeling I could even imagine; I knew something was wrong.  I called, made an appointment for the next day, as it was after 4:00pm, and waited.  I cried.  I sobbed.  I was so scared.  We stayed with some family, and I called my mom, who was ready to jump on a plane and come to us in a heartbeat if she needed to. August 26th morning comes around, and we hear the wonderful sounds of not only one, but TWO heartbeats in one sack.  Normal twins usually have two separate areas, otherwise known as a sac (think of balloons). Mine were Monoamniotic Twins, since they shared the same “balloon.” I called them my MoMo's.  This case is very rare, and only happens to about 1% of women (according to my google research).  I was 6 weeks and 5 days, according to my MoMo's sizes.  Their heart beats were strong, at 135 Baby A/134 Baby B. We were SO scared and anxious, trying to prepare for not only two people getting along, but three; two being Newborns, but at the same time we were so thrilled.  We made plans to make it work, really fast.  We had told my family, my husband’s family, and a few select friends and other family, we were so excited, and just trying to process this amazing news! On August 29th, we had planned for my in-laws to take our son for the night, so we could relax from the excitement, and for the whole day, my husband took our son out with some of his family, so I could sleep in.  Once he, our son and his mom came back, I got dressed to go and I drove to their house, because I get nauseous when my husband drives.  When we pulled up in the driveway, I turned around to look at my son, and mother-in-law in the back seat, laughing and giggling, and I felt a little gush.  Tiny little sploosh, if you will...  I immediately looked at my husband and said, "I... I need to go to the bathroom..." as tears filled my eyes. Shortly after, my husband took me to the Emergency Room, where I had multiple exams done, blood work, external ultrasound, and internal ultrasound...  When the technician didn't say anything, I knew it wasn't good news, and I couldn't stop shaking. About an hour goes by, and the main doctor for the area comes in, and tells me, "I.. I am so sorry.. We couldn't find either heart beat. I don't know what happened, and a good majority of the time, there is no explanation, and it just.. Happens.  You did absolutely nothing wrong, there wasn't anything that you or anyone else could’ve done to change this..." and I tried to hold back tears, and she looked at me and said "It's okay to cry, sweetie...  I know it seems like such a taboo situation, but it shouldn't be.  This happens quite frequently, and it's okay to not be okay." AND you know what, SHe's FREAKING RIGHT.  This should NOT be a taboo situation....  in that moment, I felt so alone, and like I couldn't talk to anyone about it, but I want to make this a thing that we can talk about, like depression and anxiety, because this has a very strong possibility of causing those emotions, and THAT'S OKAY, BECAUSE women like me?  We are not alone.  When the doctor left, I sobbed, I yelled, I couldn't hold back any noise coming out of my body, and I felt so.... sooooo terrible.  Why?  Well... aside from the obvious, I felt bad that another human being had to tell me this news; this cannot be easy on them, either.  They're human.  They dread moments like these, and I was loud. We left the hospital, I had hope that they were wrong, but something inside of me knew that they were right, and it was going to be okay, either way.  Not today, not tomorrow, and probably not for a while, but some day, everything will be okay.. My dad always told me, "Look up sometimes, you'll never know what to expect," and when we left the hospital and got on the road, there was this amazingly beautiful sunset, and I understand that not everyone has this availability after hearing such terrible news, but I wanted to share this, because, I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason.  It freaking SUCKS, and that's not even close to how women like me feel. The next morning, I was angry.  I was crying.  I was all over the place, but damn was I glad that my son was somewhere else for a short while, because he would be upset, too. Not everyone is able to have even just one child, and I am soaking in every single moment that I can, because it could've been thIS easy for him... And I feel like I took a lot of things for granted.  The morning of August 31st I called the doctors office and was scheduled to be seen at 1pm, they seemed pretty stern on seeing me as soon as possible, and I am so very grateful I had my husband with me, and we had everything confirmed.  I asked the technician to let me see them one more time, after I explained that I would not be mad at her for any reason, and she very kindly let me.  I cried some more, she took some pictures, and I have them close.  We went to McDonalds to get some chicken nuggets, (because they always help me feel at least a little better), and I cried in the drive through.  Hard core. Cried like nobody's business.  I took a deep breath and told myself, "we're going to be okay.  It's okay to feel this.  Let it happen." and I was able to calm down before pulling up to the window. As I'm processing this (still days after writing this), it still feels like a massive nightmare..  The world looks completely different to me, the sun seems to hit harder than it used to, and my depression easily takes over.  But what I'm trying to do, to help me cope, to help me understand, is I try not to be alone, and if I feel lonely, I call someone.  I'm seeking therapy, I'm in a miscarriage group on Facebook, everyone is more than supportive for one another, and I'm seriously trying to make sure that nobody else feels as alone as I have. I have small goals for myself, as for my hobbies I've put off for a long time, I'm aiming to pick up my guitar by February.  I know that seems like a long time, but I need to process and feel my emotions.  Remind myself that it's okay to not be okay, as long as I don't succumb to this darkness in my life.  I aim to go for a walk every day, just to get this off my mind even for a few minutes.  I want to do some Yoga, to help myself get back into better shape.  I want to be able to look at my sewing machine and see possibilities, instead of failures...  Those other goals don't have a time limit, yet, as I am trying to take everything one step at a time.  Allow myself to grieve. Mourn.  Feel my feelings.  Not be ashamed of something I couldn't control.  As this healing process goes on, I really aim to share these with you, and each time, I will be putting hearts in order of a rainbow, probably two, just because I will always remember my rainbows, and always have faith that they have each other.  I will see them again.  No rush.  It might be awhile before I see them again, but I will see them again. Please don't let this just pass by. Please don't let this be taboo for those who need support the most. A loss is a loss, no matter how close or far. To our babies who are too beautiful for this earth... Our sweet babies we haven’t been able to meet, yet, I am so grateful that you have each other..... Both your daddy and I wish we could’ve given you both at least one big hug, before you left us, just so you know how much we love you both.  Your daddy and I also hope you left knowing how much your mommy and daddy love and always will love you. Please wait for us, our beautiful double rainbows. Love, Mommy, Daddy and Your Big Brother