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maybankiara · 4 years

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I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND, BUT I WAS TERRIFIED OF LOVE

pairing: Sarah Cameron x Kiara Carrera

summary: It takes Kiara a little too long to realise that it’s not John B she loves, it’s Sarah, instead. Based on the song Girl Crush.

word count: 5.2k

warnings: slight cussing, cannabis use, underage drinking.

additional: pining, fluff, gay angst, and a lil bit of mayward on the side because it was too good not to include it. i based this off the actual interpretation of the song, in which the narrator is jealous of the girl her ex is dating, not in love with her. except maybe...in this case, maybe she’s jealous of the boy, after all.

also, idk what’s the game that jj and kiara play at the beginning, it came to my mind and it’s basically the pogue version of “true or false” except you just say “poke” and then say whatever statement you think is true.

masterlist

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Kiara has liked John B for as long as she can remember. Well, not really, but long enough for that to become a thing that she just associates with herself.

Kiara Carrera likes John Booker Routledge. That’s all.

For years, she has taken this for granted. Sure, she is in love with one of her best friends, but it doesn’t matter, because they are all in love with one another, at least a little bit. She loves JJ and his disgusting sense of humour that never fails to make her laugh; Pope’s dedication to his academics and how much he always relaxes around the Pogues; and John B’s ability to get them all to do stupid things they shouldn’t be doing.

Somewhere in the back of her mind, she’s okay with things never changing, because she doesn’t want them to. If she were to lose her Pogues, she wouldn’t know what to do with herself – who is Kiara Carrera without her closest friends?

It’s this kind of love that Kiara values over any other.

And it’s fine, perfectly fine, until John B begins dating Sarah Cameron and things change.

That’s also about the moment that Kiara realises that shit, i’m in love with john b.

JJ is the one who notices it first. They’re sitting at the porch of the Chateau, waiting for John B to come back from his first date with the infamous Sarah Cameron. They’ve all heard about her – a Kook, a rich bitch from the wealthy side of the island. The Kooks stay off the Cut. They Kooks only date Kooks.

Pope’s away, studying for whatever it is this time. He made Kiara and JJ promise they’d call as soon as John B’s back, so it’s just the two of them.

Kiara’s fingers trace shapes in the dust covering the wooden planks. They’re doodles, nothing in particular, and the smell of weed fills her nostrils.

‘What’s up with you?’

‘Nothing,’ she responds, not taking her eyes off the floor.

She hears JJ shift and sees him rest against the outer wall of the house, legs propped up on the couch. ‘You’ve been moody.’

‘Don’t call me moody.’

‘See?’

Kiara throws a bit of dust at him, but it doesn’t reach him. She huffs, crossing her arms on her chest, and leans her back against the wall, too.

JJ grins. ‘I’ll poke.’

‘Don’t poke.’

‘Poke.’ He throws a toothpick at her. ‘You’re stressed out about school.’

Kiara frowns and an airy laughs escapes her, scratching at the tension within her. ‘No.’

‘Poke.’ JJ throws another toothpick and grins at her, widely, shifting his legs until they’re almost in her lap. She pushes them off, but he puts them back there, and she just gives up. ‘You’re stressed because Pope is stressed.’

‘That doesn’t even make sense.’

‘It does. You’re empathetic. It makes sense!’

‘Well,’ she sighs, ‘it’s not it.’

JJ nods. ‘So there is something.’

The air is filled with yet another cloud of smoke, and Kiara almost gives in to the feeling. She’s been feeling a little agitated lately for whatever reason, and the idea of smoking while not being completely herself doesn’t sound appealing.

‘Poke,’ he says. The joint is hanging between his lips and he’s sprawled across the floor, and it would make her laugh if it wasn’t something she sees every single day. ‘You’re upset about John B.’

Kiara shakes her head, but there’s something off about that. She turns her gaze away from JJ and begins playing with his shoelaces, instead.

He pulls his legs before she has the chance to. He’s looking at her in bewilderment, his mouth agape. ‘Holy shit. That’s it.’

‘It’s not.’

‘You’re blushing. It’s John B.’

‘It’s not John B,’ insists Kiara.

‘Poke,’ JJ says. ‘You’re upset because he’s with Sarah Cameron.’

‘No—’

‘Poke. You’re jealous.’

‘I’m not jealous!’ she snaps, finally. Her cheeks are burning hot and it’s not embarrassment, regardless of what JJ might thing. She shoots him a glare, her chest heaving. ‘I just don’t like the idea of a Kook infiltrating our circle.’

JJ nods, putting on a serious face, even if you can see beneath it. He smokes the last of his joint and flicks the butt, puffing the smoke in Kiara’s face.

‘Whatever you say, Kie.’

What he gets in return is a middle finger, and the conversation shifts to something else. It’s only when they hear John B’s van pulling up that JJ gives her the look, but she gives him the same so it stays between the two of them. JJ is a snitch, between the Pogues, but this is a line he wouldn’t cross.

Not when it’s about two of his three best friends.

Except John B doesn’t walk out of the van alone, and if she had any hope of things between the Pogues not changing, it all falls into water when Sarah Cameron walks over to Kiara and JJ, holding John B’s hand.

Kiara feels as if she’s about to combust.

Weeks later, the ongoing war between her and Sarah is the new Pogue thing. Kiara manages to convince them it’s about the whole Kook thing—‘She’s not like me. Kook’s a Kook and I was never one’—and they all buy it, apart from JJ. Sometimes she think how they never give JJ enough credit for how smart and perceptive he actually is.

John B doesn’t notice. Pope doesn’t really care. He mostly makes bets with JJ on who’ll win each argument, and how long it’ll take John B to realise that he should probably choose between the two girls.

Thing is, JJ didn’t get it right – Kiara isn’t jealous. Pope is the one to notice that first, when things click for him.

The two of them are lying on a hammock at the Chateau, legs intertwined. It’s a breezy March evening and they’re wrapped up in a blanket. Not too far from them, John B and Sarah are cozied up on the couch. He has her arms around him and she’s leaning into his neck, his fingers playing with the tips of her hair. JJ is off somewhere, probably taking his “me time”.

Pope shifts in the hammock. Kiara feels the movement and it’s sudden, and when she looks at him, his eyes are squinted and lips curious.

‘You like John B,’ he says.

Kiara just runs a hand through her hair, pulling her lips into her mouth. She doesn’t know what to say.

‘Shit. You actually like him.’ Pope stares at you with a hand clasped over his mouth, eyes wide in shock. ‘How long?’

‘Not long,’ she admits. ‘It’s because of Sarah.’

Pope nods, as if he understands. ‘Because you were enemies in school.’

‘No—’ Kiara begins, but then her face falls and she grunts, throwing her head back. ‘Yeah. Maybe. I don’t know. Sarah always hated me.’

‘You never really told us about your Kook year, you know.’

‘It’s just…’ Kiara sighs, tugging at a loose string in the hammock. ‘Sarah and I were really close in the beginning, and then she shut me off. She started hating me. And I don’t like her, okay? I don’t and I never will.’

‘Is that the whole story?’

‘I guess. No. I don’t know. We were best friends. She came up to me, the most popular girl in the school, the prettiest one, and asked me if I want to save turtles with her.’ Kiara glances at where the blonde is sitting – the sight of John B and her ex-best friend doesn’t sit right with her. ‘It was the best day of my life.’

