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leagueofawesomedudes · 7 years

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Week 5 Preview

LOAD Week 5 Preview

Fellow Germans, welcome to your LOAD Week 5 preview. We’re a quarter of the way through the season and your three time reigning champion has reclaimed his rightful spot at the top of the standings. Bow down peasants. Thinking about winning a fourth straight championship gets me harder than seeing Jared without a shirt on. Dom came into the league swinging and looks like a formidable challenger to take me down, but until someone else reclaims the title I’m going to keep swinging my monster hog around any chance I get. Deal with it. In other news... the Browns are still fucking awful, Chad did anal with a random on Sunday, and Tj said he’s going to quit fantasy after this year. If I remember correctly, I’m pretty sure Tj had similar complaints last year as well about the “fantasy gods” being against him. Sounds to me like a guy that can’t take the heat when the going gets tough. Everyone deals with injuries, so let’s all cue up our tiny violins and shed a few tears for Tony. The Squad is going to be splitting up this weekend with half of us heading back to Homecoming and the other non-fun half staying back in Cleveland to watch the Browns lose to the fucking Jets in person. I really hope we win but jesus fuck last week was brutal. Meanwhile Dom is going rogue and staying in Columbus to try and fuck some female he’s in love with (dude wants to have sex with a girl, what a fag). Alright enough bullshit let’s get into the matchups.

2 Gurleys 1 Cup vs. G-reg 3rd Leg

I’ll go ahead and get my own matchup out of the way first. Bennett congrats on getting your first win two weeks ago, but those may be few and far between the rest of the season, and don’t expect win number two to be coming this week either. Bennett has a lot of confidence in his team now with his savior, Doug Martin, coming back from suspension. I hate to break it to ya pal but he’s not that fucking good. I will admit, his white power duo of Rodgers and Jordy has been paying off in a big way this year, but that’s about all he’s had going for him thus far. I expect that to continue with the Packers playing a weak Cowboys defense that just got wrecked by the Jared Goff and the Rams. I’m sure those two will connect for some major points and even Cooks is bound to go off against Tampa Bay’s league worst pass defense, but those three aren’t going to be enough. My receivers leave a lot to be desired, but my three headed monster at RB should have another huge week to pick up the slack. Bell has a great matchup against the Jags, Hyde gets the Colts who are giving up the most points per game in the league, and Gurley is going up against a Seattle defense that’s giving up 5 yards a carry this season. Last but not least, Famous Jameis is going up against the Patriots defense that has been absolutely shredded by quarterbacks so far, so expect a shootout. Bennett is going to hate seeing that big dumb nig scoring tuddies all over his starting defense. Side note, it also wouldn’t surprise me if Bennett benched Rodgers and started his man crush Mitch this week. Seriously man you should do it, that’s what a real friend would do. This one might be a little closer than I’m making it sound, but I still take the W this week.

2 Gurleys 1 Cup > G-reg 3rd Leg

Hollas Heavy Hitters vs. Ain’t EZ Bein Breesy

Due to the first round of bye weeks there are a few shitty matchups this week and this is one of them. Two early season bottom dwellers are going at it as Holla takes on Solden. If Solden put as much thought and effort into fantasy that he does trying to get laid every single night he might actually be a pretty decent manager. Just kidding Solden, but seriously though if you showed as much enthusiasm for your fantasy lineup as you did last Friday night at Dom’s when you wanted to go out at 9:45 pm and not “stay in all night and not get laid”, you could really make some noise. Holla loses Matty Ice and Freeman to the bye week. Dak is a solid backup but has a mediocre matchup against the Packers. What’s really going to hurt him is not having a respectable RB to plug in this week for Freeman. Paul Perkins and Jeremy Hill are trash options so Holla’s going to need a lot out of Shady in a good matchup against the Bengals to make up for it. On the other side, Solden loses his Brees, Pryor, and Ingram so he’s getting hit harder by this bye week than Janay Rice in an elevator. On the plus side, his receivers all have some pretty decent matchups and Gronk is going up against the worst pass defense in the league. It may come down to whether or not Alex Smith has another big game which would also hurt Holla’s defense on the other side. Also important to remember, Holla is going to be bouncing around in Athens this weekend so there’s a good chance he blacks out and forgets to set his lineup while he’s balls deep in some freshman. This one could really go either way (kind of like all of us on the weekends) but I’m going to give the edge to Holla with the bye week being too much to overcome for Solden’s team.

