#Rant incoming im sorry i apparently needed to vent
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#im so annoyed rn#Rant incoming im sorry i apparently needed to vent#HOW TF I ABSOLUTELY SUCK AT ONE OF MY FAVORITE CLASSES#like i really really find this interesting. i love to study it. i love to do the work sheets (not so much rn bc im failing it miserably)#SO HOW AM I NOT ABLE TO DO A SINGLE PROBLEM!?!?!? like this is getting ridiculous#like.... this is so sad#i actually like this. and tbh in my whole college journey there weren't that many classes i loved like this#idk this really makes me sad to be honest. bc it's one of those classes that i did try#<- it's the class that im retaking bc i failed it last year btw.#like last year i was so fucking depressed and hated my degree sm and this was the first class to make me feel the *joy of learning*TM again#and i failed it#but like miserably#and now im studying it again and im failing the easiest problems... from the first chapter#anyways dw about me - at least this is smth i actually enjoy and i want to know so it's not as painful to study#it just pains me that im naturally good at many stuff and this is not one of that stuff#arghh. gotta go watch a little bit of masterchef and go back to studying ig#aj rambles#<- lol forgot this tag
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#exm//orm//on vent/rant incoming;sorry#fffffUCK. apparently tonight theres a young adult conference/fireside being broadcast so of fucking COURSE my family put it on#and i dkdnt know it was happening i didnt even really remember that today was sunday bc my family didnt wake me up to go to church ssince im#sick so i was just vibing without thinking abt anything but. FUCK.#i was downstairs in the kitchen getting water bc im supposed to be hYdRaTeD and i was just minding my business with my headphones on but#they turned the broadcast on and i could hear the hymns even through my headphones and i just got so fUCking panicky but my mom came in so i#had to act like everything was fine and talk to her like a Normal Person but when she asked oh-so-hopefully if i was going to#stick arohnd and watch the broadcast with the rest of them bc ''i think its going to have some messages that would be really good for you to#hear'' and i just. had to make some excuse i dknt even remember and run back upstairs to get my breathing level again#god. fuck. its been so good being home this time around bc theyre all trying to get my name+pronouns right so i hhavent been NEARLY as#dysphoric as before. like this is the first time in YEARS being home i havent been terribly fucking dysphoric the ENTIRE goddamn time so i#just. didnt really expect to get so fucked up over every tiny little church-related thing#but. FUCK. get me the fuck out of here#since our walls are so thin if i turn my headphones down at all iican hear the speakers and the hymns even through my music and i dont WANT#to hear the shit those old-ass white men and their poor brainwashed Diversity Points have to say abt my life & the livesof those i care abt#its all i can do to fight that judgemental voice in my own goddamn head the rest of the fucking time; i dont need my brain to have any NEW#ammunition for doubting or hating myself; ive already got so fUcking mUch internalized bullshit to unlearn!!#just. FUCK. i hate this goddamn fucking c//ult. i hate having fucking rel//igious tr//auma!! i hate that it gets triggered so FUCKING EASILY#like!! i realised the other day after getting rly fckng panicky for no reason that it was actually triggered by hearing a specific kind of#big-ass open space acoustics/mic echo thing from some old white man's voice echoing in an ooen theatre?!?!?! and like. WHAT THE FUCK. ik#exACTLY wHy but STILL. WHAT THE FUCK. hearing it even when it was COMPLETELY OUTSIDE of ANY sort of religious context still made my ENTIRE#body tense up and start sweating and my stomach dropped. bc i WASBRACING MYSSLF to hear some judgementla/homophobic/transphobic/exclusionary#bullshit. and like??!! thats fucking INSANE. i shouldnt feel like that?? i shouldnt *have to* at least. but i DO. GOD.#just. FUCK. like!! i love when people touch my hair i think its lovely i love it. but if anyone touches my head in the way they do when#giving a blessing or a ''laying on of hands'' then i might have a full-blown panic attack the way i did when my (nevermo) friend#accidentally did and i had to explain it wasnt her fault and idk why that freaked me out so much but holy FUCK#i juts. i want to scream. god. god. GOD. FUCK.#i hate this. i dont know when itll get better -- ik it will eventually since all of this is new -- but. i HATE this. god. i fucking hate it.#my family isnt doing it on purpose!! they dont even know theyre doing it!! but theres no way i can tell them without making it into a huge f#ucking deal bc its so important to them and i qant them to share important things with me but i cant. i CANT share this with them rn. G O D
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personal whiny rant incoming... skip past this this is just a vent session. i feel like no matter what I do im always going to constantly have the pang of realization that i havent and most likely will never be anyones first go to or anyones cloesest. Doesnt this kind of mean Ill never be married? If I cant even be desireable enough to have a single mutual closest friend whom im also closest to my in entire life how am i supposed to be desirable enough for someone to romantically fall in love with me and like me enough to settle down with me out of everyone else. Ive never had a friend come up to me and want to just hang out with me. Ive always been a 2nd 3rd or 4th after thought. Im only desirable in a group, never on my own. No one since about 3rd grade has come up to me going "Hey you wanna do this together?", and even then that fell to shambles as soon as someone else was more appealing. Ive always had to ask. Im here for comic relief, or your out of nowhere shoulder to cry on when its convienent and your numbers 1-10 arent available. Thats all Ive really been successful at. Relationship? Friendship? Human bonding? apparently im a failure at it all. If my personality is so horrendous that no one ever thinks "hey this would be fun to do with her" then how can i even begin hoping someone will think "hey life ad a whole would be fun to do with her". Am i doomed to live and die alone? With a surplus of random memories people have but they forget the name and face? Is that just it? because whats the point then, its just a massive joke.. right? sorry god im such a fucking whiny bitch ignore this shit im just tired of it and needed to rant.
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