#SO like always if u wanna chat about music or rec me things i'm so here lololol

[bsaka7]

tagged to post my 9 favourite album with commentary by @mathewbaldzal !!!! we r two peas in a pod i think with having a lot to say about some tunes...

in no particular order...

different class (1995) - pulp. this is not my no1 album of all time because i don't have a favorite album of all time, but this album is in part representative of "getting into music" to me. i love 90s britpop, whatever that means for a random american and this is my fav of em all (though i do actually quite rate this is hardcore in pulp's discography). "common people" is one of the songs of ALL TIME. god jarvis's little sing-song sleazyness gets me. really, really, really great classic performance of it at glasto 1995...for some reason "pencil skirt" also always really hits.

home video (2021) - lucy dacus. the newest album on this list by a long shot, but it's had songs in my top5 year end lists since it came out. i've also seen lucy live <3. this album rises above some of the others in similar company (punisher - phoebe bridgers, the boygenius ep, etc) because i never get tired of it. "first time" "hot & heavy" "brando" and "triple dog dare" are nearly always standbys in my listening history. probably gonna be an album-i-listened-to-in-college classic forever...

songs of love and hate (1971) - leonard cohen. maybe none of my favorite leonard cohen songs are on this album, but as a single work, this album stuns me. possibly the most transfixing 44:21 i've ever heard. his lyricism in particular is -- i can't even describe it. the mix with his voice, the sparseness of the instrumentation at time, the harmonies. i'm not a big stories guy but in this, yeah, the songwriting, the stories. i don't think there's another album like this one out there, really.

if you're feeling sinister (1998) - belle & sebastian. the first time i heard this album, i thought i had never heard an album so perfect. i love songs off of it but i nearly always listen to it whole. i love, love, love b&s's early sound (twee, if you will), and stuart murdoch's lyrics really, really shine. this is one of my favorite albums to listen to when i have a headache because it's lovely to just, focus on but not grating at all. i really love "judy and the dream of horses" and "get me away from here i'm dying". really, a beautiful work

rumours (1977) - fleetwood mac. i was sort of scrolling through some of my playlists trying to decide what to put on this list (it's a bit weighted towards stuff that's in rotation now) and i couldn't leave off fleetwood mac (in part to represent the huge part of my music taste that is like. classics 1965-1980). stevie nicks was one of my earlier music obsessions (the OG was the beatles). so many wonderful songs and riffs. i know this was left off the original 12-inch but "silver springs" is one of my favorite songs forever and ever and ever...

nebraska (1982) - bruce springsteen. when it comes down to it, this is my favorite springsteen album. i do think his 1975-1987 run of albums is pretty much perfect but nebraska is a masterpiece in a way that i find hard to express in words. there's a sense of sparseness and distance in this work (in part bc of how it was recorded) that i find so utterly compelling i can't even describe. "nebraska" - especially this 1984 live version - is a perfect song to me. perfect. i also like a lot of the stuff that went into inspiring this album (notably flannery o'connor) and well. where it fits into springsteen's narritivization of his own life (dude was in the dumps).

all killer, no filler (2001) - sum41. this pick is a little bit representative of the era of my life where i basically exclusively listened to pop punk but if songs of love and hate is an album that's perfectly drawn out, this is an album that's perfectly compressed. like, the title is correct. this album is fucking TIGHT. i used to listen to it at a job i hated to make the 30-min intervals go by. and it's got such classics...."fat lip"..."motivation..." of course, "in too deep." SO good.

what did you expect from the vaccines? (2011) - the vaccines. maybe this pick is a tiny bit cheesy but it is a perfect encapsulation of the era of alt rock it came from. which i love. i really like the vaccines, i think they're super fun and i did see them in concert finally and they totally lived up to that. "wetsuit" is again...one of my favorite songs of all time. "if you wanna" is a perpetual banger.

age of consent (1983) - new order. again, an album that deserves to be listened to whole, despite how good "age of consent" hits alone ever single time. sometimes i think i like another new order album more than this, but i don't. sumner's voice just out-of-tune ringing out over that sound, that new order sound, the bass, that post-punk club vibe. they're a band that don't sound like anyone else, and this is the album most indicative of that. wow, every time.

a few narrow misses

boxer (2007) - the national. i didn't get the national until one day i did. "slow show." my god. hello.

very (1993) - pet shop boys. it's too simple to say this is an album about gay love because it's so embedded in it's context but. this is an album with so much love. psb are brilliant.

the execution of all things (2002) - rilo kiley. jenny lewis CALL ME. also like. you know "a better son/daughter". there's more.

a thousand suns (2010) - linkin park. i used to listen to this at 6th grade cross-country practice. first band i ever got into on my own. idk.

this is not only my favorite albums but a pretty decent summation of the broad strokes my overall taste. thank you again for the tag!! i enjoyed doing this a lot :). idk who has done this/on what blogs so if u have PLEASEEEEE send it to me i want to see!! i tag @lfcrobbo @upthebrackets @girlfriendline @odegoob @amandaleveille @thelittlebirdthatkeptsomanywarm @kritischetheologie @bright-and-burning @a-corn-field if any of u want to but no presh!!!

