#MAN IS BUILT LIKE AN ANGRY GRASSHOPPER

[madreemeritus]

POTO adaptations analysis — Part 1 — The Phantom of the Opera (1925), by Rupert Julian, starring Lon Chaney and Mary Philbin

I will list the positive and negative points of which midia and give a score at the end (remember this is MY OPINION)

Positive points:

– this movie has a lot of different soundtracks, but my favorite is Gabriel Thibaudeau's. His Don Juan Triumphant piece is simply fantastic

– the casting couldn't be more perfect, even if Raoul and Christine were blonde in the original novel, the actors still give an amazing performance for their characters. Mary Philbin and Lon Chaney as the two main holes are the best thing of this movie

– it's extremely Leroux accurate. Sure, they needed to explain the events as fast as they could because it's a silent movie of less than 2 hours, but it still captures the atmosphere of the novel

– the scenarios are amazing and they were made specifically for this movie (no, they didn't go to the actual Opera Garnier, it was all built!), specially Erik's lair which is amazing

– can we apreciate more the unmasking scene? Aside from the acting and direction that are already great, the scene is both frightening and tragic, it makes you sympathize for both Christine and Erik in that situation

– the figurine of this movie is speechless. Although i miss Christine's black dominó, but it's still accurate to the characters and the 19th century

– aside from horror and romance, this movie also includes the comedy scenes that the original novel had

– the chandelier scene was pretty difficult to simulate back in 1925 yet they still managed to do it realistically 👌🏼

– Erik's hand gestures and expressions 🥹 it's a whole movie by himself

– THE RED DEATH OMG his red cape in a black-and-white scenario is just 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

– Erik's make-up is obviously the best thing about this movie. Lon Chaney made it all himself, his work is still the most accurate and realistic deformity

– they included the Grasshopper and Scorpion scene

– Erik's lion alarm is so cute (not sure of how it works but anyway)

– the scene where Erik enters the lake as the Siren is so fucking perfect, really it's weird and cute the same time (and seeing wet Erik honestly makes me wetter than the Count's corpse)

– the scene where Erik leads Christine to his lair for the first time is the sweetest scene ever, he is so sympathetic and trying his best to make her comfortable

– also; the Don Juan was written out of the love he had for Christine. She was his inspiration 🥹 he wrote it for her!!

– DAROGA IS HEREalthogh he is a white man and has no relationship with Erik butAND HIS NAME IS LEDOUX

Negative points:

– instead of the love triangle, Raoul and Christine are just lovers since the beginning of the movie and it obviously makes him more "sympathetic" (even if he's useless and has creepy behaviours such as hiding in her dressing room to spy on her)

– Erik directly and shamelessly threatens to kill Christine in the unmasking scene? No, why??

– Christine has little to no agency here, and the rooftop scene makes her much more unsympathetic, she wasn't so petty in the novel even in the Apollo's Lyre

– the ending. Obvious that nonsense angry mob that discovered Erik's lair out of a miracle was included after the original ending was changed. It's just nonsense and cruel and takes away the redemption that Erik needed, like if the original message didn't even exist

Movie score: 8/10 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌗

[dearophelia]

gonna set your flag on fire - chapter 2

Thirty years after the war, things are as close to normal as they’ll get. Garrus is the turian councilor and Olivia runs Galactic Affairs, helping the galaxy rebuild. They’ve happily settled into the life they’ve built. Their kids are grown, and out living their own lives.But something goes wrong on Nora’s latest mission. Very wrong. 

chapter 02: we were born to break the doors down 

In which we meet the team. (read on AO3)

Major thanks to everyone who liked, commented, reblogged, etc., the first chapter of this! I’m really excited people are interested in reading about Nora. Additional gratitude to my cheerleaders @nightingaleseeking and @tarysande

A quick note: Alle is pronounced “Allie"

2214 - 23 years later

“Shit. Shit. Shit shit shit shit SHIT.”

“Use your words, Torrini,” Nora says, crouched behind a boulder. Her supply pylon whirs and drops an arc grenade. She snaps it onto her bandolier.

“Bad guys. Lots of guns. Chasing me. Fuck!” His voice pitches upward as he draws out the curse to three syllables.

“You did volunteer to play bait,” Micah reminds him. He sets his Black Widow on the boulder in front of him and peers through the scope. He looks at Nora on the opposite side of the creek, shakes his head, and sits down again.

“Not! Helping!” Carlos shouts, followed by a rapid bang of Mattock fire.

Movement catches Nora’s eye; she looks down by her feet, and instantly regrets it. An orange and black spider the size of her hand crawls up out of the grass onto her boulder. It starts to turn grey, camouflaging itself against the rock. Nora shudders and swallows back a gag: her armor these days is black with an orange stripe down the arm.

There’s a tiny splash, and she looks over at Micah.

“You okay?” he says off comms.

She grimaces and pushes stray pieces of hair out of her face. Her braid was intact this morning, and then she stepped out of the tent. “We need to get off this planet.” It’s not the worst place they’ve ever been, not even in the top ten, but it’s hot and humid and she’s covered in itchy mosquito bites. And it has large spiders that can camouflage themselves.

Something crawls up her neck and she slaps at it. She looks down at her gloved fingers: nothing. She rubs at her neck just to make sure, and brushes away any other sweat that’s about to drip. At least the mission’s been pretty simple.

A biotic boom thunders through the entire valley. The echo’s barely faded before another explosion follows, and then another, coming closer.

“About time Carter got here,” Micah says, shifting his weight so he can pop out of cover as soon as he’s needed. He collapses his Black Widow and exchanges it for his Typhoon.

Nora taps her omnitool, activating the external comm link and bringing their escape route into the conversation. “They’re on their way back, Starkhov. Get ready for extract.” She takes her sunglasses off the top of her head and slides them onto her face.

“On it. Approaching now, three minutes out.”

After her pylon drops a final grenade, she collapses it and attaches the small disc to her armor. This is her last pylon and she can’t afford to leave it anywhere, not until she makes it back to Tereshkova and can pick up the resupply package waiting for her.

The spider, not quite the right shade of grey to blend in perfectly, changes its mind and crawls back into the grass. She scoots as far to the other end of the boulder as she can and still stay in cover. Her boot splashes in the shallow creek and slides a little on an algae-covered rock. She holds her balance and glares down at the grass where she last saw the spider. It’s probably green now, and she’ll never find it again. Good. It can stay here.

The gunfire takes on a louder and sharper edge as the valley narrows and curves down with the river. Nora scopes into her teammates with her Valiant: Alle’s caught up with Carlos, and he’s setting off her annihilation field nearly as much as she is. Despite the force of near-constant biotic explosions, the raiders chasing them aren’t slowed by much. Alle yells to Carlos, and he turns around just in time to smash his omnishield into a raider. Carlos has the upper body strength of a raging bull and the guy goes flying, only to catch the edge of Alle’s biotic explosion and sail through the air like a ragdoll.

“Cover fire would not go unappreciated!” Alle shouts.

Nora and Micah both open fire. Nora ejects a spent thermal clip with one hand and flicks the pin out of a grenade with the other. “Fire in the hole!” she warns. Alle and Carlos sprint as hard as they can, and Nora hurls the grenade into the crowd behind them. It hits the ground with an angry electric crackle that shocks and stuns everyone within its range, giving her teammates half a moment to breathe.

