#Like it may be that I'm just... Slow to process info but I seriously feel like I can't keep up with what they say

[sskk-manifesto]

Omg I actually enjoyed this episode quite a bit!!!

[fursasaida]

Do you have any advice for someone who loves learning and reading about all kinds of stuff but isn't academically trained to understand lots of things? Tbh, I'm curious about everything but I feel stupid when I read things I don't understand right away. It's like I lack critical thinking which makes me endlessly sad because that's something I'd like to develop but idk how. It feels like I passively absorb info, and even the things I understand, I tend to forget or don't know how to articulate :(

I think it would help if I had a concrete example or some more details about what exactly you’re struggling with, but I can offer some general thoughts. (I’m procrastinating on some research by answering this, so it got long. If anything needs clarifying, feel free to come back and let me know.)

“I feel stupid when I read things I don’t understand right away.”

I think it’s very important to understand that being smart or being stupid are phrases so broad they barely mean anything. Understanding a text right away means you have certain skills and knowledge that enable you to do that. It says nothing about your potential to develop those skills and that knowledge base.  I am very good at understanding texts, which means people say that I am “smart” because that skill is valued in a particular way. If you asked me to plow a field I would suddenly be “too stupid” to do it, because I do not have the skills and knowledge. But I could learn them!

And for that matter, even if you never become someone who “gets” texts right away, so what? A lot of people could stand to slow down, if you ask me.

This brings me directly to:

“It’s like I lack critical thinking”

That feeling of running into a wall is actually one of the best tools you could have for thinking critically. Many, many, many people who easily understand academic/analytical writing fail to question what they read, precisely because they can just sort of gulp it down. If you are getting snagged on what someone is saying, it’s not because you are incapable of grasping the Expert Truth they are conveying; it’s because on some level you disagree, or don’t share the worldview that underlies their thinking. (Or also, and this option is not always given enough credence, because they’re a bad writer. [Coughs in Donna Haraway’s direction])

This is true even, or especially, if what’s snagging you is that you don’t understand what they’re saying. This is because in their writing they have assumed their readers share a lot of contextual knowledge and assumptions. That’s not bad in itself; if everybody stopped to fully explain every single term, connection, and assertion in everything they wrote, shit would be impossible. But I want to emphasize that if you happen to fall outside the bounds of those assumptions, it not only does not mean you are stupid, it means you are especially well equipped to question and criticize them--so long as you do the work to understand them, in good faith.

(I add that last corollary because there is a problem where people don’t bother to understand where things are coming from before attacking them, and that’s not useful to anyone. But clearly you are not one of these people. I’d like to encourage you to consider these “I don’t get it” moments not as reasons to give up but as a genuinely good starting point for developing the critical skills you so badly want to have.)

An author makes a statement. The statement doesn’t make sense to you. Why not? Are there words you don’t know? Look them up. Look up their etymology, or examples of their being used in sentences, if you need more than the definition is giving you. Is it the content of the statement itself? Then clearly the author and you are coming at whatever the subject is with different background information and assumptions. (This is still true if it’s a subject you know nothing about! That’s a prime example of coming at it with different assumptions. The author assumes a lot of things about the world that you don’t, because you haven’t learned them.) The important question is not What’s wrong with me that I don’t share this author’s assumptions? Rather, the question is Can I figure out what is behind this author’s statement? And once you arrive at some idea about the answer to that, the task is not necessarily to bring yourself into agreement with it, but to decide whether you think it makes sense or not.

This is where an example would be helpful, because “figure out what the underlying assumptions are” is very vague and I’m sure you’re sitting here like, “Oh, sure, just like that.” So, to start with: The things that pull you up short are the things you should ask questions about. What is it in my understanding of the world that makes this statement not make sense? (One way to look at this is: is there a different but related statement that does make sense to me? What’s different between the two, and why does it make such a difference to me?) What would I have to believe, or assume, for the statement to make sense to me? Why did this person mention this example and not those, and can I interpret this choice as something that makes sense to me? Or as a clue that reveals something about where this text is coming from?

