#Mostly the constant unwavering existentialism gets to me

[the-fear]

hiiiii :3

i read tags on that post you reblogged for me and i agree that its most likely that kayne is nyarlathotep since it'd pretty much align with cthulhu mythos - it often takes human form to walk the earth and it's character is pretty similar to kayne's. It also acts with seemingly no particular goal again just like kayne! and i can't really think of any other gods in cthulhu mythos that would fit him so well

also I'd love to hear more about that theory of yours ^_^!!!!!!

Aw thanks for asking about this! :D

{Putting this under a cut because this is a lot of information. It’s pretty condensed but still quite long}

Please take in mind that this theory only just popped into my head when I read the post, so this has more holes in it than Emmental cheese.

I was thinking on the fact that Harlan’s post mentioned explicitly that Kayne’s identity will be addressed in season 4, and I was wondering what other things have been added to the podcast this season. Most notably are the characters (Oscar, the Butcher, Daniel, etc. - Noel is a Very Close Contender for being Kayne for me), but we’ve also had some other things at least slightly confirmed. Probably one of the most important things that have been confirmed it the time dilation.

I seem to remember that there were quite a lot of theories around time loops and similar phenomena (I think a few were on @ty-betteridge’s blog but I can’t find the posts for some reason). With Scratch’s apparent ability to live longer in dreams than in the real world, eldritch time dilation is basically canon, as far as we know. This could further open the door to other time-related shenanigans, including time loops, to be canon as well.

It’s also been mentioned in the time loop posts that John could in fact be a future Arthur (I may have got this wrong because it’s been a long time since I caught up on the theories). I personally don’t see that (I don’t know how that would fit in with the KIY stuff) but I do really think there’s going to be some stuff involving timeloops and Arthur and John.

Anyway, enough of that ramble! Let’s get back to the important part: who is Kayne?

I 100% believe Kayne is Nyarlathotep - or at least one version of him. Maybe not the one directly from the Lovecraft source material, but definitely an entity that shares the same role as him in the story. Especially with the common description of Nyarlathotep as “joyous”, and we can defintely say that Kayne is enjoying himself with Arthur’s story.

I say that Kayne may not be entirely based on Lovecraft’s Nyarlathotep, because that entity is described as an Outer God, and this theory hinges on the fact that Kayne’s origin is something much closer to home.

So what are some things that we know for sure about Kayne / Nyarlathotep?

From Lovecraft’s source material: his description tends to be of a “tall, swarthy man” but it’s often noted that he can shapeshift.

From the podcast: he has no canon appearance apart from wearing a black suit (and other details), as described by John in part 20. He is also noted to be playing piano in his first appearance.

He also has an Extreme interest in Arthur’s life, as far as to having “watched [Arthur’s] life unfold”. He wants to find out what’s “different” about Arthur compared to other people.

So here’s my theory:

Kayne is Arthur (+ John) from the future.

If you’re thinking that’s a slightly far fetched, I agree! There are several problems with this theory that I need to iron out. I’m replying to this ask because I hope other people can add to this theory, correct me on things that I got wrong, share some more stuff about Nyarlathotep, etc.

One question with this theory is that surely John would recognise Kayne if he looked like Arthur? Well, that’s already got an answer - Kayne can shapeshift, so probably changed his appearance to throw John off his scent. That might also explain the difference in accent between Arthur and Kayne: Future Arthur!Kayne is trying to be incognito, he doesn’t want Arthur and John to find out who he is.

Another question is why is Arthur!Kayne doing this? The motive I think Arthur!Kayne has is pretty evident: he wants to find out what makes him different, what allowed him to become Kayne. We’ve already been told that Arthur is different to most people in that he can hold a piece of the King in Yellow in his mind without succumbing to their will (compared to Marie’s sister, who was taken over completely by Mr Scratch, and the people who did not survive John’s book). Perhaps this difference allowed Arthur to become Kayne (remember that Kayne discusses hearing voices too, perhaps in a similar manner to John + Yellow in Arthur’s mind). Maybe what sets Arthur on the path to becoming Kayne is… accumulating other parts of Gods? Mr Scratch maybe - Arthur might be strong enough to keep charge of his body and Scratch just lives in his mind like Yellow did (if his plans with the stone go badly).