Pope is quiet for a bit. Sarah’s giggle reaches the two of them and Kiara finally looks away, towards the other side, out to the sea. Its calmness is the opposite of the buzz of her own feelings inside her chest. There’s something about the whole situation that screams WRONG, and it’s more than just John B being with a girl who used to call her best friend then broke her heart.

When Pope takes her hand, it’s sweet and comforting. He doesn’t smile, but she feels it, anyway.

‘How does it feel?’ he asks. ‘When you look at them?’

Kiara shudders. The image pops up in her mind before she manages to stop it – John B and Sarah, standing in the kitchen, not noticing Kiara walk into the living room. His hands are on her waist, pulling her close to him, and his lips are pressed against Sarah’s forehead, his eyes closed. Her hands are wrapped around his torso and it looks so domestic, so… Kiara can’t even find the words.

There’s a thought, though, and the thought comes suddenly, when John B leans and kisses Sarah’s lips. The thought is wondering what Sarah’s lips taste like – do they taste like him? Or do they taste like Sarah, still?

Kiara shakes herself out of the moment, unable to suppress the shudder that runs through her. She knows Pope feels it, but he doesn’t comment on it, and she’s grateful.

She looks at her friend, wondering if he can see right through her. ‘I just wonder what it feels like. To be her.’

Pope nods as if he understands, and Kiara thinks that maybe he does. She’s seen the way he looks at JJ and the girls he’s with.

Maybe the two of them are not so different, after all.

‘I’m sorry,’ he says.

Kiara gives him a sad smile. ‘Me, too.’

She wonders if he understands what she means.

It’s almost May when things start getting stressful. It’s finals time for the Pogues at Kildare High School and also for Kiara and Sarah at the Kook Academy. This is what the rest of their lives depend on – it comes as no surprise that John B and Sarah are in a constant state of arguing and making up, each cycle more passionate.

Safe to say, it drives the Pogues insane. They’re studying at Pope’s, mostly, as Heyward said he prefers to have his son under his roof when the situation’s as important as this. Kiara and Pope manage to get JJ to concentrate more than usual, adapting their own studying tactics to JJ’s ADHD.

They’ve begun to ignore John B’s cries about Sarah being mean to him, or how they’re on the verge of breaking up. It’s mean, a little, and Kiara thinks she should care a little more, but she finds herself non unsatisfied that this is the situation.

She doesn’t think either of them are happy.

One of many stress-filled Fridays rolls around and they take a break from studying, chilling in John B’s living room. JJ has a joint between his teeth, despite John B saying his dad’s going to complain about the smell. His legs are propped up on Pope’s lap, inconspicuously, but Kiara can see the tension in Pope’s neck.

She wonders if she has those little tells, too, when she looks at John B and Sarah.

Her gaze shifts to them and she feels her stomach twisting in on itself. Sarah’s half-sitting in John B’s lap, her bare legs peeking out of the blanket. She’s freshly shaven – Kiara finds herself trying to guess if it feels as soft as it looks, and what John B’s fingers must feel like on them.

JJ’s laugh breaks Kiara out of her trance. She laughs, too, because when she turns her head, JJ’s upper half is on the floor and Pope’s holding onto his feet, looking mildly inconvenienced.

‘Asshole,’ Pope mutters.

The Pogues laugh and JJ blows him a kiss, making himself comfortable on the floor. Kiara notices the twitch of Pope’s ear, the one specific tell he has – he doesn’t blush, not really, but his ears twitch.

She laughs, a bit longer than everyone else. Pope glances at her and she shakes her head. ‘Y’all are idiots.’

Behind her, Sarah laughs, too. It’s a sound lower than she’d except, and she still hasn’t gotten used to it, months later. Kiara glances at her and catches the girl smiling at her, resting her cheek against John B’s shoulder.

Kiara looks away. It hurts too much.

It’s Pope who holds her gaze and he gives her this half-smile that almost breaks her heart. Somewhere along the line, they realised both of them are just pining after people they shouldn’t like that way.

But Pope smiles when JJ tries to kick him in the chin, helps him get up, and JJ smacks a kiss on his cheek. It’s not the same, it’s not what Pope wants, but it’s more than she could ever get. JJ only has eyes for the Pogues, and Pope is getting the most of his affection – John B only has eyes for Sarah.

It’s not like she can blame him. Still, she can’t help but think about Sarah’s golden hair, soft over her shoulder; she wonders what keeps John B kissing her. Does she kiss good? Is she good with her tongue, with her lips, with her words? She wonders what it feels like to run her fingers through Sarah’s hair, letting them rest on her neck.

She just wants to know what’s so special about her.

This time, when she glances at Sarah, it hurts as much as any other.

But not as much as it does when they break up, not even three days later, and Kiara ends up being the one consoling Sarah. It’s awkward, at first, because Kiara still kind of resents her for what happened freshman year. The two of them are sitting on the floor of Sarah’s bed, listening to Frank Ocean because apparently that’s what straight white girls listen to after a breakup.

Kiara is drawing. She’s doodling in her notebook, wishing she could be studying, but knows that Sarah needs her. They’ve only recently learned that most of Sarah’s friend didn’t support her relationship with John B and her friendship with the Pogues, and she was more alone than ever.

like i was first year, Kiara thinks.

Sarah glances at her. She’s sitting with her back against the bed, legs pressed close to her chest, arms wrapped around them. Her face is sour, tearful, but there are no tears on it.

Kiara puts down her notebook, sighing. ‘I don’t get why you asked for me. You don’t like me, I don’t like you.’

‘I never said I don’t like you.’ Sarah’s voice is quiet, miles away from the usual girl. She looks almost guilty; something bubbles in Kiara’s chest, but she pushes it down.

‘You didn’t invite me to your birthday party.’

‘Are you talking about my sixteenth birthday?’

‘Yes.’

‘Kie, that was two years ago,’ she says, voice breathy from shock. Her head’s tilted and lips parted, eyebrows making the slightest of movements. ‘Is that why?’

she doesn’t understand, Kiara realises. ‘You cast me out, Sarah. We were best friends. The day we met is one of the best days of my life. And then, you just—’

Kiara pauses, because she can feel she’s about to say things she could regret. She focuses on her breathing and relaxes it, fingers playing with the hem of her shirt. She doesn’t drop Sarah’s gaze, but Sarah’s eyes lower and she’s staring at the floor.

This is the first time a tear slides down the girl’s cheek, after all she’s been through.

She sniffles and smiles through whatever it is she’s feeling. ‘I have—’ she pauses, clearing her throat. When she locks eyes with Kiara, there’s something different in them – something she saw in Pope’s eyes all those months ago. Understanding. ‘Do you know why I broke up with John B?’

Kiara shakes her head.

The smile that Sarah gives her is sad, but not a devastated kind of sad. It’s the sad that glows in sunlight, that looks almost golden, that makes your eyes tear up because it’s too intense. It’s not inherently negative, but it’s full of emotion, hidden beneath a sheer exterior.

‘I can’t stand it when people like me. Not like you liked me,’ Sarah says, her voice barely louder than a whisper. ‘I push them away. I thought it was different with John B, but I couldn’t— I was wrong. It wasn’t John B.’

