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Fifty Shades Darker: A Soundtrack Review

Quick Summary if you aren’t bothered to read all of this: Fifty Shades Darker soundtrack, listen to ‘No Running from Me’, ‘The Scientist’, and I guess listen to ‘One Woman Man’ if you have time.  But if you aren’t bothered click on it, it really wouldn’t be the end of the world.

Let’s all just be honest, if you’re like me, then you believe that the whole debacle that was the Fifty Shades of Grey film had one lone saving grace: its’ soundtrack.

I fell absolutely in LOVE with that soundtrack. (minus the one unintelligible Sia song on it) I mean, it created a passionate, burning love in me for the Weeknd, which drove me into the waiting arms of ‘Beauty Behind the Madness’.  That was an amazing album. (Shame about ‘Starboy’, but I’m not bitching about that right now.  Stop going off in a tangent, bad Becks)  So yes.  FSOG: Film? Not my thing.  Soundtrack? Very, very much my thing.

So, my love for THAT soundtrack resulted in me being extremely excited for the follow up.  The sequel, if you will, to what I believe may have been the best album of 2015.  Or at least, I believe it was now as not one other album that was released that year comes to mind.

(Minor tangent: I just googled it, and honestly? Not many good albums came out that year.  Sad year for music, then. Tangent over.)

So, yes, sorry, the sequel soundtrack.  The Fifty Shades Darker soundtrack.  Like anything you’ve ever built yourself up too much for, it was a disappointment.

Don’t get me wrong: I think it was great for the film.  Full of cringey lines, and the overall sound was fairly cliche and tune-outtable.  (I know that’s not a word, but I think you get my drift? Hope so, anyway.  Moving on- ) So, I think it's good for what it’s supposed to be - just extremely disappointing considering what it’s following.  I personally wouldn’t recommend just sitting down and listening to the whole thing through, like I did.  But I would recommend skipping through and listening to a few of the songs - in particular Nick Jonas + Nicki Minaj’s ‘Bom Didi Bom’, John Legend’s ‘One Woman Man’ (If you the embarrassing, over-the-top, trademark lovey-dovey John Legendness of it), and would DEFINITELY suggest you give Toulouse ‘No Running from Me’ a go.  Yeah, I love that one.  It just has a great feel, seriously, it’s the highlight of the soundtrack for me.

Riiiiiiight, so, now it’s time for the more in-depth analysis.  Basically what I’ve done is I’ve broken the whole thing down into four categories: 

1. Yup, I like it, I feel the sexiness, ‘tis good. 

Right, so first up, the two Danny Elfman songs.  I like them, they’re nice.  I really get a Carter Burwell Twilight-style vibe from ‘On his Knees’ which is cute, (Don’t be confused by my describing a song called ‘On his Knees’ as cute, the title DOES NOT match what you’re listening to at all) but ‘Making it Real’ is definitely my favourite of the two. (even if it’s slightly reminiscent of that music that people play when you’re put on hold by phone-business people)  So, both cutesy, but let-downs seen as they’re written by DANNY FRIGGING ELFMAN!

Next, ‘The Scientist’.  Franchement, I debated putting this on number two, but in the end I figured if Elfman’s songs made it to number one, then Connie Bailey Rae gets up here too.  I actually like Coldplay - please don’t click away - and this is one of my fave songs by them.  And her cover is good, not as good as the original in my opinion even if she has a better voice then Chris Martin, but good.  So Connie gets up on the good list.

‘Pray’ makes it up here too.  I kinda tune out most of the lyrics, but it’s fun enough to listen to with headphones and when it’s a bit too loud. 

José James ‘I’ve Got You Under My Skin’.  Sweet cover, very similar to the original, woudn’t necessarily go seeking it out, but it’s nice.  Same goes for ‘They Can’t Take That Away from Me’, but I think he does a better job of ‘I’ve Got YOu Under my Skin’, personally.