Engines rumble overhead as Lucy flies into the valley. She sets the shuttle down, keeping it hovering for easier take off, a hundred yards behind Nora. The hatch opens and a combat drone flies out, speeding down the valley toward the stunned raiders.

Nora holsters her Valiant, exchanging it for her Locust, and shifts so she’s squatting. She throws another grenade, and so does Micah. As soon as the other two run past her boulder, she pushes off, sprinting for the shuttle with Micah right behind her. Lucy has the shuttle moving half a second after Micah has both feet in the shuttle, and takes off.

Micah hits the door control, silencing the wind and birds and gunfire of pissed off raiders outside.

Nora pushes her sunglasses up into her hair. “Did you get it?”

Breathing hard, Alle nods and pushes back her hood, then slips off her backpack. She unzips the main pouch and withdraws a small metal box. “One copy of classified Alliance ship schematics. It didn’t look like they’d transmitted them yet or made copies, but I uploaded Julian's obliteration virus to their server and any contacts from the last month. And destroyed their uplink for good measure.”

Carlos pops open a refrigerated storage compartment in the side of the shuttle. He tosses a bottle of water to each of the other three before unscrewing the cap on one for himself. “I am not playing bait next time,” he says, breathless, once he’s drained half the bottle.

Micah braces a large hand on the top of the shuttle. “You volunteered,” he says again.

“I am just saying,” he says. “I am not bait again.”

Nora opens her omnitool and sends off a quick message to Vega – mission a success, on our way back now – and takes a seat next to Alle. “I’ll be bait next time,” she says to silence the argument, and watches the valley grow smaller and smaller as they fly away.

***

Nora drops into a crouch behind a pile of tires. “This is ridiculous,” she mutters.

Alle nods in agreement from her spot behind a box a few feet away. “Not what I thought day one would look like.” She lifts up just a little to look over the box, and a bullet whizzes past. She ducks down again. “Two bogies, at eleven and three.”

A shot cracks across the field, followed immediately by a loud and emphatic “goddammit!” Both their omnitools light up – Chen, I. eliminated by Rabinowitz, M.

“Make that one bogey,” Alle says, swatting at a grasshopper jumping around in the tall weeds by her feet.

Nora slides the barrel of her Valiant through a tire and surveys the space in front of them. “Eleven o’clock’s still there; I think it’s one of the vanguards.” The red outline in her scope blinks out of existence, only to reappear fifty feet farther away next to another red outline. “No, it’s definitely one of the vanguards.” She waits, but the two outlines don’t move to attack each other. “Looks like they’ve just teamed up with someone.” She scans around the rest of the area in her range. “And we have someone else at two.”

“More like one-thirty,” a new voice says.

Nora spins on the balls of her feet and has her Locust withdrawn and aimed before she’s fully turned around. An impossibly-tall person in deep red armor stands in front of her, assault rifle pointed at her. A quick glance at Alle confirms her friend had the same thought process. She squints at him in the bright afternoon sun. “I rounded up.”

He taps a button and his helmet visor fades, revealing a dark-skinned man with a bright, kind smile. “Mind if I join up with you? You two look like you know what you’re doing.” He lowers his gun.

“We try,” Alle says, lowering her own gun. “Pick a spot.”

“I’m Micah Rabinowitz,” he says, setting up behind a broken Mako between them.

Nora quickly checks the group’s stats - she doesn’t know what Vega’s up to with this exercise, but she does know she doesn’t want to team up with someone who just got a lucky shot. No one gets into ICT based on lucky shots, but still. Some recruits are bound to be better than others.

Micah’s second on the scoreboard, ahead of both her and Alle, although, she notices with a slight spark of joy, she is beating him in headshots. “Nora Vakarian,” she says, holstering her Locust again. “That’s Alexandra Carter.”

Alle looks over at him. “Call me Alle or I will find a box to stand on and punch you in the face.”

Micah smiles. “Roger that.” He looks back at Nora. “Do we have a plan?”

Two biotic booms echo across the field, and their omnitools buzz in unison – Kennedy, C. eliminated by Deckard, O.; Starkhov, L. eliminated by Deckard, O.

“We hadn’t gotten much further than ‘die last,’” Nora admits. Her visor suddenly blares a low-shield warning. “What the hell?” She yanks her Valiant back from the tires and rapidly scopes in on the open area behind them. It’s a kill zone, and they’d assumed no one would be dumb enough to try to cross it in order to flank them. First Micah, and now this; she’s beginning to rethink that logic. Her scope catches someone crouched behind a low bush. “Alle can you deal with the asshole that stole my shields? Seven o’clock.”

With a twist of her hand, Alle pulls an annihilation field around her. “Gladly.” She glances up over the box, then dashes away from it, toward the bush.

Nora settles back in, covering one half of the courtyard. “What brings you to ICT, Rabinowitz?”

“A slight difficulty following mainstream protocol,” he says, a smile evident in his voice.

She glances over and watches him switch out his assault rifle for a sniper rifle. “As in ‘I don’t follow orders well’ or ‘I follow orders, just not how my CO intended’?”

“Second one.”

Smiling, Nora turns back to her rifle. Someone teleports straight into her scope and she takes the shot. Their glowing outline flickers out and, with a visibly-irritated sigh, she pulls off her helmet, nods in Nora’s general direction, and strolls off the field. Rahiri, I., eliminated by Vakarian, N.

“Okay, before you say anything,” Alle says.

Nora looks over her shoulder to see Alle crouched down behind her box again, with another new person beside her. She’d wondered why she hadn’t seen anything in the elimination feed yet. She gestures for Alle to continue.

“He made some very convincing points about us possibly needing a tech specialist.”

Whoever he is, he’s not wrong. And Vega never specified this was a battle royale to the last person standing – he just told them to gear up with target rounds and get the hell out of the shuttles. Three is better than two, but four’s even better. “And he is?”

“Carlos Torrini,” he says. “You got room for a fourth?”

Nora looks at him, and then glances around the pile of tires. She’d been eyeing an empty prefab structure about a hundred yards away, but the closest door is locked. All her decryption programs require direct physical access, and there is absolutely no cover by the door. “Sure. If you can get us into that building,” she points.

Carlos breaks into a wide, crooked grin and opens his omnitool. “Give me ninety seconds.”

***

Debriefed and showered, Nora walks out of the bathroom barefoot and rubs a towel at her hair. Three days of slogging through riverbed and muck made for an unfortunate olfactory experience when they all shed their armor in the locker room. Now, in her quarters, finally clean and in civilian clothing, she’s not quite so tired as she was when she got off the shuttle.

“Tell me you didn’t take all the hot water,” Alle says as she walks into the steamy bathroom.

“There’s still plenty,” she assures at her friend. She drapes the towel over the back of a chair and sits cross-legged on her bunk to check her messages.

Five from Quentus, all of which are memes and only two of which she understands. One from Nico, a funny bird video along with an update that he and his boyfriend have decided to move in together.

Twelve from various teammates, and those can wait until the morning. She sends all social media updates directly to spam and adds a to do list reminder to fix her spam filter.

Two article links from her dad, one titled Boom Tomorrow: Increasing the Effective Range of Hand Grenades from the very-classified Council Defense Research Department she’s finally credentialed enough to know about, and the other a hilariously-scathing review of the new Blasto movie with a suggestion that they go see it the next time she’s on the Citadel (he’ll buy the popcorn). And one message from her mom, just checking in.