There’s a moment of silence, and Kiara feels as if there’s something more going on. She knows, vaguely, of the conversation that took place prior to Sarah giving her a phone call and asking her to come over. It was Sarah’s call to end the relationship, and both of them seemed kind of certain that it ended for good.

Suddenly, the idea of Sarah not being at the Chateau, with the Pogues, seems almost impossible. It feels like a vision from a different world – a world that somehow doesn’t seem right, not anymore.

Kiara takes her eyes off the blonde. Her eyes fall on the sketchbook, where his hand has been tracing a shape, and she realises it’s not a shape, but a person.

She closes the notebook. Her throat is dry and Sarah is looking at her, and maybe the silence between them is a little too loud.

‘You were my best friend,’ she finally said. ‘Of course I liked you.’

Sarah holds her gaze, unwavering, lips slightly pursed. She doesn’t say anything after that, not for a long time. But whatever’s going through her mind ends, and she relaxes her hands, letting them fall next to you. Her head’s tilted and her smile is small, sympathetic.

‘I’m sorry,’ she tells Kiara. ‘I really am. It wasn’t the right thing to do. But I just want you to know that I’m happy we got the chance to try again.’

It’s risky, and Kiara can’t believe she’s doing this, but she nods. ‘Promise you aren’t going to bail on me this time?’

Sarah smiles, and it’s bright, the usual smile she gives people when she’s herself, for the first time since Kiara arrived to the Cameron mansion. ‘I promise not to bail on you, Kiara Carrera.’

And she doesn’t. Things end on a good note between her and John B – turns out while Sarah was the one who instigated it, it was bound to happen, much like the Pogues predicted. Kiara goes over to the Chateau once Sarah’s better, and she finds the boys drunk, playing some drinking games she’s never heard of.

JJ pulls her into a hug the moment she arrives, and it’s almost unexpected how carefully he’s holding her.

‘Don’t do anything I would do,’ he whispers in her ear.

Kiara smiles against his cheek, giving it a light kiss. ‘Don’t worry, J. I’m not you.’

She sits on the couch and asks John B how he’s doing, and he pulls her into a hug. Pope catches her gaze, and his eyebrows shoot, glancing at her hands wrapped around John B’s neck.

‘Thanks for coming,’ John B says.

Kiara ruffles his hair, laughing lightly. ‘Of course. You’re my best friend.’

Pope and JJ stare, waiting for something—anything—to happen, except it doesn’t. They’re the Pogues, drinking beer in John B’s living room, helping one of them to put himself together, and that’s all there is.

They continue playing games, they give Kiara some beer, too, and it’s a fun night. John B doesn’t seem too beat up about the situation, which makes her happy, but that’s all it does. She doesn’t feel relief that he’s now single; she doesn’t feel the need to jump at him now that she has the opportunity.

Instead, her eyes glance to John B’s right side, which is where Sarah’s head would usually rest; his arm isn’t wrapped around anyone’s torso, and it feels almost like there’s something missing.

JJ is the one who catches her looking, but she doesn’t notice. It’s the expression on her face that makes him wonder; the way her eyes are gazing at the spot that used to be someone’s, almost tearfully, her smile shallower than it used to be.

Pope notices and Kiara notices him looking, because he’s sitting right across from her. The tilt of his head is asking her if she’s okay, and she nods, giving him a smile.

She is. She doesn’t have a reason not to be.

This is what she’s wanted all along, right?

But she can’t help the way her stomach flips when she looks over to where Sarah should be, and how she feels the empty space as if it were her own.

JJ notices. And JJ brings it up, a few days later, when they’re finally alone. He’s sitting in her bedroom as they wait for Pope to join their study group, having been held back by Heyward. JJ is spread across her bed but his feet are in her lap, unwilling to be anywhere other than people’s laps, apparently. The back of his head is propped up on his hands and he’s chewing a flower he plucked out of Kiara’s mom’s garden.

He nudges his foot into Kiara’s stomach, forcing her to bring her attention off the textbook she’s reading. ‘I poked you.’

Kiara sighs, closing the book. ‘What is it this time?’

‘You’re bothered about Sarah.’

She looks at him, lips pursed, and gives him a slight nod. ‘She’s our friend. Obviously I’m bothered.’

JJ frowns and purses his lips, mimicking her, and points a finger at her. ‘Poke. You’re upset because of more than that.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Poke. You know what I mean.’

‘No,’ Kiara insists, ‘I don’t.’

His grin is wild and he has this face that says he’s in on the joke, on the secret, even if this time there’s no secret. ‘Poke. You miss Sarah Cameron.’

‘I do. So?’

‘Poke. You miss Sarah Cameron.’

‘You’ve just said it.’

JJ’s grin grows bigger and he shifts around, until his feet are playfully bopping at your knees. He looks like a kid that’s having fun, and Kiara smiles against her will, rolling her eyes.

‘Poke.’ He props himself up on his elbows and clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth. ‘You know that’s not what I mean, Kie.’

Kiara shakes her head, finally pushing him off of her. ‘Wrong poke. And I’m done talking about this.’

JJ opens his mouth to talk, but he’s interrupted by Pope who walks through the door already ranting about his dad’s strict measures of keeping him in check, and JJ’s attention to whatever he thinks is going on with Kie is gone immediately.

She sees it, now, and understands it in a way she hasn’t before. Pope and JJ don’t need anyone else – they only have eyes for each other. Sure, JJ keeps his feet in her lap, too, but he’s gentler with Pope. He teases him more, they joke around more, but he also seems more playful, brighter.

It’s not something Pope notices, of course, and Kiara wonders if she should intervene.

But it’s not her decision to make, so she doesn’t. Instead, she revels in the appreciation they have for one another, and doesn’t stop to wonder why it makes her think of Sarah’s golden smile when she said Kiara liked her.

In fact, she doesn’t think of her and JJ’s conversation until mid June, the day before Midsummer’s. Sarah takes her dress shopping, after the two girls have been spending quite some time together. The blonde has held onto her promise on not giving up on their friendship and Kiara appreciates it more than she could let her know.

Well, she does, by going shopping with her, and letting Sarah try to find her the ideal dress for Midsummer’s.

It’s a fun day. The Pogues are all working at the event and Kiara knows it’s going to be odd for her and Sarah to be on the other side of the food chain, but that’s the way it is in Kildare.

They’re shopping in Chapel Hill and they’re on a ferry home, when Sarah leans her head against Kiara’s shoulder.

It’s sudden and unexpected; Kiara fights the need to shudder. Her mouth opens to ask something, but her voice betrays her – what is she even going to ask? This is something JJ does all the time, something John B has done before, and Pope must’ve, too. She had girl friends when she was younger and they’d all do this thing.

It’s normal. It’s perfectly normal and unexpected – they’re friends after all.

She relaxes her shoulders slowly, hoping Sarah doesn’t notice. It’s a warm and sunny day, but there’s a breeze and she feels the scent of Sarah’s perfume. It’s sweet, just like a summer day, with a dash of some flowery scent in it. It’s her shampoo, Kiara realises, and her hair is just as soft as she thought it would be.

Before she realises what she’s doing, her hand slides around Sarah’s shoulder. Her skin is warm underneath Kiara’s fingertips and Sarah relaxes into the touch.

Neither of them talks for the rest of the ride.

When they get off, Sarah chats as usual, as if nothing has happened, and Kiara begins to wonder why she’s having to convince herself that yes, she’s right, nothing happened.