Hollas Heavy Hitters > Aint EZ Bein’ Breesy

Jon SnOBJs vs. The Brady Bunch

Our own El Presidente finds himself in last place after a two game losing skid, and it hasn’t been pretty. After swindling AB away from Solden to pair with OBJ, it looked like Chad was going to be the team to beat going forward. Needless to say that hasn’t been the case. Chad might be killing one too many brain cells with his excessive Titos intake, because he’s had some trouble getting his lineups right and benching the wrong guys. That being said, Chad is too good of a manager and I think he starts to turn things around this week. *Insert standard “boring Doug joke” here*. QB advantage goes to Doug, Brady is going up against the worst pass defense in the league...no further explanation needed. That particular matchup could get uglier than the blood bath Chad left behind in the room at the Double Tree last year. I’m going to give the WR advantage to Chad. All three of his receivers have plus matchups, especially Randall Cobb against Dallas. Devante Adams is more than likely out this week (fuck me right) so Cobb is going to see more targets against a bad secondary. If AB and OBJ both go off like they should, that’ll give Chad a big cushion. On the other end, Doug gets the advantage at RB with Kareem and Bennett’s favorite color of RB, Christian McCaffrey. I like Chad’s TE matchup with Brate going up against the Pat’s awful pass defense, whereas old man Jason Witten has to go against a Packers D that has shut down opposing TE’s, advantage Chad. This one comes down to the flex position and Bilal Powell coming off a big week going up against our perennial playoff contending Browns makes it an easy choice, Doug wins a close one.

The Brady Bunch > Jon SnOBJs

Crows before Hoes vs. Little Diggs

Pot Stirrin’ Paul faces off against LOAD rookie Dom this week. Paul’s pot stirring tendencies continue to go unchecked as he continuously tries to tear our friendships apart and no one says anything. Ever since he became official with Bean his pot stirring antics have been nonstop, it’s almost as if he doesn’t need us anymore and could care less about the consequences. It’s funny how these two are matching up this week because Dom also knows a thing or two about stirring the pot among a friend group, right Solden? Let’s pull a quick tequila shot and take a look at this matchup. Dom is putting a lot of faith into Mariota playing this week, otherwise he’s going to be scrambling on the free agent market for a QB last minute. It’ll be interesting to see what Dom’s RBs can produce with both Montgomery and Gordon banged up. At full strength Dom’s lineup has the advantage across the board but it looks like this one will be close with the injuries in play. Mike Evans and Larry Fitz have perfect matchups for Paul this week. Paul’s hoping that Watson can continue his hot streak but that may come to an end against the undefeated Chiefs. Paul can make things interesting if Ajayi finally produces this week but Dom has a huge advantage with Kelce and Diggs in the TE and flex spots. This one will be close, but in a phrase he’s all too familiar with, Paul is going to come up a little short.

Little Diggs > Crows before Hoes

*MATCHUP OF THE WEEK*

The Injured Reserve vs. Julio Tones

On paper, this matchup looks to be the most competitive going into the week, earning Matchup of the Week status. More importantly, the two roomies square off in matchup with both hoping to go to 4-1 and remain atop the standings. Earlier in the article I mentioned how Tj has had some injuries to deal with, and to his credit he had a brutal week. Losing Carr for a few weeks and Dalvin for the year would piss anyone off, but I doubt any of us would be pussy enough to want to quit after that. Just kidding Tj, we all know you just want to “enjoy the games” and not have to worry about fantasy. But I think I speak for all of us when I say none of us feel bad for you. You got lucky with the Zeke situation and it was your decision to draft a quarterback that was going to be questionable for the entire season. Moving on, I almost forgot to even mention Cholly. That’s probably because he doesn’t come around very often I sometimes forget he’s even our friend. I’ve seen more of Bennett in the past month and he lives four hours away. But looking at the matchup this is going to be a good one. Tj did a good job plugging in guys in place of Carr, Julio, and Dalvin and has a sneaky nice lineup this week. Casey’s biggest advantage is his receivers, and this one is going to come down to Tj’s running backs. Zeke should have a huge game against the Packers, but unless Blount and White can find the endzone once or twice, it may not be enough. Cholly should get consistent production across the board. With Ertz going up against a stingy Cardinals defense and the lack of production from T.Y. without Luck, I don’t see enough big scores to overcome Cholly’s squad.

The Injured Reserve > Julio Tones

Alright fellas that’s all for this week. Hopefully none of you are too offended and I’m sure none of my picks will be correct but as long as I get the win this week I don’t give a shit. Solden, Tj, Paul, Chad have fun soaking with each other this weekend and bring a few W’s home for the Tribe and Brownies. Dom, good luck with your dream girl, hopefully she lets you eat her ass. I’ll do my best to make sure Holla doesn’t end up in the Hocking River again but I can’t make any promises. Love you all and I’m glad we’re all friends......yes even Doug.

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