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Persuasion 2022 makes me want to visit Jane Austen’s grave and apologise

So here’s a compilation of hilariously scathing reviews. Enjoy!

-Clarisse Loughrey

How exactly does the line, “it is said if you’re a five in London, you’re a 10 in Bath”, improve on Austen’s work or make it any more palatable to modern audiences? Or what about the comments on being “an empath” and focusing on “self-care”? 

When Anne is reunited with Wentworth (Cosmo Jarvis), the man she once rejected, Austen writes: “Now they were as strangers; nay, worse than strangers, for they could never become acquainted. It was a perpetual estrangement.” In the film? We get: “We are strangers. Worse than strangers. We’re exes.”

There’s nothing here that seems to drive her [Crackell’s] work (...) beyond the directive of capitalising on current trends. This is exactly what happens when art becomes a brand exercise.

There’s not even an attempt to be accurate here – Marianne Agertoft‘s costumes only look like Regency dress if you’d somehow been led to believe that the pages of this month’s Tatlermagazine had been shot out of a time machine. And, as much as I am loath to defend Bridgerton, the Netflix production Persuasion clearly modelled itself after, its anachronisms at least feel carefully chosen in order to give the series a poppy irreverence.

You can’t help but think what Austen would make of all this. She was nearly 40 when she wrote Persuasion, inches away from her deathbed. Anne’s pain in the novel is sharp, laced with the fear that she’s reached a point in life where she’s outrun every last opportunity, most especially for love. How do you absorb all of that feeling, only to give us an Anne who sighs performatively after she knocks a vessel of gravy on her head and boasts about dancing to Beethoven alone in her room “with a bottle of red”? How would the latter even happen in an era before record players?

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Austen should be allowed a chance at the Instagram generation. But the frozen expression on romantic lead Cosmo Jarvis’s face throughout speaks louder than any review. (He can relax: one of the few things that can be said about this film with certainty is that it will be forgotten quickly.)

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- Patrick Cremona

It all seems so forced and deliberate, more annoying and jarring than it is charming or inventive.

Then there are the frequent fourth-wall-breaking monologues, which start early on and continue to arrive at all too regular intervals throughout the runtime – with Alice providing a near-constant running commentary on the action, one that's neither witty nor insightful enough to be worth its while. It all allows a certain archness to take hold, a smugness that gets in the way of any emotional sincerity.

For the most part, it just feels rather drab and half-hearted, breezing along easily enough without ever injecting any real pizzazz into proceedings.

All this ensures the film commits one of cinema's cardinal sins – frankly, it's a little bit boring.

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In other words, the film’s Anne, unlike Austen’s quivering and stifled introvert, is that rom-com mainstay, the manic pixie dream girl, an ostensibly smart and capable woman whose klutziness and all-round-adorability ensures she’s completely non-threatening.

Sad but true, she (Dakota Johnson) is upstaged by the wallpaper on several occasions.

The famous ’letter scene’ is shrug-worthy. The final kiss moved me not.

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It’s set in the early 19th century, not remotely of Austen, but of Bridgerton, the success of which has unfortunately convinced Netflix that anything goes. Imagine flaunting an antique copy of the novel in a full-cosplay selfie, but holding it upside down.

Meanwhile, the dialogue perpetrates five war crimes per minute.

The way Michell finessed the most autumnal of Austen’s works, with Amanda Root cast to perfection, set a gold standard. This takes a flailing leap, but it’s neither audacious enough to commit to a singular vision, nor shrewd enough to get the novel right. It nosedives between two stools and never gets up.

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It is like an Austen amuse bouche — an entry-level cover version that tries to rev up the humor and speak directly to Gen Z by using its lingo — or at least an advertising executive's idea of what Gen Z sounds like. 

-Lindsey Bahr 

Instead, viewers get brief snippets of Anne’s internal character conflict and her yearning for Wentworth. By extension, Wentworth is always shafted and his character falls short due to the comedic tone of the film. Anne and Wentworth have clumsy and awkward exchanges that feature the sort of delivery you’d expect from an episode of The Office as opposed to a romance about healing the wounds of two heartbroken people.

Characters are constantly espousing modern beliefs. “A woman without a husband is not a problem to be solved,” says one sagely, greeted with a wry smile by Anne. Except that in 1817, unmarried women faced ridicule, lack of social agency and destitution, something Anne and Austen knew all too well. By removing Austen’s thematic concerns – class, spinsterhood, the questionable power of persuasion – there are simply no real barriers to Anne and Wentworth’s reunion. Indeed, it’s hard to see how this spirited person could be persuaded to do anything. With such low stakes, the film crawls along without momentum.

I’m all for modernising the classics (see 2020’s Emma for Austen with an injection of over-the-top fun) but this one can’t decide if it’s trying to amuse or edify and consequently does neither. Bring back Bridgerton, please.

- Francesca Steele

Sadly Persuasion, not only the worst Austen adaptation but one of the worst movies in recent memory, delivers on all the agony and none of the hope. 

The filmmakers have served up a soggy mess of limp rom-com clichés that does a disservice not only to Austen but to all her contemporary inheritors, from Cher Horowitz to Bridget Jones. As played by Dakota Johnson, the novel’s heroine Anne Elliot, a lovelorn, bookish, self-effacing woman on the cusp of spinsterhood, becomes an insufferably coy scatterbrain who speaks in 21st-century buzzwords 

There is updating classic literature to bring it in tune with modern sensibilities, and then there is insulting the viewer’s intelligence. Persuasion’s endlessly attempts to pander to young audiences presumed incapable of understanding any message not conveyed via Instagram hashtag 

Unfortunately, as played by Cosmo Jarvis, Wentworth is also something of a lifeless sad sack. His pining for Anne is believable enough, but his character is so thinly written that it’s hard to see whatever qualities induced her to spend eight years pining for him. 

In this movie, eligible men are mostly nattily attired scarecrows on which to hang romantic longing. 

The fine shadings of social class that drive the novel’s conflict are mostly lost in this translation to the screen. The presence of Black, Asian, and mixed-race actors in the cast at first feels refreshing, but any intended social commentary is lost in the script’s thematic muddle.

it’s hard to overstate what unpleasant company Johnson’s Anne Elliot is. She performatively chugs red wine straight from the bottle, goes everywhere cuddling a never-explained pet rabbit, and interrupts one stodgy teatime with an extended and charmless non sequitur about a recurring dream that an octopus is sucking her face.

she (Austen) describes Anne and Wentworth’s long-ago affair as “a short period of exquisite felicity.” The only such moment afforded by Persuasion is when the closing credits finally start to roll.

-Dana Stevens

(just read the whole review, seriously- https://slate.com/culture/2022/07/persuasion-netflix-movie-2022-dakota-johnson-jane-austen.html)