[wisteria-lodge]

burnt snake primary + bird secondary [model?]

Hi! I have been aware of the Sorting system for a long time now but I always get stuck in typing myself. I was wondring if you could shed some light on the process.

If we go by what I score at the test, it's usually a tie between Snake and Lion primary (most likely Bird last) and Bird/Badger secondary (most likely Lion last).

Internal primary / Built secondary, I can work with that. 

If we go by the "favorite characters" test then most of them are Snake primary and/or Bird secondary. I also have found that Lion doesn't exactly mess well with me, most character with a Lion anything get on my nerves but that's not a constant.

Fictional lions can be exaggerated in a way that works as a power fantasy for real lions... but I’m mostly just interested to see if the ‘favorite character’ test works out. 

I've also come to realise in real life that i absolutely hate deception or betrayal especially if it comes from someone I trust/close to me. 

I mean... is there anyone who is like ‘yes, I’m totally cool with people I trust betraying me.’ 

I also have an issue with loyalty and honesty both so I can understand why Snake/Lion is tied for my primary. My issue with Snakes is that I don't think I have this "no matter what" support. I bond with people a lot but if they don't treat me right I will push back, I will cry, I will tell them off 

Snakes might have more trouble than Lions when it comes to breaking with people who mistreat them... and they might feel more conflicted and “sticky” afterwards, since being loyal to people is the base of their morality. But they will absolutely do it. 

Think about a Lion changing their mind versus a Bird changing their mind. They both *do* it, but since a Bird has access to all the levels of their system, it’s all very consciously constructed, and they’re used to poking at it - change isn’t usually *that* big of a deal.

But I’m a Lion. If I’m going to change my mind, I need to smacked over my head with the lesson, usually multiple times (although I’m getting better about that...) I’m going to have a mini existential crisis (those things clear out the cobwebs.) And then I’ll be emotionally recalibrated. Snakes are internal primaries just like Lion, so their process is more like that. Dropping people is hard and emotional and sticky, but when they are dropped they are dropped. Badgers, since their *reasons* for whether or not they are responsible for someone are much clearer and more accessible, have an easier time writing people off. 

if I don't get the level of intense I'm looking for I will translate that as "not caring enough" and I'll break up or if that's not possible for whatever reason i'll be miserable.

You certainly want to get Snake loyalty directed at you, and if you don’t get it, you’re miserable. And the fact that something like that would make you miserable... is making me think Snake. This is very Snake-flavored angst.

A huge sourse of pain in my life had been some things that happened with my father that I translated as him probably loving himself more than me. I always see that Snakes stay loyal to their close ones no matter what and I'm like: why would I stay unwavering to someone that hurts me? 

You wouldn’t. You shouldn’t. No one should. 

I didn't abandon my dad when he was sick but I'm pretty sure I was Burned and resnting him 24/7 (sorry for the heavy stuff).

Being a caregiver is INCREDIBLY hard (there’s a reason you can hire people to do it, and they’re payed so well.) Being a caregiver to a family member is even harder, and being a caregiver to a family member who’s hurt you is probably one of the hardest things a human being can do. It’s really, really not unusual at all to resent the sick person, and you should not feel guilty about it. 

You also mention that Snakes understand other Snakes when they put their loved ones first and maybe in real life I do it but I have a huge example of me watching a Snake primary character not cutting off his love interest when she was awful to him from my perspective (emotional manipulation, choosing others before him, rejecting him, generally not loving him) and being LIVID about it.