She checks the time – 8:45pm on the Citadel, not a bad time to call her parents.

A message pops up: a meeting invite from Vega:

TO: ‘N3 Squad Leaders - Vega’ [Deckard, Ophelia; Vakarian, Nora; Wu, Jonah]

SUBJECT: Mission Briefing

LOCATION: Tereshkova Station, ICT Briefing Room

TIME: 1930, Sunday

DESCRIPTION: Next mission briefing. Deck, bring a notebook this time.

She sends it to her calendar, closes her email and dials a vidcall through to home.

***

The vidcall rings, a happy little tune they’ve set for Nora, and Olivia slides across the hardwood floor in her socks, nearly careening into the wall, as she rushes across the apartment to answer. When she got home today, she’d set her omnitool in her office, closed the door behind it, and silenced all but the main comm unit so she could have a few uninterrupted hours of non-crisis time. With Garrus at a Council meeting, Nora off on a mission, and Quentus drinking his disappointment this weekend (and Nico dealing with him), she hadn’t anticipated that anyone might call home, or that she’d have to race down and across the entire apartment to answer. She taps accept just before it goes to the mailbox.

Nora flickers into view. From her surroundings, Olivia gathers she’s on a ship, one of the small personnel transports the Alliance uses these days. She looks a little tired, but Olivia can’t see any injuries, at least from her shoulders up. Getting hurt in ICT is inevitable, she knows this better than anyone in their family, and she always prefers when Nora’s post-mission calls don’t come from the ship infirmary.

“Hey, kid,” she says.

“Hi, Mom.” Nora’s shoulders settle and the tension in her jaw disappears.

“How are you?” Olivia watches as Nora visibly relaxes. Though she doubts Nora remembers those days alone at all, abandonment still lingers around the edges of her subconscious, even over twenty years later.

“Good. I can’t tell you about it, but the mission went well.”

Olivia smiles proudly. If she remembers the pacing right, Nora’s well on her way to N4 by the end of the year. James and Abby emphasize cooperation over solo missions whenever possible, and she has no doubt Nora’s N4 won’t be nearly as much of a mess as hers was. “That’s good to hear. Any idea when you’ll be back this way?”

“No clue. We’re headed back to Tereshkova; it looks like Vega’s got another op lined up.” Nora plays with her dog tags, sliding them back and forth on the chain as she talks. “That’s part of why I called, actually. Dad said something about going to see the new Blasto, but I don’t know that I’ll be back before it’s been booed out of theaters.” She scrunches up her nose in half a pout. “Is he home?”

Olivia shakes her head. “I’ll let him know you called. He’s in a meeting – they’re voting on new Spectres tonight.”

Her eyes widen in excitement. “Did Quentus make the final cut?”

“Not this time,” she exhales sadly. Her heart aches for her eldest son: he’s wanted to be a Spectre since he first heard about them, even more so when he found out she used to be one. But Quentus is an unstoppable force when he wants something badly enough, and Olivia knows he’ll try again. And again. As many times as he needs. As soon as he wakes up in Nico’s guest room, having slept off the hangover, he’ll be planning.

Nora sighs. “Poor guy. I’ll give him a call tomorrow.”

“You might want to wait until the afternoon. There was something about triple-filtered black label scotch.” Some things are better not to even ask about.

A door opens to Nora’s right and she turns to talk quietly to a person just off screen. She turns back. “I have to go. We’re gonna go raid the mess for food and then Alle has some hanar soap opera,” she makes a confused face and shrugs, “she’s dragging me into.”

Olivia laughs. “Tell Alle I said hi.” A muffled hi Olivia! comes from somewhere offscreen. “And if that upcoming mission of yours happens to have a stop on the Citadel…”

“Believe me, I’ll be coming over for dinner.” Nora grins. “Love you, Mom.”

“I love you, too.”

***

“Admiral, she's a child,” Olivia argues. “You cannot keep her locked up and isolated for her entire life.”

Hackett sighs. “I don’t disagree with you, Shepard. But she has unknown Cerberus technology inside of her. It’s dangerous, and we don't know what it does. And until we do, Alliance brass isn't comfortable letting her live among the general population.”

Olivia squares her shoulders and stares him down across his desk. “All your top scientists confirmed the chip is deactivated. It’s not emitting any signal, it shows no sign of energy or power whatsoever.” She holds up her hand when he opens his mouth to argue. “I’m not saying that it isn’t dangerous, or that she’ll never pose a threat. I’m saying that right now, she’s a scared little girl who wants nothing more than a hug.”

She pauses for half a moment before continuing. She hates what she’s about to say, but she and Garrus talked at length about how she was going to make their case; appealing to the Alliance’s sensitivity and maternal instinct alone was never going to work. “Keeping her locked up as a lab experiment is only going to breed resentment. If the chip does become a problem later and you’ve kept her in a cage, she’s going to be far more dangerous than if you’ve let her be a kid.” If you’ve let her be loved. “The chip’s off for now,” she continues. “Garrus and I are willing and able, and happy, to take her in. And you know you can trust us.”

He sighs again, heavier this time, and scrubs a hand over his face as he leans back in his chair. “You two aren’t exactly out of the spotlight. What happens when some Cerberus agent sees news footage of your family and recognizes her?”

Olivia grinds her back teeth. They’ve been trying to get the press to leave them to their privacy, but she’s even higher-profile now than she was during the war, and Garrus is the sixth-ranking turian in the galaxy. Though the bodyguards Wrex provides help, it’s still an exercise in frustration at times. “She’s three,” she says. “She was born on that station. Everyone on it is dead. Her biological parents are both dead. There’s likely not anyone to recognize her.”

Holding up his hands in defeat, Hackett gives in. “I will bring it up with the others,” he says. “But,” he softens his voice, and she knows that it’s now Steven talking to Olivia, not Admiral Hackett talking to Captain Shepard, “are you going to be able to give her up to us if something does happen?”

She squares her shoulders, looks him right in the eye, and lies. “Yes.”

***

Nora drops into her seat at the large wooden briefing table opposite Deck. They docked at Tereshkova this morning, and she’s spent most of the day shopping for a new visor. Everywhere she tried had the one she wants on backorder; she’ll have to talk to the Alliance’s Ariake rep and maybe flaunt her last name to pull some strings. She pokes her straw through the lid of her iced tea lemonade, swirls the ice around, and takes a sip. It’s absolute heaven, especially after a week of drinking only water and bad Alliance-manufactured coffee. She sniffs the air and squints at the foil-covered package in Deck’s hand. “When did they get a falafel place?”

Deck shrugs, chewing a bite of her pita. “Okay,” she says when Jonah walks in, “I have been coming here for five years and have never found the McDonald’s. Rahiri drew me a damn map last time, and I still couldn’t find it.”

Jonah smirks as he takes a seat two chairs down from Nora. He opens his takeout bag and offers Deck first dibs on his fries. “It’s on the Section 4 docks, around the corner from the quarian fortuneteller. Who, by the way,” he takes his fries back before Deck can eat them all, “is still convinced I died two years ago.”

“Hold up,” Nora says. “You paid fifty credits to a guy – who you already knew was going to tell you that you were dead – to tell you that you were dead? Which you are very clearly not?” She tears a piece off her soft pretzel and pops it into her mouth. While the pretzel is totally delicious, she’ll need to get actual dinner after the briefing before they all land in a bar.

