#Sam Golbach c y/n | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jakessbtch · 3 months

Text

☆ party | j.g

masterlist | requests

TW ✿ ° : mentions of drugs/alcohol, swearing, drinking, arguing/angst, mentions of drunken sex, sexual implications.

pairing ✿ ° : johnnie guilbert x plus-sized reader [s/h]

summary of fic ✿ ° : After getting home from a party, where everything went wrong, she brings up an event.

requested by ✿ ° : no-one

word count ✿ ° : 7k

a/n ✿ ° : its finally here! after weeks! x

Parties were probably the worst thing known to mankind. They were so horribly messy, forcing a bunch of horny and carefree young adults, barely over 21, into a 2-bedroom house, with barely any room to walk. Typically, it was so full that the countless people who decided to waste their time and attend, would spill helplessly into the front and backyard, where they’d either find someone vulnerable to grind on or a bush to throw their guts up in. There would be loud rave music, and discarded items of food, just waiting for the unfortunate to slip on, and did I have to add the common issue of no room to breathe? I mean sure, there were a few bare sofas, and dining room chairs in which were free for rest, but they were for the losers who couldn’t speak to other people. For the losers who showed up to the event alone, or had their companions desert them earlier that night, right? right. And that was where I was sat, in the kitchen which was filled with discarded cups, and few people seeking for more alcohol.

Anxiety crippled through my chest as I observed all those around me, laughing, and having fun. There were so many people, and not one face I could recognize. I deemed that this whole night had been a waste. My friends had left me to stand alone in a crowded room, and my best friend, Johnnie, left me to fight against the cruel world of drunken slurs and catcalls I couldn’t prevent. I was so scared, what if someone tried to do something, hurt me, fight me? So many prying and disgusted eyes. No matter where I glanced, someone was watching me, with awkward smiles, and looks that poked at my appearance. My big and foul appearance. This wasn’t my crowd, these weren’t my people, just look at me. I was wearing baggy grey jeans and some jacket I grabbed off the floor, which probably hadn’t been washed in a week. While every other girl I saw, wore skims and crop tops, showing off their little waists, while I tried to hide my big one.

My hand cautiously grabbed a hold of my phone, the grip tight and very much laced with hidden fear. Being on my phone was the best scenario, it would be a silent sign to passers, that I was busy in a text conversation. When I brought up the familiar note’s app, I prayed no one saw the screen. Not only would I be at a party alone, but being so much of a loser that I couldn’t even involve myself with a text interaction? All I could think of in that moment was, if it was somewhat believable. Would someone still want to speak with me? Was I shaking? I was sure I was shaking, but could other people see it? I closed my e/c eyes for a moment, trying to regulate my anxious breaths. The thick scent of weed and cigarettes filled my lungs, still not seemingly putting my mind at rest. Wasn’t that the whole point of smoking and weed? It was all so stupid now, I had always been told to ease up at events, but why not now? Why was it so difficult now that I was sitting by myself?

“You’re sitting alone. Are you alright, y/n?”

I flinched at the sudden voice, someone wanted to speak to me. my eyes instantly flashed up, them laced with all the pent-up fear I had experienced, but for the first time that night, I was relieved. Sam Golbach, someone I barely knew, someone I hardly spoke to. Though, someone to finally accompany me. Sam used to live in the same house as my friend, Jake Webber, who I used to work for at the time, with editing. Jake and I are really close, I thought of him as a brother, which meant that at some point, I’d meet his other friends, Sam, Colby Brock, and Corey Shearer. Jake always took me to small gatherings and social groups the group would shamelessly create on Friday nights. Though, during those late nights, I never stayed long, I never stayed long enough to become close with all his friends. Yet, I did stay long enough to enjoy Sam’s generous company. I offered Sam and gentle smile at his wanted concern, pulling my h/c hair out of my eyes.

“I’m fine Sam, I just want to go home. That’s all.”

Sam nodded gently at my sweet confession, his blue eyes swiftly washing over the multiple sexual interactions displayed by passing people. They had a lot of bravery displaying such intimate actions in front of so many people, in front of so many judgmental eyes like my own. However, Sam’s caring eyes diverted back to me, giving me his sole attention and a reassuring smile. His face was full of concern, and I genuinely felt that he cared for me. It seemed that he understood my fear and discomfort in a way, as if he had been in my unfortunate situation before. Sam’s company kept me grounded, the company of someone I knew made me relax. Friendly, small gatherings gave me the feeling I felt during that moment, as I knew mostly everyone who would attend, though here, it was different. I knew very little people, and I was sure everyone here was in the same boat as me. They didn’t know anyone, which made tonight the perfect ‘one-night stand’ breeding ground. A night to live and forget.

“Here, might help?”

I gently took the time in looking down at Sam’s outstretched hand, a singular red polo cup aimed in my direction, filled with a liquid I could only assume was alcohol. I never really drank at parties, because eventually I’d get too carried away, and I’d do regrettable shit that I’d find out the next day, things that would haunt me. As well as the fact, I never took drinks from other people. I didn’t know what would be in them, I’ve heard plenty of spiking stories in my life. Yet, Sam wasn’t just anyone, everyone I knew trusted him. Jake trusted him, Tara, Jake’s ex, trusted him, and Johnnie did too. They were all smart people, knowing right from wrong, and if Johnnie could trust him, a small piece inside of me claimed that I could as well. My hand graciously accepted his offering, deciding that I should just take a single drink for the night, nothing more. Afterall, I would find myself driving someone, if not all my friends, home.

“Thanks. Enough about me, are you having fun?”