They drop off the clothes at Sarah’s house, since that’s where they’ll be getting ready tomorrow, and Sarah offers to give her a ride home – except she doesn’t drive her home.

She drives her to the far north of the island. It’s a sandy beach, not far from Sarah’s home, and it’s just a little further from where most of the Kooks go for tanning. Golf courts aren’t too far away, either, but that’s not why Kiara gasps quietly when she finally realises where they are.

‘This is where we helped the turtles hatch.’

Sarah nods, turning the key and taking it out of the ignition. She spares Kiara a brief glance before she’s out of the car, the door slamming behind her.

what the fuck is going on crosses Kiara’s mind, but she follows her friend out of the car.

The blonde is walking ahead and Kiara runs a little in order to catch up with her. The sound of her feet in the sand is louder than she’d like, but it doesn’t matter, because it makes Sarah laugh.

They take a seat next to the ocean that’s still, only the moon shining above it. There’s a lighthouse on a small island in front of them, too far to be loud enough to disturb them.

It’s almost as if the only sounds Kiara can hear are the ocean, Sarah’s rhythmic breathing, and her own heart pounding in her chest.

‘It was the best day of my life, too,’ Sarah says, staring out into the ocean. ‘I didn’t know it at the time.’

Kiara’s fingers begin drawing shapes in the sand. ‘Happens.’

‘Kie.’

When she looks up, the intensity of Sarah’s gaze is almost too much for her to bear. It’s almost as if there’s every single emotion pushed into a single glance, and sometimes Kiara thinks Sarah is too powerful for her own good.

It’s also somewhere about this moment that Kiara’s eyes glance to Sarah’s lips and she begins to wonder how they’d feel when being kissed, if they’d move in the same rhythm as hers. It’s also somewhere about this moment that Kiara realises that she’s not thinking about John B kissing her, and it probably never was about John B kissing her, in the first place.

It wasn’t Sarah she was jealous of. All these touches she kept imagining, forbidden and quiet in her head, masked as through the lenses of John B – she didn’t want to be with John B, she wanted to be him.

oh is just about the only coherent thought in Kiara Carrera’s brain in that moment. Because Kiara Carrera does not and has not liked John Booker Routledge.

It’s been the blonde girl she thought she was jealous of, and that’s been the problem the whole time, and Kiara wonders how long?

The ocean is dancing in the quiet and Sarah’s breaths are quiet and Kiara’s mind is quiet and all she can think about is all the thoughts she’s had for the past months—no, years—and they’re rewriting themselves, to be the truth, to stop fitting the narrative she thought she was living.

JJ’s telling her she’s upset about John B dating Sarah, a joint in his mouth, poking the guess at her. Pope holding her hand as they talk about her situation, which is also the moment she realises his situation regarding JJ, and it makes sense how she knew it felt the same. JJ is on her bed, flower in his mouth, poking the guesses at her, and this time he’s right when he says that she misses Sarah.

The blonde bastard is probably the first one who figured it out.

But then her mind wanders off to sitting on the floor in Sarah’s room, golden sunrays shining on the blonde girl, and Kiara figures it must just be the blonde instinct, because when Sarah said she stopped being friends with her because Kiara liked her, there was a misunderstanding.

The oh comes again, and Kiara’s eyes are still staring at Sarah’s lips.

Maybe a moment has passed since Sarah called her by her name. For Kiara, a lifetime has passed, a lifetime has changed.

Sarah bows her head, catching Kiara’s gaze. ‘I pushed you away because I liked you, too.’

A moment – that’s how long it takes for Kiara to press her lips against Sarah’s, her hand cupping the back of the girl’s stomach. It’s everything and nothing like she’s imagined, because it’s not John B kissing her, it’s Kiara, and it feels more earnest than any kisses between her and John B have.

Sarah’s lips are soft and she still smells like the same perfume and shampoo, and she tastes like the food they had at the Wreck, but she also tastes sweet and like summer and she’s all summer days and summer nights and moments that never end.

Their lips move in sync, brushing and colliding all at once, a dance that feels like second language. Kiara’s hands graze Sarah’s jaw, kissing the corner of her lips, and Sarah’s hands are underneath Kiara’s waist, underneath the shirt, and where her fingers touch bare skin, she leaves fire.

When they part, they’re both out of breath, but they’re smiling and laughing and Kiara is savouring the moment, bottling it up, knowing this is the new best day of her life.

She kisses Sarah, again, and again, and once more just because she can. It’s not something she thinks she’ll ever get tired of.

‘I thought I was jealous of you,’ she whispers into Sarah’s mouth, kissing it again. ‘I thought I just had a girl crush.’

Sarah laughs, and it’s heavenly, and Kiara feels the flutters in her stomach and they’re not empty anymore because Sarah is here, right in front of her, all hers.

Their lips brush again and it’s soft and it’s exploratory, and they’re both crossing a line they didn’t even realise was there, but it feels right. When Sarah laughs again and says ‘must’ve been one hell of a girl crush,’ Kiara kisses her until she’s too out of breath to laugh, and Kiara thinks that maybe she’s happy that John B took Sarah out on a date all those months ago, after all.

#outer banks #obx #sarah cameron #kiara carrera #sarah cameron x kiara carrera #outer banks fic #obx fic #kiarah #kierah #my fic #f: obx #s: kiarah

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chikabiddy · 6 years

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Chapter 10

Much later than I like, but I present the next installment to Building Bridges.

Here is the ao3 link!

Logan paced nervously outside Veronica’s apartment. He’d already knocked, and it was taking Veronica longer expected for her to answer the door. Maybe breakfast wasn’t a great idea. The door swung open as he lifted his hand to knock again. Veronica stepped out of the apartment, locking up behind her, and turned toward Logan with a shy expression. There was a weird energy in the air which set Logan on edge. Veronica kept her distance from him, back brushing against the side of the apartment complex almost as if she were avoiding any contact. The tension threw him off, and he let the silence get uncomfortable.

“I think I was promised pancakes?”

At least she seems interested. “Oh, yeah. Sorry. You ready?”

“Naw, I just came out here to tell you I need another 15 minutes.” She gave him her classic head tilt, easing the tensions enough for Logan to relax. “Shall we go?”

Logan motioned for Veronica to walk ahead of him as they made their way to his car. He planned to open the door for her, but she was too fast; her door was open, and she was in the car before he reached the edge of the sidewalk. Probably good. Opening the door for her might have been excessive for apology pancakes… He jumped in on the driver’s side and tried to determine the best way to start up the conversation. Do I bring up the case? Or should I save that for the breakfast? Or maybe ease in with the case and then bring up being worried about DK? Rebuilding a friendship shouldn’t be so difficult. Although, he’d never had to rebuild a friendship before; he’d never cared enough to, which left him without a good comparison point. Glancing at Veronica, he realized she had her fists clenched and her jaw was tight. She looks as uncomfortable as I feel. Great job. You’ve successfully made it awkward. Bang up start to the friendship rebuilding.

“So… what do you have planned for the rest of the day?”

“Hmm?” Veronica seemed dazed as her attention pulled back to Logan.

“I just asked if you have plans later today.”

“Oh. Nothing much.”

“Smooth, Veronica. Nice and vague.”