“Yeah, man,” Deck stretches over the table and snags another fry. “If you’re giving money away, I’ll take it.”

“He’s a very sad man who never succeeded in his pilgrimage, but he won’t take a handout. So I pay him fifty credits, he throws some rocks on the table, tells me I’m dead, and he gets to eat dinner tonight that isn’t protein paste.” He moves his fries out of reach and back to safety.

Deck leans back and kicks her feet up onto the chair next to her. “You are so nice,” she points a stolen fry at him, “it’s disgusting.”

Nora catches Jonah’s eye and smiles. She always gives a few credit chits to the kids who hang out on the docks, and they both know Deck does the same in the salarian districts where she buys her snacks. The war ended over thirty years ago, before any of them were born, but scars are everywhere.

The doors swish open and Commander Vega enters. “I’m stealing you from leave; don’t get up,” Vega says when the three lieutenants move to stand. He takes up his position near the head of the table, and stares at Jonah’s food. “Alright,” he sighs, “I live here. Where is the McDonald’s?”

“Section 4 docks, by the quarian fortune teller, apparently,” Deck says. “But I think he’s full of shit.”

“There’s a station directory,” Jonah says flatly.

Biting back a laugh, Nora keeps quiet on the issue: she’s only ever found the McDonald’s by accident, and never anywhere near the Section 4 docks. She jabs her straw at the ice and takes another sip.

Vega blinks at his soldiers, shakes his head, and then kills the lights. He activates the display at the center of the table, and a blue holographic galaxy map flickers into existence. “We’ve got two missions: reaper cults and Cerberus. Any preference what we talk about first?”

“Is there a third option?” Deck asks around a mouthful of falafel.

“Nope.”

“Reaper cults,” Nora says, when neither of the others says anything.

“Right,” Vega says, and taps at the control panel on the wall. “We’ve got reports from both Omega and the quarians of suspicious activity coming and going from the Skepsis relay.” He focuses in on the Sigurd’s Cradle cluster.

The map zooms in past the cluster and to a star system. “It was enough for the quarians to send scouts. They tracked a ship to Psi Tophet, where they found evidence of reaper cult activity. Normally, we’d just keep an eye on it and leave it alone: they’ve largely faded to the edges of the galaxy and keep to themselves.”

Though Deck’s still lounging back in her chair with her feet kicked up on the seat next to her, Nora sees the tension taking hold in her shoulders. Her hand shakes as she sets her sandwich down. They all have their ghosts.

“But?” Deck prompts, voice tight and flat.

“But, twelve cargo ships have gone missing in the last eight months after departing Omega.”

“Things go missing around Omega all the time,” Jonah points out. “Why is this weird?”

Vega taps the panel, and flight paths overlay the galaxy map. “Because all their trajectories required a relay jump at Skepsis, and they were all carrying relatively large hauls of eezo.”

Jonah lifts his eyebrows. “That’s worth investigating.”

“Alliance brass thought so, too. Deck, I know this is an uncomfortable topic for you, but you have firsthand knowledge –”

“Not willingly,” she mutters.

“– of how these cults work. You’d be able to notice things the rest of your squad won’t. I’d like you leading this one.”

Nora watches as Deck takes a deep breath and shoves the tension away when she exhales. It’s impressive. She wishes she was that quick at calming herself whenever Cerberus is up on the monitors.

“Sure,” she says, cracking her neck.

“You’ll take Kennedy, Hayes, and Starkhov. This is recon only. I don’t want you engaging. Hopefully it’s nothing.”

“Twelve missing eezo cargo ships, and reaper cults near the Leviathan homeworld,” Nora says. “I think we can hope it’s nothing all we want.”

Deck points at her, agreeing. “If this is supposed to be recon only, can I have Rahiri instead? Kennedy is not good at stealth.”

Vega shakes his head. “No, Rahiri’s on a mission with Chen.”

The three lieutenants look at each other, and then back to Vega.

“You can’t just leave that there, sir,” Deck says. “Irene and Isaac have been at each other’s throats since the day they met. What the hell do you have them doing together?”

“A classified op, for which both their skills were uniquely suited.”

A moment of silence, and then a collective nod of comprehension. “Assassination,” they say in unison.

Vega clears his throat before any of them can ask for details he can’t give. “You’ll head to Haignere Station, where you’ll meet up with an Omega scout ship that’s establishing a listening station in the Pylos Nebula. They’ll take you to Psi Tophet, at which point you’ll leave in an FTL shuttle and proceed on your own.”

“And we trust Aria T’Loak to follow through with this?” Jonah asks, one eyebrow raised high. He crumples up the foil his burger came in and drops it into the grease-spotted paper bag.

“It’s her eezo shipments that’ve gone missing,” Vega says. “She has a vested interest in this. It’s financial, but no less legit.” He looks at Deck and tosses her an OSD. “Operation Anubis leaves in three days.”

Deck catches the drive, and nods. “Understood.”

“Now,” Vega says, changing the display, “Cerberus.”

Nora swallows, her mouth suddenly dry. If she even still has the memory, it’s dim and buried deep. But she knows what happened, and that alone is enough to conjure up images of a station full of the dead, and a tiny scared toddler tucked up underneath a desk amidst the carnage.

“The galactic intelligence community has assumed for a while that Cerberus is under new, consolidated leadership, but other than an increase in organized attacks, we haven’t found any real proof. However, the Alliance has come across some new information.”

Though the chip hasn’t shown even the slightest hint of energy since it was deactivated, and though she’s taken anatomy courses that taught her it’s impossible, some days she swears she can feel it buzzing in her head. She takes another bite to try to settle her nerves, but her pretzel’s cold now.

“How?” Jonah asks.

“Shadow Broker,” Vega says.

Nora presses her lips together to hold back a smile, despite her mood. She doubts even the highest of Alliance Command knows who Vega’s wife really is. She’s used Liara’s intel herself on a handful of missions, and even once spent a few days on a Broker base hiding out from pirates. Her team keeps pestering her how she knows the Shadow Broker well enough to have access to a base, but she’s gotten very good at shrugging silently. So has Vega.

“The Broker’s intel referenced several Cerberus bases. Scouts checked it out – all abandoned, but information on a server led us to a planet in the Faia system of the Ismar Frontier.” He taps on the interface and the map zooms to the other side of the galaxy, highlighting the second planet. A little label pops up, Zorya.

Deck’s chair squeaks as she sits up to stare at the map. “That is the ass-end of nowhere.”

“That’s probably why they chose it,” Jonah says.

Vega nods. “Zorya used to be Blue Suns headquarters, but the Reapers wiped everyone out. Galactic Affairs rated the system destroyed and abandoned, so it never got any rebuilding attention. Based on the apparent age of the base, we assume Cerberus moved in a few years after the Aquila relay went back online,” he says. “It’s a mid-level research facility, but it’s active, and therefore the best lead we have to find their actual headquarters.”

He zooms in on the planet, focusing on a compound deep in the jungle. “We have blueprints, and their guard rotations and main door access codes as of two weeks ago. Your job is to infiltrate the compound, grab whatever data you find, and then blow it. Captured Cerberus agents are a perk if you can, but thirty years underground probably hasn’t eased their paranoia.”

