#Mahalo!PM <333

[brooklynislandgirl]

Confession meme : " I think of you as my mom and I see you as someone who is a good part of my life and I know you would protect me and I want to make you and Chris proud of me I have to try "

Confessions in the Dark || Accepting

For a moment Beth feels something cascading down her spine, a million little squirmy-crawly legs tap-dancing on the nerves so severely that she is in turn forced to suppress a shudder. How long had she been sitting here, staring off into space? Had she missed some important bit of conversation? That isn't unusual, the loss of a minute or two though.. "I'm sorry, Nate. I t'ink I kind of dipped out there for a second." She tries to be every bit as apologetic as she feels. "Uhm. Wha' we were talkin' about?"

[brooklynislandgirl]

1: Kitchen Counter, Couch, or on top of the dryer?2: Your last sexual encounter: Good or Bad and why:

Things That Make You Squirm || Accepting

"I said you could aks me a question, an' dat's technically two.” Of course she’s ribbing him, and will continue to do so because she’s trying to make him laugh. She never sees him do that. “First answer…depend on wha’ I’m doin’ right? Kitchen counter for makin’ san’wish, or salad, or openin’ a can of cat food for a particularly greedy boy who know beddah dan t’ jump up on it. Couch f’ watchin’ tv, playin’ games, readin’, knittin’, nappin’. I mean dat really is da mos’ versatile. Also, no tell da dryer, but it makes beddah place t’ fold laundry, too. Speakin’ of which, you should go pull yours out of it. So I can put mine in. An’ dryer is bes’ place t’ get naked cause ya don’ wanna wear your scrubs for one more minute an’ heaven f’bid you strip out of dem once you get inside because your braddah will start screamin’ at you like you’re guilty of committin’ war crimes. An I mean…if you’re inside ya own hale, den who cares if ya in ya underwear?” She half grins but then it dies, not only on her lips but in her eyes and she hides it away by picking up the laundry basket with the sheets and towel, padding barefoot down the hall toward the laundry room. Her loft is the size of literal mansions, the whole place takes up the entire fifth floor of the six story building that she and Andy own. Her only roommate is her brother. They’ve mentioned maybe letting him take one of the open units below, but first they want to make sure there aren’t any legal problems. Her already small voice is even softer now. “Las’ sexual encountah legitimately was…almos’ ten years ago. I uhm…I was in med school. I’d managed to match at my teaching hospital, an’ was lucky enough to have my favourite teacher be my mentor. Now in my own defense, he was probably da first man who wasn’t Andy an’ wasn’t a shark, dat I ever fell in love wi’. An’ after spendin’ so many years at his side, learning an’ growin’ an’ becomin’ friends…I had a fantasy. I…I tried to explore dat fantasy on my own…” Her normally preternatural grace is lacking as she drags things from the washer and putting it in a second, empty basket. It’s almost angry. What it really is though is embarrassment. One stupid mistake that changed the entire course of her life and only managed to make the Admiral disdain her further. “I dunno if it’s because I did it wrong, or if I’m jus’ not capable of actually uhm…you know. What happens when ya done…doin’ dat… But I made da mistake of writin’ it down in my journal. An’ next time I had t’ present my notes to a room full of med students and doctahs? Someone had slipped in da wrong slides into my presentation. I stood dere talkin’ about kids wi’ cancer, an’ behind me, every feelin’ and every uhm…physically romantic thought I had about his hands and his mouth…right behind me in big bold lettahs.” She laughs but there’s something very broken about it. “An’ dat is da day I quit medical school t’ become a nurse somewhere away from him, an’ how I decided sex is not somet’ing I really need or want. And discovered dat Africa was a very beautiful an’ culturally diverse place.”