“Well, what about you, Logan?” Her response had a sharp edge. He rubbed the back of his neck, unsure of how to proceed or what caused her to respond with such a tone.

“Uhm, I don’t really have anything going on.”

“No surfing? No hot dates?”

“Not unless you’re volunteering.”

“Uh, I don’t think –”

“I’m joking, Veronica.”

Her tightly balled fists relaxed against her thighs and her lips quirked up at the end, visibly relaxing. Their conversation flowed much more easily until they reached the restaurant.

Logan knew two things: exactly what Veronica would order and that she would be hungry this late in the morning. Since he honestly did believe he owed her, he called ahead to the restaurant and placed their order. Thank god the Echolls name is good for something. They got their food almost as soon as they were seated. Veronica gave Logan a look which mix somewhere between quizzical, exasperated, and admiring. He smiled with a shrug and dug in to his own pancake stack, ignoring the implications behind her expression. Shaking her head, but mercifully offering no protest, Veronica followed suit.

“So, will I ever hear about this case your wrapped up?” Logan dipped a piece of bacon in some syrup and looked over the table at Veronica, taking a bite of the bacon.

Veronica fumbled around the pancake in her mouth, swallowing hard. “Oh, yeah.” She reached for her glass of water and swigged some down before continuing. “There’s this kid, a freshman, and he wanted me to find his dad, right?” Logan nodded, encouraging. “Well I spent all this time with Wallace mailing out letters to this deadbeat – his name is John Smith, by the way. Can you believe it? The kid wanted me to find a guy named John Smith. Do you have any idea how many John Smiths there are? Over 100, just around here – anyway.” Veronica stabbed her fork into a pancake, looking down as she did so. “As you know, I’m familiar with the deadbeat type,” she forced out, voice angry. “I don’t even think this guy is worth the trouble, but Justin, the kid, insists he just wants to find his dad. Gives me zero real leads. It was a mess.”

She grimaced, dropping her fork with a clatter. “But I committed.” She rubbed her temples. “So, Wallace and I spend all this time mailing out letters to every single John Smith in the area. $150 in postage!” She crossed her arms with a huff. “Then, Wallace gets this kids file –” A hand flew to her mouth and her eyes grew wide. “Oh my god, I did not just tell you that.” She reached out and gasped Logan’s arm. “He could get in so much trouble, Logan, you have to promise you won’t say a word.”

Logan was taken aback by Veronica’s intensity but noted with some satisfaction that her regret for telling seemed to be more about Wallace than himself. She told me a secret. Maybe by accident, but she still did. Forcing back a victorious grin, he covered her hand with his own and leaned forward slightly.

“Don’t worry, Veronica,” he offered with a laugh. “I may be many things, but I’ve never been a snitch.” He winked but pat her hand in what he hoped was a reassuring manner. “Plus, Wallace and I are…” he hesitated, how do I explain what we are without giving away our investigation into Troy? “Well, we’ve come to an understanding, I guess you could say.”

The look in Veronica’s eye told Logan he would be hearing about this later, but he was determined to get the rest of her story first.

“He’ll never know you told, promise.”

The stiffness in her shoulders relaxed and she squeezed his arm, gently removing her hand. She picked up her fork and refocused on her plate, taking another bit of pancake.

“Wallace got the file…” Logan prompted, with a wave of his hand.

“Mmm.” She nodded and finished her bite with a gulp of water. “Yeah and get this: the kids dad died. When he was in kindergarten!” The last sentence was a barely contained yell.

“He asked you to find his dad, but his dad was dead? Did he know his dad was dead?” he asked, genuinely interested in the case.

“Yes!” she exclaimed. “He knew the whole time! This little weasel wasted my time, my money. God, I was so mad.”

I see now why she railed the kid in the hallway. He really pissed her off. She’s still mad.

“Was?” Logan quirked an eyebrow at her, amused.

“Okay, I might still be a little upset.”

“A little?” He cracked his lips into a wide grin, purposefully provoking her. She reached across the table and pushed his shoulder. “Hey now, you’re just proving my point.”

“Well I mean, come on! Like I don’t have a thousand other things to worry about. And this little punk just wastes my time for no reason?”

His laugh was full now. I can’t believe Veronica, queen of ferreting out secrets, doesn’t know what’s going on here.

“What?” Her eyebrows furrowed, and her lips tipped down at the ends which only made Logan laugh harder. “What?” She insisted more emphatically.

“You really don’t know why he wanted you to ‘solve a case’ for him?” He emphasized with air quotes.

“He’s a ridiculous time waster?”

“Not even close.”

“His purpose in life is to irritate me?”

“Getting closer.”

“He’s a terrible gremlin the ghosts of my haunted past sent to torture me, so I can never find peace or true happiness in my life?”

“Somehow both closer and farther away,” Logan snickered.

Veronica linked her fingers and rested her chin on her hands. “Okay, I give. Explain it to me.”

“Someone,” Logan leaned in, conspiratorially, “has a crush.”

“What?” She shot straight up. “No way.” He nodded, smiling wide. “Come on, he’s like… a baby.”

“Babies can have crushes,” he countered.

“They cannot!”

“Babies that kid’s age can. I was ages younger than him when I got my first crush.”

“Oh my god, you’re the worst.” She dropped her head to her hands.

“What? It’s not my fault he got a crush. Really, you only have yourself to blame.”

“Excuse me?”

“I said you should blame yourself.”

“Why? What did I do?”

Logan gestured towards her. “All that! You can’t prance around in miniskirts, combat boots, and ‘fight me’ written all over your face and be surprised when you start getting fanboys.” He crossed his arms, giving her a pointed look. “You know how guys are with female superheroes. There is no part of your ensemble that doesn’t say ‘I’m tough, be terrified of me’, and that is always incredibly hot.”

Logan realized what he said when Veronica stared at him, eyes wide. A memory of their last Homecoming flashed through his mind. He rubbed the back of his neck, anxiety fluttering through him. I bet that look means she remembers, too. I don’t think our friendship is quite ready for that kind of admission.

“What I mean is, kids like him always find that look hot,” he backtracked. “You know, the guys who have comic book fueled fantasies about what women should be?”

She hadn’t stopped staring. Fuck. Ten minutes in and I already ruined it. He stabbed awkwardly at the pancakes, giving himself somewhere to look that wasn’t Veronica’s obviously unhappy face. Gotta fix this… fuck. He glanced up, noticing she was chewing slowly on another bite. Avoidance and distraction… I can work with that. Cutting out his own bite, he searched for some way to get back to their previous banter.

“If he had a crush,” Veronica broke the silence, “why would he send me after his dead dad?” Thank god. She’s letting it slide. “I mean, he knows my dad is a PI. He knows I work with him. Did he just assume I’m terrible at my job and would never find out?”

Logan refocused on her, studying her face to gauge her motivation. She’s legitimately confused. I think she is genuinely asking me my opinion on this. “Well, he probably underestimated you.” Her eyes narrowed, opening her mouth to respond, but he cut her off. “I mean, I’m sure he knew you’d figure it out eventually, but he probably has no idea what actually goes in to detective work. So, in his mind, he gave you an impossible task which would give him lots of time with you. Misguided, but not impossible to understand.”

She crossed her arms, leaning back in the booth. “That’s stupid. It took me less than 24 hours to figure out his dad was dead.”

“Like I said, he completely underestimated you.”

