#REFLECTION:|| i am the king of sludge mountain

[x2-die]

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[doomedandstoned]

Closer to the End

Depression is my nemesis. Eventually it will kill me.

...if I let it.

By Billy Goate

Art by RusoTsig (@rusotsig)

Life's falling away from me. The visual evidence is all about. Unopened mail builds up at random spots around the room like mini Towers of Babel. Even things that normally give me great delight -- a recently delivered set of vinyl records -- lie undisturbed in their brown cardboard packages. Meanwhile, my email continues to multiply exponentially: 200 unanswered today, 400 tomorrow, 800 on the day after that (for the curious, the tally stands at 2,359 today). The very thought of opening my inbox makes it equivalent to walking out into open traffic, so I avoid it like the plague.

Meals have become simplified these days -- if it can't be eaten out of a package, forget about it. And all those empty wrappers? They, too, join the general disorder, decorating the landscape of my solitary hovel. Eventually, messages from friends and family go unread. Bills go unpaid (even when there are sufficient funds). The yard turns into a veritable jungle of tall grass, weeds, and sprawling bushes. Clothes go unwashed and hygiene is neglected for days at a time. Weekends are spent pouring over regrets about what might have been, brooding about the end of days.

As any doctor will confirm, these are classic symptoms of depression. What they can't tell you is how hopeless hopelessness can feel.

Karl Briullov - The Last Days of Pompeii (detail)

Black Sabbath’s final show in the Pacific Northwest. Usnea's album release party. Saint Vitus reunited with their first singer, Scott Reagers. The return of Sasquatch. Once in a lifetime small venue appearances by international bands, such as Cult of Occult. A rare hometown gig by Yob. Visits from Goya, Primitive Man, and countless others. Ceremony of Sludge. Even events with the Doomed & Stoned's own name stamped on them. All of these are things I've missed out on in the past year or two because of depression.

It's not that I was too down to even consider going. On the contrary, I was actively planning to go. I RSVP'd, bought tickets, and even checked out the camera equipment to film the shows. In most cases, I'd gotten dressed and readied, even told people to expect me, but for one reason or another I fell under the unyielding grip of depression and came up with an excuse for why I couldn't go. Then one day I just got tired of making excuses and stopped going out altogether.

In one case, I was halfway down the road on a two-hour trip to see Saint Vitus and Witch Mountain perform at Star Theater, when suddenly a wave of grief washed over me from head to spine. As soon as I spotted the nearest overpass, I exited, turned around, and returned home. Even shows I knew would be cathartic (Bell Witch playing their titular Mirror Reaper at a local watering hole) just couldn't cause me to drive a couple miles down the road. The few times I managed to go out, it was because I absolutely forced myself. I practically fought with my inner man all the way there, too -- teeth clenched, hands tightly gripping the wheel, rehearsing in my mind a myriad of reasons why I should just turn back and stay home.

For me, Alice in Chains captures the frustration perfectly in "Excuses":

Everyday it's something Hits me all so cold

Find me sittin' by myself No excuses, then I know

Depression has robbed me of so much. I've missed opportunities to collaborate with musicians and artists because of it. I've pushed away friends and family, until contact between us has become more and more scarce. I've even stopped celebrating my birthday. I have become a shadow of a man.

What's worse, there's been a new development: anhedonia. I remember only casually looking up the meaning of that word when reviewing Undersmile's album by the same name. Anhedonia basically means that you stop finding pleasure in life. As I browse through my friend's timelines, I find it difficult to relate to their happiness. I think quite often of the emptiness of it all, of being alone and growing older, and the ultimate futility of human pursuits. I often feel more of an observer than an actor in the great drama of life.

As you read all of this, bear in mind that I've managed to hold down a steady, full-time job for decades, right up to the present day. You see, some cope by drinking, others by eating, and others still chase the fleeting high of romantic love, but I found my copacetic in work (as absurd as that might sound). I’ve damn near worked myself to death over the past couple years, too, taking precious few "mental health days" or vacation. At one point, I stopped accruing paid time off, because I'd reached my limit and my boss had no choice but to mandate that I take two days off per month. Can you imagine? I’d been known to come into work on the weekend, rather than spend it alone with my thoughts. At least at work, I can stay distracted with something I feel makes some kind of difference.

