#exm//orm//on vent/rant incoming;sorry
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Visit Tumblr Blog
Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.
Last Seen Tumblr Blogs
Fun Fact
In February 2021, Tumblr had 518.6 million blog accounts.
Text
.
#exm//orm//on vent/rant incoming;sorry#fffffUCK. apparently tonight theres a young adult conference/fireside being broadcast so of fucking COURSE my family put it on#and i dkdnt know it was happening i didnt even really remember that today was sunday bc my family didnt wake me up to go to church ssince im#sick so i was just vibing without thinking abt anything but. FUCK.#i was downstairs in the kitchen getting water bc im supposed to be hYdRaTeD and i was just minding my business with my headphones on but#they turned the broadcast on and i could hear the hymns even through my headphones and i just got so fUCking panicky but my mom came in so i#had to act like everything was fine and talk to her like a Normal Person but when she asked oh-so-hopefully if i was going to#stick arohnd and watch the broadcast with the rest of them bc ''i think its going to have some messages that would be really good for you to#hear'' and i just. had to make some excuse i dknt even remember and run back upstairs to get my breathing level again#god. fuck. its been so good being home this time around bc theyre all trying to get my name+pronouns right so i hhavent been NEARLY as#dysphoric as before. like this is the first time in YEARS being home i havent been terribly fucking dysphoric the ENTIRE goddamn time so i#just. didnt really expect to get so fucked up over every tiny little church-related thing#but. FUCK. get me the fuck out of here#since our walls are so thin if i turn my headphones down at all iican hear the speakers and the hymns even through my music and i dont WANT#to hear the shit those old-ass white men and their poor brainwashed Diversity Points have to say abt my life & the livesof those i care abt#its all i can do to fight that judgemental voice in my own goddamn head the rest of the fucking time; i dont need my brain to have any NEW#ammunition for doubting or hating myself; ive already got so fUcking mUch internalized bullshit to unlearn!!#just. FUCK. i hate this goddamn fucking c//ult. i hate having fucking rel//igious tr//auma!! i hate that it gets triggered so FUCKING EASILY#like!! i realised the other day after getting rly fckng panicky for no reason that it was actually triggered by hearing a specific kind of#big-ass open space acoustics/mic echo thing from some old white man's voice echoing in an ooen theatre?!?!?! and like. WHAT THE FUCK. ik#exACTLY wHy but STILL. WHAT THE FUCK. hearing it even when it was COMPLETELY OUTSIDE of ANY sort of religious context still made my ENTIRE#body tense up and start sweating and my stomach dropped. bc i WASBRACING MYSSLF to hear some judgementla/homophobic/transphobic/exclusionary#bullshit. and like??!! thats fucking INSANE. i shouldnt feel like that?? i shouldnt *have to* at least. but i DO. GOD.#just. FUCK. like!! i love when people touch my hair i think its lovely i love it. but if anyone touches my head in the way they do when#giving a blessing or a ''laying on of hands'' then i might have a full-blown panic attack the way i did when my (nevermo) friend#accidentally did and i had to explain it wasnt her fault and idk why that freaked me out so much but holy FUCK#i juts. i want to scream. god. god. GOD. FUCK.#i hate this. i dont know when itll get better -- ik it will eventually since all of this is new -- but. i HATE this. god. i fucking hate it.#my family isnt doing it on purpose!! they dont even know theyre doing it!! but theres no way i can tell them without making it into a huge f#ucking deal bc its so important to them and i qant them to share important things with me but i cant. i CANT share this with them rn. G O D
2 notes
·
View notes