[brooklynislandgirl]

: Weirdest thing that ever made you horny

Things That Make You Squirm || Accepting

For a moment she stares at Nate as he eats maybe his first meal in days like he's grown another head. There's something that is too casual about the way he asks that unsettles her for a moment. But when she offered to try and help him, she promised him to always be honest, and that she'd be as transparent as possible. But it's a hard question because Beth doesn't really feel those things, does she? She had once believed she was in love with a person, and had tried to self-explore the things that came with it but she'd never found satisfaction. For the longest time she thought maybe she was broken, until someone told her that it was perfectly natural, that love was a spectrum. She simply happened to be on the very shallow, confused end of it. "Uhm. Back in' small kid time... I was five, mebbe six, don' remembah clearly any more, but back den, I was in da waddah on a body board, waitin' f' my braddah...ten, or eleven, t' come into da ocean wi' me, practice surfin'. I uh. I...Dere was a shark, too. It test-bit my leg...which is basically when dey bite to try an' figure out da kine. Anyway, nearly took mos' of my leg wi' him before he swam away." She stretches her leg out beside the table, enough that he can see it, and raises her skirt to her knee, showing the clear scar of the mouth shape, and the atrophied muscle within the scar's borders. "When I was beddah, my braddah aks me if I was afraid of sharks, of da sea...an' I tole him...dat I was in love, an' was gonna marry dat shark some day." She hides her leg away again and shakes her head. "Still single, aftah twen'y eight years if dat gives you a sense of closure."

[brooklynislandgirl]

🖤

A Little Me, A Little You || Accepting

Hanai Keiki || Nate Jacobs Black Days || Thin Blue Lines/Euphoria X-over

attractiveness:

repulsive / hideous / ugly / not attractive / unappealing / not unattractive / meh / no preference / ok / mildly attractive / nice looking / cute / adorable / attractive / pleasant on the eyes / good looking / hot / sexy / beautiful / gorgeous / hot damn / would tap that / perfect / godlike / holy fuck there are no words.

personality:

grating / irritating / frustrating / boring / confusing at best / awkward / unreasonable / psychotic / disturbing / interesting / engaging / affectionate / aggressive / ambitious / anxious / artistic / bad tempered / bossy / charismatic / appealing / unappealing / creative / courageous / dependable / unreliable / unpredictable / predictable / devious / dim / extroverted / introverted / egotistical / gregarious / fabulous / impulsive / intelligent / sympathetic / talkative / up beat / peaceful / calming / badass / flexible.

how likely they would have sex with them:

not if they were the last person on earth and the world was ending / fuck no! / never / no way / not likely / not sure / indifferent / I’m asexual / maybe / probably / it depends / fairly likely / likely / yeah sure / yes / would tap that / hell yes / fuck yes! / wishing that could happen right now / as many times as possible / we are already having sex.

level of friendship:

never in a million years / worst of enemies / enemies / rivals / indifferent / neutral / acquaintance / friendly toward each other / casual friends / friends / good friends / best friends / fuck buddies / bosom buddies / practically the same person / would die for them / true friends / my only friend / adopted child

first impression of them:

i hate them so much / i don’t like them / i don’t trust them / they annoy me / they’re weird / I’m indifferent / meh / they seem alright / they’re growing on me / truce / I think I like them / I like them / I’m not sure if I trust them / I trust them / they’re cool / they’re genuine / I think we’re going to get along / I really like them / I think I’m in love / oh fuck they’re hot / I love them.

current impression of them:

i hate them so much / i don’t like them / i don’t trust them / they annoy me / they’re weird / I’m indifferent / meh / they seem alright / they’re growing on me / truce / I think I like them / I like them / I’m not sure if I trust them / I trust them / they’re cool / they’re genuine / I think we’re going to get along / I really like them / I think I’m in love / oh fuck they’re hot / I love them.