Nora takes a slow, quiet, deep breath. And then another. Good air in, bad air out. After three, she’s settled enough that she can focus on participating in the briefing. She wipes her clammy palms against her thighs.

Jonah taps on the glass panel built into the table, activating the interface. He calls up data on Zorya. “It rains 98% of the time on that part of the planet, and the only intel we have on plants and wildlife is from the vorcha. Which obviously makes it reliable.” He looks up. “Apparently there are mutated pyjaks and something with very long thorns.”

“We’ve been worse places,” Nora shrugs, calling up her own interface.

Sighing, Jonah shakes his head. “We need to stop saying that.”

“Well,” Deck says, sliding her straw up and down through the lid so it squeaks, “we have.”

“As long as those things with long thorns aren’t trying to digest Torrini, I think we’re okay,” Nora says. The tightness in her shoulders starts to relax as she has something concrete to focus on.

Vega clears his throat. “Even though all of Chimera’s going on this, I’m putting Wu in charge. Vakarian, you’ll be second.” He lifts an eyebrow ever so slightly, a silent inquiry for them to speak now on the matter of command or forever hold their peace.

Normally, she’d argue. Chimera’s her team, and has been from the very beginning. But they’re going into an active Cerberus facility – not just a small cell, an actual fully-functional base – and she probably has no business going on this mission in the first place, even less business leading it. 2IC is fine by her. She nods.

“We’re dubbing this one Operation Grigori. You leave for Haliat-Gemini in four days. You’ll pick up one of our new stealth FTL shuttles from the shipyard, a turian stealth cruiser will take you to the Ismar Frontier, and you’re on your own from there. I want an infiltration plan before you leave.” He tosses Jonah an OSD. “Here’s all the intel.”

“Yes, sir,” Jonah says. He fumbles the catch and has to duck under the table to pick it up. Deck rolls her eyes while Nora bites back a smile.

“Alright, dismissed,” Vega turns the lights back on. “Go have fun.”

The three of them stand, salute, collect their trash, and head toward the door.

“Vakarian, hold up.”

“I’ll meet you there,” she tells Deck and Jonah, and turns around. “Yes, sir?”

He waits until the others are gone and the door’s closed. “Drop the sir.”

She nods. Vega’s her commanding officer, but he’s also known her since she was a kid. Though most of the time they’re Lieutenant Vakarian and Commander Vega, sometimes they need to talk as Nora and James. As weird as it is for her to be ordered to jump out of a dropship six miles aboveground by someone who used to braid her hair, she bets it’s even weirder for him. “What’s up?”

He looks at the display, still showing the Cerberus compound, and then back at her, brow furrowed in concern. “You okay with this one?”

Nora watches the blue hologram slowly spin, giving a full aerial view. “Yes,” she says, more confidently than she feels. Her previous Cerberus missions have always been at a temporary location or a base they stole from someone else - never on their own ground. The chip itches. Not for the first time, she wants to claw inside of her skull and rip it out.

“You sure? I can swap you with Kennedy. Deck won’t mind.”

She studies the map. They’ll need a significant amount of stealth to even get into the facility, and once inside it’s all tight corridors and blind corners. What the team needs is a sniper and non-concussive grenades, not a claustrophobic vanguard. “Yeah,” she says quietly, “I’m sure.” She looks back at him and offers him a smile. “Thanks, though.”

“And you’re good seconding?”

She lets out a short, sharp laugh. “Please put Jonah in charge.”

He holds her gaze for half a moment longer, and then nods. “Alright, sobrina. Eezo job takes off in three days, if you change your mind.”

“Got it, boss.”

“Have a drink for me. I’m here all night doing paperwork,” he sighs. “And stop having Torrini as bait, would you? Command’s starting to wonder a few things.”

Nora grins, and it’s bigger, more genuine than the one she gave him just a minute before. “I’ve already heard it from him. He’s off bait duty for the foreseeable future, don’t worry.”

He waves her out the door. “Enjoy leave.”

She offers him a casual salute. “See you in a few days.”

[lushscreamqueen]

THE KILLER SHREWS on the Schlocky Horror Picture Show

August 03, 2008

OPENING: Hello, good evening, and welcome to the Schlocky Horror Picture Show. I'm your host, Nigel Honeybone. As the 1950's grew to a close so did the era of the giant radioactive beast. Spawned from the nuclear fears stemming from World War II, the movies saw dozens of animals super-sized due to one of the popular catch words of the time: Radiation! By decades end, just about every manner of giant beastie had been seen. Lizards, spiders, ants, grasshoppers, the list goes on. The major studios had lost the inclination to finance such projects, and gradually re-focused their attention on new trends like nudies, bikies and gothic horror. That is not to say that movies with ginogorous critters didn't exist. It's just that, more often than not, it was left to the little guy, the independent producer or filmmaking rookie to unleash such monsters. Witness tonight, if you dare, as a group of people trapped on an island during a storm must contend with a bunch of whippets in wigs, in the 1959 anti-classic, Attack Of The Killer Shrews! BREAK: Don't go away, we'll be right back with more dogs In drag, and then after the ads we'll get back to the movie. MIDDLE: Welcome back to the Schlocky Horror Picture Show. Attack Of The Killer Shrews, also known as just Killer Shrews, was the brainchild of Texas millionaire Gordon McLendon. Born in Paris, Texas in 1921 he would go on to win a nationwide political-essay contest, attend Yale University where he studied Far Eastern languages, work for the campus radio station, and served as business manager for the Yale Literary Magazine, all before the U.S. got involved in World War Two. After the war he bought an interest in a radio station and built up a following for his live baseball game broadcasts. Having built up quite a name for himself as a pioneer in the radio field, McLendon now turned his attention to film...a regrettable decision for producer and audience alike. He and his family owned several drive-ins and theatres. Like many drive-in owners discovered, their outlets for screening films were considered the bottom of the barrel by the pretentious lot in Hollywood and many in tinseltown tried their darndest to keep their films out of the drive-in chains. This only led to the drive-in owners taking the next logical step, they financed their own films. In 1959 McLendon financed three films: The Killer Shrews, The Giant Gila Monster, and My Dog Buddy, none of which are remembered as sterling examples of cinematic skill, if they're remembered at all. James Best, known far and wide as Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane on television's original Dukes of Hazzard, plays Thorne Sherman and captains his own ship. Sounds cool, but sadly it isn't any bigger than the SS Minnow, and the only person he has to boss around is Rook. He's a glorified gopher, delivering supplies out to Doctor Craigis on his island. Sherman is a man's man, which by 1950s terms means he drinks like a fish, smokes like a chimney, has an appreciative eye for the ladies and is ready for a fistfight on a moment's notice, the kind of simplistic brute we are gradually evolving away from, a little too slowly if you ask me. His Honour Judge Henry Dupree plays Rook Griswold and looks like he could have played the title role in that live action Fat Albert movie: Hey, hey, hey! He's Sherman's sole crewman, although the two seem to share a real friendship rather than just bossy Captain/abused crew dynamic. Poor Rook is the first person to bite it in The Killer Shrews, or more accurately, the first to get bitten. Repeatedly, as a matter of fact. In this way this film helped start the stereotype of the token black character becoming the first victim in horror films. You may think films like Night Of The Living Dead and Alien were breakthroughs for the token black character in American horror, but a pessimist might say they simply get more screen-time before being killed-off. Baruch Lumet plays Doctor Marlowe Craigis. He may not seem like much, but he fathered one of Hollywoods greatest producer/directors, Sidney Lumet, famous for