[tylerwritez]

OKAY ANWYAYS its 10:57 p.m. Wednesday June 23

I'm gonna start writing my entry now so that later I'm not too exhausted to actually TALK about stuff.

Yesterday Bee gave me a link to watch Supernatural on my computer so later tonight I probably will.

I'm in class right now, we just had a test on evolution (boring) and I studied some of the book State And Revolution by Lenin (I also took notes) (he's 100 percent correct by the way)

I just had a wonderful discussion with my friend on Instagram XD it was kinda funny. I dont have much else to say Yet. I'm having a coffee and listening to Samaris

I guess that will be my song recommendation for today since I'm listening to it right now XD

Also my parents said yes to letting me go to Jay's house to watch Insidious after school, I just gotta be back for supper! I'm excited abt that... cos he is actually like. The best. So in honour of that or whatever I'm giving yall TWO song recs today... also I dont think I gave one yesterday so here is Jay's fave song XD we gave different taste you'll notice,,, if you pay attention to the stuff I reccomend

Like he listens to old stuff XD he liked this weezer song from my playlist so you get the vibes. WEEZER IS GOOD THO omg thank u K (I'm just gonna call him K) for recommending me weezer! I knew a radiohead fan would give me good music lol.

Actually I talked to K a while ago and told him about how insanely transgender the song Bodysnatchers is and he was like wow so true so I figured I'd tell yall to listen to this if ur trans because like I know everyone's got a #different experience but for me I was like holy Shit this is so trans

Anwyays idk it makes more sense if u listen to the LYRICS.

Please I'm supposed to talk about my DAY now we are onto music oh well I guess it happens sometimes plus I'm bored I hate bio class

Okay so now we have come to the thesis that kinks are contagious wow fun times in the insta chat XD

It's now 4:16 p.m. I'm back from school! Turns out I couldn't go over to Jay's cos he has work :( which made me a bit sad BUT IT'S OKAY! We can always hang out another time you know?

I'm just studying right now for my final exam... TOMMOROW

Update: 8:15 p.m.

I'm out biking. We've mildly vandalized a school, I'll attach images after I remove the exit data... it probably doesnt count as VANDALISM tho like it can easily be washed off.

My sister made some new friends her age and whatnot. Idk, just regular stuff.

Update: 10:43 p.m. I was frustrated while studying because some of the questions are stupid and I'm stupid and I cant remember TWO ENTIRE UNITS so that's fun. I got really upset. Idk.

Also Star is kinda being bitchy. Like, I know shes upset cos I dont give her enoguh attention but like... do YOU give me attention? Like, shes always so mean out of the blue, even if I try to be nice or if I'm BUSY AND NOT IGNROING HER, BUT BUSY... and it puts me off and it makes me not wanna talk to her like what's the point in saying "hey how was ur day?" If shes gonna act like a bitch to me :| I just dont understand like if she wants soemthing she should say it outright and PUT SOME EFFORT in jesus christ.

Sorry. I dont hate her and I'm not mad at her, I'm just fed up! I'm tired!!! Okay??? Am I not allowed to be exhausted sometimes?

Whatever. I mean at least I got to drink monster.

I gotta start dieting again cos I'm gaining weight :( and its upsetting me

Anyways this whole thing with Jay and Star is kinda confusing and dramatic and I'm kinda tired idk. Its MY OWN FAULT but I just want to be able to. Idk. Not hurt anyone. Whatever. It's too late now and it's not really worth trying anymore.

I hope Jay doesn't just totally ditch me when he goes to college... :( I would be so sad... it's a good thing I can spam his number and insta XD

Wish me luck on my final exam. I need it.

And if anyone knows any good ways to avoid cutting myself, TELL ME!!! Because DAMN I really want to go spend all my money on a four dollar knife/steal a knife then SLICE MYSELF UP. SO BAD. jesus.