[brooklynislandgirl]

-Do they watch pornography? If so, what kind?💋-Do they use tongue when they kiss?😈-Favorite sex position? - drops this off and runs away

Sin a little Sin || Accepting

As a nurse and an adopted sister, she clearly has advice for Nate on his more dangerous hobbies and habits. She can't really help but to involve herself in things that are generally none of her business. Of course if he'd had a mother or someone more involved in his life, he might never have turned up in her ER and she'd never have informally adopted him. So as they're sitting down to breakfast ~Andy being kind enough to cook for them before heading to work~ it doesn't surprise her that Nate has a few questions of his own. Doesn't mean she can hear them without that blush rising to her cheeks, the smile that brings to life her dimples, the crinkle of her nose as she scrounges up the dignity required to answer him truthfully. She holds her hands up delicate and slim, fingers splayed. "Okay, okay. One a' a time." She's not mad at all. "So first...dat really is kinda personal but I'll allow. Dere was a time I did tryin' t' figure out wha' was wrong wi' me. I watch all kines. Professional an' more personal ones...various combination of involved people an' gender. For me...if doesn' do wha' it does f' a lot of people, you know? I t'ink some of da visuals are beautiful. Poses, shapes, almost anyt'ing can be beautiful. A lot of it is plain embarassin' wi' seriously cringe attempt at dialogue. My favourite one is essentially some sort of Pirate of Caribbean sorta story an' it is so very funny. But none of it really...does anyt'ing for me, you know?" A sip of coffee and a little laugh later, she addresses the next question. "If I wen 'round makin' a habit of kissin' people in a romantic way, I assume I would. Not you or Andy, clearly, dat would be gross because you know. Family an' I'm almos' old enough t' be ya maddah. But I'd appreciate it if you considah me ya hanai-sistah mo' beddah." The last question takes longer to answer and for a multitude of reasons; Beth has yet to ever put it into practice. She doesn't quite know how to explain it with words, and because she honestly has to spend a moment to think of the ones she knows. "Okay so. Don' take dis da wrong way but a demonstration is mo'beddah dan explain." She takes his hands and drags him away from the breakfast nook, leads him down the hall to the home gym where her yoga mat sits undisturbed. Nate has seen her go through her poses so she can somewhat imagine what might be going through his mind but nothing is really crazy. She has him sit with his legs folded criss-cross-applesauce, as Andy calls it, no matter how many times she corrects her brother. Once Nate is settled, she approaches him, hiking her skirt just a little to it doesn't hamper her movements, and very carefully she sits in his lap, her own legs loosely folded around his hips and her stick-thin arms around his shoulders. Facing him, there's an alignment of mouth, nose, eyes. They could breath each other in, gaze intimately into one another's souls, and almost all of them would be pressed together were this an actual act of love making. It isn't, and she's very careful to be both modest and instructive. "Is called Lotus position. Perfect t' practice tantra, though there's also so many other good ones. Is meant to connect you to your partner in more dan jus' body, yeah? An' some day, I'll know how well it might work in practice, but right now, at least f' me? Is all purely t'eorhetical."

[brooklynislandgirl]

"happy birthday to you Beth .thank you for taking care of me and just being here for me when I needed it. You mean the world to me .love always your new son Nate

It is a lifetime of grace and of awkward social situations she's been thrust into from the time she could walk unassisted that helps her not to choke up on the glass of Amon Ra she was sharing with Nate on the rooftop. Andy was in the apartment, taking in the dishes from dinner, and presumably putting candles on the cake he's made for her, affording Nate and Beth that moment of privacy. She wasn't sure what to expect when Nate came to stand in front of her, looming as only someone so much larger than she is can, and maybe it was a little unfair that she felt herself bracing for whatever he might have to say. She's stunned by the simplicity of the words. They are heartfelt, they are perhaps the most authentic and genuine things he's ever said to her, something wholly unprompted. Something incredibly sweet and she's so touched that she doesn't even know what to say at first. So she decides not to really say anything at all beyond "Choke mahalo, keiki." Offering him the largest share of her thanks, and affectionately calling him child. He said it himself, he's her hanai son now. And she only hopes that she and her brother can do a better job than the Jacobs family ever did. But she also pairs that expression of gratitude with a hug. She leans forward and wraps a hand on his bicep, before rising up on her tip toes that her head might grace some space near his shoulder.

[brooklynislandgirl]

50: Has anyone ever posted nude pictures of you online?51: What is one thing that NEVER makes you horny?