And to be clear, when I say “underlying assumptions,” I don’t mean that this only/always means sussing out bias or prejudice in the usual way those words are used. I also mean the things that author learned in their field before writing the text, which you have not. Like, a lot of what I write now depends on the assumption that there is a difference between “absolute space” and “place.” You might have to read up on that a bit to know what I’m saying at a given moment because you aren’t specialized in what I’m specialized in. You might then decide you think this distinction is bollocks! Reading up on it isn’t necessarily just to get you to agree with me. It’s to get you to where you can make an informed decision about agreeing or not.

Often the biggest assumptions lie in the simplest statements. I’m reading about the Cold War a lot right now. If someone says, for example, “The Cold War was the dominant structure of international politics between 1945 and 1989,” this seems very obvious and straightforward. It’s a basic statement of what most people mean when they refer to “the Cold War” at all. It’s “a historical fact,” a piece of information for those interested in history to “absorb.” But there are a lot of questions worth asking about this! Are we sure there was only one, singular (“the”) Cold War? Was it really “the dominant structure” for everyone, everywhere, that whole time? What is a “structure” and what makes one “dominant”? Are we completely sure about those start and end dates, and do they apply everywhere?

Now one can imagine that if I were to ask all these questions of someone who referred to the Cold War this way in a dinner conversation or something, I might appear very ignorant--or “stupid.” But being critical means not accepting things at face value. I may know perfectly well exactly what this person is referring to, but if I want to question the assumptions built into that reference, I have to ask about things that are “obvious” or “well known.”

The good news is that when you’re reading a text, you don’t have to worry about other people at the table judging you. It sounds like right now you are doing that to yourself, and I would very much like to encourage you not to. Having “dumb” questions is being critical. The only difference between “I don’t understand this sentence about the Cold War” and “I have a critique of this sentence about the Cold War” is that in the first case, I have questions about the sentence; in the second case, I have developed answers to my own questions about the sentence. But both of them involve looking at the sentence and saying “this doesn’t add up to me.”

Criticism is a process. Developing expertise does mean getting to a point that you don’t need to do extensive research every time you read or criticize something, but there will always be new things you don’t understand and have to put in the work to be able to critique. The vast majority of ~inspiration~ among academics, if you read/listen to them talking about their research projects, comes out of bumping up against something they don’t understand and just not being satisfied until they could account for it. That could be anything from the way the word “democracy” was used in the Iran-Contra hearings to the everyday social fact that women are routinely expected to have longer hair than men in much of the United States.

So. You are actually in a great place to get better at this, because everybody who is seriously and honestly trying to be critical has to start from making the obvious not-obvious--from not understanding something.

That brings me to the last thing I want to address:

“It feels like I passively absorb info, and even the things I understand, I tend to forget or don't know how to articulate.”

Criticism, or just--learning--isn’t just a process; as what I was saying about academics above already suggests, it’s a project. This is not only true of academics. Plenty of people who aren’t academics do research or study things on their own just because they’re interested. But the kernel of that interest is a desire to understand something, whether it’s for a practical purpose or not. Maybe you’re teaching yourself to sew and having a lot of trouble with a particular stitch, and you want to figure out if that stitch is standard because it’s actually the most functional or if there’s some other reason, which would mean you could use something different. Or maybe you just really want to know what’s up with sea turtles. Either way, there is something you want.

I think if you identify specific questions about or interests in the world and pursue those, you will have an easier time building these skills and retaining information. (This doesn’t mean you have to give up your general curiosity! Just that at any given time, you are focusing on a few specific things.) Information sticks with us because it’s useful somehow. If your goal isn’t just “know things” but “figure out this thing, specifically” then information about that thing has an actual use for you. So think about something that you’ve had a lot of trouble understanding and that you want to understand--not because you feel like you’re supposed to, or because you feel ashamed that you don’t, but because you want answers to your questions. Your project is now satisfying that curiosity.