My voice was hoarse as I asked him the question, deciding to divert the conversations away from my wellbeing. Who cared if I was having a rough night? Sam should be focusing on the events of his night. My lips graciously sipped the sour alcohol, the soda it was mixed with bubbling in my stomach. Sam spoke with such ease, despite the loudspeakers that sent shockwaves of sound throughout my body, and likely his own. We spoke about a few things; Colby, Creating Content, and parties. However, the conversation drew out, occupying multiple minutes of our time. How late was it? Should I find Johnnie or Tara? Jake would be drunk so he would be no help. When the plaguing thought of leaving Sam filled my mind, he beat me to the quick goodbye we shared, claiming that he had to find Colby. I was grateful for that, as the red polo cup had been emptied, and I was sick of the constant rave music radiating off the walls.

“Sorry.” “Excuse me.”

Walking through that huge and messy crowd might as well had been the worst decision I could have possibly made. No one cared that I was there, as I was being tossed around like a dog’s used chew toy. Thrown into wooden furniture as if I was nothing. All I wanted to do was turn around and yell at the rude obnoxious assholes who made my search longer, and slightly more painful. As a final resort, to get out of the sweaty and foul crowd, my hands had traced along the wall, trying to find an empty hall, or vacant room, where I could catch a breath. Where I could have a moment alone. While I was searching for the said unoccupied room, and my missing friends, I was quickly starting to tire, still regretting this whole night. I wanted to leave, and sooner than ever, why was it so hard? Suddenly, after what felt like forever, I felt a door slip from underneath my fingers, and I had never been quicker to realize that it was an unlocked room, praying that it was empty.

The minute I was blessed with the muffled music, and the loss of sweaty bodies, I had slammed the white wooden door. The silence accepted me so easily and fondly, and for the first time that night I felt relieved. I turned around with closed and relaxed eyes, not taking note of the pair who were comfortably sat on the sofa, seemingly a while before I got there. Though when a dainty and polite cough reached my aching ears, I practically jumped out of my skin. I had no idea what to expect walking into that room, a blow job, boobs? No, none of those. What I was faced with was a really pretty girl, and the last person I’d expect her with. Johnnie Guilbert. Though I didn’t care about him, what I cared about was how pretty that girl was. She had long dyed pink hair, piercing blue eyes you couldn’t forget. She was so slim as well, the complete opposite of me. when I looked at her, the hatred for myself grew. The hatred for my weight, for my skin, it just seeped into my chest, like venom. I wanted to cry, to throw up, to get rid of this suffocating feeling. I wanted to be the girl Johnnie was so clearly interested in.

A small part of me had been crushed that moment, my heart. Everyone around me knew I liked Johnnie, God, even he probably knew. I was so obvious with my feelings, complimenting him when I could, giggling whenever someone said Johnnie and I looked cute together, but he was so insufferable and awkward to say anything about it. He avoided every question about us, so I took the hint that he hated the thought of a relationship with me. That feeling wasn’t foreign, it happened a lot when you looked like me. Boys gushed about having a ‘bigger girlfriend’, but when they had the chance, they were so quick to shut it down. They didn’t care about us, they cared about a good social image. With that image came feelings, the feeling of hate, and a feeling I felt that johnnie had. I wasn’t over my own opposite feelings, and with Johnnie abandoning me during the first 5 minutes to likely speak to this girl, if felt like a sucker punch to the stomach.

I felt sick looking at the two, the serotonin radiating off of them like a heater, though, I suppressed those gut-wrenching feelings. I had to come to the realization that Johnnie wasn’t the one for me. He was the one for her, her face was red under the dim lights, her smile stretched across the room, and his face reciprocated hers. He was happy with her, and I was happy for him, even if that meant the own destruction of myself. The destruction of my romantic interest, I’d have to destroy it, for him. I waved to the two awkwardly, my e/c eyes cautiously flickering back and forth between the two. Then, silence fell on the three of us, awkwardness. I tried to speak, but nothing came out, why couldn’t I speak? Where was Jake and Tara? I wanted Tara so desperately, I wanted to tell her to drive me home, to get me out of here, to get me home. Johnnie coughed awkwardly when he noticed my trance, and I breathed out, in one shaky break, I whispered.

“I’m going home.”

I had to get out of there, I had to leave the two be. I didn’t realize I was so rude, and I intruded in on something I regretted. Without another word, I left the pair sitting on the white sofa, while I shoved my way back through the messy, carefree crowd. There were no apologies this time, I didn’t care for anyone but myself. I didn’t care about the rude comments about my weight and ignorance, them drowned out by the loud music. Did the music get louder while I was dying emotionally in that room? Was the heater on, why was it warmer? The one thing I knew, was that I needed air. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, there were so many people, so little air. After what felt like forever, I found the front door. When the cool LA air kissed my face, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. The air accepted me openly, putting my nerves at rest, and opening my mind, forgetting the previous events momentarily.

“Hey y/n/n! you alright?”

When the slurred, yet delicate voice was made known to my ears, I immediately knew who it was. Tara, just the person I needed, just the person I wanted. I was going to gush to her about what happened, about how it felt like everything leading to this moment was pointless. I always informed her about my feelings, about everything when it came to relationships. She called it ‘girl-talk’, however, by the tall and giggly man behind her, I held onto my tongue. In such a crowded place, with ears seeking for nothing but drama, someone would tell Johnnie, or that girl. It was all so complicated, and I already had enough of tonight, I didn’t need more. I looked back to the shorter girl, nodding shyly at her generous concern. I wouldn’t tell her about this, sometimes silence would beat the lying, the lying of my wellbeing. Truth was, I wasn’t fine in that moment, though I didn’t have to rudely affect others with my faults.

“I’m going home, tired, are you two driving with someone else?”