I think I should just die I'm actually a horrible person.

Update: its 11:22 p.m. and my parents are FUCKING ARGUING AGAIN JESUS CHRIST JUST FUCKING DIVORCE ALREADY. I wish my lil sister didn't have to hear this shit... oh well. I'm already a shitty influence anyways so I guess it doesn't matter.

... have you ever seen your parents CRY? Because I have. And jesus christ it's the actual worst thing ever. Especially if you're young. Especially if it's YOUR fault... Especially if it's over shit you could barely even comprehend because of your age. Money. Shit like that. They LOOK at you with this expression, like a fucking wounded animal. It's the expression of someone just totally fucking defeated. The expression of soemone who is frightened. And its fucking scary, especially when it's your fault.

My mom does this every time she sees I've cut myself again. I hate it. Makes me wanna cut more because STOP IT. she always looks dESTROYED. It's the worst.

Sometimes they argue and fight and shit and they yell at you yell at you Yell at you scare you into submission and fuck having angry parents is terrifying because they're suppsoed to protect you and be understanding and gentle with you, the child, the cattle of the shepard, the egg of the black goat... ESPEICALLY WHEN YOU ARE IN PAIN. Every time you cry they get angrier and angrier, every time you wear what u wanna wear they get angrier and angrier, every time you are ANYTHING OTHER THAN WHAT THEY WISH YOU WERE... they get angry. You start to feel like maybe they dont ACTUALLY love you. There is a disconnect between what you need and what you are given. What you see in media and what you see at home. You start to feel like shit.

Eventually you learn that if you dont want the head of your favourite stuffed animal twisted off or your sisters barbie doll thrown out the window in a moving car or to be verbally insulted or to have them do SCARY things like make moves toward you before they remember they aren't suppsoed to hit you and just punishment that's emotionally fucking damaging all those words that you remember years later but they don't, every time they tell you they wish you were dead.... you gotta be quiet. Shut up. Do as you're told and don't say a fucking WORD. good boy. Upset? Don't tell them. Don't cry in front of them. Say nothing. Maintain the illusion, it'll keep you safe.

Soon enough your entire life is a secret and you need therapy but can't get it and wow, I wonder why I'm like this? I fucking wonder.

They aren't even arguing anymore but I wish they would shut up because I dont wanna hear their voices its making me ANXIOUS...

Sometimes I feel like I never got to develop past a certain point in childhood. Maybe 5, 10, 3, 6, I dont fucking know. Over 2 and under 10. Like my brain is emotionally stuck there and all of my behaviour is stuck there too. Sometimes if shit hurts me in ANY WAY I just sorta allow the bad hurt to happen. I tell myself, endure. Stay quiet, don't say a word. I've trained myself this way and now it's hard to learn to be loud and talk to people and be my own self without being scared. And part of this... is why I appreciate my friends and JAY. Jay, who always makes sure I'm okay. And everyone I know who likes to drop into my messages every once in a while to see how I'm doing... everyone who never forgets about me.

I'm actually so fucking appreciative of all my friends.

I don't know. I just... wish it was easier to sort out my shit but I guess not

Update: it's now 3:09 a.m. and I'm so fucking tired but whatever. I talked to Jay and it's hard to say much because I'm so tired but FUCK I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM JESUS CHRIST IM IN LOVE?!?!?!!! goddamnit it I just wanna be with him constantly...

Also I told him I was worried and he said, with his cute fucking voice, that I shouldnt worry cos he wouldnt just leave me. And. ThaNK YOU JAY. IF YOURE READING THIS, THANK YOU. Sometimes I get this dude's messages and just fucking smile. Hes the best and I love him. His whole self is a thing of beauty that I admire so much hes so charismatic and attractive and CUTE and I always tell him he's overconfident but MAN if i was that guy I'd be such a douchebag from confidence... dont tell him that though, xD like man I'm trying my best but at this point I wouldnt know what to fucking do if he went away. Like I'd cry so much.... I hope he doesnt move on from me too quick.

I'm so. I feel happy. Because I'm looking at everything and I feel so happy I'll cry and so sad I'll laugh. It's like being in a shitty coming of age movie where they play pop punk and the main character has his moment with the hot girl at the school dance or whatever bullshit. I feel like that. But its also like that same main character in his late forties stumbling upon an old photo of him and his highschool girlfriend and killing himself from love.