I find the more I think about a question I have, the more I start to see information that’s applicable to it popping out of the world all around me, everywhere, even when I’m not actively “working on it.” And I remember those things because they are not just “information.” They are of significance to something I am trying to do, which is answer the question. And that question is not assigned to me by anyone else, not even the author of a text I don’t understand. I can only assign it to myself (I have to want to understand that text!).

And you can support this with the way you read! Reading is interactive (yes, even when it’s just you and a page and you’re not making any noise). The more you approach it that way, the more you will retain of what you read--even if you end up disagreeing with it--because you are not trying to be a container for information to fill, which is absolutely bound to leak. Instead you are looking for things that are useful to you, which may or may not be findable in the text you are currently reading. You are not a receiver. You are a spelunker.

So what does it mean to read interactively? It can mean almost anything. For people like me, it often means a lot of making notes, annotations, and so on (the physical act of annotating a text does a lot to help me retain things, for example). I have files upon files of notes and quotes and outlines from different research projects. I write out paragraphs of musings to try to articulate how my questions are shifting as I learn, or what exactly the thing I’m struggling with is. (You mentioned struggling to articulate; writing things out for yourself is one way to practice at this. So is bouncing things off a friend, which I also do a lot.) But it doesn’t have to look like this.

If you are pursuing an interest, then ultimately what you’re doing ought to be pleasurable. (I don’t mean that it should make you jump for joy every second, but the feeling of making progress toward a goal, even if a particular step is unpleasant, is still pleasurable.) If “taking notes” for you looks like drawing, then great. I once outlined a paper by drawing it as a floor plan for a two-story house. I make research playlists that I consider to be functionally identical to syllabi. I have tagged collections on this tumblr that represent some of my thinking through one set of questions or another. What I’m trying to get at is that in working to answer your own questions, you are not just abstractly trying to “understand” something, which miraculously happens or doesn’t depending on whether your mind is ~good enough~ to receive the Content. You are interacting with statements, pieces of information, images, texts, etc., which you are collecting and arranging and rearranging in order to try to reach a place where you’re satisfied. All of that is part of the process of “understanding,” and if you’re genuinely interested in that process, then the work involved shouldn’t feel like homework. So the literal things you do as part of it don’t have to be similar to schoolwork, if those kinds of things are boring or painful or just unhelpful to you. Do whatever! You’re in charge!

So, to summarize all of this: I think the first thing you need to do is think of yourself not as ignorant, stupid, or uneducated, but as someone who is actively wanting and trying to engage and learn about the world. This is admirable! This is exciting! Thus your goal is not to “absorb” information to make up some deficit, or to become some other, “smarter” person who would understand things the first time you look at them. Your goal is simply to answer your own questions about the world. From that point of view, not-understanding is not a problem. It’s necessary. It’s where the questions come from. If you have to answer a lot of sub-questions along the way--if it takes you weeks to really get what a single essay is saying--this does not say anything bad about you. It just means you’re doing the damn thing. But in order to succeed at it, you do need to have some motivation; it needs to mean something to you. (One of the biggest tricks the devil ever pulled was the idea that inquiry could ever possibly be impersonal.) And whatever that personal meaning is is good enough, I promise.

[neshabeingchildish]

03. Robin’s Telling

I’m using some of my head canons I shared when @writing-excuses​ was wondering about ones we have for Chasper in this fic. So, y’all’ll see some things that aren’t necessarily canon, but I’m trying to a certain degree to be canonical with who the characters are at their core, and trying to build the story on that. Try to be patient with me, as this ain’t really that popular of a ship and don’t really have a super amount of ‘canon fodder.’ Lol. I have about 5 chapters outlined, so after the next couple, it may slow down a little. 

Robin’s Telling or Tales from the Friendship Zone

So, whenever they were in 6th grade, Jasper and Charlotte were assigned to this team building experiment disguised as a creative writing project. They had to write a round robin story, which means that they took turns adding material to the story and had to try to feed off of the last of the information by their partner to write the installment of the story. Jasper started it off and Charlotte found it a challenge to sometimes make sense of whatever nonsense he had written, but she was a girl who could appreciate a good challenge. What she hadn’t appreciated was the ruse by their teacher to make her and Jasper get along better! But. she had to admit, it helped. 