Nicki obvo makes it to the top.  Gotta love me some Nicki Minaj, even if it’s shoved with Nick Jonas, and tbh he isn’t too bad in this one.  I give it 3.5 stars. Which, considering the rest of the soundtrack, is pretty good.

The penultimate song I’m putting in this category is my personal favourite from the whole soundtrack, ‘No Running from Me’ by Toulouse.  I literally don’t even know why.  It’s just got an amazing, sultry feel to it.  I love the lead guys voice, it’s just great, and jazzy, and smooth, and just ugh.  It makes me feel good to listen to it.  Definite favourite song from this soundtrack, hands down.

John Legend ends the coveted (lol) top category by the skin of his teeth.  Some of his more-cringey lines nearly cost him a place.  But in the end, it IS the soundtrack for a rom film released on Valentine’s Day of all days, so he gets a bit of leeway and makes it to the top. 

2. I can stomach it, not too bad.  Kinda cliche, and I forgot what it sounded like instantly, but not too bad.

Halsey is here with ‘Not Afraid Anymore’.  I like Halsey, ‘New Americana’ and ‘Castle’ are my jam.  She let me down with this, not gonna lie.  It’s not BAD per se, just not what I’d expect from her.  Very sad.

Tove Lo ‘Lies in the Dark’, The-Dream ‘Code Blue’, Joseph Angel ‘Empty Pack of Cigarettes’, The Avener ‘I Need a Good One’, and Rita Ora ‘Kiss Me’.  All forgettable.  So much so that I force them to share one paragraph of description, because I can’t remember anything about them to expand anymore.  So that’s them.

Little Charlie and the Nightcats ‘ Living Hand to Mouth’.  I mean, it’s okay, but nothing to write home about.  Generic, really, for it’s style, but easy to listen to.

JP Cooper ‘Birthday’ is here.  It has a promising start, I won’t tell a lie, but the hell are those appalling lyrics????? I wasn’t able to tune them out.  Narrowly, narrowly missed category three.  Still not 100% it shouldn’t be there if I’m being totally honest.

There just isn’t enough accompanying music to distract from the beyond embarrassing lyrics in ‘What Would it Take’ by Anderson East.  It’s playing right now in the background, and I am physically restraining myself from turning away.  It’s awful, but not so awful that - no, no you know what? I can’t.  It’s category three now.

3. Ah Lord, too much, I feel nauseous.  SKIP!

The Sia song.  ‘Helium’.  It is vomit-inducing.  I really, really, hate it.  “Even Superwoman sometimes needed Superman’s Soul” WHAT??? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??? WHAT??? Ah well.  At least I could actually understand the words that came out of her mouth this time round.  Sorry Sia. If it helps, I liked Chandelier?

‘Cruise’ by Kygo.  I mean, I was gonna put it in the second tier cause it’s poppy and kinda annoying, but pretty meh overall, but then I got to the way he said “Cruuuuuuuise” and that annoyed the shit out of me.  Then the lack bass drop after he said it a few times was frustrating as hell, ‘cause the song is so generic and cliche I was EXPECTING it, and felt cheated when it didn’t deliver.  It actually made me feel something in my stomach it was so frustratingly disappointing, and so, it got pushed into the ‘So bad I felt physically affected’ category.

Frances ‘What is Love’.  Initially was gonna go in category two, okay, but forgetful.  Then I recognised the song and NO.  Just NO.  This? This is BUTCHERY! Of a CLASSIC! I frankly found it offensive.  No.  Move on.

Anderson East ‘What Would it Take’ - see above.

4. THIS SHIT WAS STUCK IN MY HEAD FOR THE REST OF THE DAY FFS PLEASE MAKE IT GO AWAY WHY CAN’T I STOP LISTENING TO IT ON A LOOP?????? Aka, the Taylor Swift Category.

The one Taylor Swift song on the soundtrack.  If you can, save yourself from becoming addicted by burying yourself in a hole, and avoiding any and every form of media.  If you don’t, it will find you.  And it will burn itself into your brain.