I guess what I would say to you... is that even though the other primaries show their love differently, it does not mean they love any less intensely. A Badger choosing someone in need instead of you does not mean they are *not* loving you. 

Generally I tend to prefer couples that have things in common and two Snake primaries together will most likely be my favorites, most of my ships are like that.

There is something very attractive about two Snakes in a relationship together, but remember that all these different primaries and secondaries do balance each other out. I tend to think that *exact* house matches make unfortunate romantic pairings. They re-enforce each other’s negative traits, get too extreme, and sometimes get stuck because they’ve only got the one way to approach, and solve a problem. 

I have been very adamant about my friends not giving manipulative people the 'get go' to do whatever they want with them because I can see the indiference and the manipulation. 

Manipulation is a problem solving strategy, indifference is a motive. They’re not the same thing.

I get mad when they don't listen to me eventhough I turn out to be right. Most of the times I have cut off people from my life is the reason I said preiously, that I don't think they give as much support as I do to them and they end up after a point on my "I don't need you in my life anymore" list.

I’m starting to think you’re a Burnt Snake. You are clearly Snake, and you want to distribute Snake loyalty to the people around you. But it doesn’t feel safe (probably because of baggage left over from your dad - he hurt you, so you’re scared that they will too.) So you’re hyper sensitive to anything that doesn’t feel like the most extreme devotion. And just like a Burnt Badger rejecting people preemptively, before they have a chance to fail them... you’re rejecting people because it hurts less than them rejecting you. 

I think Lion gets up high because I can understand the need for following a 'cause' but in my case it's not exactly a moral cause, it's simply that I always wanted to be an actress and generally expand my knowledge on cinema/TV/theatre so I studied it. I wanted to be succesful in my job and get better and better and better. I am interested in prizes but only if they come as a recognition of my skillset (if that makes sense). I always thought that people were my priority even though the goal of achieving my dreams was always guiding me but as I grow older I'm not so sure anymore. I just know I couldn't be walking through life all alone.

This sounds like a Snake with no people (who wants people.) Without people, Snakes take care of themselves, and that often look likes job, money, prizes. (It’s where the old stereotype of “ambitious” comes from.) 

When I was thinking about what I wanted to do for a living, I wanted something that would wake me up in the mornings and make me feel that my time at a job won't be wasted. 

As do we all.

But I also needed for everything to be a real job, not charity for the "cause" eventhough I have worked A LOT just because I love doing some things and not ony to get paid. But I guess these things are fueled by my love and I don't see them as "profession" per se. 

People? Until in we live in the Star Trek socialist utopia, you need to be paid for the work you do. Even if you’re working for a charity and even if you’re doing something you love. 

Another pointer towards Lion is that I do identify with the thinking of systems and how they play a part in people's lives and how they should be changed. But I'm not sure I always did this. I think I've been Burned as well at some point (not sure if I still am) so that makes things difficult.

Yeah, you’re Burned. And sometimes Burnt Snakes will latch onto a Lion Cause, the same way that Burnt Lions will latch onto an individual’s morality. That’s actually pretty common.

The secondary thing is pretty simple imo, I think I'm a Bird but I might be Burned? I don't know if that "useful/fun" situation makes a difference for me because I always think that whatever I have collected is actually useful to me and if I got new skills, they would be useful to me as well at some point.

I don't know what else to write really, I think it's quite a lot to read already. If you have an inclination about my type I'd like to hear your opinion.

You haven’t talked at all about how you solve problems. Which might relate to burning, or it might not. But if you tend to collect skills and tools, that’s at least a Bird secondary model. <3

[sign-from-god-complex]

tonight might be my night to reminisce

Summary: Sentimentality was not a concept Logan was hugely familiar with, but there was one exception. 

Or, Logan gets emotional watching the stars and his boyfriends are there to help.

Pairing: LAMP/CALM

Warnings: Description of a panic attack (I seem to do a lot of those, huh?), dissociation, brief mention of death of a family member and general existential thinking.