Jake started to loudly sing the 2000’s pop-rock song blaring from the confinements in the crowded, messy home, as if he had no care in the world. As if this was his last night alive. My eyes gently down casted to the two, how they seemed to fit right in with this crowd, and the comparison with the fact that I didn’t. I felt so out of place, like a sore thumb. While Tara was one of the most gorgeous women I had ever met, she was the definition of perfect. She looked amazing all the time, wearing cute little outfits, and being so precise with her make up. She was always so confident and kind to her friends and family, she knew how to control her jealousy and all her feelings. And Jake wore skimpy clothes without a worry, wearing crop tops, and styled skinny jeans with fingerless gloves. I envied the both of them, in silence. Tara shrugged nonchalantly, gaining my short attention once more.

“We’ll get someone to drive us, what about Johnnie?”

“What about me?”

I flinched at his sudden introduction, of course he had to appear now, out of all times. Why couldn’t he appear when I was sulking miserably in the kitchen, when I was alone? However, like most times, my bitter attitude was painfully obvious. The sudden distasteful expression I acquired, put Tara off drastically. Her dark brown eyes flickering between the two of us knowingly, as if she somehow knew what had happened minutes before in that room. As if she saw the interaction between the girl, Johnnie and me. When I looked up at Johnnie, I ignored his messy dark hair he hadn’t styled for hours, and the smudged blue eyeshadow spread amongst his eyes. What I did notice was that the girl he was talking to, was now gone. She wasn’t lurking behind him, like a lost dog, she wasn’t at his side. He left her alone like he did me. I bitterly ignored his presence, turning to Tara and clarifying.

“He can come if he wants, but I’m tired. See you two later.”

Biding my goodbyes felt different now, or was that the sinking feeling I had in my stomach? However, besides that uncomfortable feeling, I begged for Tara or Jake to stop me. Yet, with each passing step, and each crunch on the gravel, my hopes drowned out. Though, a new hope sparked, a hope that Johnnie wanted to stay. It was obviously selfish for me to not want him to accompany me, but my night was already ruined, I didn’t need it to get worse. Distracting myself soon occupied my thoughts, my eyes wandering to the various groups of tired people. Their hushed murmurs, and the small giggles that admitted from the social circles, distracted my mind from Johnnie. My hand gripped the car door handle, listening to the bright conversations around me for a few more seconds. Then, I decided it was enough, I decided it was alright for my thoughts to corrupt my mind, and I got into the driver’s seat. The slam of the door never put me at ease, and Johnnie's approaching figure made it worse.

As Johnnie got into the car, and the engine started, my questions started to shamelessly dart around the air. The questions that made grow to hate myself, more and more, with every passing minute. Why did Johnnie leave me to stand there, in a crowd of unknown people, like an idiot? Why did he suddenly become so interested in talking to new people? However, I wasn’t a seeker for the answers I needed, and I remained silent. I continued to ask myself those questions, from the minute I was sitting in that kitchen, to now, driving home in my car. With each passing minute, which felt like hours, the air grew thicker, and my mind ran faster. What were I to do now? How could I get over something so dear to me, how could I get over Johnnie? Did I try dating apps, but who wanted me? Men liked girls who could be picked up, who could wear their clothes as a dress, they didn’t want me. My hands gripped the steering wheel tighter, my stomach dropping lower than my feet.

When watching the bright street signs flash past the moving car, I simply recalled the fact that Johnnie hated parties like me. That’s actually how we came to be friends, best friends. Every single party, every single gathering, we were attached by the hip. Never apart. We were always together, but that didn’t stop the thought, the thought of; what had changed now? Had I not given Johnnie the validation he needed, did he seek that validation from someone else? Why hadn’t I been enough for him? The feeling of insecurity suffocated my chest again, every time I noticed that the feeling was gone, it resurrected stronger. Why was I feeling like this, why was I so defensive over someone who wasn’t even mine to begin with? Johnnie wasn’t my boyfriend. I had to realize that. He had his own life, and I needed to start living mine, and stop worrying about my looks, and my weight, and how I acted. I had to stop being such a push-over.

When the house rolled into view, I was sure to park on the edge of the road. In a safe area in which I knew I wouldn’t have to pay for insurance. I didn’t share a house with Jake and Johnnie, but I did live around 15 minutes away, not far. Though, I was gravely unsure if I’d stay awake the whole drive back, the settling fear of a collision pictured in my mind. I was sure Jake wouldn’t mind me staying, I’d probably sleep in their unused spare room, and at some ungodly hour of the morning, Tara would join me. My eyes drooped as we made our way to the front of the door, the walk remained silent, and chilling. The only thing making noise were our steps echoing around us. Then, before long, I found myself looking at Johnnie, no, admiring him, but no longer with love, with question. I never questioned our relationship, though now, it was the only thing I could possibly think about.

Johnnie took the honors in locking the front door once the two of us were safely situated inside, while I took my time in wandering to the cleansed kitchen. I didn’t notice the darkened man enter after me at first, though he made himself known when he gently pushed his way past me, looking for something dry to eat. It was a recognized habit johnnie had adapted to after parties, after he drank. If he ate dry foods, he wouldn’t throw up, it was smart. While Johnnie searched the pantry, I remained silent. The silence was thick in the air, only growing with each second, in which I was observing his turned figure. How could he just ignore me? Did he not care, or was it rather that I had to say something to him? Did I ask why he left me to wallow in my own social fear? Ask him what type of confidence had overcome him in those meek few hours we had been apart? I dropped the car keys on the marble countertop, an overwhelming sense of unconscious mind coming over myself.

“Why did you leave me Johnnie?”

“What?”

The gentle slam of the cabinet made fear lurch within my stomach, regret climbing its way into my throat. In that moment, I regretted ever talking, I should have just shut up. When his ice blue eyes rested on my slightly shorter figure, I felt so vulnerable, so afraid. I had a quick tongue, always biting back against strangers, so why was it so different if it was my best friend? Why was I so afraid of being mean to him? At the realization that I was afraid of losing him, I shrugged slowly. This all felt stupid; did I even know what I was meaning anymore? I felt as if I was spitting gibberish. Johnnie’s face was obviously laced with some sort of confusion, and something clicked inside of me during that moment. Something bubbled, a small tinge of anger, clear frustration. I was frustrated with the fact he didn’t seem to understand what I was saying, no one did. I was suddenly glad I had brought up my issue, because now I really saw if he cared or not. It really made me question; did he not care about me anymore? What had changed?