I can't feel my life Makes me want to cry How bad i feel inside Like I wanna die

Destination unknown Wreckage in tow Depression grows I have no home

Lately, all I've wanted to do on the weekends is sleep. When I'm at work, I'm fine. I'm in the zone. I have purpose. Things make sense. I'm needed. When I'm home, I always have a list of to-dos, but no matter how busy I try to make myself, I find myself suffering with a lonely, aching feeling. It hurts to be alive. That's the only way I can describe it. So I go to sleep early -- and sleep and sleep and sleep -- without so much as the aid of melatonin. All I want to do is go to sleep and forget and wake up the next day and start fresh, hoping all of the oppressive feelings of darkness have left me. I'll sleep 9 hours, 10 hours, 12 hours is not unheard of, then curse when the alarm wakes me up to face the day. I haven't slept so much since I was a teenager.

At least some of my depression seems linked with sunlight. While the sun is out, I'm mostly okay. When I'm taking my meds, I feel possessed with purpose and I'm busy chipping away at a dozen assorted projects, networking with bands, record labels, and PR reps around the globe, auditing new records, editing submissions from my team, and occasionally summoning enough nerve to write an album review of my own. But when the sun sets and darkness takes hold, bathing the landscape in its sinister shadows, everything changes.

In the heart of winter, there is an existential dread that overtakes me when the sun sets. It's almost primitive. There seems to be no rational basis for feeling this way, unless we factor in some kind of code passed along in the evolutionary programming of the reptilian brain over the millennia. You know, that thing responsible for our fight or flight response -- the urge to either take a swing or get the hell out of Dodge.

Loneliness is not a phase Field of pain is where I graze

Saw my reflection and cried So little hope that I died

That cryptic note of horror hints at what happens when our coping mechanisms stop working for us. For me, it was burnout. I worked and worked and worked, and then I came home and did Doomed & Stoned in the evenings and weekends until I inevitably reached a point of absolute and total system overload.

We've seen a spate of deaths in recent years in the heavy music world stemming from depression. It seems to be the creative person's curse. Chris Cornell of Soundgarden. Linda Nygren of the Wounded Kings. Dozens more artist deaths are listed as "N/A" in Metal Archives, but you always wonder. Even an accidental drug overdose can owe its underlying cause to depression. Often it's hard to untangle addiction from the need to escape acute emotional pain.

Though it is tempting to buy into conspiracy theories linking suicide to pharmaceuticals, chemtrails, fluoride in the water, gangstalking, and covert government ops, it's important to recognize that suicide is nothing unique to our life and times. Narrowing the focus more specifically to musicians and other artistic types, we've had many historic instances of depression. Think Beethoven, Franz Liszt, and Tchaikovsky -- three people who pioneered much of the musical language that doom metal utilizes for expression. Each experienced prolonged periods of melancholia for various reasons, from physical malady and loss-fueled grief to unrequited love and the utter rejection of society. Arguably, Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky died at his own hand.

Perhaps it won't surprise you that many of us who have an affinity for doom metal (though certainly not all) are also at risk for suicide. A recently published study by the University of Manchester found a correlation, though not a causal link, between members of "alternative subcultures" and "the risk of self-harm and suicide." There was no definite conclusion drawn from the piece, other than to point out that a problem exists (no kidding) and that more long-term studies are needed.

I've got a notion as to why heavy music draws the heavy-laden: misery loves company. We're drawn to the mysteriously compelling ability that doom has to commiserate with our feelings, from lyrics that deal so honestly with sadness to the solace of sharing a joint with those who are on a similar path.

But sometimes depression is so severe that you don't want to go out on the weekends at all, not even for your favorite band. Before I get too deep into my own story and how I'm treating my depression, some of you may wonder why I am writing this piece and have decided to share it publicly. I can assure you, I have nothing to gain from this. I'm not crying out for help (I'm too stubborn to ask for it when needed, anyway) and I'm certainly not trying to sell you on anything.

To be truthful, I've been chipping away at this piece (currently standing at 53,726 characters) for two years. I revisit it when the depression hurts the most. It acts as a kind of release valve for me and since that's at least providing some relief, I'll keep scribbling words upon this page. So before you leave thinking this was all just a self-indulgent slab of depression porn, stay tuned. There really is more to the story, including some valuable insights I'm learning about dealing constructively with my depression and its underlying causes -- physical and psychological.

