#Not that I dont love me a good occasional kinky fic-

[fourthwingingit]

Uncoupling fandom from sexual art because of the hyper sanitization of social media has done genuine harm to my psyche and I'm not joking. I will put an explanation under the cut if anyones gives a fuck

Hey so im a CSA survivor. For those who dont know what that means it is Childhood Sexual Assult. I was so young i dont recall an unawareness of myself as a sexualized being against my wiill.

And my first positive portrayals of sex/sexuality were from fandom. The first time i felt genuine arousal i was afraid of what people would do to me if they found out, and i stopped reading the fic.... for a while. But the story was so good, and it was just.... one sex scene..... and nobody was hurting ANYONE (somehow). So i guess i could see how the prince got out of his loveless political marriage to the princess of the neighboring kingdom.

This continued for years, until i feel comfortable with reading all kinds of sexual acts. And then i discovered the art! Oh my god! The visuals did something for me that the wornds never could! And itwas drawn so no real humans COULD have been harmed in the making of this! And as a bonus it was my prince/guard anime boys who i already thought of as being deeply in love! I followed as many horny artists as i could just to get to see what some of them can even imagine!

4 years passed like this. Then the porn ban. I had no way of finding consensual kinky art. So i tried hentai, as genuinely human made porn scared me (since i was (and am) too broke to pay for 100% garenteed ethical porn). My thought process was "if nobody can be hurt doing it, it must be the same right?" I was so wrong

I never knew there were so many ways to hate women while still fucking them and i never knew there were so many ways to hurt people. Every depiction of someone had 0 investment in the person. They were a disposable avatar for degradation and lust. Which is great for someone, but when you were raised on tbe idea that sex = violence.... that gets really bad really quickly.

I quickly found myself in darker and darker shit that felt (in retrospect) less and less like someones kink, and more and more like "how i punish the dirty whores and stuck up prudes who turn me down". It wasnt until i found an artist who did work with an oc (very hardcore noncon stuff) that i started to see the difference.

You see sometimes after the artist (I'm gonna call them T) puts their OC through the ringer, they walk away with money and a smile sayinf "same time next week?" Or occasionally you'll see T's oc put on the outfit and theres this suspension of disbelief that happens and its obviously p0rn logic now. The oc is NOT an unloved vessil for punishment (tho he does get punished and fucked like he isnt loved) the creator obviously cares about their well-being! And while humiliation, degrading boundaries, and literally what T calls "oc abuse" is part of it, there is a definite difference between T's portrayal of their oc and say- how randohent1lvrz69 treats busty anime babe no. 224 when the goblin hoards come a knockin.

This is not to say that randohent1lvrz69 COULDN'T be treating busty anime babe no.224 with the same care as T, but im saying its WAY harder to find healthy sexual representation, or less hardcore representation, in art BECAUSE of the forced sanitization of fandom. And that forces people like me to find really unsafe places to tey to reeducate ourselves

[musingsofmyown]

Do you guys ever read the tags in a fanfic and immediately get whiplash?

Because same-

[xuhoon]

hello can i be super annoying aND nosy and ask all 44 asks?

@himeaegyo oh my god... okay :) i love you boo

0: Height - im 5′1!

1: Age - 19

2: Shoe size - 6.5 in US

3: Do you smoke? - no, im v against smoking of any and every kind. please protect your lungs!

4: Do you drink? - occasionally with my dad ill have wine like for family events but i dont go out to drink myself because its illegal

5: Do you take drugs? - other than advil and medicine for my flu, no!

6: Age you get mistaken for - 15 or 24 but its really strange

7: Have tattoos? - no

8: Want any tattoos? - if it doesnt hurt so much then yes ive been thinking of getting a small disney themed tattoo or maybe a rose somewhere but i havent thought about it in a really long time

9: Got any piercings? - no, i let my ears close up because i was too scared to stick anything in them to stop the closing!

10: Want any piercings? - i may want my ears pierced again, but idk. im trying to get through life without it? but like... wedding look

11: Best friend? - my dear wife emi

12: Relationship status - Still Lonely by Seventeen

13: Biggest turn ons - ohohohoh im kinky.... but on the other side of things, being well dressed and confident in who you are are a good combo, and someone being absolutely in love with me. you know, like in fics how they write boys sometimes? i want that

14: Biggest turn offs - drugs and partying... im a straight edge kid

15: Favorite movie - UHHHHHH TANGLED

16: I’ll love you if... - held my hands to stop me from biting my nails

17: Someone you miss - MINGHAO WHEN WILL HE RETURN HEALTHY

18: Most traumatic experience - my 3 emotionally abusive ex’s

19: A fact about your personality - im as bubbly as seungkwan!

20: What I hate most about myself - oof... that my self esteem is so low

21: What I love most about myself - tbh i dont really know...

22: What I want to be when I get older - imagineer at disney! 

23: My relationship with my sibling(s) - he is disrespectful and treats me like trash

24: My relationship with my parent(s) - good! i can talk to them about anything, and my mom is now a full on svt stan and her bias is coups

25: My idea of a perfect date - DISNEYLAND

26: My biggest pet peeves - iiiiiiiiiiiii really hate when people smoke in my vicinity i cant handle it

27: A description of the girl/boy I like - lee jihoon

28: A description of the person I dislike the most - the emotionally abusive ex who bread-crumbed me

29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend - i didnt want to talk to 

30: What I hate the most about work/school - when i cant get a class because its full OR when my teacher ruins the subject for me

31: What my last text message says - its me texting my best friend about the group chat legacy, and it says “my legacy”

32: What words upset me the most - derogatory terms i am not comfortable sharing

33: What words make me feel the best about myself - does... lee jihoon’s laugh count...

34: What I find attractive in women - everything im bi

35: What I find attractive in men - almost everything im still bi

36: Where I would like to live - binch oh damn! right where i am :)

37: One of my insecurities - my physical appearance

38: My childhood career choice - pastry chef

39: My favorite ice cream flavor - Strawberry Cheesecake Ben n Jerry’s

40: Who I wish I could be - a better me

41: Where I want to be right now - asleep

42: The last thing I ate - a slutty brownie that my brother brought home. it has been longer than 10 min so i can safely say it wasnt a weed brownie and like i was kinda nervous to eat one??? he said they were fine but hes also an ass to me so idk! but im ok

43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately - lee jihoon

44: A random fact about anything - i wrote lee jihoon for a lot of them but tbh i dont actually have a crush rn and im v lonely and would like a date!