“What do you mean ‘what’? You left me alone at the party, for 2 fucking hours. I didn’t know anyone there!”

My once small and timid voice had now raised higher than it ever had, the anger extremely prominent in my tone. I never got angry at others often, every time I was close to ruining my mood, I would attempt to reason. However, I couldn’t reason now, I wanted answers. There were so many unsaid feelings, that were starting to overload my voice box, begging for release. Though, I never wanted them shown to the world, never wanted to show them to Johnnie. I vowed to keep these feelings to myself, until the time was right, though, was there even a time anymore? Had that time happened long ago, me to oblivious and insecure to realize it? The time had passed for me, and now Johnnie was invested in finding love, him never even waiting for me.

“Whoa, y/n... look- “

“No! Do you know how embarrassed I was? Sitting alone!? I was petrified!”

Johnnie’s right hand made no attempt to silence the loud slam from the closing cupboard door, his frustration and annoyance radiating alongside my own feelings and emotions. However, I didn’t care how he felt anymore, because he didn’t care about me. My feelings weren’t relevant to him tonight. Johnnie’s large black boots made a loud thump on the cold tiles, him not hesitating to step in my direction. The contortion of his once calm face gave me a silent sign that he was trying to control the anger that was begging to be shown to the world, but that made me the slightest bit more frustrated. Why was he angry at my reaction, why was he mad? He had spent his night laughing along with one of the prettiest girls I had ever seen, he should be ecstatic about tonight, he should be happy, right? I rolled my e/c at his attitude, I wanted to drop the situation, ignore it, though I wanted answers more. I wanted to know why.

“It had always been you and I together at parties, and now you run off! What about me Johnnie!? Fucking say something!”

“I… I don’t know what you want me to say.”

An apology would be amazing, though I didn’t say that. What did happen at his response was the expected rage burning through me at his nonchalant attitude, why couldn’t he just say sorry? Before I could think, my body reacted with my hands throwing my car keys into the walls. With the sudden adrenaline, and the lack of realization to what I had just done, I ignored Johnnie’s hard flinch at my actions. I didn’t care. I was sick of being overlooked, sick of being called the ‘fat friend’, sick of being that friend that had no other emotion apart from humor and platonic love for others. Ultimately, I was sick and tired of being hurt. I had anger, and sadness, and jealousy, and I was sick of hiding it away. So, I wouldn’t be a push over anymore, and within a few silent and short moments, and little hurried words, all those emotions spilled out, along with wet, fat tears and stuttering. With a big shaky breath in, I dryly whispered to the boy.

“Do… do you know how many people pointed and laughed at me? yeah, ‘let’s laugh at the bigger girl, who looks as if she’s never been to a party before’...”

“y/n... come on, you- “

“Sam had to sit with me! Ou-out of pity too! You should’ve been there Johnnie! But you were talking... with some girl… and leaving me behind…”

My once confident voice noticeably cracked towards the end of my sentence, the pain in my tightening chest making itself obvious to Johnnie. The only thing I could think about was how embarrassing this was, being jealous over something out of my control. I wanted to run away and hide, forget this conversation ever happened, maybe even leave the country if I was lucky enough? But I couldn’t just do that, I had to face this at some point, especially since I brought up this whole situation. I would never tell Johnnie how jealous I was, how jealous I was of that unnamed girl, I wouldn’t even tell Tara, one of my closest friends, I vowed take my feelings to the grave with me. Until death. In the sudden silence, I never looked at Johnnie, afraid of what his expression was. Was he disgusted? Humiliated? I was, with myself. My left hand hastily brought itself up to caress my pudgy wet cheeks, trying to hide the mascara filled tear stains that had blossomed in the midst’s of my outburst.

“So, you’re jealous?”

Johnnie’s voice was clearly tired, however, by his groggy and annoyed voice, I simply got the overwhelming feeling of butterflies. Though the feeling of being flustered soon was overcome with anger, and sudden disbelief. Out of everything I said, he came up with the thing I already knew. My jealousy, I wouldn’t tell him that I was of course, it was only fuel for the ego that was taller than he was. The ego that I seemed to hate so much. I wanted to rip all my hair out, asking myself; why couldn’t he just understand me for once? I wanted to slap his pretty little face, I wanted to explode with anger, I wanted to tell him how I’d leave him here to rot alone, though when I opened my mouth, jaw slack, nothing seemed to come out. Nothing but silence. Nothing but heavy breaths, for a long unwanted moment. Then, once again before thinking, a small anger-filled whisper managed to roll itself off my tongue.

“I am not jealous.”

“Then why are you acting like this?!”

His voice sounded desperate for answers, answers I didn’t know if he wanted to hear. He sounded like me, so pained, and upset, but I wondered; Did he want to hear about how scared I am of his feelings, of my own feelings? Did he want to hear that I have loved him for months on end, picturing a future where we stood in front of a suburban home with two kids and a dog? Did he want to hear that I am convinced I am in love with him? Because I believed no one has been in love with him for as long as I have, I believed that my feelings weren’t just a crush. I cried most nights, wondering why I didn’t make a move when we hung out, or why he didn’t compliment me one night when I looked my best, I believed these feelings were not normal. Johnnie needed an explanation to my actions, an explanation to why I had yelled at him, why I was so suddenly aggressive. My e/c eyes cautiously rose to look at his saddened blue ones, and the silence settled once more. With another shaky breath, I explained everything to him.

“Because I’m scared Johnnie. I’m scared of you loving someone else, I’m scared of being hurt, and being forgotten.”