Here's what I'm listening to now... this plus a bunch of nostlagia inducing songs earlier... I just. Memories. So many. I almsot want to cry. Like. Look at them. Hold them in your hands as if they're these lovely little stones you found on the ground and put in your pockets cos they had cool stripes. Feel their WEIGHT. It's one of those things where it's so happy it's sad. It's so sad its happy. You're laughing and crying all at once and all you want is a hug. Because you can FEEL the human parts of you coming out, seeping out like a styro, starts off white then... blood. Humanity. I am vulnerable and exposed and I leave myself here.

HAN LEID, HAN LEID, HAN LEID,... han varr.

He walked, he walked, he walked,... he became.

I guess I'm still walking. But jesus christ. People affect me so much. So much. These memories, how it was cold or sunset or hot outside or nighttime and dark, how we were there as humans. I'd never be happier than in those little moments but you don't see it until years later. You don't see how important it was until you think of it and cry... fucking hell. Nils, Mark, Gabe, Max, James, Kyle, Liz,, every friend I've ever had. Nothing is better than music and memories because jesus christ I would've loved to have... died.

Died? No. My brain does this thing... I dont mean died. I guess I mean I wouldve liked to be frozen in those moments.

Sometimes I get a similar feeling. It's not the same, but its similar. This thing where you are so happy and grateful and sad because this is a tragedy and wow look. A happy moment in a tragedy. But jesus its happy enough and I want to cry because I really do appreciate the people who's lives cross paths with mine. I cry because I think of every little moment in which I knew that I wasnt alone and every little moment in which I felt their SOUL with mine and every little moment where my heart was touched... even unintentionally and in ways that dont make sense.

There was a girl, I'll call her Jade, I came out to her before anyone else. And sometimes, in the back of my head, I play that moment. In my mind. It was over fucking Skype. But I still felt it.

Oh man... I should proabably tell my coming out story. The story of how I came out to my parents. I was scared. I really was... but I felt like if I couldn't be ME, I couldn't live, or at least I didn't want to.

This was the song I played as I wrote a letter at... around this time actually, 3 or 4 am

I wrote it so spontaneously. I didn't even THKNK. I just wrote it. Because I was tired of crying myself to sleep every night and well... I had camp the next morning. That gave them a solid week or so to think about my letter... that would ensure they would be able to cool off whatever anger it would make them feel.

I wrote on one sheet of sketchbook paper front and back. I tried my best to explain. I tried my best. And that paper is stained with tears and still rests in my moms sock drawer

The whole thing got complicated after that... but in the end it worked out, with a lot of fucking work and persistence on my part.

Soemtimes I hope they look at it and cry themselves like how I did writing it.

Sometimes I just wish things were different. But they're not. I gotta deal with this.

But hey! Hey! We were happy earlier. Because... I dont kNow. I love everyone and I love the planet and i never want anyone to have to be hurt. Okay??? I love. Everyone.

Its hyperbole but still. I just want the best for everyone and I hate when other people are suffering cos it makes me upset. And. I don't know. I feel so... emotional right now. Like right now? I just want to hug everyone. And tell them that I'm here. And that it's okay. Look at me, dude! Look at me. I fucking made it... kinda. You can too! If you're reading this and you feel like shit... pull through. Please. I believe you can. I love you ANF I care about you and if you ever need help, message me.

Whatever I just. I dont know. I feel all like I just want everyone to be happy and at peace.... because I remember SO MUCH and all of it is making me cry a lot because I'm full of love okay? Like. I just care about people. I had to say goodbye to all of them but I don't fucking forget. I NEVER FORGET. It's a curse and... right now? The saddest blessing ever.

I had to say goodbye... yknow, I've never been good at goodbyes. I hope I don't have to say goodbye to Jay for a while. A long time. And when we do... I hope I can listen to his song and think of him and pull out every memory as perfectly as I can for everyone else. I just. I don't know. I see all these people in my mind, in flashes and it all comes flooding back to me. That isnt just a face. That was my friend and now they're gone. That was my friend and now? Not a word from them... that was my best friend and now its awkward. I don't want that anymore.. its painful. All of these people that have forgotten me years ago... who I still remember. Ouch. I dont know. I think I'm being dramatic because tlaking to Jay and being sleep deprived made me all mushy and then I listened to music. So.

Music makes everything feel so much more consuming but I cant live without it.

I dont even know

I'm just happy that I get to experience love.

Even if in the very end I am left alone... even if I'm tormented with memories of a happiness that can only be temporary,,,

I still appreciate it all and I'm full of love and appreciation I'm happy and i want to say THANK YOU to everyone

Signing off at 3:50 a.m,

Jude Shepard