To be continued...

  ★ Read Part II

  ☆ Read Part III

Here I sit writing on the paper Trying to think of words you can't ignore

See the cycle I've waited for It ain't like that anymore

[patricksilvrrozartistry]

Top 10 Favorite Albums of 2018

It's time to present you guys with my top 10 favorite albums of 2018. There were a lot of amazing albums this year, but these 10 stole my heart. If you want to see my top 5 favorite EP's of the year, you can check out that post here. And just like on that post, we're going to see the honorable mentions first before we dive into the top 10. Let me explain my ranking system before we dive into this first though. If a release is followed by **, that means that I really enjoyed the album, but it wasn't enough to make it to the top 10. Now if a release is followed by ***, that means it had the potential of being on the top 10 and was an amazing release. One last thing before we get into this: I am a metalhead, so majority of the albums are metal albums (which I have the genres listed next to each release so you'll get to see that first hand). Ok, time to get on with it and look at the MANY honorable mentions.

Hell City - Flesh and Bones** (hard rock) Dimmu Borgir - Eonian** (symphonic black metal) Kamelot - The Shadow Theory** (symphonic power metal) Visions of Atlantis - The Deep and the Dark** (symphonic power metal) The Atlas Moth - Coma Noir** (sludge/stoner metal) CupcakKe - Ephorize** (rap/hip hop) Purest of Pain - Solipsis** (death metal) Fairy Bones - 0% Fun** (punk/alternative rock) Orphaned Land - Unsung Prophets and Dead Messiahs** (oriental symphonic metal) Elephants in Paradise - Wake Up** (hard rock) Anna von Hausswolff - Dead Magic** (dark ambient) Chaostar - The Undivided Light** (classical/dark ambient) Profane Burial - The Rosewater Park Legend** (symphonic black metal) Shadowrise - Shadowrise** (symphonic metal) Miss FD - Transcendence** (industrial) Collibus - Trusting the Illusion** (djent/progressive metal) Alexandra Martin - Fragments and Reflections** (classical) Caliban - Elements** (djent/metalcore) Whyzdom - As Time Turns to Dust** (symphonic metal) Lyria - Immersion** (symphonic metal) Graveshadow - Ambition's Price** (symphonic metal) Temperance - Of Jupiter and Moons** (symphonic power metal) Light Among Shadows - Under the Waves** (gothic metal) Emphasis - Soul Transfer** (progressive symphonic metal) Neophobia - Monstermind** (symphonic metal) Caligatum - Epidemus** (symphonic gothic metal) Apparition - The Awakening** (symphonic metal) Caedeous - Domini Tenebrarum** (symphonic black metal) Amorphis - Queen of Time** (melodic metal) Little Dead Bertha - Age of Silence** (blackened symphonic death metal) Midnattsol - The Aftermath** (symphonic metal) 11th Dimension - Paramnesia** (progressive metal) Witch Moutain - Witch Mountain** (doom metal) Inner Core - Soultalker** (symphonic metal) Lovelorn Dolls - Darker Ages** (gothic rock/metal) A Sound of Thunder - It Was Metal** (heavy metal) Sinistro - Sangue Cassia** (post metal) Meden Agan - Catharsis** (symphonic metal) Phosphenes - Find Us Where We're Hiding** (ambient/post rock) 69 Chambers - Machine** (progressive metal) Aeternitas - Tales of the Grotesque** (symphonic gothic metal) Florence + the Machine - High as Hope** (indie pop) Distorted Harmony - A Way Out** (progressive metal) Exlibris - Inertia** (power metal) Sacrificed - Enraged** (hard rock) Frozen Crown - The Fallen King** (symphonic power metal) Manes - Slow Motion Death Sequence** (dark alternative metal) Ängie - Suicidal Since 1995** (trap hop) Cinnamun Beloved - Stain** (gothic metal) Opera Queen - Phantasmagoric Symphony** (symphonic metal) Beyond the Black - Heart of the Hurricane** (symphonic power metal) Black Mirrors - Look into the Black Mirror** (psychedelic rock/rock n roll) Ethernity - The Human Race Extinction** (progressive metal) Cher - Dancing Queen** (pop) Zahna - Red for War** (alternative metal) Sick N' Beautiful - Element of Sex** (heavy metal) Mother Feather - Constellation Baby** (punk) Sylvaine - Atoms Aligned, Coming Undone** (shoegaze/post metal) Promethee - Convalescence** (progressive metal/metalcore) Dark Sarah - The Golden Moth** (symphonic power metal) Haken - Vector** (progressive metal) And Then She Came - Kaosystematiq** (alternative metal) Shadygrove - In the Heart of Scarlet Wood** (folk) My Merry Machine - Ignition** (gothic rock) I:Scintilla - Swayed** (industrial) Northward - Northward** (hard rock) In the Woods... - Cease the Day** (progressive doom metal) Décembre Noir - Autumn Kings** (doom death metal)