And for the first time that night, I finally felt heard. Johnnie sheepishly nodded at what I said, eyes down casting to the floor and sucking in his lips, deep in thought. This situation had been dragged out for months, years if you looked close enough, and it was so clearly affecting everyone around me, around us. When I told Tara my feelings, she had made a huge effort to pair the two of us together, while Jake would band along with her, contributing to her actions. Though, when Johnnie would decline any offer, I’d get disappointed, I’d be upset, and thoughts would plague my mind. My drowned moods would suffocate everyone else too, them getting a fowl taste in their mouths over the two of us, and our attitudes. Tara would express her concern, and Jake would ask to make it all better for us. And I would decline or ignore them, because it was my issue, not theirs. Now, after months, I was finally addressing it, because I was tired, so tired, tired of running a race that Johnnie never showed up for, tired of putting my all into something I wasn’t benefiting off of.

“So that’s why I’ve been acting like a ‘jealous’ and ‘lonely’ bitch.”

“What if I’m scared too?”

My stomach simply lurched at Johnnie’s hoarse voice speaking above my own. The newer question was brought to my attention. Why was he scared? He didn’t harbor such feelings for me, right? I racked my brain for reasons, reasons for why he would like me, and it slowly started to make sense, slowly started to make itself known to my consciousness. I would remember the way his hand would linger around my own, afraid of touch, or the way he would be ghastly concerned if I drank more than 3 drinks at a party or gathering. The way he would care for me. I always brushed it off as something friends did, I had seen plenty of friends upset over drinking habits, and holding hands, so was it really different for us? I wanted to cry again, cry at the intruding thoughts, though I felt numb now, like I had drained every feeling I once had before. How did I ignore all of this, and was it too late? Too late to apologize and erase all this from my mind? I covered my reddening face with my hands, too embarrassed to face my simple realization, and all the tiredness I was unaware of crashing into my mind like a wild tsunami wave.

“What if I’m scared of dating again? What if I’m scared, I’m going to hurt you?”

Hurt me? Didn’t he already do that enough by making a stupid effort to avoid me? Leaving me confused for the whole night? I didn’t know how to respond to his words, his question, everything I thought of, came off as stand-offish and rude, so all I could do was shake my head bitterly. Obviously, it was fair enough, he could be scared of this, so was I, but by the way he had avoided me tonight, during one of the times I needed him the most, I knew it wasn’t a responsible way to act, it never was. He had hurt me, and gravely, making me rethink everything leading up to this moment. I painfully looked down to the fallen silver car keys, them resting silently on the white floor tiles. While I still tried to cascade my brain and mind for how I could respond to him, in the nicest way possible. Though, the only feeling I could succumb to and notice, was the suffocating feeling of anxiety, and giddiness.

“What if we aren’t meant to be with one another, y/n…?”

“How would you know we aren’t meant to be together, if we haven’t even dated before? There’s only one way to know for sure.”

I muttered out, pinching the bridge of my nose with my pointer and thumb. It didn’t shock me how tired and weak my voice sounded, as yelling and sobs ripped my throat raw, it was very expected. However, due to my attention being diverted on my sore and sickened throat, I didn’t notice Johnnie making his way over to me. I didn’t notice him, until he was standing right in front of me, hands balled at his sides, messy hair, and blue eyes wide with an unrecognizable expression. With a surge of confidence, his right hand softly rested on my shoulder, it wrapping around to the back of my neck and resting there. His fingers gently dug into my skin, strands of h/c hair wrapping around them subconsciously. My eyes instantly flashed up at his touch, anxiety rushing throughout my body. It was so obvious that he was nervous as well, with the sight of his hands shaking, and the adrenaline seemingly pumping through him.

That was when I realized that this was my moment, my moment to show his how much he meant to me. An action, that I would shamefully perform, one kiss. one kiss couldn’t ruin a friendship, right? If it did ruin this, then so be it, because if Johnnie and I were meant to happen, then we would. We would find a way back to one another. So, without a second thought, I took that chance, I took that moment. My hands instantly latched onto his thin tattooed neck, gently forcing his head down and giving him all my emotion through the touching of lips. I had never kissed someone like I did Johnnie that night, I had never kissed someone with so much passion, so much want. I didn’t take the time to hyper-fixate on his body language, barely noticing his shock. I just desperately tried focusing on the continuous buzzing that radiated in my head. What I did notice was how Johnnie reciprocated the kiss, his hand moving from the back of my neck to the side of my face, his fingers so soft. He held me so delicately, as if a porcelain doll, skin so fragile and brittle, and for the first time in a long while, I felt like an art piece, I felt like I was finally someone's muse.

“Woah.”

I didn’t quite know when the pair of us became a trio, or rather a group, though when the familiar and feminine voice of the Tara Tompson filtered into the enclosed area, I had never been so quick to push Johnnie away from myself. Regret settled in my veins, should I had let him go like that, so soon? I could have held him just a little longer, I swore I could, though I didn’t. Behind the short girl, barely shorter than myself, was the tall and stumbling figure of a clearly intoxicated, Jake Webber. His thick scent was laced with weed, cigarette stench, and hard alcohol, giving me the sense that he had only gotten worse due to Johnnie and I’s departure. Though his attention wasn’t focused on me, he was far more interested in Johnnie, with a big, wide, slurred smile, and a lot of emotion in his body language and features. While Tara’s dark gaze was placed on me, and my stiff and uncomfortable posture. Bewilderment. That’s the word I’d use to describe her face, her expression. Was my surge of commitment and bravery really so shocking? I guess I wasn’t exactly outgoing, but I wasn’t that introverted either, I was a loud person, I challenged those who did wrong, so why was this different too?

“See... d-dude! I told you to ju-... ugh- just kiss her!”