The friends used the story and the notebook it was written in to continue this process and in turn, sort of built upon their friendship as the saga continued.  When they came to the end of the spiral, Jasper panicked. “It can’t be over! We never made an ending for it!!!” He was seriously freaking out. Charlotte happened to have another spiral notebook available at the time, and she said, “Look... We can keep it up. Maybe... this could be the second season of it. I’ll even start it out.” She opened it and started this new installment of the story, then passed it to him. “Chill out. One of these days, it has to end.”

“According to who?” He wondered, snatching the spiral from her. She rolled her eyes and walked off.

And now, they were in season 6 of Robin’s Telling, as she liked to call it (He called it Tales from the Friendship Zone), and they rarely ever really used it, but every now and then, one of them would either continue from where they left off or ask the other if they had continued yet. It was in Jasper’s care at the moment and after he left her house (which was done after he watched her sleep for a little bit, then realized that was probably weird and creepy, but waking her up was probably dangerous). He got home and his mom wasn’t even there. Typical. But, he was able to pull out the current spiral and get some writing done. He’d pass it off to her at Man Band practice.

.

Charlotte and Henry were laughing and playing video games whenever Jasper came into work. “Hey, Jasp!” Henry cheered. Charlotte didn’t say anything. Jasper wondered if everything was okay between them. 

“Hey,” he said and put his gym bag away. “What are you two playing?”

“I’m playing. He’s just losing,” Charlotte said, laughing. 

“I’m playing, she’s just being mean,” Henry corrected. 

“Neither of those statements answered my question, but enjoy.” He went back to the store and Henry gave Charlotte a weird look. She ignored it and continued playing, so he moved on, too.

Later, whenever it was time for them to go home, Henry and Charlotte were discussing plans for at Henry’s house. Apparently, they were hanging out after work, too. Eventually, Henry made some comment that seemed to elude that Jasper was invited too, but he didn’t know if he wanted to hangout with the two of them. Maybe he was just overly sensitive because he shared a lot of very intimate. personal information with Charlotte and she seemed to be acting like it never happened. Maybe she was avoiding speaking with him because he made her uncomfortable. At any rate, he said, “I don’t know how my mom’s gonna act if I spend two nights away from home.”

“No, you’ll be home later tonight,” Henry said, shrugging his shoulders.

“Maybe, you could call ahead and check in with her, to see if she’s more understanding, if you do it that way?” Charlotte suggested.

Jasper nodded, “Yeah, I’ll do that.” Whenever he spoke on the phone with his mom, he told her that he would be hanging out with Henry until later on... “Yeah, she’s hanging out too...” Then he sighed and was listening to something for a while. Charlotte and Henry looked at each other. “There’s nothing like that going on. We’re all just friends. She’s a good girl. Top of the class...” 

Charlotte raised an eyebrow and leaned into the mouthpiece to say, “HEY JASPER’S MOM!!!” Henry pulled her to the other side of himself and Jasper rolled his eyes, but they didn’t know whether at Charlotte instigating with his mom, or with his mom, obviously on the other line, trash talking Charlotte. 

“I’m sure that she’ll be home by a time that’s decent for a young lady. She’s a good egg. I don’t feel like doing this. Do you need anything? Okay. Yeah, love you too.” He hung up and asked Charlotte, “Why would you provoke her?”

“She’s trash,” Charlotte said, simply. Henry gasped and Jasper furrowed his eyebrows. “Sorry. I meant to say she was talking trash about me. My bad. Words got choppy in my head.” She really meant what she’d said, but that was a bit much to say to someone’s face about their mom. 

“Good save,” Henry said, sarcastically and wrapped an arm around Jasper’s shoulder, “But, what kind of trash was she talking about Charlotte?”

“I’m interested, as well.”