MaYaN - Dhyana*** (symphonic death metal) Amaranthe - Helix*** (modern metal) Rivers of Nihil - Where Owls Know My Name*** (progressive death metal) Ionnalee - Everyone Afraid to be Forgotten*** (synth-pop) Sanguine Glacialis - Hadopelagic*** (progressive gothic death metal) Realm of Glass - Reveries From the Haunted*** (progressive metal) Eleine - Until the End*** (symphonic gothic metal) TesseracT - Sonder*** (djent/atmospheric progressive metal) Kobra and the Lotus - Prevail II*** (heavy metal) Follow the Cipher - Follow the Cipher*** (power metal) Pryapsime - Epic Loon*** (avant-garde metal) Crownless - Confines of Silence*** (symphonic power metal) Trillium - Tectonic*** (symphonic power metal) Purple Nail - Red Sky*** (gothic metal) Dol Ammad - Cosmic Gods: Episode II - Astroatlas*** (progressive symphonic metal) Elyose - Reconnxion*** (symphonic modern metal) Dimilight - Kingdom of Horrors*** (symphonic extreme gothic metal) Piqaia - Artifact*** (djent/atmospheric progressive metal) Sirenia - Arcane Astral Aeons*** (symphonic gothic metal) Poppy - Am I a Girl?*** (experimental pop) Meg Myers - Take Me to the Disco*** (alternative) Solborn - Dark Lights of Delirium*** (symphonic metal) Enemy Inside - Phoenix*** (hard rock/metal) The Anix - Shadow_Movement*** (synth-rock) Circus of Fools - Rex*** (gothic metal) Marcela Bovio - Through Your Eyes*** (chamber prog) Circles - The Last One*** (djent/progressive metal) Voices From the Fuselage - Odyssey: The Founder of Dreams*** (djent/ambient/progressive metal) Aeonian Sorrow - Into the Eternity a Moment We Are*** (atmospheric gothic doom metal)

Now for my absolute favorite releases of the year!

10. Phantom Elite - Wasteland (symphonic metal)

If you enjoyed Marina La Torraca in Exit Eden, then you'll be able to get a different feel for her voice on this album. This is her main project outside of Exit Eden and their sound is so cool. The mixing could've been a bit better, but that doesn't bother me too much. In fact it gives it some extra character. I'm really excited to hear what these guys come up with next. This album really took me by surprise to just how good it turned out to be and how dramatic it got at times.

Favorite songs: 1. Revelation 2. Wasteland 3. Siren's Call

9. My Indigo - My Indigo (indie pop)

When I found out that Sharon den Adel (Within Temptation) was going to be releasing a solo album, I was really curious about what kind of sound she'd go for. I couldn't have imagined a better sound for her. Not a single dud on this album. It's so lovely and a breath of fresh air for her. You get a really great feel for her vocal range and there's some pretty cool vocal lines on here. Definitely a beautiful and touching album from start to finish.

Favorite songs: 1. Starcrossed Lovers 2. Out of the Darkness 3. Lesson Learned

8. Marmozets - Knowing What You Know Now (alternative rock)

I don't remember ever subscribing to their YouTube channel, but I'm so glad I did, because I found one of my top 10 favorite albums of the year because of it. Their sound is so in your face and on the verge of being alternative metal, but it's toned down enough to not be at that level. It definitely works for them. The music is so fun and absolutely wonderful to just jam out to. One of the most random discoveries I've made that I absolutely adore.