Twelve Angry Men, Failsafe, The Pawnbroker and Dog Day Afternoon. Speaking of dogs, he also directed the all-black musical The Wiz starring Diana Ross and Michael Jackson. Nobody's perfect. Anyway, Craigis says he hails from Sweden, and has come to the island of The Killer Shrews to further his scientific work, but you and I both know it was to keep his sexy daughter out of the Swedish porn industry. Craigis wants to shrink people, or at least slow down our metabolisms so the Earth's resources will last longer when overpopulation becomes a big problem. I think a bigger problem might be smarmy foreign scientists who screw around with Mother Nature... Swedish-born Ingrid Goude, a former Miss Universe, plays Ann Craigis, Doctor Craigis sexy daughter. She claims to be a zoologist, which is about as convincing as Nicole Kidman playing a brain surgeon. Though to be honest, I wouldn't mind checking-out her knowledge of biology, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Ann serves no purpose here other than to scream on occasion, and to provide Captain Sherman with a new First Mate, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Ken Curtis, another famous redneck, plays Jerry Farrell, part of Doctor Craigis research team. Curtis was inducted into the Hall Of Great Western Performers in 1981 for his performance as Festus in almost 300 episodes of Gunsmoke. Jerry's vital role in the mission is whining, cowering, boozing it up and generally being a waste of skin. He despises Sherman from the start, probably because he recognises that Sherman is much more of a man than he ever will be. I wouldn't get attached to Jerry if I were you. Played by Gordon McLendon, the Texas millionaire responsible for this mess Doctor Radford Baines is another one of the scientists helping Doctor Craigis with his work. This guy is really devoted to his work. In fact, he can hardly think of anything else and walks around muttering things like "Hematoxic Syndrome." His last moments on Earth are spent in devotion to science and furthering the understanding of mankind, instead of doing something really important like trying to get laid or run away. Unknown Alfredo DeSoto plays Mario. Despite the Italian name, Mario is apparently Mexican. He's most likely a servant of some kind, though his main duty seems to be as a device to advance the plot. Whatever he does, it doesn't involve too much physical labor, as Mario's mid section is expanding faster than a balloon. He isn't around much. Just long enough to say things like "Si, senor," "No, senor" and "Aaaahhhh!". It also explains why the shrews ran out of food. Mario doesn't look like he was missing any meals... Attack Of The Killer Shrews gives real meaning to the phrase Low Budget. Filmed on a mere handful of sets and featuring scene after scene of people talking, often with their back to the camera, with little in the way of action, and one could easily dismiss this as pure manure. The fact that the giant shrews are played by dogs in drag when they're not being represented by clumsy puppets, and one could not be blamed for turning up their nose at this movie. If there is a saving grace, it's the short running time. So yes, there's lots of boring talk, but there is also enough monster action to satisfy fans of such schlocky goodness. Besides, I shouldn't have to explain how funny it is to watch somebody scream in terror at a Collie wearing carpet remnants, when the dog is rolling over on his back obviously expecting a belly rub! And it's with that thought in mind we now return you to the carnivorous canine creepiness that is Attack Of The Killer Shrews! CLOSING: It's alright, you can open your eyes now. How exactly do Killer Shrews assimilate poison into their systems, anyway? For instance, I love to drink Absinthe, and I do mean Absinthe, not that over-the-counter swill. I've consumed hundreds if not thousands of litres of it over the years, over three thousand litres just in the last fifteen years, but I still haven't started frothing with green poison yet. If I can't assimilate my own favourite

beverage after drinking thousands of bottles, how can the shrews do so with poison after just one sampling of it? Anyway, please join me next week so I can poke you in the eye with another frightful excursion to the backside of the Public Domain, filmed in glorious 2-D black & white Regularscope on...The Schlocky Horror Picture Show. Toodles!

by Lushscreamqueen

[hela-of-ren]

- Solo Triplets [Tough!Reader] Headcanon -

Request: Headcanons for the triplets with a smol, tough reader who's actually a mega softie?

MY FIRST HEADCANON REQUEST!! *throws confetti everywhere* I’m so excited, I live for triplets headcanons. I live for the triplets in general, but that’s a different story. I really hope you enjoy this! <3

___________________________________

Kylo

You and Kylo are alike in the sense that you both keep so much in to keep that tough persona up.

But you’re both a bunch of mush balls (you more than him).

Kylo can easily read when you’re upset more than Ben or Matt due to the fact that he’s the same way.

The two of you deliver one hell of a can of whoop ass at anyone that dares cross you.

One particular time you confronted a close friend about the fact that they had talked about you behind your back, spreading rumors and hurting you.

You’d defended yourself and argued with your friend till your voice became hoarse.

Coming home to Kylo you insisted you didn’t care anymore about the friendship, but he knew better.

He picked you up and deposited you onto the bed, hovering over you with just his elbows to support his full weight off of you.

“You don’t have to be so tough with me, you know? I feel it too.” Followed by a gentle spattering of kisses from your forehead to your lips.

This allows you to open the flood gates and get everything off your chest.

Kylo will never bug you about opening up or being emotional with him, but he will be there for you no matter what.

Matt

Let’s get something straight here. Matt Organa Solo is your puppy floof ball of love and you will protect him no matter what.

Stars help the unfortunate asshole that ever made him cry or bullied him in front of you.

Most of the time when he knows you don’t want to talk he just sits there until you look at him. At that point he’ll open up his arms with a slight pout until you give in and lose yourself in his scent of laundry detergent and oranges.

Ever since meeting you he’s come out of his shell more and is extremely able to stand up for himself.

On one particular occasion, you had been on a walk with Matt until you both crossed one of his co-workers.

Matt’s fast grasp on his field as well as his intelligence often caused envy and jealousy amongst the people he worked with. Now he had a catch like you as well? No way.

The co-worker had proceeded to berate Matt with little digs and snide comments, you’d just about had enough until this person decided to throw you in as well.

“How much you payin’ her Matt? She doesn’t strike me as someone to spread her legs for cheap.” You were ready to bust this guy’s balls in until Matt moved so quickly you almost missed him.

“You can call me whatever you want, but don’t you DARE ever use her name in that way.”

His arm had pushed against the man’s neck as his voice went into full on rage mode, small veins forming on his neck and his teeth bared.

When you both gets home he expects to be reprimanded like his mother would do when he was young, but he’s surprised when you’re full on smiling.

You engulf him in as much of a hug as you can causing him to wrap his long arms around you and nuzzle into your hair like the puppy he is.

“I’ve taught you well, grasshopper.” Your Karate Kid pun makes him snort giggle until he’s lifting and twirling you around.

Ben

Ben’s a bit thick in the head when it comes to you.

He’s never had a serious relationship, always going for an easy one night stand with no strings attached. Sometimes saving their numbers for an afternoon booty call.

With you, everything was different. You made him work for it until he came to realize how much you both had in common and how enchanting you were as a person.

He still annoys the hell out of you sometimes with his level of maturity, but you love the sexy doofus.

With Ben, it’s hard for him to realize that you won’t just spill every little thing that’s on your mind just because he asks.

This gets him frustrated because he feels like you’re just being difficult, which only makes him frustrated.

This leads him to go out with Poe and Finn who both try to tell him that not everyone is the same with being open or emotional.