Tara hissed frustratedly at Jake’s hiccups, muttering something inaudible from my stance. Though I didn’t care for the words that spilled from her maw, I was to interested in what Jake had said just moments before. ‘I told you,’ So Johnnie had been thinking about this moment, thinking about kissing me before? The knowledge of this had my stomach and chest twisting and fluttering, an uncomfortable, yet giddy, feeling arising more and more within a few short moments. Tara then grumbled at Jake, a loud and aggravated groan leaving her throat when he didn’t seem to be cooperating. After a few sharp whispers, Tara simply apologized to Johnnie and I, and they hastily stumbled away from the two of us, likely to Jake’s room so he could sober up and sleep. The interaction left Johnnie and I standing there alone and slightly stunned, the awkward aroma filling the air. My eyes drifted away from the doorframe to look at Johnnie, but he had beaten me to gaining to others attention. His eyes were already placed on my own, breath heavy and eyes clouded with the little alcohol he had drunk prior. I didn’t know what to say to him, so I whispered an apology.

“’M sorry…”

“I didn’t like her.”

I nodded subconsciously and silently, Johnnie’s strained and quiet words giving me knowledge that he was aware of the other two in the home. Though I didn’t bother acknowledging them, I was far too focused on how horse and rough his voice was, and shamelessly it had complimented his messy and unkept appearance well, or well enough to make my knees weak. His messy dark hair, jarred out wildly, while skimpy blonde roots carefully crept up the strands, barely noticeable. His dark blue make up had been smeared across his face, etched around his bright blue eyes, making them more noticeable than ever. Dark Tattoos writhing their way around his neck, the large black spider mark settling on his throat as if it was a mark since his birth, built to be there. I was staring at him for too long, too quietly. Once I had taken the effort to draw my attention from Johnnie’s attractive personality and expression, I looked down to the cleansed tiled floor. Was that it? After this would we go to bed and forget everything? Did I even want that?

“I like you. Your humor, your appearance, your kindness. I like you… more than a friend.”

“Then quit treating me like I’m less of one.”

Every single word, every single syllable that seeped from his mouth, set off a tiny firework inside of me. Fireworks in my chest, my feelings were the embodiment of the fourth of July. I had never felt so seen as a person, so honored for how I felt, and looked, and only moments prior, I felt invisible to the world. I was so vulnerable, my feelings were overlooked, ignored, and now they were noticed and appreciated more than ever. Overwhelmed, that’s what I was during that moment. Overwhelmed with my own feelings, and Johnnie’s pure ones. How was I to react now? Did I go to bed, or make the effort to hug or kiss him? Before I could make the decision in what I was to do, Johnnie had started to shake his head. His eyes moved away from my own, to the items on the kitchen countertop, him deep in thought and consideration. He opened his jaw to speak again, hand gripping tightly on his skinny jeans as he spoke confidently.

“I’m sorry y/n/n.” I love you.

“I know. I love you too.”

And for the first time in my life, I hadn’t felt like the ‘fat girl’, I felt noticed for more then my humor and weight. Johnnie made me feel wanted and seen. Since that moment, I had taken everything seriously. I took my problems, my life, my achievements, seriously. They all suddenly had purpose to me. I had commitments now, a commitment to Johnnie, a commitment to a lifelong promise that I vowed to never break. Johnnie made promises of his own, promises to never ignore my struggles, to hold me when needed, and the promise that I would always be his. From now until death do us part; And I wouldn't have it any other way.

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turnupbrock · 4 years

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Following//Colby Brock x Reader

This is a looong one. But I really likee it.

One thing that Colby hasn't told anyone besides Sam is that, he was in love with another Youtuber. But he has never met said Youtuber. It might strike you as weird because 'you can't be in love with someone you've never met.' Right? That saying to Colby was bullshit, but only because he's certain that he fell in love with you. He fell in love with your personality and who you were online, the only downside to his online lust was that he never met you in real life. Which means he doesn't know if you were the same person in the videos. What he didn't know was that you were the same in person as your online persona. You also had a crush on Colby. You started watching him two years ago. Colby watched and followed you for three years. For awhile, you two have been crushing on each other but never messaged each other or any of that. Afraid of rejection, maybe. But mainly because you both were so busy with your careers. But then Vidcon rolled around. A time where you get to meet all of your fans and Colby gets to meet his. A chaos filled weekend that always ended in creator parties that got a little too wild at times. But the best thing about creator parties is that no fans are allowed, actually the majority of fans didn't even know about these. Now, nothing against your fans and supporters, it's just that it's nice to have a night or nights when you aren't being bombarded with supporters and crowds of people. The only people allowed there are staff and of course...the creators.

The weekend of Vidcon came faster than Colby thought. As he rushed to get his bags ready to leave, Sam and all his other friends were already in the parking garage waiting for the late boy. You were already at the hotel, unpacking with some of your social media friends. "Guys, shut the fuck up," you laughed out when they continued to tease you about meeting Colby. Lizzie and Olivia both stopped teasing you and went back to unpacking their own luggage while music played in the background. Colby on the other hand raced down the halls of his apartment building, all the way to the parking garage where all his friends were already in their cars, ready to leave. "Sorry brother. Didn't realize how late it was," Colby spoke to Sam as he slid into the drivers seat and started to the hotel address. Sam shook his head and glanced back at Katrina, who was in the backseat before replying to his best friend, "It's all good, let's just get there and we'll be fine." Colby nodded and let out a deep breath. Arriving to the hotel, they all checked in and got settled in their rooms. The group split up into smaller ones, breaking off to their rooms. Colby and Corey walked into the door of their room, laughing and joking around with each other as they also started to unpack. "Is there one person that you are wanting to see here?" Corey asked laying down on his bed after placing his suitcase in the closet. Colby fell quiet for a second, debating whether or not to tell one of his best friends about his online crush. "uh- yeah. I really want to meet this one girl. Been watching her for awhile and I like her." Colby finally replied back to Corey. To Colby's surprise, Corey didn't make fun of him. Instead Corey just nodded his head and said, "That's cool dude, I hope you meet her." Colby was taken aback but smiled gratefully at his friend, "Me too."