Favorite songs: 1. Play 2. Major System Error 3. Habits

7. Dream Ocean - Lost Love Symphony (symphonic metal)

I learned about these guys through a Facebook friend at the beginning of the year and wound up really enjoying them. This album is pure symphonic metal. It's got drama, power, energy, strong riffs, amazing orchestrations, and a mezzo-soprano with a gorgeous voice. I find it kind of funny that Mark Jansen is featured on a track called Never Enough knowing full well that Epica have a song of the same name. I'm definitely am gonna be keeping my eye on these guys.

Favorite songs: 1. Somewhere Untouched 2. The Last Dance 3. Divine Light

6. The Hardkiss - Залізна ластівка (progressive pop/rock)

These guys are evolving so much. This album is definitely a lot more on the rock side, but it still has a bit of that pop element. I'm waiting for them to take the plunge and release a full blown metal album. I think this album is a good first step in that direction. The production gives this album a bit of a sci-fi feel to it that I really like. It's so different compared to their previous releases and really stands out. I also really like how majority of the songs are in Ukrainian. It's always been the other way around for them, so it's a nice change.

Favorite songs: 1. Complicity 2. 00:00 3. Koxaнці

5. Silent Stream of Godless Elegy - Smutnice (folk doom metal)

I really started taking a liking to these guys in the later part of last year after falling madly in love with their song Mokoš, so I knew I had to check out the new album when it dropped. This album turned out to be a lot more pretty than what I was expecting it to be. It's so beautiful and powerful. Every song has its own dynamic to it and not one song sounds similar to the other. And I just adore the folk instruments they use. It really adds to the beauty of the album.

Favorite songs: 1. Malověrná 2. Synečku 3. Za nevěstou

4. Witchcraft - Cinema (progressive gothic metal)

It was so hard to rank this one at number 4, because it's neck and neck with my number 3 pick. This album turned out to be so much better than I had anticipated it being. It's beautiful, raw, and very unique. I love the samplings to other iconic songs on a few tracks (Requiem for a Dream and the themes for Silent Hill and The X Files are the ones I easily picked out). Their sound has evolved so much over the years and I feel as if this is the best of their releases. It shows off everything that is absolutely amazing about this band.

Favorite songs: 1. Реквием 2. Silent Hill 3. На разных планетах

3. Oceans of Slumber - The Banished Heart (progressive doom metal)

Winter was a wonderful album, but holy shit did they outdo themselves with this album. It's a lot darker, a whole lot darker. Cammie's voice also sounds a lot better on this album. I don't know what it is, but seems as if her voice is a lot stronger and has more emotion attached to it on these songs. There also just seems to be a lot more emotion in these songs in general. It's such a stunning album from start to finish. If you wanted Winter to be more doomy and intense, The Banished Heart definitely lives up to that want.

Favorite songs: 1. The Banished Heart 2. No Color, No Light feat. Tom Englund (Evergrey) 3. At Dawn

2. Elvellon - Until Dawn (symphonic metal)

It shouldn't come as any surprise that this album is high up on my list. This was my favorite album of the year for the longest. It's such an amazing symphonic metal album that was definitely worth the wait (in terms of it being released, not in the shipping issues that I ran into with receiving it). These guys are definitely ones to look out for in the symphonic metal scene. Nele's voice just stands out so much compared to the many ladies in the scene. The stories told in each song are absolutely wonderful and the production is everything.

Favorite songs: 1. King of Thieves 2. Fallen into a Dream 3. Shore to Aeon

1. Once - After Earth (symphonic metal)

This is the album that took Until Dawn's place of being my favorite release of the year. I honestly wasn't expecting to love this album as much as I do. This album is so powerful, dramatic, beautiful. It even has a whimsical vibe to it that I absolutely adore. The writing, production, and execution are everything with this album. You get a beautiful feel for Alina's voice on this album and just how talented she is. The orchestrations are turned up a bit high on this album, but it doesn't take away from the experience, but instead compliments it so well. This album is just perfection and I can't wait to see what these guys have in store for us.

Favorite songs: 1. The Sins of Saints 2. Awake 3. The Hour of Eden's Fall

Like I mentioned earlier, there were a lot of amazing releases this year. I can't wait to see what next year has in store for us. I just know it's gonna be a wild one. I hope you all will enjoy these releases as much as I did if you haven't heard them before. What were some of your favorite releases of the year and which ones are you looking forward to next year? I'm always down to check out new music.