A/N: The title for this one is from This Manhattan Man by The Altogether and I completely recommend their whole EP!! It’s on Bandcamp and it’s excellent; I was listening to it nonstop as I wrote this.

Tag list: @mutechild <333

AO3 Link!

__________________

Sentimentality was not a concept Logan was hugely familiar with. He found himself to be focused mostly externally, cognisant of his surroundings and of things much more concrete than feelings. More aware of facts and numbers or of the sensation of fabrics against his skin and the warmth of others when they touched him.

There was one exception, however.

Without fail, watching the stars inspired something in him. He couldn't explain what it was. It felt like a longing for something indescribable, a homesickness for a home he'd never had, an awareness of just how insignificant he was in the grand scheme of the universe. It hurt his chest, opened up something raw and hollow inside him, and yet at the same time it was intoxicating. It was Logan's one opportunity to be purely emotional—to disregard his nature and feel, wholly and completely.

As Logan sat on the roof, the sleeves of his sweater pulled past his hands, he allowed himself to breathe.

He could hear from underneath him the sound of people just existing, each of them caught up in their lives and unaware of the others around them doing the same. There was music from a distant place that Logan couldn't exactly pinpoint, quiet and blending with the windchill as it seeped through his bones.

Time was passing, seconds ticking by, and where was he? Truly?

The nature of the universe is still and unchanging, but the nature of humanity is fluid and unstable. Progress was constantly being made, revolutions were being led, both big and small, lives were being permanently altered every second he sat up here watching the stars with a weight on his chest.

It was overwhelming, knowing that there are expectations for him. He isn't allowed to live his life among the stars, no matter how much he longs for it—no matter how much he aches to exist purely as a being of light, guiding those he loves with an unwavering hand. He doesn't know what he's doing. He's good at pretending that he does—he's excellent at it in fact—but in reality, he's lost. Living his life waiting for another chance to feel stable. Hoping for another chance to feel stable.

But, here, in this moment, he was limitless. Here he was alone and yet he was accompanied by every person who had ever lived and everyone who ever will—an infinite wonder of possibilities and certainties. The universe was spread out before his eyes and echoing in his ears.

When his grandmother died, Logan's first exposure to loss, it was something his mother had said to him. Every star is a captured soul. When they leave the earth, they travel to the sky and take up residence there—safe, secure and sure of their purpose, of their identity and of every part of their endless being. Finally at complete peace.

Logan's soul came from the stars and it would return there in time.

There were tears slipping down his face but he didn't acknowledge them. They were expected on nights like this—his one chance for emotional release without the pressure of other's gazes on his back. These moments were his and his alone; that's the way they needed to be.

Logan gazed intently at the sky, identifying the brightest stars and the ones you may miss at first glance, wishing for some distance from the city lights. Wishing for a way to see the stars as bright and clear as they deserved to be seen, yet knowing all things only exist in context. This moment is the only moment like this there was ever going to be in the history of the world. Never before and never again will Logan experience exactly this, so how could he waste it away wishing for something different?

He was hit with another wave of emotion, suddenly aware of how everything he had ever experienced was long past. His childhood was gone. His teenage years were gone. Every 'first' moment was a moment Logan would never have again. The times when he didn't have to worry about the cost of living or his future career or how he was going to survive without someone there to guide him were over.

He was wasting away his life sitting on the roof of his apartment, watching the stars and remaining stagnant.

Sobs wracked Logan's frame for just a second before he managed to once again take a breath. A heavy, shaking breath, but a breath nonetheless. He had to remind himself that this moment was fleeting—all moments were fleeting, that was the nature of existence. The world is impermanent and all he could hope to do was make his life a good one.

No matter how hard it seemed, he had to keep moving forward.

Logan slipped down from the roof, dropping onto the fire escape with a loud clanging noise which would’ve startled anyone that could hear it. Logan was too far away to react though. He climbed in through the window, landing on the living room floor though barely processing his surroundings outside of the fog filling his head.