Things That Make You Squirm || -

She looks up from her book and ponders the questions. "No, keiki, no. It would require oddah person t' have nude pictures of me, an' I don't even have nude pictures of myself. Even if I did who would I send 'em to? Not my kind of interest really. An' as for dat oddah question...?" She chews on her lower lip for a moment. "Hones'ly I don't know how f' answer. For me, sex is a nice idea. I'm sure if I am in love, I might wan do it, you know? But I know I hate cruelty. Hurtin' someone jus' because you can. When you kick an animal who trust you. When you deprive a child of basic needs, or an' old person dey right to dignity. Dere's already so much pain in da world, why add to it? So if da person I cared about was dat way...I t'ink it would break my heart, and certainly would make me nevah wan be wi' dem again."

[brooklynislandgirl]

"Beth is it okay to not use a condom? Because I want to be safe and I just tend to forget when I'm with a guy and things happen and we get lost in the moment and in whatever is happening at that point. I want to be safe and I will I promise "

As soon as she gets a step-ladder, or her brother is finally sitting down, she is going to strangle the ever-living daylights out of him. They had agreed when they decided to give Nate a place to stay, to try to give him a chance of getting his life together, that he would handle certain questions and things from a man's perspective, and that she would handle others. In her opinion, it's Andy's job to be having the Talk with Nate. Something he actually has experience with. Coming to her is like asking a nun for marriage advice. On the other hand, this might be better. Sure, he was a combat rescue man before the Accident, and is now a police detective, but she's been a lifelong medical professional. Doctor, nurse, everything in between.

She pushes aside her knitting and pats the empty space on the couch to give him the indication that he should sit while also giving her the chance to gather her most sensitive compassion. "Way ya aks dis, Nate, I feel like...you're worried cause it already did happen. An' please undahstan dat I'm not condemning you or tryin' f' point out da kine ya obviously tryin' to recover from. Dat bein' said, I feel it is particularly important you always use one. Boy or girl, non-binary, gendah-fluid, agender partner or not. "Firs' usin' one is mebbe mos' effective way t' prevent pregnancy wi' anyone. Second, is critically important because you're young, you're not unattractive, an' because of da kine circles you sometimes hang out in... STI can be very common. Now, mos' of 'em can be treated, but oddahs can be a life long disease. Den you would have to keep track of ya meds, ya viral loads, an' you could potentially become very sick. Not somet'ing wor'd a couple minutes of fun, right?"

[brooklynislandgirl]

"what does love mean to you ? I never thought about it and I wanted to know how you would define it "

Things That Make You Squirm || Accepting

Beth had made one promise to Nate. And that was that she would never lie to him. Lying is a slow-killing poison. It opposes her desire to live pono. There’s no real direct or literal translation of that in English that she knows of, but the concept is at once simple, beautiful, elegant. Living pono is treating others with respect, to do the right thing in terms of self, others, and the environment. An ideal that transcends humanity and extends to the entire world. It is the path of aloha, which the world needs more of in her opinion.

But when he asks that, she can’t quite mask her expression, and for a moment Nate is exposed to her core self at her most raw, skinned down to pure emotion. It’s gone almost as soon as it shows, but it lingers in her voice and the brittle enunciation when she finally answers him. “It means…pain. The truest and most exquisite kind you will ever feel. Hate and rage and fear even pooled together cannot stand in the face of Love as it rips you apart down to your barest bones, leaves you wasted and gutted. Ever after it will whisper to you when you wonder what you ever did to deserve it.”

She could pray an entire rosary of names. Her mother. The Admiral. Her brother not once but twice. Everyone who came after. Everyone she’s ever offered her heart to on a silver platter only to find them leaving for reasons that were never clear to her, until she came to the conclusion that the only commonality amongst them…was her.

“For a while you’ll think it’s just a coincidence, all the while you’re bleeding from the inside out and praying at some point you’ll go numb. But you won’t because you’re not wired that way. You’ll try and find other things to fill the emptiness left behind, and nothing ever does.”

She shrugs a shoulder and turns away.

“And it’s the only thing worth living for.”