#OKAY BIG LONG TEXT POST TO GET IT ALL OUTTT BC the tags kept cutting off the last 3 times and it made me feel dumb

[bicon-crange]

anyways going nuts about this again

IM SO BAD AT THIS STUFF IM SO BAD AT IT ITS UNREAL!!! GAH!!

I literally feel like a middle schooler or something. I'm getting jealous over tiny petty things, I'm getting angry over nothing and going FINE! if they dont want to talk to me I'll just ignore them!! I'm doing that thing where I like. bully. In this case all in a playful way and among friends but GAH I feel so so so bad for doing it at all.

Like maybe it IS better if I just don't talk to them if I'm going to be mean. I dont even know why I'm doing it!! what do I want out of this?? attention or something?? IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE TO ME.

ITS SO STUPID!!! And again its like I feel like I'm just. watching myself do all this and screaming at myself like WHAT ARE YOU DOOOINGGGG!!!

ugh. I mean, I think I'm handling all these immature feelings like an adult yknow? I start to get mad or jealous and I realize that and distance myself. Go on my own a little bit. I dont take it out on them or anybody else. I'm doing my best to respect this person and remember their boundaries and agh! AGHHH I just feel so stupid and immature and lame for even FEELING like that to begin with, for ACTING like that even if its friendly.

On top of that, people who AREN'T me have started to notice. Like. I brought it up to my therapist and ONE sentence in she was like OH YOURE TOTALLY SMITTEN!! like girl yes but i didnt even TELL YOU THAT YET. It makes me worry that I'm being so totally obvious. Like, I'm under the impression right now that they have NO idea, which is GREAT!!

But god if they knew this whole time and are just completely and utterly uninterested and just watching me make a fool of myself? HOW FUCKING MORTIFYING!!! HOW FUCKING EMBARRASSING!!! GODDDD.

side note;unrelated, I'm thinking of setting up a screentime limit on my phone because this is the THIRD WEEKEND IN A ROW where i have just sat for an hour+ and reread our conversation over and over and not done anything else. LIKE!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THAT!! There's an 100% chance that they DON'T do this and that they DON'T think itll be cute or charming or sweet or what fucking ever. BECAUSE ITS WEIRD AND ITS CREEPY AND UGHHHHH. UGH.

I have thought more than once this week about just telling them. Yknow just ripping that bandaid off and getting rejected and moving on. Unfortunately for me! My therapist advised against it. She said I should sit with this longer to see if I even like them. I say that I'm stuck in this dumb little prison and I'd like to just get out now, but she's the professional, not me.