“She has a hard time expressing herself sometimes, just because she doesn’t tell you what’s wrong right away doesn’t mean she wants you to fuck off. It’s more than just words, dude.”

Of course he has a flirtatious nature and ends up making a few remarks at a one or two of the girls who give him attention.

You and Rey had decided to go for a girls night at the same bar, witnessing his behavior first hand. You promptly pulled him into the bathroom by his ear.

“Alright, Ben. I’m angry, are you happy? I’m fucking pissed!” This was not the first time you’d seen him flirt, but your anger had built up enough from not talking about it. Always acting cool as a cucumber.

This led to angry tears and a guilty Ben. He understood that words weren’t everything and that you felt secure in their relationship, up until it kept repeating.

“You know you’re my one and only, baby. Just like I’m your only Jackass, I’m sorry I pushed you.”

From now on he understands that sometimes actions speak louder than words and when you wanna talk about something, you’ll get to it on your own time.

[dfroza]

Today’s reading in the ancient book of Psalms

for Thursday, june 4 of 2020 with Psalm 4 accompanied by Psalm 78 for the 78th day of Spring and Psalm 6 for day 156 of the year

[Psalm 4]

For the worship leader. A song of David accompanied by strings.

Answer my prayers, O True God, the righteous, who makes me right.

I was hopelessly surrounded, and You rescued me.

Once again hear me; hide me in Your favor;

bring victory in defeat and hope in hopelessness.

How long will you sons of Adam steal my dignity, reduce my glory to shame?

Why pine for the fruitless and dream a delusion?

[pause]

Understand this: The Eternal One treats as special those like Him.

The Eternal will answer my prayers and save me.

Think long; think hard. When you are angry, don’t let it carry you into sin.

When night comes, in calm be silent.

[pause]

From this day forward, offer to God the right sacrifice from a heart made right by God.

Entrust yourself to the Eternal.

Crowds of disheartened people ask, “Who can show us what is good?”

Let Your brilliant face shine upon us, O Eternal One, that we may know the undeniable answer.

You have filled me with joy, and happiness has risen in my heart, great delight and unrivaled joy,

even more than when bread abounds and wine flows freely.

Tonight I will sleep securely on a bed of peace

because I trust You, You alone, O Eternal One, will keep me safe.

The Book of Psalms, Poem 4 (The Voice)

[Psalm 78]

A contemplative song of Asaph.

O my people, listen to me!

Hear my instruction; soak up every word of what I am about to tell you.

I will open my mouth in parables;

I will speak of ancient mysteries—

Things that we have heard about, things that we have known,

things which our ancestors declared to us again and again.

We will not keep these things secret from their children;

rather, we will tell the coming generation

All about the praise that is due to the Eternal One.

We will tell them all about His strength, power, and wonders.

He gave His holy law to Jacob,

His teaching to the people of Israel,

Which He instructed our fathers

to pass down to their children

So that the coming generation would know them by heart,

even the children who are not yet born,

So that they might one day stand up and teach them to their children,

tell them to put their confidence and hope in God,

And never forget the wondrous things He has done.

They should obey His commandments always

And avoid following in the footsteps of their parents,

a hard-headed and rebellious generation—

A generation of uncultivated hearts,

whose spirits were unfaithful to God.

The sons of Ephraim were master archers, armed with all the necessary equipment,

yet when the battle hour arrived, they ran away.

They were not loyal to their covenant with God;

they turned away and refused to walk in it;

They did not remember all the wondrous things He had done,

even the great miracles He had revealed to them.

He did miraculous things in the presence of their ancestors

as they made their way out of Egypt, through the fields of Zoan.

He split the sea and made them pass through it;

He made the waters to rise, forming a wall of water.

Every day He led them with a cloud;

every night, with a fiery light.

He cracked open rocks in the wilderness

and provided them with all the water they needed, as plentiful as the depths of the ocean.

He caused streams to burst forth from the rock,

waters to rush in like a river.

Even after witnessing all of these miracles, they still chose to sin against God,

to act against the will of the Most High in the desert!

They tested God in their stubborn hearts

by demanding whatever food they happened to be craving.

Then they challenged God:

“Can God fill a table with food in the middle of the desert?

He split open the rock, and water gushed out;

streams and rivers were overflowing!

But can He also provide us with bread?

Can He supply meat to His sons and daughters?”

When the Eternal heard these words, He was furious;

His fiery anger erupted against Jacob;

His wrath grew against Israel.

This all happened because they did not trust God;

they did not have faith in His power to save them.

Nevertheless, He gave instructions to the clouds in the sky

and swung open heaven’s doors;

He showered them with manna to soothe their hungry bellies

and provided them with the bread of heaven.

(In that day mortals ate the bread of heavenly messengers.)

God provided them with plenty of food.

He stirred up the east wind and blew it through the sky.

With His might, He whipped the south wind into a storm;

Like dust from the sky, He caused meat to fall on them.

Birds, like sand on the seashore, fell to the earth.

They landed all about the camp,

all around their tents.

God’s people feasted on the food-blessings, and their stomachs were filled;

He gave them exactly what they desired.

But before their bellies were soothed,

while their mouths were still full of food,

God’s wrath came at them like a tidal wave

and swallowed some of the bravest, strongest among them

and quieted the youth of Israel.

Even after all this, they continued to sin

and still did not trust in Him

or in the incredible things He did.

So He abruptly ended their time; they vanished like a breath;

He ended their years suddenly, with terror.

After He took some of their lives,

those left turned back and sought God wholeheartedly.

After all they had endured, they remembered that God, the Most High,

was their Rock, their Redeemer,

But even then they tried to deceive Him with their words

and fool Him with a web of lies.

They were not consistently faithful to Him,

and they were untrue to their covenant with Him.

Yet by His great compassion,

He forgave them

and decided not to put an end to them.

Most of the time, He held back His anger

and did not unleash His wrath against them.

He was mindful that they were human, frail and fleeting,

like a wind that touches one’s skin for a moment, then vanishes.

Oh, how often they disobeyed Him in the wilderness

and frustrated Him during their time in the desert!

Over and over again, they tested God’s patience

and caused great pain for Israel’s Holy One.

They failed to be mindful of His great strength.

They forgot all about the day He saved them from the enemy,

When He displayed all sorts of signs and wonders in Egypt,

and all the amazing things He did in the region of Zoan

When He transformed their rivers into blood

so that they could not drink from their streams.

He sent armies of flies to bite and torment them

and hordes of frogs to ruin and devastate them;

He handed over all of their crops to grasshoppers

and the fruit of all their labor to locusts;

He sent violent hailstorms, which smashed all their vines,

and ruined their sycamore-fig trees with biting frost.

He handed over all of their cattle to the hailstorms as well

and struck all their herds with lightning.

He poured His burning wrath upon them—

anger, resentment, and trouble—

sending a company of heavenly warriors to destroy them.

He carved out a road for His wrath;

He did not spare any from the sting of death

but handed them over to the fangs of the plague.

He killed all the firstborn of Egypt,

the first products of their manhood in the tents of Ham, the Egyptians’ ancestor.

But then He guided His people like sheep to safety

and led them like a flock into the desert to freedom;

He took them on a safe route so that they would not be afraid,

and He allowed the hungry sea to swallow all of their enemies.

He led them to His sacred land—

to this holy hill, which He had won by the power of His right hand.