“She asked, if my little friend was gonna be there, said what’s her name, then pretended to say the wrong names. Then, she said that if a girl hangs out with a couple of boys this much something fresh must be going on.” 

He didn’t want to go into detail, but his mother had advised him to use protection, in case she had something and also forbid him to do anything with her if both boys were in the room..

“You know what? I’m gonna shut my mouth and move on with my life,” Charlotte said. Jasper’s mom had SOME nerve, after the child-rearing job she’d done. Which reminded her, “Oh! Hey, I found something that might be useful for you. Actually, I heard an ad when I was listening to one of my podcasts. I’ll send you the info. She texted him a link to a therapy connection that charged $30 a week and you could text a licensed therapist! He smiled to himself and put his phone away. 

Henry was curious about what she’d sent to him, but tried not to butt in. There was some kind of other friendship happening with those two that he knew he wasn’t included in. SO, he made a conversation topic that the three could participate in. 

.

At Henry's, Jasper seemed in his own world. Charlotte was concerned about it, because he usually was the most talkative and cheerful one. At some point, while Henry was in the bathroom, she asked, "You okay, Jasper?"

He sighed, "I thought maybe you didn't care one way or another. I'm… worried that I weirded you out with all my baggage. You're not supposed to unpack in front of people unless you're going to be there for a while. I feel like I just dumped it all over the place and then suddenly, you were distant."

"It wasn't like that to me. I thought that speaking about your trauma probably stirred up some things and maybe you could use a break from focusing on it. Sorry if I seemed taken aback. I wasn't. In fact, I feel closer to you than ever. I'm honestly glad you felt like you could come to me. Are you gonna use that service I sent you?"

"Yeah. I'm gonna check it out. Do you mind if I hug you?" 

She smiled and went over for the hug, fell on his lap and they laughed about it, but she didn't move. Jasper had a pretty cozy hug. They didn't usually hug much, but his arms were bigger than she'd noticed and he was soft and slightly cushioned. It was like hugging a life-size, warm, plushie, or as comforting, anyway. Plus… did Jasper always smell this good? That was definitely new. 

He strummed her back and she rested on his shoulder until they heard, "Whoa!" Henry was back and he was shocked and confused by the contact. 

Charlotte got up and said, "I fell. Shut up."

"Fell and landed right in Jasper's lap, into a hug, on his shoulder, huh?"

"That's what I said," she told him. 

Henry looked at Jasper. "What? Sometimes people fall." He smiled at Charlotte and her face went warm. Sometimes people fall. Such a simple and true statement. Sometimes people fall in more ways than one. Not as simple, but she couldn't tell yet if she minded it at all.

.

Charlotte was surprised to see that Jasper had handed her the copy of Robin’s Telling. It had been a long while since they’d passed it around, but the anticipation of whatever she was feeling lately about him was heightened by her memories of how this process had brought them closer as friends. Jasper was kinda cute, if she was honest. If you took away some of his weird quirks and gross habits and just looked at him - like... if she had seen him in passing without knowing that he picked at his scabs, or asked you to help pop pimples on his back... She’d have to say that she thought he was an attractive guy. And either he was going through some life changes or she just had started paying attention - but a lot of his gross habits she couldn’t recall seeing lately.

It was almost like he had been either getting better or at least pretending to be more dignified. She hoped that meant that he was talking to someone about his problems and improving himself as he felt healthier. It still blew her mind that he carried around pain in that jolly body of his. That behind that boyish smile were tears that he didn’t shed or didn’t show to even his closest friends. She hoped that he knew that he could, if he needed to. She hoped that he was gonna sleep well tonight. 

As she finished writing her segment in the notebook, she knew that her emotions would show up in it. They usually did. Whenever she had something on her mind, stress, sadness, or anything... it was generally reflected in the story. Jasper used to be able to tell. He’d always draw a cute and/or corny doodle on the page whenever he noticed that she was down via her entries.

And a few days later, whenever she got it back, he had drawn her a three legged pickle, “a tri-pickle, if you will.”