The first day of Vidcon went by smoothly. You and your friends had your first meet and greet. You met a ton of your supporters, which made you incredibly happy. Without them, you would still be in y/h/t. Everything that you have accomplished was because of your fans so it made every second of meeting them worth it. Sam and Colby had their meet and greet today as well. Except it was an hour after yours, and in the exact same spot that yours was held. Coincidence? Maybe. But you didn't know about this meet and greet, seems as it was fate. But fate didn't make sense, since it was Vidcon and they were running out of space for the meet and greets. You, Olivia, and Lizzie were walking in the back area, the section only meant for creators, security, and staff. You felt around for your phone, "Guys, does one of you have my phone?" you asked when you didn't feel it in your back pocket. Olivia stopped and dug through her purse, but it was no luck, "I don't." Lizzie wasn't carrying a bag, so she only had her phone in her back pocket as well. You swore under your breath, "I think I left it back at the meet and greet corner. You all sighed before bee-lining it back to the very corner you had held your panel. Breathing harshly, you made it before the next creators' meet and greet started. You spread out looking top to bottom, under neath the tables and water bottles. You were on your hands and knees, searching underneath one of the tables when someone spoke to you. "Umm, are you okay?" You swore you heard that voice before. It was familiar, but you couldn't quite put your finger on it. Jumping up from your place on the floor, you were met with blonde hair and blue eyes. Your mouth fell agape as you looked at Sam Golbach. One half of Sam and Colby. Your heart was racing and your mouth was dry, thinking that if Sam was here, Colby had to be there as well. But it wasn't only you that recognized the other. As Sam's jaw dropped, his blue eyes wide, searching your face like he couldn't believe that it was you. You cleared your throat awkwardly then reached down to dust off the knees of your jeans, "Uh, I'm sorry. I just had my meet and greet here and I think I left my phone somewhere around here." You said still dusting off the gray smudges from the black fabric of the jeans that covered your legs. Once you stood up straight, you held your hand out to the blonde that you knew from YouTube, "I'm Y/n," Sam shook his head, a shy smile crossing his face as he grasped your hand, "Sam." he replied. You smiled at him a little embarrassed, "Sorry that met me while I was on my knees," Your eyes went wide at the same time as Sam's, "Not no- not like that, oh dear god," you quickly scrambled to fix your statement, your cheeks burning a bright ruby.

Sam shook his head again, laughter pouring out of his mouth. "Dude, I'm sorry, but that was funny as fuck," he gasped out. Your own laughter loud and gasping as you face palmed. "Uh, what's so funny over here?" Another deep voice asked. Your heart stopped beating and the laughter caught in your throat. Your head snapped up and saw Colby. His red/pink hair looked vibrant against the harsh lights in the venue. His face mirrored how you looked, mouth dropped open, eyes wide and unbelieving. You knew that he had to be close since you just met Sam but it still shocked you that the man you had been crushing on for damn near three years stood in front of you. Colby's heart was beating out of his chest when your eyes met his. His breath hitched, jaw falling open, and cheeks reddening. His voice seemed impossible to find when he tried to speak. Colby's eyes trailed over your body, taking in the red tube top you were wearing, black ripped jeans, and white air force ones. He swore that he began to drool just from looking at you. "Y/n! We found it!" Olivia called out to you, making your eyes snap to them and away from Colby's face. Your eyes met Lizzie's and Olivia's, and sure enough, there they were holding your phone. "Alright, be right there!" You yelled back. They nodded and made their way to the back area again. You turned back to Sam and Colby and gave Colby a shy smile, sticking out your hand. "Hi, I'm Y/n. You're Colby right?" He smiled shyly as well, his cheeks almost as red as your own. Colby reached out, connecting your hand, "Hey, yeah uh I'm Colby." You opened your mouth to say something but a girl's head popped out behind the guarder and looked at Sam and Colby, "Guys, come one. It's about to start." The girl's eyes lingered on Colby for second before returning back to the other side. "Go, good luck." You said smiling at the two. Colby looked at you, obviously not wanting to leave. Scared he wouldn't run into you again. Reluctantly, he smiled again and said his good bye before walking back. But before you could leave, Sam grabbed your hand pulling you back to him. "Here, put your number in and we can hang out sometime this weekend." Sam said while handing you his phone. You agreed and put your number into it, "I'll text you after the meet and greet." Sam promised before disappearing to the front of the guarder again.

"I can not fucking believe that you actually met them!" Olivia yelled from the bathroom where she was curling her hair. You shook your head to yourself. Honestly you couldn't believe it either. "Me neither Liv," You called back. "Can you guys shut the fuck up," Lizzie groaned from under the mountain of blankets on the bed. You chuckled and shook your head once again. You stood up and walked over to the mound, gripping the white comforter you swung it off her body. "Get the fuck up sunshine," you said in an over exaggerated chipper voice. You were met with yet another groan from the pink haired girl. "I hate you," Lizzie said finally rolling off the bed and landing with a thump. You rolled your eyes and sat back down to finish up your makeup, "Yeah. Sure. You love me bitchass," You said. Lizzie scoffed and rolled her eyes, "You wish bitch," You giggled at that and continued to finish up the application of your mascara. "So what? Yesterday, you met Sam and Colby and today you're going to meet up with Sam because he wants to talk to you?" Olivia asked walking out of the bathroom. You nodded and stood up to look over your outfit again. "Yeah, he said that he wants to talk before I go up for my panel." You explained to Olivia while looking in the mirror at your red and black plaid pants, the few chains you had hanging from the belt loops, cropped black shirt that showed some of your stomach, y/h/c pulled up into half up, half down hairstyle, and the silver hoops that hung from your ears. You, Lizzie, and Olivia all talked for a little while before a knock on your door brought you out of the conversation you were having. "That's Sam," You said standing up from your bed and making your way over to the door. The door flung open and you met face to face again with Sam, who had on a big smile. You returned the smile, "You ready?" he asked, earning a nod from you. "I'll text you guys," You called behind you before shutting your hotel door. You made your way down the hallway with Sam by your side, talking about how your guys meet and greet went. But by the time you reached the stairs, "So, for what I wanted to talk to you about..." Sam trailed off sounding hesitant and nervous. Your brows furrowed and turned around the look at Sam, "Yeahh, you didn't really tell me anything over the phone," I said shifting my weight to my other foot. He cleared his throat and continued, "So, um, Colby has like the biggest crush on you." Sam said bluntly. You were taken aback, stunned that the man you were crushing on, was also crushing on you.