He forced out the other nations which were living there before them,

and He redistributed the lands as an inheritance to His people;

He settled the tribes and families of Israel peaceably in their tents.

Even after all this, they disobeyed the Most High God

and tested His patience

and did not live by His commands.

Rather, they regressed to their fathers’ ways and lived faithlessly—disloyal traitors!

They were as undependable and untrustworthy as a defective bow,

For they triggered His wrath by setting up high places,

altars to strange gods in His land;

they aroused His jealousy by bowing down to idols in the shadow of His presence.

God boiled with wrath when He witnessed what they were doing;

He totally rejected Israel.

He deserted His own sanctuary at Shiloh,

the tent where He had lived in the midst of His people.

He handed His strength over to captivity;

He put His splendor under the enemy’s control.

He handed His people over to the sword,

and He was filled with anger toward His chosen ones;

He was burning with wrath!

A great fire consumed all the young men,

and the virgin girls were without the joy of their wedding songs.

Priests met their doom by the blade of a sword,

and widows had no tears to cry;

they could not weep.

Then the Lord awoke like a man who has been asleep,

like a warrior who has been overcome with wine.

He forced all His enemies back;

He defeated them, weighing them down with everlasting disgrace.

He even rejected the tent of Joseph as His home

and showed no favor toward the tribe of Ephraim.

Instead, He favored the tribe of Judah—

Mount Zion, the place He adored.

He built His sanctuary like the mountain heights;

like the earth, He created it to last forever.

He chose His servant David,

and called Him out of the sheep pastures.

From caring for the ewes, who gently nurse their young,

He called him to shepherd His people Jacob

and to look after Israel, His inheritance.

David shepherded them with the honor and integrity of his heart;

he led them in wisdom with strong and skillful hands.

The Book of Psalms, Poem 78 (The Voice)

[Psalm 6]

For the worship leader. A song of David accompanied by the lyre.

O Eternal One, don’t punish me in Your anger

or harshly correct me.

Show me grace, Eternal God. I am completely undone.

Bring me back together, Eternal One. Mend my shattered bones.

My soul is drowning in darkness.

How long can You, the Eternal, let things go on like this?

Come back, Eternal One, and lead me to Your saving light.

Rescue me because I know You are truly compassionate.

I’m alive for a reason—I can’t worship You if I’m dead.

If I’m six feet under, how can I thank You?

I’m exhausted. I cannot even speak, my voice fading as sighs.

Every day ends in the same place—lying in bed, covered in tears,

my pillow wet with sorrow.

My eyes burn, devoured with grief;

they grow weak as I constantly watch for my enemies.

All who are evil, stay away from me

because the Eternal hears my voice, listens as I cry.

The Eternal God hears my simple prayers;

He receives my request.

All who seek to destroy me will be humiliated;

they will turn away and suddenly crumble in shame.

The Book of Psalms, Poem 6 (The Voice)

[funnythingshere0-blog]

50 football jokes to make you laugh – or groan

New Post has been published on https://funnythingshere.xyz/50-football-jokes-to-make-you-laugh-or-groan/

50 football jokes to make you laugh – or groan

With the 2018 World Cup kicking off in Russia next week, football fever is upon us – after a break of approximately two weeks.

But you don’t have to take the beautiful game completely seriously.

Prepare to laugh – or groan – at these 50 (clean) football jokes:

What did the ref say to the chicken who tripped a defender? “Fowl!”

What is black and white and black and white and black and white? A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!

I left two [insert team] tickets on my dashboard yesterday. Someone smashed the window and left two more.

Why was the footballer upset on their birthday? They got a red card!

What do you call someone who stands inside goalposts and stops the ball rolling away? Annette!

England are playing Iceland tomorrow. If they win that game, they’ll play Tesco’s next Saturday and then Asda on Wednesday.

Which football team loves ice-cream? Aston Vanilla!

Where’s the best place in America to shop for a football kit? New Jersey!

What’s the difference between The Invisible Man and [insert team name]? You’ve got more chance of seeing The Invisible Man at the World Cup Finals!

(Photo: Shutterstock)

What do Lionel Messi and a magician have in common? Both do hat-tricks!

The new manager of our struggling football team is strict and won’t stand any nonsense. Last Saturday, he caught two fans climbing over the stadium wall and was angry with them. He grabbed them and said: “Get back in there and watch the game until it finishes!”

Why is a football crowd learning to sing like a person opening a tin of sardines? They both have trouble with the key!

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team? Because she kept running away from the ball!

What is a goalkeeper’s favourite snack? Beans on post!

Why don’t grasshoppers watch football? They prefer cricket!

What is a ghost’s favourite football position? Ghoulkeeper!

Why did the manager bring pencils and sketchbooks into the dressing room before the game? He was hoping for a draw!

(Photo: Shutterstock)

Have you heard about the new Arsenal Bra? It has a lot of support but no cups!

Who scored the most goals in the Greek Mythology League? The centaur forward!

What did the manager do when the pitch became flooded? He sent on his subs!

My partner just split up with me because they think I’m obsessed with football. I’m a bit gutted about it – we’d been going out for three seasons.

What did the referee say to the South American footballer in the World Cup who lied about handling the ball? I don’t Bolivia!

Three hours of football and the goalkeeper is still England’s top scorer…

Why do football players do well in school? They know how to use their heads!

During the World Cup in Brazil, the England team visited an orphanage. “It was heart-breaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,” said João, age 6.

As the team’s struggles continued, a pound coin was thrown onto the pitch. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.

These jokes are guaranteed to keep you smiling through the World Cup. Even if your team goes out on penalties… (Photo: Shutterstock)

What ship holds 20 football teams but only three leave it each season? The Premier-ship!

What’s the difference between [insert team here] and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup!

Why was the the best footballer in the world asked to tidy up their room? Because they were Messi!

What part of a football pitch smells nicest? The scenter spot!

Why did the football quit the team? It was tired of being kicked around!

What does a [insert team here] fan do after watching their team win the Premier League? Turn off the PlayStation!

I was playing Football Manager on my PC when I was offered the [insert team here] job. I knew it was a poor squad with no future, so I declined the offer. I then put the telephone down and returned to Football Manager.

What tea do footballers drink? Penal-tea!

Why aren’t football stadiums built in outer space? Because there is no atmosphere!

Why are footballers like babies? They both dribble!

God and the devil were having an argument, and Satan proposed a football game between heaven and hell to resolve the dispute. God, in his eternal goodness, pointed out that it wouldn’t be a fair match because all the ‘good’ players go to heaven. The devil smiled, replying, “Yes, but we’ve got all the refs.”

(Photo: Shutterstock)

Which soccer team has nailed their formation? The Hammers.

Why did the footballer hold their boot to their ear? Because they liked sole music!

What’s the chilliest ground in the Premiership? Cold Trafford!

Which team always start the match with a bang? The Gunners!

What runs along the edge of the pitch but never moves? The sideline!

Which team is the chewiest? The Toffees!

What’s the best position to play if you don’t like football? Right back – right back in the changing rooms…

My computer’s got the ‘Bad-Goalie Virus’. It can’t save anything.

How did the football pitch end up as triangle? Somebody took a corner!

Why did the footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch? They were the skipper!

How do football players stay cool during a game? They stand near the fans!

What do you call a [insert team here] player in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A referee!

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…and some quotes:

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