“Ugh,” Veronica grumbled.

“He’s an idiot.” She raised an eyebrow at him. “Well come on. Obviously, the best way to spend time with you is make some excuse to owe you a meal.”

Veronica scoffed, lips twitching in an almost-smile. “That’s why you gave me a migraine? To spend time with me?”

“Nothing else was working.” Logan made his face as nonchalant as possible, but his stomach was in knots. Dangerous territory. Step carefully. He fidgeted with his fork, dragging a bit of pancake around on his plate. “Maybe drastic, but I was running out of cards to play.”

“You could be a normal person and just have invited me out for pancakes.”

Logan’s mind went blank. I could’ve… what? “Uh,” he cleared his throat, giving himself a moment to regroup. “You know me, Veronica. Normal is predictable, predictable is boring, and boring hurts my carefully crafted image.”

“Oh, I know all about your carefully crafted image.”

Logan frowned. What’s that mean? “You do, huh?” What, exactly, does she think she knows about me?

“I’ve known you since we were twelve, Logan. Of course, I know all about your image.” She propped her elbows on the table, eyes sparkling. Logan scrunched up his face and tilted his head. “You’re a master of misdirection.” Excuse me? “You put on a show, recently it’s been the psychotic jackass show, to keep people from knowing just what a big ol’ teddy bear you are.”

“I am not a teddy bear.”

“Marshmallow?”

“Ugh, definitely not.”

“Hm.” Veronica shifted back, face falling. What’s that about? “So, what are you hiding then?”

“A fragile heart?”

“Come on, Logan. Be serious a second.”

I was… “I’ll tell you what.” He crooked his finger, leaning in. Veronica matched his pose. “I’ll trade you a secret for a secret. I’ll tell you what I’m hiding if you promise me a truth in return.”

Veronica’s eyes narrowed, and she poked a bit at the remains of her pancake. After a moment, she scrunched up her nose and let out a deep breath.

“Fine, okay.” Logan rubbed his hands together, face mischievous. “Don’t get too excited. I’ve got a condition.”

“Of course, you do.” His eyes hadn’t lost their twinkle. “Condition away.”

“I get veto power over the truth.”

“Total veto power doesn’t seem fair. How about you get one veto?”

“No way. You’ll just waste a question and ask me something worse next.”

“Fair,” he conceded. “How about this: I give you three options and you pick one of the three?”

“What if I don’t like any of the questions?”

“Well maybe I don’t like yours, but I said I’d answer it. It’s about trust. And, you know, just a touch bit of emotional distress.”

Veronica laughed, light and easy. Okay, maybe she’s on board.

“Okay, Logan. Three questions and I’ll pick one of them.”

“Okay, give me a minute. I’ve got to make all three good ones. ‘What are you hiding’ level good.”

“Take your time,” Veronica said with a wink.

I’ve got a chance to get real answers. He tapped his fork against his plate, deliberating. She won’t answer any questions about getting beat up, but I could use that as a throw away question potentially. I could ask her about why she keeps going all hot-cold on me; she might actually answer that one. Depending on what it is. Veronica was staring at him expectantly. Gotta think of something good. Okay, three questions. What happened the night she called me… oh! I could ask how her date went! Not too serious, but I could get her perspective on Troy. So, question two about the date. And question three… about her going hot-cold, or about Weevil maybe? She seemed pretty against telling me anything about Weevil before...

“Okay, Veronica. Here’s the three questions: What happened the night you called me?” She physically flinched back away from him. Not totally unexpected, but that seems a little extreme. “Question two: How was your date yesterday? Or, question three, why do you keep going from super friendly and open to avoiding even looking at me?”

“Should’ve known you wouldn’t go easy on me.” Veronica rubbed her temples, giving Logan a sheepish smile. “Alright, you tell me your thing and I’ll have figured out which question I’m answering.”

“But you will answer one?”

“I said I would, didn’t I?” She frowned at him.

“Alright, alright. Sorry. What am I answering? Oh, right. What am I hiding.” How honest do I want to get here? He took a breath and started from the beginning. “My dad… has never been particularly loving. And emotions, or caring, never seemed to help anything. Sometimes made it worse, actually. I learned pretty early on not to show my hand. And then, with Lilly…” Logan picked at the edge of the table, stumbling a bit over how to proceed.

“I… god, I loved her. But you know how she was: full of life but never one to get too attached.” He tapped his fist on the table, glancing up at Veronica. Her eyes were soft and wide, and she leaned toward him with her arms half extended across the table. “Honestly, you and Duncan were the only ones who ever seemed to want more than the Logan Echolls TV personality. To answer your question, I guess what I’m hiding is myself. … Good enough?”

“Uh,” Veronica cleared her throat, tapping her hands on the table and tilting back. “Yeah, Logan. That was… more than I expected.”

“Your turn.”

“Uhm, yeah. So. All your questions were terrible, and you’ve really put me on the spot by being ridiculously honest.” Her eyes flit around the room, fidgeting with her fingers. She interlocked and released them, biting her lip and rocking her head back and forth for a moment. “It’s only fair I do the same, so… I was working on a case and the people I was tailing noticed me.”

What? Is she telling me about that night? God, what happened on her date??

“They, uhm, noticed me taking pictures…” her voice was soft. “So,” she sighed. “I tried to drive away but… but my car wouldn’t start. One of the guys, he, uh,” she cleared her throat again. “He broke my window. I hit him with my tazer and got out the other side of my car. Ran down an alley and hid.” Logan clenched his fists under the table, jaw tightening. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. “I, I thought… well I tried to call Weevil to come help me, but… one of the guys found me…” God, I don’t want to hear this. “He, uhm, well… He… so he grabbed me, and I tried to get away and…” I don’t want to hear this, god. Fuck. “Well, you know.”

Logan took steadying breaths, grinding his teeth. I asked. And she told me. I’ve got to calm down. He rubbed his hands on his thighs and willed his heartbeat to slow. Veronica was popping her mouth open and closed, so Logan focused on himself to give her time to form her thoughts. She’s fine. Veronica is fine; it’s over. The thumping of his pulse quieted, and Veronica spoke again.

“They, god I haven’t told anyone this… uhm. The guy who… did this,” she gestured to her face, “he, uh, he knew my name. …And he stole my camera! God, that’s going to cost so much to replace.” She crossed her arms on the table and dropped her head.

“Oh, I knew that. I heard him.” Logan latched to the first bit of the conversation that he’s already had time to process, and therefore didn’t send his blood boiling.

“I forgot I called you.” She lifted her head again. “Must have done it when I tried to call Weevil…”

“Why were you calling Weevil?”

She looked at him narrowly, lips tipped up. “That’s an extra question. Does that mean I get another one?”

Logan smiled softly. “If you want.” I’m going to replace her camera. Who would know the best camera for what she needs? Other than Veronica…

“How about we postpone our little truth for truth game for another day?” She shoveled another bite of pancake in her mouth.

“Sure,” he accepted with a chuckle. “If we compromise and do truth or dare next time. It’s way more fun.”

Veronica rolled her eyes. “Yeah, we’ll see.”

*********

Well, this has been almost normal… Veronica reveled in the comfortable silence she and Logan had lapsed into while they finished their breakfasts. I still can’t believe he opened up about Lilly. That was… unexpected. She ran a bite of bacon through some syrup. And he was suspiciously cool about the marks knowing who I am.

