#Now I can go into my local bookstore and there is an official pamphlet

[lionblaze03-2]

Saw this in my local bookstore today… just look how far we’ve come 💖

[ruubiix]

TMI. I apologise.

I’m really good at fake it till I make it. That’s probably why it’s taken up until now for my mom to notice that I have social anxiety. It’s kinda concerning. My parents also have no idea when I’m depressed or stressed. I feel like this is also concerning. This is complicated by the fact that my parents are “I’ll believe it when I see it” people, so they don’t think I have anything going on. So I can say “I’m not okay” but it’ll probably not do anything. They also still hold things aginst me that I did at 7, so that doesn’t help either. It’s frustrating. I know I’m not the most mature person ever, but I am self-aware. Is driving anxiety a thing because I think I have that? I’d rather walk than drive. I feel like my parents show affection in the form of favours or exchanges. I feel like they did me a lot of favours in high school, but they were also more frustrating then too. When my cousin lived here they were hard on her too, but through me because I didn’t want her to go through the blunt of that. It was nice having her here though she’s like a sister to me. I felt stronger for having her to go through life with. it was like a sleepover that lasted a couple years. I wonder if that’s what it’s like having real siblings. probably? it was nice having a player 2. I wish I could have that with my brother but he’s 2 mentally so no. I think I’ve only had one real conversation with him in 15 years.Talking to him is very one sided obviously. It’s weird raising your own brother, and then he’s taller than you. The height you wanted to be. I feel like he gets what he wants and he gets to be selfish, but when I even want chips that’s too much. Is that just me or is it really too much? I didn’t realise how trained I am to please my mom till my cousin came and kept doing things that upset her. it was small things like leaving a cup upside down in the sink or using all the knives in the same week. all these small things crimes. I love my mom but she is taxing if you don’t do things her way. And it’s taken me my whole life till now to make her semi-happy. I’m sure if I got a job she’d be happier. dad isn’t subtle about the job thing either. I’ve signed up for so many jobs never to hear back. my parents don’t think I've tried hard enough. They think I should go to these places and stake them out till I get the job. I actually did that once with awkward results. They told me corporate made those decisions and I was wasting my time. I’d like a job that suited me. One where I could work with young kids maybe teach them crafts or something. idk I have no idea. I’ve hit a rut. I just want a nice comfortable job, maybe an apartment, and maybe a dog. I’d also like it if my cat didn’t freak out when meeting said dog, but she’s afraid of everything and has more anxiety than I do. I’m glad I took her she never would have survived outside, because of all the stimuli. I’m glad we found my cousin’s cat too. He seems to help her with her depression. I wonder if the library would hire me? I’ve already tried once before though, and the bookstore. It's hard to name a place I haven’t tried. I wonder if it’s my appearance I don’t know how to dress female really without being awkward so I normally do suits because I feel more comfortable, but then my hair sucks so I wear a hat which is ill-advised, but without a hat I feel anxiety. maybe I should just wear a wig then I don’t have to brush my hair or anything at all. Why am I so bad at social things. This is why I bounce from looking confident to awkward in 2.5 seconds flat. I can talk to a biologist and a Ceo and R.l. stine and my other favourite author, but then I get to a freaking wendy’s counter or a job interview and I suck. Why??? I can just freaking black out and do great but if I am in total control I just fail at being human. I honestly half think that the CEO was hitting on me. Also, I’m too gullible especially when it comes to children. I gave this guy in target 50 that I just earned so that he could get himself and his kid home and he told me he’d be back to pay me back, and I gave him my number because he asked, but he never came back or called me. I called his number but he never picked up, so I just freaking stayed in target till they closed like an idiot. And what’s funny is that my hotter then me love thinks they’re not good enough for me. They think this after they’re so freaking talented with art and music. I mean wow. So what if they “just” went to art school. I mean they have they’re problems too, and I could be more vocal about talking to them about what bother me, but I’m just too awkward, and I confuse them a lot because we’re little bit on different frequencies. Like they’re on 98.3 and I’m on 98.5 so there’s some static. I love being with them, though. I just feel empty when I’m not with them? like I don’t miss them as strongly as they miss me (which bothers me too. I feel guilty) but I feel less happy for sure. They helped me love myself so maybe that’s why. I have this problem though that if I want something I might hint at the thing but I will not go for it. So, I was totally fine just being friends and then repetitively I’m fine not hanging out when I could have and wanted to with just a small sacrifice. It’ like being selfish is wrong for me.Everything I do is mostly to please others namely my family. My only way to not do what they want is to just put it off to last minute and then do it anyway. I should really see someone for all this, but then my anxiety about phones and then the stupid uni has only a phone number for their psychologists and then on top of that the uni is freaking miles away and I’d have to drive or burden my friend with that. Oh and I should be studying for a freaking test on top of all that so I can officially join my freaking major. I wish I had a quiznaking small loan of a million dollars to start a stress-free business and then live a quiet life donating money to charity and helping kids afford college and get out of bad neighbourhoods or something. Be one of those businesses that fund the local school and end up on fliers and news pamphlets to take home. I kinda wish I could do that thing like they do on tv where the college kid takes a break from college to “find themselves” and then they go on a peaceful but exciting adventure that makes their dreams come true.