"Uh, Y/n? You okay?" Sam asked his brows furrowed in concern. He waved his hand in front of your face, you snapped of your thoughts and looked back at Sam. Your cheeks heated up, "Deadass?" you asked. Sam snickered and nodded, "Deadass. He has liked you for awhile now. I checked last night, after I met you, I checked if he followed you. Once I saw that he did, I also saw that you followed him as well," Sam explained as you two resumed your walk down the stairs. "Huh. That's so weird." I thought out loud. "What's weird?" Sam asked, pushing the door open for you. You thanked him before replying to his question, "Just never thought that this how I tell Colby that I like him," you said giggling. Sam chuckled and shook his head, "Yeah, well now or never," he winked and smirked after using Colby's slogan making you laugh while walking to the private room that Sam, Colby, and all his friends were in. You stopped in front of the door, your hands now shaking, "Now I'm nervous," you said forcing a giggle from your shaky throat. Sam smiled, "Don't be. Everyone in here knows you from online and they all love you." He reassured you, placing a warm hand to your shoulder. You took a deep breath and nodded, "Okay, alright, I'm good." I said shaking out my hands and reaching for the door knob. Sam laughed at your dramatics and pushed the door open for you again, making you giggle. You and Sam walked into the door laughing, making Colby and some of his friends look up from their conversations or phones. Colby's yes went wide and his throat went dry from seeing you walk into the room. His eyes met Sams, but Sam just grinned and winked at Colby. His heart started racing when your eyes scanned the room nervously, then fell on him. Your lips tugged into a shy smile and a beautiful shade of pink rose to your cheeks. Colby watched as you looked away from him and back to Sam, whispering about something. He didn't like the sneaky looks that Katrina was giving him. Of course Kat knew what was going on, Sam had told her about Colby's crush and that they had met you yesterday. Katrina knew what Sam was doing and she wanted to see how this would play out. Finally you and Sam stopped whispering, your eyes were wide and nervous. Anyone who looked at you could see that. "You won't," Sam made a teasing remark to you, making you stiffen and raise an eyebrow at him, "Wanna make a bet, blondie?" You asked smartly. Sam's eyes and smile widened, "You really are the same person off camera," he said fondly. You blushed and cut your eyes to the ground, "Shut up Sam." You said making Sam chuckle. "Are you going to do it?" You nodded and looked over at Colby to see that he was on his phone and trying to take a glance at you but once he saw that you were already looking at him, he blushed and smiled.

Colby's heart was basically pounding out of his chest when he saw you walking over to where he was sitting. "This seat taken?" your soft voice asked. Colby shook his head and motioned for you to sit down. You sat down across from him, propping you elbows up on the table, your let your hands hold your face as you looked at Colby. You smiled wide then giggled, Colby swore that his heart melted right then from how cute and innocent you looked. "Hi," you said still smiling at Colby. He smiled back, "Hey," he said quietly. Neither of you noticed that all his friends were listening to them talk. "So, I heard something about you.." you said, your voice soft and nervous. Colby's eyes widened and he leaned forwards, "Yeah? What'd you hear?" He asked you. You smiled again, your eyes crinkling at the sides. "I heard that you have a crush," you stopped and leaned more on the table, "on me." you whispered. You watched as Colby's cheeks flushed and he started to fiddle with the rings on his hands, "I- uh, who? Sam?" He asked, turning his head to glare at his best friend, who just shot him a smile and a wink. You dropped your hands and pulled them into your lap, "Yeah, Sam told me. But what I wanted to tell you was that I like you.." you said softly, staring at Colby intently to see how he would react. Colby's face split into a giant smile, "Really?" he asked, his voice eager. You nodded your head, smiling shyly at the amazing man in front of you. His smile widened impossibly further, you were afraid his face would split right in half. You took you phone out and texted the number that Sam gave to you last night. Colby's phone dinged and smiled once he saw, 'I really do." Just then your phone dinged with a text from Lizzie, 'girl you better hurry, you're on soon.' You swore under your breath, "Shit, I'm sorry, I have to go." I said standing up from the chair. Colby's brow furrowed as he stood up with me, "Oh okay, I'll uh see you soon?" He asked, reaching up to scratch the back of his neck. You smiled and nodded, "Yea, just text me, you have my number." You stepped towards him and held out your arms, silently asking for a hug. Colby took the hint and smiled at you while wrapping his arms around your neck, your encircling his waist. You were content, it felt like you were supposed to be there. You took a deep breath, his cologne engulfing you. After a moment, you pulled away and leaned up on your toes, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek. Colby's face heated up and he smiled, while watching you walk to the door. Once you reached the door you turned around and waved at Colby and the group of friends, then you walked out. Colby turned around to face his friends, "I'm so glad we came to Vidcon."

God damn this was long! I actually really like this one. Let me know what you think, I really want to know!🖤🖤

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