“Not to dwell on uncomfortable topics, but you were a lot calmer about… my truth than I expected you to be.”

Logan kept his eyes on his plate, poking his fork around before answering. “I’ve had a few days to… temper my initial reaction. And honestly, I feel better knowing at least a bit about what happened.”

“If we’re being all honest today, it actually was kind of nice to talk to someone about it.”

“Oh.” He gave her a puzzled look. “I assumed you did talk to someone. Like the police, or your dad… or your new BFF…” he drew out the letters in bff longer than necessary, lacing them with sarcasm.

Veronica frowned at his bitter tone, folding her arms across her chest. “I told everyone everything I needed to.”

“Oh, really?”

“Now I’m regretting telling you anything.”

“Look,” he gritted through his teeth. Then he exhaled long and splayed his fingers on the table. “Look. You don’t need to get defensive and sarcastic. I’m not going to go around spilling your secrets.” Drumming his fingers on the table, he looked up piercingly. “But I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t bother me. From what I can tell, you know exactly who did that to you and you’ve elected to let them get away with it. That’s a problem for me. It’s your choice to make, but it shouldn’t be surprising I’m unhappy with letting the guys who’ve already shown they don’t care if they hurt you run around unchecked.”

He has no right to say any of this. No interest other than torturing me for a year, and now all the sudden he gets to pass judgement on my life? I don’t think so. She turned her face away, not even in the mood for pancakes anymore.

“It’s not your problem, Logan. You’ve got no right to an opinion on the subject.”

“So, we aren’t friends, then?”

“I don’t know what we are!” Veronica lost her temper. “I think I’d like to go home, now.”

A soft growl from Logan caused her to look up. He was scowling at her, hands balled into fists. What new insult is he arming this time? She waited, gritting her teeth against every insult with which she wanted to preemptively strike.

“If you want to go, Veronica, I’ll take you.” She did not expect his soft tone. All her prepared darts fell from her mind. When did Logan get reasonable? “But I think we are friends. Or at least I’m trying to be. So, I guess the rest is up to you.” He looked at her, fidgeting with the ends of his sleeves. “Let me know.”

God, what do I want to do? I can’t believe I even agreed to come… She dropped her head to the table, groaning.

“Well that’s encouraging.”

“No comments from the peanut gallery,” she shot back. Peaking up at him, he gave her a small smile. “Okay. Okay, I want to be your friend, Logan. I do. But, god I don’t know. It’s hard. And, I’m, just not… I don’t know what all I have to give right now.”

“You don’t have to give me anything. God, Veronica. I don’t want anything from you.” His volume was steadily increasing. “I know that might be hard to believe. But I really just want to be friends.” He took a deep breath, releasing it slowly. His next words were much softer in tone. “I just want to be there for you, in any way you’ll let me.”

“I… I don’t really know how to do that… anymore.”

“Well, we used to be friends…”

“Yeah, a long time ago…”

“It wasn’t that long ago.”

“Long enough…”

“Well, maybe, we can try being friends like we used to be?”

“We aren’t those people anymore.”

“Then we start new.”

“Don’t you think we have too much history for that?”

“No, I don’t.”

Veronica was surprised by his vehement response. We don’t have too much history? Really? Disbelief froze any response she may have made in her throat.

“Don’t get me wrong,” he continued. “We have loads of history. But I don’t think it’s too much. It’s only too much if we let it be, ya know? It’s up to us, the both of us, to decide if we can make it work.” He sounds so sure. Like people are ever so simple. “However we decide, if we decide, it’s possible.”

“When did you become an optimist?”

“Maybe you’ve inspired me.”

“Can you be serious for like, a second here?”

“I am. I’m a textbook pessimist, but for this… for you… I want to be an optimist.”

Veronica was not comfortable with the butterflies taking flight in her stomach. He’s talking about a friend relationship, Veronica. Chill out. Belatedly, she remembered the pancakes sitting in front of her. She poked at the congealing mess for a distraction. Can I do friendship? What do I want, if not friendship? Definitely not a relationship, right? Wrong. Definitely a relationship. But that’s crazy. So, friendship. I can do friendship.

“Yeah, alight. Friends. Whatever that means for us.”

Logan cracked a wide grin. “Okay then, friend: I have a conundrum. You up for it?”

“A conundrum?” She tapped her fingertips together. “My bread and butter. Let’s hear it.”

“I had a weird run in with Duncan…”

Duncan? Her stomach clenched at the mentioning of her first love. Logan was obviously trying to gauge her reaction, so she hardened her face neutral. Why would he come to me about Duncan? He’ll have better insight there than I will… Apparently assured of Veronica’s willingness to hear him out, Logan continued.

“He’s been… different since Lilly. Almost empty, ya know? Vacant. But recently he’s gotten a bit of his old self back. Less like a zombie.”

Veronica nodded. She’d seen Duncan joking and laughing in the last two days; and Logan was right, it was an improvement.

“So, he’d doing better, right? But then the other day he has something like a panic attack. I can’t get through to him and he just runs from the room, all pale and clammy. It wouldn’t be too concerning, but I saw him do something similar after he… uhm… after he…” He cleared his throat, eyes darting around.

“Logan, whatever it is just say it.”

“…yeah. Well, it was after he broke up with you.”

“Ah.” Veronica tipped the corner of mouth down. “Well you would know more about that than I would. My interactions with Duncan have been limited to my thinking we were a couple and him ignoring me until I got the message that we weren’t.”

“If I knew what was up with that, I would have told you when it happened.”

“Yeah, it’s fine. Been long enough for me to get over it, so whatever. I’m sure you didn’t bring this up to rehash my issues of the heart.”

“Ah, no. Yeah, I was hoping you could help me make sure he’s okay.”

“You want me to… what?” She was confused. Why does he need my help with this? “Like, I get what you’re asking, but he actually talks to you. So… what exactly do you think I’m going to be able to do?”

“Whatever his issue is, he won’t talk to me about it. You think I haven’t tried? I’m hoping you can do… whatever it is you do and see if you can find something.”

“What’ll that do? You think knowing is going to help you? Or him? That hasn’t been my experience. People think they want to know, but they never actually do.”

“Don’t you want to know?”

Damn him knowing too much about my personal, private life. “I try not to care too much about Duncan.”

“But you do, right? Care?”

Is he really going to make me say it? Fine. “Of course,…” unsure, then more confidently “Of course, I do. You don’t stop caring about someone who used to be important to you.”

“So, will you help me?”

Veronica’s phone chimed, saving her from having to answer immediately. Shit. Weevil. She sent a quick confirmatory message and refocused on her pancakes. Utensils clinking on a plate reminded her Logan asked her a question.

“I’ll help you. If Duncan’s in trouble, I want to help him. So, I’ll see what I can find.”

“Thank you, Veronica. I really appreciate it.”

“Do you have any idea what it is? You don’t think he’s just… upset about Lilly still?”

“I’m not sure he ever processed it, honestly. It could be part of it. But, I don’t know… It’s a gut feeling I guess.”

“I can work with that, I think.”