Distantly, he could feel something warm and soft being draped around his shoulders, gentle but firm hands pulling him to the ground, a steady pressure on his body to ground him, but not overwhelm him. He could hear whispering, could hear the rustling of clothing, the quiet sound of music—one of the classical music pieces Logan had shown Roman that he didn't immediately hate.

As his mind adjusted to the change he could recognise the dim light that filled the room, recognise the cool draft from the window he'd entered through. Recognised Patton, a warm hand on his shoulder, Virgil, a solid weight on Logan's thigh and Roman kneeling above him, pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

Recognised that he was still crying.

All at once, it was too much—the warmth and the pressure and the gaze of his boyfriends fixated on him—and he couldn't breathe. Wanting to sink back into that place where everything was fuzzy and numb but unable to find it with panic gripping every inch of his body. The blanket was torn away, hands left his skin and tears burned behind his eyes as he tried to explain but could only try his best to breathe. It felt like an insurmountable task.

Voices faded back into awareness. He could hear a quiet but steady counting and Logan recognised it immediately, pulling himself back in enough to attempt to follow along. In for four, hold for seven, out for eight—a constant rhythm, something to direct his focus to.

An indeterminate amount of time passed, the air filled with slow counting and heavy breaths and a peaceful sense of love. Logan unclenched his hands. Breathed. Opened his eyes.

The three of them were sat on the floor in a semi-circle in front of him. Patton’s eyes were wet with tears, face partially hidden away in his cat hoodie and arms wrapped around himself. Virgil watched Logan with a careful eye but made no move towards him. Roman was uncharacteristically quiet, gaze directed at the ground and brow furrowed.

Logan continued to breathe.

"What do you need, Lo?" Virgil searched his face intently. "How can we help you here?"

What did he need? He needed security. He needed a direction. He needed to know that what he was doing with his life was exactly what he needed to be doing, that he wasn't wasting away every time he took a moment to just exist. But right now though, he just needed them.

Logan stood, wobbling slightly on his feet, before speaking, "Come."

His voice was hoarse and low and the others obeyed it without question, following him to the couches and taking a seat—Patton and Virgil on the big couch and Roman in the armchair. Logan settled on the floor beneath them.

"Just... be here with me." Logan leaned back against the bottom of the couch, fitting himself in between Patton's legs. "Please."

Virgil hummed. Logan knew this was a concept he was familiar with; occasionally just existing beside another person was all the socialising Virgil was capable of, and Logan was his go-to for that type of company. He had no doubt that the other two had their experience with it though.

Patton reached down to thread his hand through Logan's hair. He had to shift his position so he could reach comfortably, pushing his legs onto Virgil's lap and pulling a cushion under his head.

"Is this okay?" he whispered.

Logan responded by leaning into his touch, and Patton smiled slightly.

"Logan," Roman began, his voice much more subdued than it normally was, "Did I ever tell you about my first camping trip?"

He shook his head and so Roman began to fill up the silence with a story. Nothing too exciting or adventurous, which was atypical of Roman's stories, so he assumed this one was saved specifically for a moment like this.

Logan let his eyes fall closed—his mind occupied by the words filling the air, the hand tracing through his hair and the calm he now feels. Here he was safe. He was the centre of the universe, the main character of his own story. It was grounding. It was exactly what he needed and it was perfect.

"I love you all," he said softly.

He'd interrupted Roman's story, but Logan doubted he really minded. There was a moment of silence before Virgil said, "We love you too, Lo."

Patton leaned down to kiss the top of Logan's head. "Every single bit of you."

"Forever and always," Roman finished and Logan could hear the fondness in his voice.

Logan wrapped himself up in the surety that provided him—in the way his boyfriends' love warmed him from the inside out—and used that to hold him tightly as he drifted off to sleep.