Okay, Duncan… what’s going on with you? She thought back to when they were dating but couldn’t think of anything which would point to a current problem. He’d always been respectful, pretty vanilla if she was being honest, and nothing stood out as a potential issue. Would you have told me, Lilly? If he had a problem would you have told me? He wouldn’t have… but you should’ve. Maybe this has something to do with why he iced me out. At least I have an excuse to dig now. Considering the best method to find information would be to look at personal, private, and difficult to access medical or psychological records, Veronica hadn’t convinced herself it was worth it before. Now, she had just enough of a reason to get past her hesitation.

“Are you okay, Veronica?”

“Uhm, yeah. Yeah. Just… I guess I have another puzzle now. My mind’s just running through it.” “Oh, god. I didn’t even think about that. This is not a priority, seriously. Take care of yourself. I know you have so much to do.”

“It’s fine. Really. I’ll do what I can.”

“Appreciate it.”

Veronica checked her watch: half an hour. Gotta finish my pancakes. She felt Logan staring at her, so she pulled her gaze from her cold breakfast and raised her eyebrows at him. He finally spoke up.

“You have somewhere you need to be?”

I do not want to have this fight. “Uhm, yeah I’ve got some errands I have to run. I don’t have to go yet, but in the next half hour or so.”

“Yeah, okay.” He almost looks disappointed. “What errands? Anything I can help with? I’ve got nothing else going on…” Does he want to spend time with me, or spy on me?

She tensed up, contemplating the implications of his question, and decided based on the last few days he genuinely wanted to spend time with her. The thought was surprising. He wants to spend time as friends, which sucks because I want… I want what? A slightly hysterical laugh escaped her before she could lock it down. I have to give him some excuse… quickly. She’d been silent and crazy far too long already.

“Uh, sorry, no. Personal stuff, you know?”

He looked crestfallen, swallowing hard. “Of course,” his voice sounded forced. No way he is that disappointed he isn’t running around doing errands with me… “I’m sure there’s a party out there somewhere.”

“You’re…” A jumbled mixture of confusing emotions hit her all at once, stealing the words from her mouth. “You want to go to a party?”

“No. I want to help you with your errands.” He’d rather be with me than at an 09er party? Her heart skipped a beat and she had to slam her lips in a hard line so she didn’t break into a massive grin. “But a party will be somewhere to go that’s not home. So…” he shrugged.

Don’t get excited. He just wants to be friends. Calm down. Veronica tapped the table a moment. Can I really bring him along? Maybe I can adjust my schedule a bit to accommodate an accomplice. “Okay, I could use a sidekick today. If you promise to hold all your questions until our game of truth or dare.”

He held his hand up, “Scouts honor.”

“You aren’t a scout,” she laughed.

“The sentiment still applies. Hold on a minute, I’ll get the check and you can teach me to be your Starsky.”

“Hold your horses, dude. I’ve still got some food left on my plate.”

Logan’s eyes widened. I bet he forgot we even had food left to eat. “Oh, yeah. Right. Sorry.”

She offered a smile, trying to communicate she wasn’t bothered and was mostly joking. Unsure what to say to help him relax, she decided to try for comedy. Reaching across the table, she stole the bite of pancake he was cutting and popped it in her mouth. Logan looked at her, mouth agape. Smiling smugly, she finished off the bite and reached for more.

“Hey!” he protested. “You have a literal plateful right there.”

“Yours taste better.” Veronica shrugged.

Logan pushed his plate to her, snatching hers for himself before she could react. “There,” he said. “Now you can have them all to yourself.”

She was stunned; he had successfully outplayed her. While she wracked her brain for some way to get back at him, she figured she may as well finish the pancakes. They ate in comfortable silence, both trying to maintain some dignity while shoveling the last of the breakfast in their mouths. Veronica’s mind began to wander. How do I keep Weevil and Logan separate? I’ve got to meet with him. He’s got that list for me. Maybe Logan will wait in the car? She immediately dismissed that idea. Logan is not one to stay sidelined. If I bring him with me, he’ll expect to be in 100%. With whatever we do today, at least. As much as she was looking forward to a few extra hours with her new-old friend, not a single part of her was ready to let him in on everything. I don’t even tell my dad everything, and he’s the only one who has earned it. Well, if I won’t be sharing everything I have to decide what I am sharing… and how to make sure only that is on display today.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Logan’s, well MY, plate was emptied of the last of their breakfast.

She realized she’d stopped eating and had been staring at the wall for at least a minute. Rather than responding she folded up and stuffed the last of the pancake into her mouth. Logan scrunched his face at her, obviously frustrated. Snorting at his reaction, Veronica almost choked on the food in her mouth. Logan’s expression went from one of frustration to one of alarm in an instant. He moved to her side of the booth as she reached for her water, but he got to it first and tried to help her drink it. What is he doing? She was still coughing out bits of pancake while fending off Logan’s mothering. God, I’m not a baby. Finally getting the water from him, she gulped some down and stopped her coughing. Belatedly, she realized he was drawing slow circles on her back. She leaned into his touch, enjoying the warmth spreading from his contact. Moving his arm up around her shoulders, Logan snuggled closer to her and laid his head on top of hers.

“You okay?” he whispered softly, voice laced with concern.

“I’m fine,” she sighed into him, enjoying the moment but knowing it wouldn’t last. Friendship cuddling, that’s all this is. Comfort from a friend.

Giving her a squeeze, he shifted away enough to break their contact.

“You ready to go?”

“Yeah.” She coughed the last of the food from her throat. “Yeah, yeah. Let’s go.”

“I’ll get the check.”

Logan waved down their waitress and requested their check.

“That reminds me,” she drew Logan’s attention back to her, “how much does it cost to have breakfast made to order before you even get to the restaurant?”

He chuckled, electing to pay the bill instead of answering. I guess that’s fair. I’ve side-stepped my fair share of questions today. She followed him from the restaurant, contemplating how many favors he had to trade to arrange their breakfast. A girl could get used to this. There weren’t many things Veronica missed about being part of the 09er royalty, but days like this reminded her of the good times. Lilly used her family’s name like an all access pass, and she always brought Veronica along with her. It may not have been the most productive, or fair, but they always came away with a story. I miss you, Lilly. What would you think of this? Logan and I, doing whatever we are doing?

She often wondered if she was betraying Lilly with every spark of feeling she felt for Logan but had thus far been unsuccessful in squelching them. With their history as complicated as it was, Veronica surprised herself with the depth and intensity of what she was beginning to feel. There was no comparison point for her; what she felt with Duncan didn’t come close. She didn’t doubt what she felt for Duncan was real, but it was more of a comfortable closeness than the fire she felt with Logan. Fire? Nice to see I haven’t lost my flair for dramatics…

“Hey.” Logan placed his hand on her shoulder and she realized they made it back to his car. His eyes bore into her, intense and questioning. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Veronica thought back to the last week. Logan had been a constant fixture since she had her… accident, and it had been more than comforting. It’s been… exciting? Maybe? More than anything else it was wonderful, and she didn’t want it to end. I want him here, with me.

It was a startling revelation, and it put her off-kilter as Logan brushed a strand of her hair back behind her ear, hand lingering on her cheek. She felt safe and protected in a way she hadn’t in far too long.

Leaning up, she pressed her lips gently to his for a moment before pulling back and examining his face for a reaction. Surprise was etched in his features, mouth agape.

Oh god. Oh god, oh god. What have I done?

#Veronica Mars #vmars fic #logan x veronica #vmars fanfic

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